Am I really
So easy to forget?
Do you think
That I'm a ghost?
Do you think
That I wouldn't notice?

I'm actually okay with this
I'm use to it
I've felt myself fading away
For months
I'm disappearing

I understand how
I can't stand to look at
Myself for more than
A minute.
So how could you?

Be careful what you say, Be careful what you do
Because what you do unto them will be done unto you.
It's not just a tear, it's not just a scratch. Because noone will see the loosening patch.
A smile, a laugh can't we just leave it at that?
A choke, a cry why did we have to say goodbye?
Drowning, bawling.. It felt like we were falling.
But we wait for the gain to come from our pain.
We wish, we miss.
When comes the bliss?

It's funny
How a simple black line,
A pigmented powder,
And a plastic line glued to my eyelid
Can make me feel pretty
Makes me feel presentable
It makes me feel like I'm worth something

But even so-
It's false.
Synthetic.
It's all a lie.

Oh how I wish I could stop lying.

Use the map
That's printed on my body
If you want to find me
If you want to know ME
If you want to know my feelings
Follow the map

Follow the signs
And the trails etched on my being
The marks or construction,
And the marks of destruction.
Follow the map that snakes up my legs
And across my hips
Follow the map to find my soul.

I've always kept this parachute.
This protective layer surrounding me.
Catching me as I fall, and keeping me safe from harm.

But now there's you-
Every minute we spend together pokes a hole in my parachute.
Each hole representing such a happy memory.
A poke for every laugh
For every soft word whispered
For every time I watched your eyes crinkle with that cute smile of yours.

So many holes- my parachute is starting to fail me.
I'm going defenseless.
You're destroying that protective layer.
I'm going into a free fall-

It's the most thrilling ride of all
And I could not be happier.

It's funny to think about-
Every time you lay down and close your eyes, you risk the chance of not waking up. 
Every time you get into your car and drive, you risk the chance of not coming home. 

We are constantly gambling with our own lives, and we don't even realize it. 

Because the truth is- the only thing that is indefinitely deadly, is life itself.

The results of the MRI came back
Absolutely nothing
Again
We still don't know what's wrong with my knee
The blood test results came back
All were negative
We still don't now whats wrong with my stomach

Thousands of dollars just gone
If I hadn't been so weak
If I had just ****** it up and delt with the pain
I don't eat anyways.. So that takes care of my stomach
All I am is a financial burden to my parents
If I left things would be so much better
My mom wouldn't have to worry about whether I had eaten
She wouldn't have to worry about the pain
She wouldn't have to worry
It'd be gone
It would leave with me
I'd be gone
Gone like everything else.
Goodbye,
    I'm gone

You said you didn't want to lose me
That you wouldn't know what to do

But you certainly knew how to say
"I don't love you anymore" and you knew how to walk away.

When I'm upset about something, I walk
I'll walk a mile or two until I find a swing set
There's a swing set in my backyard- but being that close to everything is not what I want
I want to be where I normally wouldn't be
Some place where people will not know me, and in Utah if you go a mile you're in a whole new area with hundreds of new faces
It didn't occur to me why I always wound up on a swing set, my initial intent was to only walk
Today I realized it
When you feel so weighed down by your worries and troubles, nothing feels better than that split second of weightlessness at the peak of each swing
In that moment nothing else matters
You can look up at the sky and know that you're not alone, nor are your burdens always as heavy as they were in the moments before

When I was little I use to get sick a lot
I would sleep sitting up, or on the tile in the bathroom.
I would cry for my mom in the night as my stomach rids itself of the food I had eaten that day.

When I was little I use to stand in front of the mirror
I would turn from side to side, stand on my toes and **** in
I would cry to my mom, I thought I was fat. She told me I had a wide rib cage and I cried harder because that meant there was no hope.

When I was a little older I use to watch what I ate at lunch
I would sit with my boyfriend and his friends, I covered my mouth after each bite.
I would always be sure to leave food on my plate, and I never got sweets when I sat with them.
I would cry to myself- I thought for sure they were judging me by my plate

Now, I still stand in front of the mirror with tears streaming down my cheeks
I never eat breakfast or lunch, and I eat half my dinner.
I no longer cry for my mom when I rid myself of any food I have eaten-
instead I pray that she can't hear.

It's my Birthday today.
I'm Turning 17.
The same age that you had been frozen at.
It's so incredibly unfair...
You didn't have enough time.
I don't feel old.
I don't feel wise.
I don't feel like I'm one year away from being an adult.
And I certainly don't feel old enough to die.

So much hate surrounds us.
At school.
At work.
In the home.
Sometimes it even comes from strangers.

But sometimes it comes from inside.
It swallows your being.
Growing like a mold in your mind.
It takes over.
Consumes you.
Until one day
One day
You've had enough-

I once read that one cannot gain cold
But that there can only be an absence of heat

This make sense to me since I'm always cold
But those around me can feel heat radiating from me

Maybe this is how emotions work as well,
There is no sadness- just absence of happiness

This proves that you can be so cold on the inside
Yet somehow be so warm and bright on the outside.

You can think of light this way.
There is no darkness- just absence of light.

It can also be said that
There is no hatred- just an absence of love.

This is what I am
I have been for quite sometime
Lost
But aren't we all, really?
We try to find ourselves
Like hide and seek
And some truly treat it like a game
Like a gamble
We are here to find ourselves
Aren't we?
Should we treat it like a child's game?
Perhaps not

Everyone wants to be found
But no one wants to be lost
You can not find a toy, unless you lose it first
That's what we need to understand
Maybe being lost isn't all that bad
We just need to be patient
Then we can be *found

For as long as I can remember-
This is where I've lived.
I've never moved.
This house, this room has always been mine.
My mother has always slept on the other side of the wall.
Then why, at two in the morning, do I find myself wishing to go home?
Why do I repeat "I want to go home." over and over.
Tears stream down my cheeks, etching patterns and trails.
Creating a map for me to follow.
But where will it lead me?

Sometimes I look down at my hands and I realize that I do not know who is controlling them. I do not feel like I'm me, when I look in the mirror there's always a voice in the back of my head convincing me that what I am seeing is not really there, that I am not in fact the being staring back at me. My hands are not my hands, my legs are not my legs, and my face isn't my face. It's like I'm living, but through someone else. But I don't want to be someone else anymore, I want to be me. But who am I?

Hold my hand when we walk or put your arm around my shoulder
2. Surprise me with random kisses
3. Stay up late with me and tell me your secrets
4. Tell me your fears and your heartbreaks
5. Watch the stars with me
6. Pay attention to when I'm quiet, ask questions
7. Please.. ask questions
8. If something is bothering you- tell me. We'll work it out
9. When you see something that worries you, bring it to me
10. When I'm acting childish just laugh with me
11. When we're fighting and I'm pacing the room with my hands shaking as they clasp each other trying to find something to say hidden in my skin- hold your hands around mine and pull me to your chest. Hold my head and tell me it's going to be okay
12. Just hold me when I cry and stroke my back let the ocean drain and then you can ask questions about what the salty water was covering
13. When I'm looking at my hands again, searching for those **** words that have to be hidden between my fingers lift my chin so I'm looking at you. Sometimes the only way to get me to talk is to force it out of me- refuse to leave until we're done, until you know I'm okay.
14. Coffee will always fix a bad day, but remember what time it is and how caffeine affects me.
15. When we're standing in the kitchen and your favorite song starts playing pull me to you and dance with me. Twirl me around and rest your hand around my waist.
16. Sing to me. Play for me. Show me your talents.  
17. Remember how easily I get chilled
18. Remember that I will make so many mistakes it'll make you crazy but you just have to stick it out with me and I swear I will fix things
19. When you say you love me.. Dear god please mean it. Mean every syllable. Mean it like the breath leaving your lungs is the last you'll have.
20. Know that when I say that I love you, I mean it with every fiber of my being.

People pleasers
I am one
Always have been
It's a selfless
Yet selfish
Mind set
I only want others
To be happy
I want people
To be happy
But when will I
Realize..
I AM people
I deserve happiness

Not tonight I suppose..

Two weeks ago I got in an accident while mountain biking. I broke my collar bone and fractured my sternum. Abrasions covered my back, my hip had a puncture wound that turned into a hematoma and was swollen 2inches (I couldn't wear pants for a full week). I hit the ground with such force that air was forced out of my lungs and into the sack around my heart. I spent 18 hours in the ICU and three more days in the hospital after.

A long time ago I crashed. I crashed after you left. My ribs were caving in and making it hurt to breath, my cheeks burned, I swore to god my heart was never going to be okay again. The pain in my chest was incredible. The worst pain I have ever felt was when you left.

I flew over my handle bars two weeks ago and rolled down the mountain and still your absence hurts me more.

I feel like I'm a weight on others around me,
yet my head feels so light.

I can't seem to talk to anyone about it,
but that doesn't stop the inner banter.

It's no wonder I get headaches,
there's so mush chaos.

Contradicting thoughts crashing into one another,
causing vibrations to ring though my skull.

Lights dance and my blood rushes to my muscles,
but I can't move.

Sisters are eternal best friends. They are suppose to love each other through thick and thin.

Sometimes a sister is the only person you feel like you can talk to.
Other times, shes the reason you can't talk to anyone.
They are suppose to be the person that you can trust most.
Sometimes they are the ones who take your ability to trust.
They're the only one that can make you laugh when you're ready to cry.
Or maybe they're the only ones that can make you cry.

It doesn't matter to me, what kind of sister you are. You could hate me- cut me off- not speak to me for years

But the second you need me- I'll be right there.
I'll always come back to you.

Have you ever wondered how total silence would feel?
Would you feel at peace?
Would you feel suspended in space?
Or would you simply go mad with only your thoughts echoing?

Imagine a room with no distinct color, no smell, no sound.
What would you hear?

It's not like you wake up one day

     and you suddenly hate every inch.

It happens gradually
    
     an inch at a time.

I remember where mine started

    and how it grew like wild fire.

Until it consumed me
  
     an inch at a time.

I need you
                 Like a book needs punctuation
I need you
                 Like a best friend in isolation
I need you
                 Like a song needs a beat
I need you
                 Like a runner without feet
I need you
                 Like a forest needs rain
I need you
                 Like a window without a glass pane

They say your first heart break will be the worst,

but they didn't warn me about how bad it gets after the third heartbreak from that same love.

Tv shows
Movies
Commercials
They all make fun of mental illnesses.

Anorexia is not a funny teenage boy that can be cured with Jesus shaped pancakes.

I wonder,
How awful must it be to be a danilion?
They are so hated when alive.
People poison them.
Cut them down.
Throw them out.

I wonder,
How awful must it be to think that the only way you could bring a smile, was by dying?

Maybe this is me lashing out
In a way I never could
I can't yell or scream
I can't hurt you
So I hurt myself

I do something that I wouldn't do
I don't want to be me anymore
Maybe that's why
But now all of this is going down
And everyone's freaking out

They want to send me away
Lock me up. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad
I wouldn't have to be me
I could be anyone
"Hello, my name's Jane Doe."

At the mention of your name I am thrown into such sadness.

Memories hit me like a brick wall and I am flattened.

I need to get you off my mind.
Off my lips.
I can still taste your mouth
as if we just kissed.

It's funny that something that could **** you
Something that probably will **** you
Can be so comforting

It's the one reliable thing you have
It's easy to fall into the patterns again
It's easy to hide it (to a point, but by that time you're too far gone)

Because it feels so good
To have your body disintegrate
To have your head swim and hands shake
It's better then the alternative, at least

I don't want to feel like I'm losing myself
But that may be the only way to go
Until my bones, my veins, they show
Because the alternative is **too dangerous

I want to know the course that the rivers beneath your skin take

I want to know the valleys in your heart and how deep they go

I want to know the canyons in your bones and who put them there

I want to know who's initials are carved into your mind

and the memories that they can no longer call "mine"

I can't take a full breath in, it feels like there's a weight on my chest.
A cinder block, with our initials inside a heart, etched onto the side.

My thoughts are an angry ocean and I've been tossed out to sea.
I'm drowning.
Lord calm them, please.

And it's sad that someone who once held my heart

Now strikes fear into it

My body that use to shake with laughter
            now shakes with fear.

I didn't use to double check to see if the doors were locked up tight at night.

But now I'm terrified that you'll come knocking when the alcohol kicks in.

No more are the sweet phone calls filled with slurred "I love you"s at 2am.

Angry words have become their replacement.

I never thought you could hurt me, but I couldn't have ever imagined that you could have cheated on me.

You were always so scary when you were mad. So quick to hit anything close.

I don't know what you're capable of anymore.

If life is a dream, then you are my nightmare.
And I can't. Wake. Up.

I forgot how intoxicating your smell is.

I forgot how beautiful you make me feel.

Love is giving someone permission to hurt you and trusting that they won't

You pull me back just to push me out again.
You broke me for a fourth time.
I don't know how you put it back together every time, but you do.
I trust you again and again.

Why do I keep taking the same road when I know it's riddled with *** holes and dead ends?

Mental* monsters that rule our minds. They whisper, taunt, and cry. Never leaving a moment of peace in ourselves. We put our happy thoughts up on a shelf. Protection. In hopes of resurrection. Mental monsters turn to silver. Hard cold and clever. Step on one and she will show you. Now she's all you'll listen to. Take another in your hands. Give him a stage so he can dance.
He'll leave reminders of the metal monsters everywhere...

And now we're all scared.

It's 2am.
I am sitting in the middle of my bedroom
on the ground
alone.
I'm just starring out my window.
Watching the moon drift softly across the sky,
the outline blurred through my sheer black curtains.  
I'm listening to the cricket's soft cry.
And I'm letting myself drift away with the moon.
Let me die.. Let me die.

Two broken people picking up the pieces
Trying to make each other whole with shards of their own glass
Attempting to make something beautiful
And daring to call it *love