I don’t want to do this
Any of this
All I really want
Is to listen to music too loud
Read and write poetry
And maybe get a little drunk
Because honestly
All of this “progress”
It’s getting old

Psychological abuse
Passive but certainly aggressive
You smile but then you speak
And the words that you utter
Meant to control me
My thoughts
My actions
But you're so sly
I don't even notice
I'm your puppet

My heart aches
I can’t survive being alone
It’s such an empty existence
Everything is meaningless
No one is around to care
But I’m really ill
And I’m only getting worse
What do you expect
When the invalid is left
To care for herself?

I’m working
I’m trying
I take my medicine
I bandage my own wounds
But the more I patch myself up
The more I wonder why it matters
Why should I bother getting better
If no one even noticed I was ill...
If no one seems to care...
If I don’t really care anymore...

What’s it like
To be young and wild
Carefree and a bit reckless
What’s it like to have friends
To party on weekends
To have relationships
Maybe a fling
What’s it like to be normal
Are you all happy like you seem
Because I seem to be dying slowly
And I’m upset with you all
I’m ANGRY
Because you never asked
Never wondered
If maybe
I wanted to be normal too
You just assumed
I was quiet and independent
I wouldn’t want in
Maybe I didn’t
But I do now
Now that I’ve pushed you out of my reach
I tell people how little I really do
They give me sad looks
But never reach out
I’m really rather unhappy
Because it would seem
All chance of happiness
Even just normalcy
Is kept out of my reach

It’s empty
It’s cold
Meaningless void
But at least if I bleed
I know I’m alive
I’m real
I exist
They just don’t want me

I don’t want to stick around
To see how my life turns out
And I don’t know
What to do
With that realization

I need to crumble
To fall apart
So I can put myself
Back together
The right way this time
But I’m terrified
That once the pieces
Start to fall
I won’t be strong enough
To pick them back up

What is this recklessness in me?
I was always so cautious, so precise
Now I just... I just don’t care
I want to know what happens
If I drive a little faster
If I’m honest with my mother
If I skip my meds... one day... two days...?
If I took a few more... a little of this, a little of that?
How many drinks before they know what’s wrong?
How many scars can I show before someone cares?
Now there’s not really enough left of me to worry about
Genuine concern replaced with a sick curiosity
The question “How much will hurt me?”
Has been traded for
“How much hurt before I’m stopped?”

This space in between
Severely ill
And
Finally well
Is so full of confusion
This mixed bag of
Pain
Happiness
Heartbreak
Memories
Old habits tempting
Creeping up to pull you down
While you can see light ahead
Begging you to get better
These are the growing pains
Of recovery

I’ve memorized the lines
They make me sick
Because I DON’T WANT THIS

I DO NOT WANT THESE PILLS

I DO NOT WANT THESE DRUGS

I DO NOT WANT THESE DOCTORS

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE


I WANT TO WANT TO LIVE




and instead. I’m reading another bottle
Over
And over


And man..... how all these bottles in my drawer....
They make me wonder........
What would happen......
If... if what they tried to use to fix me.......
If it could end me.....

You’ve spent so long
Fighting with yourself
Feeling absolutely everything
And sometimes nothing at all

You can’t hide from that pain
You can’t run
But I used to believe
That it would never leave me

I’m not sure anymore
I think maybe
I can see a life free of it
But for now,
It’s right behind me
Waiting for me to trip

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


If she drives the blade deep enough
Will it fix her?
As crimson pours out of her skin
Slowly seeping out
She feels... relief
finally... relief...
Like releasing her life force
Setting herself free
She watches as the blade moves
Allowing it to do what it will
It doesn't matter anymore
If it eases her hell... it'll do
Each stroke more desperate than the last
A need to feel
So she digs it in deeper
She draws it out longer

And, as always,
There's this thought
That one so terrible she tries to ignore
The thought.... to make it fatal

I was fighting
But I made too many mistakes
Gave in too many times
Indulged too much...
I can feel the shadows
Creeping into my mind...
Hahahahaha...
They’re starting to feel at home
Comfortable...
Twisting my desires
It’s alright...
I’m tired anyway
I feel like it’s time
To relinquish control........

I did it again....

You don’t need all those chemicals
You can feel them can’t you?
Heart rate picking up speed
Anxiety growing in your gut
You shouldn’t have done that
You know better
You know this is how you get worse
This is how you get bad
This is where you go wrong
When your hands are shaking
Heart racing
And you start to remember...

I remember....
I used to love this
I love this.

How nice it is to be remembered...
Not only was I noticed
Back then and again now
But you... you remembered me?
What a thought...
How simple, how kind
Maybe I’m less invisible than I’d thought
Perhaps I don’t simply fade out of the mind
I... I thought I’d always be forgotten...
But today...
You remembered me :)

a year lost
stolen
taken from me
and now
a year later
i'm still recovering....

i took a few brave steps
to drag myself out
of the hurricane in my head
i was so ruled by fear...
but i conquered it

and as a reward
a few months of bliss
emotions soared high
i could've done anything
on top of the world

but eventually i adjusted
stabilized
then started dropping off
going numb
feeling cold

i was convinced nothing mattered
haunted and plagued by the past
depression took root
everything was wrong
i'd flatlined

to pull myself back
towards reality
i've been searching
for pleasure, pain
anything

i'm reckless
i'm destructive
I just want to feel
Feel my pulse, my breath
Feel the bliss, the wounds
Everything. All of it.
I desperately seek a reminder
I'm trying to wake myself from this nightmare
Jar myself into reality
Because I keep finding myself questioning
If I'm even still alive...?

Okay, God
Let’s do this
You and me
At it again
I’ve forgotten what I knew
Lost my purpose
Got caught up in my desires
I don’t want to lose myself like this
Remind me who I am
Remind me what I’m doing
Remind me how to love you

tw: self harm


i can't even think
what happened
what did you do
why?
well....
you know why...
you've been curious
you've been craving....

you just had to see it
didn't you
some mark of tragedy
because they all forgot...
they don't know what you've been through

arrughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I JUST WANT TO TEAR IT OPEN
SLIDE THE SILVER DOWN MY ARM
WATCH ME BLEED
I WANT IT
PLEASE!!!

LET ME HAVE IT...

No. You must show restraint

I'M ALWAYS RESTRAINED
LET ME HAVE THIS!!!

You cannot do this. You know it.
They'll notice. You don't want that.
It's not for them anyway.
It's for you.

please.... just let me bleed

the motion of the blade is calming
repetition so as to not go too deep
i want to play out what i do in my mind
right through the center
where the skin is most fragile
a long, smooth stroke
from wrist to elbow
a laceration

LACERATE ME
PROVE YOU'VE FELT PAIN

and anyway
so far it's my most proven method
of shutting off my mind for a bit
can't think
just a blade and a victim
please.... i want more....

tw: self harm


There’s this noise
It’s on repeat
In my head
And it’s whispering
In the back of my mind

do it again
                  cut deeper this time
   don’t you want to see the blood?
                       don’t you want to feel the pain?
        you want it.              i know.
                         just pull out the knife
              clean it
and release

TW: Self harm, cutting


I did something
Why’d I do that....
Bought replacements
Told myself it was to keep it clean
But I know it’s so I can do more
Eight fresh, clean blades
I know they’re not for crafts
I won’t use them for cutting paper
But rather....
They’ll help me drip red

I’d really like to know
If there’s someone
To whom the idea of
Gently running his fingers
Down my cheek
Looking into my eyes
And kissing me deep
Would not be found
Utterly repulsive

I don’t think I’m abusing it yet
But I couldn’t stand it
I took some extra pills
It’s better.... calmer
I’m tired
Nearly asleep
Just let the darkness take your mind
And rest
Away from the torment
Until you wake

What do you do with yourself
When nothing is wrong,
But it feels like everything is?
The motions of daily life
Leave you numb and cold

You want to justify the feeling
Confirmation that the world is wrong
But you don't know what to believe
Your mind has lied to you before
So you sit in frantic silence
Restless and crazy

You know you should be worried
About something out there
But you don't know what it is
So you just worry about it all
Driving yourself mad

Once the panic in your flesh subsides,
Your mind continues on
Chasing highs of stimulation
Heart pounding and blood pumping
Desperately pleading its case

And all of this
The wars within
And beyond your skin
Leave you here
Restless and crazy

I don’t know if I loved you
But I know for certain
I was in love with the idea
That someone could care so much about me
And perhaps... I got romanced by it
By the hope that I wasn’t whatever I am
You were an answer to my prayers
But in the end
The lesson I learned best from you
Is that I shouldn’t have let you in.

cold heart
cold veins
cold limbs
you can’t rouse me
when i’ve flatlined.
simply don’t care
your pain doesn’t bother me
though i’m the cause.
scream all you want
cry for my soul
it doesn’t matter
i’m quite content
to remain cold
this all-encompassing numb
is far preferable to feeling, caring

except...

There’s this bit of me
Desperate to feel
Aching to be aLiVE

What a dangerous combination
Apathy and desperation
I could do ANYTHING
I’ll take risks
Because why not??
Push myself as far as I’ll go
Out of sheer curiosity
Take that curve a bit too fast
Say what you know they’ll hate
Provoke them all
Like toys for a game
And of course,
Medicate to enjoy the day
Convince them you’re well
Let them believe you’re happy
Maybe even trick yourself...

but soon the day nears its end
lights dim and isolation grows loud
the highs wear off
each night lower than the last
i can’t wait to go numb....
TAKE IT AWAY

I’m unstable now.

Anything could happen.

Perhaps rules really were
Meant to be broken
Checkpoints, goals, objectives
You’re developed, you’re grown
When you’ve learned the secret
That rules weren’t intended to be followed
Not precisely, for certain
Everyone at some point must learn
To bend the rules

So... what does that make me?
The respecter of rules.
I did everything you asked
I took all the precautions
Memorized the guidelines
Never broke a rule

Am I... am I to be broken in their place?

You should ******* run
I’m terrible
I’m lethal
I’m poison
And I’ll try to convince you I’m not
So you can make me feel better
But I assure you
I’m a monster
I will ruin you
If you fall prey to my act

I’m too afraid of breaking
I don’t know if I can make it through
Another heartbreak

So I run however I can
Hide from my feelings
Work, pills, tv
Just dissociate
Hold it in
Because feeling it will be worse
Facing it is to spiral again
I can’t survive that
So... I guess I have to run
A few more pills won’t hurt
Not yet anyway

Why does everything make me sad...
Good things make me sad...
Seeing people happy makes me ache
Everywhere I’m in pain
Because I really don’t feel okay
And I know people are figuring things out
They’re finding reasons to be alive
And every time I see them
Enjoying being alive
I am reminded
That I don't want to be

tw suicidal ideation




It’s comforting
So familiar
Safe even...
A warm, soft thought
That it’s still there for me
I still have that choice
The option of an end
An escape
My death

It hasn’t even been that long...
Bit over two weeks?
But tonight I gave up
I gave in to the pleasure
Stimulation
Excitement
Teasing
Prolonging
Then pleeeaassssure....
Mm... and to lie in bliss
In comfort
In serenity
In deep and surprising
Satisfaction.

I have to satisfy my demons
Or else they get restless
They don’t like it
When I ignore them
When I deny them
It makes them yell louder
It makes them more cruel
So I go somewhere safe
And cry
And scream
And break
Until I have, for now
Satisfied the demons

I always look for someone to save me
Every single time
I check my phone
I listen for footsteps
I want someone to stop me
I don’t really have that anymore
Now I have to save myself
But I don’t really want to

Ask me about my scars
I’ll show you
I want them to be seen
I want them to be known
Accepted
But I keep them hidden
For most will not understand
But if you care
If you see me
Just ask
And I’ll show you
My scars