Everything is falling like rain around me
And all I can do is muster a smile and a
Hallelujah.

Everything is falling like rain around me
But my feet are stuck to the ground like concrete.

You have scorched me
With scalding words
And a scorching glare.
The humiliation was like
An inferno had sparked in
My chest and then spread
To consume my body and soul.

I was too scared to move.
It hurt to think.

But like the Phoenix,
I will rise again.

My tongue will be like a sword-
Painfully beautiful,
Swift and sharp.

You will marvel
You will wonder
You will be proven wrong.

Your words are fire,
I am celestial bronze.

Come now,
Purify me.

You're so dreaaaamy baby.
Like really dreamy I wish you could
See me though.
I don't think you can in this huge crowd
But one day that smile on your face
Will be allllll mine.
You heard?

You're so dreaaaamy baby.
You still don't notice me
And it's so funny because you're all I see,
Think or speak about.
I saw you with your friends
Talking and walking.
You voice like silk
And words like spoiled milk
But you're so **** dreaaaamy baby.

You're so dreaaaamy baby.
I figured it out
You like girls with curly hair
Light skin
Voices like the ocean and
And skin so smooth
You wonder if it's a potion.
That's why you don't notice me baby.
I guess zigzag coils are out of style
And dark skin isn't cutting it for you
My voice is rusty and soft, it doesn't flow loudly and smoothly like the sea
And my skin; it's bumpy. But don't we all deal with acne?

You're so dreaaaamy baby
And I want to be your dream girl.
So I straighten my hair and curl it in loose waves, I stay out of the sun even on beach days
I talk louder, with eloquence and confidence
And I do everything possible for clear skin.
And you do notice me this time.
You fall headfirst in love
Yet I can't get out of my mind when you asked
If I was new at school
When I've been there, around you for 3 years
I can only chuckle and say "sort of. But not really."
And that's the real truth.
I sit with you and you friends for months
At lunch like I had been dying to for years.
You don't ask me many questions about myself
Other than "Are going to here or there."
You complement my processed hair
You compliment my silky skin
You compliment my personality 2.0
And it doesn't feel right
Being this
But I've lost who I was a long time ago
And it sorta feels like I'm lacking soul.

You were my dream baby.
But why do I feel like hell?

"You save me from myself."

Every time something goes wrong
I know I have You to count on.
This is more than beautiful words
This more than a beautiful song
This is more than just a day at church
More than speaking in tongues.
This is so much more than any act of
Prophesy
I hope you can see
That.

This more than life.
This is more than logic.
This is more than I can ever hope to
Articulate or explain
For how can I express Your glory
When my lips are not holy enough
And my mind not pure enough
To speak or know Your name?

How can I expect to be
Expect to do all that You have called me to?
How can I expect to be perfect like You?
How can I?
You have made everything anew
But once I get in the way of things
Everything goes askew.

Though I struggle and try
And most days simply succumb
How is it possible that You can
Save me from myself over and over again?
I never understood what a wretched man
That I am
Until I tried to live for You truly.

You knew me from before I was in my mother's
Womb
And you know exactly what day I will be
Laid to rest in a tomb.
Yet I still find it hard to trust You
When You take away certain people or things
Or when You instruct me.
I can't see past the pain or my desire
I can't see past my inherent need for control
For success
Yet
What is success without You?
What is love without You?
What is happiness without You?
What am I without You?

Sometimes I feel like abandoning You
But how can I after all You took me
Through?
How can I?
Two things am I sure of
Your love
And that I will die.
Yet why can't I allow myself to
Accept the love You give?
I just don't deserve it
But I need it.

You are the breath I breathe
How I stand when my knees
Buckle.
You are sunlight
You are bright
You are dazzling
You are my life.

Though I may run from that simple truth
I'll always find my way back to You.

What a paradox is this
An imperfect miss
With a perfect God
Called but uncalled to Him
Afraid to let a love
She craves and needs in.

N. a deviation from the common norm. Something or somebody who does not fit in.

A glitch, an error in systematic method.

Something abnormal.

Something strange.

Something mind boggling.  

Exactly what I was meant to be.

I mean how much of a hypocrite can you be?
How can you dare list off all of the
Wonders and beauty in a person
Who still winds up alone
Every night
With nobody quite caring how they're really
Doing
Because "Who them? They're perfect nothing ever goes wrong there."
But she sits down after
Highlighting every beautiful thing in life
While smiling and making everyone laugh
And feel loved and cared for and included
Watching them embrace a lover or a friend
Who really really cares for them,
Looking at each other with sparkles in their eyes or just cracking jokes and genuinely having a good time
And she's alone, smiling slightly and softly
Trying to figure out exactly what she's been doing wrong all her life because she's a little shy but she always cares deeply and she always loves, and she tries to keep up conversation
And she really puts her best effort into making everybody happy
Yet every day she's alone
Despite the accolades and the "you're so great"s and smiles in her face
She wonders why she's no one's real favorite
And maybe if nobody really loves the girl who
Everybody likes
And if she's just something
A wallflower
Which sometimes people stop to admire
Or maybe she's too perfectly presented on
The outside for someone to love.

So she breaks at night
And repairs herself each morning
To live with a hope
A desperate hope
To maybe one day see more than admiration
Something deeper than lust
In someone she loves
When they look at her.

Maybe she's too hopeful
But someday it will happen
Right?

Could you find your own identity
And stop trying to be me
I am sick and tired of trying to
Swallow back my words
In order to avoid me being a part of
The herds
Others who
Who all look the same.

Could you please find you own identity
I am sick of you trying to be me
Sick of you mimicking me
Sick of you trying to do
All that I do
And passing it off as your own.

Where has uniqueness gone?
And why do you
Regard me with scorn
As if you are the one who
Hadn't succumb to
Stealing another's identity
Oh would you please stop trying to be me?

Be you
Do you
Do not compare yourself to me
Can't you see
That you are beautiful
In your own unique way?

Listen to me
And listen to me well
It would be a cold day in hell
That I would allow anyone
On anything
Take away my own originality
And you as sure as the sun shines
Can never have the talent or personality
That is mine.

You can never be me.
Can't you see that it can never work?
Why don't you put more effort
Into finding yourself
Instead of trying into cash in on
The wealth I have found in myself
Because the same riches lie inside of you
Could you please please please
Stop trying to be me

I know it's best for me to be alone
But my heart sincerely wants a home.
I don't know where to settle
My mind is whistling like a tea kettle.

Time ticks bye
Time flies
Things are changing.

I know it's best for me to be around
But I don't think I can bear the sound
Of bickering
Or handling the ludicrous singing.

Here I am,
All over again
Hand with pen
Wondering when
My peace will be turned upside down,
Wondering when
The next heartache will come around.

I know it's best for me not to worry
I know it's best not to hurry
Things along
But I can't quite contain
My mind's wondering song.

At least He's still around

I've been trying to find myself
With my eyes wide shut
And the visions of the future
Keep changing
And my head and heart
Keep paining
When I think about it.

I don't know what I want
Just what I don't want.
That's good and bad.

I just keep grasping at air
To catch me before I fall into an abyss
I just keep grasping at air
To catch me before I shatter to pieces.

No one sees
No one cares
No one notices
Because they don't ask
Because I don't let them know
God I'm falling and falling
But ironically
My fingers can never let go
Of the atmosphere
That lets me fall
Oh who am I to call?

I just keep falling and falling
Grasping at dreams with my eyes wide shut
Bracing myself for the pain
Of either wings sprouting and letting me soar
Or from crashing and my skull cracking on the floor

If you had told me five months ago that
I would laugh again
And love again
I would have spat in your face
Because how could I possibly ever feel
Again after losing nine precious people to me?

But I am laughing
And loving
And smiling once more
And I think about them yes,
Sometimes I cry
But pain is apart of being alive.

If you had told me four months ago,
That we wouldn't be
I would've rolled my eyes and said
'You must not see the way he looks at me.'

But we are not
We will never be
And I guess that hurt me for a while
But I still smile
And I don't even notice you
Half the time
Because other things
Like happiness are consuming my mind.
And I know that before the school year ends
I will have another
And you will be the last thing on my mind.

If you had told me twelve months ago
Things would be like this now
I would have laughed out loud
Because it couldn't possibly be true?

But it is
I am happy
I have grown
I will
Continue
To
Grow
I
Will
Glow.

IT WAS THEN
She realized it then
When her heart hopped
Into her mouth screaming
Out ludicrous love songs
And her stomach started
To spin around like a cyclone
And she had this overwhelming urge to
***** and run
But he was her home
So she collapsed into his arms
And relished the feeling of just him being
There.

IT WAS THEN
She realized that she had
Fallen hopelessly in love
And she remembered that feeling
Seven months later
When she craved it so bad
That she fell to the floor and
Broke like glass
Bits and pieces of herself
Shattering
Everywhere and she had
Lost herself
Truly that time
Feeling like she was grasping at thin air
Or clouds
Trying to get a grip
To stop the falling
But every firm thing
Slipping through her grasp.

IT WAS THEN
She crashed down on the grasslands
Numb.
Her back ached from landing on the
Earth with such force
And her ears rang.
The broken bits had
Come back together
Forcefully, and it hurt to breathe
Because she was used to some places
Being empty
So it felt awkward now that they were full.
She lay there
For a while,
Looking up the sky
Watching him lead another girl up
Abysmally high
Waltzing on clouds
Her laughter innocent and sweet.

IT WAS THEN
She felt the sharp ache in her head.
She knew now.
All ludic childishness
A faint memory
She was back to normal now
Reality.
She wondered what love was
Blindness or foolishness.
She couldn't decide.
She got up
And walked away
Into the sunrise.

Numb is a funny feeling.
Contrary to popular belief
It is not the relief
Of feeling nothing,
Rather
You feel everything.

You lay down at night
And your ears ring
Because you feel hate,
Hope, love, growth,
Birth, death, hunger,
Warmth, cold
You connect with the trees
And listen as the moon
Tells you tales of old.
You feel the Earth spin on its axis
The universe expand
And your body simply does not know
How to process this
So you go on overload.

So you lie, lie, lie still
And the tears roll down your face
Of sadness, happiness or fear
You do not know
Except you are overwhelmed
And
You cannot place a name to what you feel
Not one
Name.
You can only call it
Numb.

Gentle words spoken
And laughter
Easy conversation
Speculation and sharing
Stories.
These are the days I've missed.

It feels like warm sunshine
After a perilous winter.
It feels like time goes by
Quicker
When I'm with you.

Everything is a little brighter
Life and my stress are a little lighter.
Yes these are the days I've missed.
All those nights with
You laughing at nothing
In particular.

You make things a little easier
For me to bear
When you're here with me
And I can't help but plead
To God
That this becomes
What I hope it will be.

For all I see
Right now is a hard road
And a heavy burden to be
Planted on my back.
But I think things would be easier
If you were by my side.
I think that's probably why
I hate when we say goodbye.
This can be something special
All we need is time.

Helplessly
Madly
Uncontrollably
Undeniably
Most definitely
Missing you.

It scares the hell out of me
That in a little more than
A year I will be an adult
And
I can't daydream
I have to make things
Happen
And
That life can turn out
The exact opposite of how
I may want it
And
That I'm not ready

At the brink of the Great Canyon of adolescence
About to be pushed off into
The Wild Wide World
And
*I'm scared as hell

I moved on the day
I realized
I could not share
The sparkle in your eyes
With another.

I moved on without a single sigh
Not one tear did I cry.
Though, I won't lie,
I was a little hurt.

I moved on when it hit me
Who I was.
I am amazing
I am blazing.
I am bright.
I am consuming.
Because there's too much of me
To love
Too much love
I will give
For me to settle for
Scraps of affection.

I moved on.
But you will come
To your senses
Sooner or later
And sooner or later
Is already too late.

What is bare skin
Compared to
The beauty of a bare soul?

it's bad
very bad
to want to be around someone
this bad
but i can't help it
is that bad?

Death makes everything so clear.
I swear this is the most I've thought
All year.
I wish you were still here
If I could go backwards
And if I could stop it
I'd pour out words
That I wish I'd said
And do everything I planned on doing
With you
Before you were dead.

So many thoughts swirling
Around in my head
I think about life and death
As I lay in my bed
And I think and think
About you
And sometimes
I don't sleep a wink.

Because there's so much to do
In so little time
So much to say
So many rhymes
And plays
And pen down
Until they put you in that pen
And put you down
But its all worth
The stress and the struggle
To live out the purpose
Reversing the curses
And centering your life around
Giving glory to God.

So enjoy heaven
For me until I can come
And wear your crowns
Proudly
And sing your song of praise
Loudly

You know
And I know
That you know
And I know
That what you and I know
Is nothing.

I can only hear your voice now
Through recordings
How sick is that?
I mean I do know for a fact
That you are dead.
But honestly I can't get it through my head.

Our love is not
A prosaic puzzle
It is more like a
Victorian poem
Difficult to understand
By the modern world
Yet beautiful all the same
Long-lasting
One can see this is not a game
Though there may be one too many 'hither' or 'thy'
All that really matters is you and I

A quiet storm
Has formed
Within me.
And you claim you want
Me to release
Everything that I
Hold beneath the surface
And it's ironic
You complain
When I let you simply sample
The breeze.

'I am a lover not a fighter.'
I say as I take you by the tongue
And kisses roll off my lips
Like bullets from a gun.

'I am a lover not a fighter.'
I say as I take my fingertips
And brush them across your back
Slicing your heart open
And letting the feelings from within
Like a blade
Makes blood trickle
Out of skin.

'I am a lover not a fighter.'
I say as you and I laugh
Cramps curling in my stomach
Hurting me like a slap
With broken glass.

'I am a lover not a fighter.'
I said as I see another
Smooth compliments and kisses
Upon you like butter
With clenched fists
And a broken heart.

'I am a fighter not a lover.'
I say as I punch her in the face
And kick you in the groin
Trying to ignore the annoying
Voice asking me why
I would hurt the guy
I care so deeply for.
I ignore it as you slump to the floor.

'I am, I am-'
I cannot finish it
Because whether
A lover with the passion of a fighter
Or
A fighter with the lighter of love
I know not anymore.



But my dear gel
Know that all is well
For you are God's Princess
Please do not forget
That you are
A fighter that is loved
From the Perfect King
From up above.

What's with all the staring of late?
And why is it that I can relate
To you without speaking?
And why am I seeing you everywhere?
Wanting to see you everywhere?
Why does being near you
Make me feel giddy but scared?
But I refuse to let anymore words
Go unsaid.

I guess it takes tragedy
To understand destiny
And that time is limited.
So why not spend it with
Love and laughter?
I mean making the most of your years
Before going to the Hereafter.

Why is it
That the way I love
Anyone else
Is colored
By the way
I have loved you?

Plane crashes
And crashing waves
You are God of them all.

Broken glass
And broken hearts
You repair it all.

***** cloth
And ***** sinner
You wash them all clean.

What I mean is
You know.
What I'm saying is
I'll go.
I trust You.

Despite the aches and pains
And the bruises along the way.

I am naïve aren't I?
How could I possibly believe
That you could ever look beyond yourself
To just once
Consider maybe,
Just maybe,
That Everything is not about ye.

everything is made of matter.
I get that, I really do.
Sixth grade science taught me that.
But what I don’t get is how
nothing really matters?

I'm almost sure that this is
A hit and miss
But we'll go for it anyway
Something to consume
Summer days
And produce heartaches.
But I'd rather be a fool
And find lo and behold
Find fool's gold,
Than walk past
And miss out
On my diamond mine
Of love that is in mind.

I'm almost sure,
But not completely certain
So let's act it out
Let's raise the curtain.

Do you ever realize that
This universe
Can be likened to blood?

Do you ever just sit down and realize,
That the stars in the skies
Are platelets rushing to form a clot
Around an ever expanding cut
Constantly pouring out blood?

The composition of the blood
Diffuses
And becomes that rich oxygenated red
That becomes dilutes with the air
Of our atmosphere
And the ruby red sunlight becomes
Lovely, lovely orange and yellow,
The kind that get you all mellow.

It also splits into the
Cold color of deoxygenated blood
Yes blue.
We watch it ooze
Slowly
Putting the vast expanse of the heavens
On display
After the day
Is done.

Then there is the plasma
Which scientists say is the
Fourth state of matter
But what does that even matter?

Do you ever realize that
This universe
Can be likened to blood?
Produced from an
Ever expanding wound
Like that of Christ whom
Was bruised for our sins.

Do you ever realize that
The universe that surrounds us
Could be
The blood of Christ
There to erase our sins?
That the more we do wrong,
The more blood he bleeds
Thus the more we see
The universe increase?

Do you ever realize that
The universe is constantly expanding
And will never stop?
I mean doesn’t that thought
Ever pop
Into your mind?

poetry is blood
not words
poetry is heartbeats
sighs
sunlight in your eyes
poetry is life
it is not english class

She always wondered what it would be like to be loved
And not slipped under someone like a glove.
She always dreamed of not being a man’s trophy.
Yes she
Wondered why
No guy
Seemed to truly love her
Enough to stay.
Day by day
She’d think to herself
This may well be the reason her daddy didn’t
Stick around
Long enough to hear the sound
Of her first cry
Because he too knew
Before she was born into the world
Deep down inside,
There was something wrong with this girl.

So she chased every guy who smiled in her directions
You see,
Seeking love was her infection
Passing the shards of her heart
To each ‘brand new start’
Thinking they were the one
Who would put her together again
Yet every encounter left her even more broken
Each ***** gentleman left a token
Of their ‘gratitude’
Which was pain etched on her pieces of heart
Leaving her further away from the start

“What’s wrong with me?
Am I not worthy of love?
Or am I just a girl
Destined to be second in another world?”
She’d cry out.
Then she’d search about for the one.
Yet it never occurred to her to
Seek out The One
Who could truly save her

The One who died on a Calvary Hill
Healed the demon-possessed and the ill.
The One who bled dry to save,
The Ancient of Days,
The Prince of Peace and Lord of Lords.
Yes Jesus the risen Christ,
Who mends hearts and makes them alright.
The one who two thousand plus years
Defeated death
And Is worthy of all praise and cheers.

Then one faithful day they met
Her heart could not believe the love
After so many years of neglect.
The Jesus she always cast aside
Pieced her heart back together
And gave her access to forever,
He cleaned her sin with His blood
And anoints her with His everlasting love.
Yes the broken she
Was now the beloved Princess
Of The Perfect He.

//t.a.b.