My life is now back as it was before
Standing on the outside, as the cold rains pour
I'm battle bruised and very sore
Tired of love's slamming door
As my heart gets stomped into the floor
I loved you right down to your very core
When I asked, silence was your only roar
Your silence it spoke so much more
Guess it's time to tally the score
Seems I was just your little *****

©Pauline Russell

Write my name up in the sky
Let me fly way up high
Instead of always the painful cry
To lose the feeling of wanting to die

I'm tired of living in the dirt
Everything down here just hurts
With the Devil is who I flirt
He's wanting desperately for me to convert

I want my broken wings to mend
If not a smile, I at lest deserve to grin
But I've been covered in to much sin
To ever see my happy face again

All I ask is for a day
For things to simply not go array
For things to just for once go my way
If only I in my life I had a say

Just one day out of a lifetime
To simply be all in a line
For everything to be fine
For everything to fall in sink and rhyme

But if my past has taught me anything
Is there will never be a reason to sing
For the future only misery will bring
Still stuck in lifes boxing ring

I keep getting knocked down, knocked out
I keep trying different routes
After all these years all I have is doubts
To battered and bruised to get up, all I can do is shout

But just one single day, a short 24 hours
Where I don't lay in bed and cower
Just one day to bloom and flower
To escape from this locked tower

But I know thats to much to ask
I should just relax
In this darkness I will continue to bask
Just let me pull back down my mask

Black slimy books, black slimy words
Black slimy fingers cramed them into a black slimy worlds

In my cracked up mind those slimy black words sunk in
This is how the end will begain

Blackbird sitting on my windowsill
Wait for me to seal the deal

Those black slimy words soon accumulates
They become black slimy books, my imagination stimulates

The black goat waits outside my window patiently
As the black sheep walks around aimlessly

The black slimy books have now become blood slimy pictures
Seen through my mind's eye with stricter
It was all becoming the perfect blood slimy mixture

The black goat has now donned his crown
He beckons me to come on down
To stand beside him on the earths ground

The blood slimy pictures are now a blood soaked movie in my head
That plays over and over and over, till I'm filled with blood soaked dread


So I seal the deal with the blackbirds blood
Emotions overwhelms me like a torrential raging flood
Then the emotions are suddenly gone with a thud

So if you are reading this you might see why
I left with the black goat, so dont you cry
Maybe I'll be back as time goes by







(Note found in the same room
As the rocking drooling fool, Chanting about the coming doom)

If I can not fly
Let at lest my voice touch the sky

If I can't sing
Then let the rain do it's thing

If I can't be washed clean
If I remain stuck here in between

Go ahead and ring that bell
Call the devil to rush me off to hell

I just don't care
I'm afraid I'm already there

We are all imprisoned here in this space of time
We are all hunting for a love that is divine
We are all longing for a love to let us be
We are all searching for that love to set us free

We want to find the one where our mask can fall away
We want to find the one that will love us everyday
We want to find the one that accepts us as we are
We want to find the one that loves our every flaw

Some of us find it early in life and grow old with our love
Some of us are still searching for signs from up above
Some of us found the wrong love but are willing to try again
Some of us have given up and are just waiting for this sorrowful life to end


Sometimes it takes years and lessons to be learned
Sometimes it takes years to get all that we so yearn
Sometimes it takes only a day, for another's heart to come in to play
Sometimes it takes only a day for another's heart to finally hear what we've had to say

Buried alive in a worm box
As he smuggle stood on top
"***** I'm burying you alive"
"No one will hear your cries"
The worms wiggled around behind my back
I struggled there in the pitch black
The smell of freash earth was so overpowering
And on top he just stood there towering
I clawed at the lid
Of that old frig
But he was to heavy it did not give
My oxygen was soon depleted
I knew then I was defeated
Buried alive in a worm box
Who would of ever thought

As you can see I survived that day
But when at last on a cold slab I lay
And when they put that tag on my toe
It's off to the crematorium I go
Because being buried once is quite enough
I really am not all that tough

Maybe one day things will fall into place
Maybe one day I'll fall into grace
Maybe one day there will be a smile on my face
Maybe one day I'll draw the ace
Maybe one day my sadness will be replaced
Maybe one day I won't walk in disgrace
Maybe one day I won't feel displaced
Maybe one day I won't feel I'm being chased
Maybe one day I'll win this ******* race
Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll feel love's embrace

Though I doubt it,.......................but MAYBE

Life has me in a stranglehold
It's leaving me blue and cold
I'm laying here gasping for air
Wishing out there someone would care
Like a begger on the street
They just hurry past when our eyes meet

No one wants to help the lost
No one wants to pay the cost
No one wants to find whats gone
No one wants to hear that song

The wages of sin is death
It's not all mine, still I'm ******* in my last breath
This may be my dying day
I'm so lost within the fray

I have surly lost my way
In this bottomless hole I'm forced to stay
I'm so very weak
Tears constantly leak
Down my face and to my feet
Trying so desperately my secrets to keep

For one small glance at this darkened hole
Of what use to be my soul
Will make the most courageous man faint
For this life if mine would devastate
Even the most holiest saint

Lonely and withered is how I live my life
Human monsters are my gripe
They have pillaged and stole
They have ripped in me a great big hole
The wounds they've made will never heal
Pleasure of living they surely did steal

So I stay away from all mankind
For my death certificate they have already signed
They just **** me slowly, a piece at a time
One day you'll look, there'll be nothing to find

I look back on years gone by
Trying to figure out the how and why
How we clung to each other trying to easy the pain
We clung to each other in the cold November rain
The rains have come around again this year
All alone I'm standing here
Head held down
As this cold *** rain splatters on the ground
Making puddles at my feet
Was I travel down this dead end street
The cold penetrates my bones
For your not here I'm all alone
Your memories can't keep me warm
Only images of you in my mind are formed
They where desperate times for you and me
But looking back I can clearly see
We where never ment to be
I was only a life raft in your troubled sea
I wish I'd known then I was just your crutch
That I didn't mean that much
For now the only sound that resounds
In this frozen heart of mine, is this cold November rain falling down

Demons walk this house of mine
They do it at night from time to time
They frighten my guests
And startle my pet's
My cat just sits and stares
My dog her teeth she bears
They just push her aside
She runs and hides

They walk last night again my floors
So I got up and shut the bedroom door
Of course they do what they alway do
My door they pass right through
I tried to ignore them as on my bed I sat
But not tonight they would have none of that
They were there to chat

What do you want, I asked with disgust
They spoke with the tongues of cosmic dust
We are here to watch and savor
Your situation will soon be much graver

Three shadow men in front of me stood
Glowing eyes stared out from under their darkened hood
One pointed at the table, one at the razor, one at my hand
Time it slowed, the hourglass lost it's sand

Then they said, we are here for you our dear friend
My hand started to shake, and then extend
I gave them a determined look
And pulled my hand back although it shook

You can make me cut, you have many times before
I know it's the smell and taste of my blood you adore
You can even make me take my life
They laughed so hard at that, We only want to bring you strife
You silly human child
It's not you blood we desire

Although we do like to watch your blood flow
What we want is the pain to grow
It's just a plus to make you bleed
But it's on your human soul we feed
And your agony makes it all the sweeter
So your life we make sure it's so much bleaker

I ordered them out of my room
I demanded they take their gloom
They swiftly moved, pinned me down and entered my head
And now I'm wishing that I was not food but dead!

You gently hold my head and look into my eyes
I can feel you searching for what I keep deep inside
I try to shift my gaze, trying my demons and monster to hide

It doesn't work, you hold me tight
My body stiffens, I want to take flight
For what resides within me is a horrific sight

I try to keep you at a distance, I don't want you to close
I don't want to scare you away with my many ghost
It's because I like you a lot more than most

But still you insists on peering in
To see what dwells beneath my skin
I know this is the begaining of the end

For no one that sees inside, stays
It just happens to be that way
They are always scared by the gray

They don't even see the very bottom, the dark
They just leave another scar, another mark
I'm to shattered, my life to stark

I had a golden heart, that long ago was beaten and crushed
I think is was because I loved to much
All those that through my life rushed

But I don't want you to go
So please don't look into my eyes to see my soul
After all theses years it's to black, to cold
I don't want the empty void to show
I want if only for a few nights, you to hold

Monkey's awake
Crawling on in
Just under the skin
He start to rake

Throw the switch
Hands start shaking
Feel the quaking
A growing itch

Self control wanes
He always wins
Know how it ends
With me not sane

Sitting in her empty room she took another long drink from the bottle of whisky
She knew drinking alone for her was quit risky
But she was far beyond caring, far beyond giving a ****
She thinks back on her life, she could see it was all a sham
No one looking in could see
Her life lay among the debris
Of what should of been but as time had showed would never be
Pure agony in diffrent degrees

She looks around her room in the closest hung her clothes
Most of them for work, thats the only place she goes
The stereo on a table
The music is her escape when she is able
In the corner the tv
She stares at but what's playing she rarely sees
Her big comfy bed with lots of pillows
Where alone she cries and bellows

Yes at a quick glance it all looks normal, but take a closer look
It's easy to see like all the stacks of books
On the walls nothing hangs
They are blank, there plain
No posters, not one pictures, no happy memories to look back on
Yes look close enough you can see something is all wrong

She's finally had enough liquid courage
To finally end all her troubles and worries
She goes to her closest reaches up on the top shelf
Takes down her revolver and clutches it to herself

With shaking hands she retrieves the bullets from the dresser drawer
Every inch of the barrel her fingers explore
She loads one bullet into the camber, clicks it back and spins it
She's going to let the Gods and fate decide if she is fit

She raises the cold unfeeling gun to her temple
Her hand is now steed not even a tremble
Very slowly she pulls the trigger
Stopping she didn't even consider

No one heard the boom
That resounded inside that lonely room
Over was all of her agonizing delirium
She didn't feel any pain as that bullet tore through her cranium
Her walls are no longer pitifully plain
They are now beautifully painted with her blood and her brain

Fell
Stuck in a well
Halve way to Hell
Down
Will I be found
So way underground
Hard
My body is charred
I drew my last card

I chased away my demons and my Angel died
Now all I can do is sit and cry
I didn't know he needed them to survive
I'm so very empty now neither ones inside
I'll welcome back my demons so my death they can ensue
My beautiful Angel is dead so there is nothing else to do

I think I've sprung a leek
There's nothing more to seek
Creating my own ocean
Void of all commotion
My eyes are turning gray
For today I'll just float away
Upon my sea of red
For your silence was all that needed to be said

The sun blazes across the tops of the trees
The wind has changed into it's cool late breeze
The heat of the day receding with the sun
Another day is being put to rest,  it's done
Time to gather around the fire
The flames lick the coming night, the light soft expires

We watch the flames dance
Talk of romance
Of childhood memories
Of life's remedies
We reminisce of friends and loved ones now passed
Realizing how long it's been since we had them last
Speaking of how our children have grown
The blessing of them having kids of their own

It's funny how time silently slides past
Only in looking back can we see the shadows that it cast
Just as the fire does, till it burns down to embers
When my fire expires, will I be added to those they remember
As they sit around the fire and reminisce
About all the friends that they miss

We hug each other as we go
Because life is short,  that much we know
"Till we meet next time"
Is not ment for just this life, but the next in line
We hold them close in our hearts at all cost
For TRUE friends can never be lost

As soon as the words pass my lips
I feel a cold fear that grips
I thought compassion, and empathy was my curse
But this is much, much worse

I feel it sink in
That cursed brunt symbol
Entered my skin
I don't understand why
But the blazing pain makes me utter a small cry
I want to scream make the birds take flight
But I don't want to fight

With the symbol sunk into my soul below
Somehow I just know
The Dark Lord is on the prowl
I pull closer my cowl
I can hear in the far distance he's beasts blood curdling howl

I look where the branded scar use to be
But now there are just smooth dark lines to see
The darkness of that symbol is now inside and out
To the Heavens in red hot rage I want to shout
What the hell is this curse all about

Instead I quit myself from within
I must find my zen
To protect this brave knight he must stay out of sight
He must rest before he finishes his plight
I don't want so soon to take flight
So I enchant this place, the trees twist and bend
They form a tight entangled twisted thorny dome, nothing can get in
But from the darkest evil we're still prone

I lay my weary aching body down by the fire
Contemplating how I'd got ****** into this mire
It wasn't long before my body gave in and my eyes retired
Asleep only for minutes when I was startled awake
Did I hear a noise, I wasn't sure I laid there to sense our fate
Hearing nothing more I almost relaxed till that shiver started to creep up my spine I didn't want to look, I didn't want to find

But fear like an misty black fog started to roll over my soul
This fear I didn't want to know
Like a storm cloud with a million little lighting bolts
It was passing through my body with a jolt
All striking my skin, a million shocks electrifying and multiplying my fear
I knew the Dark Lord was drawing near

Are there others out there like me, broken, used, and abused
Are there others out there so thoroughly confused
Are there others out there so ******* tired of being used
Are there others out there that feels so numb
So dumb
So much in pain
So drained
So full of emotion
So sick of the motion
So full of tears
So full of fears
So full of scars
So ******* marred
So done with lies
So ready to die
Yet so hollow
Fearing what's to fallow
So depressed
Theres nothing left
Can do nothing but moan
Or am I alone

You keep on slipping and sliding
All my questions you are Dodging
So I know there is something you are hiding
So you I am chiding
Now our future we must be deciding
It sure feels as if your love for me is subsiding
And the gap between us is widening
As that knife of silence in my heart you are driving
For our future I am so desperately fighting
But every day I feel it all dying
Please baby why is it me now that you are despising
As you leave me shattered on the floor crying
And our love's death certificate you are signing

Writhing in pain
Nothing to gain
Nothing to lose
Nothing to chose
Nothing but death
I wouldn't regret

Along came you
Love ensues
A light in darkness
Love engulfs us
My heart in flight
Changes my sight

Time ticking by
Wishing it'd fly
Every day closer
Maintaining composure
To far away
Counting days

When we touch
Bodies clutch
Softly entwine
Love divine
It'll be to much
We'll finally erupt
Forever mine
A Love of all time

Emotionally
Hemorrhaging feelings within
A trillion tears cried

I can't help it let the true be told
I can't help it if the mirror's cold
I can't help it that the reflection's changed
I can't help it if I'm not the same
I can't help it so little remains
I can't help it tormented by the pain
I can't help it I'm almost gone
I can't help it, it's all gone wrong
I can't help it what's  been stole
I can't help it the mirror's cold

Living a life full of shadows, full of echoes
Voices from my past bellows
In my head and in my heart
They seem to want to tear me apart
To make me pay a price I don't owe
The devil put a price on my soul
He's tried to crush me
Rush me
Brush me aside
Make me hide
God's angels join in
Chasing away any friend

I'm not ment for heaven or hell
I just ride the growing swell
Until I'm dropped into the hole
Where all the unwanted souls go
The black abyss will be a welcome sight
No longer having to put up a fight
There in the darkness I'll dwell in delight
Far from hell's dogs
Or those heavenly hogs

Alone....own....own.....own........own

Sitting on the soft floor surrounded by white
Hugging your self wither you want to or not
The light is so very, very bright
In your head your screaming stop

Because they're buzzing so loud
And it's the only **** sound
But the voices in your head are starting to crowd
In your brain they are circling and twirling around

How did I end up here
I don't remeber a thing
There is nothing at all that is clear
Did I finally snap, that one final little string

Oh those ******* lights won't they stop
My voices yell in unison, it's causing them pain
That buzzing is gonna make me blow my top
If it don't stop soon it'll dive them insane

And if the voices go nutty what will happen to me
**** it's been hours, or has it been minutes
I'm not sure, seconds it might be
I'm being pushed past my limits

Still, tho I can't see a clock
I can feel time ticking by
Or maybe it's not
I would know if I could see the sky

But that is impossible so I just rock and I sway
The buzzing has now become my back beat
I know it's been years now, or maybe just days
I can't tell this room is dripping with deceit

I know when they open that door
Drowned in my own drool
Right there on the floor
Just another crazy fool

This night just seems not to end
It stretches on much to my chagrin
I lay in this bed trapped in this skin

Why must life be this way
Why must lonely nights lead into sorrowful day
Why must in my head all these thoughts play

As I lay here and wait for the light
Trying to decide if I should give up the fight
But I don't live for myself so I haven't the right

So I just toss and I turn
Stressed and stomach churns
And my scars just burn

Maybe with a new day
I'll look at things a different way
Maybe I'll have better things to say

For now even my bones feel heavy
I'm hoping my tears don't break down the levee
Praying tomorrow I can hold everything steady

When I die and go away
All I want is sweet decay
No Heavenly violins or strumming harp
All I want is pitch black dark
No streets of gold
My pain it could never hold
No pearly beautiful gates
Gates belong on cages and crates
So please my loving God, take me off your list
I just no longer want to exist

©Pauline Russell

You gently hold my head and look into my eyes
I can feel you searching for what I keep deep inside
I try to shift my gaze, trying my demons and monster to hide

It doesn't work, you hold me tight
My body stiffens, I want to take flight
For what resides within me is a horrific sight

I try to keep you at a distance, I don't want you to close
I don't want to scare you away with my many ghost
It's because I like you a lot more than most

But still you insists on peering in
To see what dwells beneath my skin
I know this is the begaining of the end

For no one that sees inside, stays
It just happens to be that way
They are always scared by the gray

They don't even see the very bottom, the dark
They just leave another scar, another mark
I'm to shattered, my life to stark

I had a golden heart, that long ago was beaten and crushed
I think is was because I loved to much
All those that through my life rushed

But I don't want you to go
So please don't look into my eyes to see my soul
After all theses years it's to black, to cold
I don't want the empty void to show
I want if only for a few nights, you to hold

Refined by the fire
Of others sins and desires

Brash and bold
To hot to hold

Beaten with wrath
A ****** aftermath

Left with the weight
Of guilt and hate

Made to succumb
Reliving what was done

Every night in my dreams
It plays like a movie screen

Echoes of screams
Bounce off of moon beams

Thrashing in a sea of white
Over and over, the same fight

There's no leaving the past in the past
As every night it leaves me aghast

So take that advice
That's like raw nerves under ice

Think about it thrice
For it is far from suffice

My war rages on
From dusk till dawn

©Pauline Russell

I Was buried last night
As word after word you shoveled over me
Telling me with my sadness you could not deal
I put up no fight
I just slipped into the bathroom
Your words following "you going in there to cry"
As the tears slid silently down my face of steel
I sat till no more tears came
You attacked me at my weakest
I turned off my feelings, I could no longer feel
My face a blank slate
I was at my meekest
I plastered on a smile
But I guess it didn't carry enough weight
I guess I didn't have the expression of a child
So what am I to do
I don't know anymore how to be fake
So I just continue to smile
My steel face will be all you ever see till I'm through
Until someday soon you lay me in the dirt

That's the day I'll no longer hurt

With my pen I try to slay the demons
I am determined to chase them from my eden
With the inky darkness I will paint my picture
I will paint them with such stricture
My words will flow
And everyone I'll show
They will no longer be allowed to reside
Hidden deep inside
With the darkness of my ink
I will bring them to the brink
With the black flow, I'll shine the light
On their hideous form, no longer hiding in the night

The memory of what he did brought even more memories to mind
Slow at first but picking up speed, it's all starting to unwind
I don't want to look, I don't want to find
But when I close my eyes there they are right behind

It's been almost a year, but all these thoughts have come rushing in
Because it is mushroom season again
The woods I would have to go within
I always loved to romp about out there,but now thoughts twist and bend
Losing my sanctuary was the greatest sin

Dragging me out to my beautiful wood, so I could be his prey
The feel of the freash damp earth under foot, birds chirping in the trees, I will remember it ALL till my dying day

My hands tied behind my back, it would be easier for him that way
He pushed me to my knees, invading me from behind just like my step daddy did so a ****** I'd stay
He knew it would bring back those memories of my yesterday's

With that veil evil deed, so many things got lost
My woods, singing birds, the river's bend, what a cost
No more fishing, no more camping, no place to take off my disguise
No sanctuary to run to, all of this I'm starting to realize

He was an intelligently crazy
He was destroy the last place that was my safety
He was taking my last bit of joy I could get
He was very cunning in that, I'll have to admit

He found away to continue to bring me agony
After all these years he couldn't just let me be
He made my tormented life worse by many degrees
So now standing at the edge of the woods I freeze

He took my place
To feel warm and safe
New and catastrophic agony is now a cold fire inside
There is no place to hide
It's left me fighting hard not to end it all and die

The rain is pouring down
Those poor worms are sure to drown
They're looking for a dry spot to be found

They crawl to that one small spot of concrete
They found what they seek
The birds are waiting with sharpened beaks

To the birds it's a rain fueled feast
With death the worms they greet
Like me, the worms are just ment to feed the beast

I got your lovely flowers today
I watched as you knelt and swept the leaves away
I watched you cry as you laid them down
You stayed knelt there on the ground
For awail your soft crying was the only sound

Then you started talking, telling me you was sorry
But I didn't need your apology
I understood you couldn't come around more often
I loved when you found the time to stop in
It's ok we didn't spend more time togeather, life got in the way
I still love you even now, today

Don't want your tears
I know the future you fear
You think with the passing years
That I wont be near
But I promise my child, I will be
Just look you'll see

I'll be in the wind that moves the hair from your face
I'll be the flame that warms you in the fireplace
I'll be the rain that kisses your lips
I'll be the light when the darkness grips
I'll be that soft whisper in your ear
I'll do all I can to let you know I'm near
When your sad with eyes cast down
I'll leave you feathers and pennies to be found

My child you don't need to leave your flowers
Or to set here and cry and cower
For all that remains in the grave is my bones
I'm everywhere you roam
So dry your eyes my sweet child, lets go home

Standing here with the world upon my shoulders
As I watch my dreams ignite and smolder
The greenest storm clouds are encroaching
The city's on fire, on the horizon I can see it smoking

All I can see is flames, around me the fire's rage
I'm shackled in chains, locked in a cage
By the rancid smell, I'd say my soul has rotten
For I'm all alone, I've been forgotten

The fire rages on

Slowly consuming all my dreams until they're gone
With the weight of the world making me sink
I'm afraid I'm already over the brink

©Pauline Russell

The darkness is about to take you
And there is nothing I can say or do
Just remember my friend
Your pain for you might end
But it doesn't disappear
Just where will it land and adhere
How far will the pain you release go
I guess you'll never know

But I will bear witness to your butterfly effect
I will watch the ripples and where they will project
Will your little catipiller hold up under the pain
Will he be able to bear the strain
Or will he fallow in your steps
Spreading more of that butterfly effect

I will bear witness with tears bitting my eyes
As I say my goodbyes
I know I'll get a chunk of your pain to add to my own
I will be counted among the victims that your act has sown

But I will just bite down and bear it, I'll have to
Because my catipillers I won't put thru
That evil butterfly effect
Please my friend before you do, please just sit down and reflect!!!!!

I welcome the company
In this unending sea
Of loathing and misery

I hate to hear you suffer too
But a lot of us do
We need each other to get through

No need to suffer in silence
This is no science
We live on in defiance

Of a world that's beat us down
Left a lot of us cowering on the ground
But look we're still around

Hear my souls song
It's sad and it's long
But still I crawl and go on

I know you can too I'm much weaker than you
Together we can get through
It's the best we can do

One day at a time
Making sense of what doesn't rhyme
Always something out of line

It's more than feeling blue
It just munchs and chews
It's an agony eating right through

Till on the inside your hollow
All that's left is the sorrow
Just trying to hold on till tomorrow

Dangling over that cliff by your fingertips
Over life you constantly trip
As your insides rip

I know how it is, I suffer the same
Sometimes there is no reason for the rain
That's when you feel you'll never be sane

The darkness comes out of the blue
It never leaves you a clue
But you know that's nothing new

It's better when there's a trigger
At lest it gives you something to consider
That way you know which way to set your sail's rigger

Sleepless night's are the worse
As the waves of sorrow you try to transverse
That leaves you feeling like your living under a curse

We can tread these waters together
We can hold on to each other whenever
The pain gets to much to measure

I seen an angel riding in my darkened sky
I seen a serpent slithering near by
With blurred vision I watched them fly
But a brief distraction, a twitch of the eye
The serpent gobbled up my angel and I don't know why
All I could do is bow my head and cry

If friendship is now where we might be able to stand
Know I am sorrow, please take my hand

I didn't know how deep your loved flowed
A short love story is all I let be told

I kneel on your shore, a great part of me ripped out
It was my fualt, so I'll just bow my head and cry and pout

Please don't take your friendship too
Because then there'll be nothing left, I'll be hollow and blue

I'll never know the depths of pain I put you through
I never ment for my darkness to scar you up too

And I'm afraid to ask for friendship, because there seems to be something my soul lacks.
And the void has been filled in with the darkness and the black

Plaese remember and never doubt, I Love you!!!
Because even though you tried to rip it away
My love for you still stayed

If this is the last we are to communicate
At lest I'll stand here and shout from the gate

I LOVE YOU!!!!♥♥♥♥

Fluffy white clouds, sailing in a sea of blue
I never knowing, no I hadn't a clue
This would be the last day I would be seeing you

Got off work, went to your home
Door was locked so around it I roam
Peeking in the windows, rapping on the glass
Please just answer me, I shout out and I ask

I seen you this morning in the dawns haze
You looked so stressed, stuck in your maze
I made you promise you'd get some sleep
I laughingly suggested counting sheep
You gave your sweetest fake grin
Gave me a hug, turned around and went in

I whispered I love you as I turned to leave
I heard you heave a heavy sigh of relief
You was in the abyss
Company you would not miss

You was head diving for the bottom
Your mood fit the skelton tree's of late autumn
Your emotions where laid bear
You trembled like those trees in the cold morning air
Everything you had cared about, you let fall away
Just like those tree's did, all around you at your feet they laid
Everything you once cared about was in a slow rotting decay

You never answered your door that I pounded on
You was already gone
You left everything, even your phone
You took off all alone

You left no note
No sign of hope
One minute you was here
Now your gone and I fear
I will never see you again
I fear your sorrowful life you put to an end

But I'll never know
Which direction you decided to go
I hope your out living your dreams
That this is not what it seems

Dear friend I love you so
I really need to know
So out in your woods I took a stroll
Down to your favorite spot where the creek flows

Relieved your lifeless body I didn't find
Wishing you had left a sign
But I didn't find you there
Babe where are you, you know I care
Not knowing what happened to you
Is leaving ME lifeless and blue

Poor little fly
Fighting just to survive
No one saw it's demise but me
As he struggled not to freeze
First he flew in little hops
But to soon that stops
Then he walked in endless circles in the Sun's rays
But soon that too gave way
Now he lays frozen stiff
I wonder if me seeing made a diff
That this little flys last moments on earth
Didn't go unnoticed, and to a little poem had given birth

This poor little fly's fight
Is a lot like my own sad sight
Wonder if anyone sees my slow decent
How this life is leaving me bent
Wonder if when I finally freeze and die
Will anyone notice and wonder why
Or see how I fought to survive
Just like that little fly

Don't come knocking at my door
I deserve so much more
Than to be halve loved, halve cared about
Of this I have no doubt

You treat me like Schrodingers cat
And some times I just don't get that
I was alive when you slammed the lid
And now I'm as scared as a little kid
But you have to sort out your own head
And you leave me here filled with dread
Because when I really really need you
You act like you haven't a clue
Are you afraid my sadness will hurt you to much
That my agony will be to much for the touch
That's ok I'll keep it locked away
And maybe,  just maybe one day
You'll lift the lid to look inside
Only to find out I have died

God's off his meds again
Guess he was tired of trying to fit in
Now he stands at the corner of 44th and vine
Screaming all the time

The end is coming soon
And it's gonna be a monsoon
Of catastrophe pain, and death
Because you mortals aint seen nothing yet

God is off his meds again
And he doesn't have any friends
It's apparent he's all alone
I think he's becoming an old crone

He's *****, and he's angry
It's apparent he's gonna let fly the fury
He looks just like a homeless ***
He screams at all that to he's corner come

The end is very near
Does no human on this plant fear
He keeps screaming night and day
But no one want to hear what he has to say

God is off he's meds today

If the eye's are the window to the soul
Don't look into mine it's dark and it's cold
I've been bought, and I've been sold
Where I've gone you don't want to go
In this skin is nothing but a dust bowl
There is absolutely nothing left to console
I will forever, never be whole
Until the universe decides I've paid my toll
Just leave me alone in my darkened hole
Cuz in the depth of pain is where I stroll

Clock like heart
Time stoped
love found
Hands spinning round

The rain comes splattering in through my window, like a thousand cool tiny kisses

My skin glisten

It begins as the sun goes down in the coal black inky darkness of night

Layer of fright

Thunder so loud it rattles the windows, shakes the room

Sonic boom

Bright white hot lighting splits the night into

Darkness resumes

The rain pours down trying to drown everything, that's for certain

Glistening  curtain

The wind is bending the trees to it's will, making house shingles fly

Look to the sky

Destruction is on the horizon, The finger of God is on the ground

No safe haven found

The funnel cloud again ascends into the heavens, leaving behind a shattered earth

What cost, what worth

The morning light brings silence, only the sounds of the mothers crying

Fathers sighing

Broken boards, tattered dreams, toppled trees

What's become of me

You'll find my body in the field, I sailed the winds, soul ripped from my mortal shell

**** up to heaven, thrown down to hell

Sorry I haven't written in a while
Sometimes I can't see through the darkness and the fire
Sometimes I can't see beyond the flood of tears
It happens more with growing years

Sometimes my paper flies astray
Sometimes I can't find my way
Have no fear, I'll emerge from the black
When I arise from the smoke, you'll know I'm back

©Pauline Russell

Born on the darkest of nights
For the stars hid their eyes from the sight
Of an innocent soul born under the bad moon
With the universe this child would never be attuned
In lifes garden, only pain, misery, and sorrow could bloom
From the very beginning this child's life was doomed

The stars wept that night
For an atrocity that wasn't right
The rain that fell on that child's soul
Was meant to comfort and console
The star's sweet tears quieted the wish to die
That only minutes old has already darkening that child's eye

The child grew with a messed up childhood
Every night the step dad at the child's bedroom door stood
That curse of the bad moon
Made sure all happiness out of this life was pruned

The child grew up, found love, or so thought
Only later to realize she had been caught
The grown child was caged and beaten daily
It was the depth of Hell, it almost drove that poor soul crazy

The stars held witness
As the winds of change bent and twisted
Rushing that soul from one tragedy to another
Leaving the child shaking under the covers

The child cried out to that wicked moon
"This sorrowful life you gifted me to soon"
"I never got to taste the pleasure"
"Or lie for a time just in leisure"
"You took happiness, the greatest of all treasure"

Everyday the child struggled through
What else was there to do
But everyday brought new problems the child did it's best to solve them
But it was a constant onslaught
Being born under the bad moon's sign, only agony was brought

The only relieve was at night, when the star's tears fell
It called to the child's soul like a bell
On rainy nights you can find
The child's fragile body and mind
Stand out in the pitch dark rain
Letting all those starry tears wash away the pain
The strain
That resides in the heart, the brain
The star's and the child's tears mix
As off the child's fingertips it drips

In the harsh light of day
Watch this child sways
Watch as the delicate steel soul dances to every blow
Taking the lumps of every thing thrown
It's hard to believe how strong this child did grow
But it's bones are brittle
To crush this grown child would take but a little

This child will never out live the moon's tattoo
There is nothing about it to do
Pushing on
Giving the illusion of being strong
Over to many problems it stumbled
Until the child's soul crumbles
Then the soul will rejoin the universe
Then and only then, in happiness it will be submerged

So take heed when the next bad moon wanes on high
You can hear the stars weep and cry
Pray your child isn't born in that night
That your child will not have to fight for a life that's unlivable
Surrounded in all that is miserable

If you was born under that evil moon
If the star's for you cry too
Do the best you can do
Dance in the rain of tears
Through out all of your years
In the stars sweet rain
It can wash away the pain
Letting you feel the illusion of sane

©Pauline Russell