A dizzy kind of energy
From who-knows-where
Heart pumping
Vibrant
They found me in “rare form”
What?
“You’re just so... happy!”
Huh... am I??
I’m not, I promise
Just energized
Still sad inside
Idk... I feel okay
I’m {almost} always okay
But today
I can fake it
I can be productive
Alive
Or at the very least
I can pretend very well
And perhaps someday
I’ll feel it again...

Is it-
Is it self destructive
To look for ways
To take advantage of oneself?
To seek out pleasure
But only if it means pain?
Perhaps it's a coincidence,
But I always seem to
Be looking for
New ways
To hurt
Myself
In
Secret

finally
weakness.
the energy expelled
fatigue in my heart
exhaustion in my mind
lethargy in my body
now to enjoy the aftermath
something old stirs
memories... desires
just sleep
you’re done fighting for now
you’ve done enough
it’s time to rest
time to rebuild
enjoy the feeling
of defenses broken down
just like you wanted
to allow yourself to be weak

This sickness?

Being yelled at for throwing tantrums
That were really panic attacks

Beating yourself, hurting yourself
Because you made a mistake

Being confused that no one had hurt you
But you were always in pain

Being told to just calm down
And to stop overreacting

Being unsure if you want to be better
Because maybe it’s just your personality

Not trusting yourself anymore
Because there’s medication in your head

Wanting to feel numb
Because inside everything hurts

Wanting to get high
Because inside you feel numb

Always wondering if you’re okay
And knowing the answer is probably “no”

So if you want to know
What it is that ails me
This is it
This is what I’m fighting

I used to know
What I was
I was perfect
As close as I could be
Smart, kind, mature

When I ******* up
I would beat myself
Until I was so sick
Of being me
Because I was perfect

Barely breathing
Over thinking
Not quite healing
From everything I did
To myself

Now, I'm a mess
I'm not perfect
Like I thought I was
I hurt, ache, cry
Deeply, infinitely confused

I've twisted myself
Into a knot of consciousness
And the only one to blame
Is still
Me

Trigger warning: Suicide


What’s it like
To want to live?
To fall asleep with a desire to wake?

How do you look forward to things
When everything is wrong
And excitement
Only brings disappointment?

I can’t remember
Days I wanted to be alive

I can’t find anything worth living for
I can feel it in my body
The aching everywhere
Crying out in existential agony
Because I don’t want to be here
And it knows that
My heart and body know it
But I can’t... I can’t quite do it

So I just... I wonder about people
What keeps them all alive?

They have something I do not

But I fear it’s something I cannot have

Hello there,
I’m lonely and desperate
I’m fighting my own mind
I eat to fill gaps in my soul
I love to wallow in self-pity
I like to think I’m special
I’ve pushed away all my friends
I’m too scared to get high
So instead I drink coffee ‘til I shake
My smiles are often very fake
I have no idea who I am
I’m either a very troubled individual
Or I’m a terrible drama queen
And truth be told,
I kind of like it like this
What’s wrong with me

tw: self harm


I’m ready to go home and bleed
It’s relaxing
Calming
De-stressing

How did I get here?
When did self damage become normal?
When did hurting myself become coping?
When did I decide that was better?
When did it become a habit?
When did it become a craving?
When did it become an addiction?

When I get bored
I don't play games
I don't do work
I use my brains

But not for good
Just like I should
Instead I wander
And life, I ponder

When I get bored
I want to play
In places dark
Deep, awful, strange

I let my thoughts
Consume me whole
And start a fire
Inside my soul

I like its thrill
Its toxic rush
Within this mind
My own chaos

I hear the phrase everywhere
"Dead Inside"
Which inside is dead?
My brain is inside my skull
Obviously it is still alive
Jury's out on my mind
Sometimes thriving, sometimes dying
Thinking, creating, and wishing not to
My spirit...
It's not doing well these days
It wants to wallow in self pity
My soul is so alive
It forces me to move ahead
When everything else wants to quit
Dragging me on
My life support

TW: Self Harm


If I’m willing
What’s so wrong?
If I want to watch myself bleed
Why shouldn’t I?
If it offers relief
If it’s satisfying
If it eases the never-ending agony
Of breathing
Why shouldn’t I slit my wrists?

I either just took
Amazing care of myself
Or I just died thrice

Trigger warning: Suicidal ideation, self harm


meaningless
worthless
stupid
******* futile existence!!!

Do everything precisely right
Get everything wrong anyway
So just give the **** up
Walk away
And now it's your fault
Because you didn't try hard enough
Never good enough
Never good enough


N̶̢̳͍̗̩̮͙͊ȩ̷̧̹̺̤̐̑́ṽ̷͚̟̭̰̟̈́e̵̤̥͕̜̘͙̹͐̅͂̑͋̚r̷̮͇̠̐͌͐ ̷̢̡̘͛ͅg̸̙̠̀͆̔͘o̴͈̽͋ō̴̺̺̈́̊͝d̴̛̮͍̥̔͋͒̉͌ ̶̡͉̫̯͉̥̹̈͗́͋͝e̵͚͎̊͒̏̇͘ń̴̡̩̪̭͖̹̤̇͘͘͝o̵̼̿̽û̵̙̀͒͂͑g̷̲͈̳̉̃͛̽͋h̷̽̿͘̕­͍̱̟͚͒̔͝


So you look for escape
They've all made it look so good
Oh... no not you... you can't have that yet
Never even ******* offered
Never any fun
Never any pleasure

NEVER ANY KIND OF REWARD

NOTHING TO SHOW

FOR ALL OF MY EFFORTS

so yeah

yeah, i've started giving up

yeah, i take a blade to my skin

yeah, i steal every sip i can get

yeah, i just want to be g̸̛̻̯̦̘̠͕͕̻̓͛̇͛̌̅̀̎͜͝ó̵̙̰̱̮̙͚̜̼̙̯̤̲͚̜͖̬̦̏̈̀͋̽̎̾̅̌͒̒̈́̈́͊̕̕͘̕n̵͖͗͛͝­̨̢̬̭̠͇͉e̶̡̮̥̜̮̖̝͕̠̩͑̒͆͒̊̑͆̈́͑̂͐̒̄͐̕̕͜͠͝͝


But what the hell do you expect
When you've treated me like trash
Used and abused me
Over and over again
Never there for me
Just there to take pride in me
Because that's what you all do
you take
and you take
and you take take take


Y̴̗̞̰̮̹̪͕̹̟̑̑̑̀͊̑͛̒̀͒O̸̧̧͉̟̬͕̟̠̞̠̟͕̩̿̎́̀̋̈̑̂̈́̇͒͊͒̌̏̃͘͝Ũ̸̐­̧̡̨̱͍͕̱̘̪̞̻͉̦̖͈͇̗͍̑̓̂́̽͌̾́̄̑̋̍ ̷͎̻͇͇̌̏̀̈́͒̍͆͋̐̊̊͜Ţ̷̧̡͉̗͍͓̺̖̦̙̫̺̰̝͎̏̈́̐͛̽̓̏̕͜͝͝͝A̵̾̐̉̓̏͊͛̇͆͆̋̎̈́̈́͗͝­̧̡̖͎̟̯͓̹̺͚̰̜K̷̛̳̇̍̎̾͋̌͊̕͝͝͝E̷̛̘͊̐̀̃̈́͒͛͗̽̄̽̊̇̒̕͝͝ ̸̛̭͎͋̌̃͋̂̈́̄͆̉̊̈́̐̽͠ͅF̸̤̜̯̟̠̞̞͙͓͕̙̤͖̗̮͌͛̋̆̑͑̏͘R̷̙̬̓̆̽̍̇̓̃͛̀͛̅͆̓͑̚͘ͅ­͉̼Ơ̴͇̫͔̩̭̘̯͍̜̺͍̇̌̾ͅḾ̵̧̢̛̜͍̼͙̻̙̝̈́̾̃̐̈̈́́̉́̈́̈̈̉̈́̕͜͝ ̴̫̳̭̥̘͖̯̖̜̟̣̦̥̃M̸̧̡͚̲̠̪̘̘̲̪͓̩͇̰̯̳̭̺͕͂̓Ě̵͍̫̜͔̥̈́͋̓́́̒̋͊̍̆̐̑͘



s̷­̡͖̓́̀͜ö̷̩̲̣́́͐͑͐ ̷̞͚̊̀̊ͅp̵͇̯̄l̷̯̹̀e̵̢̥̳̱̝͊̀a̵̰̲̹̩͠ş̴̅͛͋̕ę̵̥̳̻̾͊͗͑͌ ̴̢̆͝j̶̧̛͎̭͉̍͑̋͛u̴̩͔̗̺̇̔̍̂s̸͎͉̳͇̈́̈́͗ţ̶̰̼̰̌͋͘.̴̦̭̆̉̈́͝.̷̘͒̅̒.̶̟̇ ̵̗́͂͒̂j̴̭͙̖̍ủ̷͈̼̣̦s̶̡̨͔̲̆́̎̔͘ț̶̥̕.̸̺͓͍̭̥̉͌.̴̯̜̺͍̒̀̏͑̌.̷͚̖͉̓͂͜͠
­̴͖̗͖̞̮̓͒̽̎͝ǰ̸͖͔́̈́͝͝ǘ̶̘̈̌̍̕s̵̻̺̟̩̿͊t̴̞͎̙̳̟͐̾̈́ ̵͉̐l̶̟̹̦̰͕̅̎̿́ë̴̱͐a̸̡̦̠͍̓͂͆̈́̑v̴̧̦͎̥̣̎̓ę̷̢̯̜̝̔̓͠ ̶̩̲̤̑ͅm̴̥͖͒̅͝͠ë̶͖͈̰̥̞́̌ ̵̻͙̯̬̋̂̚t̸̨̟͙͚̹̓̀̌͗ő̷͓̙̜͈̕ ̴̰͚͠͠r̶̗̪̜̐͋͊̃ò̴̞͎̑͝t̴̼̙͆
̴̗̋l̸̙͈̜͕̃e̴̢̝̳̱͌a̶̧̼̻̩̞̓͗̉v̷͎̈́͊͋̋̓e̶̊­̡̗̞̘́ ̶͖͌͂m̸̩̲̿̓è̷̡̞͖̠̓͗̅͝ ̸̲̖̝͉̎̅̚̚t̶̰͇̟̑͛͊õ̸̞͈̭̲͕ ̶̳̟͚͐b̸̡͖͊̎͑l̴̡̦͇̪̅̽͘e̷͙̥̓̈̃͘e̵̢̗͉͇̗͋d̸͕̘̃͑
̸̱͔̎̐̽͆ļ̸̿̈́é̷̢̛̱̤̒t­̶̺̲̞̒͂ͅ ̵̖̖̘́͆m̶̨̢̯̝̀̃̎̊͠e̵̘̹̽͌͛ ̶̱͒̈̅ẁ̴̲̽ā̶̧̱͎̱͈̽͠ẗ̵̬̙́c̶͉̰̗̠͌͐̈́͘͜ḧ̷̙́ ̷̢̜̗̪̏m̴̭͇̬̜̓̔̾͜y̶̧͠ ̸̰̗͖̈́̌́͑͋b̷̨̖̻̦̥̅̈́̎̔͛l̷͎͌̑͐̒͘õ̵̦͓o̴̧̯̩͓̓̿d̶̟̥̆̈́̈́̑̉ ̵̢̛͍͚͂͠s̶̢͉̞̮̻͒̉̿͠p̶̤͘i̷͓̓͑̓̃̎ľ̶̺̫̱͈̱l̴̜̈́
̷̩̜̹͎̲̃͌i̴̤͓̱͂̃'̵̻͎̺͊l­̸̧̠͌͒̚ĺ̷̡͙͕͝͠ ̵̦͉̯̾̎̔͊̑g̵̢̰̩̍o̸̤̟̔ ̶̘͓̤̊̓̍̈́̽d̵͔̼̆i̷̯̬͓̞̹͐z̴̨̰̋̋z̴͚̋y̵͍͕͚̦̚
̵̹̼̳͕͛̔̆̅̃ͅa̸̖̹̪̿ň̴̮͙͆̂̈­͕̠̼d̷̲͋ ̴̘̌̑̌̌͝t̸̼̋̚͠͝ͅh̶̠̍ȅ̷͕́̈͠n̶͚̙͔̩͙͋̈͝.̸̧̭̿̉̌̈́͝.̶̠̈́̿̅̈́.̵̱̥̇ ̴̡̙̖̈a̶̬̹͕̱͋ń̷̼̥̲͆̂͂̃ͅd̸̻̭͐̔̑̈ ̷̳̝̭͚͐͆ͅt̸̘̮͍̣͔͂͆̑̚h̶̜̞̱̪̻̉͂̌́ë̵͎̫͉͚̰́̅n̵̢̞̈̐̽̋͝ ̸̙̣̣̲̹̕w̷̖͙͇̄h̵̢̨̟̼̽e̶̝̒n̷͓̥͊̋ͅ ̴̞̭̳̚i̸̭͗̐̎ť̵̼͆͆̒'̸̨̞̃͝s̸̱̉͜ ̵̞̲͗̾́͗ọ̵̫̥̅̇̀̌̈́v̷̱͝ĕ̴̖̈r̷̳̤̦̗͘̕



sleep.

Something inside me
Hurts deeply
And I really can't say why
But I know it's a part of me
And I don't know what I am without it
But I also don't know what I am without fighting it
I always think
Maybe I can drink it away
Drown myself into a stupor
I've never tried, but would it work?
Maybe I can get high
Let my mind float off like a freed balloon
I've never tried, but would it work?
Maybe I could...
And I know it wouldn't work
But a part of me wants to try
Because the pain and the fight
Are so much a part of me
I don't know what else to do
But continue to cycle
Until I spin out

It's all wrong
It all keeps going wrong
When was the last time
I cared
I enjoyed
I smiled
I laughed
I felt something
I felt alive
?

I can take something going wrong
Bandage the wounds and carry on
Then another blow
Knocks me off balance
But I get back up

But when I'm enduring
blow after blow after blow
wound after wound after wound
disappointment
betrayal
loss
isolation
loneliness
inadequac­y

I CAN'T TAKE IT ALL

I cannot withstand perpetual suffering
I can't ******* do it
I can't remember why I'm alive
I feel dead
cold
numb
empty

AND

I

JUST

WANT

TO

END

IT

ALL