every day is a new adventure with you,
voicing our thoughts
as the weight of the world closes in.

midnight talks and kitchen dance battles,
a hopeless type of gal,
red roses,
i loved you
and you’ll never know how much

the days seem colder without you,
i guess you’re a memory
that will never fade,
your touch hollows me out
and leaves me cold and sore

love is, perhaps, the cruelest mistress.

you burned like a star
they whispered,
terror and awe laced in their words

you burned so suddenly, so bright
everyone but the sun had to look away
the sun stared down as
the burning boy fell underneath the water-
blue hands reaching up to catch him.

stars burn out too fast
they speak,
indifference and pity colour their words.

if i disappeared
would i become like echo?
the words on my tongue
fading into the wind,
my spoken words echoing around me
as i’m hallowed out by the silence.

if i disappeared
would i become like eurydice?
my ghost lingering behind my husband
who reaches the light with me not far behind;
only to turn and **** me.

if i disappeared
would i be come like icarus?
too stubborn and
in love with the sun-  
only to meet my fate into a watery grave.

—— if i disappeared would i too become a story? // a.

with a heavy heart the sun watches the boy with broken wings fall further away from him.
“i loved him,” the sun says watching him fade underneath the waves.
“i loved him first” the sea answer back

where were your gods when rome was set aflame?

—— no one heard your cries // a

whisper sweet nothings in the dark
with your hand
wrapped delicately around my throat

your shadow, i found,
was still clearer then your face.

we live as star-crossed lovers do,
patiently, seething, waiting,
wondering if we’re a tragedy
like boys to suns or
gods to mortals,
doomed to part only to die second
or worse, we live in the end.

i’ve stopped trying to
make my pain sweet,
just to please you.

“i love your neck,” he whispers as his hand curls around the pale flesh delicately. careful not to bruise in places easily seen.
      “i love your neck,” he whispers kissing the bruises he left behind. red, purple, yellow decorating it like a necklace.
      “i love your neck,” he says gripping it tightly as he thrusts deeper in your body. your breath is caught in your throat, you struggle to breathe.
      “i love your neck,” he says pushing you against the wall- bruises are a normal sight, it doesn’t scare you anymore, not to breathe.
     “i love your neck” he says as he leads you to the scaffold. you think of the blade at your neck and wonder if it loves yours too.

“i will make you immortal,“ he says as his lips touch your skin, leaving trails of ash behind. you do not think of his words.

"i will make you immortal” he coaxes into your ear as he beckons you closer, the wax dripping from your wings and burn your skin as he reaches out to kiss you. it’s not enough.

"i will make you immortal” he whispers as he watches you fall, feathers fluttering around you, looking too divine in the midst of your fall. he couldn’t look away.

"i will make you immortal” he cried out as he watches the saltwater sea swallow up your golden touched, sunburnt body.  

“i will make you immortal” he vows as you fade into a story about boys who fall in love with suns meant for the sea.

i sometimes imagine
boys with sunburnt skin falling
into saltwater seas
with laughter on their lips

i. as i lay out on the concrete street i wonder if the bright lights and loud honking will drown out my thoughts; if this is how it ends.

ii. rolling to my side i feel the soft sheets of my bed- pills in hand as i ponder taking one too many, the phone’s nearby anyway.

iii. moving my head off the edge i imagined the never ending sky- pitch black and coated with dancing stars; standing on the edge i’ve never felt so light before.

iv. as i lay with my arms resting on my chest i think of my coffin; wrapped in an itchy dress and skin littered with scars they couldn’t cover.

v. i wake up on the floor, sheets askew and a ringing in my ears as i take in a breath, the day anew.

Dear titanic, tell me of how you survived your last hurrah- tell me of how you didn’t see the iceberg, tell me of how it felt to lay down on the ocean floor, tell me of how empty you are, the skeletons of your passengers are all but hollow husks- skeletons from a time that is now gone.
“I am not empty,” the titanic says back to me, her voice muffled by bubbles and groans from rust coated pipes.
“But you are, I say. “You are empty but filled with ghosts- yours, the oceans, theirs. They party and laugh and drink and dance and run in your rooms, your hallways that go on forever.”
“You are the empty one,” titanic whispers, rusty railings creaking.
Dear titanic, how did you feel, sinking, ripping in two- unable to be put together again, how did it feel becoming a broken heart? Did you bleed? Did you do it to yourself?
“Was your sink an accident?”
“What do you think?” She growls- groans and moans echo all around.
“How did the music players continue on as you sank- their instruments and lungs filling up with seawater as their somber music filled the ears of your passengers?”
“They just played on, soothing my pain,” came the reply.
“Dear titanic-” I started.
“Let me ask you- why have you come?” She demands.
“To learn your secrets of course.”
“That’s not why.”
“Who hurt you for you to seek me out? Why have you come?”
“I've come to find out what you did to survive.” I reply.
“Then you know now” She whispers, pipes groaning as she shook with mirthless laughter
“Do I?” I questioned.
“Yes.” I imagined her smiling at me- broken glass as teeth and sharp lines for lips.
“How did you survive?” I whispered, my heartbeat echoing in the stillness- needing to hear the words I hoped she wouldn't say.
“I didn’t.”


— dear titanic, tell me of how you survived your sinking // a.

"come back” i whisper.
"come back” i say.
"come back” you hear.
"come back” i plead.
"please, come back”

i had so much to
say to you,
but the words die
on my lips.

i had so much to
give to you,
but there’s no more to
give away.

i had so much to
look forward with you,
but there’s only regrets
in my heart.

sometimes i'm like the night,
mysterious, dark, never-ending.
sometimes you're like the stars,
illuminating, bright, ever-lasting.
and sometimes we made and meet
and kiss and dance and die
and sometimes i never see you and you see me
and sometimes we disappear from each other
and sometimes i drown myself in your light
and, and, sometimes i miss you too.

— let us bask in our nighttime adventures // a.

1.) Stuff the words on the tip of your tongue back into your mouth and face forward. If you shout from your seat in your truck to a pretty girl, remember: she’s not a dog. But, you of course may forget that.
2.) If you see a girl walk faster than before don’t take that as a sign to continue shouting until she stops and turns to the sound of the words that she hears more than genuine compliments.
3.) If you see a girl walking by herself walk and do not stop to talk to her or follow her
4.) do not sharpen your knives and sweet words or else she'll use them against you

— it only takes one more muscle to bite you and smile red // a.

go away,
sleep just take me
well gosh dang it
i’m done,
gone,
****,
disappearing,
vanished,
out of here.
                  ( ***** you brain)
— sleep calls with overactive brains // a.

Your scent lingers on your shirts
and your words still taint my skin
your memory still eats away at me,
slowly but surely
i get rid of you
you become a ghost
i let you fade
until you’re nothing.  
                       ( just like you told me. )

— karma’s a ***** has so am i // a.

you almost make me
hate you more
than I hate myself.

— how you push my buttons // a.

1.) you are loved
2.) i’m sorry
3.) goodnight
4.) please don’t hate me
5.) i missed you today
6.) i’ll see you tomorrow
7.) i wish i could’ve learned to love you
8.) do you hate me?
9.) how can i fix this?
10.) we’re definitely going to see that
11.) do you miss me?
12.) go away
13.) i love you...(not sent)
14.) you don’t.
15.) how can you say that?
16.) it’s all in your head
17.) i swear i’ll do it
18.) i wish we could go back to the beginning
19.) how young we were then
20.) please come back

— take a picture, it’ll last longer (you didn’t) // a.

i am not a poet for you,
for the words i write come from
the deepest parts of me
spilling out like a river,
a never ending stream of
words falling grasping and drowning
i am not a poet for you,
these words do not sing for you,
you do not get to hold and touch
and squish and shape them to your desires
i am not a poet for you,
my words and pain belong to me, they are mine

— i am not a poet for anyone but myself // a.

if time could stand still,
the rain would feel cool upon my skin,
the weight of the pain would lessen,
and my breath would no longer hurt

if time could stand still
my would be adventures would start
with nothing holding me back
and the risks I shielded away would set me free


if time could stand still,
I would live with my mistakes,
my past would not define me
and the pain could lessen

— if time could stand still I’d let my grief consume me whole // a.

You are touch starved
hunger pained,
steel-toed mess
of sun kissed hair and
poison kissed lips
you are my everything and
nothing


— for I love all these parts of you that others do not see // a.

I guess you thought we were forever,
but you were temporary
sorry I’m a *****.


— I’ll say sorry forever but I won’t mean it, unlike you // a.

I used to sit around and wonder:
where did I lose myself?
where did I go?  


Now I look in the
mirror and realize,
I was never really there in the first place.

— the mirror keeps staring back at me // a.

I lay in bed thinking of thoughts as the waves crash upon sand- seashells of thoughts scattered and are taken back their owner as I cannot grab them fast enough


I’m falling into the abyss— cold and unforgiving as the

i love you- i don't

nightmares scare me but not as much as you

— fragments of ideas spun in the ground // a.

You started like spring-
loving and warm, you kissed me in the dark.
You then became summer,
constant and angry, you lit up fireworks in the night.
You then like autumn-
distracted and colder, you made leaves fall.
You then left in winter-
and left me cold and sore in your wake.

You're the light to my darkness,
I'm the darkness to your light,
A never-ending battle,
Our game of cat and mouse.

they once called you beautiful,
with fire for hair,
a dangerous beauty
they called you
as you set the world ablaze
leaving ash in your wake.

— becomes a wildfire in the night // a.

light touches, soft whispers,
smiles that only appear for you,
laughter, giggles,
afterglow of blissful nights,
basking in your warmth,
that is bliss.

You’re like Aphrodite girl,
Untamed like the seas she rose out of
Falling in and out of love,
Wearing your heart on your sleeve,
They only see your beauty.
They forget that love is dangerous,
It blinds,  
Makes men go mad,
Creates wars.
Let them think you’re weak,
Then show them how love
Is the deadliest weapon of all,
And that you wield it.

i.
The little things I remembered about us was the texts of adventures and dancing under moonlight and midnight picnics and chasing around an empty park and singing the words to songs we’ve forgotten making up the words as we go; the conversations of questions like what’s your favorite color or what does your tattoo mean or is this okay or can I kisss you and cautionary touches on my part. Me feeling your heartbeat and the warmth of your skin under my fingers, as your lips meet mine and we whispered words of something akin to love and stolen kisses on rumpled sheets as we lay together in bliss, our bodies tangled like string as we touched and explored and came undone.   We held hands in public and we didn’t care. We would drift off to sleep or at least pretended to so I wouldn’t have to leave, I remembered how you had a cute voice and you were like sunshine, always happy and smiling and warm even though you wore no jacket even in the rain, dressed in one of your flannels.

ii.
I remembered how you stared at me and I stared back. The conversation was awkward on my part as you found a way to get it moving along throughout the night. We sat on a couch in a church which I still find funny that a bunch of openly queer teens were partying in a church, while we sat in the darkness of the corner. I remember how the night ended and we played in the playground in the night as we filled the void with laughs and inappropriate jokes as we all shouted and screamed into the night without a single care or worry. I remember how your face lit up and you smiled and we both seemed tipsy off of how happy we were.

iii.
I remembered the late night phone calls and the late night texts and the soft kisses and the light touches. The softness of love or something akin to it, as we talked about everything and nothing at the same time. The soft giggles and the cuddles as we sat together while the movie you never saw but wanted to play it anyway played in the background.

iv.
I remember the sunshine and the heat of the summer. I remember the sound of tears from your end. I remembered how I called you and how I listened to you cry as I felt nothing but hurt for you, not me. Which I still feel bad for breaking your heart. I remember how we might’ve had something akin to love, you were my first in many ways but I was simply another girl in your ledger who broke you and left you to pick yourself up again.

v.
I’m sorry that I left things the way they were and I’m sorry you’ll never see this because I’ll never send this to you. I’m sorry that I loved you, or at least something akin to love, which if it was I guess you loved me too. I’m sorry.

vi. It’s been three months and you’ve moved on, got a new girl among other things. You’ve changed your hair and you don’t wear flannel as much, but I see that you’ve been doing better. We talk, it’s not the same as before, but we’re moving. Maybe we go back to being strangers, after all, we don’t know each other anymore. Maybe all we had was something akin to love.

The sun
gold and radiant,
                                                The boy
                                shy and ambitious,

the warmth
that shone brightly,
grew weary as man took flight  


                                            the tower,
                             an illusioned prison,
    held onto the yearning soul tightly

the god
that loved mighty,
the echoing of the lover silenced

                                                  the lover
                                  a tragedy himself,
                calling out to the gold fiend,

the fiend
that mourned nightly,
the golden star shined not bright

                                              the tragedy
                                   lost beneath blue,
         mourning the fiend and himself