angel

angel May 2017

gift

i want to give you something.
a gift. maybe you don't want that gift.
but i really really want you to have it.
and i want you to keep it forever and i want you to think about it every day.
i want it to haunt you
and make you think of me
and how much i affected you.
you claim i never gave you a gift;
but that was because i tried to and you wouldn't let me.
and that hurts me
because i want to be something magnificent and i wasn't.
to you.

#love #sad #sadness #breakup #boyfriend #girlfriend #depressed #depression

angel May 2017

if i were to die.

its strange to know that when my heart lays still that it won't matter at all.
that time won't stop because of me, that people will forget eventually.
and, yes, people will cry;
but they'll learn to live without me by their side.
i'll just be a memory that's hides so far back in their skulls that they won't even be able to imagine what life would be if i were still alive.

angel May 2017

i want to be a firefly

it's so hard to hold onto my sanity when i watch them lose control.
it's so easy to fall, even though i know it'll be hell.
i could be weak and do it again;
feel the bitterness and gagging,
the dizziness and hear my giggling.
or i could control myself and be bland. tasteless.
i don't want to be a bore,
i want to be a firefly that makes your eyes widen at the golden star i carry on my back.
but i don't want to get squashed by your fingers,
so what am i supposed to do?

#depression #depressed #sad #sadness #alcohol #alcoholism #sober #sobriety #firefly #glow

angel May 2017

navy blue fleece

your navy blue fleece was soft like the under side of a rabbit's chin
you were the cool darkness that hugged me when there were stars sleeping in the sky.
you were the dissipating clouds that floated through time,
passing through slowly and quietly
i found comfort in the clouds,
because they were you.
the clear, pale skies weren't a home
the sun spoke a foreign language that left a burn where the moon would glimmer on me
you left secret purple kisses on my neck and the day would only make them known
the dew on the grass in the mornings reminded me of you,
the night.
and i would feel so cold in those mornings,
looking at the mountains dipped in white through the foggy glass
and oh what i would give to feel that navy blue fleece against my body once again

#blue #navy #cold #cool #coldness #coolness #winter #morning #night #day #afternoon #midnight #moon #clouds #dark #darkness #sad #sadness #aesthetic #ice #warm #home #fleece #him #his #he #who #me #hug #hugging #love #affection #scared #scary #stars #starry #star #nighttime #rabbit #soft #animal #gentle #cute #sweet #smooth #comfort #comforting #sleep #sleepy #sleeping #tired #clear #pale #sky #slow #slowly #quiet #quietly #mountains #snow #white #black #north #northern #dew #wet #morningdew #glimmer #shine #shiny #hickies #hickie #purple #bruise #kiss #kissed #kissing #foreign #grass #reminder #burn #burning #you

angel May 2017

red and grey

you only pay attention to the blood.
when i'm splattered on the ground
and my bones are in pieces
sitting in my open flesh
maybe that's because you only see in black and white
you don't see red very often
and the red is what catches your eye
so sometimes
i let myself bleed
so that you can see me again
and wrap me in your gauzy words
and kiss my boo boos
until i'm grey again
and you can't see me.

angel May 2017

choke

with a fancy knot
and bristles that poke your skin
it's wrapped around you,
and you fall
kicking your legs around,
searching for the balance you pushed away
your eyes roll back, white and gummy
your skin is a beautiful shade of lilac
the tongue dangling from your lips is dry and pale
your neck is swollen and blood is wetting the sisal
your fingertips are cold and blue
your sneakers and pointing down
and you can't even hear their screams when they see what you looked like after you tried to fly away.

death isn't the way out. get help.