It’s amazing how quickly I can shift
My moods are always wild
Absolutely no consistency
Just two days ago
I had the best day I’ve had in months
Maybe even all year
And now
I sit here
Pathetic
Disgusting
Solitary
And I can’t tell
If I feel nothing
Or if I’m in intense pain
I want to drown
I want to hurt
I want to laugh
Idk
I’m just..... wrong.....

Without fail
Every single time it starts to feel
Like maybe the world isn’t out to get me
Like maybe I can actually live here
Like maybe I’m doing alright
Something comes around to remind me
How incredibly wrong I am

tw: self harm


What a feeling
What a ******* rush
Just to hold it
To wrap my fingers around the cold handle
To know what it could do
Knowing what it has done
Adrenaline release
Anticipation
But also... comfort
It feels so nice... so right
Resting in my palm
And I know I shouldn’t...
But I kinda wanna use it...

She’s never been loved
Not even close
So many she’s wanted
None reciprocated
And the thought
Creeps into her mind
With a growing persistence
As the years roll by
“Is there something wrong with me?”
But she’s known for so long
The answer is most certainly
A definitive
“Yes.”

You make my heart soar
Wild, warm, blissful
You excite me
To unrivaled levels
My brain can’t think
I’m at a loss for words
And I love it
I love you
You have this power over me
You can twist and **** at my heart
You could control me
And I would trust you to
Because you’re wonderful
You’re good for me
I can’t believe I have you in my life
I just want to hold you

She keeps telling me
As I sit across from her
To close my eyes
And imagine my young self
A scared and confused child
What would I say to her
As the panic sets in
As she’s ashamed of herself
As she loses control
And I know how to speak
To frightened children
But when I try to do so
To myself
To the little girl in my head
I break
Every time

I’m sad and empty
Everything you all do ****** me off
Because you’re all so blind
You don’t see I’m dying in front of you
And if you’d just bother to look up
For one moment
You’d see that I’m really really not okay
Everything you get angry about
These are symptoms
Because I’m ill
And you’re so stupid
So selfish
That you just can’t see it
You can’t see me
Which simply confirms the suspicion
I am alone.

You don’t see it
Do you?
You don’t hear it?
My screaming, crying
I’m bleeding, dying
And you don’t even notice
You just exchange pleasantries
And complain about your day
While I lie here
Weak and broken
Grasping for anything
To help me live
Or die
It doesn't matter anymore

I give you all

EVERYTHING

Your lips offer gratitude
But then why is it
That your actions
ALL OF THEM
Make it clear
I am not a priority
To... anyone actually
You all USE ME
And I like it
I want to be helpful
I want to be kind

SO YOU ALL

YOU USE ME

To your selfish ends
And at the end of the day
I look back
Feeling no affection
No warmth
No love
No kindness
I’ve been taken advantage of
Over and over again
So I sleep here alone
Wondering if I’ll ever be content
Because I’m SO **** NICE
So.... so you use me....
You never give back....
So I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I TRY HARDER!!!!

And you all
You know I require no payment
So I pour myself out for you
And you take it all
Leaving me alone
Weeping
Broken
Empty

I just need someone
If just one could...
Could you maybe?
Just hold me for a while
Let my tears roll into your chest
Repeat to me
Everything I’ve never heard
Could you just....
Say something
To make me feel
Even if only for a moment
That I am worth
Taking up space in this world