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Amanda rodeiro Dec 2015
It’s gotten bad

Not bad as in this feeling will pass

Bad as in not caring if I crash my car and don’t survive 

At least it’ll be an excuse for dying 

I imagine what my funeral would look like 

Hope mom would know Id want daisies, sufjan Stevens playing and my face looking the same way it did in everyday life

Vanity still exists in death 

Dad used to have his up and down days 

He still does 

The way to survive?

Lock in all up in the imaginary vault you hold in yourself

Hold all the negative thoughts



Hold em hostage

Don’t let them see the light

The one flaw in his plan was the outbursts he’d have from the demons escaping for a little while

Wouldn’t happen for a month

few weeks

two weeks

few days


Sometimes I think some of them escaped him and found their way into me and that’s why I have an unjustified anger blooming in my aching chest that I can’t silence 

It’s no excuse for what I say when I lose control 

When my apologies reach the thousands to the point where they don’t matter 

I’m sorry

That I can’t make up my mind

That I can’t do what’s best for me

That I do things to hurt myself

That I think I deserve pain

That I can’t stop saying sorry

I need to stop feeling sorry
Amanda rodeiro Dec 2015
I take my coffee piled with sweetener and syrup because everything about me is
bitter bitter bitter 

The thoughts in my mind to the movement of my toes, I just want to kick that ** 

God only knows

Eleven cavities, reason being hereditary

Bitterness has trampled through my bones, blood, veins 

Fighting for the day when I let it come out and play 

Bitter bitter bitter

Shut it all in till I have nothing left to say 

Yet everything to say

With no reason to stay 

Numbness has gone away leaving an onslaught of shame in its wake 

If only I didn’t feel the need to stay awake

Play this lifeless game

Where my heart always gets in the way
Amanda rodeiro Dec 2015
I want to go home but I’ve never really had one 

Home has always been a wasted place full of lies and burdens, talking yet never listening 

When the time comes to leave I’ll only remember how I placed home in a body that couldn’t love the preciousness In a goodbye, the awakening in a hello

When my problems become unbearable I tend to make myself out to be the righteous one, the innocent one

I didn’t want to kiss him, didn’t want to do anything with him yet I still took those steps

The alcohol helped but the clarity through the haziness should’ve halted me 

The process begins with an internal emotional breakdown, mind goes numb, fingers tingle and the heart races 

Thoughts point to “it’s already ****** so why not **** it up more?”

I just want it to hurt, feel the pain I deserve for what I’ve done 

Pleasure doesn’t phase me anymore 

My mind is so delusional these days that I can’t tell what is wrong or right, if I’m making up the issues in my head. Subconsciously Exaggerating them for my personal advantage 

Which is why I always go back 
Back to the lies, lack of love, hardness, tight grips and hateful kisses 

Does he find weak minded girls because he knows they’ll never have the strength to leave? 

Stuck thinking this is love, rough and hatefully passionate but never soft 

Take me, take everything I have, mind and body, do whatever you want to it 

Because I’ve been taught love is giving, giving everything you have until you have nothing 

Take my dignity and pleasure

Leave me with bruises, shame and a numbness that courses through my every cell 

it means he cares
Amanda rodeiro Dec 2015
As I go through all my past poems I realize my heart never listened to my mind and it never will

Everything written about him is littered with the signs of emotional abuse yet I can never escape 

Breaks my heart and tells me he doesn’t love me yet I still hold him and wipe his tears as he cries

Each tear dripping down his face reminded me of each girl he talked to

I wanted to be appalled by his touch, his eyes, the overgrown scruff on his chin

But I wasn’t 

Begged him to hold me, begged him to stop the ******* car, Screaming fits that shook the Window
Begged him to kiss me and hold me on his lap

I wondered if I was always looking into the eyes of a sociopath, if I lied to myself about it the entire time

A year and a half

A year and half wasted built on lies screamed right at my face

I just want to be loved 

Yet I walked right into the hands of a man that wasn’t capable of ever loving anyone or anything

I gave him everything in me, every single inch of myself

Stayed in shape, lost friends, isolated myself, did whatever he asked me to whenever for fear of him getting angry 

I wasn’t enough 

The worthlessness I feel drips from my eyes and mouth, a constant feeling of Nausea stuck in the back of my throat 

Now I’ve got a reason to despise the holidays just like my father does

Couldn’t have asked for a better present 

Merry Christmas to me
Amanda rodeiro Dec 2015
I want my love to swallow him

I want my love to be all he wants to think of and all he wants to know

I want him to think of me
To love me when the sun goes
I want him to be blind with only me in his eyes

I want him to think of me when he’s lying in bed
Every waking thought should be of me

Unless he were to be dead

I want to be a river, one with no end

When the days turn into waves I want to be the one he saves

I want to be a tsunami
A force needing to be seen

When the calm arrives and the storm leaves I want to be the sea
I have a thirsting need to be seen
To be remembered and obsessed

When the time comes to leave I go without a mess
He will be fuming 

I will leave him as a bird without a nest

For he is the one that needs me

But I don’t need him
Amanda rodeiro Oct 2015
“I can’t let you go” drips from his leering lips to his weary woes


The sound of his affection swallowing you whole


The sound of the lock bounding your sinking soul

Wishing to let him go 

Never saying no

Wondering why everyone says you’re a spineless droll

Leaving would make a lifeless show

Picking up the trash pieces everyone has thrown 

Bring out the basket, throw away the bile

Isn’t love just vile
Amanda rodeiro Oct 2015
It felt like those steps in main hall 

Crumbling, cracked and caving in from the weight of the soles over the years

Burdens were knifes to the heart

The guilt and remorse enveloping your already numb, almost gone conscious
You wonder when you started feeling like a graveyard full of emerging corpses

The putrid smell was what gave them away

You check before you leave to see him if the clean cotton scent is still lingering on your skin 

You douse more of your lavender perfume on to cover it up

Dabbing at the same spots lips left a trail of promises on the night before

We could call you a hypocrite but we know you already hate your self enough

Was it worth it?

We know the guilt you feel is for having no guilt at all

Your mind was clear, unabashed, silent 

His angry affection was nowhere on your mind

Have you ever thought that the reason for his anger is because you give him no other choice?

We all agree that anger shouldn’t be automatic, shouldn’t be an instinct 

The way your father shows his anger is the same he shows his

Your fathers heart has been breaking more 

The slower the beat, the longer the sigh

You hear the impending stress under each of his steps, the ache in his chest, the absence of his company 

He tells you that the pain is tolerable some days, others not so much 

To not take the world so serious because it’ll just ***** you over in the end

Push your faults onto other people

Never admit it was all you

When the day comes to say goodbye I won’t tell you about the lies and deceit 

I’ll save your heart from breaking for I selfishly cannot cope with another broken heart
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