Every single little message that I’ve sent you, every little way possible to get your attention.. might be everyday, it might be every other day.
As soon as I heard from you, my heart dropped. I couldn’t breathe. It’s like the first day I saw you again when you came home from the barracks. You walked by my job and flipped your hair and I had to double look to make sure that it was you. I just couldn’t breathe. We spent everyday FaceTiming because we couldn’t stand being away from each other. Even before you came home from North Carolina.
Things fell off on the wrong foot, I’m willing to try with everything I have in my strength to get you back into my life. It may or may not work, but I have faith. I knew what we had was something along the lines of infatuation. Yeah, it was 3 months but the best 3 months I’ve been through in a long while. You were my home, a home that I couldn’t have.
I miss seeing your face every morning, with those beautiful blue eyes staring at me. The morning cuddles until the time we fall asleep, the times you’d get mad cause I didn’t grab for your hand as we walked. I miss us jamming to tiktok songs or even our songs. You getting all frustrated because I mumbled my words and I didn’t want to repeat myself. Calling you linda when we jokingly start to argue. Or slapping your *** in public and how embarrassed you’d get.
I’m missing your face, your touch, your voice, your long sharp acrylic nails, missing every little piece of you.
Now that you’re engaged, I wish nothing but the best for you and your future.
- I love you.
Love just really freaking *****.
Because you fall in love with someone who you know is no good for you.
Because you love someone so strongly and you long for them so deeply, you can’t keep yourself away.
Or worse, you feel yourself being torn apart when you keep yourself from them.
And the pain never lessens.
It never gets easier.
Months go by but the pain stills rips through your heart like a knife when you see an old picture,
Your favorite picture of you and him laughing, without a care in the world, seemingly so happy.
And even though the words he said and the things he did still cut like double edged swords...
You still want him back. You still want him to hold you. You still want to stroke his hair and hear his laugh.
But he hurt you. So why do you want him back in your life?
If I knew, I’d figure it out and stop it.
Because here he is calling me and asking me to come over over. Here he is asking me to stay.
And it’s all I really want right now, is to be with him, but I need to say no, I HAVE to say no, but I just can’t because I’m so hopelessly in love with him. Even when he’s only hurt more than he’s helped.
I’m in love with him.
I know staying the night will only end with me crying in my bed alone. But I stay anyway. Because my heart pulls me to him like the moon pulls to the earth.
If I could stop it I would. But I just can’t.
I’m in love with him.
I thought I was ready to move on. I thought I was ready. But I wasn’t ready to look up from his lips and not see your face. I wasn’t ready to wake up and roll over to a face that wasn’t yours. I wasn’t ready to move on at all.
Allowing myself to love you is like allowing you to hold a knife to my throat
You could hurt me at any second
And that scares the **** out of me
fingers wrapped around my neck
gripping me so hard
wish you had the same kind of grip around my heart
love me for gods sake
I wish I could make you love me.
Would it be true love?
Do I really care?
Because all I want
In any way
In any shape
In any form
Is for you to love me
If you decide to read this,
Know there’s nothing more
I’ve been longing for
Than the feeling of your hand
Gripping my thigh
The rush I get when we are
Eye to eye
The goosebumps I get
From your breath across my neck
And I wish I could hide it
But I can’t deny it
****, I’ve missed you.