all you had to say was

"I'm sorry"

And its ******, ya know?
the fact that the only person
who sees me,
is the only person
i know would break my heart
if given the chance

and god, i loved him
i was far too young
far too fragile
to know what that meant, but
above all else
i loved him

he asked me why
every time i said “i love you”

the words sounded so much
like a resignation of fate
in my throat
why they fell to the ground
as lead bullets through my teeth

i tried to explain the ticking time
bomb my affections become

explain how the love i’ve known
detonates and runs for cover at the
mere suggestion there is an attack

i am scared of telling you i love you
because

love has never been kind to me

and i want to be kind to you

humans are 70% water
and when I was little,
I used to think that everyones 30% was different
my mother- 70% water 30% tenderness
my father- 70% water 30% laughter
my sister- 70% water 30% light

as I've gotten older,
I learned that's not exactly how
the human body works

but still, sometimes I wonder
what my 30% is

.
to care deeply is to be blissful and terrified all at once
you should not be able to put me back together.
you should not have the power to tear it all down again.

before you break me
say my name
catch the torment in your throat,
just for a moment.
look into my eyes
commit the feeling to memory.
say my name
place humanity into the punching bag
before you take the final swing.
please
say my name
before you break me

I am terrified you'll disappear
I know I shouldn't rely so
heavily on you
but I can't go back to how I was before

not when you gave me a reason
not when you are my reason

I fall back into you
so easily
if we
were never meant to be
then why are you
my home

I've never had the privilege to be
the main character
never enough for a leading role

always bleeding plain red
instead of magic

and when i tell you
about how my day was
in its entirety and go off
on an entire tangent on
the one guy with the orange
(because it was the funniest thing)
and describe all the stupid details

what i’m trying to say is
i miss you a little too much
and i wish you were here
with me today to see the
one guy with the oranges
(because it’s not that funny
unless you were there)

what i’m trying to say is
that i’m scared of taking up
too much of anyone’s time
so i’m really scared that
you’re just annoyed with me
because any of your time is
more than i ever wanted

what i’m trying to say is
(you are special to me)

what i’m trying to say is
(i want you to know you are
special to me)

what i’m trying to say is
(i love you)

and the worst part of it all is
I almost loved you

I was a breath away

and I'm terrified

a gentle safety awaits
in your arms

{but then, you've never been gentle}

a comforting predictability
in your presence

{still, I've never known what to expect}

you make me feel loved

{you are all that I have left}

I love you

{I am so alone}

there is a soft emptiness in
my bones
and i still
don't quite know what's supposed to
fill it
but your smile
and laugh
and
heartbeat
seem to pour into my
hollow chest
too quickly
and take up
entirely
too much space

She wrote poetry
though not like most
she used no ink or pen
but nonetheless she wrote
lines of crimson
red that stained
she wrote until her heart was drained
The sliver of hope
the light she held dear
was stuck inside
along with her fear
she tried to reach it
tried to find
some small trace it left behind
she carved
she searched
until red lines
defined her worth

it seems to be the quiet moments
the unspoken actions
that build the foundation
of who we are

it is only the time behind
closed doors and drawn curtains
that prove you to be
whatever you may be

and it just hurts ya know? I wanted to be that person for you
I wanted everything to be okay.
there was a time and a place for us and I know that now but it doesn't stop me from wanting you

You pointed out
all my favorite love stories begin in hatred
an offhand comment about the books and shows
I consume like air

I realized there's nothing I want more
then for someone to see me for my worst
pick apart every negative attribute

yet still promise to love me
all of me

i very quickly become attached
to those with a bleeding heart
because i see myself in them

i want to make them better
i want to fix their brokenness
and maybe it's selfish
but
i think i hope that by fixing them
i'll learn to fix myself too

and im trying to keep everyone else
from sinking

but I've never learned how to swim

I will write poems about you
memorize your Starbucks order
(even if it's different each season)
ill hold your hand
play with your hair as you rest in my lap

I just want our love to be soft
something safe and warm
we can both crawl into
like hot cocoa after a snowstorm

The walls I've built
are made of glass
nothing is left to the imagination
everything inside lay bare for
your viewing.
but
they are still walls
fortified and bulletproof
there is nothing you can do but watch
as I break myself over and over again

there was always a comfort,
fabricated as it may have been,
in the way I knew how bad it was

just by the footsteps

i knew you were toxic
i knew you weren't good
but you understood me
and
that scares me
what if that means
i'm like you

you noticed.

if nothing else,
if we will never be more
than the faint wonderings
of what could have been.

even if this is as far as the story goes,
at least once, just once,

I was seen

but these are petty kindnesses,
stitched together with the
fear of being seen as cold

do not pretend your words hold
any meaning other than the
selfish need to placate yourself

i am my fathers child

i never learned how to
accept the love i was given

these hands
so much like his

refuse to remain open
curling into fists at the
suggestion i am enough

i’ve never allowed myself
to need anyone

i am my fathers child

you look at me
the last sunset of
my hometown
sweet and sad
but
full of
remembrance

but now that I've found you
and you're millions of miles away
it hurts worse

come home

I do not want someone "brave enough"
to love me
to tear their way through my heart
to leave the wreckage they pass through
worse than before

I want someone soft
to take their time
to notice me in the corner
to silently help me tidy up

to tuck me in bed next to them
with nothing but a "good job" and my kiss
on their lips

there is a time and a place in which I am entirely and completely loved. in which my demons have been quieted and my mornings are soft. I will be safe. I will love and be loved without questioning.
I will create my own paradise.

There are some things
not to be said, like
"i'm tired of having to explain myself to you"
and
"i'm happier now that you're gone"

when I tell my mom I feel sick
the first thing she does
is kiss my forehead to see if I have a fever
and
I just feel like
there's a metaphor there somewhere

I am sitting in a pool of my own confliction
wondering if losing you
is worth gaining the love I desperately crave

I've spent so long
debating on taking the leap that
I haven't noticed the water
has reached my mouth

now I am drowning
and unable to say anything at all

and maybe one day
someone will see the broken pieces i’ve
managed to glue back into
a heart and they
will admire the stained glass

brush over the unfinished bits and
call me a work of art

the birds are flying backwards
(you and I are still together)
the fish swim on land
(you unpack your bags)
the attic is below ground
(you walk into my room)
the sky is red
(you tell me you always loved me)
the grass is gray
(you tell me you still do)

all the questions you ask of god echo back.
how have you not yet learned to save yourself?