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Alice Jun 2020
.
all you had to say was

"I'm sorry"
Alice Dec 2019
And its ******, ya know?
the fact that the only person
who sees me,
is the only person
i know would break my heart
if given the chance
everyone in my life tells me he's not good for me, but it doesn't feel that way when we're together
Alice Jul 2019
i suppose it's sad
The business of open hearts
so many just leave

shield me from the world
never let go of my hand
keep me in your heart

but i'm too naive
you hurt me, i'm still bleeding
i believed in you

the expectations
the small hope of you and i
has strayed too far

i'm self-destructive
if i push you away, please
don't listen to me

erase the sadness
cleanse this ungodly pain
i can't breathe alone

i let you back in
even though it's so stupid
i still missed your voice

i just wanted love
why is it so hard for me
no one feels like home

how do i let go
give back the heart i wanted
it can't be too late

i taught you of these
these demons i hold inside
yet, you stayed

there's no oxygen
my lungs are burning, and i
can't say anything
16
Alice Feb 2020
16
and god, i loved him
i was far too young
far too fragile
to know what that meant, but
above all else
i loved him
still do
Alice Aug 17
he asked me why
every time i said “i love you”

the words sounded so much
like a resignation of fate
in my throat
why they fell to the ground
as lead bullets through my teeth

i tried to explain the ticking time
bomb my affections become

explain how the love i’ve known
detonates and runs for cover at the
mere suggestion there is an attack

i am scared of telling you i love you
because

love has never been kind to me

and i want to be kind to you
Alice Oct 2020
humans are 70% water
and when I was little,
I used to think that everyones 30% was different
my mother- 70% water 30% tenderness
my father- 70% water 30% laughter
my sister- 70% water 30% light

as I've gotten older,
I learned that's not exactly how
the human body works

but still, sometimes I wonder
what my 30% is
whatever it is, I hope you like it
Alice May 25
.
to care deeply is to be blissful and terrified all at once
you should not be able to put me back together.
you should not have the power to tear it all down again.
Alice Sep 2020
before you break me
say my name
catch the torment in your throat,
just for a moment.
look into my eyes
commit the feeling to memory.
say my name
place humanity into the punching bag
before you take the final swing.
please
say my name
before you break me
you've already taken everything else.
Alice Oct 2020
I am terrified you'll disappear
I know I shouldn't rely so
heavily on you
but I can't go back to how I was before

not when you gave me a reason
not when you are my reason
Alice Aug 2020
I fall back into you
so easily
if we
were never meant to be
then why are you
my home
you make it make sense
Alice Oct 2020
I once wrote about
being written into existence

how I longed for someone
to put pen to paper
fingertips to keyboard
to tell me who I am
to give me worth

how could I have
forgotten

I am my own poet
and I can write just fine
I don't need you any more
Alice Dec 2020
I've never had the privilege to be
the main character
never enough for a leading role

always bleeding plain red
instead of magic
Alice Sep 2020
and when i tell you
about how my day was
in its entirety and go off
on an entire tangent on
the one guy with the orange
(because it was the funniest thing)
and describe all the stupid details

what i’m trying to say is
i miss you a little too much
and i wish you were here
with me today to see the
one guy with the oranges
(because it’s not that funny
unless you were there)

what i’m trying to say is
that i’m scared of taking up
too much of anyone’s time
so i’m really scared that
you’re just annoyed with me
because any of your time is
more than i ever wanted

what i’m trying to say is
(you are special to me)

what i’m trying to say is
(i want you to know you are
special to me)

what i’m trying to say is
(i love you)
Alice Dec 2020
and the worst part of it all is
I almost loved you

I was a breath away

and I'm terrified
Alice Jun 2020
a gentle safety awaits
in your arms

{but then, you've never been gentle}

a comforting predictability
in your presence

{still, I've never known what to expect}

you make me feel loved

{you are all that I have left}

I love you

{I am so alone}
Alice Mar 2020
you know, you never did
answer my last question
brushed it off with a "haha"
and now we don't talk anymore
well, you don't
i thought it was going somewhere
before you just disappeared
Alice Sep 2019
there is a soft emptiness in
my bones
and i still
don't quite know what's supposed to
fill it
but your smile
and laugh
and
heartbeat
seem to pour into my
hollow chest
too quickly
and take up
entirely
too much space
Alice Nov 2020
in the end, I suppose
we are all collapsing stars

burning bright until the very end
even if we are alone,
thousands of galaxies away
many don't see us until
we're gone
Alice Oct 2020
it seems to be the quiet moments
the unspoken actions
that build the foundation
of who we are

it is only the time behind
closed doors and drawn curtains
that prove you to be
whatever you may be
Alice Dec 2020
some days, I feel very small
like no matter how loud I cry
how many times I try
everyone looks over my head
and no one can hear me at all
Alice Jul 2020
and it just hurts ya know? I wanted to be that person for you
I wanted everything to be okay.
there was a time and a place for us and I know that now but it doesn't stop me from wanting you
Alice Mar 2
You pointed out
all my favorite love stories begin in hatred
an offhand comment about the books and shows
I consume like air

I realized there's nothing I want more
then for someone to see me for my worst
pick apart every negative attribute

yet still promise to love me
all of me
im terrified of disappointing
Alice Aug 2020
but darling,
I told you I was not easy to love

did you tire of my honesty?
I knew you would leave from the start
Alice Feb 2020
i very quickly become attached
to those with a bleeding heart
because i see myself in them

i want to make them better
i want to fix their brokenness
and maybe it's selfish
but
i think i hope that by fixing them
i'll learn to fix myself too
it hasn't worked yet
Alice Feb 2020
and im trying to keep everyone else
from sinking

but I've never learned how to swim
the burden of their hurts on top of my own
Alice Mar 2
I will write poems about you
memorize your Starbucks order
(even if it's different each season)
ill hold your hand
play with your hair as you rest in my lap

I just want our love to be soft
something safe and warm
we can both crawl into
like hot cocoa after a snowstorm
im tired of violent delights
I just want to feel safe
Alice Mar 2020
i am haunted by myself
every version of the person
i was
or
could have been
gently stands at the door
waiting for me to join them
im not too far away
Alice Jun 2020
The walls I've built
are made of glass
nothing is left to the imagination
everything inside lay bare for
your viewing.
but
they are still walls
fortified and bulletproof
there is nothing you can do but watch
as I break myself over and over again
Alice Sep 2020
there was always a comfort,
fabricated as it may have been,
in the way I knew how bad it was

just by the footsteps
Alice Aug 26
"𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦."

"Even if they love you back?"

"𝘌𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬."
Alice Nov 2020
all this hurt is so heavy
but I'm afraid I can't put it down
see I've grown attached to it
no matter how often I drown
Alice Nov 2019
i knew you were toxic
i knew you weren't good
but you understood me
and
that scares me
what if that means
i'm like you
Alice Jan 2020
you noticed.

if nothing else,
if we will never be more
than the faint wonderings
of what could have been.

even if this is as far as the story goes,
at least once, just once,

I was seen
you know things about me that I don't even notice
Alice Jun 2020
but these are petty kindnesses,
stitched together with the
fear of being seen as cold

do not pretend your words hold
any meaning other than the
selfish need to placate yourself
just, don't say anything at all
Alice Sep 2020
i am my fathers child

i never learned how to
accept the love i was given

these hands
so much like his

refuse to remain open
curling into fists at the
suggestion i am enough

i’ve never allowed myself
to need anyone

i am my fathers child
I always did take after him
Alice Oct 2020
and I can't blame you, really
the gods too, were envious
you were never meant to stay
Alice Oct 2020
you look at me
the last sunset of
my hometown
sweet and sad
but
full of
remembrance
Alice Sep 2020
I can't understand if this is love
not yet

all I can make sense of
is the emptiness I feel
when you're not with me
please don't go away
not until I know
Alice Mar 9
but now that I've found you
and you're millions of miles away
it hurts worse

come home
Alice Dec 2020
I do not want someone "brave enough"
to love me
to tear their way through my heart
to leave the wreckage they pass through
worse than before

I want someone soft
to take their time
to notice me in the corner
to silently help me tidy up

to tuck me in bed next to them
with nothing but a "good job" and my kiss
on their lips
its always too loud
Alice Mar 31
there is a time and a place in which I am entirely and completely loved. in which my demons have been quieted and my mornings are soft. I will be safe. I will love and be loved without questioning.
I will create my own paradise.
I will repeat this truth until it is my reality
Alice Dec 2019
There are some things
not to be said, like
"i'm tired of having to explain myself to you"
and
"i'm happier now that you're gone"
Alice Oct 2020
I never thought much of the way
you asked me how my day was
every night
and when I'd say "fine"
you'd ask me again
and again
until I told you

I never thought much of the way
when you found out I was sick
you showed up at my door
an hour later
with a thermos full of soup

I never thought much of the way
we'd end every phone call with
I love you
even if you were on your way to pick me up

I never thought much of the way
we've never been
just friends

I never thought much of the way
I've been in love with you
long before I knew it
we've always been more
Alice Nov 2020
when I tell my mom I feel sick
the first thing she does
is kiss my forehead to see if I have a fever
and
I just feel like
there's a metaphor there somewhere
Alice Oct 2020
I am sitting in a pool of my own confliction
wondering if losing you
is worth gaining the love I desperately crave

I've spent so long
debating on taking the leap that
I haven't noticed the water
has reached my mouth

now I am drowning
and unable to say anything at all
we could have been extraordinary
Alice Nov 2020
and maybe one day
someone will see the broken pieces i’ve
managed to glue back into
a heart and they
will admire the stained glass

brush over the unfinished bits and
call me a work of art
Alice Oct 2020
the birds are flying backwards
(you and I are still together)
the fish swim on land
(you unpack your bags)
the attic is below ground
(you walk into my room)
the sky is red
(you tell me you always loved me)
the grass is gray
(you tell me you still do)
I cannot process the world the same way anymore
Alice Jan 13
the hurt in my eyes
was never a warning sign
it seemed an encouragement
more than anything else
Alice May 25
all the questions you ask of god echo back.
how have you not yet learned to save yourself?
Alice Aug 2020
I tried to write a poem for you.
I tried to put it in words.
but the only thing I can think to say is

I love you. and
Thank you.
you're the only thing I know is real
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