I have rose petals in a jar
From a time I'd like to forget.
Tears stained red
Monsters in my bed
Broken down beauties
Locked in an airtight tomb
With clear walls
Forced to witness every heartbreak
And every sleepless night
How I wish I could stow it away
Leave it in a box on the top shelf
Of an old dusty closet
To remain there in perpetuity
But I could not bring myself
To rid of these darling petals
Though they’re from a time I’d like to forget
They serve as a grim reminder
Never to return to the hell-hole
Which I crawled out of
With jar-in-hand.

Because I still remember him
Because I can see him
In all of his glory
His touch still fresh
His hand imprinted on my thigh
Because I remember how he smells
And I remember how he felt
Because when he woke up
At six in the morning
Cuddled up on the bed
As I stood in the doorway
Tired from a sleepless night
And I smiled as he did for me
Because his hair was messy
But his skin was so warm
Because all touches
So early in the morning
Sent shivers through my body
Because I'll never be able
To forget his face
Or the way his arms felt
Around me
Imprinted in my
Pretty little brain
For all of eternity.

Your eyes were like cherry wine
I was so eagerly Devine
I knew we were meant to be

You look my way and then it hit me
You absolutely positively
Knew I would fall eventually

And though I tried I could never please
Your greedy eyes saw nothing but a
Deer in the headlights

And in my head I knew I was
In danger I didn't leave because
Your bullets only made me feel numb.

Dear future lover,
Please be kind.
Touch with only the softest hands
For I've felt the worst.
Please don't be impatient
I may be difficult at times.
I will feel lost without you
For I loathe being lonesome.
Please be gentle with me
Don't pull on my petals.
A smile in its rarest form
Belongs to you and only you.
Please, future lover,
Be faithful to me alone.
I've felt the sting of betrayal once
And I am afraid.
Please never doubt my love
For you're always on my mind.
Never doubt that I dream of you
Each and every night.
Please, future lover,
Give and you shall receive.
I would wake at any hour
To soothe any agony.
Never fear my help, dear
We all have our nights.
Never doubt that I understand
And I won't doubt your frights.
And please, don't ignore me
Just tell me when you're hurting.
I would help in every way
I'd never be a burden.
Finally, future lover,
Know your arms are my home.
And though you may be far
Never let me sleep alone.

The ideal beauty
Do we not have guidelines?
Different strokes for different folks
They appear to be well made
Built upons a solid foundation
In a world where everything done is judged
All relatively similar
All completely different
Admired from a distance
Please do not touch the art!
Violations and fees
Are we not beings?
So beautifully made
All works of art
Different definitions of such
Are they real?
Are we?
Some well recognized
Others independent
All beautiful regardless
Their eyes peer into our souls
“Why are they looking at us like that?”
Quoth the painting.

Awoken with butterfly kisses
And the humming of your hands
Warm air warming our hearts
Tempting our mouths to smile
A curl of toes
A mind of woes
Escape into the sea
The cool air blows through our hair
A salty symphony
The sun shining through the leaves
And through our blinds once more
Spring has blossomed to a new
As waves crash on the shore
Arms around my narrow waist
Pulling me out of bed
Your tired eyes connect with mine
A kiss on my forehead
A relaxing day
Our toes in the sand
Iced coffee in hand
The bees will buzz
The birds will chirp
An overall pleasant mood
Summer’s never felt so good.

6:37 pm
Grabbing hands unwelcomed
Pinching my bones with your claws
Digging deeper and deeper into my flesh
Sap on my skin
Pine needles in my hair
An unwanted accessory
Thudding against the dirt
Pain striking my spine
His voice echoing still
He’s all I hear now
His ravenous eyes
His ****** fangs
Cry and cry as I will
Nobody will hear
As my ****** lungs tire
And my body imprints the dirt
I’m left to the wolves
Left to be feasted upon
And I cast a shadow on this man
Iron-pressed collars
Twiddling thumbs
What questions were asked?

Did she lead him on?
What was she wearing?
Is there any evidence?
Why didn’t she say something sooner?
If a girl screams alone in a forest,
Did she make a sound?

Snapping twigs like snapping bones
A silent silence that silences all
Almost unreal, almost too still
A different planet, maybe.
But as she drew nearer
Wide-eyed and weary
Early on this bitter morn
She was alone once more.
Fawn-less now, unattended
Even stag, if you will
Yearning for her child still
But hey, a wolf’s gotta eat.
Another meal for another beast
She walks along, breaking bones
Scenery just as grey as the sky
A shiny lense catches her wide eye.
It witnessed every last detail
Every gruesome cry and wail
Will they enjoy this tragedy?
She doubts it.
As of late, the hunting ended
But she hopes they will learn
That after she’s hunted by guns
She’s hunted by fangs.

Your simple melody
A soothing serenity
Your notes dig into me
A beautiful symphony
I can feel my walls crumble
And you smile on and on
Your hand in mine like a glove
Letting me feel happiness once more
And though I'm broken
You're almost glue
Put the pieces together
One rainy afternoon
To make me and you
A little something new
And I smile between sobs
Because I beat the odds
Surviving the worst
Every single curse
And your journey ends
I guess it just depends
How happy you will be
And how you’ll make amends
You'll take me in your arms
And put me back together
And every time I see our sun
I'll remember your warmth
Though my heart aches
I'll be okay because
You'll be okay
And I float on your words
As you sing me to sleep
And it hurts so very much
And I'm hot to the touch
And every time you see our sun
You'll remember my skin
Burnt and blistered
Though I'm content.

Though I sit here stagnant
I dream of things
Thing that are so real
Things that crack the foundation
Break your mother’s back for me
Energy surging through my fingertips
Every movement fueled by you
I’m running on fumes
Running from you
Running from your words and your eyes
They follow me no longer
I will run for new
New arms new home
New life away from you
This demon holds me down
Digging his nails in my skin
It is you.
I’ll get away, just you see
I don’t need you anymore
But you need me
You need my attention
You need me to need you
I don’t need you.
And though I sit here stagnant
I dream of things.

Cry your eyes out, dear
Mix into puddles and streams
Shaking with fear and
Crushing the ground beneath your feet.
Scream your lungs out, dear
Yell for he who hurt you
Tear into his flesh with your teeth
Have no mercy.
Hide no longer, dear
Walk our streets without fear
Keep your head held high
But keep your eyes down.

How I wish I could forget.
Your smell, your taste
The way it felt to be
Wrapped in your warmth
I remember your laugh
And my hands in yours
And it’s a happy memory!
Until-
I remember your grin
Your yelling and your rage
Walking on eggshells was better
Than walking across broken glass
Slam the door on my fingers
Bite me, drawing blood
Later I get stitches.
And if the good were
To balance the bad
Maybe we would have worked!
But in all reality
You can’t trust a man
That bangs his head against
The wall.

Through the morning fog
I couldn’t make out your face
An eerie silhouette, facing me
snap
snap
Twigs under your feet
Shivers up my spine with each step
closer
closer
Come nearer, dear
Vague is the memory
But it haunts me still
Your breath against the chilling air
An outline, moving but not approaching

oh.

To my dismay, you were walking
In the other direction.

Something came over me
My body surged with electricity
I could feel the wind wrapping itself around me
Why does no soul understand
Jumping into icy water
Thousands of needles piercing my skin
A rush
No soul understands
The rain washed over the beach
And turned our lives to wet sand
Crumbling in our hands, beneath our feet
Why is the unknown so terrifying?
Why do I want to know the unknown?
Impossible.
Why would you make her cry?
Tears and tears of rage
How could you just leave?
A field of dead flowers
For us.

I’m going to be okay.
I can feel energy
Surging through my fingertips
Your words pour over me
Like a beautiful thunderstorm
Every touch a crack of lightning
Followed by the low rumble of your wandering hands
Enveloped in a sensation too beautiful to describe
I screamed at the top of my lungs
And you screamed, too
Dancing in the rain we created
Crumbling under the hail.

I can feel my heart sink.
The low hum of my piano keys
Setting the mood for a heartfelt ballad
Yet I am alone.
The ringing is all I hear at night
All I hear when they say your name
My fingers ache from playing the same song
But god, I miss the melody dearly.

If people were colors, he'd be gold
A shimmering metal so bright and bold
Much brighter than the jewelry sold
The luster increases each day tenfold

If people were colors, she would be gray
Like a cold morning or a cloudy day
And if she were to see him today
She'd fade all of his brightness away

I wonder what you think about
What beautiful thoughts pass through your mind
As you enter a state of almost serenity
And my palms sweat with every smile
You're beautiful and I'm just dirt
Mud on the bottom of your shoe
A smile that could shed light
In even the darkest of rooms
I think about what you think of at night
What you think of each morn
My stomach drops at your sight
So foolish, my beauty nonexistent
I see a girl not good enough
Nowhere near worthy
Just the shadow you cast
So I keep a comfortable distance
And try to imagine
How the Earth feels every day
When greeted by the sun.

You can't tell me I'll be better
When you've never felt how I do
When you've never held the world in your hands
Only to drop it, watching in slow motion
As it shatters on the ground
And you feel your stomach drop
And you heart stops beating
How do I go on?
How do I pretend I'm okay
When in reality I cry
Just thinking about everything that went wrong
And how do I go on when
Your memory haunts me still
And I cry myself to sleep at night
As your name slips off my tongue
I yearn to cut it off but
Everyone says I'll taste another
What if I don't like my tastebuds anymore?
I can feel my throat swelling shut
But I do not panic
I sit as I let the reaction take over me
And you wonder why I couldn't just move on
Because you didn't realize the pain
I put myself in
In the first place.
My words taste bitter on my tongue
How I wish to cut it off.

When does it stop being
My fault?
When I'm falling behind
Failing tests
Struggling to breathe at night
Staring down a mountain of work
Calling in sick because the whole thing
Drove me to a mental breakdown
When does it stop being
My fault?
When I'm staring out my window
And the sun is shining but
I can't bring myself to smile
And it's hard to bring myself
To get out of bed in the morning
Because my shoulders are too heavy
And my chest is so tight
When does it stop being
My fault?
Drawing flowers on my arm
Because if I don't keep my hand
Busy with a marker
It'll start getting busy
With something much sharper
As I carve your words into me
Hiding every tear and every fear
With a broken smile
It will never stop being
My fault.

I don't understand the concept
Of shaming someone for speaking
About their problems simply because someone else’s could be bigger

Why would one walk up
To a depressed woman with
Cuts on her wrist and say,
“You shouldn't be complaining,
My friend killed herself.”

Why on earth would telling someone
That their burdens aren't justified
Because they aren't heavy enough to
Fit society’s sympathy scale
Bring you any form of joy?

For the love of GOD, I'd never
Walk up to a teenage boy
And say, “You should be ashamed of yourself
There are kids starving in Africa but THEY DON’T CUT THEIR WRISTS.”

People often suffer in silence
Though they're being eaten alive
Because they think their demons
Aren't monstrous enough for sympathy

I can count on two hands
All of the times I've been told
“You should be grateful
That you don't have it worse”

My problems
Shouldn't be justified
Based on how severe I'm
Hurting.

Everyone has a different definition
Of “falling apart”
And if you kept yours to yourself
Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid

Afraid to let people know
That I'm often not okay
But I'm afraid to hear someone
Tell me “it could be worse”

Because if I feel like I constantly
Wish I could sleep for a decade
It doesn't matter if
Someone else seems more distressed

I'm so tired of mental illness
Being a contest of who has it worse
Because it affects everyone
In different ways

I don't care if she may
Have it worse than I
Because I still find it hard
To get out of bed in the morning

And I really wish
Coming clean about your struggles
Didn't turn into a game of
“Who has it worse?”.

Silky kisses
Painted jars
Hits and misses
Dimming stars

Angry yelling
Warming hugs
Story telling
Coffee mugs

Doubtful glares
Cigarette butts
Burned out flares
Paper cuts

Hot air
Lost ties
A worn out affair
A somber goodbye.

Clench me by the throat
And throw me down to hell
Maybe that’s where I belong
‘Cause I ain’t doing well

Your words dig into me like knives
But I’ve got many scars
Beat me ******, beat me bruised
And take me to the stars

Dig your nails into my spine
Then tell me it’s for love
Tell me I’m your entire world
Then crush my mourning dove

Tell me I was your beautiful rose
But I pricked you with a thorn
Tell me I was your shimmering stars
Then leave my petals torn

Chew me up then spit me out
Because we could never fit
But when I find a new shimmering sun
You’ll feel like absolute ****.

I don’t really mind
the rain
The pitter patter calms
Yes, you may
soak thereafter
But clothes can be
dried
The same goes for your eyes
Go ahead
and cry your heart out
I won’t mind.

Drown me in the river
Don’t let me make a sound
Swamp me with beauty
And put me in the ground
Bullets could never hurt
If they came from you
So hold my hand, darling
And heal my fatal wounds
You’re the only one I’d let hurt me
You’re the only one I’d let fix me
Darling, you’re the one I want
To put me in the ground

Break my heart, it’s easier this way

I spend a lot of my time
Chasing a world of make believe
Why live in a cruel world
When you can settle on a nice cloud
Or fly to a happier place?
For the life of me I’ll never understand
Why people allow others to
Treat them so poorly when
They only deserve the best
Why walk across glass
When you could float above the clouds?
Every slap is the softest silk
Every tear is sugar
Nobody wishes to be alone
But being alone
Is better than being afraid
Because fear is very very real
And not the good kind

Lie to me straight to my face
Lie my clothes off lie my legs open
Lie your way into me and watch as the lies roll off your tongue and on to mine
And I take them in without question because trust is what I believed we actually had
But truth and lies don't hold hands and neither do we
Your hands in mine but your hands in hers
Your hands touching me lying to me
Your hands spreading your filth and your guilt
You grab me with these same hands the same hands that formulated the lies spewing from your mouth
Spewing like toxins released I'm gagging on your words
The fumes choke me endlessly I struggle to breathe
You laugh because it's funny, I'm gullible
Or do I just trust too much I trust your sinful lips
Sinful hands sinful teeth hissing promises
Promises you know you can't keep yet you promise promise away
Promises I believe promises I believe you can keep
Promises that enter my bloodstream enter my wounds
They poison me I slowly unravel but your promises keep me breathing
Until they unravel into themselves and you forget why you lied in the first place and you
LEAVE

You leave.
And you poison another you poison her lungs
They bleed they bleed for you as mine did
But now my heart fills with gasoline
A fire too strong to put out it ignites still
With every beat flame arises I melt my insides I'm melting

Lies roll off your tongue and on to mine
I can taste you still.

Fluffy white lullabies
Cotton candy in the sky
Pastel pinks and baby blues
Fields of flowers, pick and choose.
Silky tears on my cheek
Cold water in the creek
Dark skies with a full moon
Don’t worry love, I’ll be gone soon!
Empty pill jar on the floor
Throw up roses, more and more
Cry with every passing thorn
Wheezing while your lungs are torn.
Pasty skin, purple veins
Fighting off the hunger pains
Counting every single rib
Wipe the bleach off of your bib.
Blankly staring at the wall
As every last leaf will fall
Nothing wrong but nothing right
Sit and think of every fight.
Every sin drips from your lips
Shivers through your fingertips
Bleeding everytime you cry
Down a little cyanide.
Haven’t slept for centuries
Smashing the piano keys
Letting out a heavy sigh
Turn your cheek and say goodbye.

We live in a world
Where a size ten model
Is considered
“Plus Size”.

A world where women
Are prudes for wearing too much clothing
And ****** for not wearing
Enough.

A world where men
Are afraid to talk of their abusers
Because they’re afraid of being
Laughed at.

A world where the color
Of your skin makes you
A criminal, or a
Terrorist.

A world where your
Mental illness is only sympathized
If it’s a genetic
Disorder.

A world where women
Are criticized for wanting to
Be able to control their own
Bodies.

And a world where
Nobody cares about your suffering
Until you’re already
Dead.

My scream to you is only a whisper
Why bother when all you do is hit her
Your mama says you’re in trouble, mister
That’s no way to treat a lady!

Baby, what’s the duct tape for?
What of this rope you bought at the store?
That better not be what I think it’s for
That’s no way to treat a lady!

I’m not in the mood for a hit
Not to be battered or bit
Baby, you’re so full of ****
That’s no way to treat a lady!

An accident? She’s dead!
And your palms are stained crimson red
And I can see her body under your bed!
That’s no way to treat a lady.

Flowers planted after dark
Just as you wished, you left your mark
Doesn’t matter how loud I bark
That’s just how you treat your lady.

There she lies, under the ground
Unable to be seen, not to be found
The gardener won’t even make a sound
She knows that’s how you treat your lady.

Dig up the roots, there she lies
Bones broken at the ties
Skull crushed, her demise
We’ve found your lady!

Flowers growing from her bones
Dug out by mindless drones
Results of your uncontrolled hormones
We’ve found your lady.

You were “busy last night”, weren’t you?
While I was bleeding
Shaking
Bruising
Aching.
You were busy, yes?
Busy with what?
Drinking
Smoking
Crashing
Choking?
And while you were “busy”
I was falling
Crying
Crawling
Dying.
But you need your freedom, yes?
You with your yelling
Dancing
Stomping
Glancing...


Who was that you saw?


You said you were sick last night, yes?
Or were you just-
Cheating
*******
Biting
*******?
So while you take your final drink
Just know I'm not as
Dumb as
You would
Think.

The fog creeps
Quietly over each
Tomb
The clouds covered
Our moon
Tonight, we are
Different
Wet leaves stick
To our skin, we dance
Softly over the
Dead
Jagged teeth
Bring the untimely
Demise
Of a child
We have become
Different
Knots on knots of
Rope
Hang from each
Rotting branch
New victims bring
A gift each night
You will never find
Someone that cares
For you more than
I do.

Bottles and bottles
That’s what it takes for your love
Hit me if you must
You’re all I need.

If it must be dark
For us to speak
By God, it will be
I’m good for you.

I will never disturb you
I refuse to admit
That I would have already left
If you weren’t so hard to quit.

Blow out each candle
Your party is over now, babe
Wrapping paper walls
What a mess!
Your hourglass shattered
Time has run out!
No need to cry,
It’s just spilled milk!

Why is your doll grinning?
Does she know something?
Something I can’t find?
Be quiet darling, your father’s coming
Forgotten but certainly not gone!
If he breaks the walls down
We will build more!
Candy houses need less repair
Simply frost our pieces together!
Nobody remembers us, anyway
We’ve been gone for years now
Just drink your tea, baby
Don’t listen to this man.

You can scream loud like a siren
Just wait until he leaves!
Put on your dress and be a good girl
Don’t make eye contact
Smile!
Hide your wrist, baby
Don’t let the man see
We’ll play once he leaves
Just down more syrup
And you’ll slumber soon
Say hello to daddy’s ****
She’s here for a bit, not long though
Just be nice to her, baby
I know she’s all plastic
And I know he reeks of gin
Just try to smile, baby
They’re only here for a while.
We’ll be gone soon!
Just eat your cake.

You’re thinking too loud, please
Quiet down just a bit
I can hear the snow fall
I can’t hear myself screaming
The fire warms all but my toes
All I wish for is eternal slumber
But your nectar keeps me conscious
Your touch gives me life
Sleep, my love
So I may rest as well
Wake without me tomorrow
But only because we ran out of sugar

As I lay in bed
The soft humming of the fan
Lulling me into a weary slumber
I reach to you
My skin connecting with
Your loving hands
You drowsily put your arm around me,
Still half asleep,
And gently pull me into your chest
Your warmth envelops me
Every touch gives me butterflies
The same as when we first met
I sink into you
You run your fingers through my hair
And gently kiss my forehead
I can feel myself slowly
Becoming better with every soft breath
The light is dull through the shades
And I can feel myself unwinding
You break down my walls
Your skin is so soft against mine
Though I’ve got scars upon scars
You seem to heal me
And with every touch I’m blooming
My petals are frail, as you know
But even with all of your strength
You hold me without worry
Your heart, gentle only for me
And while you are dozing off
Into a beautiful slumber
I’ll think about how warm you are
And how your breathing gives me peace
And I will thank every star
For bringing us together
And when you wake
Please have no doubt
That when you ask me what I dreamed of
I will say I dreamed of you
Because you are my beautiful dream
From which I never wish to wake
For that would be
True heartbreak.

Skin red as berries
Dry to the touch
Blistered and burned
I wince as the pain
Envelops my entire being
An envious lust
She must know that
I’ve found a new sun
A punishment if she must
Learn to share me
Jealous of my love
For you, she cries
And burns my skin as
Payback.
I smile though hurt
Because this envy
Brings me a
Feeling of
Greed.

She screamed until her lungs were
Bleeding. Her eyes dry and ******
Her frail bones cracked
And her heavy heart
Sank.
A pebble in her pool of tears
Shallow still for
The sun takes the bulk
While a small sadness
Lingers.
And she dreamed of a
Better place
Where the skies were
Clear and the air
Was still.
But no joy
No happiness or hope
Could stop her
Hurricane.