I'll push my feelings down
For your sake.
I'll bury them so deep
That I won't feel anything
Anymore.

We're just friends
We're just friends
We're just
Whatever you want us to be.

I'm just playing along
Until I forget those feelings
Buried so deep down
In my heart.

Everyone has their addictions.
Mine just so happens to be you.

It's no longer fun
When it's
No longer mine.

Like a secret
That I
Didn't mean to tell.

I fell in love with a girl.
That's all there is to it.
Nothing fancy.
I just
Fell in love.

I care far less
About what people think of me
And far more
About what I think of myself.

And every time I see you now
It's a brand new chance
To fall in love
For the very first time
All over again.

Your body is a work of art.
And I have just recently become
A connoisseur.

You make me more
Of who I want
To be.

Relax.
Everything's
Gunna be
Alright.
Relax now.
Deep breaths.
Inhale. Exhale.
Now remember all the
Good times.
Yeah, you'll be alright.
Only a few more deep breaths,
Until all things work out again.

How is it that a sin
That is worthy of death
Can be something
That some cannot
Control.

Granted,
I may not have come out of my mother
Telling her that
I like
Boys
And
Girls.
But that doesn't mean it's not true now.

How was I to know
That after 19 years
Of waiting for a man
To sweep me off my feet,
I would catch her eye
And feel something new.

Something that I had felt before
But different.
Like when I hold his hand
Or when he kissed my cheek
Just how she holds my gaze
And makes my knees go weak.

You can't just tell me to stop.
No matter how many times you say it's wrong.
I've read that Bible through and through
From Genesis to Isaiah to the book of Matthew.
I was raised in the church
And in a Christian school
So don't you tell me what I know
To be "true."
Because I can't help this.

It's like when you stop a wildfire from spreading.
You may have extinguished its flame
But that doesn't mean it didn't burn.
And if you find it humorous
To judge a fire
For not just burning the grass,
But also the trees,
Then how equally ridiculous is it
For you to judge me
For not just loving the birds,
But also the bees.

The wildfire
Didn't set out to ****
It was simply doing
What it felt was right.
And you can extinguish it,
Yeah you can put it out.
But that doesn't change the fact
That it happened.
And that doesn't change the fact
That I love her.
And that doesn't change the fact
That I love him
Too.

Sometime I wish
That someone would just
Diagnose me.
With depression
Or
Anxiety
Or
The like.

Instead of just feeling it
Inside,
I would have a word to put to it.
A word I knew
That other people shared.

Maybe then I wouldn't feel
So alone.
And maybe then
It wouldn't be wrong
That I feel so wrong.
And maybe then
I wouldn't feel bad
About feeling bad
All the time.

Please someone
Diagnose me.
So that I can have a reason
For feeling
This way.

I'm just not feeling anything anymore.

I miss you too much.

I'm no longer who I was.
This smile used to be genuine.
Now I only paint it on for pictures
And awkward encounters with strangers.

Gotta turn on that smile to make them all
Feel okay about leaving me after we share
That split second of recognition
That single moment of a certain something
Before going our separate ways.

I'll smile for you
If that's what you need
To feel okay about
Knowing that I'm not okay.

She took my hand
And called me baby.
And from that moment on
I no longer knew
Who I was.

A stranger to myself,
Needing to look in the mirror
To remember what I
Look like.

She brushed my brow
With her fingers
As my head was in her lap.
She called me beautiful
And I believed her.
Because she simply
Cannot be
Wrong.

She changed me
And then she left me,
To introduce myself
To this new person
That has taken up the space
Inside of the skin
That I vacated the moment
She called me
Baby.

When did I start becoming
More of myself
When I'm with you
Than when I am
Alone.

I'm addicted to you
And I haven't had a fix of your body
In far too long.

All else
Falls away
When I see your face.

Please stay with me
Always.

I've been subjected
To far too much
Of your *******.

One
Two
Three.
Each have their equal.

Makes a
Two
Four
Six.
All married in the squeal.

Make a movie from this *******.
Write a trilogy for youth.
Paste the pictures on a portrait.
Turn the ******* into truth.

Truth.
What's the
Truth.
Lately I don't give a
****.

Where is God
Where is Allah
Where is Buddha
Where is man.

They're all out there to
Protect us
To give us a glimmer of
Hope.
But I don't feel protected
Not in all of this
*******.

You can't tell me that I matter
With a straight face.
And how funny it is
That you expect me to believe you
When you say it'll be "alright"
And you whisper
"baby please don't
fright"
Baby baby please don't
Frighten the children
With your talk of
Failing kingdoms
And your thoughts of
Desperation.
Baby baby please
Keep it to yourself.

Do you see it yet?
Can you taste it?
All the
*******.
So readily available
For us to take.
To inhale
To pop down
To drink
To inject
To "respect your authority"
To "mother knows best"

Don't let it swallow you up.
When one turns to two
And two turns to four
And then three turns to six
And you're the last one left
To pick up the sticks
Of your crumpling family tree.

Maybe if your two sisters and your brother
All got married and went off with their
New little families
You would understand
Just what I'm going through.
This failing family I'm asked to
Hold together with old band aids
That were used to cover the
Scars in this unit we shared.
Those scars that we swept under the rug
Those "let's not talk about it"
Those "she'll be alright."
I'm sure she just got overwhelmed
By this single moment.
There can't be anything
That we're missing.
There can't be a question
We didn't ask.

It's all *******.

How much longer must I paint on my face
Each morning
To maintain this facade
That I'm not broken inside.
That I'm not so
God
****
Alone.

Drowning
Down
Down
Down
In all of this
*******.

Trying to reach the surface
Trying to let you know that I'm
Not okay.
And that I'm no longer sure that
I will be.

How much longer must I
Stay here.
Hearing you all sing
"Baby baby it'll be alright
Don't you worry don't you fright
It's just a phase
It's just a feeling
It'll pass
It'll pass."
Well let me tell you what.
Let's pretend you care for a minute
And hear me out one last time.
Then I'll shut up and you can go on
Drinking down your ******* with a painted on smile.

Sometimes people are not okay.
Sometimes people are suicidal.
Sometimes people are struggling.
Sometimes people fail.
And sometimes people don't need a doctor
Or a pill off some prescription
To be okay again.
Sometimes they need you
To break through the *******
And to stop caring about
Politics and what your mother and father taught you
To be right.
Sometime you need to forget it all for a friend.
Tear away the stigmas and the stereotypes and all of the
*******
And just hear them out.
Hold them close and tell them
"Baby baby it's okay
To not be okay
All of the time."

Sometimes we just need a break
From the *******.
So please,
Just give me some space.
I'll be okay.
I'm sure I just got overwhelmed
By this single moment.
It's just a phase
It's just a feeling
It'll pass.
It'll pass.

Don't act as though my opinion
Matters to you
At all.

Grant me the words
"I don't care."

So that I don't waste my precious thoughts
On your unworthy ears.

Frost doesn't care
What anyone thinks.
It moves to its own music
And then waits
To see the repercussions.

A life where your only enemies
Are heat and a window scraper.
Destroyed designs
Are nothing to cry about.
Jack Frost will come around once more
When the sun goes down
And the scraper is put to rest.

"Why don't you come home more often?"
"Why don't you bring that nice boy of yours over anymore?"
"Why don't we get to meet this friend that you talk about so much?"

You ask
So many
Questions.

And I just shut down
And you just get mad
Because I have nothing to say
That will please you.

Why don't I come home more often?
Because this place no longer feels like home.
Home is where you are accepted
Not judged.
Home is where you are safe
Not targeted.
Home is where you feel loved
And I don't feel loved here
Anymore.

Why do I no longer bring my boyfriend around?
Because he can smell plastic people
From a mile away
And he turned into a greyhound
The moment he caught wind of your *******.
He isn't as courteous as I am
And I envy him greatly for that.
He won't paint his skin to match your plastic shine
Just to be called one of your own.
I wish I could do the same.

Why don't you get to meet my friend?
Because I'm in love with her.
And my bisexuality is the only thing I have left
That you cannot
Judge
Or
Taint
Or
****.
You can be as homophobic as you want about my friend
Because he likes boys
And you can change the channel
When you see two girls kiss
But you can't see what's right in front of your face.
You created the very thing
You despise.
So I won't bring her over
Because my kiss is still on her lips
And my boyfriend holds my hand
Through it all
Because he knows
That I need this.

You made three perfect children.
All married.
One grandchild
One on the way.
Two girls and one boy
Living out your dreams.
A scientist and a nurse and an aspiring policeman.

But don't you forget
That you also made me.
Your little
Outgoing
Antisocial
Loving
Bitter
Bisexual
Baby.
The youngest of four.
The "oops" of the litter.
You made me.
But that doesn't mean you
Own me.
And that doesn't mean you
Define me.
And that doesn't mean you
Need to accept me.
Because I don't need your acceptance.
I don't need you at all.

So
"I won't be back home for awhile."
"Alright. We love you."
"If only."

Everyone
And
Everything
Is not
Against you.
Find the good.

Quit being mad
At everyone else
For the bad mood
That you chose to have.

You have no idea
How much your
Casual inconsistency
Messes with
My heart.

I bite my lip
And it leaves a mark,
Anything to take you off my mind.

Yeah I bite my lip
In hopes of blood
In hopes of pain
To feel something else
To take you off my mind.
Like a
"Squeeze my hand and the shot won't hurt."
Or a
"Rip off the bandaid real quick."
But it doesn't work.

So I bite my lip
To think of something else
To take you off my mind.

So imagine my surprise
When I bite my lip
And instead of pain
I get memories.
Of you slipping your lip
Between your teeth
And biting down ever so slightly
Ever so sultry
Ever so ****
HOW DO YOU DO THAT.

You're the last thing that I need
But you're the first thing on my mind
And I don't mind no I don't mind
You filling up all of my head.
But see I have another who should be there,
Filling up my thoughts and taking claim of my heart.
Yeah and they rightfully earned their place there.
Oh but you just slipped in
(you sneaky **** *******)
Just the way your lip slips between your teeth.

So I can't bite my lip
I can't make myself bleed
Because I only taste you
In my mouth.
And I only feel you
On my tongue.
And I only want you
In my thoughts.
And I can't take you
Off my mind.

I'm sorry
I'm not entirely
Here.
But my heart
Has passed
Away now
And there's
Nothing to
Mourn it
Anymore
But
My mind.

If I'm going to hell for loving you
Then send me down.
Because I'm not backing out.

I'm not okay.
But I will be.

Trying to find a place to cry.
How pathetic is that.

Not my house,
My family will ask.
Not my dorm,
My roommate will wonder.
Can't park in my car,
People will pull over.
(People are so ******* kind in that way).

So I'll drive.
And I'll cry.
Like a child
Who didn't get his way.
Which,
In a way,
Is fairly accurate.

But I need to cry somewhere.
The pressure is building up
In my head
In my heart
In the pit of my stomach.
Waiting there
To make its debut.

So I'll drive.
And I'll cry.
And I'll let it all out.
Because I want you
But he has you
And I didn't get my way.
And on second thought no,
Not like a child.  
A child is much more
Mature.

Because I won't apologize
For throwing a fit.
Because I still want you.
So I'll just drive for awhile.
And let it all out
On the road.
Throwing a fit
In my '91 Chevy.

Every time I close my eyes
It hurts a little more.

Because I know I'm one night closer
To you being gone.

I'd rather risk her knowing the truth
Than lose her.

Don't you tell her.
Don't you ever tell her
That she's the one that I can never leave.

She knows I love her,
Not in the way she thinks
But what's it really matter in the end.

She'll move away
And she'll never know
That she's the one that taught me of true love.                                            

And I'll go on living
My perfect ******* life
With the man that I love so ******* much.

So don't you dare go tell her,
Don't you ruin what I have
Because it'll all sort itself out some day.

And she'll go on believing
That I love her as a friend
And I'll move on as she moves away.

You say that you must leave me,
Though why I do not know.
I can't move on without you.
Oh God, please do not go.

Music has started
To physically move me
In ways
I never knew
Could be.

Sometimes
I catch my eye
In the mirror.

I catch myself
Looking at me
And I give a wink
And a smile.

I ask me
How I'm getting along
And
If I'm doing well.

And then I part ways
With my mirror self
Because for some reason
All I can get
From mirror me
Is responses
That are made up
Of the very same
Questions
That I had asked myself.

And I just cannot handle
The kind of pressure
That those loaded questions
Hold.

There once was a father antelope
Who loved fruit salad
As well as his one and only
Antelope daughter.

One day
A young boy antelope
Came sauntering over
And took a liking to
The daughter.

So he asked the father antelope,
"May I marry your daughter?"
And father antelope said,
"No."

And oh the young boy antelope
Begged and
Begged and
Begged
The father for his daughter's
Hand in marriage.
But he refused.

But you see,
The daughter antelope
Loved the young boy antelope
And she wanted so badly to marry him.

So she made up her father's
Favorite dish,
A fruit salad
With all the fruits you could
Think of.

There was
Strawberries
And
Blueberries
And
Cantaloupe
And
Watermelon
And
Every
Single
Fruit.

She knew this was the way to her father's heart
So she brought it to him
That very day
And she said,
"Please oh please father.
Let me marry the young boy antelope."
And her father said,
"No."
And she
Begged and
Begged and
Begged
Him to let her marry him.
But all he would say was,
"No."

So she brought out her special weapon,
She showed him the salad made from
Every fruit imaginable,
Like
Strawberries
And
Blueberries
And
Cantaloupe
And
Watermelon
And
Every
Single
Fruit.

And she told him,
"If you will not let me marry him,
Then we will run away together
And get married far far away
Without your permission."

And the father looked deep into the fruit salad.
He looked long and hard.
He looked at the
Strawberries
And
Blueberries
And
Cantaloupe
And
Watermelon
And
Every
Single
Fruit.

And without looking up
Without breaking his gaze
With that lovely fruit salad
He said to her,
"No.
Antelope
Cantaloupe."

The end.

Her movements
Are so fluid
There is no reason
To alter the specifics
To make them more appealing
When transferring them to words.

No need for analogies
Or symbolism.

She dips her head back
And lets it slip from
One shoulder
To the other.
Resting on each one
Ever so slightly
To greet them both
The same.

Her hand
Puppeteers her arm upward
To swipe her fingers
Across her brow.
A gentle kiss of reassurance
That morning has at last
Arrived.

Her thumbs lead the way
For her hands to follow
As they slip behind her ears
And make their way down to the ends
Of her hair.
But before they finish their descent,
They meet together
Her smooth hair stops them from making
Total impact.
The right stays put, creating ******* for the hair that is left behind.
The left guides the remaining strands around her shoulder
To rest there
As her hand continues down her chest.
Something that she only allows her own kind
To do.

Her actions alone are pure poetry.
From turning her head,
To stretching her arms,
To simply putting up her hair.
It is all poetic
To witness
To experience
To love.

What if
Every time we showed emotion
It was all or nothing.

No middle ground.
No half-assed kisses.
No stupid side hugs.

Catch her eye and feel something
Grab her face and kiss her lips
All else is nothing in that moment.
And then you pull back
And you wait
To see her emotions in return.

Will she jump up and wrap her legs around your waist?
Will she become one with you in that moment?
Or will she feel nothing
And walk away.

At that time
You will know
Exactly how she feels.

No more of this guessing *******.
No need for any other
What ifs
If only we bared all.

Everything you feel
Every moment and movement and detail
Is played out with your every action.
Laid out on the table
And worn upon your sleeves.

"Ah, I see you love me."
They'll say as they read your pages.
But they won't need to read
Because you will be in their arms
By the time they look up.

And what if.
What if they feel the same.
What if they get to you first.

You can't tell me that you've never felt the same.
Because you locked eyes with her that one time
And it has stayed with you
Filed away in the cabinet of What ifs
Under the title of "Love at first sight?"

And she walks on
Casually filing away her emotions
In their neat little folders
In their neat little drawers
Constantly questioning
Her every decision.

So what if you act on them.
What if you kiss her.
"What if she says no?" you ask.
"What if he doesn't feel the same?" you question.
But what if
What if they love you.

What if we had to show our emotions
The moment we felt them.
And she would be with him
And he would be with her
And their love at first sight
Would be justified.

And you would grip her face
And she would wrap her legs around your waist
And you would never have to wonder
What if
Again.

If only
We bared
It all.

Your scent is on my clothes.
Or is it on my skin?
Never matter where it is,
It may as well be everywhere.
It's all I can think about.

I want to show you
That I care,
Though I am here
And you are there.

We've made a mess
Of what we've been
Yet we both know
We cannot win.

I'd isolate myself and sit for hours if I could
Paying little mind to the things I know I should.
I'm slowly losing interest,
I feel misunderstood.
If I could fix these problems in a heartbeat then I would.

I didn't mean to hurt you
Didn't mean to lead you on.
Thought that I was being careful
But i guess that I thought wrong.

I'm sorry.

I need no explication
For why your kiss is on my lips.

Words of kindness, of affirmation, are fleeting. But words of hatred, of spite and anger, cling to your skin like paint holds fast to a canvas. They dry up and create an image upon your heart. An image of insecurity, of low self worth, of depression and little faith. They drip into your veins and leave streaks of color on your fingertips. And no amount of soap or scrubbing will ever take away the stain. Nothing can remove that pain that is felt when words of fury are flung upon you. Carelessly applied with an overused brush.

It's a giddy, happy, fuzzy feeling,
Knowing someone likes you.
You cannot help but smile
At the mention of their name.

It's a fuzzy, happy, giddy feeling
That bubbles all around you.
And constantly reminds you that
You'll never be the same.

I'm in love the with idea of you. I can't get over it. It stays with me. It lives in me. I cannot leave it and I do not need to. Because, you see, I'm not in love with you.

I'm in love with way you make me feel. The smile you bring to my lips. The one I attempt to hide. The one no one else can see. But even if they do. What's it matter? I'm not in love with you.

I'm in love with the way you move. The way you touch your fingers to your cheek. And I may do the same. Yes I may touch your cheek, and pull you close to me. But that's okay. Because it's not as if I'm in love with you.

I'm in love with your kiss. Your lips on my lips. The way we feel together. I can't fake that. But you can. Because you're not in love with me. And that's alright. I don't mind. I'm not in love with you.

And maybe if I say it a few more times.
And maybe if I make a few more rhymes.
And maybe if I tell a few more lies.
I'll finally start to believe it.

How is it
You leave me
So breathless?

Such an
Odd
Way
To ******.

No breath
In my lungs
Leaves me room
In my mind
To imagine
The things
We could do.

Color on your skin,
I know you'll let me in
With a smile on your lips
And swing upon your hips.

She tucks her hair
Behind her ear
Just to have it slip down
Once more.

Can you blame it?
Her hair.
For ever wanting
To caress her cheek
Once more.