what is happy?
who is she?
we haven't spoken in awhile
it seems as if
we live on opposite sides of the world
for she no longer lives within my soul
she no longer dances on my lips
or on the different hues of blue
that live within my eyes
where has she gone?
i miss her so,
i desperately want her back
to kiss my swollen heart
and stop the bleeding

this time last year
i was a completely different person
i had a heart depleted of hope
and eyes filled with dark matter
all life was lost

this time last year
i left a relationship that was destroying me
a relationship that was grinding my bones into dust
just for amusement
just to see how far i could be pushed
until i would crumble

this time last year
i felt like dying
i felt like disappearing
running from this small town
to a place where no one knew my name

this time last year
i started meaning something to someone
someone who wasn't myself
and once again my world began turning

this time last year
i was at the lowest i had been in a long time
but i was also at my highest
a walking paradox
my body felt dead
but my soul was still breathing

and because of this time last year
and the people who started caring
i am here today
365 days later

i see the moon and she sees me
lighting up my bedroom walls
at half past three
she hums me lullabies telling me
that i am a child of the cosmos
made completely of stardust
i'm part of the universe you see
my atoms pieces of the galaxy
the protons and electrons that make up me
are the same ones that compose the milky-way
my home among the stars is already fabricated
a space etched out just for me
and when i die and my bones turn to ashes
i will return home and shine ever so brightly
among the sea of stars

she dances with the devil
she's a forbidden thing
a forbidden people
she converses with the master of manipulation
quite good at the language of lies
cloaking herself in kindness, in sweetness, and in light
she's watching you always, the things you say and write
waiting for the day your heart is not shining so bright
and when she sees you are hurting
she waits and waits
until the day you finally break
the day you collapse to the floor
and feel like the world is too much to bare anymore
then she walks right in, right through your front door
she uses your hurt and picks at your scars
she haunts you and haunts you
she's the shadow on the floor
she's a demon disguising herself among people
she spent too long dancing with pure evil

there is a part of her missing
and it's not hidden between the lines of her journal
or the baby hairs constantly tucked behind cold ears
a part hidden by too much sunlight
it's not secrets under fingernails
or worrisome thoughts engraved deeply into smile lines

a part of her is missing
but it cannot be found in books yet to be written
in artful lines and timid smiles
in the iris of her eyes
it's not mapped out by the freckles on her shoulders
or in the laughter spilling from her insides
it's not written in her tears
or in the dreams that haunt her

a part of her is missing
it cannot be found or unlocked by you
you cannot bring it out into the daylight
or hold it up to the moonlight
for she has to be the one to stumble upon
the part of her that she is missing

and i wonder if your heart throbs like mine does
if you have a dull ache in your chest like i do
if your ribs are splintered
if the butterflies are gone
i wonder if you hurt like i hurt
because i haven't felt 'normal' since you left
i don't think my heart will ever beat the same

ghosts keep knocking at the back door
tapping on windows
carving past mistakes into the floorboards

you see, ghosts are stuck in a melancholic haze
blind to the growth of a person
only seeing them in negative ways

so rather than allowing them to make a home in your chest
realize it is not you with a problem
it's their inability to give it a rest

four walls surround me
my things rest on shelves
and within dresser drawers
my name is etched into the pillows
claw marks on the mattress
clothing littering the floor
specks of my dna live here
it’s been
398 days
10 hours
42 minutes
and 36 seconds
since i unpacked
and still it doesn’t feel like home
my things surrounding me
but they don’t feel like mine
the walls sigh my name
but it doesn’t sound like my name
i am a stranger in this place
a place that is supposed to feel safe
a place where i am supposed to live freely
happily
i long so desperately for a space
where i don’t solely reside within my bedroom
trapped in the confines of my bed
a space where i don’t step quietly
not wanting too much of me to be seen
a space where i can sing and dance freely
where i can etch my truth into the walls
and talk to the skeletons in my closet
a space where i don’t feel my breath is limited
careful you don’t say the wrong thing
because the walls may collapse
because the streets may become all you know
i just want a space of my own
a space where the walls sigh my name
and i can say “yes baby, i’m home”

she tucked her feelings deep into the walls of her heart
with her quiet words and unwritten letters

you and i
we will never see each other again
there won't be shared smiles
an awkward hello
or an awkward goodbye
you,
you were a part of my past
a necessary part
a good part
a painful part
and in the moments
you held my heart in your hands
you were exactly what i needed most

tonight
the moon is brighter
the crickets louder
my heart larger
i've learned to love myself
the creases in my hands
the oddness of my mind
the way i give too many chances
even though i know i'm bound to be broken
i have fallen in love
with the poetry that spews from my lips
and how somedays my heart turns a shade of gray
because it's been damaged too many times
i have learned to love myself
because you can't trust others
to love you and your broken bits
to love your complications
to love your mind
you can't trust someone to always stay
for as soon as the days become rainy
they pack their bags and head to warmer weather
they fall for someone different
a soul with warmer hands
and eyes that resemble the moon
but soon enough the storm strikes there too
and they're right back knocking at your door
and tonight, i'm strong enough
to say goodbye

be tender with
whispered "i love yous"
be gentle with
promises of forever
use these words carefully
weave them slowly into your vocabulary
for they are the promises that hurt the most
when they are broken

eighteen, the year i fell in love and started writing again
the year i wore my heart on my sleeve
the year i was a little more reckless
and a lot more free

i use to hate the color green but soon it was my favorite
because his eyes were a dream
our love was fleeting because of me
3000 miles and a broken heart
i never got to make him feel like pure art

everything is so much sweeter in the dark
love affairs in your car
we gazed up at the stars
and hazel eyes made their way back into my heart
from seven years
to a broken heart
and now, a fresh start

eighteen
it was filled with
love, lust, and many memories
poetry, playlists, and many dreams
eighteen was lovely

though my memories of you have faded
and i no longer remember the colors in your eyes
you will live forever in the pages of my journal
in my words, you will never die

though my memories of you have faded
and i no longer remember the colors in your eyes
you will live forever in the pages of my journal
in my words, you will never die

and when you pressed your lips against mine
i swear i could taste every color in the sky

i would love to meet the girl
whose hands you worship
even after they broke you
cracking you into two
leaving you black and blue
the girl whose name
didn’t leave your tongue for weeks
mumbling it in your sleep
everlasting in the diary of your mind
oh how beautiful she must have been
to have you praising her
as if she were a god
sitting on your knees
worshipping her at her feet
even after she broke your heart in two
and oh how i wish i could meet her
to finally see the hands you craved
the one’s in which you loved to fall apart

your eyes mimic the forest we walk through
like a chameleon they blend in with the trees
filled with so many reds and browns and greens
you took my hand and pointed
to the sun shining between the leaves
my heart fell for you in this moment
wildly but with ease
it was here i said i loved you
quietly beneath the trees
and it is here that i made my home
never again wanting to be alone
for i fell madly in love with the boy
the boy with sharp white teeth and a forest within his eyes
the boy who i'm going to love for the rest of my life

you were forced at a young age to remove the rose-colored glasses
the ones that blur your vision of all negative things
forced to see the world for what it truly is through ocean eyes
at an age where you weren't ready
and because of this you've fallen deep into the void within yourself
surrounded by what you think is eternal darkness
your heart has fallen deep into the pits of your stomach
you look at what you don't think can ever be mended
and you've lost sight of love
you were a dealt a hand with many low cards
but you are so much more than the things surrounding you
you see the world in full color instead of black and white
and now you're discouraged, but why?
do you not see those stars in your eyes shining ever so brightly?
you think you are trapped in eternal darkness
what you do not realize is that you're a phoenix rising from the ashes
creating constellations with every breath you take
you're leaving your mark on this world with everything you write
providing hope for everyone in sight
you are so much stronger than you believe
you were created directly from the core of the earth
your bones made from iron and nickel
a creation of the universe
you've got stardust flowing through your veins
and electricity in your hands
you are so much more than you think
you are loved more than you believe
your cards may not have been kings and queens
but you're building universes with what you have
and that makes you extraordinary

the ghosts are back again
constantly knocking at the front door
begging to be let in
they say they miss me and my tired eyes
my tear stained eyes
my heartbroken eyes
they say they want to move back in
to make a home inside of my chest
they say they will keep me warm
keep me from being alone
they plead with me to unlock the door
so we can be together once more
but i will listen to the constant knocking
allowing it to lull me to sleep
for a new day will rise and the ghosts will sink away
and i will be happy

i am not the person you left behind anymore
i have new favorite songs, new bad habits, a new favorite color
my hair is different, my heart is different, my soul is different
the scars on my heart are now stars
i am shining brighter than ever
the freckles covering my skin are a map of my future and my past
i am lighter than ever
my smile tells stories of the places i've been
i am happier than ever
i'm not the person you left behind anymore
remanence of the past still lingers
but there is no one left here to miss

when i open my eyes
all i see are the ghosts of yesterday
their silhouettes dancing along my walls
in the morning light
i see all of the promises broken
wishes left unspoken
and my heart longs for something
something it's never truly known

but when i close my eyes
i see you and i
lost in the forest of your eyes
your lips deeply pressed against mine
fireworks illuminate the sky
and for once my heart beats slowly
it doesn't long for anything
for once i feel at home

the smell of boy
the faint smell of perfume
a crazy cat and a yappy dog
***** clothes litter the floor
the television constantly displaying some sort of video game
and a beautiful boy
with the most astonishing hazel eyes lying in bed next to me
this is happiness, this is home

i am chipped nail polish
and shaky hands
i am a yellow marker ran over black ink
a little tainted, but still lively
i am both the highest point on a mountain
and buried deep in the depths of the ocean
i am my own ocean
feeling the slightest ripple
every breath taken
every noise made
creating tidal waves out of nothing
i am a warrior
one who couldn’t hurt a fly
but battles depression within the night
and is constantly fighting anxiety hands on
i am meant to wander
bare feet on freshly cut grass
wildflowers scattered through a field
driving with the windows down
i don’t belong
my blue eyes are stuck on the sky
wondering what its like to be cool
to not constantly stumble over simple words
to have people be curious
about the words slipping through my teeth
to be desirable
what one’s looking for
to not be looked at weirdly for getting excited over
everything
poetry, art, daydreams, cute girls and cute boys
you see, i am simpler times
unsure times, messy times, good times
i am a part of time
and yet, i am afraid of being forgotten
fearful that people who meant most to me
won’t remember the colors of my eyes
or the vision i had for my life
my words meaning nothing
i just want to be a part of something
i am a part of something
a small speck among the sea of stars
i am there and i am shining
i am slowly leaving my mark
i am more than i give myself credit for
i am me, i am special
i am fuzzy blankets and daydreams
i am nightmares and tired eyes
i am everything and nothing all at once
i am me
a mess of a girl with eyes far too wide
trusting too much and saying too little
and above all else
i am loved

i sit curled up in an oversized sweater
the one you gave me because parts started to fray
and i don't know why you've never saw beauty
in the things that grow old
i draw swirls in the sand
like the ones in your eyes
as i watch the ocean waves crash into the shore
i watch and watch
admiring the force behind a single wave
thinking how in a moments notice
it could steal my life away
you are in love with the ocean
you used to love me
how ironic it would be
if the ocean was the thing that killed me

who knew five words could cause my heart to fall hard onto the tile floor beneath me

who knew five words could cause rivers to pour from my eyes, my swollen heart the only thing keeping me afloat

who knew five words could make me unable to leave my bedroom for weeks. a blue bird who had her wings clipped, a song bird locked in her cage

who knew five words could cause so much pain

i hope at some point she makes you think of me

i hope you go to say her name but stumble over mine with your twisted tongue because you always dated girls whose names started with 'm'

i hope when you are slowly tracing your fingertips along her spine, you close your eyes and secretly wish it were me you were tracing like the pages of your favorite book

i hope when you see her smile and cause an uproar of laughter from the depths of her soul, that you remember the way you described my smile as ever changing and now you will never get to see them all

i hope that when she reads you something she writes and the words are rolling off her tongue, you just stare at her teeth and think of the first thing i ever wrote for you

i hope at some point she makes you think of me, i hope she tastes like cold winter nights and has eyes that resemble the moon.

i hope she makes you happy.

someday i wish to be the poem
instead of the one writing the artful lines
i want to see myself
through someone else's eyes
i want to turn my heart off
to put my feelings on pause for awhile
to have someone else write about my smile
i want to be numb, for just a day or two
to take a walk in somebody else's shoes
i long to be the creation
the words from someone else's pen

i've went off on my own now
but you will always have a special place in my heart
my heart will still flutter at the sound of your name,  
for it will wake up the parts of me that have long been asleep
i've taken your photos off my bedroom walls now
and stopped listening to your favorite song on repeat
it's the little things that bring you back to mind
...
two people holding hands along the trail by your house
laughing like we used to
or
someone singing a little too loudly like all of the times i listened to you singing your favorites in the shower

everywhere i go someone or something reminds me of you and with every thought,
                            i shiver.

i imagine you think this is a love poem, but it's not
rather a poem of remembrance

i've went off to walk my own path now
but you will always have that place in my heart
a place that you pushed and shoved your way into,
a place tainted by your fingertips
fingerprints that are like the lipstick that stains your lips
long after you've removed it

i've gone my own way now,
but i will never rid myself of thoughts of you
no matter how hard i try

for 8 years i have been wrapped up in him
memorizing every part of him
the way you memorize
the lyrics to your favorite song
but despite sharing a bed
and falling into each other every night
i don't think he knows me
not really

he doesn't understand why i bite the insides of my cheeks
or pick my fingers ******
i haven't introduced him to the demons resting on my chest
or the skeletons in my closet
he hasn't had midnight conversations with the monsters in my head
never truly seeing all of the bad
the hurt
the confused
maybe it's time he danced with the things haunting me
took a look into the book that is me
i think it's time he knows me
really knows me

warm weather crept its way upon the cold january air
windows open and vinyl spinning
cats on window sills and candles glowing
and depression sinking into its foul lair
the seasons are changing, slowly
as well as the emotions residing within me
restored with a glimpse of warmth
flooding stale apartment air with the freshness of spring
truly allowing for new beginnings

lavender resonates in the air
of the bedroom, we never shared
the sheets are clean, never dirtied
for our love was never spilled there
only tears from tired eyes
tears from silent goodbye's
after love was dead and gone
and i was alone at dawn
so, desperate to put my eyes to rest
i ripped the lavender from my chest
the lavender that grew
from every whispered i love you
i doused my pillows and sheets
with every last bit hopeful for sleep
it's sleep i never got
rather just melancholic rot
and now the smell of lavender makes me sick
as it reminds me of you
and the days and nights that ended too soon

leaving doesn’t mean i didn’t care
or that i no longer liked the taste
of your lips pressed deeply against mine
leaving doesn’t mean i didn’t love you
it doesn’t take away the meaning
of words spoke
of feelings felt
leaving just meant i couldn’t keep
loving
you
for it was bad for my health
leaving, leaving, leaving
the most popular word in my vocabulary
a topic flooding my mind for months
repeating, repeating, repeating
make it stop

leaving looked like
a strict diet of fingernails
and bones crushed into salt
it was swallowing chalk dust to begin the day
shoving shards of glass into the scars of my heart
trying to get my feelings to change
*** and *** and *** and ***
maybe it would awaken the part of me that still loved you
it was ripping myself from the comfort of my own home
standing alone in the woods
it was being afraid of the dark
and nightmares upon nightmares upon nightmares
it was swallowing my own heart
but leaving you..
it lead to a fresh start

your heart is as dark as the color of your eyes
a black hole hidden within a person
sending lovers tumbling and tumbling
constantly falling
but never reaching an end
never reaching security
the toxicity of your love is tragic
and yet you do not know it
ink seeping from your teeth
poison words
lethal lullabies
a siren singing her seductive song
she paints herself a pretty picture
luring you into the vortex of her heart
a black-eyed beauty
waiting for her chance to shatter you
to make you fall
like stars from the night sky

i do a lot of things that i shouldn't
i daydream about things that i shouldn't
i write about things in messy blue ink that i shouldn't
i say things that i shouldn't
i fight for things that i shouldn’t
i overthink and obsess over things that i shouldn't
but i do these things anyway and i don't regret any of it
for i am leading a messy life
written in the messy ink of my favorite pen
i'm writing about all of the blues and blacks of this thing
this thing that i call my life
and i don't regret it
i don't regret messaging people that i shouldn't
apologizing for things that no longer hold any relevance
i don't regret dancing in the middle of meijer with my friends
or screaming at the top of my lungs in parking lots
when the world just gets too **** heavy
and i can no longer carry its weight on my shoulders
i don't regret burying myself in bottles of liquor and my favorite book
i don't regret the bridges i've burnt
or the one's i rebuilt
i don't regret kissing you at every red light
or sleeping with you on that cold february night
i don't regret venturing back into the arms of the person who hurt me
giving him a second chance
placing my heart in one hand
and a knife in the other
i don't regret any of it
i do a lot of things that i shouldn't
for they make my life a life worth living

the sun began to rise
and the soft morning light danced over us
your eyes flicker open
and i am engulfed in millions of colors
for you are stunning
and i am enamored by you

constellations line your back
your very own tattoo of the skies map
you've got stardust coursing through your veins
forever showing your heart the way
and you've got galaxies in your eyes
baby don't you see it
you were born to shine

dance with me
spin me around our bedroom in the dark
until my knees become weak and i can no longer feel my feet
dance with me
take me by the hand and crash with me hard into our bed
dance with me beneath these cotton sheets
our ballad will cause mountains to move and stars to fall
dance with me
allow our souls to collide
and our hearts to become one
dance with me
i want to spend the rest of my life spinning in your arms

i've always hated my middle name
lacking in individuality
a commonplace name
given to half the girls in my graduating class
it never sounded right
it never seemed like it fit
it didn't feel like it belonged to me
that is until you started to use it
my first name foreign to your lips
and somehow it made flowers grow around my rib-cage
restricting my lungs, causing me to catch my breath
in a good way
it made my cheeks rosy
for when you uttered those 5 letters
it sounded like wind chimes
a hummingbird's wings
my heart matching the rhythm
53 beats per second
for it was something no one else called me
a name far from unique
but you made it sound beautiful
you made it charming
a gesture so endearing

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
i hope it doesn't remember me
with patchy red cheeks
and sorrow in my eyes

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
i hope it remembers me
reading peacefully in my favorite chair
and laughing on roller-coaster rides

i hope i'm still beautiful
inside of your heart
for you are still beautiful
bright eyed and smiling
inside of mine

when you began to wear more gray shirts because i said i liked the color on you
when my favorite songs slowly found their way into your playlists
when your ****** expressions started to look a lot like mine
when you began to talk like me, using the same words as i
this is when i knew you were mine

these cotton sheets no longer wear your name like it's their favorite cologne, but the room surrounding this prison of a bed has yet to be decluttered of you

faded purple flowers sit in a vase on my desk, they've been there since my last good memory of you, back when you said you loved me too

a promise ring that no longer lives on my left hand, buried deep in the back of my jewelry box bound to be forgotten and stumbled upon years from now, when memories of you will make me smile instead of cry

and there's a box in the corner of the room with ******* letters on the side spelling out your name. inside sits the sweatshirt you gave me years before, headphones and a cd, pictures, tokens of our memories. folded nearly on top is a letter written to you, telling you that i'm still madly in love with you and your forest eyes, telling you that i don't think my heart will ever forget the man who brought it to life. on the backside of that letter is a poem asking why you ever came back if it was her the entire time

curiosity;
that's what the love we shared was made of
a sweet, sweet curiosity to see if i could fix you
and you could fix me

tonight, i lay in bed with my lover
legs tangled up together
feeling every breath he takes with the rise and fall of his chest
and i listen to the beat of his heart
telling me that this is forever

but what is forever and how long is it actually?
8 months? 10 years?
where will it take us?
an apartment complex with no AC but a love so endearing?
or a big house somewhere as we watch our kids play in the front yard?
or maybe just until morning
for when the sun rises you'll decide this isn't what you wanted
just capture the moment
right here, right now
because maybe forever only lives on in photographs
of things bound to be forgotten

all i know is that in this bed of memories is where i want to stay until i am nothing but dust and bones. and maybe flowers will grow from the ashes in honor of the love we share, resembling the hopes of forever. for maybe the bodies we inhabit won't live forever but the memories of the life we lived and the loved that lived within us will.

tangled hair falls just below my collarbones
dull blue eyes and a button nose
rosy cheeks and acne scars
i. am. ordinary.
i am not the girl with bright eyes and bubbly laughter
i'm not the girl you'll remember passing in the coffee shop
the one whose smile lit up the entire room
i'm not the girl you stay up late trying to figure out
the one you just can't get out of your head
i. am. ordinary.
i will not leave a footprint on your heart
nor am i the book you constantly reach for on the shelf
i do not remind you of the stars, the moon, or the sun
i. am. ordinary.
and i, like all ordinary things
am made for forgetting
and you will forget me

hummingbird heart
when your fingers touch my spine
electric shocks scuttle through my mind
bubbly laughter spills from my insides
bubble-gum tongue
cotton candy lips
and a billion stars dancing in your eyes
you hold me in your hands
a hot stone
shifting occasionally to relieve the heat
but never letting go
poetry personified
pure perfection
a golden heart and a soul full of sunshine
a dream come true
a story book ending
you are everything i have ever wanted

you claim i am unkind
swearing it by the dullness of my eyes
the sharpness of my tongue
the coldness of my hands

you swore it by the way i lunged
at anything that threatened me
anything that would protrude the barrier
i had built around myself

but where were you
when my eyes were
their bright blue hue
when my tongue wasn’t sharp
but soft and sweet
and i didn’t flinch
at the harshness of others

where were you
before the world got to me
and made me cold
where were you
when i warmed myself back up
finding everything light in the world
learning to love again

you claim i am unkind
which is fine
nobody is nice all of the time
but you only saw one moment
you didn’t see yesterday
you didn’t see tomorrow
you saw me battling the darkness
when i let the rotting, define me

where were you
when i stopped
letting the world define, me
and i began to define myself

your eyes once reminded me of a forest
filled with oak trees and evergreens
i moved in without a second thought
and made my home among the trees
dwelling in the woods that thrived in your eyes
but quickly i learned it was all an illusion
for the trees shed their color
and i was trapped in seclusion
the forest in your eyes was filled with nothing but darkness
a place haunted by past lovers
of dreams
and things long forgotten
i was added to the list of things no longer wanted
i wanted nothing else but to leave
but i got lost within the eternal darkness
and here i am, nemoricultrix

i use to highlight all of my favorite parts
of every single poetry book i ever read
covering the lines in neon yellow
notes scribbled on the side
of how a certain line made my heart drop
i use to doggy ear the pages
of my most favorite poems
or just so i wouldn't lose my spot
but you hated the splatters of neon yellow
and the scribbles of intimacy on the side
you disliked my folding of the corners
it was silly to leave my mark on a book
that wasn't even mine
no longer does neon yellow ink trace my favorite lines
pages are free from crinkled corners
and notes about the way the artful lines
made my heart do flips
and made my eyes drip
just black and white pages
no trace that i have ever been there
for now
i feel everything in silence
you made me silent

we met when we were both unraveling.
i was speeding around in my car with music blaring not caring if one day i never went home and you pushed away the truth because you didn’t like the sound of other peoples opinions

you were a breath of fresh air, someone who cared about the crazy thoughts in my head and you called them poetic when sometimes i wish you would’ve just reminded me that it’s okay to cry, i don’t have to appear happy and strong all of the time

i was a thunderstorm of emotions and as i stood in the pouring rain i watched as my house burned down. instead of opening up and telling you i let it rip apart my insides because i didn’t want to burden you with the reality that you couldn’t fix it, you couldn’t fix me

i was a book shut tight, with an unbreakable lock keeping me closed and you were silent and didn’t like the taste of my name in your mouth until it was too late. together we were a mess, a storm of emotions, an unhealthy love affair