my colorful insides have never felt so gray

A phoenix, A second chance
An angel, A devil,
A rescue, A ******,
Everything comes with a price,
And this ***** is an expensive *******

did i push myself too far?
the shaking post workout?
the moons rise after the suns char,
is this what they call burnout?

I am ash and you are an ember
your glow seems to last forever
on my own, I used to spark and flutter
but those days are now over

you are an ember, I watch your smokey dance
i light up at the sight of you, firebrand
With nothing but this blood on my hands
you help ignite my passion, my chance

Why do I like revenge?
Why does the blood that drips down so, satisfying?
Why does watching other people, who’ve pained me, hurt, feel so good?
If we’re supposed to all hold love in our hearts,
Why do some drip black poison?

who knew this wasted opportunity,
would reignite the flame,
behind every passion i burnt out?

i cant tell,
if it’s to make me feel better,
or in hopes you’ll find me attractive again.

green chain link fences
lost dogs foaming at the mouth
blood stains in my carpet
the texts buzzing my phone
i’m sorry
i’m sorry
i’m sorry

over and over again.
i only wanted to make you happy.

Every word you said haunts me,
Every night we slept together hurts me,
Every memory of us together terrorizes me,

Because I keep telling you how much I ******* love you,
And you used to feel the same.

How can all that mean so much to me,
And absolutely ******* nothing to you now?

Love really is cruel, isn’t it.

What am I doing,
crying alone in the dark?
What am I doing,
up at 3 am every single night?
What am I doing,
when I could just talk it out with you?

My world is void without your freckles.

Open yourself up
Let them all in
Set boundaries, just hush
The drop of a pin

Which is the right answer?

is it my fault,
that that’s what you grew up to be?
did we play too much army?
let you touch too much of me?
we were only seven darling,
always down the street running,
did you ever know?
of your daddy screaming
our buddy bleeding
your mommy’s drinking
of our glasses shattering?
or were you blind like me, too?
was there something i could have done, if my eyes were open too?

How could every second of all our nights together mean so much to me,
And not even our promises mean anything to you?

if i want to get big,
my goals have to get bigger

if i “love him so much”,
i have to be the best for him

so i’m going to be the best
<3

I have so many people who look up to me,
Golden roads underneath my feet,
That I’ve spent years paving,
So many friends that want to support me,

So why do I take it all for granted?
Why do I have these selfish thoughts?

i have everything i could have ever wanted..

so why won’t this aching feeling go away?
why do i still drag my feet along?

when the bridge i am walking on is made of solid gold?

i can’t commit to anything
can i?

not people,
not plans,
not schedules,
nor times,
i can’t even do a daily write daily.

i felt miserable,
the crushing self rejection,
that a lover cannot fix,
the acceptance of being what broke you before.

but,
i stopped,
and realized i wasn’t alone,
for i was surrounded by garnets.
Twinkling, beautiful, crimson friends.

maybe it’s not so bad after all

i loved you.
i wanted nothing more than to be with you,

so am i really okay breaking your heart like this?
intentionally playing the villain is just so much easier,
than having to explain a loss.

sometimes i think that i still do.

when i look into your eyes,
they reflect a million tiny memories.
when i see your smile,
each word that comes out reminds me of what you said.
how am i supposed to act like nothing happened,
when your sole existence screams it into my face?

you promised me you would never forget me,
did you forget that too?

Sparkling, shining, brightening
Moving, twisting, bending
Coral roses

What if I dropped all my dreams and inspirations,
And just became a nonsensical philosophy major?

light, joy, pure, smile, free
electricity

shock, clash, change, crash, blow
flames of evolution

dark, bitter, cynical, faint
the crashing waves of rain

Slap
                         Burn
                                                  Sting.
   ­                                              Leave
                          Me
Weak.
Just
                   ­      High
                                                 Five.
                                                      In
                        Low
Tide.
                   Leaving me.
                  Feeling weak.
                          ON
                         THE
                    GROUND.

Forever connected to a bunch of selfish jerks
And the worst part is they don't really love you
Maybe they tell themselves if they say it enough
                                                                      they will
It doesn't matter, they don't have the time to love
                                                an eternal connection
Long-lasting bond of self-pity and hate based off
                                                      of a foundation of
Youth.

Fire swirls in an empty black galaxy
Take your hand, and keep trying to hold on
Spinning, dancing, and popping ecstasy.
Somehow your goodbye leaves me feeling conned
And angels swoop down and cut out my tongue
Throw down your cards and a few bills and fall
Growing old with you sounds better than young
Every day, playing, just being your doll.
And the thorn you take comes from roses of red.
Eyes are windows, and yours are dark night skies.
Feeling like I'm dying but never dead
Snow is falling, you keep me warm with lies
Jumping off headfirst, crashing on concrete
Running in circles, missing ev'ry beat

if i touch you, will i break you?
if i blink, will it all fall away?
if i space out, will this place fade back to what i once knew?
if i dare look away, will the sun fade?

you’re the sun and i’m the moon;
i can’t glow without you.

stardust fell down from her honey brown eyes
and kissed the neck of her wooden guitar
and inside her aquamarine gloom lies
truly the most ethereal gold by far
and for every single shaky breath
is worth one hundred dollars to a fool
and for every fragile thought of death
is cut exactly like a priceless jewel
her hurt worn like a 1950s fur
as she licks the rotten fruit of Eden
they rearrange her life all around her
into their own holy flower garden
she, seraph, looks up to the heavens gates
remembers how it felt, plummeting to hate

Demon of the light,
Standing by my side,
Showing me the way,
Saying it’s okay,
The only person who makes me feel safe

Soft pink socks
Silken hair
Honeydew eyes
Killer stare
Solemn god
Aged wine
Dainty hands
Angelic shine

the heat that sits in my stomach,
as the gray messages fill my screen,
but in my soul,
in my mind,
they’re refracting rainbows like a cut jewel

soft long wisps of light honey brown hair
caught in the wind, dance on the clouds
her soft closed lips, velvet-like sounds
the rain caught in summer air
and her legs sway to-and-fro
and her mind soars with the birds
and fence she sits on purrs
as the fuzzy melody flows
the flowers sway along to the tune
the grass; torn between emeralds and gold
May cries to her lovely sister June
the pond shakes when her foot brushes its mold
everything is whispering in tune
and though everything is new, it all feels old

Who I think I am
Is a detestable
Vindictive
Obnoxious woman
As cold as a white blizzard
Raging on to the roughest mountains
I think I am the murderess
Sheathed in the dark forest
Jolting the tides of its pond
I think I am the uncaring father
Sinning in secret alleys
The most sadistic of killers
Calloused as a fist
Cut as sharp as a jewel

But
Who I really am
Is a confused
Fragile
Indecisive porcelain doll
As breakable as a shattered wine glass
On a wine-stained marble floor
I am the delicate blossom
Of a thorny bush
I am like a pond
Still but shaken
Waiting to show the world around me
That there are crystal shells under the murky water
I am not an insatiable destructive brat
But the scattered flowers of a glass vase
That was shattered by the brat

I may be a bad person,
But I am not the bad guy,
I've learned a toxic lesson,
And now I see why.

I see how all my friends see me,
I see you'll never understand,
I see my people-pleasing tendencies,
I see all you want to do is reprimand,

But I see that everyone is a bad person.

all we know is school,
i have to spend the rest of my life after either working nine to five,
or starve to make my dream come true,
and after all of that i’ll peak either ending,
and then all that will be left for me is death.

when your friends ask you about me,
will you laugh at our memories?
will you mock our promises?
will you ridicule what we had?

do all those nights disgust you now?

you don’t even know what love is;
but, it’s a nice thought,
that you might forever.

I hear the crickets,
It's like she's next to me on the grass
Not on a receiver in my room
Because it was quiet
Only crickets purring
and I felt warm.

That
Desperately clinging onto hope
Falling 80 stories high

Its more than That
Crashing, ****** up into confusion
Does it show on my face?

But You
Dripping sin, leaking light
Classy orange mustang

You're more than That
Vulnerable, so hard but so soft
More than contrasts, lust, love

More than That

When I began to cry; the sky did too
Cotton candy clouds dripping blue in June

Everytime I see the letter E,
I instantly think of your name.
I can’t stop listening to our songs,
And wondering how they make you feel now.
Would it **** you to spend a little time with me?

I feel as though I've lived a thousand years,
Experienced all that there is to see,
The blood, the lies, the sweat, the pain, the tears,
Reborn, as year after year seems to flee.
Learned how it feels to rely on others,
Have walked the road entirely alone,
Lived both with and without a real mother,
Learned when love and when hate was to be shown,
Tried out everyone, have done everything,
Figured out who really was a no-go,
Felt the wrath of love, even have a ring,
But learned I do so much better solo,
I feel utter clarity, all lives trashed,
Does that mean it will all finally fade to ash?

Wind chimes backward are like heaven in my
We cannot escape the past
So you and i will never last
"I love you" and lies were a blast
But even love, too, has it's final dance
ym ni nevaeh ekil era drawkcab semihc dniW

I want to be the girl everyone dies for,
I want to be insatiable,
I want to be everyone’s favorite,
Because I just wanted to be yours.

Orange cigarette filter
Yellow full moon
Green lighter
Blue blue soul
Purple handle knife
Pink bloodshot eyes
Red, red blood

i wish i never asked you if you still felt the same.
it doesn’t matter anymore.
i rather live in a lie than lose you.

i’m so sorry for everything.

you know that feeling when you want something to keep going?

or you want to keep trying?

even if it might sting?

hold onto that.

do it.

return.