her body
life-
less.
frail & cold.
i love-
d her.
i let her go.
i regret

all the moments
i did not hold her close.
it is
too...
late, now.

she belongs to the earth.

*maybe she was never mine.
i did not try;
hard enough.

i remember those nights
when you just couldn't stay away
sneaking in at 2am
because you had to see my face
grabbing me with both hands
you smelt of smoke and love
me standing there in my pajamas
thinking to myself 'this is enough'
because in that moment when you were there
i needed nothing else
it was mid-summer and worries faded
i could finally take my heart off the shelf
we were just two kids
with too little freedom and dreams too big
we didn't know where we were going
but we knew we'd make it
that trip to the beach
when you clasped the pendant around my neck
it was a seal of the summer
dangling gold right next to the mark you left with your lips
do you still remember sneaking in through back doors?
silent footsteps, trying not to get caught
we closed the door and let summer rain
threw away the key and solidified the lock
the night my parents went out
and for once, i didn't have to hide
you walked in straight through the door
for once, i could give up the constant fight
do you remember how we stayed in bed
the whole time you were there?
do you remember what it was like
to be void of all fear?
and when we used your uncle's house
to celebrate being reunited
we'd been away from each other for so long
the desire; we couldn't fight it
we've snuck through every closed door
we've broken all the rules
we've lived the life we knew we wanted
we've been kings and queens, we've been fools
but then one fine day
reality kicked us in the face
summer froze over
and responsibilities hovered
with miles between us
too much to say
the words lost in translation
longing for just one more day
because our bodies spoke more
than our words every could
and now that summer's gone
we're doing our best to survive this cold
passion lasts best
when the heat sets in
the frost has taken over
i don't know where to begin
but i know that one look
into your eyes
will give me the purpose
will give me the drive
those summer nights
they fade away
but i have hopes
for a shot at another day
because summer is always
just a moment away
and once it arrives
i know we'll seize the day
until then i will dream
and reminisce on the times
when you were i;
when you were mine.

if i died
you wouldn't cry
you'd be sad
but it wouldn't be that bad
maybe you'd tear a bit
then instantly realize it's not worth it
you'd turn your head then walk away
because i was never worth the stay

we used to sit on the roof
and count the stars
talking about my dreams and aspirations
we'd pass the hours

we used to sit on the roof
and count the stars
we'd talk about the little joys in life
and how much we loved ours

we used to sit on the roof
and count the stars
you'd tell me that the night sky reflected our souls
the stars like mirrors, glass shards

we used to sit on the roof
and count the stars
you'd tell me no matter what
you'd never be too far

we used to sit on the roof
and count the stars
now 5 years later
it feels like my heart is behind bars

i sit on the roof
and count the stars
wishing you were here beside me
and not just a collection of memoirs

i sit on the roof
and count the stars
hoping one day,
you'll take me back as yours.

i watched the pigeon
fly in circles
and wondered why
he didn't fly away

in the window of
a city apartment
he built his nest
and it seemed as if
he planned to stay

functional wings
and no constraints on flight
i questioned why
he didn't fly west to green meadows and clear skies
instead he chose the bleakest grey

and yet maybe i should
turn the question on myself
despite my freedom and wings
why indeed did i choose not to leave;
*why instead did i choose to stay?

it's both a blessing and a curse
to forget so easily

you keep hoping someone will reach out
and lightly touch you;
a reminder that you are not alone,
but you remain uncomfortably numb
in your lonely halo of sorrow-
*untouched, unspoken to.

the sun hid behind the clouds
causing the 9am sky to be a dusty blue
with rays of sun peeking through every now and then
it was mid-winter and the air was crisp
it smelt of the new year, full of hopes and dreams, love and life
the two of them were found sitting at a little table at a room-large restaurant
in the crowded, busy city center
she wore a pale yellow shalwaar kameez
with a light brown pashmina shawl draped around her narrow shoulders
to protect her from the frosty wind which blew back her dupatta
he still had sleepy eyes and unmade bed hair
she'd dragged him out of bed a little too early
it had been a long night, and it had taken a lot of strength to leave his blanket in the early morning hours
but looking at her eccentric face right now made him realize he'd leave anything to be with her right now
she asked him what he wanted to eat
and he was pulled out of the trance, staring into her green-brown eyes reflecting in the morning sun
"jo tum kaho" he smiled that little side smile at her, letting her order for him
the smile she had fallen in love with on the very first day
8 months ago, in the middle of summer when fate intervened and crossed their paths
she called the waiter and ordered two cups of chai and asked him to bring her parathas straight off the stove
"and keep them coming!" she yelled after the waiter who walked a few steps away to the tiny corner kitchen wide enough for a single man, maybe two
"keep them coming?" he looked at her, a little skeptical
"trust me on this one" she smiled widely at him, "if you can't eat them, i will"
that made him laugh, he knew she wouldn't be able to handle more than two
but he just smiled & nodded, anything she wanted, anything she desired, he couldn't help but grant her
she kicked off her khussas and scrunched her knees on the plastic garden chair
closing her eyes and inhaling the winter air
he looked at her and thought to himself
she is my breath of fresh air
and somehow, call it a sixth sense, she noticed his eyes on her
"kya dekh rahey **?" she pouted her lips
"bus...tumhey" he laughed
she hid her face in her dupatta
"stop it!" she giggled
he leaned over the table and pulled her dupatta away, lowering his voice as he said
"you're beautiful"
she caught her breath, lost in his mahogany eyes- strong, protective, loving
the waiter interrupted them, placing their order on infront of them
"yay. khaana's here! she yelled
to be honest, she was thankful it had come
she felt embarrassed by the grip his gaze had on her
and she was a little hungry too
she reached for a paratha, immediately pulling away and ****** her fingers
"it's too garam" she made a face
he split the paratha, unflinching, and gave her half
"i'm still stronger than you." she said
"i know." he made a kissy face at her
she wanted to reach over and kiss his pouting lips
but she she pretended as if she as unconcerned and began her food
a paratha and a cup of chai later she put her hands on her stomach
"i'm full"
he looked at the three parathas infront of them, the waiter bringing the fourth as per the order
he shook his head
"tum bhi na."
he told the waiter to parcel the rest of the food as he took the last sip of chai
the caffeine worked its way through his body and he stretched away the sleep
"you're full? chalo, okay, i had planned on ordering gulaab jamuns for dessert. i guess i'll have to eat them alone."
her mouth opened in shock, then, realizing he was joking, she smiled cheekily
"i always have space for a gulaab jamun or two."
he laughed, wondering how she managed to make him fall deeper in love with her as the moments passed
they sat under the shade of the gulmohar tree and ate their dessert in silence
taking in the beauty of the weather, of the city, of each other, of the moment
and as the sun reached for the sky, higher and higher
she reached for his hand
gentle, kind, warm
her touch sent a buzz through his body
"i love you" she whispered
he could only stare at her delicate pink lips as she spoke
realizing he had found within her an everlasting future
he smiled at the thought
he'd never thought he'd fall in love with such a silly, gulaab jamun-loving girl
but now, it seemed like she was the only star in his night sky
his shooting star
his hope
**his love.

woke up in the middle of the night screaming your name; God knows i felt the pain. seeing you in my dream with your lips so near. bringing my mouth down near your ear. then whispering to you pretty words of wonder. not distance nor death could have left us asunder.
i know love hurts, but tell me darling, can it ****? with the amount of blood on my pillow case, i'm certain it will. it is not the bad but the good which haunts me so; makes me wonder why i ever told you to go. because last night that glimpse of you was enough- to remind me that you're the only one i love.
but i'm bleeding, i'm broken, i'm yearning still. i'm hoping, i'm hoping that you are well. because waking up to silence and fear: isn't something i'd want for you, dear. is it too late for me to reverse the past? i've heard spoken words cannot be taken back. may i try, at least, to rekindle the flame? this dream has reminded me of why i always wanted yours next to my name. but then again, i suppose the blood is enough of a sign- to prove that maybe it's best you're not mine. or maybe you are in the depths of your heart. maybe we can go back to the start.
i'm hoping, i'm praying, i'm crying for you. maybe, oh maybe, this love is true. if it is then i have no fear. true love always keeps you near. you won't be far for long, my dear. & i'll never let you go once you're here.

my eyes were feverish and my head, it spun
i was almost delirious due to the pain in my abdomen
the frost of winter and the ice in my heart
slowly, slowly they tore me apart.
fragile and tortured, i lay in bed
the thoughts of you running through my head
and as the Morning Light entered through a break in the curtain
i felt your arms wrap around me to stop the hurting
your breath on my neck seemed to melt me inside
i let the tears flow, i didn't have to hide
you whispered to me darling i'll never let you go
just feel better, i'm here, you're not alone
rest your weary head on my chest and just breathe
darling i'll stay with you as long as you need
forever i whispered forever remain
you're the only one who can take away the pain
forever you whispered forever i'll stay
without me you'll never have to live a day
sleep a sweet slumber my sweet angel
i'm here now my love, there is no danger
my breathing regulated and your heart beat me a lullaby
and i felt calm, safe and blissful for the first time
i'm not quite sure when i fell asleep
but i fell asleep knowing you were next to me
Morning come, i found myself on a sterile single bed
with beads of a fevered sweat on my forehead
the sheets was made and your scent didn't remain
i asked them why you were no longer there to take away the pain
it's your delusion, child, he was never here
please get him off your mind, my darling dear
your fever it rises with the thoughts of him
you're burning dangerously from the outside in
you'll die if you don't cooperate with us
let go of this illusion of your love
he's long gone or maybe he never existed-
no! i cry *no he did he did!
he loved me he'd never leave me, God forbid
he held me last night as he's held me since the first day
he'd never leave me he'd never go away
it's you in the white coats keeping me so ill
he's my medicine my only way to get well
you're keeping me from him because you want to see me hurt
you cruel cruel men you like to watch me burn
he is not the problem it is you, it is you!
he is my love and my cure it is true, it is true!
but without him this fever won't leave and this pain won't surrender
i'll die! i'll die before the end of this weather!
oh doctor oh doctor give him back to me
oh doctor oh doctor don't keep him from me
oh doctor oh doctor i'll die can't you see
oh lover oh lover return, return to me please

oh, what bliss it must be
to find regretless intimacy

too afraid to admit you ****** up
so you carve the apologies on your skin
hoping that somehow the pain outside
will help **** the pain within.

i saw you in my dream
your face it made me scream
i woke up drenched in tears
having to face all my fears

your blood shot eyes
your piercing cries
your cold blood
your mean love
hands around my neck
i am begging for death
you never let go
you want me to know
what pain feels like
**i deserve a painful life

your kindness is patronizing
keep your pity to yourself
i'd rather lose you
than lose myself

i could have fallen in love
with the boy on the football team
the boy with a promised future
i could have gotten the diamond ring
and the honeymoon in paris
a white picket fence
had daughters with pretty hair
and sons with their dad's eyes
late night dinner parties and conference calls
steady income and monotonous life
i could have fallen in love with ease

but instead i fell in love with you
with all your bruises and scars
and your torn apart heart
your baggage and your past
your unwashed hair and your laugh
i fell in love with the dreams you held
and the late night conversations which never seemed to end
you had no money, you had no wealth
you had nothing to give me but love
and for me, that was enough

i could have fallen in love with ease
but instead i fell in love with *uncertainty

if you are my yesterday
then i wish for no tomorrow

when you're 17
you're trapped in the fallacy
that things can only get better
that this is the worst that it's ever going to be
that the best is yet to come

you think that this is the worst it can get
a broken heart and a worn out mind
a couple rough nights and cloudy mornings
you think that the sunrise is right around the corner
that you're working towards
a better future

you come out alive with cuts and bruises
a few broken bones
and you wait by the corner of the street
for a new world to take you away
and then you realize
this pain,
this pain is here to stay

and then one day you wake up
you're 37 years old
you thought it'd never get worse
but now,
even the dream of a better future
is gone with the wind
& that broken heart
it never got fixed
still 17 at heart
waiting for a better day;
fading away,
*fading away.

i want to bury you deep beneath;
you're too beautiful,
too beautiful for me.

sometimes it seems that
world peace will come faster
than *peace of mind

turning someone else's pain
into our poetry
is a crime we're all guilty of
putting ourselves in their shoes
just to be able to recreate their distress
on paper
momentarily,
just to feel something
to be able to write
to connect with the words we type

we're empty inside
we've been ****** dry
exhausted our pain
completely drained
with all our worries having drenched the paper
too many times before- flooded.

we turn to someone else
internalizing their woes
stealing their sorrows
so that we have something worth writing about

we need to write
it is vital for our survival
so we turn to victims of hurt
of abuse, of loss, of misery
we turn to you

we are
bloodthirsty; savages

pain is our medicine
it's what keeps us alive
i suppose it's a good thing
that there's enough to go around

back and forth, back and forth
it drove him insane
but the back and forth, back and forth
was still better than the pain

he'd rather be in uncertainty
than lose her all at once
the fear of never speaking to her again
was better than enduring silence for a few months

but it got to him, still
her lack of commitment and the way her mind changed
he wondered if it was so easy, to let him go
if loving him was as easy as being from him estranged

she was so hard to predict and it wasn't easy
she went from 'i love you' to 'i'm leaving'
one day she'll want to choose you, the other, lose you
she went from all night conversations to not even speaking

i guess for him, the pros outweighed the cons
the hope outweighed the fear
he'd rather live in anxiety
than the lose the possibility of keeping her near

it hurt him inside, every now and often
but he embraced the uncertainty, the shaky life
he kept his mouth shut and took what he could get
praying every night that one day, she might choose him for good, and become his wife.

she was a sick little girl
with dreams of conquering the world
but she was bound to her bed
because of the demons in her head

he knew how bad it could get
he knew what was inside her & yet
he stayed around, day after day
he promised he'd make the demons go away

there was little he could do
she was already infected, he was at risk too
but he lay in bed with her all day, all night
he made sure she wasn't alone in the fight

some days were better
some days were scary
but he never left her
he never got weary

on the few days she spoke,
she spoke nonsense that didn't add up
but she knew with him she could speak freely
she knew that him she could trust

on the worst of days,
sometimes it appeared to her
that his hands were claws
and his intentions to hurt her

she saw his eyes as burning red
his teeth as sharpened knives
she felt the hunger in his stomach
to take away her life

these delusions got the best of her
at times she tried to run
but he silently stood at a distance
and made sure she was safe until these delusions were done

eventually he would appear back to his normal state
and she would realize what was true
he wasn't a monster, he wasn't a demon
he was a beautiful boy; through and through

his eyes were of melted chocolate
and his smile worth gold
his hair a little messy
and his hands were perfect to hold

he couldn't make her demons go
he couldn't numb the pain
but it made it easier to cope with
he was the sunshine during the rain

she never understood
why he would always choose to stay
because she never could give him anything
and often, thanks she did not say

she was quiet most of the times
her demons spoke too loud
she'd just close her eyes and try to quieten them
she didn't want them to speak aloud

so the boy and the girl often sat in silence
and that's what made her wonder
if it wasn't her words and it wasn't her actions
why did he bother to stay with her?

she never asked him, however
she was afraid he might leave
so she just stared at the sky
and prayed for peace

she prayed that he would have all the happiness
all the joys, all the bliss, all the love
she prayed that no worry would ever hurt him
that he'd have protection from above

she prayed that one day she could be strong enough
to be his guardian angel
she prayed for her health and strength
so that to care for him she would finally be able

and that's the story
of the boy and the sick girl
who, even though they seldom spoke,
wouldn't give the other up for the world

we were the gods of cynicism
we embraced the dark
cheered on life
as it ****** us over
and then rooted for death

one fine day, however
your greatest dream came true
you left your bitterness for joy
and then you left me too
i only brought you down, you see
led you into the dark
i should be happier, you see
that's what i was told

so that one fine day you walked away
your suitcase packed with hopes & dreams
you told me i need to smile more
and became deaf to my deafening screams
off to manchester you took off
and empty handed i stood there
should've known i was all alone
in my land of guts & gore

i should have known i'm the only one
to intimately welcome evil
the only one to reside happily in hell
oh honey, i'm the foulest kind of devil.

we've been poisoned
with hopes and dreams
of "true love"

its hysterical
how naïve we are
we fell so hard
put ourselves on the line
for a poorly constructed ideology

you idiot
darling i'm such an idiot
to think there was good
in this world
to think there was a chance
that selfless love existed

ah, what a fool
to think marriage
was anything more
than a social norm
a convenience
that relationships
were actually based on anything
more than a false sense of
comfort and security

highschool kids
throwing away their future
bunch of immature children
tricked into thinking
that someone could make them whole
"let's get married"
"let's run away"
"we're in loooove"
we've poisoned our youth
love should be the last thing
on their mind

women giving up their dreams
men giving up their lives
for W H A T
the idea that
someone could keep them
from drowning
darling
oh darling
i wish that were true

but
w a k e u p

no one can save you
love is cursed.
we are cursed.

love,
in its own essence
does not exist
and i was such a fool
such a ****** fool
to think it lasts

i guess it just made me feel relaxed
to think that there was one part of my life
that could be just for me
i thought love was my escape
i'm holding up the world
i thought it would give me a break
rest my head
HAH
hysterical
i swear to God i'm in fits of laughter

believe in love?
ask the kid of messy divorce
ask the single mom with no idea where her baby daddy went
ask the girl with a broken heart
ask the boy who gives his all, in return for none

love
is
just
another
word
for
loss.

sorry to burst your bubble
but
your idea of "love"
**doesn't exist