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Sep 17 · 342
Left behind
Cailey Weaver Sep 17
They'll tell you that you're selfish when you finally let them go
They'll guilt you and they'll shame you for not caring
When you take control of all the things that you already know
And let go of all the pain that you've been bearing

They will tremble in the shockwave that you leave them in your wake
As you put the days you wasted far behind you
They will tread above the water in a panic of self-hate
As they realize that there's nobody to run to

They didn't want you, but they did, when they thought you'd walk away
But reality had never crossed their mind
That maybe you are stronger than who you were yesterday
So you had to leave some clues for them to find

They'll scream at you and say that you are wrong to block them out
But the peace is almost deafening to hear
As they realize all the love that now they'll have to live without
They will try and stuff you full of all their fear

So now smile. Walk away until you can't hear anything
What they say is now no longer yours to hold
So go off, enjoy the light that only happiness can bring
And let all the things that you deserve unfold
Sep 3 · 335
Rainy Day (Let You Go)
Why can't I let you go
Even as it's killing me
I just want you to know
You're everything I'll ever need

Your voice is in my head
When it tells me I'm enough
It fights my battles for me
Even when I feel unloved

There's something in my brain
That I never will forget
I wish I could refrain
From feeling all of this regret

And you're the only one
I can't get out of my head
Your laughter and your smile
Are what get me out of bed

And every time you leave
My heart breaks and falls apart
And though I try and keep you out
It's really really hard

I know that you're not good for me
This sick and twisted game
But then my heart it skips a beat
Each time I hear your name

You leave and then you call me up
After I feel ok
And then you leave and save me for
Another rainy day
Oct 2020 · 162
Shine (the brightest)
Cailey Weaver Oct 2020
Maybe I cry too much, love too much, and feel too much
I’m sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable to talk to me
I can be too sensitive, I try, but I can never win
So sorry if my heart’s too big to fill the box you put me in

And I wish you could see all the love I have to give
Inside a brain that thinks so fast that it forgets that I am breathing…

And I know I shine the brightest when I haven’t got a clue
Of how whatever hell is wrong with me takes all the fun away from you
I know that I shine brighter when I cannot understand
How I can never fill the shoes you try to fit onto my hands

And I wish that you would take all the care I have to give
Inside someone who loves so much she forgets she should be eating…

Maybe I hurt too much, talk too much, and think too much
Perhaps that makes me less than worthy of the friendship that I need
I could call you up again, but maybe I’ll just let them in
The ones who treat me like I’m not a burden ladled onto them

The ones who hold me while I cry and think I deserve better
And ones who drive out to my house no matter what the weather
The day I let you go was when I knew that I was free
I knew I shined the brightest when I let you walk away from me
Aug 2020 · 1.3k
Where it really is
Cailey Weaver Aug 2020
Your worth is not in other people.

It is not when you look most beautiful, or in the thank yous disguised as apologies.

Your worth is in the days you pick up the pieces even as they slice your fingers.

It is tucked away in poems you'll never share because they are too painful, and smuggled past the battles you win benownst to none.

It's in the tiny victories, and the small moments that mean ever so much.

Your worth is in the size of your heart whether or not others can expand enough to contain it.

It exists in the tears you choose to give the world, for they are gifts of the care you hold within you.

Your worth is in the sparkle your eyes hold when nothing can stop you.  

It shines in your shamelessness and in your effervescence.

For nothing can take away your worth when you are priceless.
Jul 2020 · 295
You learn
Cailey Weaver Jul 2020
Learn to move on without an apology or an explanation.

Learn to let go without the closure that you deserve.

Keep your head high through the blows dealt by people who don't try to understand you.

Learn to be okay with people thinking badly of you.

Learn not to care what people say behind your back.

Understand your worth, regardless of those who take advantage of your kindness.

Learn to smile even when the tears are welling up.

Learn to respond with Grace, even if battles are raging around you.

Know who you really are, and be true to that no matter what.

Learn to be proud of your intentions, your values, and your feelings.

Learn that the future will always hold better things.

Know that good things will come if you put love out into the world.
Jul 2020 · 168
Eggshells
Cailey Weaver Jul 2020
If you live your life feeling like you're walking on eggshells and constantly questioning who really cares about you, there's a simple solution:

Instead of walking on eggshells, move them somewhere else.

Remove them from your life completely.

Stop caring about what people think, and start being who you are without being ashamed of that person.

Then, the people who accept you for that are the ones that you keep around.

I feel like life kind of got better when I stopped begging people to be there for me.

I had to start just letting the people who want to come as they please rather than constantly having to chase after them.

You should never have to fight to change someone's mind about you or have to give so much of yourself that you lose who you are in order to get people to like you or care.

That's just not how it's supposed to work.
Jul 2020 · 264
Waiting
Cailey Weaver Jul 2020
I miss you.
I miss the days of laughter.
I miss the years of history and inside jokes.
I miss the feeling of being known and understood.

I'm not sure where things went wrong.
I don't know the point where you shut me out or where you decided against having me in your life.
I'm not sure if it's temporary, or permenant.

However, I know that you'll always be remembered fondly in my heart.

You were my calm point in a sea of chaos.

However, water is constantly churning, moving, and changing. You'll never see the same wave twice. And while you may love a spot on a beach, you can't wait for the same molecules to return every time. That's just how it works.
Jun 2020 · 201
Time Warp
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
Coming out the other end of something has you feeling around to make sure you brought all your body parts through the portal with you.
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
I won't forget the day you told me you'd never leave this town.

Stuck in a bubble so small that you forget to look around and see the possibilities.

You left yourself behind while you were chasing so something better.

Never get in line to take another chance together.

Just stick with what you knew and another safe endeavor.

And I let you down....


Because I was meant for bigger things
More than just a diamond ring
And waking up beside you for another day of ordinary.

I was meant for something else
At least I had to save myself
From waking up beside you for another day of ordinary life...
A verse and the chorus of an in-progress song I'm working on.
Jun 2020 · 188
Basic Human Right
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
It's what you do when you care about someone.

You don't just sit back and watch and let them destroy themselves or be destroyed by someone else... You do something about it because you care and you love them.

And you know what? People might say that it's those reasons why they left my life. Maybe I do care too much. Maybe that drives people away, and maybe that means that I don't deserve to have people in my life that stick around and love me the same way...

I don't get the logic, but maybe that's just it. Maybe it's just the way the world works.

So, be mad at me.

Hate me.

Bad mouth me.

Do whatever you want.

Think whatever you want.

I've learned that there's nothing I can say and nothing that I can do to change anyone's mind about me, and I don't think I should ever have to.

Because I know that one day, or maybe never, I'll find people that truly know and understand me and care about me as much as I care about them.

I might never find that.

Heck, maybe no one ever does.

I'm just done fighting for a basic human right.
Jun 2020 · 195
Flickering Flame
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
The more you love

The more you grow

The more you care

The more you know

The more you give

The more returns

The more it hurts

The more it burns.
Jun 2020 · 145
And then he was.
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
First he was everything. The love of my life. My favorite person in the world.

Then he was the one that got away. He was a missing puzzle piece in my heart. A painful and unexpected wound that tore my soul to pieces.

Then he was an enemy. The villain of my story. Stuck forever in a place of anger and resentment.

Then he was less significant. A memory. Something to learn from. Some sort of lesson.

Then he was the past. Something that happened. Not as important as before. Someone I settled for. Something mediocre.

Then he was nothing. A stranger. Then he no longer held a piece of my heart.

And I think it's funny how it works like that.
How can someone so instrumental in your being become reduced to just about nothing over time?
Jun 2020 · 362
Rise
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
My skin gets thicker every time the world strikes me with a backhand blow.

My bones strengthen every time someone I love disappears without warning.

My heart beats more insistently at every attempt someone makes to tear it out.

My soul grows deeper with every ounce of pain that cycles through my being.

Every time the world tries to crush me to its core, I generate resilience. My mind becomes wiser. It takes a certain amount of pain to make a person better. For, in order to rise, you must first be knocked to the ground.
Jun 2020 · 722
Letting Go
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
I'm letting you go, now.

I wasn't sure where to start.

But it's time to move on,

So rest easy, my heart.
Jun 2020 · 412
Rainy Day
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
I took what you gave me and saved it for a rainy day.

I put it in my pocket, carrying it with me on the way.

I'd checked on it in the sunshine, smiling at its essence, knowing that a day would come when I would need it's presence.

But when that day came, a hole had worn my pocket through and through, until there was absolutely not a trace of what I had from you.
Jun 2020 · 264
"Friends"
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
All you "friends" of mine who can't "handle" my heartbreak?

Well, you can just go right and f*ck the hell off, because I'm only accepting applications for people who deserve me.

If you can't handle me when I'm broken and battered, you don't get to have me when I shine.
Jun 2020 · 359
I Remember
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
I remember the hugs you used to give me before I really knew you.

I remember feeling weirded out by you asking me out over instagram.

I remember the first time I stood close to you, thinking I felt something there.

I remember you saying hurtful things in the beginning.

I remember sitting in the back of my car, just talking until 1am.

I remember being unsure if I wanted to be with you at first.

I remember sitting on the floor of my dorm, and asking you to kiss me because you were too oblivious to do so.

I remember feeling rushed by your want for instant commitment.

I remember how much I wanted you, and how right it felt being with you.

I remember feeling weird about dating someone from work.

I remember the times you made me cry of happiness.

I remember being hesitant about going public about our relationship.

I remember times I was shocked at how intelligent you seemed.

I remember being frustrated at how stubborn you were sometimes.

I remember how happy it felt to be in the car with you.

I remember the times when you let me down or left me to my own devices when I was sad.

I remember how you made me feel like I was a kid again.

I remember the time I sat crying on the floor after you told me I'd have to give up passing my culture to my kids.

I remember wearing your jacket in North Carolina because it made me feel like you were there.

I remember talking to my guy friend on New Year's because you went to sleep and missed midnight.

I remember the smell of your laundry detergent and how it makes me smile even now.

I remember the times you said you weren't sure if you wanted me around.

I remember loving your family and wanting to be a part of it.

I remember your family kicking me out onto the street when I became an inconvenience.

I remember the times I just wanted to stare at your face because I couldn't believe I loved someone this much.

I remember wondering if you ever truly loved me.

I remember the things you did for me that made me feel loved and complete.

I remember the times when I felt like a burden to you.

I remember the times you were truly there when I needed you, even when it was inconvenient to you.

I remember the times when you weren't.

I remember the kisses you'd give before going to work in the morning.

I remember feeling lonely on the days I didn't hear from you.

I remember loving your flaws, because they were a part of you.

I remember telling myself that your behavior was ok because there was an explanation.

I don't want to remember the ugly. I know it was there. But I don't want to think of you that way. I want to think of you fast asleep on my chest after a long day.

I want to think of not being able to wake you up because you are such a heavy sleeper.

I want to think of you getting excited over snails.

I want to think of your kindness.

I want to think of your love.

But that is not all there was.

There was hurt. There was pain. And there were times I sacrificed who I was to be loved by you.

But I don't want to remember that. I want to remember the love.
No matter how much your heart will remind you of the good things, the not so good things are always hiding between the lines. The only way to move on is to remind yourself of the imperfection, and the times you hurt, because otherwise the good will keep hurting you forever. It's not the pain we get over when we move on, it's the love.
Jun 2020 · 327
Comfort
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
That deep sting that appears when hurt is all you feel and the people you seek comfort from can only say "enough already".
Jun 2020 · 305
You Were Here
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
You were here to teach me that I could be loved again.

You were here to teach me that sometimes the best things are the most fleeting.

You were here to teach me that it's okay to have faith even if you don't believe.

You were here to teach me that good days are possible.

You were here to teach me that while you weren't my forever, you were what I wanted my forever to feel like.

You were here to remind me that everyone is human, no matter how strong they seem.

You were here to teach me that it is possible for someone to give as much as I do.

You were here to teach me that I could love fully and completely.

You were here to teach me what true happiness felt like.

You were here to teach me that not everything is what it seems.

You were here to teach me that just because someone stops loving me, doesn't mean I'm not worthy of it.

You were here to teach me that sometimes there is nothing I can do.

You were here to teach me to let go of the things I can't control.

You were here to teach me that it doesn't matter how much I love someone if they don't love me back.

You were here to teach me that I can love someone mentally different from myself.

You were here to teach me that communication only goes as far as the comprehender.

You were here to teach me that sometimes the biggest war is within oneself.

You were here to teach me that I can survive loss.

You were here to teach me that I'm much stronger than I thought I was.

You were here to teach me that no matter how angry I get, I can never let go of the love I received.

You were here to teach me that I don't hold a grudge when I truly love someone.

You were here to teach me that it's okay to let go, even when I don't want to.

You were here to teach me that there are beautiful people in the world that crack under pressure.

You were here to teach me that tears are just love falling away.

You were here to teach me that it's okay not to be okay, but that I will be.
Jun 2020 · 236
Ghosts
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
Haunting me when I'm weakest

You wrap my heart in icy tendrils

Waiting for me to break and succomb

Your grip is firm yet fleeting

Flighty as the wind direction

Invisible as the sky
Jun 2020 · 374
The road
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
Every day can't be a winner.
Sometimes the ice gets thinner,
and cracks beneath your feet before you can flee.

Sometimes life just gets harder,
so just run a little bit farther.
The road will end somewhere, I guarantee.
Part of a song I'm writing called "The Road"
Jun 2020 · 139
Bad
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
Bad
It's just not in me not to love. It's my greatest weakness. No matter how badly someone treats me, I'll always make excuses for them, because it's so hard to accept that some people are just... Bad.
No matter how hard I try....
Jun 2020 · 145
Thanks
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
Thank you for kicking me out so I could gain my independence.
Thank you for tearing me down so I could build myself back up.
Thank you for tossing me aside so I could find my own worth.
Thank you for discarding me so I could reignite my pride.
Thank you for letting me go so I could know I was never yours.
Thank you for hurting me so I could realize true happiness within.
Thank you for making my life harder so I could feel stronger than ever.
Thank you for the tears that washed clean my slate.
Thank you for challenging me so I could show myself my resilience.
Thank you for teaching me that you can't ever make someone love you when they don't.
Thank you for showing me that words really don't mean much.
Thank you for giving me pain so I could know who would really help me heal.
Thank you for exposing the ugliness in the world so I could find the beauty in it.
Thank you for freeing me so I can find my true self.
Thank you for releasing me from my own chains of love and care.
Thank you for not caring when I really needed you, for it made me put myself first for once.
Thank you for ignoring me so I could pour myself into my art.
Thank you for leaving me so I can start this chapter with an open heart.
Thank you for the hardship, it has made me better.
Jun 2020 · 125
The Past
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
I won't remember you like I'll remember him.
I'll remember he was there for me.
I'll remember that his love was true.

And although I thought you could be my forever, I don't think I'll really remember much of you.

You left me out to dry when life was damp and dark.
I loved you with everything I had.
But leaving me there to cry again.

I never thought that something so cold and so cruel, I just never thought something like that would come from you.
Jun 2020 · 269
Pain
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
Every day I feel the pain less.

The needles in my heart become fewer and farther between.

The joys of life dull the hurt you gave me.

Until I forget it was ever mine.
Jun 2020 · 171
That's What Happened
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
You treated me like I didn't matter. You made me feel like you couldn't care less that I was hurting inside. I felt so alone. I felt like I lost everything good in my life. I just never expected something like that from you of all people. Never expected such treatment from you. You were my forever.

Everything I did, everything I said, any action that could have come across as controlling was only done out of love. It was all done out of fear of losing you, which is what happened in the end. It came out of fear of being pushed out by your parents, which is how it felt from the beginning, which is what happened in the end. Any fear that I had was shown to be valid, because I didn't want to lose you, and that's what happened in the end.

You say I attacked you? You're right, I did. Because I felt cornered. I felt put in a box in the dark in the closet. I felt like I'd been tossed aside, somewhere close by so that you could just pick me up again one day when it was more convenient. Even after I apologized to you for the things that I did wrong. By that time, you already decided that I wasn't worth picking up again at all.

That's how I felt. And I know you may not want to hear it, and maybe you're justifying every single thing you did in your mind, and that's fine.

It's how it felt. That's how it felt to have my heart ripped out.
There's always two sides to every story. There's always two villains and two heroes. But sometimes it hurts more than it should because it feels like things wouldn't have happened the way they did if other things didn't happen in the first place. For a little while my poems will focus on this relationship that I had recently. It was a very beautiful thing and a very good thing in my life, but it ended in so much pain. So now I hope to turn the tears to art and write until I don't feel like I have to anymore.
Jun 2020 · 154
I Don't Know (A Heartbreak)
Cailey Weaver Jun 2020
I am trying to move on. I'm doing my best. I think I'm doing ok given the circumstances. But I just can't shake you the way you shook me. I just don't know how it's possible. How do you go from being someone's forever to.... Nothing? I just don't know. I can't do that. I keep rolling things over and over again in my head. Did you even love me in the first place? Was all that joy and happiness and love.... Was it all just one sided? I really don't know. I didn't think someone could fake that. But maybe you could. I don't know.

I keep hoping that one day I'll just wake up, look at my phone, and there will be a text from you. There you'll be, telling me how sorry you were for everything that happened and that you just needed to do what was best for both of us and separate the emotion away, and that you love me. I don't know. But to think that you stopped loving me, or that you never loved me in the first place... It's just unbearable. Because I could never do that. I can't.

I just can't shake you.

I just don't know when it became too much. I don't know the point where you just... Turned it off. Where it faded. It never faded for me. Not for one fraction of a second. Even at my angriest, at my most hurt, my most devastated, I just wanted your arms around me. I wanted your hands in my hair. I wanted to burrow into you like I always have. I wanted you to tell me that you'll never let me go. I wanted you to tell me that I'm your honey. That I'm something else. That I'm your forever. Because you were mine.

You were everything to me. You were the best thing in my life. My favorite person in the world. I would have given anything to you, done anything for you. You held my whole heart in your hands. It was yours. And I don't know when you decided to throw it away.

I just can't do the same with yours, although I'm not sure it was ever truly mine in the first place.

I just don't know.
What I would tell you if I could.
May 2020 · 123
Love
Cailey Weaver May 2020
My heart hurts a lot. It feels like it's been ripped out. And that's the funny thing: You give your heart so completely to a person, for those few moments of incredible happiness. And then it's just... Gone. And then the pain is back. You heal, and then you do it again and hope that the pain doesn't come, but it just always seems to.
I haven't been on in a while. It seems as though my life is going into another dark place. And in times of darkness like this, I tend to cope with writing and music. So I'll be returning to share my thoughts.
Jul 2017 · 311
Something
Cailey Weaver Jul 2017
Something is trying to claw its way out of my chest. White noise is buzzing in my ears. I’m not sure who is jabbing needles randomly into my body but all I know is it hurts like hell.
Something is squeezing in my head.
Something is screaming in my head.
Something is…
Something is…
Something is.
Where is that sound coming from? It’s like I’m trapped behind a curtain, able to see but unable to feel and unable to change what is happening around me. What is happening to me?
Why?
How?
Let me out!
Let me out.
Please…
Apr 2017 · 491
The Answer
Cailey Weaver Apr 2017
Back when that fence just seemed so tall
And life was just a game to play with no rules at all
Back when I didn’t know how to play guitar
And then my voice could only reach so far

And I
Couldn’t cry
Didn’t know how to say
Oh oh  and I
Closed my eyes
And waited for it to end

Asking: What is this pain?
What is this hurt?
Is there a way to put it in words?
How do I say
That I’m afraid
To let you go

How do I learn?
How do I lead?
Feels like everythings coming at me
How do I feel when all I wanna do is leave

And I’ll stay by your side
I’ll be there when you cry
And you’ll know that you wont have to do this alone

And I’ll wait through the night
And together we’ll fight
And you’ll know. And we’ll know the answer

For when you
Say goodbye
Just for now
Not for long
You’ll be back
Here to stay
And then we’ll
Face tomorrow

What is this sting?
What is this blow?
Put on a smile and no one will know
We will survive
We’ll live to see tomorrow

Fight through the pain
For when it is gone
Life will still be there for you to lean on
Together we stand
And leave behind our sorrow

And one day you’ll know
And one day you’ll see
And one day you’ll look at me and know
The answer
Mar 2017 · 236
Flip Side
Cailey Weaver Mar 2017
Numbed.

Yet, feeling.

Deadened.

Yet, living.

Forgetting.

Yet, remembering.

Loving.

Yet, hating.

Saddened.  

Yet, smiling.

Missing.

Yet, satisfied.  

Lamenting.

Yet, appreciating.

Cinching.

Yet, releasing.

Holding on.

Letting go.

Always here.

Forever disappearing.

Fighting to be lost.

Daring to be found.

On the flip side of every page.
Mar 2017 · 268
The worst.
Cailey Weaver Mar 2017
Its the worst feeling in the world; knowing that you loved someone who drove you to near madness.
Someone who chipped away at your sanity; bruised you, twisted you mentally, damaged you in irreparable ways.
Every day you try to heal, forget, but there is a hollow part inside of you that will never be the same again.
It's the worst feeling in the world to be crushed by someone you love, even when you knew that loving them wasn't in your own best interest.
You knew that something was off.
You knew you should have run; gone far away from the toxic vapor released by the relationship.
It was a chain reaction; each product driving you even further into madness.
They manipulated you.
Lied to you.
Faked their affections.
Tried to use you.
You let them. Just a little.
But you caught yourself just in time.
You saved yourself.
You escaped.
Even when they played you right until the very end.
You like who you are in the aftermath.
You relish the strength you feel being free from his clutches.
You adore knowing that you outsmarted even the worst of the narcissists.
But the paranoia remains.
It finds you.
In the night; in the day.
Around every corner.
But you will be free.
You will be okay.
It was the worst feeling in the world.
But it's over.
You survived.
They may have tried to crush you, but you remain whole even still.
In the end, they did not win.
They never will.
Perhaps you may feel damaged, but you will rebuild.
And you will learn.
Mar 2017 · 483
Insomniac
Cailey Weaver Mar 2017
What's insomnia like?

It's when your body and mind are drained and exhausted, but something inside your head refuses to quiet down.
Its like there's a special compartment of thoughts that only opens when it's time for bed.
A unique box filled with the things you're afraid to address during the day.
The things that chase you.
Haunt you.
Bug you.

The things you'll probably never forget.
Moments permanently ingrained in memory.
Good.
Bad.
Damaging.

Things you regret.
And things you never will.

Something.
Nothing.
Everything.

They cower in the light
And return in the night.
Never leaving
Never resting.

Chasing you to the day.
Chasing all your dreams away.
Wide eyed
Vulnerable.

****** into darkness
A restless trance
Of never ending thoughts
A maddening dance.

What is insomnia?

It is madness.
Ectacy.
Horror.
Trance.
A lost abyss of endless thoughts.
The ones that never leave you.
The ones you'll never release.
Trapped inside for eternal night.
Mar 2017 · 213
Always Win
Cailey Weaver Mar 2017
Left alone,
I will sing.
Abandoned,
I will dream.
Unloved,
I will care.
Hated,
I will love.

Loved,
I'll love harder.
Held,
I'll hold tighter.
Found,
I'll be a companion
Collected,
I will be content.
Mar 2017 · 1.7k
Battles (10w)
Cailey Weaver Mar 2017
Never fight the battles
that come from
deep
within
yourself.
Mar 2017 · 299
Found
Cailey Weaver Mar 2017
It's only when you lose yourself,
Question yourself,
Fight yourself,
That you truly understand yourself.
For deep inside,
Despite what you may feel,
You know who you are,
And you love that person.
For they are caring.
They are damaged.
They may be lost,
But they love.
They feel.
And they are good.
Mar 2017 · 873
The Gollum
Cailey Weaver Mar 2017
With his eloquent tongue,
Quick wit,
And grinning eyes.
He made us love him.
He made us feel loved.
If only for a moment.
Then it got ugly.
Suddenly there were questions.
Fighting amongst ourselves.
Betraying one another.
Never trusting.
No one.
Not even ourselves.
He made us weak.
Afraid.
Spiteful.
He turned us into something we're not.
He played us all.
He crushed us.
Or tried to.
Without a thought.
Without a care.
With his crippled black soul,
Deadened eyes,
And withered self.
Hidden behind a handsome mask,
A gentle hand,
His lies.
His fear drove him.
His fear of being realized.
His fear of being alone,
And others seeing him,
As he really is.
For he is dark,
He is apathetic,
He doesn't feel what others feel.
He cannot feel remorse,
Except for in fear of himself.
For he only cares for himself.  
He claims he doesn't care.
He claims to be free.
Free of restraints.
Free of emotion.
Free of love.
But for what he claims is free,
Is imprisoned in fear.
For he is a coward.
Terribly frightened.
Afraid of others.
What they might say.
What they might think.
But mainly he is afraid of himself.
For he knows his noxious soul,
Will one day find him.
Abandoned.
Exposed.
The day he knows he is unloved.
The day he knows he is alone.
Alone with no one but himself.
The one he fears the most.
He will weep.
For nothing is stronger.
Nor more horrifying.
Than facing one's greatest fear.
To open one's eyes.
To face all alone.
The one you despise the most.
To see in the mirror,
The demon you've become,
As no fear is stronger,
Than that of oneself.
Feb 2017 · 484
It's hard.
Cailey Weaver Feb 2017
Sometimes you get depressed and its hard to admit you need a helping hand.
Sometimes you just need someone to push past your wall and let you know that they're there and that they care and that they understand or at least want to try to.
Because you can't get it all out yourself.
That's what depression is like.
And its **** hard.
Jul 2016 · 335
The Sea.
Cailey Weaver Jul 2016
I feel as though I'm swimming in an ocean of despair.
Slowly losing my mind to those who have long since lost theirs.
I do not want to think about what darkness lurks abound.
For everywhere I turn it seems that hatred can be found.
And thus exists an endless cycle: anger, fear, and hate.
While love is left abandoned with a thirst it cannot sate.
And lost amongst destruction that, alone, we cannot halt.
Stricken by the idea that this cannot be our fault.
And so we pray and mourn the loss of all those who did fall.
Shedding tears and hoping that someone will hear our call.
But voices fall to empty ears, they will not hear our cry.
An echo is so hard to hear, unless you truly try.
Jul 2016 · 257
Future Past
Cailey Weaver Jul 2016
While the sun sets at day's end, leading into night, it promises to rise again to give us morning's light.
The past is in the past, the future remains bright.
Our destinies are within reach, tomorrow is in sight.
Mar 2016 · 807
Brussels
Cailey Weaver Mar 2016
Belgium, we hear you.
Our tears fall at your loss.
One day, things will be okay, and the world will turn right-side up.

It won't be tomorrow, or in my lifetime, but one day, it will.
Until then, we hear you, and stand with you against the evil in this world.

Evil exists.
It is very real.
There are monsters in the shadows, gouls under our beds, and ghosts drifting outside our windows.
We are all but children playing in the dark.

Evil, and pain, and wrongdoings, and losses, exist all around us.
And one day, when we decide, they will go away.
Until then, we hear you.
Mar 2016 · 1.2k
And Yes, I am Flawed.
Cailey Weaver Mar 2016
My eyesight is terrible.
I’m allergic to dust.
I can’t fold clothes.
I hate using chopsticks.
I refuse to eat mushrooms.
I always forget to floss.
My hands are all veiny.
I bite my nails.
Blow my nose loudly.
Sneeze a lot.
Trip.
Run into things.
Rush.

I’m late all the time.
Have too much stuff.
Drop things.
Lose things.
Forget.

I push people away.
I’m scared to be loved.
I’m mean sometimes.
Brash.
Make decisions too quickly.

I pick on my friends.
I go a little too far.
I’m too sensitive.
Get mad too easily.
Hold a grudge.
Am slow to forgive.

I react badly to criticism.
My hair is too thin.
Gets frizzy and tangled.
My nose is too round.

My posture is awful.
My feet are all callused.
And covered in marks.
My legs are too big.
My shape is too wide.
My shoulders are stiff.
I’m always uptight.

I get mad at myself.
I get mad at the world.
I get confused.
And afraid.
And angry.

I get sad and depressed.
I hate being alone.
I let things get to me.
I get tired.
I give up.

I bite at my lips.
And play with my hair.
I laugh really loudly
And sometimes I swear
I often get angry
And rarely play fair.
Though I’ll never be perfect,
I really don’t care.
Feb 2016 · 598
Time
Cailey Weaver Feb 2016
Almost everything in life is controllable, except for time.
It’s something that is endless, never pausing for a moment to wait for you to catch up.

It’s something we are all victims of.
It’s what gives us life and it brings our own demise closer and closer every day.

Destruction is a result of human existence through time.
None of us want this to end; and anyone would admit to wanting the ability to hit pause and freeze time itself.

Time is unstoppable.
It’s something that brings us all down to size.

No matter our age, gender, race, or religion, not one of us can halt time.
Some, however, can create the illusion of time standing still. Closing your eyes, and letting everything disappear.

Take my hand.
Don’t let the time go by.
Don’t let me lose control.

Never fear.
It’s only time.
Jan 2016 · 318
I Lost You To It
Cailey Weaver Jan 2016
Once we were young
  No cares in the world
    Our lives in the palms of our hands.

    The ocean was far
  But just within reach
You said you'd meet me there.

I ran. You flew.
       I crawled to you.
I came to find
       You were lost
No longer mine.

       Somewhere high
You left me on the ground
With clues for me to find

          You weren't far
                                                      Just out of reach
But I chose to stay behind.
Recent events have brought stress upon me and thus has brought back my muse. It's a bittersweet feeling, however it feels good to be back. I feel like this poem can have multiple meanings. Comment below what you think it means, and maybe I will tell you if you're close enough. That aside, you should be seeing more of me in coming days.
Thanks for your support.
Regards,
- Olive
Jan 2016 · 416
The Time to Choose
Cailey Weaver Jan 2016
Searching for something
Not sure where to go
Just feeling around
In a big empty hole

The darkness is blinding
I can't find my way
My senses are gone
I wish they would have stayed

My path is uncertain
The future unknown
The choices to make
I must make all alone

There's nothing to help me
My time's running out
I better choose quickly
There's no time for doubt

I hope that my future
And what waits for me
Will somehow be bright
I'll be happy and free

But first there's this choice
I must find my way
Should I leave all I know?
Or be safe and just stay?
Aug 2015 · 524
Wide Awake I Fear
Cailey Weaver Aug 2015
It's the hardest thing to catch
Even when the light is gone
And no sound can be heard

The bugs chirp out the window
As you sink into your bed
And rethink the day
From sunrise to sunset

It runs away
It runs away

You reach for it
Every conversation replays itself
The voices blur inside your head

Your troubles scream your name
Chasing away every dream
Just past your fingertips
Gone as the day

It runs away
It runs away

Your eyes are wide open
Sweat pours down your face
Every insecurity, every fear

You wonder what the day will bring
But long for blissful rest
The demons keep you captive
As it runs away

It runs away

It's the hardest thing to catch
What slips through every darkness
It leaves you there to tremble

And that which runs from light
Blooms in the dark.
And you are left to face
All alone
With what finds you in the night.
Aug 2015 · 413
If I Say I Dreamed...
Cailey Weaver Aug 2015
If I say I dreamed about you.
You may be really great.
I maybe think you're really weird.
Perhaps it's you I hate.
Perhaps my dream was a nightmare.
Perhaps I woke up screaming.
You never really know what I mean,
If I tell you I was dreaming
This is a repost of a previous poem.
Aug 2015 · 622
The Choice (20w)
Cailey Weaver Aug 2015
We have a choice whether or not to be happy.
It's called outlook; a glass half empty or half full.
Aug 2015 · 979
A Test of Time
Cailey Weaver Aug 2015
To the one I love
Whom I've never met
Who one day
Will never leave my side
To the one I will cherish
With every laugh
Every smile
Every heartbeat.
I will wait for you
As the days go by
No matter how long it takes.
I will not rush
I'll take my time
And live my life
By my design.
I'll search for you
But will not toil
There's much to be done
Before that day
I will not fear
For you will come
No matter how long it takes.
Until that day
I'll wait for you
For we have nothing but time
We have nothing but time.
Aug 2015 · 486
Summer's End
Cailey Weaver Aug 2015
Dear Summer,
Thank you for the Rain
Days spent at skating rinks
Summer classes
And hours spent in the car.
Thank you for the new experiences
The opportunities
And lots of new friends.
Thank you for the hard work
The challenges
The ends
And new beginnings.
The heartaches
The headaches
And plenty of growing pains.
Thank you for the warmth
The scolding asphalt
Lying in the sun and burning to a crisp.
Thank you for that one day I spent time with my family
The trip I took with my friends
And everything in between.
Goodbye Summer, you were magnificent.
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