The waves of the ocean
go back and forth,

and I can't help but to think
that that will one day be us,

Going back and forth,
crashing into one another,

until one day the ripples disappear
and get smaller and smaller

and eventually become flat like our friendship

To drown in the ocean
would feel like I feel

surrounded by darkness
of the big blue sea

The tides pulling me back
in the same way my mood does

To drown in the ocean
would be easiest for me

I can never find the right words to describe how I feel,
the words never seem to make sense,

everything I say sounds like a contradiction,
but they say opposites attract

But when I'm around you,
all my feelings just go away,

and all the negatives become positive,
and it doesn't make sense at all

I don't know how to control my stress anymore
day to day I let things get to me that I shouldn't

I feel as if I'm hopeless
and all this stress is getting to me

And it won't be long until I lose hope
and let all of this stress break me

You say that me shutting you out is selfish
but lets talk about being selfish

Is it not selfish of you
to constantly demand me to
open up to you when I don't
want to talk about it?

Is it not selfish of you
to ask me to change my ways
just so that you don't have to
deal with my problems

Is it not selfish of you
to keep me here in misery
while I'm suffering and you
won't let me go

Is it not selfish of you
to ignore my problems
as if they were not important
and you don't care

So please don't call me selfish,
when in reality I should be calling you selfish

Ever since you've said goodbye
Ever since you've walked away

Every day is a battle
a struggle that I cannot deal with

It's becoming harder to deal with day-to-day things
It's becoming harder to deal with life at this point

and I ask myself

what did I do to make you say goodbye
what did I do to make you walk away

I, to this day, have never made my parents proud
for it has always been a competition.

Comparisons to siblings that always damage whatever is left of your self worth, and criticism that picks at your self image

Will I ever be enough  I often ask myself

But then I realize Its foolish to ask,
because there will always be someone smarter to be proud of, someone wiser,
someone who never will be **me

They say honesty is the best policy
so let me be honest with you

I hate myself
I always have
I always will

I can't do anything to change how I feel

I can't fix my face
I can't fix my voice
I can't fix myself

You want me to be honest, and you want me to change

But I am honest, and I cant change
I never will be able to
and you'll never understand

I do not care about fame
I do not care about wealth

All these materialistic needs are just making me sick

What I do care about is making it

Surviving, to tell a tale
And being able to be proud of it.

Take me away
somewhere far away

it doesn't have to be paradise
but we'll make it our own

Take me away
somewhere far away

where I no longer need to fear life
and where we can live care free

Just please take me away

They say there are 1,025,109.8 words in the English language
yet none are capable of describing you

None of them are capable of showing your side of pure anger
and the side of caring for the things you like simultaneously

None of them are capable of showing how special you can make me feel
and then make me feel worthless seconds after

None of them are capable of saying how much I hate you
and none are capable of showing how much I love you

And that truly frustrates me

There will always be someone else

someone better
someone thinner
someone smarter
someone prettier
someone taller
someone cuter
someone perfect

so at the end of the day I wonder why I have the audacity to think I'll ever be someone if there will always be someone else.

I am tired of being used
like medicine to cure other people
when I'm unable to cure myself,

I am tired of being thrown to the side
like a crumpled up peace of paper
that once mattered to you,

I am tired of living in a world where
the only people considered your friends
are the ones who are truly your enemies,

I am tired of having to defend myself
for my actions of for my words

I am tired of being tired

At this point I don't care about anything
Realization hit me like a wave in my face
knocking me down and leaving me lost at sea

I cannot help but feel like a piece of driftwood,
an inanimate object unable to feel any emotion
for you have thrown me out like some sort of trash

but I realize that I meant nothing to you, I only thought
just like I thought you loved me,
or believed you when you said you did

but your words are worthless
their meanings revoked

I have come to terms with the fact
that you're not coming back.

I have come to terms with the fact
that all I was to you was just another girl.

I have come to terms with the fact
that all we had meant nothing to you.

And I have come to terms with the fact
that I am better off without you.

And I have come to terms with the fact
that you were just another mistake.

And I have come to terms with the fact
that I am indeed, over you.

Don't tell me to change
because I'll change for the worse

even though it seems bad for you
it'll seem like the best for me

because tearing myself down
is easier than building myself up

and i'll change me for the better for me
blocking out any form of emotion

so think twice
before telling me to **change

You remind me of the wind
constantly lingering everywhere I go

Messing up my hair
just to remind me of your presence

Whistling in my ears
telling the stories of where you've been

Yet some days I feel as if you vanish

As if all the wind just stopped

But I was dumb to think

that I was the only one who noticed you
that I was the only one with the messed up hair
that I was the only one who's heard your stories

I was just a speck of dust, taken by you.

I hate you.

I hate you for what you did to me.

I hate you for making me write about you.

I hate you for making me love you

I love you

I love you for caring about me

I love you for filling my thoughts

I hate you for loving me

I saw the same twinkle in your eyes
as I saw on a dark starry night

and words cannot describe the joy it brings me
when  you talk about something with passion

because I know what it feels like to be excited about something
and I would do anything for you to keep that twinkle

No word is strong enough,
nor gentle enough,
to convey the way I feel
about the sea

Something about the rough waves
crashing against the coast
calms me inside

I want to go back to the sea
because I’ve lost my heart

and the waves  will soon
claim me as their own

And I won’t fight back
because for once,

It’ll be something I want

I don't want you
to tell your friends
how much
I matter to you.

I want them to know
by the way you'll
look at me at dinner

or

the way you talk
about me when
you should be
doing something else

I don't want
a necklace
or a diamond

I want your lips
against my neck
whistle your hands
hold me like you've
never touched anyone
before.

I don't want anyone
I want you

There are so many traces of you left

The scent of you on my favorite sweater
that lead me to think of the movie we watched together

The doodles on my notes when you weren't paying attention
all drawn in my favorite pink pen

The things that remind me of you
hurt the most when I think of them

And I do realize, how much I miss you
and all the traces you left for me to find

Maybe** it’s stupid for me to think
so optimistically about us.

Us.

We.

Two different letters
With potentially two different
meanings.

I just don’t understand how such a
beautiful human being can exist.

There weren’t any signs to show
me how you felt about it.

Maybe I meant something
different when I talked to you.


Or maybe you weren’t honest
to yourself about how you felt.

But boy oh boy will I be honest.

I loved everything I ever had
with you, and I always will.

You were addicted to cigarettes
And you talked about how bad it was
How addictions were bad for you,

But soon, I became addicted to you
And you were right,

Addictions are bad for you.
They just end up hurting you

A.K.

It became obvious to me
that you no longer cared
when I was crying at one a.m.
and you were no where to be found.

It became obvious to me
that you no longer cared
when I destroyed myself
and you never noticed or asked.

It became obvious to me
that you no longer cared
when you blatantly ignore me
right when I needed you the most.

It became obvious to me
that you no longer cared
about anything having to do with me.

It became obvious to me
that I was just your puppet

It became obvious to me that I had to end it

I cried until I felt hollow inside
for all my feelings have left me

I cried in the hopes that I would forget you
In the same way that you had forgotten me

You once told me that you would always be there for me,
through both the good and the bad like I was there for you.

But you were just a lost piece of a puzzle waiting to find another,
and I was there temporarily, showing the completed image

until one day you found a piece and put the two together
you no longer needed me because you and her were the picture

your puzzle is complete and im useless, just a waste of space

thrown to the side to one day deteriorate without anyone knowing
or anyone caring

because in the end, everyone prefers to see the finished result than an image of it.

I am not a ****
like you had put me down to be.

I am way more than that.

I'm a flower that will keep growing
even when you're done stepping on me

because you walking over me will no longer have any affect on me

I take two,
double the suggested dose
but as I look at the clock
and notice the time
I get tempted to take more.
For it’s 2:18 a.m.
And nothing else will help me
at this point

The scent of alcohol on your breath
leads me to think that what you're saying
is not sincere whatsoever

The way you hesitate when I ask you something
leads me to think that you're sick of me
and I shouldn't bother you anymore

The way you sigh when I talk to you
leads me to think that I am no more but a burden to you
and you'd be better off without me

The way you smile when she talks to you
leads me to think that you'd be better off with her
instead of with me

There's not enough painkillers, to relieve the ache left in my heart
Thinking of it alone, makes my head pound

You were everything to me
but I was merely a speck of dust in the dessert that is your life

And at the end of the day
I may die of medication

but I sure killed all the pain you left behind

For a brief moment
just a second

I thought I mattered
I thought you cared

I felt alright
I felt whole

Only to have the thought torn away by you
like I meant nothing to you

and then I realized

I never mattered
you never cared
and I certainly was not alright

Your words leave me empty
as empty as the bottle
laying next to me
on the floor at
4:16 am
when I no longer had anything left.
16.
I was your 16th,
or 17th?
was i just a number to you?
or did you genuinely give
a care about me?

It’s hard to know what to believe

He loves me
he loves me not
popping a pill
for each time in which
I am in doubt

I end up downing the bottle
knowing that I may die from all the pills
but at least I killed all the pain.

4:16 am

I am contemplating my life
was it worth it to do this?
Is it worth it to live
In a life in which I am not fully loved
yet I give out all the love I have to offer
to those who are not worthy of it

After all the **** that you've put me through
After all the lonely nights wondering where you were

I wonder why you bothered to stick around
I wonder if I was right for ending everything

There have been good days
where I feel as fit as can be
and laugh and have a great time

However, there have also been bad days
where I let my insecurities find their way in
and I let my thoughts get the best of me

But have it be good or bad
I know that after all
I'm better off without you

You didn't break me

You're just another person
who failed to fix me

but I was already broken

In oblivion the one thing ill remember is you
And when im part of oblivion as stardust ill finally be happy
For your memory is more i could ever ask for
And itll be your love that ill feel when i die, as i travel through the cosmos eternally
And my ashes will follow the breeze along with the stardust and spread the love to those in need.
I will remain in an ethereal state as energy is not created nor destroyed
And just like we started as stardust, we all will return to it.
Completing the beautiful and terrifying cycle of life

When I'm around you
you make me see
colors that don't exist

I always fail in expressing how I feel

The closest I can come to a concrete explanation
Is comparing myself to situations
That will somehow make me feel
like I am not alone
in the way I feel

You've been gone for over a year now
but whenever I unlock my phone
whenever a notification goes off,

I cannot help but hope it is you
I pray that you've seen what you done
How you've hurt me, and damaged me
and maybe apologize

But how foolish can I be
you never cared about me
and you never will

so I don't know why I still hope
to see your name flash across the screen
with a sincere apology

I am not good with words,
neither with actions,

So please forgive me if I **** up,
I promise I never meant to hurt you,
It just seemed like the best thing
Even though I know its not

I cannot adumbrate my feelings towards you,
I'd end up correcting myself endlessly,
Words alone, have no meaning to me,
but once you say them, you give them value,

for they make them, and me feel noteworthy.

I hate having to explain how I'm feeling
for its like explaining why I breathe

There is no simple way of putting it
I cannot construct the sentences that would satisfy you

All I can think of is why you care
and how in reality you don't care

So in the end, Im better off just saying I'm fine
rather than having to explain it all

My soul filled with sadness
the day you said you were leaving

I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces
It would take too much effort to put it back together

All I felt was numbness, that wouldn't go away
no matter what I tried, no matter what I did

I couldn't tell the difference between destruction and creation
It all just seemed the same

And after you left, you moved on
but I was left cutting my fingers
trying to put back the pieces of my heart

wondering if it was worth it at all

Id rather give into my demons
that constantly run my mind

I am no longer myself
and I never will be

for this has taken over me
and Ill never be the same again

And soon, ill let them take over
*without a fight

I was always  broken

you said you'd fix me
but once all the pieces were back together
you had nothing else to do with me
and just like that
you left me
leaving me broken again, and in peices