raised voice, the slow crumble of
my own self worth, they grabbed
me and screamed into my face.
"You could never understand!"
Maybe you're right,
but I know one thing.

you didn't need to hit me
to have been abusive.

anthem; my song
plays, and I will
wind my own turnkey.
I'll dance, shaking
off the rust of shame
and regret;
it won't stop me.

If I'm stuck looking back
at the past, how will I ever
see the present?

tick tock tick tock
time runs forward
miasma in my brain
a spark that keeps
lighting, lightning
in my limbs
been alight so long
don't know what it's like
not to burn

the shadow around the corner

the monster in the mirror

it's what keeps me up at night

the thought of who I could be

never-ending fire and I'm
out of water, can't stop
the blaze, all I can do is
watch it all burn down

what a beautiful
tragedy
my love for you,
so strong,
it can destroy
my very
core
...
I'm hopeless.

I will be better
better than you
could ever imagine
I will take what
you love and twist it
until its mine, mine
alone, and then maybe
you'll realize that
"I was never yours."

somewhere between the lines
i messed up, don't know how
to go back, just laughing
hours ago faded to silence.
A dark cloud hangs over,
and I can't change the weather.

heaving breaths and it
feels like gods choking
me again, my vocal cords
are strained, my voice
a squeak. Invisible
tears stain my cheeks,
still dry. I'm imploding
and becoming super-nova
or maybe a black hole
instead. Screaming a
whisper:

H E L P
M E

thirty years yet still
figuring out myself, I
relish in my strengths and
yet, I cannot face my
failings. when I look inside
the mirror, who do I see?

i'm a self destructive girl

prepared for you to leave,
my deepest insecurity, but
anymore than I can stop time
from pressing on, I cannot
stop the bomb from
ticking.

it bugs me, the way
you walk like you own
the place, standing tall
prideful as a lion, yet
selfish as a thief.

You are all you think about.

there's a balance to be

struck, the tightrope

between creativity and

burnout; a match lit from

both ends and I'm burning

alive.


I don't know when to stop.

it takes a village but
what happens when
yours goes up in flames?

And what if I'm the
one holding the match?

I didn't mean to burn this bridge.

empty shell filled with
butterflies, beautiful
liar; the mysterious
whisper just where
you almost couldn't
hear

hot air fills my lungs,
scream softly
"I'm just tired."

thoughts swirling like
lapping water on the
shore, memories
flashing like lightning
there's so much
I want to tell you.

every single day I choose life
not actively, but a small whisper
behind the static that murmurs
"You can do it for another day"

electric fireflies
dance in my vision
a spark makes my
limbs go rigid, stiff
emotions let free
a waterfall, won't
you hear me out?
Just one more time?

overflowing with emotion;
every gaze, when our eyes
meet. I can make all the
promises like white lilies
on the shore, but you make
your way through the static
and always see me, only me,
a flawed girl made of ink.
If I promise to raise my sword
to your demons, could you
love mine?

can't stop thinking
you, always a damsel
but what happens dear
when no one comes to
save you?
...
Do you have it in you,
that fire, that spark
to be your own hero?

You're the pink in my cheeks
the red in my veins, the
softer side of me. I'm still
that messed up kid from way
back when, but you've never
been one to bring umbrellas
on rainy days, you simply
dance.

mesmerized
eyes lost in the
heat, moment.
this night lit only
by blazing fire
and I want you
to dance with me.

feeling alone in a crowded
room and then I found you
two people hand and hand
fighting the powers that be
A lone flame become stronger,
you are my one and only, the
light at the end of my tunnel,
and I hope you'll be the
death of me.

tap tap tapping on
my mind, lighting
strike to the brain
jitters, teeth grinding
I grab the world by the
throat, stopped by the
static, feel like I'm dying

but so alive

Is it the spark or just
another episode?

Writing like slapping brushstrokes
on the page, typing with such speed
that the keys click loudly; music
to my ears. I will write like my
life depends on it, because sometimes
it does. Through lows and high, I
will make art, and maybe, just maybe,
one day someone will read them
and understand.

a beautiful weaving knot of
emotion, desire, despair and
freedom.

To live is to feel.

I swirl the stress, turn
pirouette in my veins.
It is fuel for my fire.
I breathe in, out.
shallow,
yet crisp
the smell of burning
leaves on a brisk
autumn day.


I am the flame,
won't you put
me out?

i'm deafened by the
silence; air palpable
and I can hear my
heart beat fast.

Its like I was
back there again.

you would do well to remember
that I'm not made of stone
thousands of papercuts into
my armor, it splits and I
bleed unto paper.
...
I wish I could bleed out in
your arms, instead.

what is it like to fall?
looking into pools of
blue, the warmth of
your hands, the pink
of your lips. I find
my eyes, hurriedly
running away from
yours; my heartbeat
quickens.

years later I feel
much the same, but
it will not stop me
from meeting your gaze.

screaming in a

soundproof room

the feeling of

tiny cuts opening

my scars displayed;

bright red. It's like

I'm unraveling, and

I don't want to stop.



"It feels like relief."

waiting for a hand to
reach out that was never
there, no one to help me
I was alone, made stronger
but I didn't need to be strong,

I needed to be safe.

black orbs of onyx
but warm like the sun
a sunrise peaks over
the horizon, meet you
halfway. Baby blues to
bright yellow roses
morning dew in the air

I feel electric.

running in circles
the rat race got
me down, digging
my feet in, jump
I'll get out of this
trench if it's the
last thing I do.

i don't know how to tell you
between honesty and untruths
is where i lie,
shades of
blue
immodest and uncouth.
i don't know how to express
cherry trees in full bloom
failing this game of
chess
i hope to see you soon
you have so much to say
you never leave me guessing
and for once the next day
didn't feel so depressing

demanding with your eyes
out for blood, violent red
but I know, deep down?
all you want is someone
to meet your gaze, and keep it.

we weren't star crossed and
certainly not just unlucky, no
your choices are your own
sins on your back yours to shake
I can't save a drowned corpse,
but you'll always stay a photograph
untouched in my mind, but tragedy;
you will never see how the story ends.

slammed down with a smirk, and
a counter; smile turned scowl
as I get checkmated. Some days it's
the rush of victory, feeling higher
than the sun itself, and some days its
the sigh and reluctant handshake of
defeat. It never mattered the outcome;
what mattered were the people, the place
the energy of a bunch of nerds who love
that same rush we all get from another
hand, another card, another game.

"Let's duel!"

elation station
to moody blues
I take it in, breathe
and I reminisce

She pulls at me
but I won't give in;
i'm no longer the stardust
in the night, but a calm
breeze that you barely
notice, and I like it that way.

She wants me to be
the storm, but there's a
child who just wants to
be happy whose whispers
I make out in the static.

I can't pretend I miss you..
...
but I do miss the thought of you.

mask become skin
I don't know who
I am underneath,
all that matters
is what they see
and all they'll
ever know is a
falsehood.

rebuilding myself with
feathers and paper scraps
the glue, flimsy, but it
needn't be stronger, for
it is my shell; Crack, bleed
and I will emerge reborn
a butterfly once more
this isn't my tomb, no
It is my metamorphosis.

the butchers nest
blood on the linoleum
she sharpens her blade
pay her and meats on the
table, just don't think about
where it comes from.

i wish I could be more
than a closed shut case
with you, I wish I could
be open like a butterfly
taking flight, but I feel
chained beneath the sea;
Never to be known.

a story often starts
with dark stormy nights,
but you were my north star
peaking out so bright
my one and only, love and
a true light in the darkness
taking with you I'm just
laid bare with a starkness
I went to grab you from the
hole; to stop another's fall
no time to wonder if I'll
sacrifice it all.

I know there's no such thing as forever.

Intimately I have it carved into my heart
flecks of scars line my soul, deep in my
veins. Yet I treasure every single moment,
every laugh, every smile I give you.

I could never give you enough, tiny paper
scraps I offer, and you take them so
delicately. You help me breathe when I
forget who I am. You bring me back to
Earth when I go to float away.

I know we're not eternal.
But it doesn't matter.

All I can promise you is this moment,
and it's all you can promise me back.
That's enough.

It was always enough.

I want to be your number
one, first in yours and my
mind; I know this but not
pure feelings, splintered,
roots overgrown, twisted
and menacing, am I your
perfect little idol, or am I
just a delusion?

the rush of another to do,
your whisper in my ear to
slow down, please,
slow down.
everything's going at a hundred
miles per hour, never reach
expectation, time stops for no one.

Maybe if I try my very best,
I can change my pace; to
walk by your side, instead.

you see me through
distorted lens
a muffled image of
my visage, small in
your eyes, but I am
so much more than
imagination

Why can't you see
who I really am?

with light there is darkness,
but in those rainy days, the
moments that are pitch black
no escape from the mind, alone.

I find my voice in the static,
pickup the pen, and I write.

fingernails to rock
crawling up this mountain,
sweat fills the air, my cheeks
flushed, embarrassed of how
much effort it takes me to
deal with this burden but it's
okay, as long as I make it
one more day. I will have won
the race against myself.

I've turned toward the sun

and I've begun to heal, cracks

once oozing now sealing, but

no matter how much I reach up

and how much I grow, the scars

are always with me, and I

will never forget.