the blankness
utter blankness
spiraling through the night
trying to latch on
no i say
let go of me
shaking it off
feeling it's teeth sink in once more
i go limp
the stars above start to spin
and my mouth goes dry
i cannot feel anymore
just my senses and i
alone

words escape my lips
      before i can restrain them

they are brutal murderers
      cold and unforgiving

i wonder if i'll get a life sentence
      for the things i have said

is there is a possibility of parole?
      or simply a life behind bars?

my own danger shocks me
      rattles me to the core

i never knew i could be capable of such things
      never knew i could say that to someone i loved so dearly

but the words are gone
      drifting in the breeze

constantly searching until they reach
      the ears of the person they will hurt most

the ocean churning
so glistening and frantic
far above my head

staring out windows
her calloused hand in mine is
all i can think of

smell of alcohol
his breath hot on my cool neck
i tried to run but...

miniature casket, hearts full of regret

a piece of advice-
don't let moments pass you by
fear's the enemy

someone once told me people do their best dreaming while they're asleep.

i don't buy it.

on the contrary,
i think people do their best dreaming whilst awake.

that's when they're the most tangible,
and are more easily remembered,
or acted upon.

take action!
stand up, don't wallow in self pity and hopelessness.

don't you want to taste achievement on your tongue and feel accomplishment swell inside your chest?

you want something?

then get up and go get it!
no one's holding you back.

do your best dreaming when you're awake.

a small dew droplet
sits atop a bright green leaf
morning air is a gift

it's nights like these
that my mind becomes my own worst enemy.

when i put on a rope necklace,
and pour myself a tall glass of bleach.

imagining what it would be like to have all the pain stop,
and for the static noise to be silent for once.

it's enough for me to go through the motions,
preparing to end it all.

but i wake up from my trance each time,
realizing the truth of the world.

i undo the clasp of my necklace of rope,
and pour the bleach down a drain.

the razor blades go back in the drawer,
and the pills back in the bottle.

waiting until next time.

it's nights like these where i almost do...
but don't.

writing poetry, for me, has become like a eating disorder.
although instead of consuming,
i'm the one producing.

each day i strive for this unattainable image,
this glorified idea of what i might become,
and the parasite in my brain grows.

i force my finger down my throat,
causing words to come bubbling up.
and each time they are more vile than the last,
a sour odor wafting from them.

my mouth burns from the acid but it tastes like victory.
because at least i created something.
and i leave my poetry there to rot,
refusing to admit i have a problem.

too blind to understand that each time i do this i'm slowly killing myself.
i'm hungry for something that can sustain me,
but i reject every antidote.

my fingers explore
new territory that is
a vessel of flesh

boiling hatred
rises from the depths of me
directed at you

we come to an end
both our hearts go down in flames
unable to love

make it work
make it happen
take what you've got
use what your given

turn something old
into something new
but whatever it is
make it you

don't give up
work long hours
remember that you
have all the power

the pain is hard
i won't lie
sometimes all you
can do is cry

but you pick yourself up
get back on your feet
because you know
that you cannot be beat

in the end know
you'll be proud
flaunt your finished product
don't be afraid to be loud

i'm a broken mess
this pile of flesh and bones
doesn't feel like home

like a perfect storm
my anger brews

wind chill low and
intensity high

i roar through the towns
leaving wreckage in my wake

never once looking back
at the damage i have inflicted

who knows where i'll go next
a storm is unpredictable, you see

there may not be a tomorrow
but there sure as hell will be a tonight

i swirl over raging waters,
growing stronger as we speak

this hurricane inside me is forceful
and the eye may be inviting

but don't ignore what is
closing in all around you

i can destruct whatever i please
with no one being able to stop me

until one day

i diffuse

as i hug your body close to mine,
i feel my grasp tighten,
and my fingers clutch at folds of fabric.

this goodbye will break me.
you're the only thing holding me up,
and the second i let go i will crumble.

how could i become so dependent,
on you,
on this single soul?

be strong, they say, be fearless,
because fear is the enemy.
i ignored them.

but as i stand here,
holding you in an embrace for the last time,
every ounce of me is filled with remorse.

i regret not doing so many things,
simply because i was too afraid to.
fear was the enemy.

lessons learnt far too late,
my courage only now found.
but you're already gone.

america spoke
they want a new man in charge
is this when i leave?

i walk home in rain
my hood down, my face exposed
hair is drenched when done

the silence is killing me.
     everyday we don't talk feels like eternity.

your blank stares are painful.
     it's enough to make me go mental.

i try to excuse you.
     but do you know what i'm going through?

the sky a faint grey
suddenly turned black as night
wind roars, thunder cracks

oh the agony
waiting by the phone for you
but it never rings

they call me liar
believe what you want, my friend
because i don't care

a leaf spirals down
the first to fall of many
the season's changing

a dream is a wish
that your heart makes late at night
whilst gazing at stars

her fingers dance
over flower petals.

the pinkish hue
slowly turning to red.

as the movement quickens,
her digits dampen.

the soft caressing
escalating to furious fondling.

the sheen of her skin
is bright from the sweat.

angelic moans escape her lips,
and her back arches.

the ****** of the story-
after all, this is what she came for.

how can what feels so heavenly
be considered so unholy?

the world can be cold
cruel, unforgiving, horrid
but sometimes there's warmth

i remember what it was like to call you mine
to feel your breath against my neck
and to be able to drag my fingers across your soft skin

i remember brushing your hair away from your shoulder,
making way for my lips to kiss your collarbone

and i remember what it was like to see you cry,
the night you told me that you loved me
but had to go

i was lost for awhile,
until i moved on
made my way around a circle of lovers
giving away parts of myself

it's been two summers
but my heart still remembers you

i will keep it real
even when they're fake as ****
i promise you that

chemicals wafting
the sharp smell stings my nostrils
but it feels so good

the dreams are gorgeous
but i loathe the aftermath
of morning waking

a poem's just a poem
until there's meaning to it
then it's everything

not a day goes by
that i do not think of you
and how you left me

i cover my ears
as a bottle hits the wall
nearly missing me

i heard the siren.
    i heard the shrieks tear through the night,
but i couldn’t see anything.
    i thought i felt your hand,
but my fingers grasped at shreds of cloth
    and all i found was theft.

a sudden breath of air,
    my arms dancing by my sides-
my body knew this routine but my mind didn’t.
    my bloodstream suddenly infected,
i realize i lost count.

a tiny white gateway.
    it sneaks down my throat,
makes a home in my abandoned shack of a body.
    not long now…

and i wondered-
    "is this what it's like to be dead?"
there’s no one waiting for me.
    not anymore.

so you can call, my friend.
    but i won't hear you.
my eyes don’t search anymore,
    i'm not coming home.

the glow that once came from my house will be dim.
    because sometimes
        the lights
            don’t
                turn
                   ­ on.

a bump on the skin
foreign abnormality
that i must have missed

a kiss, my dear,
for old times sake.
swallow your pride
and just let go.

please embrace me
like you used to.
i want to feel
longing again.

emotions gone,
missing once more.
i do not know
if i'll survive.

holes in my heart
that you once filled,
are cavernous
craters, i know.

but move forward,
i tell myself.
do not look back,
smile through pain.

vivid imagery
plays through my dangerous mind
like an ancient film

i often thought that life would falter
that the sun would set too early one day,

and everything would be gone in a flash.

what i did would be in vain,

and my story would disintegrate into a distant memory of some mysterious girl.

i wondered if it was worth it.

but life is only what you make of it,

so i try to make it memorable.

though the memories will all be gone one day,

and i will be no more.

the cozy nights in
spent cuddled up next to you
my serenity

bubblegum popping
you reminded me of sin
with scent sickly sweet

you know better than to fall in love with me.

you know better than to look at me with those pleading eyes of yours.

because you know i am weak and will always give in.

i don't want to have to wake up early in the morning just to escape through the window,

because i know you'll be crushed to find my side of the bed cold once again.

if you pull my sweater like that i may just fall...

but i'm afraid to fall back into love.

so for now please behave yourself and keep your hands at your sides.

this is the only way- i don't want to hurt you.

but you know if you give me that smile i will always fall back into your bed.

i'll always come back.

right before you kiss
that fraction of a second
words cannot describe

lust is powerful
it always consumes the mind
dominating thoughts

her hands exploring
every inch of my body
shivers wouldn't stop

people call me danger.

they say it with bile in their throats
and venom on their tongues.
they hurl it at me,
hoping it will leave me a mark,
but it never does.

people call me danger as an insult,
but i take it as a compliment.
danger awakes you
and excites you.
danger makes you feel something again.

i'm glad that i am capable of doing that to people.

if you remove danger from life,
what more is left than only a mundane existence?

we remember moments of danger for the entirety of our lives.
the moments we spend scared are the ones that stick with us.

i walk down the hall with danger written on my back,
making the hearts of those around me beat faster and faster.
it gives me a sense of power,
a confidence of sorts.

fear is my ally,
not my enemy.

so you can call me danger all you want,
i won't object.

the bewildered man
stumbles through his strict routine
say, cherchez la femme

at first i was angered.
your words poked the place in my heart
where all had rotted away and a gaping hole was all that was left.
i wanted to scream, shout, get my point across.

but then i stopped.
i thought about what i wanted to say,
and i realized that attack wasn't the solution.

i started to become disappointed.
i felt sorry for you,
and the lack of love in your heart.
i pitied your closed mind and judgements,
but i didn't want to hurt you.

what good would it do?

so i'll let you on your way,
enabling you to make the same mistakes over and over.

i hope one day you'll learn the truth.

but until then, i do not hate you.
i have only love for you.

take note.

i stand on the edge,
toes curled over,
urging me to step forward,
just one step,
just one,
you can do it,
believe,
step,
step...

the wind whips by me,
grabbing my hair as if trying to pull me towards it,
and i close my eyes;
if i close my eyes it doesn't seem so scary,
if i close my eyes i could just be walking down the street,
close your eyes,
eyes closed...

i don't hear anything any more.
the people in my classes,
dogs barking in backyards,
no more satellites.
i pass faces in the hallway but all they are are smudges.
it's like i'm part of this modern art piece but i don't know who the artist is.
god?
are you there?
no answer.
but maybe i'm screaming into an empty sky.

below me is the sea.
an ocean of pebbles and grass,
rolling what seems to be a mile down.
four stories can seem like a lifetime to be falling.
falling,
falling,
free-fall,
no destination,
my final destination.

from my trestle i take one last surveillance of the world i know.

my body goes limp...




then he grabs me.