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21h · 30
reflection
At the hands of men, I learned the lessons of life.

I first learned fear with your towering figure, explosive temper, shaking hands, and abrasive voice. The older I got, the more the words cut me, a double blow of volume and weight. The tremors of my body visible for all to see, they angered you, but I could see nothing through my blurred eyes. My head spun as my lungs forgot how to breathe and I lost myself in your anger.

Another taught me vulnerability. In the shadows of your room with your girlfriend next door, I was your puppet and you my master. You tarnished me, made me unclean. You stole from me my vulnerability, killed the me that breathed easy. At your hands, I lost myself.

And then I learned pain-at the hands of a different tutor, but at this point it’s all the same. I learned pain in the comfort of my room, cloaked in that fuzzy green blanket. I learned the kind of pain that tears through the heart and childishly demands attention at every given moment; an obnoxious nagging pain with its grating voice and quick jabs in the ribs. I learned the pain of regret, of indecision, of betrayal. Tears marked the torment of my mind, songs didn’t hit me the same. My heart was an open wound at the mercy of the elements around. I sought healing and peace, wound stitched closed, but such things leave scars. I still remember that lesson well, in your warmth and in your piercing blue eyes, I learned pain of the truest kind.

At the hands of men, I learned the lessons of life. But in my hands, that life blooms.
Not really a poem, but this is how the thoughts came forth and who am I to argue with inspiration
Dec 1 · 346
Untitled
EmilyBatdorf Dec 1
Kiss me with your iron lips,
cold, unyielding, rigid as your mind.
Your smoke curls down,
caresses my hips.
I smell of rain and trees
and fragrant flowers,
but when we join,
your scent is all that matters.
Harsh, coppery, it weighs on
my tongue,
harassing my senses,
and pushing me down.
We move together,
a torrid of steps,
I try to be flexible,
sway around your form.
You’re stubborn,
push me away,
make me bend to you.
I shed tears,
rivers deep enough for fish.
My cries are that of an eagle,
an owl, a hawk,
--take your pick.
Hands shaking,
broken trees never replaced.
My world is dying,
stuck under
your heavy boot,
one of rubber,
the dominance of men,
of industry and
selfish civilization
which grind away at me until
I am hurt,
beyond repair.
I am nature and you are man.
EmilyBatdorf Nov 29
Stand underneath falling leaves,
timid rain,
let the breezes brush my face
again
to cool off the thoughts
of you.
EmilyBatdorf Nov 17
I’ve eaten all of the sweets here
to help me forget that you’re not near.
My cup’s never empty these days,
block you out in all of the ways.
I’ve torn up my favorite letter,
shred your love to make it better,
but the tears still come down for me,
while you walk away from me free.

You’re gone, I’m unsure once more.
From when you walked out that door,
I started doing dumb ****,
to stop from wanting you more.

I’ve taken our old life apart,
torn it up just like my poor heart.
I’ll burn all of your clothes so nice,
you won’t care, your heart’s made of ice.
I need new sheets without your smell,
I miss you more than you can tell.
You’re online doing so **** fine,
the world knows you’re no longer mine.

You’re gone, I’m unsure once more.
From when you walked out that door,
I started doing dumb ****,
to stop from wanting you more.
You’ve robbed my heart of its love,
my heart cries, a mourning dove.
Alone now without your sharp eyes,
to watch over me, tall and wise.

I’ll tip over your full trash can,
making a mess is my main plan.
If you want to leave me, that’s fine,
I realize now you’re not divine.

You’re gone, I’m unsure once more.
From when you walked out that door,
I started doing dumb ****,
to stop from wanting you more.
Original song, "Les bêtises" by Sabine Paturel. I completed this for a French translation course and thought to share it
Nov 14 · 55
Untitled
EmilyBatdorf Nov 14
Hope has the sweetest taste,
the drug you’ll **** for,
it seeps into your veins.
Euphoria, promise, it has many names,
with its potent kiss and surge of power,
you’ll want to take on the world,
ride that high until the end.
Bold and unwavering you go,
until the trip ends
and you’re brought back down,
what reality will you find there?
Nov 11 · 58
music and emotions
EmilyBatdorf Nov 11
I’m listening to the music that makes me think of you,
and hope starts to spread uncontrollably,
like a glass of wine spilt of fresh cloth,
it seeps within me,
not vindictive,
but eager in its mission
to color the fabric red with
love, light, lust, hope,
and a little anger.
I’ll try to bleach it out,
keep it clean just for you.
I’ll package it up, throw on a bow,
and give it to you.
Oct 25 · 160
Untitled
EmilyBatdorf Oct 25
I’m feeling dangerous tonight
fire in my eyes, and you know you’ll
have to fight,
or fall down before me.
EmilyBatdorf Oct 20
I wasn’t looking for love
when I met you.
I was tall, lanky,
a loud girl you could say.
You were quiet, unassuming,
curls untamable.
Years passed without much there
between us.
I fell in love with you
beneath the stars-
in a crowded tent, fighting off sleep,
near the great big fire and its loving heat,
running through rain,
roaming around,
laughing.
I fell in love with you
when I was young,
too young to know the world,
to see its demons and feel its pain,
back when my heart was open, fresh,
and trusting.
And I’ve stayed in love with you,
through your darkest days and my twisted path,
my heart is bruised now,
stitched together, tattooed with your name,
but loving you all the same.
EmilyBatdorf Oct 19
I’m am alone
with my thoughts, and yet,
it feels as if something is
missing.
There’s an emptiness here,
one I didn’t feel before.
Then I realize,
it’s the space where your hand
holds mine
the sound of our breath
as we exhale at the
same time.
You’re gone from me,
a vague memory you could
convince me is fake,
a story I made up during some
lunch break,
or perhaps read online,
hoping that this story
was mine.
There’s an empty spot
in my heart,
one that calls out
your name.
Oct 11 · 251
Untitled
EmilyBatdorf Oct 11
I want to cauterize my feelings,
walk on broken glass un-pained,
at least that would stop me from calling out
your name.
EmilyBatdorf Sep 28
There are always causalities in war,
you cut my heart up, let it bleed
over you mon amour.
We’re in stalemate of love,
your wavering indecision,
I want to shove
it away, put a lock on the pain,
cross your name off my lips.
What is there left to gain
with all that disconnection,
the distance stretched between us,
and you, filled with trepidation.
EmilyBatdorf Sep 27
How many times do I have to say that I’m not okay
before you start listening with your heart instead of your mouth?
Your heart, once warm to the touch, protected by briars
and a sphinx, though I thought them unreal.
I’ve tried to solve the riddle, to think it through, to answer right,
but your heart remains closed off to me and I sit through the night,
wondering how we got here, to this point of isolation.
Your mind is closed, heart unreachable, words sparse,
and yet I think to break down these walls, climb them,
push through them until I’ve found you in the
center of it all.
Sep 23 · 80
My love
EmilyBatdorf Sep 23
I’m tired, the kind of tired that makes you want to curl up and
forget the day.
My blankets, soft, warm, green,
will heat me up and soothe away my fears.
I’m tired of watching you beyond the glass,
it’s frosted with distance, indecision, and
loneliness.
I see your figure though the pane and want to call out,
bring you in, give you cocoa, and fall into a pile of ease, and
natural love.
Fall back in love with me.
Leave the cold and come back into my arms, I’ll keep you
from the world,
and we’ll
hide away,
warmed by wood and fire.
I’ll stay by your side
My love, my life, my happiness,
solidified.
Sep 17 · 82
love is pain
EmilyBatdorf Sep 17
Take away my pain, peel back the layers
of aged, crumbling paint.
I’m not in the wrong here, but my heart cries
tears and shreds itself up,
a bomb I never thought active.
Take away my pain,
your love was my warmth, my haven of light,
but now the shadows creep in
and the rocks pull me down.
Take away my pain, that of my naïve heart,
the one that loved you unflinchingly
and is taught to love you still.
Take away my pain,
you made the choice, wavered in love,
take my pain and give it
to the ***** in your bed.
Sep 17 · 72
you know.
EmilyBatdorf Sep 17
A faint glimmer of satisfaction for not being crazy,
for not reading too much into something that wasn’t there.
It was there, apparently for all to see as you kissed her
passionately,
in the midst of a sea of people and led her to your room.
Comfort, warmth, bodies, lust.
A path taken that cannot be undone,
the detour some presumed as natural.
I am undone. I am broken.
We are changed.
Where is my heart, my emotion, the ability to feel?
Lost in pieces around this room, both haven and hell.
The room of fear and sanctuary, anger and jealousy,
and above all,
loneliness.
I am here.
Feb 6 · 291
feed me peace
EmilyBatdorf Feb 6
tension lies beneath this smile,
a nervous energy fueled by too little sleep and anticipation of the future.
music helps… sometimes. writing is barely an escape.
these legs long to run, arms long to strike.
left hook, right uppercut, elbow to the face.
enemies only i can see.
a scream is withheld, scorching my throat with its intensity.
my lips are bruised, but not from your mouth.
troubled by my own fears, anxiety.
i itch to move, as if that will shake my troubles,
i could sprint for the exit, but they’d lash out,
coiling around my ankle, yanking me down
Feb 3 · 210
unlabeled
EmilyBatdorf Feb 3
There should be a word,
for when you read poetry,
or when you write it,
and the feeling that follows,
or leads.
Sadness tinged with longing,
shot through with love,
trailing fatigue, and
overhung with a rawness of true
emotion,
I want a word for that.
Feb 1 · 107
the days are long
EmilyBatdorf Feb 1
I said I love you,
you, I love you more.
But what you don’t get is that there’s
nothing more
than loving the one that you adore,
even as they tease their skin with the
sharp points of a blade.
I will always love you more,
more than reason, more than is safe.
You’ve captured my heart, soul, mind
and I could never walk out that door,
no matter how many
tracks cross your skin,
no matter how many broken promises
of newfound strength float into the air.
I love you more.
EmilyBatdorf Feb 1
My heart feels blocked, my fingers unable to unlock its doors.
Perhaps time moves too fast
for it to be processed.
Or maybe this icy chill has crept in
through my thick curtains and made its home
in my chest.
My heart, my mind are numb.
Where are you emotions? Where are you poems?
The words don’t pour out anymore,
I’ve seemed to have lost my voice
or maybe I’ve gotten used to being silenced.
Nov 2018 · 234
it's etched in my brain
EmilyBatdorf Nov 2018
I remember his voice, pitched-low,
a smooth glass of Scotch, but hard to swallow this time.
Tension unfurled in my stomach, foreboding locked my legs.
My hands quivered, I shoved them away,
eyes down, my firm voice, met with anger,
outraged at this personal slight.
We walked by, granting space for his rage,
his ego too big to share the street, to let us walk by unbothered.
Rejection hung in the air, weighed down by our fear.
The sounds of his steps, his speech coming faster more aggressive,
mimicking his steps.
My head spun, the air came too quick, panic pounded at the door
to my head, pressing its way in.
Our feet began to slap the ground, **** these sandals,
a call to him, an encouragement, us defenseless in the emptied street.
The elevator felt unsafe, plain and empty walls.
My window was securely fastened despite the heat,
door double bolted, shaking on the bed,
free from adrenaline and moved by fear.
The room was too empty, too vulnerable,
comfort only from my feeble connection to my home.
Sweaty, tired hands of mine clutched it to me,
falling asleep with the safety of his voice,
swirling around me, shoving off the unwanted
traces of chilling words and tear-stained makeup.
Nov 2018 · 129
untitled
EmilyBatdorf Nov 2018
I grew up with trees,
The orchard filled with light and the soft breeze
which came by daily
My trees had strong roots, unfurled deep into the soil,
rooted in humanity and beautiful for it.
I loved my trees, strong as they were,
a guide to a girl lost in the night.
My trees.
Then they came for my trees, when I was away
Tore at their bark and lashed at their roots,
peeling away the moss.
My trees, the branches of hope given to me,
the support and shade, dependably there.
Hurt, but not broken,
my trees do grow tall,
healing as the seasons go.
The scars still remain, etched deep and cruel.
My trees fight
Push away with sharp branches and unforgiving bark,
resisting the rough whispers of the night,
the ugly grabbing hands, the yielded axes, biting words
unjustified, entranced by our bursts of bloom,
our heavenly perfume. Why must we fight them off?
Nov 2018 · 161
fade away with time
EmilyBatdorf Nov 2018
I’m that fiddle in the corner,
Broken down and cob-webbed up.
Passed over for the shiny violin,
sleek, pure sound and powerful notes,
I’m dull in comparison, squeaking out what I can,
strings worn by age and disuse.
I was beautiful once, cherished, put away free
of finger-prints and dust.
The lid closed for longer each time,
I mourned the lack of sun, lost my voice to time.
I am a fiddle still,
but I’ll soon sink into grime.
Sep 2018 · 246
Untitled
EmilyBatdorf Sep 2018
Kiss my insecurity,
erase the doubt beneath.
Hug me close, heat away the chill of fear.
Murmur words of comfort,
the rhythm of your voice will carry me away.
Sep 2018 · 86
Untitled
EmilyBatdorf Sep 2018
I won’t get your name tattooed on me,
just in case
Jun 2018 · 211
saturday nights
EmilyBatdorf Jun 2018
There’s a heat in my bones,
a driving force within. My soul
is relentless, untethered by the music
Bodies clash and the lights flash,
disorienting.
The bitter bite of ***** scorches
my throat.
I see your face in the crowd, then
step left and you are gone,
an illusion of my heart and mind,
accelerated by the night.
Step right,
into regret and fatigue.
The heaviness in my legs,
my heart. The music rushes,
picks me up,
Spin once and I remember,
this is the time to be free.
Jun 2018 · 212
vagabond
EmilyBatdorf Jun 2018
Sing to me our song again,
promise and love in the refrain,
the melody speaks of memories,
laughing, tears, sunshine, rain.
Chords clamor to be heard,
the strong undertones to carry us through.
Sing to me from across the ocean,
sing until your lungs hurt, your throat burns,
sing until I hear,
your love.
A potential work in progress
EmilyBatdorf May 2018
There are three freckles on my bottom lip,
cute spots of originality,
tiny, almost nonexistent.
I wanted you to notice them,
to look closely at me, see me uncloaked.
A scar rings my wrist,
a token of love from a too enthusiastic dog,
did your lips ever find it?
A ragged line splits my knee in two,
screaming a story, one of laughter and life,
your fingers never paused there, you don’t know that scar.
Tattoos yes, you’ve familiarized yourself,
Bold and black, splotches of scattered color,
you’ve seen them all.
My skin maps experience, moments of light and sorrow
the key lies in my mind, my eyes, my smile.
It’s not a puzzle fit for all,
but here I am, words on my lips and love in my mind
I'm not entirely sure if this is done; it feels unfinished, but maybe that's not a bad thing ;P
EmilyBatdorf Apr 2018
I thought I was drowning,
but now I realize I’ve been treading water,
sure the waves have crashed down on me, water
flooding my mouth, but my head stayed high as I bobbed.
Now I know I’m drowning,
the lights shimmer otherworldly, no longer harsh to my eyes
the water is feeling warmer, in my mouth, laying on my lungs,
the weight of anxiety and stress---and water, that I can’t expel
The sound is no longer deafening, a low hum is building in my ears and
        the black swirls around my eyes and I am…gone
EmilyBatdorf Apr 2018
I want to write a love poem, but I just can’t find the words
Each day with you is new, a rip off daily calendar
some days I laugh until I cry, other days
I’m coughing up sobs and regret
and still more I just don’t get.
I want to write a love poem, but that’s not how this works.
I can’t write of love, though it fills my days with sunshine.
Love is not so easily described, only understood if you’re in the throes of it.
People understand pain, loss, but not love,
I could say how it feels today:
love is a wild mystery, a traipse through a jungle with no map in hand.
The rain pours down, cool on my skin, refreshing
The sun rays reach me through the impossibly green canopy
I feel the strength of the trees, the hope of the green shoots,
the wild freedom of the monkeys overhead.
The rhythm lies within me and the song of the birds echoes
the song of my heart.
My love is strong, wild, and largely unexplored;
I make the path as I go on my way,
curious tourist and determined adventurer
Today my love is warmth and sun
exhilarating times and smiles wrapped into one
EmilyBatdorf Apr 2018
You steal from me,
laughter from my throat,
the smile in my eyes
you’ve stolen memories
I can’t escape the irony,
gentle rain falling,
replacing tears I could have wept
but you’ve stolen them all away
all shed for you until
I had nothing left,
my eyes dry and destitute
The silence is heavy, shrouding my ears,
settling on my shoulders
I have nothing left to give,
you’ve taken it all
over-hungry, overreaching
the scraps you yanked from the table and devoured
I have nothing left to give, no warmth or love
My heart is wrung dry, hung outside,
battered by the unwavering elements
You’d think the rain would replenish it, lend me strength
but instead I sit here, cold, wet
EmilyBatdorf Mar 2018
“professional editing” sounds so pretentious, I know
I’ve heard the jokes before, you aren’t my latest comedian
few would call me pretentious,
weird maybe, goofy probably, energetic definitely
my major is a map to my life,
everything makes more sense to me when it’s written down
“English major” is too broad of a window,
I need the tight tunnel of editing to get me to the end,
to lead me to the light.
EmilyBatdorf Mar 2018
the gauntlet is thrown down, eyes focused on the field
the weight of expectation hangs,
my mind begins to reel
Your hesitation is palpable
Muscles tensed, nerves singing, hands shaking
will you take the chance and fight,
rage against the dark above,
the one that lays on your mind,
extinguishing the light?
your decision, our future, all intertwined
and all I can do is sit and wait and slowly lose my mind
Mar 2018 · 184
a haiku for you my love
EmilyBatdorf Mar 2018
I sat down one day, thinking of writing you a haiku
I wondered aloud what words to write,
Words that could describe how I feel about you
Not common words, but words that have a bite.
An array of words to choose from, but what to pick?

My thoughts are all scrambled, in need of sorting
I wish to show you this wasn't all a trick,
That I didn't want to leave you hurting.
Our time together was always ticking
The i s are dotted and the t s crossed
I'd hate for you to think I'm quitting
But it's time to think of the cost.
We must go our separate ways now
Fresh and new beneath the sky
We've done our best and must take a bow
This is our last goodbye.
Mar 2018 · 201
we are all survivors
EmilyBatdorf Mar 2018
My experience doesn’t matter,
it’s cookie cutter, the typical growing-up story.
Fending off boys and snapping bra straps,
Pushing off voices pressing in,
a pair of earmuffs I can’t peel away.
My eyes know to dart around,
To look behind that bush, find the most direct, most lit path
The casual-not-so-accidental grab at parties,
too strong arms reaching for a hug that I can’t break out of,
crushing me in, sweat and too much cologne muffling my breaths
and then, thankfully they come, my friends swoop in,
fierce warriors, my sworn protectors.
I find safety in their arms.
We are bonded by shared experience,
multiplying daily in number.
Stand up, brush off your jeans, and put your hands to work,
find your voice.
I am not unique in my experience.
Those strong arms dripping sweat and cologne will reach for someone else,
a lesson must be learned and we will teach them
Put our voices proud, project them to the sky,
let them fall as comets, spreading fire,
and bringing us warmth and light
I re-visited this before performing it at a ****** assault survivor discussion; I ended up changing the ending because the most important part of the healing process (I believe) is finding the hope that is left and gathering strength from others. Sooooo yeah :)
Mar 2018 · 116
Untitled
EmilyBatdorf Mar 2018
What is wrong with you?
Hold this little book close,
the best of friends
and you’ll know why I’ll reach
         the breaking point
EmilyBatdorf Mar 2018
The resilience of yellow,
Yellow, which is so often brushed off
“eggy” they say or “oh god, not lemon”
it’s more than that.
The folds of the petal,
velvety, resilient to the world it faces.
Uprooted it may be,
but tall and proud it stands.
The arms are outstretched, perfume given away freely.
Beautiful, fragile, captivating.
EmilyBatdorf Nov 2017
The setting sun reaches out to me,
earnestly stretching to cup my face.
I shrink back from its warmth, cold as I am.
The sun is beautiful, warm, comforting.
And yet, it is too far away; the comfort is an illusion.
The cold seeps in me, weighing on my bones and making me slow.
I long for that warmth, my face turns almost automatically to the sun,
wishing it closer, warmer, stronger, anything.
The cold is spreading through, settling in my heart,
claiming my body, my mind.
And here I am again, stuck, cold, tired.
Nov 2017 · 206
college in a nutshell
EmilyBatdorf Nov 2017
I just want to go outside
The stretch between classes is just enough of a tease
wind blowing, leaves flying, the sun warming my face
And then walls.
Walls closing in, walls enclosing knowledge, some walls that are just walls
My seat can’t be by the windows, too many distractions.
Twitchy feet and a wandering mind
What am I to do?
Day after day, my routine is stuck
food, class, lift until I collapse, food again, and then turning,
Facing that monstrous pile of work breaking my desk
The sun shines, the leaves play
I can do work outside
lies and compromise
Chained to the desk as time ticks by
I just want to go outside
Oct 2017 · 272
twins
EmilyBatdorf Oct 2017
We’re twins, you and I.
Matching lines and hurting hearts,
the overwhelming waves that crash down on me,
thundering in my ears and making white noise.
My lines are black, just like my words
scribbled, forceful, and raw.
Yours are red,
vibrant and striking against your pale skin.
Your thoughts are just as red, just as intense,
vulnerable.
Our hearts are one piece, fitted together,
we are twins now,
You and I.
Oct 2017 · 263
words are my lifeline
EmilyBatdorf Oct 2017
I write as if my heart still lies heavy within;
the words pour as the music flows and I fall
into the sense of calm it brings me. The fresh
way I see the world after; the beauty of each
moment, the murmuring of my fellow souls,
as our words rise up to the stars above,
safe in this world of anonymity.

I write as if my heart still lies heavy within;
but I have not held it for some time.
It’s been ripped and shared. Each little letter
a piece of my heart and soul.

I write as if my heart still lies heavy within;
it’s too scattered now for me to see,
But you,
    you hold the largest piece of all.
Oct 2017 · 209
my broken vehicle of love
EmilyBatdorf Oct 2017
My heart seems so shiny and new,
in tip top shape, I get it inspected every year, thank you very much.
Underneath the paint job is a rusted mess,
peeling off in huge strips and trailing behind.
It seems so sturdy and infallible,
unyielding and unflinching in the eyes of chaos.
But if you were to push, to drive too far inward,
it would collapse, crunching, to half the size.
Scars exposed, shoddy repairs unveiled,
at the mercy of the outside world.

My heart seems so shiny and new,
but underneath it’s fragile,
just like you.
Oct 2017 · 447
Las Vegas
EmilyBatdorf Oct 2017
33 guns
thousands of bullets rain
58 fall
thousands of bullets fly
500 more wounded
thousands of bullets spent,
one man,
thousands of bullets.
Guns roll out,
family treasures, sport, food, keepsakes
Power and destruction,
life and death.
Thousands of guns out,
now people are out.
Hundreds have fallen:
schools, theaters, clubs, concerts,
malls, stadiums, streets– but don’t take away our rights…
Thousands of bullets, stinging farewell kisses
This poem is not intended to turn things political, it was my intense reaction as I tried to understand how all of this death exists in the world.
Oct 2017 · 169
the Weight of the World
EmilyBatdorf Oct 2017
The familiar whirlwind of emotion rises up again,
a never-ending cycle of heavy, dark clothes,
a few light delicates throw in, barely visible  
and fading
     fast.
This weekly ritual, the pauses, the tone,
memorized down to the digit.
I grow weary, carrying out the motions and
Dreaming of the end, hanging it all out to dry
to be embraced by the ever-welcoming sun and its
loving, warm rays.
EmilyBatdorf Oct 2017
Your love is a summer storm.
It started with a hint upon the air,
the telltale heaviness of anticipation.
A few brave drops fall,
testing their reception on this earth.
Then the drops fall in earnest,
surging down on she who is uncloaked,
embracing the coolness on her skin,
each drop a sweet lingering kiss.
The thunder roars, both terrifying and exhilarating.
The lighting flashes, the wind picks up,
tangling her hair with earnest.
Yet still she stands, embolden by the chaos,
finding peace and comfort in it all.
Your love is a summer storm,
earth-shattering,
deafening,
irresistibly beautiful.

— The End —