Little sparkle
You
glow

Natures beauty
Is starting to
Show

Deep oceans
Skin deep
Wave into M~o~t~i~o~n

Splish splash
My lungs crash

The beauty
Is |p|a|i|n|

Choo Choo
Nostalgia from
An endless train
Recites lost memories
Inside my brain

They whisper
Like the ocean moves

There is faint light
Left from the sparkle
I once sew

I am confused
I am lost
I get so very cross

I see beauty
I feel at home
Then my thoughts
Travel and rome
My heart hurts
As i cry inside

For Im lying
I don't know
Where my home
Ever was

But late night warmth
From the fire place above
Frosted lips
And funny quips

Keeps me dreaming
And writing of fairies
I can find peace
I can find love
If i just keep my mind
On the one above

The scariest part of abuse
Is you always think
Well that's can't possibly be me
As you lay there
S
   I
N
   K
I
  N
G
  Into iNsAnItY

You remembered what I said
Two weeks ago
I didn't even remember it

When I cry and feel sad
You feel bad
And offer comfort

You laugh at my jokes
When they don't make sense
Never pretend

You listen to me
And never complain
Even when I'm a pain

You say sweet things to me
I don't have to beg for it
You state clearly how you mean it

This isn't perfect
By no means
You make me a confused mess

But for once in my lonely life
People have noticed me
And not ran away to hide

They don't forget
Or make fun
They just like me

What's going on?
I wait for the trauma
But they bring no such thing

And so I found you
And told you I liked you
You didn't laugh at me

You were very happy
And bragged about having me
Because I'm cute and sweet

That's what you said
And I almsot beleive it
Because everyday I hear it

Kind words
Not cruelty
Coming from every which way

I feel selfish
Not sure why
I guess having this attention

I feel like it's sin
But I think it's ok
To feel good about myself

Though you confuse me
I thank you, dearly
For you are genuine and like me

And aren't cruel nor a monster
Just a kind, normal man,
Adoring a shy soul.

I longed for
peace and fun
    some sense of belong-ing
              never wrong doing

I needed you
I wanted you
I ran for you
every day
it's all I knew
I didn't know
you
    I wanted to
I
     wanted
                    to.

you ran away from
me
ran away from peace
you kept running
and I kept falling behind
losing my mind
as you left
losing your breath
                                       so fast
gone with the wind
gone with the tide
every tide
another lie
another poem
another one gone
another frown
into my own arms
twirling and hating
shaming and blaming
always gone
never found.

the tide would win
bruises were found
hide my frowns
never a crown
always a clown
with you
longing for you
what could I do
what could I be
you were lost
inside the sea
lost without me
a sense of being

who are you?
why are you?
will I ever find you?
did I ever have you?
why do you torture me?
why do you paint me so dark
and blue
leaving out all the other hues
why can't you see me as I am
as my true
my true self
....there you go again
run run running
away
at the thought of another quake
inside my brain
another flake
falling into grains
falling into it's own pieces
melted inside my bowl
my bowl spills empty
there you go
you always know

always know
how to empty my bowl

I'll keep chasing
I'll keep racing
sometimes I break
break into two
I love me
or do I love you
can't it be both?
love for all?
forgiveness and all that?
I guess you'll never know that
maybe I won't either ...

I keep running
running away
from me
running away from you
I tire now
of all this running
when ?
tell me sweet little voices
when?
when will i truly get to know you
stop running
start loving
please
start
    pouring
             my bowl is empty
start the rain
stop the shame
let me dance in the rain
                                       with   you

I'm in denial
That anyone loves me
It's not paranoia

I know the truth
It echoes in my head
As tears fall onto my bed

Nobody cares
I'm just a tool to use
For them to get ahead

Noones ever loved me
Noones ever gone beyond for me
I can't fight my insecurites

Because they're right
I am unloved
A cursed child

a mistake at birth
A burden growing up
Last resort as an adult

I'm never a first choice
Barely Last choice
So I'll lower my voice

Let myself be used
It's what tools are for
Not like I'll ever be beautiful

Why did you like me
Why did you sleep with me
Just desperate for any company

Found someone new
No surprise
Already used to the lies

No boy will love me
Nor any friend
But they'll sure pretend

Can't blame them
I don't even love me
filled with self pity

Years on repeat
Everyone leaves me
Always shamelessly

Not one soul
Would walk one extra step
To help me as I wept

Nor does anyone
Find me worth
Anything but a empty purse

I am unloved
Yet i exist
Why did god make me

So ******* helpless

When will I stop associating every sad song
With the way we no longer get along
The way you strung me along
The way you
You broke
And tore me apart
Ripped open my heart
Like an empty pond
Was once beautiful
Now hard to look upon

  When
Can I listen again
To my favorite notes
Without feeling my heart
  

                                    °In my throat°

Cotton candy plush
Glossed lips crushed
Yours against mine
Colors redder then wine

Smooth tanned skin
Winter pale with sin
Beatiful mixture
Paints a vintage picture

Italian herbs blended
White roses bedded
Refreshing to the soul
Letting me grow

Foggy afternoons
Blowing up like balloons
I need to see clearly
I need this so very dearly

I wish for autumn
The flowing leaves
The crisp Smell
The chilly dew

Autumn is so rare
These days we only get
Hot air and heavy breathing
Burning sun and burnt skin

There's no win
If you love autumn
It comes and goes
Quicker then my woes

I wish I lived
In nonstop autumn
The oranges and reds
The fairies and witches
Roaming amok

something about the moon
Glosses over in fog
With bats flying above
Leaves me feeling in love

My heart aches for these days
But come they may
They leave and I feel betrayed
For then everything dies

Like my heart
In the winter cries
I can't help it
I hate everything in life
But the beautiful chill
Of October

I know it's annoying
I know I'm a broken record
For months
And years
Crying over the same things
But it's like
I lost the best part of me
And she's ran away
Without ever missing me

I have to ask myself
What's wrong with me
I have to ask everyone
If they still love me
Or if they're also planning
On leaving me

I want this to stop
I can tell myself to get over it
But it won't quit
I can call you a *****
Tell you you're selfish

But I still won't win
I've lost
So much these three years
And Everytime I try to heal
I lose something else precious
It's miraculous
I'm still trying

There is no denying
This will always hurt
Can I ever heal the burn
When is it my turn
To tell everyone off
To tell you you hurt me
And I don't want to see you
Or pretend it's okay
Or pretend it'll go away
But you left me once again
Broken and lost
Crying and lying
Thinking I'll never be good enough
Now I truly feel everyone will leave me
I can't get close to anyone
Befriend anyone
Everyone hates me
Or loses interest
Best friend for ten years
Guess that really meant nothing

Tried to make amends and you left me
Didn't even try
And acted like nothing transpired
Nothing matters to you besides yourself
I gave you so much of me
And you took it and gave nothing back
Well one thing back
Broken pieces of a heart
That was already trying to heal

You steal
And hide
You run
And lie
You pretend
And make fake friends
You are selfish
You were never
My best forever
But a user
Who wanted to feel safe
Wanted someone to throw everything on
We had so many amazing memories
Now they're ruined
All burnt
She's broken now too
The group is gone
The place I thought I belonged
It haunts me
Every face name and place I see
I'm drowning under sea
Chained down and gagged
While you watch
Driving your boat to safety
Leaving us behind for the unknown

Where do I go now
How can I escape
They say get over it
Like I was ever good at getting over anything
Even if I was
I could never get over this
What I thought we had was bliss
Now it's an empty abyss

It's gone amidst
Ghost haunt me in the dark
Your face lurking in my dreams
You're life terrozing my job
Everytime I see you with that snob

So how do I get over this
The best parts of me
The happiest memories
Thrown away in the trash
Like it never mattered
Like I don't matter
You were the one who taught me to heal
To feel something so real
But you became so selfish
You threw me away
And now you don't wanna say
That it's over

Leaving me doubting
Leaving me wondering
Guilty
Sad
Confused

I have been so used
It's time to let go
But I've gripped so hard to this
How do I let go of my life ?
Even if it's all gone
I can't let it go
You were everything
We were everything
Now we are nothing
And I'm just suffering
Turning to rage
Locked away
Throwing up emotions
Every day

I want myself back
I want you back
Us three back

How can it be right
To throw this away
It feels wrong
Makes me sick
I can't even fathom it

But you

...you

You already took the trash out
And never looked back

I'm down
Down
Down
Again again

I'm so sick of this
I'm empty
Except for the pain
Running amidst

Panic attacks
Panic panic panic
Drained
Drained

I don't even have words
It's all the same
I'm hopeless
I'm hurt

Nothing will ever work
It doesn't get better
I'm only getting worse
Life is a fake flirt

Whistling whistling
Hope and love
Never letting me
Touch
The
Pleasant
Colors

I may only dream
But my dreams have become
Nothing but twisted
Trash and ****

They all say I'm.wrong
That I do belong
That someone will love me
I've waited and tried so long

I'm more alone then ever
Maybe I'm meant to be this way
Crying and swaying in pain
Every ******* day

There's no beauty to this
This song has no meaning
Not a good start
Nor ending

A true symphony
To my life
It began empty


And nothings changed

I feel it boiling inside
I laugh it off and try to hide
It sturs within my body
The rage of being treated like a nobody

Because I cry
Because I can't lie
Because I love
Because I honor things up above

They think I'm not good enough
To handle things because they're too tough
For someone so fragile and small
Yet from my eyes my emotions help me stand tall

Everyone has these flaws
But they hide them they build walls
I don't hide them I show everyone my all
They look down on me making me feel small

Because I'm emotional
Because I'm scared
Because I'm fragile
Because I'm brave

I know there's nothing wrong with me
No matter who looks down I'll look up and smile widely
Because being this way is never wrong
No being this way is what has made me strong

Bouncing
   Bouncing
          Bounce
On top

Thrusting
      Thrusting
            ******
Inside

  Pouring
      Pouring
            Pour
All over

Locking
     Locking
           Lock
Me up

Gagging
     Gagging
             Gag
Me down

Zoning
     Zoning
            Zone
Out

Dreaming
       Dreaming
              Dream
All about it

Giving
   Giving
        Give
Me it

Pleasures
  What i seek

Im on my knees
           Not weak
              But begging

  For it

Hey darling,
Not sure if I ever told you
You know I'm afriad of being bold
But you should definitely know

I've never trusted anyone fully
Never let myself go completely
I don't beleive in any of the mushy gooey

But you, I guess you got me
I'm afraid to let it take control
When I do it's never wrong
You're where I belong

From swinging at night
To playing tic tac toe
Dressing you in clothes
Telling secrets no one else knows

You're my best friend
Always have been from the beginning
It's not that I don't love others
You're just so special to me
Closer then my sister and brothers

❤️

Haha bet!
Honey, that i love you
Bet on me
And I'll bet on you

I see you looking
With those eyes
You're nose be twirkin
It's no surprise

Darlin i know I'm a cute thang
You wanna take me for a little swing
Butcha won't speak up
Ah **** I've had enough

Haha bet!
Honey, that i love you
Bet on me
And I'll bet on you

Come on *** let me holla atcha
Smile at me with those loose lips
Walk slow so i can catchya
I hope ya into ***** *** i own a whip

I get a little nervous when i see ya
All i can think is being underneath ya
I know you feelin the same
Aha that's why i can see it in ya pants

Haha bet!
Honey, that i love you
Bet on me
And I'll bet on you

Lets just take a little bet
That I'm lovin ya
I'll give ya all my cards
If you do the same

I aint going down no one way train
So follow with me
And honey I'll show ya
sO many thINGS!

Haha bet!
Honey, that i love you
Bet on me
And I'll bet on you

Thank you for breaking my heart
You proved to me yet again
I am always right
I must forever shut the curtains
Hide from the unbearable pain
Of loving another human being

You're all out
To break me

I try to be positive
Think of the good
Say no to the dark

Yet the spark
That i try to relive
turns to dust

Sadness without trust
Stressed thoughts overwhelm
All i see is bad things to come

I can't stop taking lithium
I don't want to be alone
But this partner is too toxic

Happy thoughts inside a dark pit
The shadows won't go away
I am tortured in my dreams

Light died within the seams
It all fell out
I wish i was empty

All that's left of me
Is a shattered soul
Waiting to go home

December I remember

The cold snowy travels
The loneliness that graveled
The darkness that unraveled
I was over
I was gone
I was sadness
For so long

The months went on
The slumber never gone
Hibernating with no song
On mute
I didn't belong

Then one day
Came along..
A beautiful day
A touch of destiny
Blessed be
As it were

I had met
A girl
One simple day
One fun play

Adventure to be had
Never again to be sad
We connected
We shined
Growing
Like vines

Vines I say
Remember those?
stay up
all night
Laughing and eating
Everything in
Sight

You showed me
Friendship
And love
How beautiful
Blooming
Truly was

We bloomed together
Starry eyed doves
Former  connected souls
From years ago

We talked
We listened
We glistened
With wine
Wine all over me
Wine across town
Looking like clowns

We goofed around
We fell on the ground
We shopped at midnight
With no one else around

You got my jokes
You had my rose
I had your back
Everything felt in
Tact

Bryan Ohio
Is where we were
Bryan Ohio
Once my curse

You made that town
Overflowing ecstasy
Everything was grace
Everything felt like
Destiny in place

My body
My soul
No longer
Cold bones
Now
Sitting high
On our thrones
In Bryan Ohio
We were
Each other's
Homes

From one simple game
We met
One simple day
I'll never forget
Grand theft Auto
Gave me you
Grand theft Auto
And
the entire open road
Too

Here I lie
Cold and used
Broken and abused
Lowered into  the grave

I think I was brave
I hope I was kind
I wish I was loved
Now I look upon the stars above

I was chasing you all my life
Now I'm even further away
As I fall into this dark hole
I'm decaying now
Soon to wither away

What can I say
Except my coffin is empty
My jewels are gone
My riches never existed
And my loved ones never showed

I had no funeral
I died in vain
I felt so much pain
But soon it was over
Quick to blow over

Dead I may be
Rest I can't find
Rain comes down
But dries up in the ground
I hear no sound

It's lonely down here
But not as lonely as the chase
Here I accept my fate
I'll never find the stars
I'll never be on mars

It's gross and cold
Dark and *****
I didn't even make it to thirty
Before the grass went brown
And I lost my small crown

It was all but fantasy
Because I hate reality
I couldn't accept it
Until it sank slowly into me
I'm buried alone
With no purity
With no love
And most definitely
No hope

I let them all out
Now there's pity
Burning in my city

Power gone out
It's all on the news
I blew the fuse

This isn't what i wanted
Stop recording me
Stop feeling sorry

The more they help
I take advantage
Taking the city by rampage

Put them back away
Ignore the flicker
It would be simpler

I see the wrongs
The filfth fills underground
Yet i can't ******* make a sound

Im so sorry
I leaked the gas
And watched the town

Burn down

Carry it
Carry it
Carry the pain

I wrote you a letter
I watched it burn
I drowned it
I drown you
Now it's your turn
You've been drowning
Me
For so long
No more,
Atlas I can hear
my own song
I watch you drown
I can finally
Calm
Down

I can finally
Carry it
The pain
Will never go
This I know
I can carry it
With me as I go
Into the sun
I was never much a fan
As I let it in
I can feel it in my skin
I can
Carry it
Within

I wrote you a letter
I watched it drown
It came back up
From the ground
It came back to me
I turned around
Don't look back
Whispered to me
I took the hands
Of my future
To be
I walked away
Never again
I say

Never again
Let myself drown
Never again
Lose my own sound
I hope
I pray
Never again
To feel that way
I will carry it
Every day
I will carry myself
To a better place

I wrote you that letter
With all my heart
I drowned you
Without a second thought
Goodbye
And good riddance
I am free
I am free
I am free
To carry it
To be me
I am free
Of drowning
In your guidance
I am free
Of your tyranny
Goodbye
And
Hello
To me
Again
I'm my new
Beloved friend
❤️

Life is like a game of chess
I've been thinking about this a lot as i try to rest
Intially it's a game you strive to play with another
Playing chess alone wouldn't be worth the bother

Now i know probably not original to compare life to chess
But i cant help see the resemblance, if i may stress
Chess gives you many players to help you along
With those players comes choice right or wrong

Every move you make causes another to act one way
Later you might regret not letting that piece stay
You have a goal to make it out safe and win
And of course you try to succeed even with a little sin

A many time you may be trapped by another
Maybe a piece you counted on turned into a bother
You stragetize every move in order to survive
But at the same time won't win unless luck is on your side

Sometimes it's hard to see through the chaos which move to pick
One day you'll be a queen feeling mighty and slick
But one wrong move and you'll feel useless as a trapped pawn
But the game doesn't end until your last breath is drawn

No matter how hard you fight you may find yourself in ultimate checkmate
causing a panic and crying you lost your fate
Or you may find you succeeded your goal and came out safe and sound
Though either way you are still not bound

With whichever result you find yourself in
You can always  start over with a new beginning
Although im sure most can relate
That mostly every game of chess you'll play ends in a stale mate

Giants in the city
They think, oh isn't this pretty
So many giants in the city
City
   City

Massive, brutal, but not very witty
They can't help get lost in the nitty gritty
Of the city
City
   City

I can't help but want to dance
Dancing in the night romance
Perfect In the city
City
    City

I should be Afraid of you
  So intimating what can I do
Lost in this city
City
   City

But God you're so pretty
You may be be giant
But that's what I'm in love with
Every flaw is a new wonder
To discover
With joy and confusion
I don't want another illusion
Let me get lost and found
While I climb you from the ground
In this city
City
     City

Ticking ticking
Time BOMB
I cry for my
Mom

Blinking blinking
Life escapes
I'm always
Late

tick tock
Tick tock
Make the time
Stop

Ding ****
Ding ****
They're coming
Like a storm

tick tick
Tick tick
TicK tiCk
TICk tick
TICKTICK
KCITCKIT
TCKITKIC
  HELP ME
stop THE TIME
I CANNOT SLEEP
WITHOUT A DIME
DAYS PASS
NOTHING LAST
MY HEART BEATS
TOO FAST
STOP
TICKING AT ME
GIVE ME PEACE
AND SANITY
EVERY ******* DAY
TICK TOCK
CLOCK GOES
TICK TOCK
A SECOND TOO CLOSE
STRESS COMES
AT THE CHIME
OF THE CLOCK


tick tock

TICK TOCK

Crying crying
Knees fall down
I'm on the ground

Trying to pick up my pieces
Broken everywhere
I'm so scared

Drunk drunk
Emotions flaring
I can't breathe

I need comfort please
Don't leave me alone
Not this time

Laughing laughing
I'm falling into you
You stand away

I'm so lost
Everything hurts
Where do I go

Fix me
Somebody
Please
Tell me
How I keep going
Without your help
I'm nothing
I'll fall into trouble
And think it's love
Screaming and twisting
But it's warm
And I feel so cold
I can't leave
The cold scares me
I only liked it before
Because you were there
Now I'm alone
And scared

I feel warm
I feel dizzy
I feel sad

Oh my bad
I got too drunk
Decided no more junk

I feel me
I feel clear
I feel calm

You all did me wrong
Now i see
You don't deserve me

I feel tired
I feel dry
I feel sure

*******, sir
Being upset at me
When i finally spoke honestly

I feel closer to a confident me