As a child I was always the shyest in the room,
I never started conversation for fear of rejection.
Maybe it was because I never had a strong father figure growing up,
I strived to be perfect for everyone I met.
I carefully viewed those around me,
Taking in silent notes of the values, morals, and hobbies they held that were “popular”.
They had the best clothing?
I decided that I needed a whole new wardrobe.
If they traveled a lot, I wanted to travel just as much.
I took all of these things and “built” a better me.
One that I thought people would like.
Every morning I put on that mask for fear that nobody would like the real me,
But I’ve been wearing this mask for so long I cannot tell which is the real me from the imposter.
Which begs the question,
Who am I?
I remember twirling around in circles, bare feet on the gray concrete floor of the one car garage.
The space filling with the thick smoke from your cigar drifting about, filling both our lungs with the poisonous chemicals.
My five year old self wearing a loose fitted Barbie dress,
“Daddy, look at me! I’m a Princess!” I shout with laughter, posing dramatically.
“Not now, the adults are talking!” You said sternly.
I cower away from you and go back to my childish dancing,
Oh, how badly I wanted your validation,
Your love and attention.
But I was a mere child,
Not worthy of your time.
Perhaps, that was how I learned to be silent,
To be submissive.
How I lost my voice,
But did I ever have one to begin with?
You stole my voice before I even found it.
At one point I called you father, and meant it.
You were not my father by blood, simply by marriage.
I had longed for a father figure for as long as I could remember,
A man who would love and raise me as his own.
The good memories were brief snippets of happier times,
While the bad were vivid, distinct memories that lasted for what felt like hours.
A nightmare that I could never escape from,
They were engrained in my memory like the words to my favorite song.
I wish I could forget all the difficult memories and focus on the good times that we had together.
What little they were, anyways.
I wish I could forgive, the way my five year old self did,
Oh, the love and admiration she had for you.
Now all that was left was anger and a bitter resentment.
The anger and confusion that came with the abuse that you perpetuated.
I would never call you Father again, if I ever saw you
I would look at you in disgust and pity,
For you will never know true, selfless, love.
And for that, I feel sorry for you.
The morning light shines through the blinds
My eyes squint shut trying to stop the pain.
Head pounding, throbbing, sharp pins and needles
Memory gone, complete darkness.
What happened last night?
I don't dare ask my friends for fear of what they might bring to light.
I remember the sips of tequila on my tongue,
I can still taste it.
Dancing all night long,
Then it's all black.
I cannot remember when I left the bar,
Or how I got home.
What I did in those few hours,
I cannot remember.
I look in the bathroom mirror and see a cut on my forehead.
How did that get there?
Sure, I had a long, painful relationship with alcohol in the past.
I was a lightweight learning her limits,
And some of my worst memories involved alcohol consumption.
I used alcohol as a coping mechanism but it only made my problems worse.
No matter how hard I tried,
I still could not figure out how I injured myself.
Tears rush down my face in frustration.
Drinking was no longer fun.
I was no longer proud of who I was.
The tequila taste in my mouth making me gag in disgust,
Disgust with myself.
No longer would I let alcohol continue to destroy my life.
Sobriety is hard but my memory and wellbeing is more important than being intoxicated.
We all have a fix
Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, or a person.
I wonder why they are called “fixes”
They never fix what they are meant to.
It’s all just a distraction from the pain being felt.
He treats me like a Queen,
Still I can’t help but wonder if he will be like you too
Funny how I am afraid of what he might become yet the most comforting place I’ve ever been is his arms.
I look to him for protection yet I fear him and what he might do,
He’s never given me a reason to doubt him but most of the men from my past life haunt my thoughts, spreading lies like wildfire
I run to him, almost as if being attracted by a magnet, it’s out of my control
I cringe whenever he takes his belt off,
I know he would never hit me yet the memory of leather striking my skin like a whip,
My mother’s hands pounding on the door and her dread-filled screams,
lingers in the back of my mind like a nightmare I cannot escape from
Now that I am older it’s easier to understand she knew what he was capable of,
She had been in my position before,
She never told me as a child because I had this glorified image of him,
He was the first man that seemed like he wanted to take care of us and love us,
I viewed him as a father and even called him Dad
He had just loved his alcohol and cigars more than his love for us
I sometimes start to think about what our future children will look like,
But I stop in my tracks because that evil voice in my head asks “what if he turns out like him”?
Will it always be like this, I fear
Stay home, they say.
But my home is no longer a safe haven.
I’m surrounded by demons,
Threatening to destroy me.
They watch my every move,
Viciously plotting for when I fail.
I fall to the floor screaming like a Banshee.
“Leave me alone!”
The demons retreat with devilish grins.
They will be back,
For I cannot hide from them forever.
When I was younger the quiet scared me,
Demons running wild in my head constantly.
I’m older now and they cannot ruin me like they once did.
My past demons can no longer touch me,
For I am enough in his eyes.
There are nights you leave in such a haste as if I had burned you.
You leave me with no explanation as to what I may have done.
You shut me out of your heart and mind,
Both guarded by soldiers you command.
I try to reach out and comfort you, but it seems I am the one your soldiers attack.
I learn to give you space even if it kills me inside.
The things I hated the most about myself,
He loved with every fiber of his being.
Perhaps if he loved them hard enough,
Maybe I would too.
How does one fall out of love with someone who was once their entire world?
There was once a time I saw my future with you,
Traveling the world, having kids, eventually having grandkids running around our house.
Now I look at you and all I see is someone I do not know.
You used to be so sweet,
But this world has made you cruel.
I used to think I could never spend the rest of my life without you,
But now I see I cannot go on living like this.
All we are is strangers now.
I may never forget that night that you took what was not yours
But I must thank you in some odd way,
For you showed me who was there for me and who was not when I was at my lowest.
And I have found that cutting toxicity out of my life was necessary.
For if they cannot be there for me when I am broken, they cannot be there at my peak.
She asked for help,
But nobody was willing to believe her
Society told her to shut up and deal with it
Society stole her voice and hoped she would be compliant
But she is a warrior,
And her voice unwavering
Beauty surrounds you everywhere
Everyone sees it,
Yet you are blind
It is a shame that you cannot see beyond your hatred
I have seen blue Caribbean waters,
Yet nothing compares to your eyes
The sun rises atop the mountains,
The warmth awakening every inch of my being,
And time stands still for just a moment.
The world is at peace.
That’s when I know I’m alive.
You came when I least expected it
And you left the same way
I never expected to fall for you as hard as I did
It was as if I was free falling out of a plane without a parachute,
As fast as a baby falling asleep in its mother’s arms,
And as deeply as the Black Sea
You are my sun,
And I revolve around you
Perfection is unachievable
To grasp at perfection is pointless
I once thought that you were perfect,
We were perfect even.
But after you left, I learned it was all an illusion I made up in my own mind
I love when you speak to me softly
The words falling from your lips as sweet as honey
Every syllable pulls me deeper into a dream-like state
Your voice, as soft as cashmere, comforts my soul
I could listen to your velvet voice forever
Every time I look at you I see the future
Your hair a light shade of grey,
Crows feet beside your bright blue orbs
I could not imagine ever spending the rest of my life without you,
Nor would I want to
You are my first true love,
And my last
Failure is essential for growth as rain is for flowers
Failure teaches us the hardest lessons
But failure always leads us to where we are meant to be
Even in a room full of people, I have never felt so alone.
I have good days as well as bad
I'm still learning to love myself how I am
Self love is an everyday battle
But it's a battle that I refuse to lose
She was as beautiful as the stars in the night sky
What a shame she could not see the beauty she possessed
For self love was a foreign concept to her
Every time your fingers dance across my skin, my breathing stops in its tracks and my stomach erupts in happy fluttering butterflies.
That's how I know I'm in love.
I've had *** before; Many times.
But none as spiritually awakening as this time.
Your hands wandering my body as if exploring an uncharted island.
Your fingers making me sing a song I had only ever forced myself to sing.
My core exploding like fireworks on the 4th of July.
You made me feel what no other man could. Love.
Even when the sun shined bright
She stood in her armor, prepared for a battle that might never come
She was a warrior
Whose battle was with her own mind.
Watching the snow fall is so peaceful
They don't crash into the ground, they simply fall gently and land softly
The exquisite designs of each individual flake,
Not one like another
We're all just snowflakes,
Intricate, unique, and beautiful
One day I hope you look back on your life and you're happy with the life you were given
The **** ups, the love, the madness of it all
I hope you are sitting on your front porch taking it all in with the love of your life
Your grandchildren playing in the front yard with not a care in the world
All the bad things that happened to you won't matter because you are here
All that's left at the end of the road is love
And you, my darling, made it
And one day it will all be worth it
I know how it feels to lie awake at night thinking about everything wrong with me
My stomach's not flat enough,
I have love handles and thick thighs
I **** up everything I do or touch
Sometimes I think to myself would the world be better off without me?
But then the sun rises and shines across my face
The warmth awakening my senses
And I realize
The sun will always rise
And so will I
I used to hope you would choke on the life you ****** out of me,
Except after you left, I discovered all that you took was your own poison
I am free
Our love was as vast as the sea,
It was fast and sweet
The waves began to crash harder,
Drowning us with fears and uncertainty
When the treacherous waves finally cleared,
You were long gone and so was our love
Control is an illusion,
It's not tangible
Chaos is all around us,
It lives inside of us like an unwelcome guest
Chaos is inevitable
And so is our fate
She was like a flower going through a year long drought
Parched, wilting, and tired
But when the drought ends and the sky opens up, she blossoms into a vibrant daisy full of life and beauty.
Seemingly forgetting the dark days behind her.
Her mind was a dark place
Wars constantly being battled
The only thing keeping her afloat was her will and soul
Her soul was as pure as fresh snow, untouched by demons
It burst with everlasting love, patience, and kindness
Even in a world that had been anything but kind to her
Her soul was all she had left
She clung to it desperately, for if she lost it, she'd lose herself as well
The world has become a breeding ground for evil
Everyone clouded in darkness as thick as fog on a rainy morning
Demons constantly itching to corrupt even the most innocent of minds
Drowning in our own heads,
Barely staying afloat
The darkness creeps in to claim it's prize.
— The End —