I hate that
Every conversation
With you
Is just
A conversation
With myself

K
Yea
Lol
***
Look
Wow
Oof

We probably shouldn't talk. I can say all that to myself. I don't need you to do it for me.

There's much about you
I adore
Your face
The way you smile
When I step
Into a room
Your buoyant laugh
That raises me
The wrinkles
At the corners of your eyes
Life is hard
But it's good sometimes
Most of all
I like about you
Is how when everything
Is falling apart
You pull us back
Together
Just enough
To keep me
Wanting you

One of these days
I'll fall in love for sure
All these cinematic
Shots of me sitting alone
Looking depressed
With a cat on my lap
Will have something
To culminate to
I'll be the star
Of a lesbian romance
That will wow the crowds
Shock gays through the ages
And land me where
I truly belong

What does it mean
To still be here, living with trees
Tapping at the windows
It's almost like they're asking
What we think we're doing

Waking up on air mattresses
Drinking instant coffee while
Outside, birds will fall
In this twisted dream
A toxic slew of memories

Remember the back of the class
Listening to seventeen covers
Of "Kissing in Cars" and
Going through every last
Tear stained inch of you

Remember the grass beneath my feet
Before you ever knew about me
The school shootings, the rain
Kids crying in the parking lot
Phoning parents, trying not to be afraid

You're the only person I've ever seen
At midnight in an overcrowded kitchen
Leaned against a counter
Like you know where you belong
That night, I saw stars behind your eyes
I don't want to grow up anymore

Words don't explain
How ******* sad I am right now

You are everything I've ever wanted
You make me so numb
I should just let things die out
It'd be the happiest ending for us.

Lately
I've been detached
Anxious but so
Unaffected
By everything around

And strangely
I'm not emotional
Numb and sometimes
So content
Just drifting in the wind

So plainly
I'm not quite depressed
Just obsessed with
The apathy
That's draining me

Lately
I've been on my own
Ending up alone in
Cemeteries
Looking for my name

In another world, I picked up.
In another world, I still feel you all around me.
And when we look at the moon, we are side by side, laying in a bed, somehow, somewhere.
In another world, I’ve felt your breath on my neck. I know what it’s like when you touch me. I probably memorized the trails that your fingertips trace.
In another world, I know your kiss. We stretched out and intertwined our fingers, held hands instead of holding back. We knew each other.
In another world, we were more than passing glances. We were fireworks, tangled in the sheets, my hand wrapped around your length, your fingers tumbling over me. We were sunlit, in the grass, with your dog licking our faces and the places that our bodies met. We were so much more.
In another world, I got to hear your breathing, not muffled by a wall. Harsh breaths, before your ******, and softer, longer breaths after you came, levelling out into a smooth rhythm that I feel under the head that I laid on your chest. The breath of your laughter, choking and unbound, no longer limited to the small smile that you used to save only for me. Maybe that’s all I’ll ever get to see in this life, but somewhere else… I see more.
We were comfortable in a way that I never knew. In another world, we’re still comfortable, safe in each other’s arms, soothed by the words we exchange through the phone.
In another world, maybe we got married.
I feel it, the choking in my chest. It’s the feeling of constriction that comes when you meet the one that could’ve been your soulmate. And you are my soulmate, in another world.
I wish I was her. I wish I was in another world. I want your touch, your kiss, the feeling of your heartbeat fluttering under my lips. I want you. Almost.
Goodbye.

Will you fall in love
With the contents
Of my pages

Music is a river
That won't stop flowing
Bear me up
On cascading waves
Rippling notes
Of love and loss
Drown me
In the melancholy
Of a thousand voices
Wash me up
On foreign shores
Make me lighter

That's what I see
When I see you
Us up on a hill
Touching the moon

That's what I see
When I look at the sky
A fiery light that I'll
Find in your eyes

Mind's a whirlwind
Of needles and pins
Scrapped up
From the crafting station
Down in the basement
A homely mix
Of cotton fabrics
Flowing in the wind
Of imagination

You're so broken eyed
Since I left your discord server
Puppy dog in a playpen
And a bonfire promise
Maybe I still care about you
More than I want to admit
I'll be there in your backyard
Taking in the sky
And soaking up the smoke

Softly set
Like the summer sun
Blinded
By your lights
That you're
Shining on me
So crush me
Under your tongue
Drink me down
The taste of summer
Berries

I'm lukewarm and lost
Peacefully floating
Tethered only
To the rhythmic swaying of my legs
Propped up on top of each other
Staring at the white walls
But too far away to really register
The spinning of the clock hands
The passing of all my time

It didn't snow this year
I'm not sad
Just a little numb
And a trifle stunned
The hours pass too swiftly
Pounding past me
On elephant's feet
And it's a shame
That he's spending this evening alone
It's a shame that she
Still thinks we're in love
It's a shame that they
Are drinking with friends
Instead of going to bed
Like they should be

You're tired love
My squire love
In dire need of water, love
Pour into you all of my love
Just to see your fire, love
These walls won't grow around you, love
A job won't find itself, my love
Sit upon the sill, my love
Leave the games for later love
Look out at all the people, love
They are finding their own love
Building, breaking, shaping love
Faking 'til they make it, love
Out there is something great, my love
Greater than just our small love
A risk I'll have to take, my love
If you don't follow, you will break my love
I'll leave you to the wolves, my love
For one chance to escape this love

I miss the thought
Of having someone by my side
At least with him
I could hold a fantasy close
A world in which we loved truly
Unconditionally
Without physical limits

Now there is only cold
And the linger scent
Of sweat
Staining my bed
I want a friend
To come and help me
Rinse it all away
Not to fix me
Or make me whole
But to help me find myself
To love myself
While they fall in love
With them

Loving you
is knowing I'll have to let you go someday

Loving you
is accepting heartbreak

Loving you
is bearing the weight of our end
and bearing it gladly

Loving you
is crying in your arms
my ears full of your soft comforting words
my head full of wondering
when I'll hear your voice for the last time

Loving you
is that crushing feeling
that knot that forms in my throat
when I think about you not loving me anymore

Loving you
is knowing you'll find someone else someday
and love them how you loved me

Loving you
is picturing your wedding day
putting myself in the place of a bride
I know I won't be

Loving you
is begging the world with all of my soul
that I get to love you as long as I can

Loving you
is facing a world after you

Loving you
is kissing you on the cheek
one last time

Loving you
darling
is letting you go

I think I'm lucky
Sometimes
Not that I am a woman
But that I can pass as a man
I'm tall enough
Curveless enough
With a flattened chest
And short gelled hair
I'm the closest thing to safe
In the streets
As a woman can be

I wish I could say the same for my friends

Moonlight
Gardening
Playing punk music
In our
Tiny backyard
Kale brushing
Pale bare calves
Soft earth
Between toes
Cucumbers plucked
From delicate stems
Eating the fruits
Of long hours
In the dry sun
On a dew damp
Trampoline
On a cool full moon

Wind whips me
Sharp blades against my skin
Maybe I'm a *******
I don't mind
This icy thrill

Cold air
Sleek against my lungs
Filling me up
With a frost
I can't get enough of

If diaries could bleed
This would get ugly
I know I need help
But I'd rather be alone
I can go to therapy
And tell all my sob
Stories and tragedies
It wouldn't matter
In the end because
I'm still dead
Abandoned in a coffin
In the back of my head
My best friends
Brought me roses
Instead of tiger lilies
Because they don't
Really know me
I'll be buried in white
When I finally
Rest my mind
Because no one likes
My gothic side
I hope they'll play
My favourite songs
The ones I left on loop
But they won't
No one knows
What it is I do
And with all this
Spare time I'd say
That's probably okay
Aside from watching Ru
I sit in my room
Thinking about things
Life and death
And all that stuff
Pondering the galaxies
Instead of facing
My own reality
Because the truth is
I can only be
So different
So those demons
That you thought left
They're all still here
And they're all my friends
Better than the ones
Who currently hold
That ugly claim
Someone's got to leave
It won't be them
And it won't be me
I guess we both
Know what that means

I don't know if I'll ever stop looking
If my heart will ever
Cease to skip a beat
Whenever the phone rings
Whenever I see your name
When something happens
Out of the ordinary

You're someone that I love
Miss
Trust
It's not pain, exactly
Just waiting
With the occasional pulse
Of realizing how much you mean to me

****** teeth
Dripping in the sink
Watching all that pain
Drain away
So perfectly
Summer sun
Lights up my white
Tattoos
Putting pins and needles
Up and down my spine
Painting out
My chalk outline

You are all here dancing
'Round my insides
Like dizzy stars
Haunting me
My lovely ghosts

And I know I'm innocent
Innocent as any of you
Innocent as the Northern Lights
But you're all still here
Scars on my stomach lining
Chips in my ribs
Pressing kisses to my esophagus
That make me choke

I know I will have my ghosts until the day I die
And even once we part from my body
We will mingle in the stars
Maybe then you will have what you want
You can tear apart all the pieces that were me
Destroy me like I destroyed you

A cosmic apology
A cosmic goodbye

Am I more like
The deciduous trees
Shedding their leaves
Like crippled tears
Cast to the ground
As shrivelled fears
Bleached bone branches
Raised to the sky
Begging for an end
To what has only begun

Misery
Is my favorite company
Because she never
Gets tired of me

Missing something
Like a lock
Without a key
Some essential piece
Gone

I recognize my failings
I just wish
They'd recognize me

It's a rush in the morning
Throwing on clothes
I didn't take my drugs today
I'm essentially ******
That's what that means
I could've worn my trench coat
But anxiety's a *****
I'll just dress in black
From head to toe instead
Raining down like tears
Falling from my bitter mouth
The weather is forever
My biggest ******* mood
I could black my eyes
And slit my wrists
But I'll iron my bangs
And slip on my vans
That's what Ohio is really for

The sun shines
Too bright
On fragile grey eyes
California gothic
To the translucent sky
If I pray
The ground will shake
But if I'm prey
It'll shake anyways

She does so much for me
Birthed me and took me
Out to see the sun
Raised me in a meadow
Of daisies and green
Lulled me to sleep
In the shady wake
Of a weeping willow tree
Those gnarled roots
And twisted tongues
Of emerald flame
Will never not
Be home to me
She is gone
Or perhaps I am
Still there are sights
Of her shadow
Long off in the woods
I am just a burden
On her gentle
Nymph's hand

The only person
I wanted to see today
Isn't even here
So I'll just sit
Do my work
Let the minutes
Pass like moths
Fluttering to the light

This is selfish
And I know
I know
I always do
But that doesn't stop me
From self absorbed thoughts
Then panicking
When I notice
Then slicing open
My thighs
Bleeding out
My lies
It's such a vicious cycle
And it's only
The start
I won't say
That I'm not ashamed
Of the things I've done
Of the person
I've become
But I also can't say
That I didn't want this
That I didn't
Ask for this
Because I did
And I deserve it
I don't remember a time
When things weren't wrong
It's the subtleties
The little things
I looked up
On my first phone
The pinching
The picking
The restricting
I was only eleven then
I made friends
I shouldn't have
I opened my arms
To the whole world
And it rushed in
Too fast
I wasn't ready
I know that now
But I asked for it
And I can't change
The past
The first time
My mother told me
She was worried
I wondered why
I was always
The one who worried
The one who noticed
The anguished faces
Who pressed her ear
To the bathroom door
And heard the muttered
Conversations
About things
And how they go wrong
And always
It seemed
I was the heart of it all
So I was scared
I wanted to change
I haven't known a day
Without shame
In at least five years now
That's an awfully
Long time
To survive
In the wild
Menacing darkness
Just a child
A babe in the woods
How would you feel
If that babe knew
About the monsters
The creatures of the deep
All the bad things
That most people
Run from
And she took them
With a scream
That was me
I was lost
I still am
To some degree
There are scars
That will never fade
But it was all
For a rush
That highlight
Starstruck
Moonlit night
When I cried
For so long
Because I couldn't have him
Or her
Or them
Or anyone
In particular
And it all climaxed
Again and again
There doesn't seem
To be an end
Just more walls
In my twisting maze
Every time
I see a light
It turns out
It's just a phase
An illusion
A ghost
Of something I never had
Maybe if she hadn't died
Maybe if they'd never fought
Maybe if I'd been a
Better child
None of this
Would've happened
There must be
Another world
Where I find happiness
But that's not mine
That's not me
I'm the timeline
That everyone is glad
They don't belong to
I'm the mess
The perfect tragedy
My parents
What do they even
Think of me
I can imagine that
Hospital fees
Add up pretty quick
And with all that I've done
I'm not worth
What I cost
I'm just a mess
A disaster of a girl
I was never meant to be born
But he died
Instead
And here I am
Dying for the light
But unwilling
To venture out
I guess I'm
Sick and twisted
In a number of ways
But more than anything
I'm scared
And I'm not enough
I'm not skinny
Like I was
I can barely show
My face in public
I can't wear shorts
Except around the house
And I hate myself
So much
Most of the time
That dying often seems
Like the only answer
I'll never stop coming back to
So yeah
My depression
So big and ugly
I'm unable
To untangle
Its reflection from mine
We're so
Intertwined
I've been here for so long
It's grown around me
It's a dying tree
And I am dying with it

My heart hurts
Because it remembers you
But it doesn't recognize you
It's been over six months
And your demeanor has changed
You were so hopeful about life then
Now you're a husk
Dry and overworked and empty
Drained of everything you used to be

But maybe it's just me
Maybe I don't see the side of you
That still cares if you live or die
The part that loves video games
Hiking
The sound of my voice

I miss your soul
I feel such loss for you
It's a melancholy malaise that has settled over you
My heart hurts for you

I'm going to confess
All of my best secrets
Mostly that you're cute
And I want to hug
And if you put your hand on my thigh
That wouldn't be so bad
But mostly let's tell jokes
And go to the park
Make fun of all the books
In the local library
I want to hear your music
And all about your friends
Let me spill my darker ****
Or read with headphones in

It's really crazy
If we're being honest
But I'd just as soon
Hang out with you
As I would make out
My feelings are far from platonic
Don't worry about that
I just want to be with you
Wherever that may be

Faded eyeliner
Empty monster cans
Tears unspilled
Clouding up my vision
While everyone in class
Laughs around me
Hip hop songs about suicide
And dark trap about death
Clothes strewn across my floor
Bed left unmade
Uncomfortable classroom chairs
Flannels and sweats
Big hoodies and pajama pants
Dyed hair with the roots growing in
Fingers torn and ripped to ****
Eyeshadow on my arm
Masquerading as bruises
Bad skin and dark circles
Gently faded scars
That's my new aesthetic
The face of resenting you

I hate him
I hate that my dreams of him
Are the happiest things
I hate that part of me
Still thinks he's okay
I hate that my mind
Keeps bringing him back
Long after I've blocked him
And tried to move on
I hate him because it's easy
It's easier than hating myself
I hate because if I don't
I start to wonder
If it was my fault after all

Nighttime
Is not moonlit cheeks
And starry eyes

It is a silent island
A private pillar
In the mists
Of lost sleep
A single bleary eye
Fuzzy and clouded
Picking out the patches
Of pixelated sky
Deadened by darkness
Alone again

Streaked by rain
Hair matted down
To their face
Watching from my window
Up on their toes
Glass pressed to nose
Loving me
In a way that only
A night watcher could

She was the loveliest woman
I could ever meet
But she changed
Slipped into a sea
Of bitter ecstasy and
Hazy schemes
She began to scream
Pound on the doors
Twist her head
Like an exorcist
Speaking little
Only to rear back
Teeth flared
What a snake she has become
I cry for her
At first
Cry for no man
For no God
Tears only last so long
She hides away
In that miserable hovel
Of a cave
The sympathy stops
All dried up
That ***** she screams
And screams
Slamming doors
Playing piano until
Three in the morning
Even in my dreams
She comes for me
Calls me down
Then drags me out
To ****
I couldn't love her anymore
Not if I tried
Eating her more scraps
Back to us
Facing away from
The only one
Who ever loved her
I am sure she cries
Still
In this late night
But I no longer care
Something has poisoned her veins
Nightshade, perhaps
Or a stray doctor
Whatever insanity has taken her
It has left is with nothing
But a rage with which
To burn her body

With one breath
Caught in my chest
Whoever knew
That noon
Would be my darkest hour?

And the best part is
This isn't that bad
I've suffered worse
I've cried myself to sleep
Now I'm not numb
Just stunned
By what I was
Too blind to see

what is real
that's what i want to know
what exists
is anything of this real
and if not
what is
what if this is just a fantasy land
inside my own head
what if i'm in a coma
what if i'm somebody else
what if i am the only one that exists
what if i don't exist at all
what if there is some massive movie screen
that everybody can watch
from which everyone can see
the world through my eyes
what if i am dead
what if i have existed and lived a thousand times before this
what if this is some strange attempt to truly find peace
what if none of this is real
what if none of this is real
if i close my eyes
does the world cease to exist
and does anything truly exist
if it is possible for vision to fade and never return
perhaps the world is born when i am
perhaps it will die when i do
perhaps the world is just snippets thrown together
different perspectives
different timelines
there are explanations
the gods of science
but who is to say that that is real
who can determine what is real
is it me
is this all up to me
to all those reading
if there is anyone reading at all
i will never know you
i will never have a way to know
if anything
or anyone
truly exists
this life has the permanence
of dreams
flashes of images
thrown together
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
who is to say anything at all
my memories might as well be fake
so what do i do
do i do my best
to fit into this make believe world
do i let go of the universe
and play to my quiet niche
or do i let go of the present
let go of the past
let go of the future
and just be
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
does the world disappear when i close my eyes
does it all cease
to be
when i die
will the world die with me
is my body real
does it exist
and does the world around me exist
or is this all just hallucinations
is this anything at all
i have no way of knowing
i can see my fingers
i can feel my bangs
brushing against my face
i can smell the must
i can hear the gentle murmur
but what makes this real
what if this isn't real
what happens when it all goes away
what happens when everything goes away
what happens when i can no longer feel
what happens when my eyes don't see
what happens when everything fades
and even my thoughts go away
what is behind the veil
what is just out of sight
is there anything there at all
is it the void
is it just the void
the blackness behind my eyes
stretching out forever
is this the flashback
before i die
is my life running before my eyes
is everything draining from me
and is there truly mortality
do we truly exist at all
is there a we
or is it just me
alone
with my vivid hallucinations

it could go away so easily
it could be gone

i imagine those chambers
those water chambers
where everything is silent
and the water is the same temperature
as your body
and there is nothing
and you lay in the dark
is that dying
is that what truly exists
or is even that an illusion

is anything real
is anything real

The sun outside is bright
Lighting up the pavement
The patchwork brick walls

But inside

It is night for me

Blinds drawn
Only a lamp on
Sitting in yesterday's clothes
Shaking like a leaf
Swept up in the hurricane
Of my spiraling thoughts

Please
please.

Don't leave me

The thought of those memories
Sitting in your garage
Sunlight shining in
Surrounding your outline
An angel playing guitar
Singing so softly
and sweetly

Hyperventilating
It's the crash after the dissociated rush of adrenaline

I almost lost you

If I'm your closest friend
Then you deserve someone else
Someone who won't fall in love
When there's no love to be had
I'm sorry

I can pretend for a while
I can push you out of my mind
Or at least to the back
So I can comfortably rest
But you always come back
In a moment of lull
When the world slows down
I remember your eyes
How you stared into mine
And how you didn't

We are nothing anymore
Not like we were ever much
I try my best to start a conversation
You brush away my words like flies
I don't know why I try
You stay here out of convenience
And frankly, so do I
I'm bored of you and your fickle moods
Indecisions and second choices
We don't dare to cut it off
Just keep on circling

This isn't war
There are no bullets
Just blood
Seeping from the holes
And fueled by the heaving
Of broken breaths
Ripping through my sides

And this isn't hell
There is no fire
Only scars
Charred into my skin
Traced by the fingertips
Of those who loved me
Of those I left behind

It doesn't matter
That our eyes didn't meet
When we passed in the hall
That they sat somewhere else
While I looked straight ahead
And laughed too loud
With all their old friends

It doesn't matter
That we only talk when they want to
We flirt in careless circles
If you could even call it that
We hit a rough patch
I should leave you behind
For those that care who I really am

It doesn't matter
That I always end up
Close to crying
I ought to get you out of my mind
But you remembered my birthday
And the pronouns my friend told you
Why did I ruin this
Why did I ruin this