You must be the devil,
My head knows you’re bad news but my heart still skips for you,
I know every kiss is blasphemy,
Every touch leading me straight to hell,
But I can’t get enough of your poison,
Desperate to feel your eyes staring at my skin,
You must be the devil,
And I’ve welcomed you in.

He gave me a gilded cage,
All I wanted was to fly.

I see you drowning while I’m breathing,
Tell me how to save you,
I swear I’ll give you everything~

If you build a wall,
I’ll build a door,
I’ll knock until it opens,
And hope it never closes.

Cause f*cking up takes practice
&
I feel I’m well rehearsed

ɪ sᴀɪᴅ,
      
  "𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘶𝘴𝘵"

       . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . .   ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏᴏᴋ

ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ɢʀɪɴᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴜᴘ.

The road is long,
The wait is short.

Life is but a blink of the eye,
Death is the real adventure.

Every time I fall in love I hope I never will again.

In 22 days it’ll be one year since you died.
How is it possible that the world kept turning while the space you existed in disappeared. Grief never leaves you, it catches you off guard. It’s in every photograph, every spot you use to fill, in the eyes of our friends, in my memories of you. It’s the building we worked in, it’s my backyard where you sat, and it’s everytime I see a blue rubber band. How can a wound tear open so many times without ever quite healing? How can it be that your gone but I still feel you in every room. The world kept turning without you, and that breaks my heart.

He asked me “aren’t you afraid of being alone?”

I said “how could I be? I’m not even alone inside my head”

Every morning I listen to bag pipes while I shower, I always feel so ridiculous standing there water spraying while the god awful music blares. But then I smile, because it makes me think of you.
You like to listen to them when you’re exercising. I’ll never understand your choices in music, the German folk songs you send me to fall asleep to, the weird bands you insist will teach me something, or the fact that you listen to Beethoven for fun (just like every serial killer ever). You have a disturbing ******* for guns, literally. I think you once told me you love shooting guns more than having ***, and I whole heartily believe you. I think you always managed to say the most awkward and terrible things and make me seriously question why I’m even friends with you. But then you look at me with those deep sea eyes and I feel electrified. In fact the only time I feel alive is when I’m standing next to you. Everyone says you never talk, but it seems like I can never get you to shut up. Always sharing way to much “I did not need to know that” information. The word ***** that comes spewing out of your mouth astounds me. Some people think your odd and intimidating cause you’re eccentric and always have this dark brooding look on your face. But they just don’t get you, I love that you are wholeheartedly yourself and nothing else. You like what you like and never compromise on that to impress someone or fit in. You stick out in an ocean of bland personalities. No one makes me laugh the way you do. No one makes me feel the way you do, most people don’t make me feel at all. Your smile keeps my wheels turning so why do you have to leave? Go on this journey without me. I’m terrified to think that you're going to start sending German folks songs to someone else, that their Apple Music suggestions will look identical to mine.

I don’t want anyone else to listen to bag pipes in the shower.

I won’t let your expectations suffocate me,
I won’t conform to this,

Like a caterpillar in a cocoon,
I’m going through a metamorphosis.

God didn’t make me,
For you to break me.

Im sitting in the dentist office while the doctor drills my teeth,
I wonder if they realize I’m so full of holes
I might slide right through this seat,
They can fill my cavities,
But They’ll never make me whole,
Cause they can fix my teeth,
But they can’t fix my soul.

He said “let me ruin you”

So I let him, cause I knew I wasn’t whole to begin with.

I said “obliterate me”

And he scattered me into satisfying pieces.

He said “broken girls always taste the sweetest”

Like salt and cherry lip gloss.

Even though you’re  the reason behind my pain,

I want you by my side when the clouds come,

Because the hurt will hide the rain.

I tried to die once,
I failed,
So instead I tried to live,
Here I am,

I said to death,
Come and get me,
But death didn’t want me,
So I said to life,
I am yours,
But life laughed,
You belong to time,

So I begged time to hold me,
But time said you can’t hold on to me,
So I held myself instead;

And I thought,
What’s missing,
It was love,
So I asked love to find me,
Instead I found him,
He gave me life,
He gave me time,
He gave me love,
But death,
Death took him.

So I begged death,
Take me with you,
He said,
It’s not your time yet.

So here I am.

He was an enigma machine,
he guarded his secrets with military precision,

She was an open book,
one that no one ever finishes,

They were tragic,
one said nothing, while the other said to much,

One stood tall and ramrod straight,
the other depended on a broken crutch,

Both were destitute,
One was loud, the other was mute,

He suffered in reticence,
she was filled with penitence,

They both left the world of their own accord,
They chose to fall upon their own swords,

They were heartbreaking until the very end.

I’ve always hated goodbyes,
But not when it comes too you.

I always knew you’d break my heart, So why am I still surprised that you did?
You let me see parts of you that no one has, then you left those parts with me,
And took some of me away with you.
My tears are like acid on my skin,
How did you root yourself within me so deeply but still leave without a care?
You coaxed the love I was reluctant to give only to let it shrivel in a hole you dug into my chest. Even now I miss you, all it took was one smile from you to destroy my entire world. Those deep sea eyes had me in a trance, like a siren waiting to drown me. You came in like a whirl wind and swept me off my feet, but didn’t stick around to catch me while I fell. My body broke upon the concrete, my pieces scattered about.
I think I’ll just leave them, I don’t think I’d recognize myself even if I managed to assemble what remained.
Cracked porcelain instead of youthful skin, just an empty vessel left for the moths. And stupidly I’d do it all again, just to hear you laugh one more time. I’d do it all again.

For ten months I’ve watched you struggle,
And for ten months I’ve felt helpless.
First it was the percs,
I asked you why,
You said “boredom”
Next is was *******,
I asked you why,
You said “so I can get off the percs”
After that it was Xanax,
I asked you why,
“Because the coke ate a hole through my nose”

I just hope that we don’t have to dig a hole for you.
Instead of me shifting through your boxes desperately trying to find your stash,
You’ll be in the box, we’ll pour dirt over you, and our tears will never dry up.

Except today when your aunt asked you how you want us to arrange your funeral
You said you wanted to be cremated
So I guess you’ll just be dust.

I took apart your apartment, just to find your drugs. Now it’s as messy as you’ve become ,
I left your house feeling like I’ve already lost you,
Addiction has its greedy claws stuck in your skin, it’s made you unrecognizable.
We buried Kyle in August, cause he developed a habit and couldn’t shake it, Now I’m Afraid I’ll have to wear black for you soon too,
Please addiction, don’t take another friend from me. Give her back. Please give her back. I don’t have enough boxes to keep fitting their bodies.

I stand in the rain because it’s better than hiding in the shade.
I hope the sun stops coming up,
And we lose all sense of time,
Because time makes me anxious,
Every second ticking by is one second closer to death,
And I’m not ready to die yet.

I’m a user cause when I’m high I can convince myself it’s the drugs,
My life gets better as soon as the smoke hits my lungs,
I need your love, even if you’re what’s killing me,
I need your touch, cause it’s your poison that’s keeps filing me,
They say I’m lost, but who says I want to be found,
Just let me fade away, just let me fall down,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,

My heads in the clouds but my body’s glued to the ground,
I’m in ecstasy, I know it’s just a fantasy,
But this highs got me dreaming of a better life,
These pills have me reaching for the light,
I don’t want to fight it, I want to give in,
So let’s smoke another little bit of sin,
Baby let’s get lost in it,
Baby let’s fall in love with it,
Everything will be okay as long as it’s lit,
Yeah we’ll be okay as long as it’s lit,

I’m a user cause when I’m high I can convince myself it’s the drugs,
My life gets better as soon as the smoke hits my lungs,
I need your love, even if you’re what’s killing me,
I need your touch, cause it’s your poison that’s keeps filing me,
They say I’m lost, but who says I want to be found,
Just let me fade away, just let me fall down,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,

I don’t feel anything, no nothing at all,
I want to forget so pass me the alcohol,
I’ve been searching for a solution, you’re the answer to all my problems,
I shoot you through my veins so I have the strength to fight my demons,
It’s got my fragile mind falling into pieces,
This addiction is a monster that needs me to feed it,
When did everything get so twisted,
**** how did I get so twisted,
The train back to sanity- yeah I must have missed it,

I’m a user cause when I’m high I can convince myself it’s the drugs,
My life gets better as soon as the smoke hits my lungs,
I need your love, even if you’re what’s killing me,
I need your touch, cause it’s your poison that’s keeps filing me,
They say I’m lost, but who says I want to be found,
Just let me fade away, just let me fall down,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,

You don’t take away my nightmares, your in them with me,
Instead of this empty shell, you give me hope of what I could be,
It’s a miracle I still exist,
Soon I’ll be making my exit,
By then I’ll be nothing but pieces,
I'll grind them up, rail lines of myself,
Is it to late to ask for help,
F*ck it, light it up,
Light me up,
Chase away the darkness,
I’m an addict, saving me is helpless,

I’m a user cause when I’m high I can convince myself it’s the drugs,
My life gets better as soon as the smoke hits my lungs,
I need your love, even if you’re what’s killing me,
I need your touch, cause it’s your poison that’s keeps filing me,
They say I’m lost, but who says I want to be found,
Just let me fade away, just let me fall down,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground,
Don’t pick me up, just let me fall until I’m buried in the ground.

Six feet under, I’m buried in the ground.

He
Broke my wings
So I couldn’t

Fly

So I stole his soul
So he couldn’t

Die

Why do I always fall in love with the kind of people that wont love me back?

If you’ve never **** your pants,
I don’t suggest you try it,

And if you have a sweet tooth,
I don’t suggest you diet,

Because pants are expensive,
And junk food is delicious,

And honestly grownups ******* themselves is absolutely ridiculous.

I keep making the same mistakes in love,
Hoping that one day it’ll be enough,
But every time I get close,
Someone reminds me why I shouldn’t,
Someone steals my hope.
☹︎

You said “ I would follow you to hell”

What you didn’t know was that I was already there.