my room was filled with darkness, except for the flashlight i was holding.
pacing and pacing and pacing
crying and crying and crying
my note to you was written in blue ink that looked like scribbles.
you told me i could talk to you but you became angry whenever i did.
i decided i would give up.
i couldn't bear starving myself anymore.
i couldn't look at myself anymore.
i couldn't stand watching you rapidly distance yourself from me.
my hips were bleeding and the blood was dripping down my thighs and sticking to my sweatpants.
i looked through every drawer and every cabinet in my bedroom.
i stayed silent because my family was sleeping peacefully and thought i was, too.
i couldn't find the pills.
i looked through the same drawers and cabinets hoping that i would see those tiny white circles in that tiny plastic bag.
i couldn't find the pills.
i decided i would go to bed.
i lit the note for you on fire and threw it out of my bedroom window and into my lawn.
all that pacing and all that crying tired me out
and i curled up in bed with blood all over my legs
and gently cried myself to sleep.
this is about october 2017 when my ed was at its worst and he was about to leave me without explanation
i remember the day i looked myself in the mirror
and i was content with how i looked
despite looking chubbier
for the first time.
there had been fireworks for the past couple days,
and i really liked them.
my mind was on a journey somewhere nice,
but a few hours later i was violated.
it feels like the universe doesn't want me to love myself
or to feel secure
you were on my mind a lot today
and i didn't know why
until i remembered that i was drinking from that
blue metallic coffee mug
that you gave me a couple years ago
for an old friend
i don't like you but i'm still sorry
it's kind of sad to me how now
i might finally be starting to get a little better
but now i wish i used to work harder
and do more
but i know i wasn't able to
because i was so sick
but it hurts that i feel like
i wasted so much time
i'm getting bad again.
i'm kind of vain. i look at my reflection often.
i feel terrible every time.
it kind of reminds me of when my baby teeth would get loose.
i'd push my tooth side to side with my tongue.
there'd be a twinge of pain, but it felt good.
locking myself in my bathroom and pulling my shirt up to see my waist is like that.
it hurts me every time---
constantly reminding me of how i'll never look the way i should,
but i can't stop.
i sent flashing lights to his door,
i didn't want to risk it.
the image of those pills and that deep brown coffee liqueur scared me, the thought of him filling himself with it.
he told me he wasn't mad at me for it,
he told me everything was okay and not to do it again, though.
i guess he felt too bad,
i guess it hurt him like last time.
she sent the flashing lights to the forest,
she told me that things weren't looking up.
my cheeks are tacky with tears,
my nose is stuffy.
now i'm just waiting all night,
now i'm just waiting until i get a message that they found him in the forest.
i can't sleep knowing that i'm part of why,
i can't sleep wondering if he'll be okay.
suicide. the police stopped looking for him because the woods were too dark and they'll resume in the morning. all i'm hoping for is that he's alive.
i like fire.
i like the way a flame dances on a wick,
how it waves from side to side.
i like the color of fire,
the way it's deep orange in its center and its edges are pale gold.
i like the danger of fire,
how quickly it can spread if you're not careful.
i like the feeling of fire,
the buzzing heat that bounces off of it, the searing burn when your hand gets too close.