I quit letting you steer my beautiful life,
causing this sort of internal strife
I quit letting you steal a memory from me,
having me escape for a moment selfishly
I quit letting you fester in my lungs
and defending you with my poisoned tongue
I quit letting you be my constant escape,
using you as a bandaid to heal my scrapes
I quit letting you be a part of me
because today and forever I am clean

This town has depleted my soul
nearing the point of no return
The single remedy to redeem my spirit
is to escape what I've known for so long;
the people
the places
the persistent memories-
I'm reminded of every breath this town takes from me
Existence is monochromatic here
and I'm ready to see the spectrum,
to look through the kaleidoscope
and see what life is really like
in the new light my eyes will never forget
that this town tried to hide from me

Fog filled the air
but the view was beautiful
The budding leaves were misted
by the delicately falling rain
The ground was soft beneath our feet
from winter's gradual thaw
soaking the dirt and grass
You stood at the edge, silently
admiring the frozen lake
A word was never exchanged
but so much was said
A new beginning for us both

The blackened mirror hangs on the wall
and whispers my name with a soft call
Like the wind, it rustles my brain,
its hauntingly familiar voice I distain
"Come and see what lies within,
what's bound to come and what's already been,
but when you look you can't forget,
'cause what is seen will then be set."
I shield my eyes in fear alone
'cause I don't want this set in stone
but hunger for truth boiled deep inside
and spilled across this body of mine
I saw the darkest part of you
and realized there's nothing I can do

Lately my mind has been
playing ***** tricks on me,
confusing what's been true and
what's occurred while in my dreams
I catch myself pondering
over all that's in my head
Did that really happen
or was I sound asleep in bed?
This notion truly frightens
my whole being to the core,
'cause what if my nightmares
become the life I must endure?

I have this constant feeling I'm eroding deep inside
like a tree, my branches are full of sweet and colorful life
but my core is slowly fading and I'm withering away
by the ants that have invaded and have claimed me as their prey
I'll bend with the wind and stand tall in the storm
until my trunk begins to be weakened and deformed
When I fall no one will hear my cry that's so profound
'cause no one is in sight, so I did not make a sound

Much of what you told me
was a lie
A lie you were willing to expose
with a risk
A risk of it being revealed with all of
it's invisible strings
That's not you
That's not the idol I used to
look up to
But truth always comes out
victorious
despite a lie's efforts to conquer
leaving the innocent and naïve
in complete confusion
The truth's cold breath brings
despair to life
*A life I thought I knew

Everything was fresh and new
in the beginning for both me and you
Our stories untold waiting to escape our lips
only scratching the surface, exposing the tip
of the glacier we call our whole being,
the rest hidden under black waters waiting to be seen
Our journey to the abyss has been dark and cold
Can we last one more minute without any hold
to the ground as we dive into the unknown,
searching for things that have not been shown?
Will you stay here with me underneath it all
to wait for something luminous to fall?

Your eyes locked with mine,
Shifting back and forth between each,
Trying to read me like a book,
But your concentration was breached.

As you slowly inched closer,
Like a wolf stalking its prey,
I went against my natural instinct
And decided I needed to stay.

You grabbed my arm and pulled me in,
Close enough to hear the cadence of your heart.
I felt my own and realized our drums
Were playing the same exact parts.

In that moment you kissed me,
Slow at first as if to feel every cell of mine.
As you gradually intensified your suggestive touch,
Our bodies began to intertwine.

Your moan reminded me of a growl,
And I was ready to see your teeth.
My skin yearn for more
Of what you were hiding underneath.

Your hands, soft to the touch, seemed to change,
As if they transformed into paws.
All I felt was the digging,
The digging of your protruding claws.

Because I was ready…
I was ready for the irresistible pain.
Because any feeling I get when I’m with you
Is a feeling I want to remain.

Drown me slowly
in Your pool of wisdom
so I may beg for one last breath
and cherish what I have been given

Ignorance has blurred my senses,
and I rely on the wicked for guidance
I have ignored Your presence
like the ghost who haunts my halls

Turn my chin to face You
so my eyes may see again
through this heavy, dark veil
I've been hiding behind

*…and see light once again

Follow me to a paradise not many have seen before
a kind that welcomes newcomers with its natural allure
Step through the iron gate with me, witness a scene like Arden
and feel the awe that comes with seeing my beloved secret garden
The vines will greet you as you enter, brushing your skin as you come
Blossoms will turn toward you as if you were as warm as the sun
Cacti will hunger and thirst for your kind and gentle touch
as if they've lived in the desert and it all became too much
But one must not relish in this beauty for too long
because anything abused past its use is just simply wrong
The vines will constrict you, you'll burn as hot as the sun
and suffer of constant ****** from the cacti you once loved
So, with this I warn you before you enter my piece of Eden
that this grace comes with a price as you begin to weaken

Apu used to tell me,
as storms would haunt the night,
that the lightning was from God's camera
taking a picture of all that He treasured
The thunder was the rolling film
ready for another capture
And the rain was from the angels
crying at how beautiful His creation was

As you fall to sleep you tend to lay
as if you'll be buried where you stay
Your back to your sheets, arms over your chest,
head heavy on your pillow as you seep into rest
I question if you're breathing, still hanging on
barely able to see your chest rise and then fall
But the moment you turn your head over toward me
my heart jumps at the thought of your eyes opening
I'll fall weak to your warm, resonating stare
and bury myself next to your body there

As I lay on my poorly-made bed,
listening to the angelic voice of Bon Iver,
admiring the words that dance out of his mouth
into my lonesome ears, I feel the waters
that consume my body settle
My heartbeat is steady
My body is still
My mind is at ease
This is the definition of satisfaction,
appreciating the subtleties of life
that make such an impact in a single moment

This world was built for one to be two
a pair that holds each other through
the winds of trouble and skies of delight,
to comfort as waves churn violently at night
And though the ship may stay afloat,
it's 'cause the two have been devote
to one another and their ship alike,
able to sail without a fright

Like an anchor in choppy waters
my heart is made of steel
and sinks to the bottom of
the sea of my emotions,
holding my whole being in place
until the waters are calm
and peace overwhelms me

With every inhale of smoke
comes every exhale of regret
My need for relief relies
on paper and tobacco
and I am chained
to their demands

I stand in front of you with a bouquet of brittle bones
that crumble in the grip of my trembling hands
and fall like grains of sand in an hour glass
One by one, they grace the floor by my feet
until I drown in all the broken yesterdays, sullen todays, and disheartening tomorrows--the love we once thought we knew

From the debris, I emerge naked and pure
like the Phoenix rises from its own ash;
creation from cremation
I look down to see those sad bones of mine
to find a hand in the midst, grasping for my own
Is it you or the previous version of myself--does it matter?

What the road contains is a mystery to a stranger
Stranger than the expectations created to tame her
Her wild soul alleviates the need for direction
Direction to a predetermined final location
Location is not what she aims for along this journey
This journey is all she needs to ease her fury
Her fury about how sheltered this world's become
Become a place of routine and forgotten love
Love of the unknown and unpredictable
Unpredictable series of moments that make us able
Able to create a path of our own
Own the chance to explore the cracks in the stone

You said you know the tales of cities,
traveled through each, big and small,
You've roamed the streets, felt the rush
and acquired a taste for it all
But the one you've overseen the most,
the one with history in its veins,
riddled with ancient relics and goods,
has a tale you have not obtained
Your efforts to expose this minute metropolis
to the doors inside of your mind
have failed thus far in your journey
because you've locked the key inside

Shouts and hollers in the streets
wished I was between the sheets,
uninvited words through lips
I surly did not want to kiss,
a gentle touch a bit too low
but gentle a face is proudly bestow,
those once loved in passing times
also claimed these parts of mine
to grab and shake as one may please
‘cause I had no authority,
power figures misused reign
told me I have none to gain,
“I gave you this, I gave you that,
I’ll tell you how to pay me back”

It’s all displayed, my big debut
with all these women I say, “me, too.”

Somber as black and pure as white,
two are one at the end of the night
The isle is walked, vows are said,
tears are dripping from everyone's head
Lace is delicate as the wind,
flowing effortlessly over her skin
He grazes her like a blooming field,
admires all that she has to yield,
but hidden behind that veil she wears
is something he cannot seem to bear
The face revealed is not the same
as the one he seems to claim
to love as long as he may breathe
and love even more while six feet deep
The face he sees is one obscured
by premonitions he's once heard
He turns to the left to walk alone,
the isle that's meant for two to roam;

He journeys on his own to realize what just occurred:
he flipped the veil to witness his face plastered onto hers

The clock strikes twelve, a new day has come
but this day is different because you are the one
who’s celebrated in all of today’s gushing glory;
a time to relish about your life’s beautiful story
that’s sculpted you into what you’ve become,
chiseled and molded your being into one
Twenty-seven years of labor in the making-
let’s praise such finery that life has been saving
So, the happiest of birthdays I wish to you
on this special day, through and through

I'm searching for it
in the cavity it's supposed to reside
I've torn your skin
opened your ribs
only to find it's missing
Your heart has traveled
to many places
Caressed the hands
of those you've loved
And each took a piece of it
like a delectable pastry
enjoying every bite they take
of what they've kept
What are you left with?
An empty hole in your chest
you've grown to live with
But, love, I will stay
and give you every piece of mine
until you feel whole again

It’s these memories that haunt us
remind, confine, and shape us
Love, faith, betrayal, and death
are all elements that have dug
a permanent grave in our
cognitive cemeteries,
six feet deep in those feelings
of despair and regret

And those memories make
their presence known,
clawing at the top of the coffin,
trying to escape the grips of
earth that surrounds
their holding place

And no matter how high
of a mound we pile on top of it,
rain and wind slowly withers away
our efforts of concealing
those demons of ours

Their pathetic cries
seep through the cracks,
reminding us
of our broken pasts.

But we must take this
as an opportunity of growth,
because the more we suppress
those pestering cries
that try to make us
retrace our steps
to that grave sight we swore
we would never visit again,
the easier it will be
to shed light on those
living things that give
us purpose in life

I gave all that I was to withhold what we created,
but nothing filled that clear glass of ours,
which we both secretly peered through
but ignored what was lingering on the other side
The reddest of wines could not cloud the vessel
to shield our eyes from our sad reality
nor stain it enough to conceal the denial we housed
Water was all that was poured into this goblet,
wishing it was made from precious crystals,
as an effort to cleanse what was
to prevent what inevitably is

Distance wedged between us
but we buried it down inside.
My heart questioned every move
but my thoughts were quickly denied.

Although things seemed to take a turn,
my hopes did not seem to heighten.
You brought up one thing but meant another
and my stomach surely tightened.

You spoke what you have not been able to,
giving breath to every sharp word.
Each one penetrated my goose-bumped skin
but left a sensation unheard.

To each word you spoke I defended myself
even when I knew I was wrong.
As time passed by and the cloud of anger rose
I realized your intentions all along.

My love, you are a special breed,
the one I much adore.
You helped me see through all the haze
and I could not love you more.

Time has changed our beings and the miles tore apart
the bond that we once had pulsing through our youthful hearts,
And though I have not witnessed flesh of yours until this year,
you still felt just as familiar as the days I hold so dear
The memories of childhood are slowly trickling back
The span of when we gave no cares and treaded our own track,
And all of this I want to share and relive one more time,
to prove that all these miles we have conquered don't define
But life has placed its hands in the middle of our path
and cradled you away before I had the chance to say, "At last"

Let's go and make the unconscious known,
shed everlasting light on what's been shown
to our hungry eyes and thirsting limbs
exposed to so much, but getting lost within
What we see is not what we see,
but what is remembered can be perceived
So take the time to actually look
and let go of the advantage that we all took
Experience the wrinkles and cracks in the bark
Crouch to the footprints one left to embark
Describe the budding petal breaking through
the soil in which led it to you
Listen to the rustling of the fox
and feel comfort of this conscious lock

I wake to the heaviness of your arm
cradling me like a delicate bird,
tending to my wounded wings
making me feel like I can fly without them

I open my eyes to see the sunlight
peering through the shielding curtains
waiting to be pried wide open
so I can greet the day with my raw self

I hear the gliding of paws eagerly prancing
over each step of the stairway
strutting into our room to appease the curiosity,
her tail dancing to each step she takes

I taste the sensation of night's last,
the memory rushing to my head
as I graze my tongue over what's left of you
and my body basks in the sweetness of it all

I smell the summer air sneaking through the screen
grazing over my salt-coated skin
filling my lungs with infinite life,
each exhale soaked with relief

I feel the purring of content,
the steady breathing of heavy dreams,
and the love radiating from each
as I slowly drift back to sleep

As I lay in bed, swimming in a sea of darkness
my body remains still like the air.
I think of everything that could falter
and I'm left with a feeling of despair.
My stomach turns, my body shakes
and I can't escape this feeling.
Anxiety has made a home in my head
and covered the path of healing.

Cigarettes filled
the void in our lungs
until we filled that place
with each other,
dependent on something
full of life
instead of something
that fills us with death

With every decision I have made
and every scenario I've ever played
you were there in some shape or form
and I wish I did not include you in more

My naïve youth led me to believe
that you were the most important thing to me
But the poison you possess finally seeped out
and I took a sip of it without any doubt

The poison made me sick without my awareness
altered my spirit, my soul, my mind, and my kindness
You balanced me on your hand, slightly tilting back and forth
to watch me struggle until I finally hit the earth

How ignorant and foolish I was back then
to think that your love was deeper than other men
Your attraction to me was merely through your eyes
and you bothered not to see what was hiding in my mind

But for all of this I must thank you in some sort of way
as morbid as a thought like that can be portrayed
because I hit rock bottom not too long ago
so the only way to move is up, which is where I shall go

My heart always forgives
but my mind never forgets
The past and the present
are filed inside my head
so I can refer to them
in the imminent future
just incase my heart
gets lost in a suitor

Driving down the highway to a place that's not in mind,
late at night, I've lost the sun and all concept of time
The clock strikes twelve, a new days comes, but the past still flashes by,
I cruise through stills of yesterdays, the film strip becomes my guide
All of those I used to know come grace my passenger seat
One by one they visit, tell a tale, leave, repeat
Insanity is all that I can think of to explain
These moments can't be real, perhaps a product from my brain,
But oh, how real these flashes are, almost to the touch,
which makes me realize all that I am missing way too much
I'll never speak to what I've seen that's packed in the canister
And never will they be exposed by developer and fixer

These words I speak don't have much weight
like smoke, they float and dissipate
and I can't reach to save each one
to give them to you one by one
I'll conjure new ones in my head
to let them swim until I'm dead,
and only then will they have girth
because my body gives new birth
to life that grows above my grave
and takes your smokey words away

Words like sand, I've choked on each
decide my mouth is where I'll keep
those sentences I dare not say
'cause I don't want to anyway
There's something deep that's holding back
the sense of what I think I lack
that's making me feel stuck in skin
walls that I'm not truly in
I question who I am in here
and what I see inside my mirror
Is this what I've worked so hard for
to settle into nothing more
than what I know and not the chance
to learn new trades, to make my stance
If so, then I shall not drink wine
to cleanse this scratching throat of mine
'cause there's no point to speak aloud
when all I've done is settled down

With melodies floating through our lonesome hearts,
we created a symphony the day your lips touched mine
The cadence of our songs intertwined like roots in the soil,
and bloomed into a beautiful composure of strings
Moments of intensity and passion sung by the brass
and solemn woes whispered by the woodwinds
all lead by the percussion's constant beat
When I stop to listen to the song that we nurtured
I can't hear a single note or rhythm
because my heart has stopped a thousand times
from your ability to smile with your eyes
your comforting embrace wrapped around mine
or your endless wonder I can't contain
and I have to remember how to breathe once more
to hear our symphony play what my heart couldn't

Melodies flutter from her throat
as her mouth moves in slow motion
Her gaze never breaks,
she's singing directly to me
I start to mouth words I don't know
Hypnotized by pictures in my head
My god, I swear I'm dead

You are the decadent wine I crave
dark as blood but savory of taste
I took one small, curious sip
and drowned in the sweetness of your grip

You are the mirror I refuse to see
reflect all that truly embodies me
even if I shy away from a glance
you make me want to take that chance

You are the words that flow from my head
out of my soul, straight through to my pen
a muse that truly inspires my art
just by slowly opening your heart

I know you now as I perceive
what stands before my eyes to see
but when the sun and moon switched places
I woke to unfamiliar faces
Each door I opened, a new world breached
I tried my hardest not to weep
I've met you nearly a dozen times
and never will I call you mine
'cause all my trials came closer to
the world that feels like a dream with you
but never has one felt like home
I'm wide awake inside this dome
sleep gives nothing more to gain
a blackhole living inside my brain

All is well and all is good
at least I think it all should
but time comes and time goes
and leaves me feeling heavy woes

A forgotten memory, remembered
A lost moment, found

We think that we can all escape
but we merely mask our thoughts with drapes
No matter the reason or the rhyme
everything is exposed by Father Time

Pull us apart
we have a decadent center
melting strands between us
but I've felt the snap
of a tug too hard
Our roots are truly intertwined
like our legs under the sheets
goosebumps invade my skin,
the sheets are gone
and you've disappeared
like sand between my fingers
all I have is the warmth of your ghost
and the stale smell of your cologne
on the pillow--
like a drug, I let it consume my senses
and I drown in the illusion
to see you again

My teeth fell out
Stress
My mind wandered to you
Anger
I lost someone close
Fear
I woke up
*Relief

A few nights ago I dreamt of you
and woke up soaked in sweat
The confusion of dream and reality
haunted every pore of my body
I questioned why you appeared
in a place I thought I knew so well
My sheets no longer hugged my mattress
My covers were tousled and knotted,
a metaphor for how my life used to be
*One huge mess