i was madly in love with him
and the twilight that danced in his eyes
his laughter contagious
and his body pure art
he shined so brightly
even in the dark
he was everything to me
i loved him
with my entire heart
and sometimes,
he loved me too

there are so many who don't even have to try
born to be social butterflies
they've got friday night hearts
and party light eyes
crafted from pure sunshine
their words are glitter laced
and their smiles warm and inviting
born with swift tongues
and dancing feet

then there are those
born to the world of nature and art
they've got sunday morning hearts
and stars in their eyes
crafted from pure moonlight
their words laced with daisies and moonflowers
crooked smiles and rosy cheeks
born with clumsy tongues
and two left feet

- so, which are you? a soul crafted by the sun or the moon?

"you're so strong"
something i have heard a billion times
because i know how to fake a smile
and stop the tears from flowing from my eyes
i am not strong
but i am not weak
i'm just struggling

you don't see everything
you don't look past the curtain of artificial sunshine
or take the time to read the book that is me
you don't see the nights consisting of no sleep
of vomiting and crying
laying on the cold bathroom floor
the days i don't want to live anymore
the days where changing my clothes
is far too hard

i am struggling
carrying around concrete feet
dragging a backpack full of bricks
handfuls of emotions
of trials
of errors
and no space to put them
but smiling for all of the right people
saying the things i know need to be said
keeping attention far away
because to you, i am strong
to you i can concur the world
and oh how i wish i could

i called him sweet
for nectar dripped from his lips
and a pink tint stained his cheeks
looking away at every compliment made
he always knew what to say
dipping every word in honey
he was sweet
he had a sugar coated smile
but the aftertaste was not worth one's while

hot pavement on bare feet
scraped knees and bruised shins
sunburnt shoulders and a never fading smile

what i would give to be a child again
to not know of all the bad in the world
to know just the old lady next door
and my best friend who lived across the street

what i would give
to have my rose-colored glasses returned to me
my biggest fear, my best friend not wanting to play with me
or the monster hiding under the bed
spending days in the front yard
reading far too many books
writing way too many stories

what i would give
to not know what a broken heart felt like
to never have wished for my own death
to have never spent nights on the cold bathroom floor
to still think i was worth the world
to not for a moment, become the person i never wanted to be

what i would give
to take back my innocence
to take back that never fading smile
for my worst hurt to be
falling and scraping my knee

take me back
to hot pavement and bare feet
sun kissed hair and bruised knees

tell me how you're able to do that
how do you carry all of those stars in your eyes?
how do you breath in the negativity and breathe out light?
tell me how you filled your heart with liquid sunsets
and your soul with symphonies
tell me these things
and i'll tell you how extraordinary it is to have fallen in love with you.

i am writing and writing but nothing good is coming from these ink stained pages. the smell of lemon grass surrounds these brick walls and a feeling all too familiar fills my soul. flashes of bubbly laughter and eyes so alive. the sun shines through the window casting light onto the walls surrounding me, but despite all of the light all i see is darkness. despite only writing about the good, about the soft and warm things, about love and lust. despite thinking only of your hands tangled in my hair and your lips deeply pressed against my neck, the things that should set my skin on fire but instead leave me ice cold. unable to feel the warmth, trapped in the winters of yesterday, my favorite sweater no longer bringing comfort.
maybe i am lost
maybe i am alone

it's almost completely silent
in the bedroom we share
except the whirring of the fan
and the constant buzzing of your phone
anger sits stale in the air
my heart sinks with every text message you send
for it isn't your words calling out to me
asking me to just lay in bed for awhile
holding hands in silence

this is a letter to all of those
who stumbled upon my dull eyes
and poetic words

i apologize to those who participated in
whispered i love you's and dreams shared
for watching from afar as your cared for me
a half of a whole

you held my body, empty
my soul scooped out of myself
like an acorn squash during winter months
nothing left but the skin
and my soul out among the wildflowers
searching for the missing parts of me
searching for my home

i placed my body in your hands
letting you sip the wine that made up me
drizzling you in honey, in sweetness, and in light
for i knew you would protect me
scrawling poetry into the broken bits
the unfiltered bits
you would cause me to feel something on cold winter nights

i am sorry that when my soul stumbled home
bringing home the bits that were missing
that you were left alone
standing in the dark under streetlights
unsure of where you went wrong
broken promises and dreams in your hands
drowning in your own love
suffocating on your sunshine
cursing yourself for loving too hard

i am sorry for hurting you
but thank you for loving me
even when i left you lonely

you tell me that it didn't matter
that she didn't matter
but EVERYTHING matters
every drip from the leaky faucet
to every ray of sunlight shining through the window
every tear that has ran down a cheek
to every pebble in the street
everything matters
everything is part of a story
and she is part of yours
for a moment,
she was all that mattered

why do you continue to check up on me
the constant opening of closed doors
silent messages left for me to decipher

why do you haunt me like this
creeping up on me during twilight hours
your grasp tight on me as darkness settles
the moon illuminating my silent bedroom

after we locked the doors the first time
why didn't you stay gone
you should've stayed gone

my hand reaches across the sheets for you
and rather than pulling you close
i am left with a handful of emptiness,
the other half of my bed left ice cold
instead of harboring your warm body
yet, from miles and miles away
you're able to leave me speechless,
breathless even
so i will hug your pillow closer tonight
breathing in what's left of your cologne
until you return home

our entire love affair was built upon broken bones and splintered hearts
music blaring and adventure in your heart, you said my eyes looked
like the moon and my smile crafted from pure sunshine
your gray eyes captivated mine, but only for a short time
for our lips collided, your earth shattered and mine stayed the same
in the blink of an eye car rides in late may faded away
5am calls saying you were outside no longer came
terrible comedy shows no longer play
and your hand is no longer intertwined with mine
you were looking for forever and i for a good time
you fell in love with my broken bits and ink stained hands
but i didn't fall for you and your starry eyes

my world hasn't stopped spinning since you left
diagnosed with vertigo
a constant whirl of hazel eyes
a monotone voice on replay
a skipping record in my head
unsure of which direction i'm going
one second i'm next to you in bed
wrapped in white sheets
your breath hot against the back of my neck
and the next
i'm surrounded by darkness
i turn for you and
i sink deeper into this empty bed
love becoming a word covered in dust
i am covered in dust
trapped in the memories of yesterday
trapped in my own head
constantly spinning

vengeful is she
who had her heart broken
who heard your lies softly spoken
vengeful is she
whose eyes are locked on your gaze
who has ink dripping from her teeth
for poetry is her weapon
and that swollen tongue of yours
is just another page in her journal
for every lie told
she carves a truth into the back of your throat
cramming each page further and further
until you choke on your lies
until you swallow your truths whole

with ocean eyes and words drizzled in honey i pulled you into the whirlpool that is my heart

for a while we spun beneath the stars
laughing in each other’s arms
for you had found a place you thought was safe
and i had found a boy who fell too quickly for the tides in my eyes

around and around we spun
our hearts beating to the same drum
you never let go of my hand
for you finally found a place to let your eyes rest
and a head to lovingly lie on your chest

but things got ever so rocky
when you got trapped in the vortex of my soul
you walked away with blood shot eyes
and tear stained cheeks
i walked away with my eyes a little more gray
from the tears that dripped down your face
a pen dipped in the inkwell of your heart
and a story to write about a boy who fell too hard

you're like a dog
running back to its owner
the owner who first abandoned it
back to the owner who abused it
having loyalty to all the wrong things
faith in all the wrong places
love for all the things that hurt them

you don't want her to consume your thoughts
to fill your dreams, your nightmares
so instead, you make her your muse
you write about her in messy blue ink
you let her come back to life on the paper in front of you
just to see her dance one more time

you are like a dog
loyal to all of the things that hurt you

why did you come back?

why did you write poems along my inner thighs and trail your fingertips along my spine as if i were your favorite book if you had no intentions of staying?

why fill my heart with liquid sunsets and my eyes with the most extraordinary constellations if you weren't going to stay awhile and admire the beauty of the affect you have on me?

why did you whisper "i love you", read my favorite poems, and cause flowers to grow deep within my rib cage?

why come back and make me feel as if everything was alright?
that this, this was our second chance and that you and i were the beginning of something beautiful

why strip me to the bone and see me at my most vulnerable when you were just going to rip the flowers from my rib cage to give to her?

why come back if it was her the entire time?

let me grow among the wildflowers
let me bust through the pavement
and grow wherever i so please
set my soul free
release me from this world
where society
                           magazines
                                                and tv
tell you who to be
how you should look
how you should speak
is this really the life you want to lead?
where you are a walking copy
a construction of society
being fed opinions
                                   dreams
                                                 and fantasies
strip your face of make-up
and burn the magazine
escape the cage you live in
become the song bird you were meant to be
set yourself free
go sit among the wildflowers
and see how good different can be

i've found heaven
stumbled upon it accidentally
more than a time or two
swirled in different hues of blue
hidden within a timid smile
tucked into the words of my favorite song
i've found it within the hearts of strangers
the ones who hand me things from the top shelf
the ones who go out of their way to paint a smile on my face
i've found it buried in the hazel eyes of my lover
in his generosity that knows no bounds
in his warms hands and gentle embrace
stitched into his ever so caring heart
i've found it in family
blood and not blood
in their unconditional love
in their way of always making me feel wanted
heaven is right there
it's within arms reach
a golden sheen just waiting to be seen
defog your tired eyes and begin to really see
see the beauty in everyday things
the little things
sometimes i think we forget
heaven isn't that far away

it is so, so easy
to write about cold beds
and tear stained cheeks
yet, it is difficult
to write of memories,
                                       of thoughts,
                                                       ­      of happiness
the things that could illuminate city streets
so for now,
i will lay my head to rest
and come morning
i will write about the bright,
the stars that shine despite the night

let me tell you about the sunshine girl
cloaked in copious shades of yellow
radiating kindness and hope
from every atom of her being
a single girl who is brighter than the universe in its whole
she has a heart filled with celestial beauty
and hands that carry galaxies
always found on her rooftop
admiring the moon and her stars
or
van gogh's sunflowers
loving that he and she alike
swallowed yellow paint in search for happiness
using the brightness of yellow
to escape the darkness of their minds for awhile
and while you think she's just admiring
the moon
poetry
and paintings
deeply thinking
or daydreaming
she's really waiting for a shooting star
to hear her wish
and take her far, far away from here

that girl will turn you into poetry
she will write about the way your starry eyes shine so brightly
when talking of the things you're passionate about
she will write about falling in love with a mind more potent than
any drug and laugh like wind-chimes
she will write about the way your voice sounds at 3am, the way your
eyes crinkle when you smile, and the way you look at her when you say "i love you"
that girl will turn you into poetry
she will catch every little thing you do
every tilt of your head, every fidget with the sheets, every nervous laugh, and every shy smile
she'll analyze the meaning behind them and put them on paper because she's fallen in love with the things you didn't even realize you were doing
that girl will turn you into poetry
she will memories the feel of your hand in hers, the shape of your mouth, and the sound of your heart thumping as she lies on your chest
that girl will love you like a poet
so be gentle, for many poets die of a broken heart

you cannot erase me or my existence, despite how hard you try. so, drink until you think you've forgotten my name.. or at least the sound of my voice. erase those 2am text messages declaring how much you loved me. delete those pictures of poems that i wrote for you. do as you please but whether you like or not, i am a part of your story. a scar in the back of your mind, a bleach stain in the depths of your heart.

the leaves are falling from the trees
a bundle of reds and browns and greens
the cold air begins to settle in
it rests on your chest, making its home there
slowly becoming a never ending shiver
the color dropping from your eyes
just like the dying leaves
your eyes soon become as dull as the naked trees

but i will swallow the sun to keep you warm
holding you between my arms
allowing the reds and browns and greens
to continue to thrive in your eyes
i will tuck away the cold
for the iciness of autumn brings the falling apart
and i would rather fall together

and when you say my name
i hope it burns like whiskey in the back of your throat
i hope it rips at your insides
just like you did to mine
because you kissed her
after you had spent the night kissing me
you took me out to a movie and dinner
then ****** me beneath your sheets
only to go to a ball game the next day
to watch fireworks, explode in the sky
and the whole time she was sitting by your side
kissing you and staring into your eyes
you sat and told me you loved me
that i was the girl of your dreams
that you would never do anything to hurt me
you wrote it with your lips onto my skin
etched it into the depths of my heart
your name flowing through my veins
only for me to find
that you've been telling her you loved her too
etching the same words into her heart
telling her that she was your world
that is was she who made you happier than you've been
in a long, long time
you had to decide between both her and i
two girls with ocean eyes
and when you chose her
my heart died
and here i stand a half of a whole
with no idea where to go