I shouldn't even hold on
My children all tell me, you did a little right but mostly all wrong
Feeling like I don't belong

I should let it just end
Boyfriend that will only call me a friend
Down into the darkness I descend

Standing in front of death's gate
Not fast enough to change anyone's fate
Sorrow, anguish, and guilt will not abate

Pumping my veins full of drugs
Never again to feel my soul-friend's hugs
Confronted now with only shrugs


I shouldn't even hold on
I should let it just end
Standing in front of death's gate
Pumping my veins full of drugs

©Pauline Russell

I'm sorry if you don't agree
I'm sorry if my words don't please
But take a closer look, you'll see
I write for me

All corpses are haunting, the light is gone

There is a light in each one of us, it's where it belongs

Until death takes our hand, but sometimes it doesn't shine strong

So no matter how dark life is singing her song

And you think there's no light in you, you're wrong

Yep, I watched myself get ****** over, it happen in almost slow motion. Could hear the universe laughing as I sat there for hours and hours. Really quite a few days. Sitting across from a poster where Johnny Cash as giving me the finger. Hows that for the universe screaming *******!!!!!!!

Sooner or latter your numbers gonna come up
Sooner or latter you'll have to drink from that cup

That's the reason I got my phone disconnected
Maybe, just maybe I won't be affected

But death plays for keeps
It's only job is to reap
Very few get a reprieve
Death is very hard to appease

So live every day like there is no tomorrow
Don't leave behind bad memories or sorrow

Because you might not even make it through the day
So leave them all something good to say
About your life and how you lived it
Even if you lived to be a hundred, you'll have to admit
Life is to short
Sooner or latter we'll be standing in the Almighty's court

Ties that bind
They do unwind
And there may never be an answer
It eats at us like cancer
It rots the brain
That inturn fills it up with pain
It hollows the heart
Because that's where it starts
It defens us to the truth
They did it to us in our youth
It's all been swept away Into the great abyss
And now it just grows on us like a cyst
Untill we're released
No relief

To be held by someone that knows all my corners

I kicked you out knowing you had no place to go
Your back against the rabbit hole
You took and stole, after all I done for you
That was it I was through
You had left me no choice
So I raised my voice
I want you out I screamed and shout
But once at work I had no doubt
For I knew what you would do
It would be the same thing I would carry through
So I rushed back
I was there in a flash
I made it there before you made that fatal slash
For I love you very much
But a change was a must
So I stopped the bleed
Than I set you down so you could see
Just exactly how your actions had been hurting me

You and me are so alike in your heads are broken parts
Not to mention the holes in our hearts
But despite it all we are friends
I couldn't let this be the end
While you wept
You made me promises that must be kept
For I'm done with being used
Whether you meant to
Or whether you just wasn't thinking
It's all the same ranking
This is you last chance
Everyone else is done with your dance
All you bridges you have burnt
No one else can endure your hurt
So watch your step,  if you start to stumble
If your about to crumble
Talk to me, or I'll make you go
I'll watch you fall down that rabbit hole

I know a man who is as brave as a knight
He is battling more than a lot of us could fight
In my eyes he is a true Hero
But most of the time he thinks of himself a zero
But he couldn't be further from the truth
For his compassion is one of his strongest roots

For even though chronic pain and his demons he faces
You and your problems he embraces
He can make you feel like world would be less without you
All of your pain, the love in his heart can cut through

He is never more than a message away
And you can call on him night or day
He is one of the few that will do all he can
To pick you up, stay, and hold your hand
Until on your own again you can stand
He really is one hell of a man

Even on his weakest day
When he, himself is starting to fray
And he's so full of regret
He STILL is the strongest man I've ever meet

I really wish he could see himself through my eyes
For he is one that is truly wise
And I know he would argue he is not, to the end
But strong and wise best describes, my truest dear friend

Teaching life lessons
Death abides always in them
Fairytales are grim

Your beliefs or sin, don't affect this salvation of mine
Unless I judge you, and I am unkind

Ties that bind
They do unwind
And there may never be an answer
It eats at us like cancer
It rots the brain
That inturn fills it up with pain
It hollows the heart
Because that's where it starts
It defens us to the truth
They did it to us in our youth
It's all been swept away Into the great abyss
And now it just grows on us like a cyst
Untill we're released
No relief

©Pauline Russell

Have these feeling and their all wrong
No sleep again all night long

Don't mind the blood splattered on the walls
Or on the floor, from my hand where it falls

It's nothing really just the same old song
My demons just wanted me to sing along

My name is Humpty
Everyone just dumpes on me
I know a secret most won't tell
I was cracked before I fell

Locked up tight in a lover's cage
Easy target for all his rage

Lies being continually fed
I love you was said
Caught in his web

Sweetly tainted words he continued to weave
How was I ever that ****** naive
Blindly continuing to believe

Moved far from home and friends, freedom firmly suppressed
Long sleepless nights and days of no rest
As his crazy obsessions slowly manifest

Walking on eggshells till the next rampage
Locked up tight in an iron cage
Easy prey for all his rage

Never really knowing why or when the next attack
One word taken wrong, my jaw he would jack
Kept constantly pregnant, so I couldn't fight back

I realize from the outside looking in it's hard to construe
People say leave, but they haven't the slightest clue
But here on the inside, he means every death threat that's spewed

They just don't know that type of griping fear
Of keeping your children safe and near
While trying to hide all the violence from their eyes and ears

What if I left, tried to break free
Would he **** me, like he promised with glee
Would the kids survive, there's no guarantee

I know if he raised them, they would surely be twisted  
As adults would they follow in his steps, also be addicted
I fear their view of love would grow so sadistic

I was determined to get my kids out of his hellish cage alive
One day my opportunity did faithfully arrive
Leaving him to rot in his own putrid cell, while watching us thrive

               NEVER AGAIN

Will I be locked up in a lover's cage

               NEVER AGAIN

Will I be an easy target for rage

©Pauline Morris

He literally died in my arms though they brought him back a few times. He was my soul friend and roommate. There wasn't a day that went by we didn't say "I love you" to each other. I see him everywhere I look. And the horrifying sight of them giving him CPR when his heart stopped right after they got here. He loved and knew me better than anyone else ever had or ever will. I feel incomplete, apart of me will now always be missing.

Panic attacks on top of anxiety
I'm in the fire, just fry me
The wolfs are circling my house
I'm feeling like a little grouse
Their howls are rattling my windows
The stress is starting to show
They're throwing their bodys against the door
I'm just laying here on the floor
If all they wanted was blood, that I could give them
I could give them enough blood to swim in
But they want more
Please someone lock the door
Made to deal with people I don't want to
So very much to do
And the panic ensues
I need a new pair of running shoes
So I could out run these *******
And there **** brothers
But alas that I can't do
And so anxiety grew and grew
Now I'm in panic mode
My soul is being sold
I just need someone to hold
Someone to be my shield
So I can be healed
**** this I'm going down
I'm drowning and there is no sound
No ripples on the water
No one will even know I faltered
Silence is all that will be left
I'll sink in with no regrets

If only my loved ones knew how hard I've fought
If only they knew all the directions I've sought

Agony finally overcame me, now out on the rim
I hope they know my last thoughts are of them

©Pauline Russell

My thoughts they are provoking
The darkness that is encroaching

The new wounds I made last night
Reminds me today things are not right
Not right in my life, not right in my mind
Hell, to my own self I can't be kind

The sting of my new scars remind me all day
That I am still living in the gray
I'm still alive, but not really living
The blade is so unforgiving

So I trudge through my time at work
Dealing with the many jerks
Begging the time to fly faster
Trying to elude disaster
For over my emotions I am no master

I just want to run back to my hole
It's the safest place I know
But that is also where my pain hides
A million tears I've cried
Where the razor slides
Where I almost died

But there is no one there to see the mess I make
How the ground beneath me quakes
Or to hear the screams that from my lips brakes
When from the nightmares that I wake

No one throws me a bone
I'm so very much alone
But thats ok
No one can deal with me anyway

Cold sweats, clammy hands
******* the life out of me
Phasmophobia

I use to belive everything had a begaining and an end
infinity I did not belive in
But you my love, have changed my mind
Because our love will last beyond that time

The road I was placed on was ***** and dark
No human kindness, not even a spark

The monsters are always pursuing
They are my lifes undoing

So now I'm trying to fly with out wings
Without a voice I'm trying to sing

Those monsters wont leave me alone
Oh, what horrors to me they've shown

I wish for someone that can console me
When the putrid memories start flowing

I wish for someone to hold me tight
When I'm in the middle of the fight

But monsters are all that have a hold
It's left me bone tired and cold

How useless to wish upon a falling star
That on the ground only leaves another scar

As I lie here dying.
Wonder if I should have kept trying.
maybe I should have held on a little longer.
Untill I grew stronger

But I could see
That there would never be
Any love in my life
Stabbed with a knife
In the heart was the strike
Now it's as dark as night

And my living corpse walked on
Walking in the perpetual dawn
Of all the things that have gone wrong
This is the wish that I will sound
I hope my body's never found
And I just melt back into the ground

Misconstrued and thrown about
Of want and need there is no doubt
Pull me close within your folds
Save me from the great unknown

Make my mind float away
Hush all my voices and what they say
Let my body heave one big sigh
Let me taste how it is to die

Your glossy nails sink into my veins
Let nothing remain the same
You are mine, I am yours
To my memories you close the doors

You are my friend, my confidant
You leave me without a single want
Except for more of you
Oh the beautiful things you can do

Until the time I must turn away
My body is begging me to stay
With sweat pouring out of every
pore
All I need is more and more
You drive me mental
For at first you are so gentle
You wore a poker face, no tell
Then you left me in the depths of hell

A woman draped in a black hooded dress
Softly and slowly the coffin she caress
She is here for the death
She is quiet bereft
The tears slide down her flawless face
Cheeks a pink rose tint, lips blood red hue, there's no disgrace
Her hair is raven colored, she is nothing, if not grace
Her healing hands over her face she places
Her gut wrenching anguished moans can be heard for miles
She falls to her knees in the aisles
Behind her closed eyes she sees every moment of this life
The microseconds of happiness the years of anguish and strife
She cries and wails for a life lived this way
She moans and sways
For in that coffin is where her life lays

A darkened soul, with a touch of beauty no doubt
Beautiful inside, because of the scars on the out
The pain can not be locked
Inside
Cuz if it was we would surly die
So the wounds leak with blood in thin lines
The fear within,it just grinds
But what a beautifully sad soul that's locked inside
Waiting patiently for someone to find

I'm out of my depth
Out of breath
In over my head
Filled with dread
Lost at sea
Down on my knees
Tossed in the fire
Lost in desire
Churned in the coals
Playing the roles
Left in the sun
In front of the gun
Out in the snow
As the northern wind blows
Blinded by the light
In my forever darkened night

Giving in is easy
When there is nothing in this life that is pleasing
Brought in to this life as a living sacrifice
I am but a human I have no rights
Angels have their fun with me
Even the ones from heaven, watch with glee
Battered around and about
Then they watch as I bleed out
Angels surround us that is true
But do you sincerely think they protect you
They are there to make sure you hurt
They can't wait till you are turned back to dirt
They are men and evil is man
Be them angelic, or of the human brand
They will make you suffer as all around you they stand
So take me out of this land
I'd reather drowned in quicksand

I didn't move, a scarcely breathed, I didn't want to intervene
What a brilliantly magnificent sight I seen
What played out before my eyes was extraordinarily serene

Intently I watched with child like bewilderment
So slowly with great passion, the Sun kissed the sky, what unforgettable contentment
Never before had I stopped to realize just how they were so compassionate

The colors erupted, as their lips met each others
With magnificently bright yellows, oranges, and reds the sky was covered
For a fraction of a moment, with their glorious love the whole world was smothered

©Pauline Russell

Sifting through the ashes of my life
Trying hard to find something thats went right
I search and look, **** and poke
It's begaining to look like my life was a joke

How could this be
I tried so hard just to be me
I look back on my time line
On me was committed many a crime
It changed me to a sad little being
But I still managed to keep on singing

But it didn't seem to be enough
Now life is calling my bluff
I'm sitting here with so much rust
Feeling mighty hollow, nothing but crust
So I'm just gonna sit right down
And in the ashes of my life I'll just drown

You can't control it, that's just the deal
Sometimes you're the mouth, sometimes the meal
Fate does not care how you feel

Converging lines that do not meet
Even though we look and seek
We only find circles that do not close
It's just the way the story goes
We only ever see half a picture
We only see through our eye's stricture

If only our heart had eyes
Maybe then we'd see why
If we call someplace paradise
We condemn it to die
We can kiss it goodbye


So make the best of what you got
Don't get lost in the mayhem of your thoughts
You'll never find exactly what you sought
You must deal with what the fates have brought
Come what may, with your pants down don't get caught

Now you see me, now you don't
I want to run, but maybe I wont
Frozen in time, still always moving
Memories flawed, futures always proving
Agony unwavering, is always changing
Happiness unreachable, yet so nearing
Things unwanted, forever need
Wounds have healed, scars still bleed
Always right, standing in the wrong
Feelings left to die, forever live on

You act as if you hadn't a clue
You act as if I hadn't talked to you
You act as if I hadn't tried till in the face I was blue

I did, I tried
I did, but you only sighed
I did,rivers of tears I cried

Why are you such a *******
Why is your agony dispread
Why did you not listen and ended up mislead

I beckoned you to come near
I beckoned you so I could make it clear
I beckoned you but you only looked at me with that sneer

So I let you do it your own way
So I let you become the prey
So I let you crumble in just mere days

Now i'll just set and watch
Now I'll just set while all of it you botch
Now I'll just set as you make another notch

If only you had not just listened but heard
If only you hadn't let things get so blurred
If only you hadn't acted so absurd

I sat and I watched you expire
I sat and I watched as your situation got dire
I sat and I watched as you set yourself on fire

I wrestled with my demons last night
It all was such a terrible sight
It felt like I had won the right
To just gave in and called off the fight
In this life I'm such an awful blight
And next time I might let them win
But for now I'll stay within this skin

It's time to prophesize with our pen
Our hero's are being carted off by white coated men
There is so many that need saving
The war outside is raging
It's rattling our Windows and shake our walls
Listen up poets you can hear the call

Pick up your mighty pen
Record all that is inhuman
The doomsday clock is ticking down very fast
All the greedy men are counting up their cash
The darkness is spreading yet again
As the world is stretching towards the end

So we all must shed some light
Let us all just take a bite
Of what is and isn't right
Let our fellow man see the true sight
Of what is being lost within the fight
Let them start to ask if it's worth the plight

With that self inflicted wound were she ripped out her own soul
There was things she didn't know
Things that also had to go

What went first was empathy
Followed close by sympathy
Then of course was faith
But that really died with years of agonizing wreath
I would say dreams
But those died years ago it seems

What hurt the most
And why it was so hard to cope
Was the microcosm thin string holding hope
It was crushed in the grind
No where you look, will you find

She no longer believed in yin and yang
Or karma, they where the same, nonexistent
She seemed to know it in an instant
Nothing happened for a reason
To think that would be treason
It was all just random chaos, and dumb luck
Just depends on what side of the coin you're stuck
There was only random acts of cruelty
This world is more than unruly

With these facts now planted firmly in her head
What little light within her fled
The darkness slowly seeped inside
As she gasped out one silent sigh
Now totally consumed, she would never shed a tear, it was as if she had never cried
For her former self passed away, her old personality died

I thought you were a friend of mine
I thought you was a treasured find

Only when it came to fruition
Did I see the true situation

I was no more than a pawn
You just played me all along

I opened my home and heart to you
On my friendship you just chew

As you spitting out words of friendship and love
While holding that anvil out of sight, high above

Now I'm flattened once again
Loving people my greatest sin

This time I refuse to mend
This time I snapped, I didn't bend

For evil is what I receive from men
This time I refuse to have another friend

©Pauline Russell

You call
Leave a message
"I'm in a fall"
Terrifying presage
"I ****** up"
Pulse quickens
"Drunk from deaths cup"
Blood thickens
"I've took to many"
Stomachs turning
"My prognosis is deadly"
Heart burning
"I love you friend"
Hands shaking
"This I did not intend"
Dialing faster
Message over
No answer

I can't catch my breath
I can't grasp your death
Living on without you
I simply don't want to do

I can't stop the pain
I can't stop the rain
Pouring from my eyes
Every heart beat is a sigh

I can't stop the grief
I can't stop the disbelief
You're everywhere I look
You're not a chapter you're my book

The memory of what he did brought even more memories to mind
Slow at first but picking up speed, it's all starting to unwind
I don't want to look, I don't want to find
But when I close my eyes there they are right behind

It's been almost a year, but all these thoughts have come rushing in
Because it is mushroom season again
The woods I would have to go within
I always loved to romp about out there,but now thoughts twist and bend
Losing my sanctuary was the greatest sin

Dragging me out to my beautiful wood, so I could be his prey
The feel of the freash damp earth under foot, birds chirping in the trees, I will remember it ALL till my dying day

My hands tied behind my back, it would be easier for him that way
He pushed me to my knees, invading me from behind just like my step daddy did so a ****** I'd stay
He knew it would bring back those memories of my yesterday's

With that veil evil deed, so many things got lost
My woods, singing birds, the river's bend, what a cost
No more fishing, no more camping, no place to take off my disguise
No sanctuary to run to, all of this I'm starting to realize

He was an intelligently crazy
He was destroy the last place that was my safety
He was taking my last bit of joy I could get
He was very cunning in that, I'll have to admit

He found away to continue to bring me agony
After all these years he couldn't just let me be
He made my tormented life worse by many degrees
So now standing at the edge of the woods I freeze

He took my place
To feel warm and safe
New and catastrophic agony is now a cold fire inside
There is no place to hide
It's left me fighting hard not to end it all and die

Just hang me on a hook
Everyone has already took
Hang me with the other tools
But please, don't mistake me for a fool

I really didn't mind
Giving to others my time
For when you look, you'll find
It's the ONLY thing that's worth a dime

There really wasn't a day
That I didn't give pieces of myself way
I tried, I did all I could
Never caring I'd be misunderstood

I really was quite amused
When others thought I was being used
I don't regret how my time was spent
Or those that came and went

This is the saddest day
I can give no more of myself away
Now I'll just sit and wait
See what is in my fate

Will others let me drink from their cup
Fill my spirt back up
Fill the pieces in
Let me sing again

Or will I hang on this hook and rust
Slowly turning to dust
I don't care either way
I fought for every single day

I stumbled, often fell
Ran into walls as well
But I always fought, gave it hell
I tried to spend my time well
On things that truly mattered
I was thought of as crazy like the Mad Hatter

They just didn't know
The meaning of life, how it goes

Don't be selfish with yourself or your time, joyfully give it away
Walking into future with faith and hope someone, someday
Will give pieces of themselves to you
When your season is due.

Drown my screams out with your chatter
I'm unseen, I don't matter
Please don't give me another thought
In the grip of nothingness I was caught
Day by day I slowly slipped away
As I slowly faded to gray
You never noticed, you never knew
Noting in your life was askew
Once upon a time I use to cross your mind
The best erasing is done by time
Now I'm but a gray mist,that floats before your minds eyes
That before you can grasp the memory away it flies

Left standing in the rain
Left with all the pain
Left with all the strain

Left with the horror show
Left while you turn and go
Left while you threw the blow

Left shackled and in chains
Left with nothing left to gain
Left with nothing in my brain

Left out in the cold
Left with the winds that blow
Left out in the snow

Left with all the grief
Left while you still reap
Left with open wounds that seep

Throw your sticks and stones
I've been in this place before
I know how it goes

You lied and used all of me you could
I knew you where lying, but it felt so good

I kept my secrets and mystery
You just became my living fantasy

Someone to make belive with
I know your loves a myth

I'll just play along
I know your song

I'll just pretend
Until it reaches it's inevitable end

A tiredness has seeped into my bones
My arms and legs are so heavy, they feel like stones
Can hardly keep my eye's open, they keep drifting closed
Not a good thing driving ninety down the road

Should I pull over, or just press on
Maybe I'll end up on the families lawn
Or drift off and hit a tree
Make a gory mess of me

Either one sounds just fine
Wonder what the morning light will find
What will be my final devastation
I speed up to find out which will be my final destination

The ground beneath her is shaking
Her world again is rearranging
The stars and moon are falling, crashing to the earth
The sun to light had given birth
But the sun imploded
Leaving no motive
So there she stands in the inky black nothing
Eye's wide open, but seeing not a thing
No voices, not even in her brain
It all happened so fast it was insane
One minute a beautiful blue sky day
The next it all lay in decay
Blackness so heavy it's hard to move
But slowly she makes her way, she finds a groove.
In her pocket she finds the pills
To cure the oppressive ills
She finds a place beside a dark shattered star
Lies down beside it, they both are marred
She thows her arm around it felling only coldness
But at lest to something it is closeness
For love brought on this destruction
So from the dark star she will get her fluxion
Because it will never leave her side
As long as she has money to buy

Please little pill
Help me not to feel
**** it where it starts
Right there in the heart
As sorrow gathers up and multiplies
Tears trickling, gone is my disguise
Please dear pill rush to my side
Let you chemicals be applied

Awww, feeling no pain
As the drugs tickles my brain
Maybe I'll live through today
But as for tomorrow who's to say

©Pauline Russell

Your pretty face is going to hell
I'll stand here and watch you yell
**** I'll even ring the bell
So everyone will know your there
Fire so hot no water can quell
Your flesh burning will be the only smell
Forever, through out eternity there you'll dwell
Shackled and chained in a cell
Cracked and fried, your fragile shell
Look how **** far you fell


What a ridiculous notion
My God would never cause that kind of commotion
For hell is really just the absence of God and his devotion
Tell me as a parent could you cause your child that kind of emotion

The light cut the dark like a steel bladed razor
Straight through the vain, straight to the heart of it
The truth has such a savory flavor
Once what was hidden in the depth of the pit
Is dragged into the light
Although it can be painful and tough like denim
Like a snake bite
It might still hurt,but it will lose it's venom
So let us air out our closets
Finally give them skeletons a proper burial
You know where to make your deposit
Let us all acknowledge our pain, and give it the proper memorial
For the truth is crimson red
And it bleeds us out in the dark of night
No need to carry it to our deathbed
Just put it in the light