do you recall
the crunch beneath our feet
a gesture small
as we ambled down the street
dirt and gravel
I felt pebbles through my shoe
I unravelled
When I looked at you

Where did you come from
Are you real?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
A dreamgirl
In a dreary place
I’ve counted every freckle on your face

Sunlight peaked through maple branches
in such a tranquil way
missed chances to make advances
I always hoped you'd stay
a fork in the road ahead
we went different directions
I used many different methods
to try and snag your attention
Where did you come from
Are you real?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
A dreamgirl
In a dreary place
I’ve counted every freckle on your face

you never seemed to notice
you just stared ahead
heart bloomed as if a lotus
while I tugged at a loose thread
sometimes I'd begin to speak
but choked upon my words
so I walked next to you without a peep
and together watched the birds

Where did you come from
Are you real?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
A dreamgirl
In a dreary place
I’ve counted every freckle on your face

it's odd and super subtle
the synchronicity
insignificant and pointless
yet means the world to me
quiet walks every afternoon
past the garage and dead leaves
we watched the starlings courtship
do you remember me?

Where did you come from
Are you real?
Is this how I’m supposed to feel?
A dreamgirl
In a dreary place
I’ve counted every freckle on your face

Reminisce on all the early days
Stuck inside of a drunken daze
I went based off of all your fleeting words
Couldn't begin to think it all would hurt

Back of the head
Look over shoulder
All that you've said
I go over and over
I want to believe that you're honest and true
But you held my head under water, the coldest of blue

I'm angry I'm mad I release it in tears
Nowhere near the pain I've felt all these years
I inflict on myself some sort of grounding
Body or heart I'm used to the pounding

Back of the head
Look over shoulder
All that you've said
I go over and over
I want to believe that you're honest and true
But you held my head under water
The coldest of blue

Hypnotize me with the lies
I'll listen to it all despite
Pain distracts from desire to die
Who lives through this more? You or I?

Maybe I'll take control of all you do
My fake *** puppet
Serve my desires
in the end for you

Back of the head
Look over shoulder
All that you've said
I go over and over
I want to believe that you're honest and true
But you held my head under water
The coldest of blue

It took a lie for you to show me devotion
My own ****** up version of a love potion
Treat me good so you feel secure
Accept others admiration based on a fear

Back of the head
Look over shoulder
All that you've said
I go over and over
I want to believe that you're honest and true
But you held my head under water
The coldest of blue

My makeup is running and I'm feeling so broken
Its all a ******* joke
The words you have spoken
I empty my soul all the well
For a person so ******* full of themselves

I suffer and shudder
Bury all of it under
I cant begin to imagine
Somebody other
Than you
So drown me in the blue
I'll take it for you
For the sake of something new

Back of the head
Look over shoulder
All that you've said
I go over and over
I want to believe that you're honest and true
But you held my head under water
The coldest of blue

Is it for me or is it for you?
Is it for me or is it for you?
Is it for me or is it for you?

Prove it
If only
To feel good from what you do

The crash of us together
A wave caressing dancing sands
We kissed with tongue for hours while our mouths were full of glass
You cradled me so softly
and kept my heart inside a jar
I took your brain, made you insane, our adhesive made of tar
Can I **** myself with you? 
I want to stick to you like glue
Our fingers intertwined as they turn stiff and blue
The world is scared of dying,
Always looking for a sign,
But if I died with you beside me 
I know that I'd be fine
We inflict upon each other
pain, despair and passion
undying devotion
has always been in fashion
You hurt me so bad
But always hold me after
We sob together yet always end in laughter
Can I **** myself with you? 
I want to stick to you like glue
Our fingers intertwined as they turn stiff and blue
The world is scared of dying,
Always looking for a sign,
But if I died with you beside me 
I know that I'd be fine
A space is in between us now
A shield so to speak 
But I miss the way it used to be and every night I weep 
I wonder if you miss me too even though I'm still right there
Its as if now that we're better we have nothing left to share
Can I **** myself with you? 
I want to stick to you like glue
Our fingers intertwined as they turn stiff and blue
The world is scared of dying
Always looking for a sign
But if I died with you beside me I know that I'd be fine

You and I we lived a lie
And spread it to the masses
I made sure to tidy up and wore rose tinted glasses
I saw the flags and all the bad but couldn't understand
I cried myself to sleep and stuck my head under the sand
But somehow baby I just never could be what you needed
Accusing me of everything, yet you're the one who cheated
Such a sad realization when you wake up to a stranger
That you somehow knew for years and yet your connection's weaker

So goodbye goodbye goodbye I walk out with a bang (Just like I walked in)
Goodbye, goodbye goodbye we'll never meet again (you should have listened)
I know I told you baby that this was til the end (for better or worse)
But eternity don't work for me, if youre hurting me, my friend (you were my curse)

You told me I was heartless when I left without a tear
I guess you didn't count all the times I cried those years
You wounded me in different ways in which I still can't heal
Still I was devoted, my hearts not an easy one to steal
I gave you enough chances, time and time again
If you really cared about me, than you should have listened
So call me this and call me that
I really dont give a ****
I know that for some other man someday I'll be more than enough

So goodbye goodbye goodbye I walk out with a bang (Just like I walked in)
Goodbye, goodbye goodbye we'll never meet again (you should have listened)
I know I told you baby that this was til the end (for better or worse)
But eternity don't work for me, if youre hurting me, my friend (you were my curse)

How can I learn to trust again after such a failure?
You were just another waste of time, you weren't my savior
Sometimes I still think of things you said I get lost inside your lies
But I've grown so much since I stood my ground, you'll never realize
I won't allow myself to act stupid over another guy
I deserve the world and will except no less than the moon, the stars, and sky

So goodbye goodbye goodbye I walk out with a bang (Just like I walked in)
Goodbye, goodbye goodbye we'll never meet again (you should have listened)
I know I told you baby that this was til the end (for better or worse)
But eternity don't work for me, if youre hurting me, my friend (you were my curse)

Fast forward to the future and look how much I've grown
Can't believe how good I'm doing out here all on my own
I became my own support system, my own best friend
I don't need nobody else baby I got this til the end
But then a pair of eyes caught mine in a way I can't explain
They look not a thing like yours and I'm over the moon again
But this time will be different, this time Ill be stronger
I refuse to be abused or suffer any longer

So goodbye goodbye goodbye I walk out with a bang (Just like I walked in)
Goodbye, goodbye goodbye we'll never meet again (you should have listened)
I know I told you baby that this was til the end (for better or worse)
But eternity don't work for me, if youre hurting me, my friend (you were my curse)

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I'm done with all your heartache
And I promise you by the time you notice what you threw away
I'll be someone else's cherished "mistake"

Dysfunctional behind closed doors
Shapeshifted the lovesick *****
She'll touch you timid, trembling hands
Scared that you arent coming back
Digs through drawers and under the sink
Searching for her missing link
A cigarette will do for now
At least it isn't puppy chow
Shameless in her actions past
Comfortable in coming last
Theres more than at the surface level
And everybody's personal hell
Clove hitch knot around her waist
She followed at a steady pace
Wrapped around your pinky finger
She mimicked all you seemed to give her
What her eyes can do to you
Back of my throat still tastes like glue
What a sullen memory
Of what that **** can do to me
She bites her nails and fingertips
Terrified that she might slip
A clumsy dance that she once knew
Of falling into penance due
Twirl your hair and crack a smile
This one's gonna take awhile
Different or the same old same old
They've paid for it in pounds of fools gold
Chasing after fading dreams
Tripping up on memories
Will she make it on her own
A concept simple, yet unknown
A reunion of the sweetest kind
Desperate to escape the time
Spirits burn an empty soul
But never can they make one whole
Echoing within her chest
"You have always been the best"
She sips and stares across the room
Shadowed by her phantom groom
Cut off from hearts nourishment
All on her own cursed to lament
The choices that she didn't make
And chances that she didn't take
A sigh inside an empty mind
A drop of water off the tide
She's buried next to clementines
Roots entangle, synchronize
What a pretty little mess
Of despondancy and tenderness
And she's still waiting underground
For a love once frolicked, love once found

Can't talk about, can't write about, a single thing but loving you
Don't mean to schmooze, my shameless muse, always down for aimless cruise
stare through window glass at tunnel lights that zoom straight past our heads
I walk on air, dodge solar flares, ignites my mind when I'm in bed

I can't stop, cotton to moth
brushstrokes swirl upon the backdrop
slumping over center console
dream about centaurs and scary monsters
shake me awake and tell me its okay
I know it is but it feels better that way

And I feel a nostalgia a sense of old security
the same I got when I was young and fell asleep to the TV
underneath the afghan with unwravled threads and fraying ends
hold onto me while I nitpick the same old **** inside my head

I can't stop, cotton to moth
brushstrokes swirl upon the backdrop
slumping over center console
dream about centaurs and scary monsters
shake me awake and tell me its okay
I know it is but it feels better that way

Tell me baby is it true?
Should I ride or die for you?
can I be your passenger?
or do you find me lackluster?
I can't let it be the thought of you and me
scared that our future is tragic history
and every time I find myself ready to shift gears
something holds me back, some aching type of fear

I can't stop, cotton to moth
brushstrokes swirl upon the backdrop
slumping over center console
dream about centaurs and scary monsters
shake me awake and tell me its okay
I know it is but it feels better that way

I think we've found
an understanding
A common ground
Island in sea
I dont want you to feel shorted
So listen to me now
This is so important

When it comes to you and comes to me
I know there was uncertainty
But I also know how things are now
What we feel is more than what we usually allow
ourselves
And Its okay to let it come
And I could tell that you just wanted someone

So let me in you're the only one who can
I may be the only one who understands
Its okay to not have a plan
Its enough to simply be a man

I've never wanted
Something more
Don't hide the flaws
That I adore
No need to try
And fit a mold
These are more than just
Some words I've told

And I know that
You're very smart
But you embrace the brain
And hide from heart
I've hurt you, and you've hurt me back
For egos sake and what we lack

We can't take back all the mistakes
But Amy said
Its where you're at, not where you've been
And Its okay to let it come
And I could tell that you just wanted someone

So let me in you're the only one who can
I may be the only one who understands
Its okay to not have a plan
Its enough to simply be a man

I don't want to run your life
Or even be your wife
As much as I just want you to know
That I empathize
Its intimidating when something feels so good
Scared it isn't healthy or that you neglect the things you should
But you can't deny
And I would never lie

So let me in you're the only one who can
I may be the only one who understands
Its okay to not have a plan
Its enough to simply be a man

Its okay to let it come
I could tell that you just wanted someone
Its okay to let it come
I could tell that you just wanted someone

family friends since we were small
tracing grout in linoleum floors
I watched your dad pull those tapes out
he drew his weapon you drew yores

I can't be mad I say to this day
generations cursed
my first boyfriend shook his head
"I thought I was your first?"

there was a lump in my throat
and I thought back to that game
little frog ran over by the cars
you taught me how to skip through lanes

first friend that I ever had
I still think that you knew better
simply "child's innocence"
crayon written apology letter

floral pattern sheets
I was a flower at full bloom
until you flung me on that bed
I wilted in that room

you told me sometimes that it hurts
but it'll be super quick
that I cannot say anything
people will think I'm sick

It all goes black soon after that
red stain, metal taste, a puncture
Did the right thing after the fact
though frozen like a sculpture

you went on and on again
and never really paid
those girls carried it with them
through 1st and 2nd grade

and now I am a grown up
with something in me hollow
a little froggy in my throat that I still cant seem to swallow

I told myself I'd get better
through hell or through high water
but then felt you pluck more petals
when I heard you had a daughter

There's too much of me
So I slice into parts
Don't know who I am
Who I was
Where to start
My fingertips stained
a raspberry color
Let's cut off another
Another
Another
My softness dismantled
Set the mood
light some candles
This hole inside grows
So I must learn to handle
Those times where my head was held under water
Men dont give a **** if "that's somebodys daughter"
When all that you've taught me is I should be better
I think of my past self and send em a letter
The version of me that was put under ground
Carving into myself cause I cant speak out loud
Skipping breakfast and dinner or stuffing our faces
For some sense of control
To hope it erases
The feeling inside
that all that you can be
Is how flesh meat and bone
Hangs off of your body
When your own heart could stop
From barely a flutter
Flesh of the womb
Laying wet in the gutter
Taking what's ours
They go on with their lives
Resorted to tonics and herbs
Backyards and midwives
He said it's not that bad
you ******* faker
Beat in her face
Just to text her phone later
All my exes are crazy
I just wanted to bang her
Cut her down from the rafters
when you know what hanged her
It's funny it's sad
at the end of the day
We're in hell together
Across hot coals we lay
Dress your own wounds
Don't bend over for them
Instead let's
Redacted
Redacted
Redacted

My doctor says that I'm too fat
He never stops his barking
He may be right at the end of the day
But despite it all I'm starving

I have a hole inside me
I used to quell with spirits
I stopped but they still haunt me
They'll **** me, so I fear it

******* used to cure this all
but no one could keep up
then one day I felt all yucky
abandoned all pursuits of "love"

I had a year way back when
Where all I did was party
I stuck weird things up my nose
But I ran out of money

When I was a teenager
my dad called me a *****
I got upset and cut myself
but quickly I grew bored

I drove fast around tight corners
to feel the breeze on warm damp nights
but today behind a wheel
I feel paralyzed

My doctor says to stab myself
so I don't eat too much
maybe if I'm smaller
I won't cringe when I am touched

But even as I sit here
and to food I feel averse
I know deep down inside myself
I'll always have this curse

I wonder what I'll crave now
these meds they make me sick
maybe just attention
will be how I get my kicks

I was once the right shape
it wasn't long ago
and even then I noticed
how people come and go

Will I ever feel full
to the wind I'm *******
I take up all this space
and still there's something missing

I guess it is a comfort
where I'm supposed to be
I always wanted a forever
and the pain it follows me
If I can't have it one way
I can always have another
And I can share with others
And be sure to pull them under

Making sure they're next to me
Whether physical or memory
I am not too good to beg
for accessory

As I live and breathe
I wear it all upon my sleeve
I put my insides on display
slice and cut and cleave
My very own defense
against my emptiness
I'm broken but I'm open
and full of tenderness

I just entertained a fantasy
and set that thing on repeat
My eyes started to water
at all the things you said to me
I fed you all your lines
and gave you cues and clues
only for it all to leave me lost and so confused
I rip out all the pages
from that day and back
so I don't have to focus
on everything I lacked

Making sure they're next to me
Whether physical or memory
I am not too good to beg
for accessory

As I live and breathe
I wear it all upon my sleeve
I put my insides on display
slice and cut and cleave
My very own defense
against my emptiness
I'm broken but I'm open
and full of tenderness

I hope you believe me but I have nothing to prove
I hope you are certain in your next move
I hope that I feel so good to you
I hope that I feel so good to you

Making sure they're next to me
Whether physical or memory
I am not too good to beg
for accessory

As I live and breathe
I wear it all upon my sleeve
I put my insides on display
slice and cut and cleave
My very own defense
against my emptiness
I'm broken but I'm open
and full of tenderness

I hope you believe me but I have nothing to prove
I hope you are certain in your next move
I hope that I feel so good to you
I hope that I feel so good to you
Do I feel good too?
Do I feel good too?
Do I feel good too?

I am woman
But I am not
Where there should be flower
there's **** and rot
I should be girl
So that you can nut
I should serve you ***** but never ****
I should be smaller
I shouldn't be louder
I should nibble and never devour
I should be young
I should do that forever
I should be stupid so you can be clever
I should *******
But I should be pure
I shouldn't **** him though
that makes me a *****
I should be bald from the neck down
I shouldn't call you when I break down
I should be nice
I should be meek
I shouldn't cry and I shouldn't leak
I shouldn't scream
I shouldn't hiss
I should not explain why I still flinch
I should whisper
I shouldn't joke
Like every girl I should like being choked
I should be by design
I should be like a doll
I should know how to curl up in a ball

You're always asking me if I'm okay
And I always keep my answers vague
two thumbs way up, I hide my face
eyes cemented shut, just another day

stumble down the stairway
eating out gourmet
don't need a lifejacket in a sea of cabernet,
(You okay?, Hey Rach?)
been a few days since I've had a taste
indentations in the blankets traced

so I sit around, I don't mind the wait
daydream until I leave this place
Always chasing sensations and feelings
sedation isn't quite the same as healing
so I head to the gas station freewheeling
fading and melting into silent sightseeing

You're so special, a wild flame meeting petrol
you don't love me, you love everyone
I'm accidental, not fundamental
so I watch it burn until it's overdone

You're explosive, and I'm corrosive
we probably shouldn't do this
but when has anything interesting
happened from doing what we should've

Skip through the lushest meadow
hope and pray I don't get stung
I tiptoe, I tiptoe
I'm afraid of bees and bugs

Everyone says what's the rush
and they say what's the use
and I'm so tired so very tired
baby, you need to choose
I can't do this anymore
I just need to know
We fight, we laugh, we click, we clash
should I stay or should I go?

and every time I find myself
wanting to pull back
you smile just a bit
give me a heart attack
I feel like a fool
to hang on every word
to be wanting to believe you
ignoring what I've heard

Am I stupid?
Should I do this?
Am I foolish?
This is useless

It wasn't so long ago
my head was ******* on straight
did not believe in fate
or waste time on boring dates
Ignoring matters off the heart
remaining cold and callous
til you grabbed my hand while I could barely stand
and led me to the madness

and every time I find myself
wanting to pull back
you smile just a bit
give me a heart attack
I feel like a fool
to be hanging on every word
to be wanting to believe you
ignoring what I've heard

Am I stupid?
Should I do this?
Am I foolish?
This is useless

And it's a scary thing 'cause
I wanna meet your parents
God I love you so much
is it gross to use your toothbrush?
I guess this is what it is
I cannot pull away
at least I am a *******
and thriving in the pain
I feel so very little
so small and microscopic
but when it comes right down to it
I know I could never stop it

and every time I find myself
wanting to pull back
you smile just a bit
give me a heart attack
I feel like a fool
to be hanging on every word
to be wanting to believe you
ignoring what I've heard

Am I stupid?
Should I do this?
Am I foolish?
This is useless

Got a word stuck behind your tongue
a sentence chippin' at your tooth
and I'm sitting here wonderin' what you have to lose

we're suffocating on
fruition stuck to pause
jaw grittin', head-splitting, complicating it until we rot

I wonder where you're at
perhaps you wonder too
I've learned the hard way that what ya say isn't always true

so suffocate me good
stuff it under things you should
and I'll be here
mere sightseer
collecting glass and driftwood

the ocean swells inside
a storm you cannot hide
we stand at command
desperate to find our pride

is it so crucial?
to feel important and useful?
what makes you tick? what makes you sick?
Does it matter if we remain truthful?

There is loss and gain
my indulgence abstained
I hope you look at me
and finally come to see
I'm more than flesh and vein

There's some protection in my reflection
A relief that I never mention
A disturbing sense of reality
Free from my ****** up mentality
Shows me I still exist on the outside
Without a rabbit hole to duck in and hide inside
Now I finally know I'm real
Is this the way I'm supposed to feel?

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant
Check my face in the pocket mirror
Does my hair look okay is my make up smeared?
I gotta make a good first impression
I try to be my own version of perfection
I'm tripping over my 2 left feet
To be each different person they all want me to be
If someone doesn't like you it really sticks
If you're unremarkable, do you even exist?

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant
Before you know it you're faced with your mistake
How many more times is it gonna take?
Some bruises just never heal
But a smile can always hide what you really feel
There's nothing left inside of me to break
But if you really try you get used to the ache
There's only 3 things on earth you cannot measure
Pleasure, pain, and forever.

Admiration turns to validation
Then degradation and humiliation
Always start off so happy that you love me
Time goes by and everything gets ugly
I guess that's what hurts the most
You can never ever ever let them get close
Keep em arms length they'll adore you from a distance
Let them in and they'll hurt you in an instant.

I can just picture it
Your super close to finishin
Nutting into ***** socks
Tugging at your wimpy ****
I know that you think of me
To an unhealthy degree
Writing all those angry songs
A loser limpdick sing-a-long
I can't seem to blame you much
I have that effect on all I touch
You didnt deserve it though
So now you get to watch me go
While I upgrade to bigger **** and you get to imagine it
I'm smiling up at someone else
While you sit at home and touch yourself
So obsessed with my life
You're a cuck without the wife
I guess you couldnt handle me
We're from a different pedigree
No longer on that failure ****
Or living in a trailer ****
Crybaby **** don't work no more
So stomp your feet across the floor
All the way to mommies room
But she don't love you either dude!
Man you cant seem to catch a break
My ******* were all a fake
But if you need a diagram
You know where the **** I am
I'm out here focused on myself
While you threaten to **** yourself
I bleed success and excellence
I am too good for this all this mess
Remember who the **** I am
When I destroy you on the stand
You say you used to be abused?
What a ***** boy *** excuse
I am not your baby girl
I'm rocking someone else's world
So take some notes and highlight bits
It says right here that you ain't ****

Maybe we were drawn together
at fragile time
We saw too much
and accepted this as a paradigm

It makes me sick
what made you tick
was justifying lies
Standing proud
your tiny shroud
your pedestal of grime

And then I broke
you made me choke
on all our little pieces
I spit and sputtered everywhere
watched them float into the creases

Meanwhile my masterpiece was
painting pretty pictures of us
Displaying them
relaying them
in all 4 different seasons

I showed them off to others
exhausted to the core
While I scoured
for our precious tiny pieces on the floor

You stood above me smirking
taller than the sky
You knew I'd never find them
you knew that I'd just cry

One day I just stopped looking
and now I know thats good
Now I draw the line
between I can
and when I should

No longer am I hunched and crunched
on my knees and on my hands
Searching through the carpet fibers
through the dirt
and through the sand

But there's something that I never knew
When I finally said enough
When I held my head up high
And decided to be tough

They said that you would lie to me
And promise to be better
They said that you would write to me
apologies and letters

They said all sorts of tiring things
That I one day saw as true
I didn't want to see it
That the monster was just you

They said that I'd be better off
Once I finally leave
But they never told me years from now
I'd still be missing parts of me

Nobody's felt a heartache like mine
Tinged with bruises and dollar store wine
Tell me, who are you to stand judgement of me?
When I'm just trying to feel...
anything
Every single time I've felt a spark
I'm left with a wet match by myself in the dark
Could it be us, could it be you and I?
Or will I be left the highest of dry
I am the lovesick girl
No amount of rubies or diamonds or pearls
Can mend such an aching so deeply inside
To which no one can run and hide
You'll never know just how far I'd go
To make you the happiest you've ever known
And yet somehow it's just never enough
And yet somehow it's just never been this tough
And I'm begging you please
To show me some sensitivity
(Just one time before you leave)
I am a woman
And you are a man
They don't write instructions
There's no label on a can
Nothing tangible, nothing you can read
Its inside you and inside of me
So I'll keep on crying at night
And dreaming that someday I'll catch your eye
Until then you know where I am
An innocent one night stand
So there you go
I've beared every inch of my soul
Is it you'd just rather at this point be alone?
Just know you dont have to be
That I'll always be waiting
And I'll never ask you to change, meet requirements or rearrange
Because in order to set my heart aflame
You must stay the same the same the same

Regrets bounce around back and forth inside my mind
like a game of pong
a purgatory
making me cockeyed
I try to explain that I have nowhere left to hide
Every emotion
sensation
obsession
amplified
Maybe when I was young I needed something you couldn't provide
Maybe my little apple slices were covered in pesticide
Speculation of course
it can't be simplified
A combination of factors that together fortified
An illness
A flaw inside of me
so vicious
My intentions in the right place but my actions turned malicious
We tried to fight back with multiple prescriptions
I popped 6 or 7 without reading the description
You'll have to excuse me and my self fulfilling prophecy
I catch myself getting bad again constantly
It's not done consciously
And then yall get gossipy
about my lack of modesty
All that **** you're spewing you should invest in a colostomy
I don't know who I am without the drama
Without the trauma
Without the late night calls crying for my mama
I try to listen but its like I'm rotten to the core
I tried to stop it all that day but they broke down the bathroom door
Asphyxiation
And another state petition
Humiliation
At my failed suicide mission
I figured I'd grin and bear it
Act recovery driven
My insurance will boot me either way in 5-7
Why are you so angry?
What is at the source?
Can you pinpoint it?
Do you think it's run its course?
Don't you ever get tired?
Of being so dramatic
Everyone has problems
Some cobwebs in their attic
Yeah I do get tired
I'm exhausted actually
Of constantly being at different extremes mentally
Polar opposites
I wish I could be competent
I would trade my mania to truly be self confident
Nature versus nurture
A classic debate
Which one is more at fault for causing those to deviate?
A long line of addiction
Or abusive tendencies
Is it genetics?
Or painful first memories?
You wonder why I go for guys that hurt me in the end
When I get down about myself it's your voice inside my head
I've done some things in my life that keep me up at night
I've been so afraid of failing that for years I never tried
From an early age I just wanted to be loved
To be held, to be kissed, to be cradled, to be hugged
Instead I got tossed around and used like a rag-doll
When someone treats me good
I'm at a loss of how to handle
Sweeter than honey and it keeps my ego fed
But I repeat bad habits and cycles instead
I've been here before and man isn't it funny
How desperate I am for you to ******* love me
It serves to ask questions and poke at insecurities
I put my all into serving others and its so ******* embarrassing
I'd do anything and perhaps it is my downfall
But I didn't anticipate such a quick and subtle curveball
It's pathetic call the medic
Sedate me
anesthetic
Put the drugs on credit
I just want to forget it
All the way
but I guess I'm here to stay
Cant even **** myself right
Jesus christ, what a cliche
It's a new day
gotta fight through the pain
It's okay
its okay
it's okay
it's okay
I got these regrets
like I said
and I'm sailing off course
I'm nothing but the walking dead
but I try to consider the source
I repeat things and stumble
all on autopilot
I'm hardwired to **** up
and I'm done trying to hide it
a moment of silence
for all that couldn't have been
a lust for violence
and an appetite for bloodshed
beg for an abrasion
and physical injury
contusions
gashes
lacerations
dulls what's happening in me
all these different methods
to avoid my introspection
******* myself up
relieves the constant tension
acting up and acting out
gets me the attention
and impulsive actions keep all around me guessin'
Now, tell me, is that what you expected?

When these words turn to songs and symphonies
and you're just a mental stain
you'll regret the way you treated me
and all the things you've said
I'm destined to do it big
and even if I don't
I deserve better and I'll get it, cutthroat

do you see it in me?
I don't care if you do
I've wasted so many days
wondering about you

so I'll close my laptop shut
and hustle through the night
I never believed in me
I never felt quite right

but the pain can be channeled in ways you don't realize
and the gain through it all will be my pretty prize

Let it flow, direct it, connect it, project it
don't let anyone else's opinion affect it
you're perfect, you're worth it, rebirth it
trade nothing on this planet earth for it
and then give it all back to the world, return it
got a bad thought? do what you can to deter it

You're meant for more than you're willing to tell
make sure you take care of yourself
only shower in hot water and affection
stop hanging yourself
on unreturned attention
if you're unsure about someone
focus on you for awhile
and when you're feeling at your lowest
force a brilliant smile
it will get better
as long as you leave bed
emotionally dead
but steady getting ahead

I don't have time for petty pursuits
And you've taught me that most people don't tell the truth
so my course of action
is the opposite of you

I'm so done with praising others
raising them above
with my love
a surrogate mother
the umbilical cord rots
knots block off outside approval
I've got the tools of the trade
for an at home removal

I feel our arms they're intertwining
inosculation through the years
I want your heart to beat erosion
armored from my salt and tears
They say its all apart of process
we all have to pay our dues
I was scraping off the mosses
and broke off some bits of you

here it comes
I hide it all
for another day
scratch and scrawl
crumpled paper *****
just thrown and tossed away
I'm so small
but I have time
so much more to gain
I may fall
but know my call
the one and only protégé

tear the heart off of my sleeve
tissue deep under your nail
you snatched it up, scratched it
threw it down, and watched it flail
desperate chambers
pumping restless but alas to no avail
my breast is empty, yet its tempting
my innards set to sail

here it comes
I hide it all
for another day
scratch and scrawl
crumpled paper *****
just thrown and tossed away
I'm so small
but I have time
so much more to gain
I may fall
but know my call
the one and only protégé

are you hollow are you gasping?
are you just like me?
a beached whale thrashing
rolling 'round in debris
no you are different
a tiny treasure I adore
perfect pearl shining big and bright
washed right next to me ashore
how rare it is to find such a tool amongst the trash
but was this jewel made of parasite or lonely grain of sand?

here it comes
I hide it all
another day
scratch and scrawl
crumpled paper *****
just thrown away
I'm so small
but I still have time
so much to gain
know my call
the one and only protégé

Lets go for a walk now
You'll find subtle changes
The grass a little longer
A chair in the trash
You'll see as you go further
Emmersed in all the stages
You won't even notice
All you've left back
Everythings different
Yet stays the same
You'll search for answers again and again
And if you're lucky you'll find some warmth
Someone to hold you through floods and through storms
Outside there's a blanket
A canopy of stars
I tried to show you which one is mars
Sometimes it feels like were already there
The only people for miles living life without care
Everythings different
Yet stays the same
You'll search for answers again and again
And if you're lucky you'll find some warmth
Someone to hold you through floods and through storms
Everything is quiet
Except for the echo
The uncertainty of what you should let go
I will not cry no I've realized
Good times never die
Good times never die
Everythings different
Yet stays the same
You'll search for answers again and again
And if you're lucky you'll find some warmth
Someone to hold you through floods and through storms

Some days it's going to hurt
Its going to feel like my body is a stiff, unforgiving cocoon
And my vibrant colors are trapped deep inside and aching
Some days my bed feels like a cage of comfort
Self soothing but at the cost of others
I **** on a pacifier at night sometimes
Dipped in honey
So I can just barely connect with my cousins
Maybe tomorrow I'll fly with them

Sometimes I get real sad
That I don't have hard edges, and defining lines
I have dimples and ripples
Covered in marks and scars and hair
Take refuge in a branch that appreciates me
Enveloped from the sun
Barely audible whispers through growing tangling veins
Saying I'm enough
But others think I haven't hatched yet
That I have work to do
A droplet catches
I'm sensitive

Sometimes I understand it deeply
as deep as I'm inside myself
Other days I fantasize about breaking out
Vibrantly, with elegance
But at the end of the day
Beauty, and what that means
Isn't exclusively me
or you
There's no right way
Or wrong
I'm not a project
Or an unfinished song
At the end of the day
Its every single piece

And when it comes to yours, someone sees

You're the thorn in my side
The smoke in my eye
You clipped both my wings
To be sure I won't fly
I hope it makes you happy
I truthfully do
To pick on those that are smaller than you

I'll be okay I'll be alright
I hope when you self reflect
You see that look in my eyes
When you kicked sand in my face
And pressed my head in the dirt
Alone in that sad empty place
How's it feel to hurt?

They say it comes back to you
They say its in 3's
If thats true
I'll be the queen
And you'll be begging on your knees
What's that? I can't hear you
Because you never heard me

The echo chamber of what we were supposed to be
So ******* physically
emotionally
mentally
Now I'm the one who's cold cruel and callous
coincidentally
Because I rose from the ashes of what I once was
And I did it without using others. Not once.

Self destructive, the way I always lived
can't take care of myself
I need somebody else
I'm not proud of the things I've done
I get drunk and I get stuck on having fun
its a curse and I'm sure I do it all
to avoid all the noise and how much I fall

but you believe in me
and its not at all hard to see
you are something else
you help me build a better version of myself
baby you made me, baby you saved me
I appreciate you, and all the little things you make sure I do
have no idea what you saw in me
you help me see who I'm meant to be
so I'll roll the dice, put my drink on ice
pretend I'm not a wreck
I get myself together, I'm not out of the game yet

Here we are it's pouring rain
I wait with baited breath
And fight the urge to choreograph
my delightful dance of death
hesitant to play again
because I always lose
but I cannot say no to you
so tell me, what's the use?

but you believe in me
and its not at all hard to see
you are something else
you help me build a better version of myself
baby you made me, baby you saved me
I appreciate you, and all the little things you make sure I do
have no idea what you saw in me
you help me see who I'm meant to be
so I'll roll the dice, put my drink on ice
pretend I'm not a wreck
I get myself together, I'm not out of the game yet

tell me, are you a gamblin' man?
or prudent with your bets
do you crown the middle ground
repay all your debts
maybe we could take the risk
50/50 go all in
because all I've ever wanted
is to someday, finally win

but you believe in me
and its not at all hard to see
you are something else
you help me build a better version of myself
baby you made me, baby you saved me
I appreciate you, and all the little things you make sure I do
have no idea what you saw in me
you help me see who I'm meant to be
so I'll roll the dice, put my drink on ice
pretend I'm not a wreck
I get myself together, I'm not out of the game yet

A heart so plagued and finally pacified
Some time has passed and I still can't look you in the eye
I search for hints of you in everyone I meet
but the conclusion that I'm left with is you can't be beat

Something about you can't seem to be topped
rationality screams desperately for me to stop
but for once the good seems to outweigh the bad
It's not typical for a girl like me to not be sad

and I find myself drowning in the undertow
I soothe my shakes and tremors thanks to Marlboro
I've been burned so much before that I come to expect it
my self-worth is crumpled where I left it

A hurt so hollow, rejection swallowed to my gut
Fading footprints I find and follow left right back and front
You may leave, but you always make your way back
In ways you don't even know that you have

Sleep disturbed, the darkest nightmares haunting me
I wake up gasping but you're still right here next to me
perhaps all of it is just irrational
but my track record is nothing short of laughable

So I refuse to let down my guard, stubbornly
read between the lines, and coax my heart, lovingly
I may not say it near as much as I should
but if I could open up all the way I would

A conversation had about intention
Will you be something lasting or a lesson?
I can't seem to find it in me to ask that question
for what its worth, I consider it a blessing

the sheets
they're ***** once again
I dreamed that we were beachbound
laying strewn across the sand
fingers twisted lazily
I'm in heaven, hand-in-hand
I know you read my words sometimes
and maybe even blush
I know that vagueness is preferred
keeping it hush hush

but I'm not one to apperceive
I wear it all upon sleeve
overwhelming
always swelling
mimicking expanse of sea
you just get me
so please don't be afraid
I'll teach you how to swim
let the wave carry your weight
whisking us away
to finally escape

we could rule over Atlantis
or settle somewhere modest
I'm a novice in all this but I'll be nothing but honest
You called me your Goddess
And you made me a promise
basking in the hot sun of august
sipping gin and tonics

but I'm not one to apperceive
I wear it all upon sleeve
overwhelming
always swelling
mimicking expanse of sea
you just get me
so please don't be afraid
I'll teach you how to swim
let the wave carry your weight
whisking us away
to finally escape

Shiver cold, where has my home gone
structure isn’t made of brick or boulder
its collar bone, bathed in blue light from your phone
tip of the roof, your neck and shoulder

I shouldn’t dare, without a care is where I tend to do the most of my damage
You learn to share, and separate the pair, they send you off hoping that you can manage

Flesh and bone and heart and ache
in it in the end for what we take
optic tract symmetry
all we really want is everything

We learn what we see and we don’t say what we mean
What a world full of confusion
squeaky clean, you’ve never done a thing
Until it all comes down to the conclusion

So take it in, be sure you learn to swim
majority of us are drowning
so come inside, I’ll let you run and hide
And teach you all there is to know about me

Flesh and bone and heart and ache
in it in the end for what we take
optic tract symmetry
all we really want is everything

Admittedly,  

I thought commitment
would be nothing but a figment
but instead of growing distant
I analyzed each pigment

holding onto hips
as well as every instance
biting lips at the thought of fingertips
heart eclipses

juxtapose
wrapped under the blanket from nose to toes
apposing clothes
disrobing
no need for them here I suppose
Crowned Bell of the ball
without a dress or even lingerie
Found a menagerie of reasons
that I'm at last able to feel this way

it's faultless
these pictures that my mind take are defaulted
on my mind most of the time
every freeze-frame simply flawless
I swear I never saw this coming
whether inches away or miles apart
distance plays no role
when it comes to matters of the heart

At last
demolition of walls constructed from my past
recognition of it all
wrapped and bandaged up my callused hands
Created by delusions
no tools of the trade
Put up an illusion
mercury in retrograde

I was afraid of moving backwards
but it’s simply not the truth
standing still upon my axis
time just stops when I’m with you
Never felt so blessed in deliquesce
I’m melting where I stand
watch chaotic messes decompress
each time I take your hand

locks tangled
curls are mangled
climbing
intertwined
can’t make out where yours begin
or which are even mine

I’m lost in it
the thought of it is nothing short of bliss
not even scorpius’ bright collection
could shine as bright as this

Lull to sleep in seconds
breathless
before it took me hours
I tried every single method
excepting magic powers
magician you must be
tricks that mesmerize
I’ll be your assistant
if it means I’m by your side

I've lived my life in stages
Searched the spaces between stars
Ripped out pages that I hated
I haven't gotten very far
But when I feel ages have passed me on
When I lay my head down to cry
I think of how you came to me
Straight down from the sky
This is for you
I stand front and center
Cherish words that you learned
by phrase and by letter
And I promise my baby it all will get better
If we only try
I am only trying to get by

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do
But just know in the end, I do it for you
You saved me, ornately, a tiny cherub
The weight on your wings I was unaware of

I couldn't resist her
Her eyes reminded me of our past
she was soft and plush
but different and it was fast
You are everything
I want no more of that
It's not you
just a part of me that's bad
Why're you still upset?
you know you're heaven sent
But then again
what did you expect?
I could have folded
this entire deck
Things were difficult
things were bad and wrecked

after all is said and done, its fine
love is, after all, simply a frame of mind
love is at its best, out of sight out of mind

I couldn't resist him
his eyes were like a dream
words you said
bursting at the seams
You are everything and some
Yes, you are everything and more to come
And I know, that nothing could get between
my baggage so touch and go
maybe I don't wanna know
But then again
maybe it's for the best
better than I could ever guess
I treasure, my best and closest friend
I put my misery behind
although it hurts from time to time

after all is said and done its fine
love above all else, is kind
and I heard sometime long ago, that love is blind

Thank you to everyone who was receptive to my poetry.

I was going through a rough time and it was therapeutic, and your kindness meant a lot

I thought I'd update. I have turned a few of my writings into song form.

Copy the link below into your browser to go to my band page, if you'd like to listen :)

https://open.spotify.com/artist/5OYmH9C2DrXmnCtIu50B2Y?si=dCpOZkcLR5C2g229ELlNsA