community.
it’s what i strive for.
community..
what there is now
is not what i fight for.
i never thought that visibility
would mean so much to us
that it would drive us away from
the cause we suffer to love.

we suffer to love
bc rewards dont mean a thing
not until our freedom is won
until all equality is achieved

you can throw me bouquets
chant my name and flair
but i pray to my siblings
they’d pull me out of there
distractions are temptations
to get lost in temporary pleasures
only to come back to reality after
i’ll start to forget the fading laughter

you say you love me

but do you ever stop to look

how you love me

how do you do

if that’s how to

declare me unlovable 

for I rather be unloved 

than loved by you

those empty spaces between my fingers
never felt so empty
as they did the moment
your fingers left them

to have held your hand was heaven
to have held mine was so pleasant

I’ve never wanted to get a grip
until now that I’ve tasted
the grip of your hand
and I gripped it back

the urge to play with your fingers
rub your palm with my thumb
and caress the top part of your hand
I’ve lived so long without having it done

At times I wish I didn't care
and didn't feel anything too deep
but if i refused to care at all
I wouldn't be here, I wouldn’t be me.

Many things I see, I find pre-defined
A darkness is left, the kids aren’t alright
Yet within the chaos, the shot of hope gleams
A chance for redemption, before the final dream.

My love unveils both joy and sorrow
A kaleidoscope of emotions for today and tomorrow
Even in depths of despair, resilience rises
Shadows and trials end with silver-lined surprises.

To feel deeply is my way to truly live
A tapestry weaves the stories I have to give
For even in shadows, my light does grow
My heart guides me to what the truth knows.

So I seek to embrace the highs and lows
Through my rivers of tears, a garden grows
In vulnerability, I find a reality
Worthy of bonding with all humanity.

blowing things out of proportion

my ***

i say things as calmly as i can

but still, i share my thoughts, express my feelings

being real

there’d still be a problem because
nobody cares how uncomfortable it feels

just how uncomfortable it feels 

for them to have to deal

with me being honest wit how i feel.

I can’t tell why you smile like that
it does something I can’t track
and like a magnet set to attract
you have me wanting to come back

cool as ice, sweet like the caramel
in the coffee you serve so well
I remember the first time I fell
I smile often hoping you can tell

tell me how you feel about all this
the thought of us going out, the bliss
it’s always on my mind, I often wish
you’d be one to ask for a first kiss.

I’ll be hoping for the day it is love
if one day, you decide to come
but if it ends being not enough
I guess I’ll have to let it be done.

the chances, all I need is one.

What opportunity you were to me
You were a lesson I thought was luck
Allowed to dip myself into your sweet honey
Not realizing that I would be even more stuck.

The pain I’ve gained by playing your games
Had me come out knowing better, real from fake.
I had been too willing to please you
Wanting you to say “I need you”

Because otherwise how was I to prove I’m worthy
Before I realized you’re not meant to be my trophy.

I felt lucky to have you,
Because it felt good to have something
Until I realized the hurt isn't worth
Losing all of me over simply nothing.

I believed the red flags were tests
To prove myself more capable than the rest
Learned love should not be a battle
With my suffering a requisite

easy,
it could be so easy
simple, painless, fulfilling
life could open opportunities
for both your heart and mind
it doesn't even take an effort
but it's like you don't even try

unconditional
doesn't come free with you
you speak so many words
all often unproven true
things could be different
if you just come through
things could be heaven
if you only knew.

can you blame me

for tryna get you to open up more?

I’ve allowed myself to become vulnerable 

now I don’t know what for?

when you’re unavailable 

am I still yours?

when you say you wanna heal broken people, I tend to reveal a broken sequel
I'm usually doing fine until i remember of what I've been through
and I still cant let myself cry in front of you.
just feel jaded, numb, wishing I was gone.
But these are the facts I stick to:

I never had something this good, my heart races at every view
When things get a little shaky, my mind thinks "too good to be true"
It's what I'm used to, I've lost what I'm close to
I've never lost hope, but I feel like I'm supposed to
Im in deep waters, regardless if i chose to
going to feel it hard, like I overdosed you
When it's too much, I'd always excuse you.
But you chose to stay when I don't expect you.

The first time I wrote poetry
I presented it to my father
He laughed and said to me
"must you be in love?
only those in love write this--"
A 10yr old girl cried that night,
Humiliated.

But it was true. Now that I look at it.
That of being in love.
Because I fell in love with written words
Hopefully someone reads this
And falls in love as well.

Autumn gone in the winter
Keep warm, nothing else will bring her
back, if only we can go back in time
we'll learn to forgive, never forget her life
Autumn gone in the winter
keep close, everything else will wither
when the time comes, closer than expected
we'll find ourselves, our pain ended.

It hurts to grow up, it hurts to stay
Struggle to survive, things don't remain the same
I see the violence, I see the hate, I see the pain
Another shot and others gone, it's just another day
Moving on, losing, it's confusing along the way
years gone by, all those around me change
the pressure is real, those fires untamed
we'll suffer in silence, our illness unnamed.

Autumn gone in the winter
Keep warm, nothing else will bring her
back, if only we can go back in time
we'll learn to forgive, never forget her life
Autumn gone in the winter
keep close, everything else will wither
when the time comes, closer than expected
we'll find ourselves, our pain ended.

kids grow up different around here
some kids grow into eternal fears
some come out alive, some without minds
harden their hearts, all to stay alive.
rewind, rewind, rewind.
if I could change a thing, they wouldn't stay in line.
tough love comes in tough times.
tell me yours, I'll tell you mine.
we'll heal together and find ourselves divine.

Autumn gone in the winter
Keep warm, nothing else will bring her
back, if only we can go back in time
we'll learn to forgive, never forget her life
Autumn gone in the winter
keep close, everything else will wither
when the time comes, closer than expected
we'll find ourselves, our pain ended.

when will things get better? I don't know
not anytime soon with this status quo
I wanna see my community heal and grow
not have them deal with ordeals and go
I don't want gentrification, miscommunication
love and support, it's my motivation
what are the implications of being left in this situation
a small population without consolation, left in suffocation.

Autumn gone in the winter
Keep warm, nothing else will bring her
back, if only we can go back in time
we'll learn to forgive, never forget her life
Autumn gone in the winter
keep close, everything else will wither
when the time comes, closer than expected
we'll find ourselves, our pain ended.

dicen que desvelando se pierde la cabeza además del sueño
pero siempre se me quita cuando veo la luna en el cielo
llena sale más bella, hermosa
despierta, siempre vale la pena
dale ojo como se llena, la única cosa
que me daría pena es no poder verla

todas las noches, pido un deseo
que sea la distancia, tú nunca quedas lejos
y si pasa mucho tiempo donde no los vemos
pido la luna en cualquier fase
que nos cuida donde sea que estemos

solo mira por arriba
la luna te dará los mejores sueños.

Shinning stars surround you,
Yet you're still brighter than them
People claim that you're imperfect
But they just haven't met you yet.
You bring hope in my life
When darkness surrounds
You recreate all my dreams
Erase all the doubts
And when I feel weak
Tired from running all the miles
I simply look up to you
Just to see your beautiful smile
You bring the best out of my element
Almost like it's meant to be
Even the Sun can't cause a fire
Like the one you cause in me.

here's the sack of honesty that you needed to hear…

your corny texts wont save you now that we’re here

you can list the ways you ****** up without me near

cuz im done having waited for you for over a year.

and no i dont regret a thing, some fun was there
you mattered then and now i really do not care
if you miss me now, i admire your feelings of despair

if you’re feeling lonely, you'll have to look elsewhere

Remember when our backyard was
 a jungle paradise?

The trees’ fruits would feed us alone.
We’d be like lost children,
 hiding up in the branches.

One with our mother nature.

But now we’re growing up,

and the trees are being cut down.

All those tender moments have become

tantalizing memories now.

La primera vez que escribi poesia
Se lo presente a mi padre
El se echo a reir y me dijo
Apoco estas enamorada?
Solo los enamorados escriben esto.
Una niña de 10años lloro esa noche.
Humillada.
Pero era cierto. Ya que lo miro.
Eso de estar enamorada
Por que me enamore de palabras
escritas
Ojala que alguien lea esto
y se enamora el o ella misma.

maybe i should sleep, my thoughts too quick
running from left to right, i think ima be sick
and my feelings too deep, tryna come out
but in struggling to set my self straight
i write ton of **** i dont know about

i dont know myself, at least like most hear
maybe ive changed too much in the last year
someone new came in since i started here
so i think of staring at myself all night
til i gain the knowledge, lose the fear

someone else wont take over for me
i dont think ive yet set myself free
and up to now, ive let others lead
but its no longer how i want it to be

in the meantime, maybe i should sleep
and when sunrise comes, ill start to think
things will be much different from now on
in light, all uncertainty will then be gone.

Wanting to see you happy took on a deeper meaning
I got my wish and this is something I see you achieving
My heart can’t decide whether to elevate or keep sinking
I feel your love but sometimes I’m the one missing.
I’m trapped in a hole of my own making
It’s like I want to come up but I’m still debating
Do I push myself off the ledge or keep praying
I hope my love is strong enough to choose staying
there’s nothing on your end that’s wrong, it’s me
I’ve been working on letting me feel alive and free
Keep regressing to a time where I’m afraid and weak
and hope you don’t hate me if I reach a new peak
Intrusively, I risk losing my precious purpose of being
You’re sending the signs I need but I’m not seeing
How much I mean to you becomes invisible to link
With the love and happiness, I wish for you, to exist.

I panic internally at the thought of being seen. Not the light I'm afraid of, it's not being believed. hard to love, that's been accepted. That's for not being accepted; by the folks who claim to love you, you'd think it'd be expected.
I didn't know conditions come with it. Love got so tough, I broke apart and left it.

Hard life lessons learned so young, but thick skin kept it together. I cried the dark, it seemed, if no one sees, it'd be better. And yet, here you come along, with plenty of effort. Upon hearing she can't feel strong, you say "let her."

Never been afforded sensitivity; I can't trust myself in vulnerability. The heart sinking feelings comes with my inactivity and there's no credibility when it comes to my mentality, my mental reality.
And all I ask from you is to believe me. Only then will t be okay for you to see me. Only then will I be able to open up to you easily. You'll not have to deal with me closing and leaving.

Hard life lessons learned so young, but thick skin grows in pressure. I only cried the dark cuz if no one sees, it's be better. And yet, here you came along, you've made the effort: to remind her it's okay to feel strong, she is treasure.

La noche cae mas corta
Cada vez que me desvelo
Y mi tiempo se va lejos
De aqui mientras que espero
Las luces lindas que brillan alrededor
de la esquina
Que parecen desvanecerse poco a poco
de mi vista.

would it be weird if i told you that it’s love i feel?
would you believe me if i said it’s real?
believe me or not, that’s what i got
infatuated, yeah, that’s what i first thought
you say obsession, i say it’s really not
why deny the possibility of it being love?

i tell you i love you each and every day
i mean it, i show it. as often as i say it,
i wonder if you even know it.
and i repeat it for reasons,
i’ll say it over throughout the seasons.

you think i only love the way you make me feel.
i actually love more about you than there is to tell.

I think for the most part
It's when you're actually alone
That you have no choice
But to become stronger.
You have no shoulder to lean on
You have no-body to listen
You have no faith on anyone
So you pick up yourself.
Trust becomes so vague
You search its preciseness at times
But you don't spend much on it
You rather leave your troubles behind
Because the moment you remember
Is the moment you rather forget
All the ******* you have endured
And how alone you were then.

It changes with different lights
Yet it seems to stay the same.
A yellow wallpaper
With patterns of numerous waves
Its ugliness mocks me at night
With its lines traced defiantly
Without symmetry, guidance
And it's curves committing suicide
If you stare at it long enough
You begin to see shapes or figures
Ones that look like silenced faces
With hopeless eyes wanting escape.
They speak to me in whispers
They become louder in time
I don't know what they're saying
My mind lead on by curiosity
The paper became my prison
I was trapped behind the walls
No one believes it, but me
No one sees the eyes, just me.
I hate the yellow, I hate the paper
I hate it on the wall together
But it intrigues me, calls me
In a sense it needs me...
I can't let it win, I must take it down.
Off the walls they go, I tear it all
The yellow wallpaper no longer one piece
I tear it down and set us all free.

I guess some of us have to go thru a sort of hell
before we can feel the most safe, alive and well
when will things get better, I remain unsure
my strength remains, so I can only endure
it seems to have been years since I last felt content
there's so much going on now, I wonder if god left
I laugh at my problems now bc otherwise how could I live
I keep thinking, the universe must be testing me
so I can't give in.

overwhelming mental blockage
i cant think straight and i don’t want it
had me waiting to receive news I already knew
baby, you forgot im psychic, didn’t you?
nothing surprises me no more
heart went from my shoulder off to the ***** floor
i don’t care anymore, i swear to myself
that i don’t care anymore
in two, i’ll be ready to let it go.

Illusions are all I have
And all I need to be
Awake I imagine
When I sleep, I dream
Of perfect symmetry...

it’s like ice melting
no longer in the freeze
my state is changing now as
the frost is releasing me
it’s nonetheless still torturous
how much less centered
my emotions remain
as water expands and spreads
looking for a new form to take.

What do you do
When you’re stuck in between
Thorns.
Two beautiful ends
Not meant to be ignored.

A battlefield emerges
Inside my mind, it sets
Fires
Which burn my thoughts
And evaporates into water.

It flows, unstable, unsure
My heart begging for more
The ground on my feet
Once still and firm
Begins to disappear
As I long for her.

Living in a drought
A desert surrounds
I walk lost, in thirst
Each minute, getting worse
There's so much to put out
Yet when I speak, there's no sound
Just me standing on empty land
And a whole load of thoughts packed
They're waiting for me, I don't know who
It wouldn't even matter if I knew
All I know is that fear shouldn't stop me.
But I gave in, the fear of fear got to me.
So here I am, living through a drought
A desert and confusion is all around
So much thirst and nothing to put out
And not knowing what the hell this is about.

There’s no empathy from that I hold on to, I hope to stop hoping for help soon.
I’m not helpless, just paid less, no attention goes to a screaming silence.

I’m letting it all go soon. Would be surprised if they ask, where did she go to?
Lost sleep last night to my empty bedroom.
The sad faces I drew on my walls won’t even stay blue.

I cant feel worth as much as I know.
I miss my favorite things and yet I won’t, do the things to bring me to smile, and feel whole?

I only do things that bring me to tears, like this **** I wrote.

Once I made a wish as a kid
To lose time because it was all I had
Time crept slowly without progress
I just wanted the loneliness to pass.
In middle school, I wrote a poem
One 'bout time being lost.
Hours and days almost wasted
But I still felt too young.
Am I still too young?
Frozen in time?
While watching years
Themselves fly on by?
I feel like I'm stuck in a room
Simply staring at the ceiling
Been here so long that I haven't
Enjoyed life much as a human being.
I'm still siting in that room
Watching time pass by more
As I only write letters endlessly
To the outside world.

Life's much easier with closed eyes
And covered ears can hear no lies
Without looking back, I find the trust I need
When you take my hand and believe in me.
I dream of colors, red yellow and blue
Feeling at peace in my sweet youth
Your smile never fails to be like the light
That brightens the sky, providing me sight.

Closest thing to romantic I’ve felt were the times I’ve made you laugh
No other sign of affection meant more to me
Than that of us making spontaneous sounds while showing the ****** and body movements we’d make out of
Not being able to hold it in
I love our sense of humor
Cuz when we laughed together
It made me feel younger
each day
I wish that for you,
it did the same.
Isn’t that love in a way?

Words to describe yours
I can't think of just one
Because even if I could
I doubt it would be enough
To explain the way
Feelings are conjured up
From deep within
Each word read becomes
From writer to reader
An emotion given
I may not be the best poet
But I can feel and write
Share how I sigh when
I'm triggered by your lines
Your diction and flow
Your metaphors and tone
The way you take symbols
And make them all your own
I can't describe such beauty
With only one or two words
Every emotion expressed
Makes me yearn for more

so it hurts, the process getting there.
like how else am i supposed to ease myself.
all i do is pretend and act like i don’t care.
but at the end of the day, that won’t even help.
if you were to leave anytime soon, i’d regret the night i said i love you.
only because my heart, feeling so heavy now, wouldn’t be able to stop from breaking in two.
but you can go as you please, please don’t stay cuz of me.
best way to love is by setting this love of mine free.
don’t bother checking in, please don’t be sorry.
i’ll survive this on my own, no need to worry.
i’ve lived before you, and will live again soon.
this is just one more hell i gotta go through.
in the meantime, it helps to let it out now as i do.
hopefully in time, ill come out of it, feeling brand new.
so please go when you’re ready to go.
i only ask that you let me know.
then leave me be, so i deal with it alone.
the best way i know, writing about it on my own.

i recently tried writing you a poem and partially succeed.

but then I thought, it wasn’t sincere enough, you wouldn’t believe it.

i don’t want to write something I can easily just tell you aloud.

i want to write something that i can’t.
something that can only be expressed in written words better than said.
something to look back when I want you to feel that.

i want to write something that’ll make you feel something rather than know.
like seeing is believing, that’s what those feelings are for.

i rather not tell, it’s better for me to show.

sure there are words, but actions are worth much more.

if only you can see it from every angle, every side
where am i allowed to be myself?
only in my words and where i write
it seems like what i was, am doesn't deserve life
i pondered what to do with my struggle every night
help me god, i prayed, help me survive
i was told im too weird to live, but i didn't want to die
i couldnt change my kind no matter how often i tried
you swear this is living, having to hide?
expected to hold on, yet left alone to fight
i hate my oppressors, yet i'm told to be kind

You say I deserve better,
Someone who is complete
Then what difference would it make
For an equation to add me?
I don't look for perfection,
I create it with someone imperfect.
If they were at 100 percent,
What else could I add to it?
Because one plus half does not equal one.
It would be wrong to give me two.
I'd need another half, a different half
To create something beautiful and new.
Don't speak of necessity,
When it is just what I desire.
A little friction to start a spark.
A little friction to start a fire.

maybe in another life the chances will be different
I see you’re affected, your loved ones indifferent
you came to mind the other day, what would you even say
maybe things that came were final fate
maybe you knew well when was your due date
you figured it be better to go now, than to meet God late
when you couldn’t take it anymore, the longer you had to wait

I’m sorry we weren’t there when you needed it bad
you’re leaving now, don’t know when you’ll come back
we’ll find our way to you, I’ll promise you that
there’s no use in pleading when you’re already packed

they say we go in peace when we die on our own
I heard we as human beings only die alone
what’s the point of life if say we suffer the most
from having lost loves we wish we had known

how to save a life, is there even time
when a life is on the line and we can’t put other things aside
everything on demand, can we have a second to unwind
our loved one has passed on, leaving us behind

maybe in another life, the circumstances will be different
I see you’re affected, your loved ones are missing
you came to mind the other day, what would you even say
if only if only; it didn’t have to end this way.

Overdosed on E, I begin to believe
Something's meant to happen,
Something's meant to be
There, the signs are everywhere
There's no fooling me.
Your smile stays constant
Like the normal beating of a heart
While mine's speeds up like mad
Whenever I make you laugh.
There's a spark felt against my skin
When you place your finger upon it
There's a hint of sweeter affection
When you're looking at my direction
Some things you say, emphasize,
However it remains quite unknown
Just how much you try to disguise
More feelings than words alone--
The desire, it gets stronger with fuel
The ecstasy I feel remains cos of you
When the right time comes around, you will too
Or maybe I will, when I know it's really true.

Night falls shorter
Every time I lie awake
And my time runs away
From here while I wait
For the hope that shines
Around me, close
Yet continues to fade,
When I need it the most.

A passionate love must be exciting to feel.
Maybe that is why the chaos appeals.

Because I love you so much but does my love excite you?

Or are you convinced that it’s not real?

Did you manifest me?
Because everything I want, I get, and somehow you’re the cherry 🍒 on top that has me convinced, you actually are proof that it’s that easy to be valued back like I asked.

How could you desire to love me already when you barely know me?
In exchange for your love, I could give you the world.

I’m a selfish creature that can create kingdoms from chaos, but for the ones I love, I have abilities that can give them the throne.
But while my love is strong, it’s also fragile… at the sign of betrayal, all that existed for you would convert to dust. The tragedies from the past have yet to recover from themselves while I continue to be a force to be reckoned with.

I am a muse of desire. A muse with powerful capacity.
I’m here to inspire, to serve more than I look to be served.
But I serve not one person. I love. Regardless who you are.

If you love me back, like an alchemist, I will show you what worlds I could create with our love.