Some days are fine or days my thoughts are stuck in a loop. Hard to breathe trying to compose myself sometimes it feels like my mind is slipping away. The time goes slower than normal. Hard to relax feeling tense and unable to rest so restless. Fresh air hits my face a sense of feeling sometimes the world around feels grey and dark. Trying to connect years of being rejected and disconnected. Things don't make sense to me but no one seems to get or understand my way or thought process. Heart racing beating in my throat. Taste of stomach acid in my mouth.
Infamous one Feb 8
He minded his business so many problems while others Intrude their opinion. He felt provoked and taunted all he did was keep to himself. Some people have nothing going on so they bothered him in his space when all he wanted was to be left alone. He doesn't know these people but they act like he owes them something. They play loud music and throw liter in his area. He cleans it up while they continue to disrespect him he was better than them to lower himself just so they can feel some level of importance. He had a good day and they ruined it for him. He already takes on enough at work hard working determined to move up but stuck in transition. He didn't bother with anyone or need approval. He did what he could but felt so limited like the world was against him. He prayed gave it to god. He was a believer but felt challenged he sacrificed himself he was losing his grip on reality and who he was from who he seen himself becoming. He didn't like to argue because his mouth got him I trouble. His honesty was direct and straight to the point. They called him mean and blunt that's not who he was or wanted to be.
Infamous one Feb 4
Times have change things will never be the same or go back to the way they use to be. Need to start fresh he use to date he was young wild and free. He grew up in a Latino community that was with standards and morals he was instilled even thought he didn't agree. So his first crush was a light half and colored girl. His family was not prejudiced but they were only with what was norm to them. The family never left the town or community. This child grew up explored the world been to more place than the rest of the family. He was torn between loving this girl and the tough love his family gave him all he wanted to do was make them proud and be happy. He did want family approval which was an uphill battle but when they didn't approve it was like he went against the family. He didn't get help so he had to do it all himself. It hurt him took its toll but it made him stronger and wiser. He just wanted to be loved and find love with the right person even though he had made mistakes being with the wrong girl. He tolerated stuff to be liked and accepted eventually that didn't matter he was over all the drama. He always pleased others no one was ever happy or dreadful. He eventually learned to do it for himself do what's right. He was over fake and phony people. He gave them his best while they dragged him down with their worse. So many times he feared making the wrong choice and got pushed into stuff he didn't agree on or want to be doing. Once he spoke up he was the bad guy for having moral and standing up for his beliefs. He called them on their wrong doing it lead to these people he thought highly of hating him and treating him like he didn't matter or was one of the worse people you could ever know.
He saw friends like family because with his family denying who you are and sucking up to be accepted was not the life he wanted. He formed brother good with friends that would slander him or fake to his face. He was over these two faced individuals. He was straight forward honest all his life He got criticized eventually he stopped listening and caring what others thought because if they didn't help him or make him better their opinion didn't matter.
Infamous one Jan 31
He was a big dream he did lots of stuff now he's working a mind numbing 8 hour job that gave him weekends off. He didn't do much since he no longer cared to be social and the day he quit drinking so much changed. He was hurt that he saw the woman he loved be with another guy. It was the worse feeling. He wanted to feel the void so he drank. Eventually it wasn't fun and sobered up. He had a clear look on life focused seeing people different since he wanted to change. He didn't associate with most of the people around him since alcohol was no longer a factor.
He became selective since he had issues trusting since his so called best friend got with his crush. This was a hard pill to swallow as he got older he realized all the people, who wanted him to be some he was not. They couldn't live up to their own hype.
He was a huge fan of Deadpool he collected comics and liked to watch prowrestling. He was not shy about what he loved he refused to deny it and give up on what he loved. He would hang in his room with his two pet turtles. He would be more determined to be doing something doing much more break this routine. He did love his job greatful to be working never took things that mattered for granted.
He just wanted to do what he loved and be happy. He grew up poor and shared clothes with siblings he never wanted to live or go back to that life style. It made him more determined he didn't want to settle being the oldest he was an example and made an example of. each day he wakes up older wiser and definitely feeling time taking it's toll.
So many people in and out of his life some came caused chaos and left while others will always have a place in his life. He wasn't ready for marriage or kids because he had so much stuff he needed to do. He had goals and things he wanted to do that he never did before. He was willing to learn and adapt.
He liked to be challenged but everything felt like an uphill battle to be heard. He didn't like when others twisted his words. He did what he could because so many would deny or try to shut down his efforts. He use to be a rule breaker but with his job he was one who enforced them.
Infamous one Jan 30
He went to work and wanted to be left alone. They assumed he was mad and assumed he was mad or upset it would annoy him. He just wanted to get his work done not in the mood to socialize half the time he tried to mingle and got ignored. He always was in good spirit but didn't want to be settle asking where should he be or go if they wouldn't make him full time. He was hard working put in more effort than the hired on full timers. He was willing to make a difference he worked like he was a boss but not paid like one. He acted like an owner to his area and gave his all.
He always did what he loved and made work even when it wasn't. He didn't like cutting corners or half ass the job. He wasn't treated fair but he thought positive he would wake up everyday a new person a better person. He was scared to fail but he came up short. He kept saying tomorrow will be a better day. He was over the lies false promises where they did nothing with him but get his hopes up. He worried ready to walk away find something new so he could add more skills to his talents.
He didn't like to settle deep down he had this urge to break his routine try something new move onto a new chapter in his life. He tried so many things but have found a match. He felt it was right but got proved wrong. He hated being wrong so it was hard for him to make a move. He was more annoyed because when things went well he got no love or perks. If something went wrong everyone was quick to point that and hold that burden over his head thinking they had say or control over his actions.
Infamous one Jan 29
He spent the weekend watching prowrestling since he had no friends and not close with his siblings. He enjoyed the art form, the story telling, he got lost in entertainment. He wondered if he could make it in that world, he was in his late 30s trying to find his place in life.
He did train MMA but didn't have time because he had to earn a living. He did love to write it helped him sleep and come to terms at night. So many what ifs and if he could on his mind.  He trained but an injury kept him back a bad knee and tweaked back; did cause him limits as he got older, he learned to listen to his body. He wonder if he had it since he dug down deep to see if he had that potential.
He had been beaten in a street fight with a broken spirit and deflated ego. He had a hard time bouncing back building up his confidence and courage. He had been down so many people judged overlooked him. He was determined to prove them wrong.
Infamous one Jan 28
He was not good with others feelings so that made it hard for him to start over. Getting to know people is hard especially when everyone is sensitive or tries to twist his words. He had lost many friends because of a girl. He got along with everyone and was likeable. His friends had a crush but couldn't seal the deal. He accepted the girl on his friends behalf even though he could care less he just wanted his friend to be happy. They made him out to be the scapegoat because the girl they had interest in was not interested in them. He would be the middle man, his friend would hate him over a girl that he no longer associated with or he would befriend the girl losing his original over these failing events. He got tired of being blamed so he went away gave up his place because he didn't belong or like the pressure of others.
He never talked about anyone but everyone always had something to say about him when all he did was mind his business. He cared for his friends but they always got mad held a grudge. He got tired of caring the burdens of people who didn't care about him. He was only good for favors once that stopped everyone disappeared no where to be found. He made mistakes he not perfect nor did he claim to be. He learned if they didn't make him better or allow him to b happy and grow he didn't need them or care to associate with people who wanted him to give up part of himself to be liked or accepted.
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