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Jul 2018 · 9.0k
Let me have
Blade Maiden Jul 2018
Sometimes I ask myself
when did my thoughts and hopes of blue and green
turn into violet worries, violent dispositions
When did this soul with its empty bookshelf
burn all its unwritten scripts of things yet to be seen
and my steady solace turn into a contradiction

I know what I want in life
when I see my favorite pieces of art
scattered accross the canvas of my solitary nights
my cold fingers once touched it and I can count it on all five
I want to believe that I'd be content with really only a shard
to know my dreams aren't just made of imaginary sights

My open heart drives me
in uncertain directions with clear aspiration, sometimes just insane
but always looking, always wanting, always one heart ahead
If my eyes could only look beyond uncertainty and I'd finally see
a way that goes far and will let me travel along a green country lane
If I could feel as if I'd know why it seems so difficult not to be dead.

In everything that had to be broken and shed
these distant promises on remote and empty shores
For only the contingency of all that could be good and whole
Truly not knowing where this road might have led
and still keep my hands open and reaching and breathe in deeply through all of my pores
let me just find one wholesome and abiding content in this burning library inside my soul
A very deep-rooted and emotional piece that just started to flow out of my head into my hands and finally on this page. I'm at a better place today, surely. But there's still so much that feels empty and uncertain and not.. quite right. And things sometimes seem so hopeless and sad in such strangely and terrifyingly normal ways. It's difficult to hold on to things that you want to live for. Here's to all the blind but necessary hope!
Jul 2018 · 720
Her
Blade Maiden Jul 2018
Her
When I met her
I was in a dark place
She made me feel better
alone with her I felt safe

When I met her
I fell in love easily
Me and her alone
protecting me in isolation furiously

Her's was the fear
but I knew why I had to be scared
the danger was clear
I wasn't meant to be shared

But hidden in front of everyone's eyes
better still behind closed doors
safe and sound and internally screaming
my lively body lying dead on barren floors

When I met her
to love her felt so right
easier yet but to walk amongst strangers
simpler yet to swallow all forsaken pride

Since I realized that I loved her wrong
that I only grew fond of her protection
I started taking her out on walks
I've written her a heartfelt song

"I love you dear,
you are my fearful guardian
and I thank you for reminding me
to keep an open eye, to always look for the hidden scorpion
Let me find comfort in you
when I know being terrified
makes less a fool out of me
but only a soul less traveled, barely petrified.

In my way of loving,
let me find my kind of freedom
I don't need you solving

Anxiety. "
Totally freestyled this. Might change it later. Let me know what you think.
Jul 2018 · 436
Craving simple intensity
Blade Maiden Jul 2018
I noticed that my veins are blue
maybe that's the reason why
my insides have no clue
and my hands keep reaching out while I cry

over and over and
over
in an instant
silent
again
already
really?

I think this time I broke a record
how fast can you lose?
All those poems, while may be deep, still seem to fall short
and the right thoughts I easily diffuse
For

an answer
a clear head
a simple feeling
a loveable thread

Yeah, that is maybe
what I want exactly
for you to threaten me
with pure intensity

Where do all those empties come from anway?
Am I so full that I count for two
And only the shallows look my way,
are you one of them, too?
When you feel like you just seem to attract the same kind of people over and over again. Like moths to the flame. Though I feel like I'm the moth that burns at the end. Ha.
Blade Maiden Jul 2018
And he will think of me,
actually
maybe he won't

I want him to
eventually
possibly
I don't

I really shouldn't
probably
needless to say

Get out of my mind
I want you to stay
fearlessly

I'm so tired
terribly
uselessly

I should get some rest
finally
really

Tomorrow will hold more
hopefully
surely
Constantly trying can be very tiring sometimes. I hope you all have a good night. Tomorrow is going to be easier. Probably.
Jul 2018 · 5.7k
I met the worst kind of poet
Blade Maiden Jul 2018
I take my imaginary pen
I write down my anger
I close my eyes and count to ten
just to breathe a little longer

It's laughable really
when I see you justifying
Sure, you're all touchy-feely
only goodwill, so hard-trying

When you said that to me
where was your heart at?
Why calling me your better-half-to-be
when all you wanted was a shoulder pat?

Oh you, with your wonderful poetry,
oh, lies so beautifully written down
please just stop, you don't know no poverty
in your emerald sea everything you wanted me to believe is to drown

I never thought you would make me think
the worst of you instead
And I swear I could only stand and stare and shrink
when you didn't care to lose your head

Now you haunt me like the headless horseman
and you will forever
but I do not worry for my sanity, oh boy of thoughts turned cyan
I walked with ghosts before and a headless one is so less clever

And if you ever come back looking for this head of yours
Think twice, try a little bit harder wannabe
It might stick out of the sand at your emerald sea shores
Your love for me was never poetry
Jul 2018 · 694
Early morning text message
Blade Maiden Jul 2018
...
So, how's it going?
Did you end up in those arms you kept talking about?
Did she see you on the airport all jet-lagged,
all baffled, standing in the passenger area, jam-packed.
...
So, you didn't know?
She was lying on the runway, waiting for you.
Her heart pre-packed,
ready to get hijacked.
...
The differences between you and her,
7 hours to **** the time,
5092 miles away, still committed a crime.
...
June 3rd marks the day,
on which the newspaper says nothing,
cause nothing ever happened, you just went away.
...
So, what about your dreams?
She kept them for you, tucked away in a suitcase,
ready to run off with you in plain sight,
but your plane never reached this side.
...
You never even took off to be exact,
guess your bag wasn't intact,
and matter of fact,
I think honest will is what it lacked.
...
So, whatever, right?
It's not like,
it's all pointless anyway.
That's what you'd say.
...
Doesn't matter that it meant a whole lot,
she might spend 7 hours more to untangle the knot,
and has to walk 5092 miles to get back the full heart she got,
before she met a stranger who spoke of her arms,
and made her built an airport inside of her palms.
...

So, how's it going?...
Blade Maiden Jul 2018
In all honesty
I'm honestly
A little lost
Probably very
lonely and thinking

What does it matter?
What is the matter
with me?
Because you see
I see you hurting
It's not working
and it all fell
it feels like falling
all over
again, I'm trembling
Breaking and mending

A terrible way
for a marriageable idea
to come through
only to hurt you
my gentle heart
now we might part

But healing
is on it's way
I'll never lose this feeling
til the day of decay
To keep losing people that have been close to you is probably supposed to happen a lot in your life but it doesn't mean that it's not painful as hell. But I know it will be okay again one day. And you'll be okay too. Hold on to what you want to believe in.
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
I realize that
survival isn't
blowing out all my candles
so someone else can be my light
Jun 2018 · 483
Brainstorm
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
Make sense of me
Unwind me

       Define me
       Don't decline me

                         See through
                         Make due

          Find me
          Don't bind me

                               Shake me
                               Don't fake for me

               Feel me
               Don't kneel for me

                                   Make sure
                                   Take me pure

         Don't hesitate
         I won't separate

                        

        
         I've come to evolve
                                                                                

                                                                             Don't let me dissolve
Jun 2018 · 293
Sorry
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
I'm so sorry I am like this
I'm worried that you might miss
out on all the good things
that hide underneath these clipped wings

I'm so sorry
I wish I could clip my brain too.
Jun 2018 · 466
Just between us
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
Please be
more careful with me
Is it okay to say that?
I'm quite uncertain

My teary eyes are sure to
tell me something
about me
Still I'm unsure if
I can trust my own
eyes
the way
I trust you

Certainty
is thruthfully
lying
when I'm not
sure

But I know the reality of
things between you
and me
and the unspoken

And with certainty
I claim
nothing
I certainly can't
claim
you
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
I'm hurting lately
Is it just me?
I keep breathing barely
Is there a good excuse?

I'm quite tired these days
Should I get medication for that?
My nightmares are showing me new ways
What's the deal?

Cut. One small thought I had as well
Where did that come from all of a sudden?
In our bathroom is that certain smell
(I can't stand it)
Am I doing this right?

I think I left my confidence at home
Or is it hiding under the bed?
Guess we got separated, this girl is one, lone.
Or is she?

I made new friends in the meantime
Is Anxiety coming over?
We gonna have another slumber party, “I seem fine”
(That's going to be the theme)

Don't forget about Self-loathing,
the party doesn't really start without them, does it?
It's gonna be a sick time with a bunch of loafing,
Sounds pretty good, huh?

Might as well make this my invitation,
to my awesome sleepover
though there's an ongoing renovation
so please don't mind the noise.
Not sure what I did here. Just some random thoughts written down in the heat of the moment. Let me know what you think.
Jun 2018 · 560
Heartfelt
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
We come from broken families,
you and I
hating ourselves for years.
People did terrible things,
to us
at times willingly, most of the times..
not.

Where their lives end,
the places they ruined,
we try to rebuild,
find shelter in broken shells
in each others bruised and battered
hands

And I know it's hard,
it takes a thousand broken things,
to get to a part,
of life,
that gives you strength
again.

You know the good place,
you can see it,
it exists
We have been there
many times
it's not just one place
there are countless
and one is
somewhere between our two bodies
and minds
waiting for us to mend

I wish to be whole,
even with all these fragments missing,
I want to be whole with you
but healthy, simply, easy,
careful
to not be one
who is just as broken
and terrified
and lonely
as the people we once
knew.

What does it take
I ask us
It takes
a softness
found
between
sheets
of
naked
truths
and a toughness
only found
between two
that have endured.
Jun 2018 · 487
Notes
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
Dear blame
I carried you for so long
How come you still weigh so heavy on my shoulders?
All I ever wanted was to leave it all behind
and all I ever feared was to leave it behind me
So much that I used to know
emptied by the distance in front of me
behind me lies what feels hard to comprehend
and how seeing my reflection now doesn't feel like some kind of lament

Dear self-doubt
did you know I'm not hiding anymore?
I found peace in these walls made out of run-down things
There are roots now and green leaves grow
I think the way I feel is like a once abandoned building
taken back by nature
But not overgrown, no,
just filled with new life where there was only cold concrete before.

Dear father
you'll never know
And I'll surely never have a reason to tell
I hope you're okay
I'm okay without you
the heaviness doesn't weigh on me any longer
and it took some time for me to realize that this is alright
This girl is alright

Dear mother
your pain always hits closest to home
anger was always yours to portrait
I think I gave you enough, I gave it all
and for what it's worth I never dishonored your pride
if dishonoring didn't mean standing up in front of you
I will forever be angry with you
so my conscious heart left a very long time ago
I had to save myself
I apologize and wish you find peace in your own right

Dear me
I'm so proud of you
Do you remember how we used to look outside?
thinking we'd never made it, no chance
It felt like a silly dream
Is it real?
Did we manage to escape it all with merely some scars and bruises?
I think... I did.
Jun 2018 · 229
While I still can
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
No more,
cause you already emptied me
No more
cause my eyes are now able to see

No more
cause when I left I left with pride
No more
cause all I had was hope by my side

No more
for your words had been carved deep enough
No more
I made it my own cruel joke so I could laugh

No more
sickening anxiety that teared me apart
No more
driving me to use my last card

No more
I'm smarter now
No more
I never made any vow

No more
pain caused by your sharp and ruthless tongue
No more
cause for now I am still young

No more
wasting my years
No more
shameful tears

No more
I'm done, my blood
No more
I can't take the blame for fleeing the flood.

No more
not anymore
I'm gone
Jun 2018 · 564
The liar
Blade Maiden Jun 2018
I cannot describe it
This black substance, holding on to me like a rusted hook
It's all around me when I think of you
It's everywhere I look

I'd wish to be untied
To be forever free
But it seems impossible
I see myself down on one ****** knee

It tugs on me
I feel too weak to stand my ground
I know there's light still
I feel too vigorous to make no sound

I leave it up to you, give you power over me
I let it be
I close my eyes
This you is all I see

Still I won't break
My soul is my own and it is free
You will always lose
For it belongs to only me

I see you proudly entering this room
Vanity your most precious trade
A thirst for eminence, for appreciation
Telling of honorable intentions but the truth follows you like a shade

Ruining strangers bodies like a persistent disease
Laughing at them for speaking true
After cutting their insides with poisonous knives
But you're never really listening, are you?

But remember, no lie lives forever
And I can already see you, see you vanish from all sights
And all your knives blunt-edged,
You, merely an unlovable memory, like a dying sea disappearing with all it's tides.

And we will all turn away
Forget you like you weren't anything but a bad dream
Woeful creature
All this useless self-doubt, nothing but hot steam

And I will remain
With one ****** knee on concrete, still surrounded,
The me will prevail and I will heal, get up and leave,
For I will no longer be wounded.

— The End —