Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of you
And the time
We ran
Through
A forest
And rolled around
In a meadow
Until
The stars
Broke the silence
Of the night

Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of your eyes
They are green
Your eyes bring me peace
I imagine your sweet
Swimming
Green eyes
I always seem to sink
Deep
Into your sea-green ocean

Lavender tea
Reminds me of you
All those chilly Autumn nights
When we would lay
Outside
Humming along
To our lavender song
A calming memory

We stare at the same stars
Every time
I can feel your bodies heat
Warming up mine

Lavender tea
Reminds me
Of the memories
We keep and will keep
Lying deep
Within our eyes
And thoughtfully
Staring at the stars.

Let's bring back 2014
Let us rejoice
Let us rekindle the fire
Let you touch my skin
Let you fuel my desire

Lips on Lips
Kiss upon Kiss

"Let's keep things casual"
With no lack of emotion

It's my body
I want you to squeeze in

Our bodies flow like the ocean
And it is hurricane season.

I’m trying to express how I feel like I did as a child,
Through crayons and pencils
Pressed into paper until they break in two.
How can I feel so hopeless
Doing something I used to love to do?
Like I did as a child
I make myself small and cry in my closet
That painful sobbing that hurts your throat
And convince myself yet again to give up.

When I say I love you like I love a song
I mean I play you nonstop until I get tired
I let myself become surrounded by you
You become the only thing that makes me feel
I itch when I can’t feel you near me
When I can’t hear your constant reassurance that you won’t leave me
Even though I know I’ll leave you eventually
I’m sorry if I love you like I love a song
Because I will make you feel like my whole world
And take all your free time
I will tell you how beautiful you are and how much you mean to me
But it’s only temporary

I'm giving you pieces of me
And even if you never complete me
I will try to fill in the spaces
Because I hate feeling empty.

I guess that's why I fill my time with meaningless things.
I don't want to leave any space for loneliness.

I waste my time sitting alone
In my room
Listening to songs that remind me of you
But when I remember all that we've been through
And how you mess with my mind
I find myself writing songs and poetry

It's always been easier for me
To hid my feelings from others
But for you, I have to let you know
How you make my heart glow
And how many times I've cried over you

It may be hard to do
Once the feelings are out
They will stay out
Until I'm too tired to speak.

You and I were very close
And that all changed within 3 short months
It hurts to think about the past
And I panic when I think about what my future holds
And you never really explained why
Our friendship had to die
You just stopped responding
And I'm scared it will happen with my other friends too..

All the birds and the bees
Wouldn't wait for me
They are all singing
Happily
I am waiting
I am naive

I tried to climb
To the top of the trees
But I quickly lost my grip
And fell
Fast
And hard
My bones shattered
And scattered
Into one million shards

Once the day reached dawn
The gleaming light shined
And seeped through my skin
To repair my bones again.

There you were
Right in front of me
Smiling
Your heart beat clawing
Through your skin.
Mine, mimicking yours
Our hearts are in sync.

I see all of the darkness
All of the light
Your eyes are complex
Deep blues, calming greens and creamy yellows
The base of our Earth's natural colors
Oceans swirl round and round
Collecting all of the colors in the universe

Your eyes twinkle
Full of hope

Expression with sadness
Pain has always been your best inspiration

Endless threads
Stringing together
The "last times" of this year
As "first times"
Slip
Through your fingertips

Three years pass

I had been dreaming
From the first night we met
Wondering
When your lips would melt into mine.
I am glad first kisses
Often lead to more.

Our souls may float on by
And blindly slip  
Through the broken cracks of our futures
But love still remains
In our tingling toes,
The tips of our fingers
Every goose bump
Reminds
You and I
Of every second spent

Reflect
The light of our history
Onto the fresh pavement
In every shining city
Until the polished view of the world
Dissipates
We are left remembering
The colors in each others eyes
And the unmistakable feeling
Which leaves us to wonder
How long it has been..

How do I convince you to love me?
I can make you tea and cookies
Or maybe mac and cheese
I can learn a song for you when you're feeling blue
I can kiss your neck and whisper why I want to be with you
I can wash your sheets and make your room neat
I can make your favorite snack
And if I do these things for you
Will you love me back?

It's a beautiful thing
To fall in love with someone
And for them to reciprocate

Waking up under miles of water
Panicking
Inhaling
Gasping
Anything is better than how I'm feeling
I'm hoping I will be okay
Eventually
But eventually feels too far away
I want to run
I can't help but stay

I have fallen for you
But I am terrified
You are a part of the world
I haven't visited yet

I remembered something you once told me
At 3 am, its the time you are most vulnerable
You said "you are the strongest person I know"
I didn't believe you until you were gone
And now I say those words as if they are a spell that will save my soul

And I feel safest when I'm smaller than I should be
Tucked away under covers, or in bedroom closets
Trying to escape my monsters
But the monsters hid within me
Life can be a little overwhelming at times
And it doesn't help when the people around me
End up being monsters too

I mourn all the dreams I can’t recall when morning comes
All the moments I was moving too fast to cherish what I love
I mourn the friends who left and went on to better things
The ones who out grew me
The ones who pretend they don’t remember how we used to know the secrets no one else knew

I know I behave like a child sometimes
Throwing temper tantrums and pretending like I don’t want to cry
I know I act like I am not affected by it all
Like my life is full of sunshine even in the nighttime
I’m so tired of the charade
Are you someone I can count on
To be okay with me
Even when it rains

Who knows when she will get better
Because I certainly do not.
She is the greatest friend I've ever had.
How did she get so mixed up?
I don't understand why she thinks she is worthless.
She is worth so much in my eyes.
It scars my heart every time I see her cry.
And what was it worth for him?
Does he even realize what he has done?
Please explain it to me slowly,
Was it worth all her pain
For your "trial run"
For the half-assed marathon
That you never even finished
It's bone breaking how much she was torn apart.
She fell into love
And got dropped off,
Left,
And forgotten.

I need our magical colors to be magnificently reunited and collected into one solid illuminating body. I want to have all of the beautiful words pouring out of me as if I were the words and the beauty. I am one solid glowing mass of energy and its exploding out through my bones and I can feel everything. I am everything.

Pearls lay sweetly around her neck
Lace amplifying every perfection on her beautiful body
The moon light glows heavenly upon her skin

You live in the city we both fell in love with
And you are onto better things
We both moved away from the hometown we fell in love in
We both moved away to ease the pain of living without each other
And living without the hurt that always followed us

I always imagined us moving there together
Walking through the city at night
Your eyes sparkle in city lights
We could have sat in coffee shops
Or on park benches
We could have written beautiful things
But you said lets leave us in the past
And I am stuck in it...

I should start breathing in more fresh air
And less cigarette smoke

I am always losing things
Time, money, love, friends.
Nothing is sustainable in my hands
Nothing is forever
Even my personality is temporary.
My mood is always changing
Because some people really **** me off
And my friends make me sad
The only consistent thing I have
Is the ability to breathe
And even that is hard sometimes.
I just need some solid ground
And a steady beating heart.

A spark breeds into a roaring flame,
it screams "notice me!"
The flame exhausts itself into ashes
Burned out and drained.
Wind carries those ashes away,
and paints the pavement with their remains.

Passersby lift their chins
because its easier to ignore then it is to face facts.
Those ashes lay there as a reminder
for those whose flame is ready to ignite

There is strength in masses
but not if they are all burning (alive).

"I would give up sleep for you
In a heartbeat"

Such a lovely sound
Gasping for air
Waiting as you take
My last breath
And you
Gasp for air
As I take yours as well

I have been
Dreaming of this moment
When your breath becomes mine
And we are no longer
Two solid bodies
We become a swirling
Pool of
Madness
Lust
Hope
And love.

Eyes never shut
Always locked onto
The computer screen
As I wait for you
To get home
Late nights
Become
Early mornings
Sleepless
Restless
And it is all for you

My lovely living daydream
I don't need sleep
Nocturnal
Day after day
Always awake

And it is all for you
It has always been for you
The endless heartache
The sleepless days
The constant daydreams
The time I spent
Waiting for you
When the time was right
To sail away
With you
Until our broken ship
Sinks

"I would give up sleep for you
In a heartbeat"

I'm obsessive and compulsive
I understand why no one wants to get close to me anymore
I am a mess and find the ugly in the most beautiful things
And I drag happiness through the mud so it looks more like
How I feel all the time
I am firestarter
I burn through people like they are cigarettes
I'm a smoker
I inhale all of my sorrows and exhale "I'm fine" with a smile and tears in my eyes

The sea rests peacefully
As I wait for the moon to rise
Sinking in the sand
Completely and utterly at ease
Eyes shut
Wisps of flimsy hair
Flow sweetly around my neck
As I dream
Of singing stars
Swirling
Painting pictures of all the time
That has past

In the moon I see you
Staring back at me
And as our eyes lock once more
I begin to feel a overwhelming warmth
And the ocean tickles my feet
Still dreaming
And waiting
For the moon to light the sea
I didn't even realize the water had reached my knees
As I began to sink
I heard the stars sing

my dear,
my dear,
open your eyes
naive little girl.
open your eyes
open your heart
open your mind
open your lungs
please breathe
one more time
for us
for you
for him
open your eyes

Still my eyes remained shut
As I slowly let myself fall
Into a comforting embrace
Resided deep between the sea and the sand.

Oh darling,
You made me feel like I was floating
On the ocean
Miles and miles away
From everyone.
But now I am sinking
And the fishes are passing me by
As I think about my life
And how nothing ever seemed to turn out right

This is surreal...
I have been dreaming
For years
About this moment

When your lips
Softly
Touch mine

I have waited years
For you
To call me beautiful
(Even though I'm not)

All these years
I have waited
Thinking
We didn't have a chance

But here we are
Holding hands
This moment can't be real-
I'm sure my summer self
Would not believe it
For even a second

I filled up pages
Of my life
With utter nonsense
I filled up pages
And pages
With "Why not"s

Being with you
I slowly regret
Wasting my time
Creating enemies

But being with you
Means you could
Become my enemy too
And I'm okay with that
Because at least
You will
Still
Be mine

Pieces of you are scattered throughout my life
-Your name is embedded in every poem I write-
Yet I'm a ghost in yours

Our relationship was like the part in a movie when two people run towards each other and the main character looks so unbelievably happy and they close their eyes and just as they are about to embrace the other veers right and jumps into the arms of another.

It's never black and white or gray.
It's more of a ugly brown.
My thoughts are like a painters palette
or a house that's burning down.

You make me want to fall in a field and cry.
Why do you only tell me lies?
The person you show the world is like a drawing
you can see it from the other side of the page.
But you never share the real thing,
you keep everyone at a distance.
But what is the reason?
Self preservation?
Protection from losing and breaking and falling apart?
But you know that doesn't make pain go away
instead you create a world where you are the cause of your own destruction.

Red wine sets my insides on fire
I am filled with desire
My dreams take towards the sky
It makes me feel like I can fly

I now understand how paper beats rock
Because I am a rock
I am strong and unbreakable
On the surface
But when I am hidden from everything
I quickly breakdown
Into a big lump of nothingness

My head spins
As I lay naked
On the ground
You never knew what to make of me
Truly
I am just a moving body

It's so easy to get lost
When you don't want to be found

I find comfort in sad things
Like songs, poems, and abandoned buildings.

Getting to the point
When I can't stand
Myself and I
Don't know what to do
I physically can not move and
No one has a clue why

There's nothing left
To keep me numb
Because the weight
Crushing my lungs
Suffocating my dreams
Until I cannot see

I get to the point
When the moon
And the stars
Spin around
Me and myself
And all the light
Bleeds, it bleeds
Through my tongue
And all of my words run

There is nothing
Left to be
I was myself
I was not me
I became the demon
Who drowned me
In my sleep.
I was once
Innocent but I
Lost the keys
To my hope
And reality
I lived in my dreams
Which became nightmares
And all I did
Was sleep

I get to the point
When the moon
And the stars
Spin around
Me and myself
And all the light
Bleeds, it bleeds
Through my tongue
And all the words spill
Out my mouth

I don't know what to do
I physically cannot move

You don't know
What I would do
For you

You don't understand
How I feel
When I am
Around you

You don't feel
They way I feel
And it hurts
It really hurts

Is this what "normal" feels like?

I could say I've wasted my time with you,
but it wouldn't be true
because I don't regret our conversations or the times we sat in silence.
I don't regret all of nights I lay in my room alone, crying over you
Or the days I felt like drowning
I only regret not telling you I loved you enough

Its been six years since I met you at that football game in high school
and I still look at you with the same
admiration and longing.
And I still find myself swimming in your gorgeous green eyes
Even after all we've been through,
I still think of you in the best of ways.

Loving you when I was sixteen was like loving the ocean
I fell in love with your mystery and your impeccable beauty
And the deeper I got, the harder it was to breathe

What a waste of time
Spent drooling
Hopelessly
My eyes, drowning.
All the lights
Closing in
And darkness occupied my vision.

Blood shot eyes
Burning
Is this really living?
Resting
My eyes permanently shut

And what will it take
To keep me awake
For a simple second

Fumbling finger tips
Lazily tripping
On the mapped out seams
Of my factory sewn dress

And I am left
Vacant
Swallowed by the *****
And the rain
Sea sick of the games you play
I stared into your eyes
And I looked so defeated
Has life finally caught up with me?

At night I pour myself into my poetry and drawings.
(Even if it's not always successful)
I drink 3 cups of coffee a day
And coincidentally, I stay up past 4 in the morning.
The weekends are saved for daydreaming.

This month, the hours I spend alone far outshine the hours I spend with my friends.
I think I have more conversations with myself then with them.
Spring this year not only brings blossoms
But a new home too.
With fresh paint and cardboard boxes
I'm hoping distance will allow me to learn to live without you.

I've been trying, to forget how your face looks, and how your eyes are capable of changing tides.
I also need to stop comparing you to Gods
Because as we both know, you have flaws.
Reciprocity, is certainly one of them.

I can't help feeling like you are the light that shines in the night sky.
When I told you I still cared about you
I was expecting the worst
But you gave me a glimmer of hope and I ran with it
My diluted mind formed galaxies around us.
I have tried to pull my eyes back down to earth
But it's hard when something more beautiful exists up there.

I wish it was easier for me
To say what's on my mind
But my thoughts are like moths
And my brain is a light
It only turns off when liquor fills my stomach
And my thoughts can escape through my mouth

I wish it was easier for me
To embrace all I am blessed with
My mothers passion roars inside me
And I have my father's patience
To make it all balance.

I am in the middle of an intersection
And I can't seem to figure out
Which way I want to turn.

People are smoking and taking Xanax as if its essential for living
Its only a blind-fold used to hide their mind from all their issues
Smoking cigarettes won't make people like you
Drinking won't heal emotional damage
But I would be lying if I said it didn't help
I would be a hypocrite for smoking a cigarette
When I am stressed
I would be a hypocrite for drinking when I feel like ****
And
For using substances to help me push out the words that get stuck in my head

Suffocation is the lamest form of death
Weakness of the heart and body
I am sick and tired of you suppressing me
Wake up and smell the ashes

All these problems
Run deep within my bones
A crooked skeleton
Can never be mended

You are no surgeon
Just an arrogant fool
Who thinks they are superman
Or king of the world

I am breaking down your mind
Tearing it to pieces
And re-arranging it to fit my individuality
Stop suppressing me
I may be weak but I am growing

My eyes burn
from the pain of myself
I wish I were brilliant
witty
and thin
I want to stop crying
at every bad feeling
And I will walk away
with the ounce of self confidence
I have kept
in the back
of my heart

Claustrophobic, I am clawing
At my own skin
Suffocating from the image
Of the body I was given
My swollen eyes shrink
The view of myself
Trembling  hands
Gently throw back a drink
Which then became two
And my shallow body collapsed
Never to awake again.

Suicides
Snails swim in salt
Fish fly out of water
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Birds stay North for the winter
People trying to swim in the snow
Hypothermia
A slight burn to the nose

Suicides
A rabbit painted yellow
Waiting openly in a field
Flowers remain blossomed
In the frosted winter
A frozen death is brought upon them
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Teenagers drinking
Frequently every weekend
Nicotine addictions
Replaced with weeks full of sadness
Withdraw
Withdraw
Withdraw

Suicides
Taking a risk behind the wheel
Never hoping for survival
Diving into shark infested waters
A whole lifetime without breathing
Toxic
Toxic
Toxic

Major addictions
For a feeling
A feeling of magic
Of surreal living
Addicted to an alternative reality
Without a pause
No withdraws
No withdraws

When I watch Alice in Wonderland I say the scripts and songs softly to myself
When I cook dinner I narrate out loud as if I'm on a cooking show
When listen to my favorite song, I sing the lyrics and the melody
When I am in line for food or coffee I recite a little monologue of what I want to say to them
Because if I dont, I forget.

Teenage wasteland is right.
What a waste of time
Dreaming for the future
Which betrayed me in the end
All that time spent crying
For all the things I didn’t have
Wasted for the problems of real life
I spent most of my teenage years wasted.

Now I know why sin tastes so sweet
As humans, we don’t know the difference
Between bad and good
We have been pushed down to nothing
Constrained of creativity
Left to fight for the golden crown

The subconscious is vicious
Somehow I thought it was okay
To let myself slowly fade away
Somehow I thought it was okay
To swallow the demons
And let them feed on me

I spent so much time worrying about body image
All of that money I saved!
Then I wasted it again
I am still drenched in sin
I survive on a chain of cigarettes

I have the privilege to think back
And remember all the fun times I had
No cares in the world
That didn’t involve myself
But now I have come to realize
Life is just a game that
No one ever wins.

The cool girl.
She smokes cigarettes, drinks whiskey and beer
She LOVES all the music you listen to
She writes sad poetry
She plays "hard to get"
She is casual
She is just damaged enough for you to feel "superior"
She ***** ****, very well
She ***** like a **** star
She is always ready and willing
She never fakes an ******
She is into all the video games you like
She only beats you once or twice
She has daddy issues
She never cries
She is the "cool girl"