I want what I don't have
and have what I don't want

I thought I had what I wanted
But that was just a haunt

A glimpse of what could have been
But was no more than appease

He was only what I made him
Not true,  that of a thieve

I speak not of just one
As they all  seem  quite the same

Tugging at my insecurities
Heart, left full of strain

I've given up so much of me
I don't know what is left

But I want, what i want, ******
so much I'm left bereft

I always thought I'd find 'the one'
The Ying to match my Yang

The one that would set my heart free
Relinquish  the tender pang

Yet all I get is heartbreak
With the exception of this one

But it is just a matter of time
Before he says he's finally done

I pick the ones that are temporary,
Believing I don't deserve

Helping them get on their feet
For that I'm good, and serve

But for me, I lie alone at night
Wishing to be loved

The Master of this game I play
Winner!! Winning none

Just breath and let out the pain
The wondering if I'll ever be sane

Time to reflect and ponder the real truth
I've been living a lie which lies at the root

My core feels rotten and filled with hate
A hate for myself and dissident fate

I've lost my true self. .. left, but only a whisper
She's in there somewhere like a ghost in the mist

The thickness of the falsity and time that has gone by has left me all alone to ponder and wonder why

Your life seems grand
Now that mine is out of hand

Im home alone again,that's fine
Drinking Ethiopian wine

Wishing you were here with me
A you that wished to be with thee

you without any troubles
Me with my unsightly fumbles

Is it the wine that keeps us apart?
Is that the line which separates ones heart?

I  lit a cigarette just now
Wonderring if my words are foul

Are they of a dream come true?
Or might they just  be of you ?

A you that may not exsist
To which I am constantly betwixt

Who are you?
And will I ever know
This love of mine
That fails to show

Why if so many people go through the same thing
Are we all alone

Why if so many people feel the same pain
Do we stay at home

Why if so many people feel incapable of moving
Is there not a cure

Why does this melancholy I feel
constantly disable me to heal

I get up and out
And try a new route
Only to find myself going in circles

Same pain
No gain
The mystery remains

Why we all  struggle with these emotional hurdles

I wonder if poetry is as good when your happy
Lord knows it can usually sound quite sappy

Love and birds and clouds galore
Children's laughter and so much more

But for now I will write of my gruff and my grit
The stuff that's all made up of ****

Relationships , casualties and inner daemons
The thick in which remains of my dreamings

Paired with that of a guilty conscience
Can only leave me to sound obnoxious

The fumes to ruminate the life I once had
Of birds and clouds and things that were glad

For now I'm ok with the grit and the gruff
Because for now it is the truest of stuff

I think of you quite often when I go to bed
The good the bad and  ugly constantly fill my head

Your smell, your touch,your laughter
the way we starred into eachothers eye

Your yell ,your lies, your vulgarity
the way you made me cry

It doesn't make much sense that I could not let you go
The times that you did come back were nothing but a show

The bruises and the cuts you left should be enough to close my heart
But it's my irrational tendencies here that keep me torn apart

Why does a man so undeserving hold this place in my heart?
For he is just a boy ; no MAN would take advantage of that spot

Not everyone has to go through these struggles
Accusations,  lies and broken glass rumbles

Tempers that flare
Parts eveywhere
Yelling and banging
The neighbors must stare

They wonder how a girl like me could fall for this trick
The promises have all made me quite sick

Name calling,  ranting,  interrogations and such
Have left me to feel like O' quite the 'duck'

But it's my history that has left me scarred and flawed
One which has come back and opened a door

A door for a future that is peaceful and sweet
One which I have yet to meet

But I'm on the brink, with the knocker in my hand
Just about ready to take my final stand

Look my history dead in the eye
I'm finally ready to get over this high

"I'm all grown up now can't you see"
Then close the door
"Stop ******* with me"

It's time to stop repeating the  mistakes of others
For the love of god I don't want to be my mother

Lesson learned;

Don't, fall in love
Walk in ,head high, heart open and strong,  ready to let go of past hurt and able to move forward and grow up


Falling in love causes cuts and bruises
Tripping over the same mistakes
Tumbling into  similar situations

Although the cuts and bruises  heal
They hurt

Lesson learned

Love isn't how hard you can push or how loud you can yell
The words that can hurt or lies that you tell
Love is not the bruises on your arms and tarnished ego
Its not the threats to leave or vast upheaval
Its not a means to feel whole or in place of ones goal
I dont know what love is
But it's not this
So let me go

My simple mind wouldn't allow me the free linguistics  

to come clean, with the thought of you and I between us

I'm vocal now that you're not in my life

what does that say for the broken record strife

broken down

beat up

and broke

that's just my life
no mother ef'ing joke

where did I go wrong?

" they're all laughing at you"

you did me wrong

My ******* dream come true

I'm putting you far ,far out of my head
The memory of us is better off dead

Nothing but pain and suffering from you
I want this time to start anew

Time to heal, time to deal
My feelings and self  I won't conceal

I am here now, self as loud as thunder
I won't allow you to keep me under

The times we had were never quite good
Since you are nothing more than a ghetto street hood

I wont regret our time together
That's like being mad at bad weather

For it's nature's way of clearing out
That which is evil and had begun to surmount

For you were only a reflection of what was bad in me
And its time , albeit to set me free

For you I feel sorry that you haven't yet  learned
The apple doesnt fall far
And for that you'll be burned

A life full of strife
And without true happiness
Because within you  there are lies and much bitter sadness

Poetry is alive
it lives in our head

From the musical  hive
To the souls of the dead

In the music and footsteps and  nature and wonder

Even When life seems to be pulling you under

It's a way to release ones sadness and pain

It's a way to increase loves taunting  vein

The power of the words spoken or penned

Must always be treasured now and again

I run
I hide
From sea to border
To find, to hide
From a life out of order
The tides that bind
The likes of mind
Music
Laughs
Passion and such
Are only what we have in common,
Not much
But I run
I hide
From sea to border
To escape you
..Get my life in order

It doesnt matter why you said it
It doesn't matter don't you get it?

The pain it caused is what matters to me
The hurt within is what you fail to see

The words cut deep like that of a  sword
Regardless of the fact that it was spoken word

Your mission was pain
And now that complete

Its time that I stand on my own two feet

They say that time heals all wounds
I can't complain, so far so good

I'm happy again with just being me
the troubles of my past have begun to cease

I appreciate all that I have around me
The wind, Sun, moon ,stars and my family

I have learned so much this year about love and life
Im ready to move beyond old strife

Living and loving and holding on tight
For life and love I won't give up this fight

I was meant to be cherished
And cherished I will be
But now I know that it starts with **ME

wind blown and sun kissed

If my mind is my sickness
music is my cure

The actors of the heart
Are the players of this game we call  **love

We remember the bad to appreciate the good
that's what we do when you live in the hood

The sadness the pain, poverty and strain
can leave one to feel like life is insane  

But when you reflect on the bad,  
the things that you never had
  Appreciate what's right inside of your hand

whether a marble or a car
you done good so far

if you're doing better than you were

so remember the bad to appreciate the good whether or not you live in the hood

Some are jealous of my life
because it is the single strife

   No kids to  to clean up after    
No roles for the actor

    No husband to answer to
No nightly deja vu

   No cooking and cleaning that must be done
No filled minivans, on the run

   No soccer practice, no paintings to hang
No afternoon quarrels of who should pick up the 'tang'

   The grass is always greener
I always say
For my nights and days are filled with gray

   I cook and clean for myself
For these are the cards I've been dealt

   No one to answer to
No quarrels or games

This life alone is such a shame

   The pictures I hang are of my travels
But all I want are crayonned marvels

   A family of which to call my own
More than a dog to fill my home

   I pray on my knees
to give me all of these
That which is greener over sees

I checked the video page one day to see if you were on drugs
All I saw were two common folk nothing more than thugs

The love is lost;it's over now
Not entertained or amused

I'm over our entanglement
Unaffected and bemused

How to start my life again?
It's time to begin living

**** 12 steps of recovery
What was done I'm not forgiving

I'm learning how to laugh at me
And simply how to be

Progress not perfection
A lifelong revelry

The time has come to say goodbye to a past misunderstood

It's time  to make amends with me
Not a  lost "boy" from the hood

I checked the video page one day to see if you were on drugs
All I saw were two common folk nothing more than thugs

The love is lost;it's over now
Not entertained or amused

I'm over our entanglement
Unaffected and bemused

How to start my life again?
It's time to begin living

**** 12 steps of recovery
What was done I'm not forgiving

I'm learning how to laugh at me
And simply how to be

Progress not perfection
A lifelong revelry

The time has come to say goodbye to a past misunderstood

It's time  to make amends with me
Not a  lost "boy" from the hood

The impurity of my soul is what attracts the dredges  of the earth to me

The false,  the pretentious, the idle, the egotistical
They all hide behind a slight swagger and yet a frown of insecurity

They creep in with their words
and disappear leaving behind the sediment of their pungent contamination

But why me?

Am i only the company I keep?

Am I more than this delicate mystique?

Or do I hide behind the name sake  of succubus and lover in fear of what's underneath

I dare say ........it may be to late for me

The fighting is easy
The laughter is hard
The road ahead is always so marred

With jealousy
And envy
And betwixt emotions

My life is a constant battle
Riptides tides of the oceans

What makes me happy?
I just don't know
I want it so bad
I want it to show

I want to light my own path
with fears far behind
To jealousy and envy I  will become blind

For The eternal light will begin to glow
so far and so bright
I'll never be alone

in the dark of the night
I will have with me, me
In spite of all the struggles
To thine own truest I will be

This view from my window
Its why I moved in

This view from my window
Has kept me in

This view from my window shows a world of hope
This view from my window disables me to cope

This view from my window allows me to stay inside
This view from my window
Allows me to hide

From the ouside world
Im kept safe inside
But it is from my inside that I must hide

Im pushindg and trying to get up and out
From this view from my window
Please let me out

Incapacitated,  rejected, scorned , and deprived
Of what this view from my window has on the other side

But if love is what your truly after,
Stop giving in to the next disaster

False pretenses, smiles, promises and games
shall only taunt the heart in vein

Love , is open and honest and true
The love you seek, it starts with **you

As the pain begins to fade
The words begin to stray

Was this a temporary fix?
to quell what has left me betwixt

The ache and anguish of a 'love' lost
Enabled me linguistically at a high cost

A price which I shall never again pay
I have learned to hold my heart at bay

I shall learn the lines of happier times
And leave the pain to it's demise

For I am the owner of my words
Not a sheep that follows amongst the herds

Stop calling me exotic
Unique and hard to tell
I'm more than almond eyes , complexion caramel

My make up isnt determined by the measurement of my thighs

It's not the clothes I wear or my victorias' cup size

I'm much more than this concept that you have for me
I am more than what meets the eye
That's why makeup's not for thee

You think you know me well
But YOU have no idea
What makes me tick and motivate
You don't have time to hear

I dont twerk or get low to attract a crowd to me
Id much rather read a book, in two places I shall be

If You really think  you know me
What makes me  motivate
Then you should know that *****,  boo,  ***** and hunny are what make me irritate

You've no consideration for the things I love inside
The things that I love the most, I often have to hide

I love goosebumps and dandelions and living by the sea
I love dub step and movies  and my family
I love teaching,  and writing and all the things you hate
I love sailing and fishing and baking cookies late
So

Stop calling me exotic
Unique and hard to tell
I'm so much more than almond eyes , complexion caramel