What if
                 you spend your whole life
                                                            ­       in the dark, waiting for the traffic

lights to start

and when it finally does go green
                                                           ­ you stair at it helplessly
and whisper

''God, help me''

I eat until my chest hurts
ignoring the fact my acidic heart  
wills, calls, shouts for me to stop (hurting)
myself

For I know once the sweet oozing gold runs down my throat and
calms the feelings of an anxiety disorder,
it will quickly strike to a halt
and evaporates as quickly as it came
turning gold to rust;
and comfort pain.


It leaves me more bruised, battered and empty
(this is high class gluttony)

than when I cut my fingers from unwrapping the packaging.

yet

the void remains unfilled
and I'm no longer happy

©Rebekah Lazarus 2014

I've only been on this earth for 17 years
But already had the good honour of experiencing
evil and good from the youth of my peers

My precious vessel, you deserve nothing but the best
learn from my mistakes and make your life rest

One: The acne on your face does not determine how beautiful you as a person
Neither you're weight, height or stature. Your skin a shade of wonder, wear only the (dna) makeup of me and your father

Two: Your body is your temple, not a museum for those who want to feast on your flesh, for those dead eyes are shady and they want nothing less.

Three: Fall in love with everything around you, the stars, sky and moon. The sound of laughter, the rain drops too. Look from balconies and trees at the veins of the cities. And take pictures of people and weddings, savouring silver white memories.

Four: Make your own mistakes and learn. You are allowed to feel pain, there is still blood in you veins but don't let that sweep you away away away on dandelion heads

Five: Dearest, don't worry for a moment what they think; be prepared when they want to see you sink, respond with dimples, sunshine and light. For this is what makes the darkness strike

Six: Finally My girl love yourself, for all that you are and want to be; the music you love, the food you detest, those long family outings and that boy that you like best.

The list could go on and on with verse and song and book and word but Dear Daughter let this be the basis of your life. Carry it and write it on your flesh beating heart. For your flesh beating heart deserves life in it fullest.

©Rebekah Lazarus 2014

I am a grenade in his arms
burning, fire destructive
still He holds me

I am a lost stream of strange desires
of sin and sorrow and addiction
still, He is with me

I am a beast that no-one wants to love
a home built in caves of shadows and darkness
still He sees me

His love is an avalanche,
His forgiveness meant death,
His power is God.

Who is like you Jesus?

At night I feel alive
by day I feel death
is it because I have
a silver bullet in my chest?

Is it from the empty spaces of the bed
or the words you left ringing...

Or simply because I don't want you,
to see
the beast you've

made

of me

©Rebekah Lazarus 2014

Sara always thought love was a feeling
a tender warm wave of yearning
a cord between her and her lover
it was made of rubies, gold, and silver

She'd dance in the shower
at the thought of his arms around her.
She'd put their cord in her jewellery box,
the highest shelf. Watching it never wither

But

Sometime later, when the cracks began to show and the lines deepened in her skin

Sara saw her lovers eye's turn from morning to night,
she realised the bruises on her skin were from not peeling the potatoes right
The endless stream of tears that flowed from her eyes; pearls
Were produced by his screams and his might.

She lay uncomfortable in his rock hard arms
as she listened to a never ending song of 'I'm sorry, I love you''
he'd kiss her softly with blood cracked lips.
She new this was a love that wouldn't be missed

For her mother always said ''love is not just a feeling but adoration in action
Its kind, patient, loving, remember you are a blessing.''

For her heart was crazed from the mistakes he made
with a cynical mind-set that she was the bait

for the biggest action she could take
to show she was still capable of loving

was cut the cord, sell the gold and take her life back
to show she was still made of something.

©Rebekah Lazarus 2014

The past can make it so easy to relapse

not because of the past itself

but

running away from it

and burying it in the subconscious,

hiding it away and letting it silently

fest fest fest.

Is what causes you to be haunted.

---

Pain;

A raging sore, a deep wound, an eternal scar,

just wants to be felt; acknowledged.

So I try not, to ignore it

when I see the marks of the past; knives

digging into the valves of my heart; pain

even when it comes back

strong and hard and fighting

like a hurricane

carrying me away under water

suffocating the freedom in my punctured lungs

I will not let it destroy me.

—-

Its not because I am weak that I struggle with it

but the brain is strong; be aware...

For thoughts can make you a victim of your own mind

though I hope
there will be a time when

healing, that miraculous God-sent healing is at the end.

When

you stop ignoring the past

and instead start loving those broken pieces, the shame you felt,

the fear that crippled

and realise

it will soon ease, soon melt away, soon diminish

and you’ll remember

**pain has no authority to hurt