Everything *****
So here I am
Trying not to cry
In the middle of a class
Over just one stupid person
One stupid, stupid person
Barely worth crying over

They say there's no use crying
Over spilled milk
And they are an oil spill
Staining everything
The sheets, the skies
Staining my painful heart

I just want to move on
To stop being stuck
On some teenage crush

We talk during the day
And prowl at night
Donning our costumes
To prey on tv shows
No matter how many
Cute girls I meet
I will never forget
The ******* who raised me

I used to wonder
Spend my time daydreaming
Wishing she would
Reciprocate my feelings
But now I know
Now I have no doubt
I know exactly
How she feels about me now

End of the road
So they say
A cliff's edge
Nothing below but
The frothing sea
Waiting on a whim
To be blown away by the wind
Never knowing what you'll see
That your last breath could be your first
That there's a million stars out there
All glistening
Like the tears on your mother's face
When she watches your coffin
Lowered into your grave
The dew droplets
On the front lawn
Of a little house somewhere
Home to a girl and her dogs
A girl who survived the fall

Clear blue skies so wide
They might suffocate me
Sunlight like knives
Piercing my skin
Making me wonder
Why I should even try

It is strange
How quickly things can change
You were the one
The One
Standing alone
Raindrops in my palm
Entering the Louvre
I was so sure
But my confidence is failing
My eyes no longer
Spring to you
My heart feels nothing
My head feels empty
Why do things change?

You waved
Today
When I was driving off
It didn't mean much
I know
But it meant a lot
To me
This means a lot to me
You know
The way we talk
The way we play
This game
How many times
Can I tell you
I like your
Whatever it might be
Before you realize
I just like you
In general

This was supposed to be the year
That things came together
But so far I've only succeeded
At watching my world fall apart

It's rainy
And my reading
Has run dry
I don't want you
On my mind
Since when
Have you been
Painful for me
I've been writing
You poetry
For ten days now
And it didn't
Hurt before
You're difficult
Or maybe
That's me

Rain drums on roof tiles
And I feel strangely happy
My heart is shy and keeps quiet
But right now, leaps forwards
Dreams of plaid couches
And carpeted dreams
I'm content, again
In my own head

Hopeless
Helpless
I would do anything
To let you in
To let you know
That I feel your pain
I’ve been there
Same story
Same place
Crying out
To see the light
That isn’t there
But I’m by your side
So let me know
If there is anything
I can do
I think I’d do anything
To see you smile
Again

Quiet
Mournful
Hair before my face
Clothes before my skin
Body over mind
Learning all too well
That skinny thighs
And a sun bright smile
Are more than my mind
More than my hands
That touch
So lovingly
Creating and destroying

Bend me back
Until I break
A perfect body
I shall make
Burn the mind
Sell the soul
A perfect body
Makes me whole

We're friends
You said so
So did I
And we love each other
As friends do
Because we're friends
And you call me cute
Because that's what friends do
And I say I love your smile
Because I support you
So what if everyone
At your place
Thinks we're dating
So what if we're both
Chaotic lesbians
So what if I
Have a crush on you
So what if I
Think you like me too
We're friends
And that's where reality ends

It starts with a peach
It was a good peach
Not spectacular but
Still pretty good
It was free stone
So the flesh fell away
And I was left
With a pit
And an idea

Then the planting
Had to wait
For my mother
To get off the phone
To show a ***
Where my peach pit
Could grow
Bury it deep underneath
Fresh bagged dirt
I'm hoping it will grow
I'm still not really sure

If my peach does grow
I'll have more peaches
Or a tree at least
With fruit to come
I read up online
About how to take care
Of a baby peach tree
When to water and prune
When to let flowers
Blossoms and when to
Pluck away the stems

Now I get to wait
Through long winter days
Watch my peach pit
Grow or not grow
It isn't up to me
I'll hope it'll sprout
Into a lovely tree
But right now
It's just a peach pit
A tiny rock
Full of promise

Morning light
Might as well be midnight
You're asleep and I'm
By the window again
Watching shadows in the trees
Light on leaves and
Shadows
Leaving my body

Are they demons
Of mine
Fleeing for shelter
From summer light
Might as well
Bask while it
Lasts
They'll be back

Scared of the night
Isn't really my style
Shining out lights
Locking up windows
To keep myself out
Wishing that
All those days
Has killed more

I'm not suicidal but
Part of this
Needs to end

I'm such a failure sometimes
I'm not even close
To perfect
I guess
I never will be
That's okay though
There's enough light inside me
To light up this dark room
And even if it's ugly
It'll have to be enough
For better
Or for worse
All these things
These flaws
These intricacies
Are only for me
I'm a mixing ***
Of all the usual things
In a way all my own
My life
Is a culmination
To the one I am now
To the one I was
To the one I will become
For better
Or for worse
I think I like the one
I am

My love
I only think of you when it rains
I remember your face
In the light of my fish tank
Your silhouette is still painted
Against the outline of my window
I will not break
Until that fades

Because I can still feel your eyes
Locked on mine
You captured me
I'm still trapped in your cage
Existing in a moment
That no longer exists
Back when it was just you and I
Sitting alone
At this table for two
In the back of the school
Laying on the grass
When I got so close to kissing you

I'm still there
Locked in our nest that we built
In the woods behind my house
I can feel the sticks
Poking through our mossy bed
Just like I can still feel your arm
On my side
The first time we fell asleep
You right next to me
Laying on the floor
Of our best friend's house

I can still sense your heartbeat
And stickiness of my thighs
As we cuddled up in my loft
As you held me tight
You fell asleep in my bedroom
And all the soft sounds you'd make
Still echo in my ears
Holding me for days

Oh, love
Please never stop raining
When the sky clears
And the ground dries up
I might forget you
And where would that leave me?

I see you sometimes
In between
Rays of sunlight

You're not unfamiliar
With the shadows
Of things

I don't expect you
To wait for me
I could never ask that

I don't want you
To wait for me
I'll catch up

In time
I'll find you
On the edge of things

We're just two lonely people
Connecting across time and space
Over something
Something
That doesn't really matter
Tis a tale as old as time
The roles of you and I

We're probably be good together
You say
From deep beneath the subtext
I sit and nod
Hundreds of miles away
Check my feed
Waiting for my own response

I encourage you
Awkwardly
Because you're the man with the deep voice
You would normally be in charge
But not here
Not today
When we're two anonymous silhouettes
Dancing in the dark

I don't love you
Lonely stranger
But maybe I'll tell myself
That I do

You come first
Forever and always
I come second
With feelings it tow

All at once
We can breathe again
But somehow
The same old
Suffocation
Will never
Truly leave
I'm begging you
Please
Just let me be
I'm fading
Like the wallpaper
In the palor
With the water damaged
Trim
And the moldering
Carpet
While the leaves swirl
I just fall down
A decrepit house
And things live inside
That you don't want
To see
I'm not pretty
So darling
Slide a chair
Under the handle
I only last so long
The demons keep
Biting
At the windows
And scratching up my glass
I guess that means
It's time to leave

What's the deal with love
Why is it so elusive
Why do we all
Lives our lives
Chasing out own tails
In the name of love
It's the subject of every song
Every book and movie
Just has to have love
You can only be single
If you're ready to mingle
And I'm done
The only one
I can't wait to fall for
Is myself

The last day I saw you, it was snowing
It was snowing in the middle of March,
which was weird
But even weirder, I was sitting at your table
The cool kid's table
All of your friends looked at me like I was a freak of nature
But I was your freak
They saw us laughing and cracking jokes,
but mostly staying silent
and they left us alone

I wonder if I'll ever forget that day
I've already forgotten the way you dressed
or whether or not you were wearing your glasses
But I remember the snow,
cold and silent as us
Falling down outside
It was still there when I woke up at three o'clock in the morning
to your breathing
To the fact that you were still laying next to me

I remember now,
your red and black sweater
I never got why people call those things sweaters
I always called them sweatshirts, or pullovers
But you'd assuredly call it a sweater
Just like I know you'd always baby talk your dogs
and chase after Emmett in your backyard
and dream of smoking ****
in your unattached garage
I'll never know why you picked me
Why you chose to stick around
When you could've easily left
Maybe it was my perseverance,
If you could call it that
I could never let you get away
I never wanted you away from me

Maybe I'll forget this all someday
When I'm older and greyer
But not quite grey
Living with the one I called my soulmate
The person I chose to believe
was meant for me
Funny, how I still keep thinking about that person as you
when the conversation never flows quite right
how we can't be left alone together
in an empty room
There'd be no fear of passion
We are as lifeless as fallen stilts
The abandoned remnants of some government project
But for now I'll say that I'll always think of you
And I will think of you
Your hair and your stupid smile
Everchanging but always signaturely you
I guess I'll miss the few moments where I felt at home with you
at peace with you
Because after this quarantine is over,
nothing will be the same

Sitting alone
Drowning in dark
Gaze fixed
On the glowing light
From behind that glass
I'm happy enough where I am
There's no need to go outside

You aren't mine
You are your own
But that doesn't stop me
From calling you darling
In my mind
Because in my mind
You are always my love
You're my dearest
My sweetheart
The loveliest one
And I'll knit you a scarf
With all of my heart
I'll call you at night
And stare at the stars
Someday I'll see you
Even if it hurts
Because loving you is a choice
I will always make

Wishing
Wondering
On windy days
Hoping for rain
To pick up
The dirt
And the dust
To wash you clean
To whisk me away

It's raining again today
Normally
I fall in love
With the rain
But today
Something is off
Something is different
Something is wrong
Something I cannot place
But it is there
And it wants me gone

****
I'm sick
And you're with her
And I'm with me
He moved
Or maybe I did
I'm not quite sure
What Spanish has to do with this
Lost in thoughts
Half dream
Half reality
Doing my best
Not to obsess or
Fall apart
In my tiny corner
Wiping my nose
Roaming the halls
In my mind
Desperate for anything
But especially you

It's truly a bit
Ridiculous
That I still miss him
So long gone
Might as well be dead
In a hospital bed
But I hope to God
In whom I have no faith
That he'll call me someday
And everything
Will be okay

I hate you when you're laughing
Because you're not laughing
With me
That isn't fair
Life isn't fair
That's why you're
Over there and
Not looking at me
Jealousy
Is disgusting
And I'm full of it
I guess it's best
That I stink alone
And forget about the good times
Picking out music
Awkward compliments
Smiling through
A water glass
Nothing lasts
I'm hyper-dramatic

*******
Seriously
****
You
*******
******* for everything you did
******* for leaving me to die
******* for turning me against
My own best friend
******* for leaving me
With all these scars
And mental problems
*******
Because I can't technically blame you
For anything
******* for telling stories
For saying that you
Liked me back
******* for answering
******* for saying that you cared
You never ******* cared
All you did was lie
And for once I am not to blame for that
All I was
Was ignorant
I didn't know
You were going to manipulate me
And her
You ****** us over
Together
So *******
For all the days I spent
Crying in the counselor's office
Too scared to show my face
******* for being the class clown
******* for being so nonchalant
******* for daring to say that you would miss me
When you saw my arms
And all the pills
I sent you pictures
You *******
And you texted everyone
Oh yes
What great gossip
She's going to **** herself
Wow
Wasn't that just the biggest news
And yet you couldn't care less
Because it was
My choice in the end
So ****
You
*******
And **** me too
I guess
Because at the end of the day
This will never stop
Being my fault

I sometimes wish
I had left you with the snow
It's a joyful place
High up in frosted peaks
But strangely silent
Strangely empty
We don't stay long
Play around and stick to
Former's footsteps
Then pack up our car
And drive away
But I can't leave you
You're a timeless spring

Ever think about that quote,
"Real eyes realize real lies"
?

I guess my eyes are fake then
Because I never saw this coming

Darling, I have
Almost no hobbies
I tried to
**** myself
Once or thrice
But nothing ever
Came of it
I'm really just
Oh so boring
I read all day
And not what they
Want, oh no
I'm a travesty
To look at
A senseless tragedy
That's all I'll
Ever be
I'm too fond
Of overt manipulation
But darling
That will never
Stop you
From telling me
Who I really am
A mighty brainless
***** of sorts
And I'll never
Touch a man
A girl's only so
If she never sweats
And the only
Thing out there
Is an abusive
Husband
Love you're breaking
All the boundaries
You knit and
You sew and
You bake a cake
But don't touch
A crumb
You're smart
And you read
You'll soon be off
To university
Really just incredibly
Wildly exceptional
And for you
Opinions, well
Whoever said
That sexism
Is dead
Has obviously
Never met you

Someday, I won't remember this
Sitting in a bedroom
With only the Christmas lights on
On a half-baked winter solstice
In week old sweatpants
Faded hair and muscles sore
My vision blurring
Pixelating
Focused only on the screen
I won't remember this
No one will

Prose
A waterfall
Black and tarry
Flavoured waves of licorice
Lapping like kittens
Against the shore
Her garden is not one of Eden
But one of thorns
Dark and bruising scrub land
An ink stain against the sky
Filthy with life
A broaching scuffle
In richly opulent underbrush
A white and twisted creature
Seeping with magick

My favorite kind of song
Is not the lazy love ballads
It's the crashing ones
The catastrophic ones
The ones with the voices
Crooning gently
To whispered guitar
Before the solo hits
And you drive off the bridge
And crash your car

You remind me of what it's like to fall in love
The rush
And the eventual disappointment
It's been so long for me that I don't even feel human anymore
Everyone I know is a million miles away
And I don't even mind

I don't know
Maybe this is just more proof
That I'm better off alone
Because there's nothing quite like
The numbness crashing in
It's not something I can share with someone
I wouldn't if I could

I'm listening to old love songs
And they just make me realize
How I'm never romantically nostalgic anymore
I don't care about my old crushes
They've all turned to dust on me
The only boy I've ever loved might as well be dead
And I've resigned myself to the fact that he's the only love I'll ever have
He's the only one I still cry for
He's the one I'd die for
If it meant I could see him in heaven

I don't know
Maybe I'm over young love
Maybe I'm just preaching and goth
Not old for my time
But I feel no connection
To any of these people

I flirt with my ex girlfriend because I'm bored
She doesn't deserve it
She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen
And I was so in love with her before
But now that's gone too and I'm stuck rambling all because my friend is in love and talked to me about it on pinterest
I don't know
I never thought I would be so emotionally unavailable
That even romance wasn't my thing anymore

Hands too numb
To move anymore
Resting my head
On the inside shelf
Reflected in the plastic
High on the scent
Of must and dead butterflies
Breathe out hard
To fog up my reflection
I don't want to see myself

The anxiety hasn't been this strong in a long time
Hasn't been so overwhelming
Since I knew that I could leave you

You're one of two paths
Rough and sometimes rewarding
But does it ever end
Away from the heartache
I can't see around that bend
Maybe I never will

The other option is out
Taking steps to undrown
And do I want to
Do I want to
I don't want to leave you behind

It's been so long since I've been so crushed
By someone who knows they're a noose
I can't decide if I want to live or die
Anymore

It's a dusty
Terrain
Sad to say
It's always the same
Breaking down
In the slightest of ways
Never not
Waiting for rain
Sharpened heels
Dig into my thighs
As everyone runs
And I am left behind
Smothered in the clouds
Abandoned sky
I am their's
They'll never be mine

reading all those things
yeah that was a mistake
it's not like i haven't made mistakes before
but i thought i was better than this
or maybe they thought i was better than this
did i ever get better
or has this all just been lies
me trying to wait it out
so i can go back to my life
what's the sense in that
i'm here because i hated that life
or it hated me
i'm not sure anymore
either way
i wanted to escape
and now that things are better
i want to go back
i need to go back
not really but my options
are running low
i hate to think that i thought i found the answer
which turned out to be another game
as fun as that is
i'm tired of this ****
and i want to go home
but i'm already here
i just want to stop
to give up and let go
of all the things i convinced myself of
locked in my paper crate room
did it even make a difference
that's what i keep asking myself
do i just have to try harder
or am i completely ******
is this it
am i just not meant for life
is that how this is
i have things to do today
and i hate them
because as much as i wish i could go back in time
i know this truth
that nothing would be better
things would change
yeah they'd change a lot
but not for the better
because honestly
i hated myself as much back then as i do now
and even before that
before the winter ended
i still liked myself
more than i do now
i had something going for me
that's what i tell myself
if i could go back in time
i would change everything
i would try out for a different team
i would never have broken up with them
i would've tried to figure things out
i would've joined my friend
at that stupid art program
i would've ******* held on to the friends
that i managed to lose
so swiftly and ungracefully
i...
i don't know what i would've done
about him
in an ideal world
we never would've met
in an ideal world...
that year would've never happened
but the further back i go
the more i try to fix
the more i begin to realize that **** has been going wrong
for so ******* long
that i couldn't fix this if i tried
so what went wrong
i can blame a couple of things
but it doesn't explain it all
maybe nothing can explain
the chemical side
maybe i was just born to be ****** up
i wish i hadn't been born at all
it would've been much easier
if my older brother would've lived
maybe if i
had been born as him
things would've been better
i'd be a senior
gearing up for life
i'd probably be smart and tall
maybe ugly but probably not
i'd probably like girls and guys
just like i do now
i'd go to a good college
like my parents wanted me to
not some **** school in maine
that anyone can get into
i'd make everyone proud
and i'd beat up my sister's exes
if they ****** with her
and i'd do my best
i'd give her better advice
because she likes guys and i'd be a guy
and maybe things wouldn't be as ******
with my dad
but then again maybe they'd be worse
maybe he wouldn't've been gone so much
maybe a little boy would've been
enough to make him stay
maybe they never would've
fought in the first place
maybe i would've been everything
i am not today
maybe i would've been happy
maybe that's who i was meant to be
but i'm not
i'm not him
and i'm stuck with this life
at some other point
that would've made me strong
knowing that i get to play with the cards
i've been dealt
but now it just makes me want
to throw in the towel
to say i've had enough
because i have
i've had far too much
and nothing ever changes
and **** never gets better
and i'm still the hopeless wreck i've been
since i was a little girl
i don't regret anyone
or anything
other than myself
this has been
my sad ***** rant
if you read it all
i'm sorry
go somewhere else
this page is not a happy place to be

Wrapped up
In blanket love
Breathing out the past
And only looking forwards
Opening windows
To let in the spring
Cutting my bangs
So the world can see my face
I'm a whole new girl
I can smile now
There's an anchor now
I'm safe and sound

I don't want to save you
I want what we never had
To sit and talk about music
Without all the awkward pauses
I'm sorry for this
Because I'll probably leave you in the end

Sing me to sleep
In this heartbreak summer
Drown me in the spring
Where we clung to each other
Winter in my bedroom
Blankets pulled up to smother
On the one night a year
That we pretend we are lovers

Every season
Has a taste
The summery
Sweetness
Of a cantaloupe
Blossom
The autumnal
Burn in the
Back of the throat
After fresh rainfall
The lingering
Aftertaste
On a winter day
Of cardamom
The fresh forested
Aroma of
Pine needles
Crushed against
Your mouth
Every season
Has a taste
And I'm falling
For them all

I want to go home
I wish I was
As sick as you

I guess
I'll walk away
From everything
You never were
To me

All I was
To you
Was second rate
Second choice
Second place

It's morning
I'm mourning
The person
I used to be
That's stupid
Really
Because she
She was the worst
Never put
Others first
Hurt herself
Along with
Everybody else
But she was me
And she was
Something closer
To pretty
And she was mean
But she was
Something I'll
Never be

Sometimes I am lonely
Sometimes it gets so bad
That my teeth ache
In my jaw
And my legs won’t stop shaking

My mind is a mirror
My mind is a hammer
I’ll break myself apart
Because there is no one here
To stop me

Will there ever
Come a day
When self hatred
Doesn't seem so easy
And my body
Will be just another thing

It's funny how the bad things last
I could spend a year
Sitting in my veins
Pleading to any god
And everything would be the same
So seventh months later
How different am I?
Is my mind finally healed?
Are the scars finally fading?
Or am I destined
To be
Forever and always
Broken