You are the only person I think I will never tell how I feel or at least how I previously felt because it'll never be my place or the right time so-
I will always wonder if there was a missed communication or something I couldve said differently or done differently or anything I could've changed
I will always wonder if you knew or if you would have changed something if you did maybe you wouldn't have been so vague or maybe you wouldn't have made me laugh so hard or asked about my weekend or always started the conversation first because I was too proud to
I will always wonder if you noticed my hands and voice shaking the first time you ever talked to me
I will always wonder if you ever think back on what we used to talk about because I'm sure you never realized but I told you my tiny secrets and all I can do is hope that you knew.
I will always wonder about you.

How does it feel to be free?
To have everything you have ever wanted?
To be loved and love all at the same time with one person no complications?
It must be amazing to have everything at the tip of your fingers. Whether that be a cat, dog, rodent. Or a human being laying in your bed at 4 in the early morning with the sun just awaking from its slumber, its rays bouncing off walls, the persons face, your own ****** feautures being warmed from it. Do they have soft skin that you just stroke sometimes unintentionally and it reminds you of that silk night gown your mother used to wear. Is she beautiful? Is he rugged but sweet?
Did you leave the one you used to love because you found someone else and all of a sudden stopped loving because you never really did in the first place?
I bet you did, dont lie.
How does someone do that huh?
Please, i really want to know. How do you go from being in a 15 year relationship/marriage/engagement, and say every night that you love that individual you lay beside, and all of a sudden while doing your daily routine of getting up early for work and going to that local coffee shop for a small black coffee and the daily newspaper for luch time, you see someone. Someone you have never seen on this weekly run. And you say hi and introduce yourself, and you end up late for work.
That person didnt leave your mind once, did they?
As you start not wearing your ring anymore. You switch the placement of it, or you turn it so it just looks like an everyday accessory.
You changed and your love saw that.
So that one day later on, when those divorce papers on the dining table, or your bags of clothes and stuff in your shared home were at the front door, you were shocked and thats when you felt it.
Pain. Hurt. Anger. Shame. Broken.
They knew. You werent as careful as you thought you were, were you?


Now,
you sit at your small apartment on the corner of the worst, dirtiest street. They sit in their amazing home with the new love of their life, a few kids, a dog or cat. They are happy once again. The sad thing is of this whole situation youre in... is that, they still hope the best for you.
Youve hit rock bottom with nothing you love at your fingertips and no one to have there beside you, they are happy and in love.
See how the world works now?

The last time i saw you was February sometime
I dont remember what i said
But i know i was bored enough to leave early

I regret everything in my past.
I wish i spent more time with you
When i had the chance

Now you were taken away
By the hands of death themself
And ill have to deal with the guilt

Instead of spending time with you
I chose to watch tv and pretend it was okay
I loved you so much.

I never showed it because i was stupid.
I know that now.
I wish i spent more time with you.

Now she spends her days sitting alone
Wishing you were by her side
But you were taken away.

She prays to have you back
To hug you one last time
But no one is listening

I blame myself for her pain for it was my fault
I didnt do anything, and thats why its my fault
I couldve done more

I couldve came over more often.
I couldve talked with you over the phone
You raised me for half my childhood

I wish i spent more time with you
For ill never see you again.
Youre gone for sure now.

Seeing you in the bed made me cry
I shouldnt hugged you everytime
But i avoided it because i was stupid

Now ill never hug you again.
My mom cries for your death at night.
My dad says youre with the angels.

I cry every night over you.
I cry for your life being taken away too early
Grandmother cries for you but doesnt let it show.

Last time she talked to me
She reminded me of the past
And she cried and hugged me tighter.

Sometimes i feel your presence.
I try to hold on to that
But soon the guilt overtakes


I miss you so much.
Im sorry i didnt try harder
Its all my fault.

I wish you hadnt passed away, grandfather.

~Max

sorry is an understatement
for the pain i put you through
i understand why you dont want to hear it

i built you up and tore you down
like it was some sort of game
like if it put you in pain
it wasnt me to blame

i held you and promised
through thick and thin
but i couldnt help when
the doubt kicked in

it couldve been better,
i couldve done more,
didnt need to hurt her,
i think until i cant think anymore

i want to
make it up
but theres
no other way

i hope it at least helps
if i say
i hate myself for what i did
every single day

You, with your booming laugh and smooth hands
Tricked me so tenderly
into believing that there would be some love story
something for the ages
every standard I had you blew away so easily
all you did was take my hand
while helping me get out of the water
there are so many things that couldve been
I saw them there in you
every time you pressed your lips to mine
my mind scrambled almost coming unglued
it was you
like some old sinatra song
you held me just right
balancing and comforting me on those summer nights
its over now
there is no more us
just you and me
separated like we ought to be
the timing wasn't right
maybe in some other place
in some other life
you will lift my hands up one more time
kissing me goodnight
I just wish you couldve stayed
becoming the person to complete the couple
that i so dearly yearn for
I was almost sure that it was
you

sometimes she cries when she prays
think she's got it all worked out
sometimes the ocean only waves
never stays

she couldve held me through this
i know i dont deserve it
but ima still be selfish

im trying to be the good one here
but its so hard to hear anyone cheer me on
im working on it alright
wearing the same clothes twice
forgetting to eat
letting my phone die

"what are you going to do when im not around?"
my mind only drifts to the sound
you'll let me out
keep my mouth shut
eyes on the floor
my back to the door
can't tell anybody anything anymore

feel like youre hating me more and more

I was literally laughing as I wrote this poem #enjoy

I anticipated your arrival all night long, patiently waiting as I listened to love songs. Visions in my head of how the night would come along. Nervous as hell, but I had to stay strong. So i drank a glass of wine couldve possibly been two , knowing you had no idea of what we were about to get into. Or maybe you did... and wanted me to think ...other wise. Playing your part... angel In disguise. I get the text I was waiting for my heart started racing. I ran to the door you would've thought I was racing. In you walked and my world stood still.. I got chills... this was real...a new feel. The opportunity I was waiting for finally presented itself I had to take advantage ..if I should say so myself..... When my nerves calmed down it was time to make a move, afraid you would stop me, but I had to do what I had to do. Slowly I kissed you all over your body with Keith sweat playing in the background ... who can love you like me? ...NOBODY! Then I asked if you wanted me to stop... A rhetorical question.... You said no ...ooowee what a blessing. Accepted the Invitation for your information this was no fabrication but a lady doesn't kiss and tell so ill leave the rest up to your interpretation ...use your imagination!

I.* *Siren

Maiden of the sea
mysterious as can be
dipping beneath the waves
never to be seen
dragging poor sailors
down below their graves

Temptress of the ocean
devoid of emotion
player of a twisted game
sign of good or bad omen
yet every story ever told
ending the same

Sweet Sailor of the blue
I wish I couldve warned you
watch out for the maids
and try not to lose
your head or your heart
she’s only playing charades

I refuse to be a slave, Refuse to be a slave anymore God gave me the rights to be free...R.I.P To T.M & M.B. (jus 2 think tht couldve been me) 4 those who arent Paying attention I'm talkin about Travon Martin & the late Mike Brown, **** shame we're still being slaughter because of our skin tone, 2014 Last time I check Racism & abuse should be eliminate (not even in our train of thought as a people) by now!!! We as a people need to make our movement consistent boycotting anything with their pockets involved, injustice has to stop 1way or the other. Solutions should never Include us increasing the violence & killin another n the name of justice that doesnt exist ..

my female cicada
found way to lay eggs
inside of my nasal cavity
our larvae are
pupating
hatching free
screaming inside of my frontal lobe. maddening me.
and a swarm it swims out
every time that i sneeze
and i ask them to please **** me
with their disease
but they chew through my hyde
(and who knew that id
find the hard way these incestuous insects could tease
til they torture the swallowed man, hollowed inside,
empty,
wallowing,
died
(and now no mind to mind,
so i guess i forgive em;
their mess, as the walls of my mind are lined with em))
yes theyve blessed these
molested and
nested flesh pieces of me
and replaced em with feces and waste:
rest in peace.
guess a curse would be worse,
now i know that my family
makes our home in the earth,
and they take what they give;
they give Death to take birth
and take breath from each other to give to themselves,
and what else?
Fathers Brothers
and Sisters and Mothers
are Kissing cuz thats what lovers
do to lovers
before they enjoy their next meal made of ******.
"Meat i would like you to meet Meat and Meat" cuz thats all that they are to eachother like i was to their second cousin and mother. and she was to me a sure way to become better father and son by means of becoming fully free of this Life, what a wife, giving me family at the same time as taking my life so i dont have to end it by sending a knife through my wrist or my neck, oh and lest i forget: well, i beckon to send you a message, my wife: "im so sorry that i wasnt there when our our kids started ripping and taring your body apart. Love i Swear if i couldve been there idve stopped em and started to chop em and never have stopped. but its over now. lover how lovely itd be if you were singing delicately next to me with your legs and then climbed back inside of my skull to lay eggs in my nasal cavity. the screaming and ravishing, pupating, oh its so maddening not be having these. hacking and wheezing and coughing and sneezing til my nose is bleeding and they can start feeding. i wanna feel feelings of them eating on my brainstem and the rest of my flesh and then hollowing out all of my bones and then make a home as they start to have larvae all of their own which then, they will then start to eat, from my head to my feet, and between, from my elbows and knees, im a death bed of meat which my family needs;
theres so many to feed cuz - theyduplicatein3's...

stone's throw and the water's current, clouds shifting in the valley of the sky above
screams could be heard near
no,
it was more of a giddy falsetto, shouts that sounded too drunk,
it was an all too familiar sound for james an all too familiar person

"look at my wings! im a fairy! im coming home to the beloved land! wait for me fairy sisters!"

he went to the clear to see if he was hallucinating he wasn't
it really was her;
sophia
nine months since they broke up; that tearful separation

for a minute he just stood there at the far end of the river watching his ex girl friend spread her arms and glide near the banks in the bridge chanting and giggling

god, did he miss her voice and her laugh

she was just like how he remembered her, her timeless free spirited soul still intact as if she took her childhood with her as she grew up, clenched tightly in her fists

the moonlight kissed her milky pale skin, bathing it in a dusty sort of blue.
she was all by herself and he could tell that something was off;
like she was only half there, like her soul vacated her vessel and she was talking to someone not there

she seemed disoriented and james wondered if she was getting bad again,

the worry kicking in as soon as he thought about all those nights,
those times they got high and drank too much and drugged themselves, injecting poison they craved into their veins, letting cigarette ashes fall to their feet, tiptoeing about as if by a marionette's force trailing along the synchronized beating of their hearts
his mind and being time travelling, to the motel room they stayed at that summer bursting with heated afternoons and passionate air, the sheets that smelled of their love making, the wooden floor they sat on as he strummed the strings of his beloved guitar, singing to his muse, the balcony where they laid in each other's arms, in awe of the world around, cicadas chirping
their adventures and misadventures where she pretended to be a superhero and had him as her sidekick the times they pretended to be spies on quest and missions-she introduced and dragged him into her colorful magical realm.
she had dog eared, coffee stained colored books piled in the trunk of her car with words and sentences blacked out, renewed into greater poetry. he could've put a bookmark between pages of one of those books, and they could've dived right into it, staying in a chasm of a sappy, lovesick, sensual poem. they could've gone on a quest of slaying monsters and stopping time for eternity. he couldve stopped them from drowning

they were looking for heaven not knowing that heaven is not a places on earth

all he did was pull down the anchor and let her sink as he kept afloat. sure their connection was real and pure. they comfortably had both of their minds and spirits bare around each other they were two kites flying in a parallel motion but the wind dragged them down hurling them recklessly

they were rarely under substances, almost never under the influence of vices. it filled them up like birthday balloons and their love was the needle that caused them to pop. it had reached the point where they were trapped in a psychedelic haze holding on to each other to stay lucid

the drugs took their toll on them resulting to violence, abusive fights
he loved her so much that he built her a house of bricks and cement to protect her from the big bad wolf not knowing that ****** and ******* turned him into a wolf and he huffed and puffed til he blew her down blew her dead

he felt his heart hit the flat line as her heart stopped for seconds in the ambulance that night he felt everything warp into everything he's ever known everything he's ever had, ever los. he felt the drugs warp into her as if she was the side effect instead of the addiction. the drugs gave them the illusion of being alive while remaining two lifeless, misguided souls.

miraculously they were able to revive her back to life but comatosed with only monitors and tubes sustaining her "life".
that night he dreamt of being with her and holding her hand for the last time as they made a pact, the promise; that they would both get better, get help, get rehab, have blood in their bloodstreams again and have normal functioning lives. they parted with a promise and a someday; that someday they'd meet again when things were right and the stars have aligned maybe, maybe. they kissed and touched in one another's presence before they parted in different directions, for freedom for the better it was a dream within reality. he knew she dreamt it too, that they were stars weaved in the same dream.

he walked closer, to where she was, still seemingly trapped in a trance mindlessly but she alarmingly tethered too close to the water, flailing her arms inviting the wind to knock her down and be part of the river, be the tides the rocks skipped. he had to do something

" sophia!" he screamed, her name echoing past the trees and the trailer houses. it was enough or her to look at him with those eyes, the same eyes that said it all before. recognition fleeted for a second before it went blank but she stopped tethering and perched herself on the bridge

he gave her a lift and took her home to the dorm she was newly staying at for the semester (it was hard to get it out of her from her drunken slurs almost like he had to pull her back from space) and on his drive back with a cigarette perched on his lips he thought about the way he laid her down, passed out and how he stayed for a bit longer, letting his fingers linger across her hair spun from golden silk and the lopsided smile that hung in her face while she slept.

he wondered most of all if she really got better, if the dark was behind her and if she was truly beyond it. he really wanted to believe the pictures that lined the walls,pictures of her smiling, with her friends, her family months after the promise.

she did look better, her skin baring a hint of plumpness and had a healthy glow replacing the sagging hollow that lived in it all those months. after the episode he witnessed (she did reek of ***** and had bloodshot eyes and was shaking not to mention the trance she was in), he didn't know if she was only good at keeping up the "better" facade. but he had his fingers crossed

he was about to let himself out, an ache growling in his stomach as they were to be separated again but he guessed it was the closest they would ever be.

"tell james i love him. always"

his head swiveled back to her and she was still tucked asleep. he could've sworn she said it, he couldn't be hearing things-after being eight months clean of substance usage.

he felt the familiar burn of the cigarette, and he threw it out of the window leaving the remnants of the nicotine inside him. he hated himself for lighting one up and keeping a half pack all this time. this was his first successful relapse and it was all because of her. like a ship tied down to an anchor;he was still tied to her, invisible ropes weighing him back to her ghost



she would always be his downfall

SUNDAY
had a go at hating you, first
found it wouldnt quite fit—well
things like this never did suit us
we're really not the right people for it
not those dark-eyed shark-teeth people
who could craft art from the wreckage
of one another: split each others atoms
open, and maybe find beauty
all the way down
i know we're far too ugly for that
and it occurs to me today
that you likely know it too
so again i'll be the fool, will i?
that's alright; i know you'll get your turn
and i know its always good to have
a little mystery left

MONDAY
i found some old pictures of you
private things, badly-lit:
spent two minutes thinking about
how you almost got there that one time
watching my collarbones twist up into my skin
as i shrugged and said "alright—
do what you like";
spent another one
wondering if youve been there since

TUESDAY
look,
i remember it all just fine
dont tell me a single thing
about how much i did
or didnt eat, and dont you dare try to tell me
how you were always a little drunker
than you let on
ive decided i dont give a ****

WEDNESDAY
i saw your latest ex
just last week—thought you should know
they walked fast like someone with nowhere to be
who does not want anyone to see the aimlessness
of their travels
it reminded me of a bird, i think
or a desperate little moth
or a locust
lost in lieu of an swarm
either way: something with wings
and i wondered for a moment
if in the end theyd believed me after all
and then i went back off on my way
just a bit faster than before

THURSDAY
sometimes i think it wouldve been easier
had you just really made me **** myself
i think you couldve come up with
something really beautiful
if you tried
so at least there is that

FRIDAY
theres a bloodstain on the tracks tonight
a little faded, a little old, not quite enough
im waiting for the last train home
turning myself inside-out
with thoughts of you
and suddenly i am hoping
that wherever you are
you are okay
(i lean my head in against the window
and sleep, all the way
and i dream of you)

SATURDAY [1AM]
i wake up shaking
and i miss my stop
and some other things
and i realise on the long walk home
that you liked my writing before you liked me
and i wonder if youd like this
i wonder if youre winning

SATURDAY [1PM]
you wouldnt touch me like this; sickly
and sweaty and small
paying respects to a watery grave
youd love me but you wouldnt touch me
i left you a message in-between waves
just to ask if you meant what you said the last time
i couldnt even quite remember what it was
something slurred that hit me running
like being passed over by a storm
and then i heaved a dozen flecks
of language up into my hands
watching some illusion of coherency
a quiet, collected existence
drip out through my fingers
and didnt care one bit
yes, im quite sure now
youre winning—no
youve won

SUNDAY**
i thought about it and decided
im starting fresh; it is 10am
and i am trying earnestly
to hate you

i told them what happened
i cried in their faces
some said "you were wearing those leggings- you know what that was saying"
some didn't believe me at first but when the tears came they heard
the pain in my voice and they believed my words
some said i didn't deserve it but at the end of the day i willing put myself in the situation
'what the hell' i thought
'i have no support"
the group message was all complaints
about them being pulled from class to help my case
did they not see my pain?
i felt all alone
like no one believed that i had said the word "no"
or that i asked him several times if we could go
and he replied "no"
my consent didn't matter
when the only way out is to climb the ladder
that's what u should do
i couldve bit and i could have fought but i didn't see how when every boy i play fight w could pin me down
and i had just bought the pepper spray that was in the compartment between us

nobody believed me
maybe he did
but he still blamed the situation on me
when you say what you say all i hear is
"you got ***** bc you put yourself in the position too"
i knew it could happen
so does that mean i was asking for it?
no
^ that's the word he didn't understand
i want to puke, and sometimes cry
other times i'm numb and feel nothing inside
i can't be alone w my love now and not breakdown
i had a dream last night it happened again
except this time i told no one
because why go through the pain of telling it and re creating it to these people
if they aren't gonna believe ya
im laying in the dark and hoping that i can ball and cry reall soon
"thank for believing"
i got to say to no one ever

like a piece of paper
printed-stored in a dark file
then -after a while placed inside a shredder
that how useless i felt
when our love went through the wire
it doesnt matter how much i couldve prayed
but i had fallen pray
of this cycle of life that happens day by day

like a piece of paper
i got recycled-re vived again
as to become useful to somone
out there
willing to make me appreciated again
turning me into something different
making me feel useful again

pegz (c)

All you do is put me down
Shut me down
And laugh

You're a ******* princess
Thinking you're cool
Just because you hang with a group of people that seem to think they're better than everyone else

You always have your nails done
Your eyebrows done
Your hair done
Everything has to be perfect

Im not a girly girl
Im not rich
Im just a white chick
Who couldve give two *****

I used to think you were my friend
That you were nice
But the only reason I ever thought that
Is because you were using me
Since you had noone else

We were best friends
Great friends
But now I wonder why
I dont want anything to do with you anymore
All you do is make me feel like Im below you
That Im not good enough
That Im not cool enough

You know what?
Go **** yourself.

I don't remember you
                    But I love you    
       I bet your laugh was contagious
  And your bright smile turned heads
You were the kindest **** anyone couldve
                                Met
Heard the universe stopped turning when
                              You left
After all nothing can survive when its lost
                              The best
Never got to know you before you left
                           This world
          But i will always be Daddys girl

frozen in time,some say frozen inside
my mind races with what couldve been
instead im covered my favorite sin
i cling to my darkness because my soul feels comfortable there,
judged by my looks, the great smell of my hair.
daily smiling yet screaming inside,
where is my knight for behind i could hide?
u left me alone to look everywhere for u, yet your voice always saying your love is true.
your words and you are two worlds away, confusion in me deciding which world i will stay.
the scars on my wrists the scars on my heart
all proof to u how your body and mind on me departs.
yet to let me go would never be your choice, my true love for someone
now ive lost my voice.
once my best friend now turns on me and bites like a snake,
the addiction in u runs so deep and cold, ***** waste no beautiful lake.

-Under the iceberg.

There is something I must get off my chest,
A few nights ago, I browsed the deep web.

Curiosity got the best of me,
I had to do it or Id go crazy.

I saw many things I can not unsee,
Endless horrors still living in my pysche.

I couldve stopped anytime, actually,
But instead, I chose to stay glued to my pc.

Now, even though I witnessed obscene ****,
I dont regret what I did, not one bit.

my heart aches
with what couldve been.

The moment love ends!
The fear of starting over
Thought of never finding love
Or feeling worthy of it
It takes time to heal the stubborn hear is locked
On the person won Denys and rejects you most
You can't replace it feels wrong
Others show love but the heart is reserved
Always thinking of what shoulve
Or wonder what couldve been.
Others unworthy of love
Because it's not true love
Moving forward is hard
But trust one day true love will find you

Trapped in this vantablack room
There’s got to be a key somewhere
But Where?
Why do I want to leave this place????
The Isolation has been oh so nice....
I came here feeling strong, confident, powerful
Now I am nothing other than a pasty white corpse
A Corpse that has nothing to give because I have only taken
I desired lust and what I thought would lead to love

Karma got the best of me

I forgot to love myself
If I don’t relearn how to love myself then I will be trapped in this purgatory
Okay just one step before the other….
Good….
Another….
Ugh I just fell and cut my hand….
Well there goes that opportunity
I will just go back from where I came
Not like anyone every loved me the way I love them….
Wait????
Is that a voice?
“Woah hi what are you doing here????”
I was looking for some *****…..
Well I am sorry but we don’t have that here

But…….
It looks like you found the key to my heart…
Thank you so much…..
I cant imagine where I would be without you being here today
I couldve been lost forever if you didn’t show up today
“At the very least can I get your name?”
“I am Danielle”
One Year Later
“Danielle will you marry me?”
“YES!”

I will not ask you what youve buried
With the hands that you used to pull me out of the earth.
I shouldnt ask you what youve tried to pull from the sky
With the fingers that you used to reach me to the clouds
I wouldn’t ask you what you’ve kept silent
With the mouth that you used to convince me from the shadows
I couldn’t ask you what you’ve run away from
With the legs that ran towards me.
I wont ask you why you did
I wont ask you why you shouldve
I wont ask you why you wouldve
I wont ask you why couldve
And neither should you.

why did I miss the

wetter pillow nights

unanswered texts from days gone by

trying not to correct you with all my might

cause you were always "right"

not being able to eat when you said "you're beautiful"

&starting; to agree with everything the way you see it to be

but that wasn't me

no way it couldve been me

How could I miss that?

later coming across knowledge of being number two.

Losing interest in missing it now

cause I don't miss you, please don't even glimpse a thought in your rightful mind that I do

Its been 5 months…..

& I know im still in love with you…

You still cross my mind everyday.

There is always something that reminds me of you, or something I wish we couldve done together.

Im sure you know i still care for you & still love you by the way I talk to you when you message me on Kik. We have cute conversations no matter how strange they be, there is still a connection between you & me.

I was asked by a friend:

“Do you think you’ll get back together?”

I told her I wasnt sure.

No for right now but YES for the future.

I told her I do have hope that one day in the future when we are a little older& wiser that if we bump into each other & still feel that connection we always had since the beginning…..then I hope that we get back together & give it another go :)

I cant give up on HOPE….so if it comes true in the future with you and I….then it would be a dream come true…. because I know that once I see you again, my heart will skip a beat & Ill know I still LOVE YOU…… ♡

Ignore the demons.
Remember that you did well,
Tell the demons to shut up.
You'rekayyou'reokayyou'reokay
Don't let anyone see you like this.
Plaster that smile
Be "happy."
Let the tears and blood fall in the showers
Let the freezing water mix with your warm tears,
Let the demons out of their cage.
Cause I'm not okay, I promise.
You couldve done better. Put more effort.
Stay up late. Study more.
Do so much more...
You're an idiot how did you even get into one of the schools?
Hah must have been a pity letter.
I ****.
I should've done better.
I could've done better.
That school? Seriously?
What are you, stupid?
Why, in fact I am.
My brain is mush and I didn't try hard enough to mold that stupid ******* into something comprehendable and usable.
Ishouldhaveishouldhaveishouldhave
****...
You are terrible and unusuable,
Nothing to those school,
Youre a ******* stupid ******* who is nothing.
Nothing worth looking at or inviting to a school.
A lil *******.

Go join the other pieces of **** over there,
Yeah?

Everyday that goes by, his heart gets a little weaker. we used to joke that he didnt have one, now he actually wont.
                                                           ­               

  his voice used to resonate through the house, rattling the walls and slamming the doors. we used to joke that we’d be better off if he’d run out of breath, now he actually does.

  some days i try not to breath so i can feel what he feels when hes gasping for air. fear clogs my throat and blocks my vision. im not sure if its fear for him or for myself when hes gone.

  ive been spoiled since birth, never having to put anyone before myself growing up, always getting my way. now i know what i want most of all out of everything in my life but the only response i hear is the yelling and stomping of my tantrum attacks, god looking at me and saying see you cant always get what you want.

  In times of crisis i always retreat into myself, finding shelter in my thoughts and words. This time though, theres no solace in my mind, only panic and hopelessness making me want to escape. The voices get loud and they shout what if, what if, what if. A 50/50 chance isnt a lot to hang on to and everywhere i grasp my hand comes up empty. Trust isnt my strong point and i cant trust a possibility.

  Im afraid one day ill get a letter titled “mesages from beyond” and each one will say “you couldve done better”.

  Im looking for something like hope but every corner i turn is silent and dark. The quite used to relax me but now it surrounds me, all i can hear is the echo of my voice.

  The fort i built around myself is crumbling at a fast pace, all my gaurds betrayed me leaving me when i needed them most. winning this war looks unnattainable by myself, how do you win when the enemy can only be defeated when the person you want to save is deafeated too?

   The only letter i want to get is one saying “you did the best you could”.

ill be the one
to pick you roses everyday
put teddy bears in your bed
all i ask in return
is simply to bone
roll aroundin the hay
once in awhile some head
that would be nice
but your hearts as cold as ice
it couldve worked
but too many times i had to ****
made me into an *******
ran my *** up a pole
with the lies that you told
scorned me until the end
now bend over and take it
cuz karmas coming
so save your goodbyes
and i'll be everywhere you go

One day after a couple of blunts in my friends car the conversation of
"Whats the worst thing you have that you could lose?"
Someone said their eyesight cause they like colors too much, I almost agreed; I dont know how long I could last in a world with no tie dye and  where I couldnt watch the sunset dance its ****** and the sky take its curtain call.

Someone said hearing,
God this one I almost totally agreed with. My favorite songs are now only the parts I can remember.
My mom can now only yell at me with her eyes and never will you hear your love say I do in their violin voice.

Still something else seemed worse, and it might just be because im so sentimental, but I answered memory.
I REMEMBERED a friend from middle school that I rode the bus with who was usually very cheerful getting on the bus one day looking very distressed, and it was only 6:45, what couldve been wrong so soon? So I asked.

"My Grandmothers alzheimers has gotten worse,  she forgets my name sometimes."
That hurt me to hear and I could only be there for her that morning.
As time went on she returned to slight normalcy but one day she got on the bus looking more sullen than ever, I moved to her seat to talk to her about it.

"My grandmaw is in a nursing home now, and every day when she wakes up she doesnt know why shes there. She doesnt just forget my name anymore."
She. Didnt really return to any normalcy and as months went bye she was out of school for a day and when she came back she explained to me why and it still rings in my head as one of the saddest things I've heard.
"My grandmaw got worse and worse, eventually having to be reminded how to use utensils, and she forgot about my grandpaw, and eventually how to eat and drink. Her funeral was yesterday."


So when the question was asked I thought about having to visit a loved one and having to introduce yourself,
And not being able to say,
"Remember that christmas when we both over ate?" Or "remember the time you paid for our first date? Do you still remember what I ate?  Do you remember our vows? Do you remember when we hid our hickies from our parents and it didnt work? "
"Remember riding our bikes past the firehouse and scraping our knees? Do you remember the time at your birthday when you let me help you blow your candles out? Remember when we talked about how to talk to girls remember summer days spent swimming and laughing till our stomachs hurt because nothing really mattered? Do you remember?"

That would eat me alive,
Take my legs and arms,
Those things can be made fake,
But memories cant be replaced.
Make them while theyres time to be made, and write a detailed autobiography just to be alzheimers proof.

for all you have done
you earn a ticket
for lost intentions
and plans broken
for the unspoken words
and looks that could ****
for the nights that go on forever
and probably always will
for leading me to you
then letting me fall
desiring my body
then rejecting my heart
for ******* it over
before it could start
skip right to the epilogue
couldve been my favorite character
but when the plot had its twist
fields of white powder
took you up in mist
for calling every night
only to hang up if words didnt come out right
you were the moon and i am the sun
chasing
but youd never know how fast i can run
or how soft i can touch
hard soul
like the scruff on your chin
scratching the surface
never reaching within
for tainting the minds
of the lightest girls
trading lies and insincerity
for ribbons and curls
eyes blue and brown
now cloudy and red
puffs of smoke and cigarettes
we try to inhale
but fail
the fumes of your world
can not penetrate ours
a glance in halls
permanent scars
torn open and bleeding
through our smiles and waves
acting as if its all okay
to hold your gaze
or hold your hand
its all the same
your lips told lies
but i breathed them in
only to see if i would survive
but instead i sank too far to be saved
back into your maze
no exit in sight
no sense of self
only sense of flight
heavy chest
and compulsion deep
enough
to find myself
for you to keep
*******
you cant have me
in the back of your car, maybe
but never fully
your words mean nothing
when your actions show so little
scared, or insecure
its hard to remember why
i let your clothes hit my floor
your grateful dead t shirt doesnt mean **** anymore
cigarette butts burn holes in my mind
i guess thats how you snaked your way through
but get the **** out of my heart
no one invited you
if you hold my hand
you have my heart
roped down so tight
kept out of sight
you take me down
it brings you up
you float away
but here i stay
trying to piece together what you do and you say
too many seams left undone
but you dont care
you were never one
to notice
serene is how you met me
somber is how you left me
captivated
intoxicated
mutilated
your words like rhythm
but i should have never trusted the beat
dancing in your symphony
warned to change the station
but i turned you up louder
until you broke the speakers
repair
and climb
back out of my mind
but we cant turn back time

Woah woah woah as i go i know its too late and i hate that i dont appreciate the gifts i have until have i dont no i wont make that mistake again im a grown man now outta the play-pen and as i hold this pen scribble these lines i find myself looking back black and white memories of shes of the past lasted so long but went so fast now theyve moved on no longer held back by thoughts of me but all i can see are the mistakes and what couldve be if i hadent been me but thats okay there are seven billion humons on this planet so granted ill find another who will see all my destructive tendencies and be pleased or at least put up with me

I pretend as if im okay, as if my life was full of daisies and butterflies, as if it was clear blue sunny skies with birds chirping and peaceful sounds of water falls. As i pretend to be okay or content - it still runs in my mind - you; the girl who changed my life for the better, the girl who i wouldnt change a **** thing about. Its been about a month now since we broke up but still seeing you and doing all the things we still do is killing me - i met someone new who made me forget about you for a moment - but she said "it was more guilt than lust" That was fun and happy but then it ended & i ended up coming back to - you. As if youre happy with your boyfriend i still continue to wait on my chance again - i get my hopes so high. The chance of meeting someone new sickens me. What if they left me for someone else again? What if they arent really about it? As i pretend not wanting anyone else for the better sickens me too. Im stuck between lust and in love all over again - someone can catch my attention quick & id give them my mind - my feelings - my kiss *** kisses and hugs and etc. but i still pretend to be okay. I wanted to continue this fantasy i had with you - a life i wanted to build with you but youre happy with him.. As im utterly confused about another girl. I couldnt drop you for nothing, if i cant be apart of your life as friends while being or having a benefit with someone else - i couldn't do it. As i pretend to be okay - to see you so happy with him.. I still question why i held you back for so long .. I wish i was okay .. I wish i couldve taken a step further to make you happy.. I pretend so much..