and i'm swallowing stardust
i'm feeling numb
my heads higher than the clouds
cause i finally found the one

i picked a rose today.
off a bush
that sits underneath
my childhood window.
the thorn poked into my skin.
i watched as the blood started to trickle
down my finger.
i stood there and pondered.
which one holds the most beauty?
the rose that i just picked,
that will be put into a jar and wilt away?
or the blood spewing out of my finger
as a reminder that i’m still alive.

you left a bad taste on the tip of my tongue
i've been tripping off the high
you left in lungs

if you wanted to be a part of my world again
you'd be the biggest continent its ever seen

i left my happiness out for too long
its beginning to rot away.
i've forgotten how to put it up,
so its just turn to decay.
maybe i should have preserved it.
and never walked away.
but now forever gone,
and i'm the only one to blame.

the person that reflected back in the mirror
wasn’t the same person she used recognize
she turned into a stranger
when she spoke the voice that came out
was different
the clothes that she wore didn’t rest right on
her bones.
though she was unfamiliar with figure she saw
everyone around her could see the transformation she made.

questioning how she got this way.
but knowing that she could only grow from there.

its summer
4th of July
our 2 year old is in her wading pool
my husband is grilling
i'm sitting next to my child
she looks just like her father
eyes and all
you laugh because
she looks nothing
like you at all
everything you've wanted is right in front of you
you prayed long hours at night for these things
you waited
then you woke up
all alone in a queen size bed
all to yourself
a lump in the back of your throat has now formed
why?
i have no right to be upset about a dream
but i was so close to having these things
now its haunting me while i sleep

I was missing a few pieces
But every time you tried to
Glue them back on me
They would fall off
And shatter

how do i fix myself when
i don't even know what broke me
in the first place.

i've created many storms inside myself
i'm afraid to cry now
when i do
it releases from my body
the lighting strikes
the thunder begins to clap
the wind is very strong
and its destroying everything it its path

i wasn't aware of the pain you felt.
but if i could have taken it from you,
i'd let it skin me alive.

my mistakes have been haunting me
they begin to cover me like a rain storm
when i've forgotten my umbrella
and i can't find my car keys while digging in
the bottom of my leather purse
its drowning me
all over
but i can still breathe

you are serotonin and dopamine

i'm so high

but drug free

I’ve sunken down into dark holes
That I’ve dug myself.
The blisters are throbbing on my palms.
I know the way out.
But what lies above
Are the things that scare me.
And I’m hoping that hiding will heal me.

I  would have traded hearing you tell me
I don’t love you anymore
For every bone in my rib cage to shatter
It would have ached less

i remember a time
i was a bird, free from her cage.
finally spreading my wings.
i flew as fast as i could.
and when the small metal
opening that was keeping me locked in
had finally opened,
i got to show the world
how i soar.

how do i pick my poison?
when loving you, and leaving you
are both equally toxic.

what is love
love is a best friend to dry the tears of todays struggles.
love is stirring the pancake batter while making breakfast together.
love is getting entirely lost on our first road trip.
love is the first fight over something so irrelevant you can't remember why you started to fight.
love is 2am playing card games with each other
while listening to classic rock and drinking beer.
love is a slow dance in the hallway on the way to bed.
love is you.

i took off into an unknown place
two lane roads fade into a daze
the earth is painted with rust
and grey
my face is fresh without clay
the freckles take up the spaces where your finger tips
once laid and the wild flowers be me to stay

I used to panic at the thought of never hearing your voice again
I’d go back and replay voicemails with my headphones in until I feel asleep, because I never wanted you to leave from my memory

the room was empty but it was filled with boxes of our things.
my hopes and dreams for us,
your secrets and lies.
you kept them taped up tight,
and every month that passed by you began to unbox them
one at a time.

across from me,  
a god so i thought he seemed.
ink and paper in front of my eyes,
i sketched him out.
and too my surprise
something so frigtening
on the white sheet.
I can’t run now
he’s watching me.

I’ve swam the seven seas, till I almost drown.
I’ve broken my heart so many times that I finally lost count.
I’ve lost my way somewhere beyond the trees.
If you could help me find it….
I’m looking for peace.

Like two thunderstorms that came
From opposite directions
Colliding
And caused mass destruction
That’s exactly what happened when our souls met

my body has been aching
it feels worse than the flu i had
when i was a 10 year old child
lifeless and limp
food doesn’t taste the same
my face is starting to look different
its settled into my veins now
and i’m not sure i’ll recover

- you're the virus in my body

my dreams had faded
like photos that had been hanging
on the walls for too long
once the summer sun
starting sizzling outside
dwindling out
as the seconds went by.

we used to be like magnets
if we got close we knew we couldn’t separate.
if we got to far apart, there was still a strong
sensation that kept pulling us together.
but we kept breaking down into small bits
and began to scatter.
we lost our strength,
now i’m not sure if our souls will
ever reattach to each other again .

I thought seeing you would help me heal.
I’m currently trying to patch up the wounds I just reopened.

my body went into shock
it was like watching a terrible
accident happen right before my eyes
my adrenaline is pumping
my heart is racing
i feel like i've lost all control
sick to my stomach
something i can't quite comprehend
or make sense of

-watching you love someone else

its pathetic how you could let me
lay here without trying to save me
i’m cold and scared
but this is what you wanted.
you wanted me too be empty
and soon there will be
a void in my chest
soon you can cut
deeper into me
and harvest whats left.
i won’t scream now
because I'm lacking breath
your hands never left a
mark when
i was full of blood
but if you could see
the inside my brain
the damages
had been done.

you knew i could take care of them
i could nurture them
you orphaned your demons
at the doorstep of my soul
now they’ve started their chaos inside of me

- i can’t adopt them

sometimes i miss waking up next to
someone
but if i woke up to a body that wasn't yours
i'd be disappointed

my hopes are so high
i hope they don't crash
because i'm not sure
if they'll survive the landing

loving you was indeed a car crash
you hit me so hard i could feel the glass shards
of my heart shattering all around me
i could feel the pieces sticking into my skin
you left me with broken bones and dents

as i dangled
as i danced
i no longer could use my voice
nor my own breathe
i was your puppet
on a string
and you controlled every
part of me

i didn't wake up one morning
and decide to stop loving you
i'd never be that cruel

how do I begin to
let my mind process the thoughts
of giving my body to someone else?
when I don’t even feel like its mine in
the first place.

I have everything I want. But my mind still visits times we had together. It's melancholy really. A beautiful time shared between us when we  had been so lost ourselves.  But yet we found some type of hope inside our wicked bodies.

i was angry
how did they not care for you
the innocent boy with blonde hair
blue eyes and
crooked teeth
listening to the worst stories my ears have ever heard
the new towns, new homes, new schools
living in fear
at such a young age
you never had a permeant place to call home
until you met me

you poured gasoline
inside of my lugs
you struck the match
and watched as the inferno begun

i'm afraid to see the dentist
it isn't the drill
or the long needle
that presses into your gums
that terrifies me
its the numb
for so long i couldn't feel a thing
but it finally wore off one day
and i don't want to know
that that feels like anymore

state of you
i've moved to a new state
the one in my mind
they call it missing you
every night i drive by buildings
i look above the doors
addresses are nailed to the walls
the numbers are made up of significant dates that
meant something to us
the billboards i pass are full of
old pictures of our memories
and the stop lights are every color
that made up your eyes

did i get too close?
did i feel just like home?

i once had dreams
but no matter how hard i tried never could i achieve them
while the years flew by my world remained the same
and i watched as my dreams seemed to scatter to everyone but me