You’re the painter
and
I am the canvas

You mix blues
and purples
into my skin

Your brushes
are the fists
of a flawed
childhood

I am the pale canvas
of
love

I am patient
as your anger
swells

I wait for
your artwork
to form along
my skin

This is sick
I know
But all I can
say is

“Paint me
and
Make me beautiful” -DDF

When I lean into
you

my God

how my nostrils quiver

for the smell of
you is
so human
-DDF

CBW: Broken nails claw hollow eyes,
Lifeless breath gasps slow demise,
Stifled are my solemn cries,
Forever failed, my many tries
To work my way out of this rut, this godforsaken hole, but like dust upon rock bottom are the fragments of my soul.
The pent up pressure, the murky waters of creative flow,
Now soaks the floors like poisoned blood,
A concentrated woe.
Alas, the shadows,
my sunken home,
It's where I'm told I should belong,
And you expect a simple answer when you ask me what is wrong..

DDF: To expect a simple answer
when I ask,
"What is wrong?"
is an accusation burning in rhythm
of songs
For I know depression can be
miles long

Show me the enemy you've
fought for too long
depression
I know is strong

Show me what I can
do just to keep you

Show me the empty shell
you have stuffed yourself
into
For I promise I can mend you

Show me the animal chained
inside of you
Because I have one too

Show me the late night screams
For I can see your sadness ripping
at happiness' seams

Don't be afraid to show
me all of you

Let me help you build upon
this sadness that has consumed
all intentions of something
new

Together who knows what we could
do?

CBW: A crack in the ceiling, exposing a light?
A call from the heavens to let me know it's alright?
This twang on my heartstring,
Resonates deep inside,
Yet, why does the strummer think her good side should hide?
Her music consumed
what once writhed in the shade,
The musical beauty was who my demons obeyed,
Yet my demons are different from the ones some portrayed,
But you can easily soothe them, if only you played.
Although the music is for me, it's played for another,
You're stuck in a sort of limbo for a lover,
And it's hard to hear from rock bottom, to the top of your tower,
The music is faint unless you give it more power.
I'll be here, filling this rut with my tears, wishing that your music could reach my ears.

DDF: I watch you struggle
trying, trying
to pull yourself from the
bottom

I look down in despair
for I know this in itself
is not fair

A god I would never bring myself
to bow to
whispers of redemption in single-
minded tongue
catching my attention

My mouth opens without a warning
spewing out prayers from night until
morning

This is not music, my dear
these are my words laced with
your fear

I watched her crumble into
my hands like
the Earth’s crust

her death wish
had become a mass
I could no longer break apart

this Pangea of emotion
that I couldn’t save her from
was on our minds every
waking moment

She was swimming in a puddle
but to her it was the Atlantic
and
the continents were holding her
under

But
any archaeologist
who tried to extract
this skeleton
from the dust of
her mind was
indeed
foolish
-DDF

She had yet to realize
that the destruction
swimming in her veins
would form

continents along her skin

oceans in her eyes

a world in her heart

just to crumble the creations
when her love
reached out for
a taste

-DDF

I want to feel
the clink of your
teeth against mine
when your kisses
were too rough
for my rose-petaled lips

I want your fingertips
to trace the scars lining
my thigh while your
mouth explores the
terrain I myself
have yet to cultivate

I want you to find happiness
in the intimate crevices
of my body
that have yet to
hear the words:
“You’re beautiful.”
muttered and caught in
them for safe-keeping

I want this moment

here

forever

to attach itself to
my being so I can
at least remember
you at your most
vulnerable

and not when you
vanish into the
gray dawn that always
held ghosts for me -DDF

She loved when they
made love
and her heart
would peak

She loved the kisses he
planted upon her
cheeks

She loved the lazy
afternoons spent
in the Sunday
sheets

She loved the hands
that could make
her high
without any measure

She made no mention
of
her guilty pleasures

With each day she
would have never
guessed that
he would make her
pay

The bruises he left
were contradictions
to the kisses he
had once planted

The lazy afternoons
were filled with screaming
and *** without
love

But she stayed

She stayed

Why did she stay?

-DDF

it tears me apart
knowing that you will
never be able to have me
as I was

the innocent child running
her hands along off-white
walls
seeking Something she had yet
to find

the me before that Something
had found

the me that wouldn’t flinch
when a hand reached to
caress my skin

the me who looked
Something in the face
before it had bruised
all of her

the whole me
the me as I was

not this broken me
-DDF

This map shapes around streets,
cities, and boulevards
Tiny crevices, corners, and
unknown places I have yet to explore
Curves that sharpen themselves
just to mellow out

I can trace each line to find where
I am wanted

This map has ribs
has eyes
has bones
has spine

This map I explore with childish
vigor

This map has been used and torn
but beauty prints itself upon
parched paper

The eyes hold boulevards of love
The knots of spine hold cities
around the thin ligaments
The bones hold streets in every marrow
despite being worn down and rugged

This map I tell:
“I love you.”
When tragedy strikes in stale hours
of night

This map I hold
When happiness is just too far too grasp

I can read this map while others
squint eyes to see it’s perfect but faded
structure

Yet, I’ve never grown old of the minuscule
rips and faded print of her.

-DDF

To the girl who loves my brother,*

When you look at him, see his wide
eyes as not an invitation, but as an endless
cavern of innocence.
Look at my brother with respect,
as he survived his entire life growing up
with women.
Yes, he was taken in because his parents
no longer wanted the burden of a child
who was believed to be a mistake.
Look at my brother with pride,
because every night he heard me cry,
he whispered into the shadows,
“Are you okay?” To which my
reply was always, “I'm fine. Just sick.”
He listened to me blast my ears with
music to block out the world, and *******
it, he would pull one out just to say:
“Hey, you're going to lose your hearing.”
which was his way of saying,
“I'm worried about you.”
Don't you hurt my brother, as I've said
before, he was raised by she-wolves who
not only built a home, but arose from
nothing.
My brother was a burden I did not want
to bear growing up.
Now, I see his eyes are filled with
life, and his voice is deeper than an abyss.
My little brother who is not so little
anymore.
My little brother who I completely
destroyed when I told a whole bus filled
with kids: “He's adopted.”
I regretted it as his eyes clouded over, and
at such a young age, he knew this was a
bad thing.
Love my little brother for his quirky
comments, love him because I didn't
love him enough.
Love him on his weakest days,
love him when he's crying into
your pillows.
Love him because as I paved a path
for him to follow, he got himself
lost in the woods.
Lead him back to me, please.
Love my little brother as he was denied
this.
-DDF

The recollection of screaming and
tears breaks every wave of my
thoughts. The sheets remembered
the melody of you, and I can still
smell you dancing within in the air
of my desolated thoughts.


The screams had made a home inside of
my ears, and I brought them forward
everyday; I just wanted to remember
something of you.

Your tears.
Oh, God.
Your tears.
I drowned in them every night.
I never bothered to learn the
swim; I felt closer to you the
more I struggled to pull a
harrowing breathe from the lungs of
a being I did not recognize as myself.

I felt closer when meals turned into
a nightmare; when my bones stabbed
at my skin; threatening to push through
the shell of me.

I especially felt close when the metallic
barrel of my father’s gun whispered
sweet nothings; appealing demons I had
buried six feet under.

But even though I tried to feel so close
to you again,
I could not forgive the memories
within my mind for bringing
you home to me everyday. -DDF

All she wanted
was for someone to
long for her lips
like a nicotine addiction

to tell her that
her beauty was not
cordial enough
to plaster itself
on the outside of
her skin
but instead it
reserved itself
to be found within

to look her in
the face and
tell her that her
eyes held the
ocean's tranquility
before a hurricane

Because that's what
she was:

A ******* hurricane

-DDF

.surviving is being
.destroyed and finding
.a way to rebuild yourself
.with your own two hands
.while others watch
-DDF

Don't go.
It's not your time yet.
Don't go.
I cannot see this life without you.
Don't go.
I'll hold onto you, I promise.
Dont go.
Are you still here?
Don't go.
Are you still breathing?
Don't go.
I love you. I love you so much.
Don't go.
I know you're struggling, but I am too.
Don't go.
How can you leave me here?
Don't go.
I need you, I need us.
Don't go.
You're gone now. But I'm still holding
On. Remember? I promised.  -DDF

i will kiss each one
of your knuckles
just to remind you that
pain and love go hand
in hand

but
oh
how we punish ourselves
with both poisons

and i cannot tell if it's
you or i that brings us
back to this repetitive idea
that love will kiss our
scars and wipe at our
tears with hands equal
to that of
satin bows found
in sewing boxes

but **** did you love
how satin shimmered
-DDF

if my mother would
have told me
that happiness was
equivalent to the
fragility of a vinyl

…. I would have
threw my happiness
back in her face.

-DDF

They don’t remember
her

Well, she got burnt out
in a hotel and lost
herself

Now,
you can’t make anything
out of
her.

-DDF

I beg myself, "Stay alive."
I am my own hero
And ******* it,
I want somebody to notice
The dying soul in my eyes,
The shaky voice,
The cold heart,
The scars on my wrists from an absent
childhood happiness
I'm drowning in a puddle,
Everyone looks at my collapsing lungs,
Too afraid to reach down
Save me
The words I scream silently everyday,
Hoping one day someone will hear
Save me
It's too late now
These pills look like a perfect
escape. -DDF

There is no way to tell
how cold it used to be
But
Everybody wore
The sun and finding
You out there was
Standard practice.
You'd go in and close
The door behind you,
And
The man nearest you
Would
**** you back onto
The ice
and without a backward glance,
you would fall
I don’t understand
Why won’t you just
look at me? -DDF

.Once a writer
.has released poetry
.within your veins

.you will forever
.be beautiful
-DDF

that boy hasn't been
sober for days

and i can't help but
wonder
if it was my own
selfishness that
turned him into
such a useless fray
-DDF

Close Your Heart


Say of me I am living still
Because the smell of God
fills my nostrils
Say of me that I am living still
Because the Devil’s
laughter fills my ears
Say of me I am living still
Because the ghost of my past
still haunts my present
Say of me that I am living still
Because while my mind is
in Heaven,
my body is in Hell.
Say of me I am living still
Because the heart inside
of me,
is no longer mine
Say of me I am living still
Because when I see
the light
I run towards it
Say of me that I am living still
Because the life
I wanted was
not grasped with
loving hands
Say of me I am living still
Because my words to God
went unanswered
Say of me I am living still
Because the self-control
I’ve never withheld
has been stolen
within moments
Say of me that I am living still
Because the light
at the end of
the tunnel
has been snuffed
out
Say of me I am living still
Because the laughter
has turned into
forbidden screams
Say of me  I am living still
Because happiness
was never an
option
Say of me I am living still
Because the smiles
were all porcelain
Say of me I am living still
Because the choice
of life was
never mine
to make
Say of me I am living still
Because when I
look into your
face
all I see is
melancholy smiles
Say of me I am living still
Because the tidal
waves of my life
are beginning to
pull me under
Say of me I am living still


Because even though
you know how
to surf life’s waves
You’ve never taught
me
Say of me I am living still
Because the monsters
lurking in the
shadows
are now in
the light
Say of me I am living still
Because the stars
are now black holes
Say of me I am living still
Because the lyrics of your
love have faded
into tattered
music sheets
Say of me I am living still
Because the blue of your
eyes have turned
cerulean
Say of me I am living still
Because Romeo and
Juliet have turned
into a faded
fiction
Say of me I am living still
Because the sun
no longer illuminates
my mind
Say of me I am living still
Because your laughter
has turned into
nothing but poignant
static
Say of me I am living still
Because God has
forbidden me to
enter the gates
of Heaven
Say of me I am living still
Because Lucifer has
invited me for
a strong drink
Say that I am living still
Because my mind
is no longer clear;
but is home to
demons
Say of me I am living still
Because those words
were never carved onto
my grave. -DDF

I light a cigarette and cross my legs, eyes boring into his neck where a midnight shade of purple resides, just below where I once kissed.
A new smell of feminine wishes hangs in the air between us. And I know now, you can ****** someone without the use of any weapons. Death comes easy with even the most subtle breaking of a heart. -DDF

I remember the innocence of my childhood
happiness.

It was before bracelets were used
for more than just fashion…
before they were used to hide jagged cuts

The days when I only cried for my
scraped skin.

Now I cry for heartbreak and the loss
of more than just happiness.

The days where pills were only taken
to make “the hurt go away”.

Now they’re taken to make me go away.

The days where Root Beer was the only
“alcohol” I drank.

Now I drink shots of hopelessness
in small glasses of heartbreak

The days where the only kisses I asked for
were before I drifted off to sleep.

Now I beg for kisses in midnight hours
where the only love I receive is the kind
where the sheets are terrorized.

The days where candied cigarettes were my
way of being an adult.

Now cigarettes are the way of keeping
me sane.

“Look, mommy, look. I’ve grew
an inch!”

Now I’m growing without you.

Gone are the days where I felt your kisses
planted upon wet cheeks,
The days where I beg for your love, mommy.

I beg for love in the form of moaning,
bed springs creaking;
where sweat caked into my pores.

The days where my life meant something to
someone.

If I died now, who would cry for me?

The days where happiness grew on trees,
and you showed me how to grasp them with
dirt-covered palms.

Look, mommy. I’ve grew an inch.

An inch closer to the bullet
awaiting in it’s home.

-DDF

To the men who terrorized my innocence,

The screams that night still plague me, they haunt my midnight hours when I
beg for sleep to take its hold on me.
I remember holding her hand.

the girl I loved.

But, to you, she was just another person in the crowd…
Another victim.
To me, she was honey and roses on a summer morning; she was
the one to save me when I mixed too much Hell with Heaven.
I repaid her with the last few kisses I could muster while her tears intermingled
with our blood.

Just a few hours ago, she was smiling up at me in delight; arms wrapped around my waist
as the music played behind our enclosed bodies.

I held her like this until the bullet ripped her life away from this Earth.

An Earth without her,
It wasn’t someplace I wanted to be.
But I held onto the tidbit of life dancing in front of me;
the one that you had injured but had not stolen.
I couldn’t quite tell which set of crimson belonged to I;
the puddles were drowning all of us.
Which screams were mine?
I’ll never remember and I don’t think I’ll care to;
they all mixed into one loud wail as we fought to grip
the idea of hope.

Trust me,
my lungs were filling with so much hopelessness that
I couldn’t quite remember how to breathe without it within those moments
where I begged for God to take me with her.

But you.
Did you take delight in destroying us?
Her, I, and the others?
I had felt someone grasp my hand right after her’s had fallen away;

You know,
they must have felt me give up. because I knew
It was an encouragement to keep myself breathing;
to keep my lungs from restricting and my soul from rising.

I couldn’t quite tell you how long I thought you were there;
to me,
it felt like years.
I can’t imagine how long it felt for those people who were lined up in front of you
waiting for God to show his face in any form possible.  

The ones who stared down at your guns;
who pleaded for you to rethink your decisions
who had children at home,
who had spouses waiting for their smiles,
who had… families.

Those shots will forever be burned within my memory;
This night,
this horror,
this loss.

But will you wake up screaming,
wondering how you could have saved her?

Will you see their faces in every little corner of the street;
in every thought?

Will you relive the memory of how her hand felt pressed into yours,
right before you lost her?

Will you thank God for that one man who tightened his grip
on your fingers, keeping your mind here,
keeping you alive?

Will you trace the line of stitches along your body,
where the bullets had made a home within your skin?

Will you pray to God that this was only a nightmare,
just to hear Satan laugh in your ears?*

-DDF

The** entire existence
of me
on this Earth,
wasn’t for you.

I think I’ve realized that.

It took me all of my
17 years to open my eyes.

I opened my heart to
the biggest Demon here.

You. -DDF

Happiness, I was always told,
is not bought

But I’ve spent a
million days trying
to save for it

I sold the laughter
of my childhood
for less than a dollar

Each piece of my
heart went for a
quarter

The smiles of love
were the only thing
I kept

But I will sell that
for another
glimpse of
happiness

Everything has a price. -DDF

You are about to enter

a Soldier’s Creed

Where my loved one knew

that running and being

were of equal value


She was on the edge,

but I told her, “Be strong.”

She spoke about her

cousin, Death


She told me about

the people she would

meet in Heaven


I know this much is true.

I enclosed her within

a burned heart-shaped

box

Identical to a safe haven


She wanted to be released from

the tyranny of conscious thoughts

“If I stay…?” A collateral question


But I knew self-control

was a religion she

did not practice


Just one day, I’ll be home

with a Red Badge of

Courage upon my lapel


One day she’ll know

I am the best bad luck

she’ll ever have


I promise her the

moon and more

But she never knew

she was a Homeward Angel


An American tragedy


I was fighting for

my Country, when

a war was raging

in plain sight


She left me for dead


In her eyes, I was

a destroyer of the

world


I was gambling in

America

My loss was not

of money, but

of love


“Difficult times lie ahead.”

I hear this everyday now

She was my *******

fire, her flames

had been

distinguished


She realized I was

her God

So I promised;

Sometime, somewhere, someday,
I know we will meet again.  -DDF

miniscule cracks
lining the ceiling of your bedroom
chart out the abuse of
occupants who took
for granted the
memories spilling over
molded window sills  

but the cracks lining
each chamber of my
heart
chart out the abuse
of you

an occupant who was
far too familiar
with the way this
house twists and turns

even when vacancy
was no longer a
grungy sign swinging
from rusted chains

but a cry for help
-DDF

Run run run run run run.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts

Take me away.

Help help help help help

Wake up, wake me up.

Savesavesavesavesave me.

I’m drowning,
Aren’t I?

I’m dying*

God, I think I’m dying.

But I can still feel the blood in my veins,
The air in my lungs.

Remind yourself, Destiny,

“You are alive.”

But…I don’t think I am.

The scars on my wrists tell me a different story
than my heart.

I’m leaving, I need to go.
I need to find my home.

I need help. I need saved. I need happiness.

I NEED HELP. -DDF

“you should probably go,”
I know, what an innocent, simple request

but no matter the innocence, it
starts a quake in my bones, a trembling
that shakes continents from my veins,
and rips loose whole cities from their
foundations nestled in between my knuckles  

i’m sorry. i know how hard it must be to
deal with my arms wrapping themselves
around you, boa constrictors after prey,
and pulling you ever so close, close enough
to feel your pulse beat against mine

to feel the quickening of my own heart,
knowing that now i must leave, leave and
put up a fight with the empty storage that is
my bed

i cannot begin to tell you how many times i have
fought the crippling loneliness that lays between
my sheets, an unwanted lover, and have portrayed
the abuse of a lost battle

too many times i have lied down to show
my surrender, and too many times i have
been beaten while doing so

you see, loneliness was never a fair contender
never a fair person to begin with, matter of factly
and when i say i’m undeniably sorry for my arms
holding you too close,
know,
i mean it. -DDF

You’ll try to save her
but
saviors are only

knelt to

prayed to

given to

and dear
self-control was a
religion she did not practice
-DDF

Is it possible for me to love
someone when I can't
seem to grasp the
concept of loving myself?

But you.
Oh, you.
You make me wanna
love myself;
love every
curve of my bones
every scar
every raised mark.

You make me beautiful.
So beautiful.

But it's not enough for me.

I shed old dreams in the form
of traveling lies
pouring into a porcelain bowl.

I see bones carve themselves
from the shell of skin
that claimed itself as mine.

The eyes pry at my demise;
However, I cannot hide.
Believe me, I've tried.

I just want to be what
you want.
What you need.

Unrelenting midnight hours
have pushed me to empty
more lies than normal,
All I see is what you ask
of me.
My stomach is a cemetery
for you;
No matter how many times
I greet your casket;
you find your way home.

I just hope I find a way
to tell you…
This house is not a home. -DDF