The frost still hasn’t gone,
Binding one down,
A frozen tundra that constantly surrounds
These joints and these aches
Floating like smoke over piano keys,
The song plays no more.
It’s stagnant and dry.
They say summer is nigh,
But life is not of a cycle.
Born in Spring, we never see Spring again.
Only the natural concede,
The rest cease to breathe.
For many death brings new life,
For conscious thinking,
Life brings new death,
Over and over.
What to do but wait?
We can’t leave a mark as it is.
And those that do leave scars.
Healed overnight,
And ignored as reminders,
Instead as glory.
Competing for injustice,
Whose is the worst of all.

Everyone is moving forward.
I'm being left behind.
In here. In my head.
I haven't accomplished ****.
I feel like I make decisions because it looks like the right thing to do.
It is what everyone else does.
I do what everyone wants because I literally don't know how to do what I want.

What I want always ****** things up.
How I lived was always wrong.
I don't even know how to make decisions.
Do I even want to?
I just stay status quo.
I'm boring and wandering around empty and dead.
I'm a shell.
There isn't anything worth anything inside.
If there was, I'd have let it out already.
I have nothing to offer myself.
I appease everyone else.

We all spend time hurting ourselves.
We just differ on how we let it show.
It's unfair that physical pain equals emotional.
But, it also feels the best.
Life is one big analysis of reflecting on why it's not so bad.
In order to not give up on all we have, Maybe letting go is the only way.
Maybe caring for oneself is the way to sway
everyone's opinions.
Which are **** anyway.

We are at the mercy of the city, they said.
Trapped and bound, it wasn’t pretty.
We are the kids who have accomplished nothing.
The kids who lived too fast.
The kids who didn’t live at all.
Wanting to be something, facing the fall.

Laughing in the face of darkness.
Pretending to do our jobs while they drop pennies.
Here and there, bounding everywhere.
Facing the end of the map,
Opportunities landing everywhere but our laps.

Then the lights come on, at the game’s end.
The charade is over, no time left to pretend.
Pretend to be grown, happy, and alone.
Together in this land of the infinite unknown.
Cliche’d and replayed and lost in the many quotas.
Not enough going on anymore to really take note of.

My thoughts are always wrong.
Rehearsing things to say so long
that I'll never respond.
Too hard to take my time.
Too quick to jump this gun.
Fixating on all the most inappropriate fascinations.
Holding tongues on all the worst occasions.

Let's play a good old fashioned game of Russian Roulette.
Rushing to do all the things we'll regret.
And forgetting all those words we pretend to believe.
I'll always have one more deception up my sleeve.

That might just be the old me.

You are a treat for the senses.
Beautiful as the reflection of the sun on a glistening lake.
Soft as the petals you pressed in your journals.
Sweet as the honey on your fingertips - taste and smell.
Gentle as the whisper of the breeze on a frosty winter morning, biting at you as it passes you by.
Still as the time that doesn't move when you're breathing.
Deep as the casket in your heart.
Dark as your time alone at the start of your last day on Earth - captured in the photos you took of yourself.
To round back to your everlasting beauty.

Forcing these thoughts like clay through a spout.

Flagrant doubt as to the success of your recent suffering.

It isn't like it used to be. Nothing is like it used to be.

Lost inspiration in happiness - dragging out words like animal carcass.

No immortal flow - no ingenious drawl - blathering rants disguised in colorful diction.

Dissatisfaction in all nonfiction - creativity only thriving on dysfunction.

Functionality is ruining your beauty.

You were better when you were useless.

Unending. Pulsating. Degrading displacing discomfort on frozen ice beds of memories.

Fearful. Tearfully regretting the times you didn't say what you wanted to say.

Pretend the end isn't drawing near, threatening all that is dear to the imperfect balance that borders insanity.

Vanity. Crazed apologetics forcing your hand in your somber attempt at a grand gesture.

Enticing forgiveness overdone by the willingness to forgetting innocent Mistakes.

The fading grace you fake to seem okay hidden beyond hindsight and letting go of your right to love.

Stop loving.

You are the freshly aged petals on the page.

Pressed first up against a cheek or two and dried to last forever.

Transcending all stages of beauty and living long after withering.

Your soul extends beyond the softness in your texture - the sweet scent of all your cracking gestures.

You cannot change the closing of the day - the frosty creeks still rush to all your heart does say.

You have plucked the petals from your budding heart and we pick them up to keep as art, because your flailing is a performance.

Your movements are enticing, you sway to all desire, the sounds murmured by your coarse crying voice inspire.

The beauty is in your entire existence.

You watch and wait for time to take all that it can from inside your soul.

It's wasted, the money you spent on time, you could have paid half to indulge on the mere portion of life you've tasted.

This earth, we've gradually graced it - and meaninglessly traced it - in books and photos and missed the memo reminding us to live.

The moment you chose to give up that argument - and all the energy you spent on settling for loving.

These blues and grays sometimes consume the days in which you could be laughing.

Lost in the echo of the static cracking of the voice maintained in quivering.

The shivering of the cold beyond the false control of everyone who has it together.

When problems weigh that of a feather.

How do I know if I can trust myself now?

Always bringing myself back down to earth,
Because I've been wrong before.

But, I forget to remember to be careful.
I might be too full of myself.
Then too down on myself.
It might be all about me.

Maybe I don't know anything else.

Always torn between capturing the moment and living it.

Giving it all - anything to have my best friend back. Hopeless.

Very few things will make a person feel hopeless.
You can choose to cope.
You can choose to hide.
You can choose to mask it in anger.

Hide the face in shame you fought for.

Running one way and not back and forth.

I will stay behind. Forget all you've left inside. Roadside on this road-trip where we split up.

Family first - friends forever - finding paths - to tear and sever.

Really mastering your separation - guided by your degradation.

Falling fast into that hole.
Shovel in hand - you forget to know -

Beating your back for blackened souls.

Staying charred - beaten and marred.

Cannot pretend forever if you're not breathing.

Fail this life in faith and trust.
Fear and lust - keep your life just as it is - you'll see how quickly you will rust.

I'm sorry - but, I'm not.

Tonight you looked me in the eyes and terrified me.
Telling me this is who you were after over two years and I had never even seen this person.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
You're trying to scare me away and I'm getting *******. How little can I really be loved? Because this feels utterly minimal.
I'm supposed to take this information and just deal with it or leave...
I'm ******* nothing to you. It's obviously become quite clear. Worthless and useless to you.
I'm ******* alone in a room with you. Not nearly enough.
**** trying to exist, I could ******* **** myself after this.
I am so lost. And you couldn't care any less. I'm glad you're okay. Or that you would be okay without me.
You once told me you wouldn't play mind games.
You made me grow up fast, now you're the one playing. And I can't even compete.
I should just quit. What the **** does it mean for who I am? I am nothing.
Pathetic.
I just wish it was all over for me. Never for you. You'd be fine. Relieved even. I would be dead and gone.
And it'd be worth it to see you better.
******* hell. Whatever.

I like it best when I look least like myself.
What am I doing here?
Waiting. Life is one big waiting game. I guess.
I am really fighting the urge.
This undying urge to *****.
To ***** everything up and be done with it.
My stomach throbbing.
So through with sobbing.
So done with hearing all these thoughts.
Everyone's thoughts but yours.
I want to be a slash on your wall.
A stain on your sheets.
You don't give a ring to someone with the mentality that another is out there.
I've fallen victim to a juvenile prank.
The fault in the thought process of today's youth.  
Playing with emotions and love like it's nothing.
Everyone has a weak heart.
Except the one I Iove.
So hard and cold he turns me stone.
And laughs at me to better the jest.
Feeling a lot like it may have been better to have never loved at all.
Maybe someone else holds the key.
The key to my being happy.
I've been happier on my worst days.
We're at about the point of no return.
And there's no sign of your love in sight.
I'm on the path to becoming someone you won't like at all.
Time to start making everyone want to save me, again.
Everyone but you, because what could you do, anyways, to save me?
You get paid to write songs about love.
And you don't know how to love at all.
I'm on the warpath down your heart.
I shouldn't have fallen for you from the start.
Now I'm stuck.
Alone. But with you.
I never get anything I want.
Let me define my desire's complexity:
An "I love you" first.
A kiss without requests.
Cuddles when you're conscious.
Conversation without inconvenience.
Answers without malice and sarcasm.
How about a smile?
An indication I'm actually wanted.
Maybe you're comfortable pretending to love me but I'm not comfortable pretending to be stupid...
I wish I were arrogant and oblivious.
I'm already annoying as it is.
I'd be happier if you just told me you hate me.
"Will you stop ******* asking me if I'm okay when I go to the bathroom!"
Sorry I care you've been sick.
Sorry I asked a couple times since you've been ill. Sorry I'm even here.
And I'm about to be real sorry when I leave.
I'm feeling abused. And beaten.
Crying this much is a sin.
You clearly find me worthless and despicable.
"I dare you to find someone who treats you as good as I do."
Oh, awesome. I deserve jack-****.
I'm ******* tired of being punished. For existing. Everyone condemns me for existing.
I want to **** myself in the most horrid way and lay all the blame in your direction. Their direction. Everyone's.
I'm already dead inside anyway.
And you're full of ****.

Do I deserve any of the things I want?
Because, you could've fooled me.
Slowly being reminded of why I was who I used to be.
You can force someone to love you how you want them to,
Or how they did at first,
Or in the way they should've.
This is why, when, and where I want to do everything I could've.
Before you.
Thank you for trapping me in this hell.
Thank you for pretending to be something you're not.
Getting me.
Then tricking me into tying the knot.
I don't like begging to be wanted.
I deserve to feel beautiful all the time.
I'd expect, at minimum, you reciprocate all I do for you.
I give 8, you give 2.
Ten whole minutes of wasted breath.
My love for you is ignored.
Your love towards me is empty.
This is enough to make me want to cry.
Enough to make me wish I'd die.
I'm dead inside.
Your heartless, cold, distant nature will take over me as well,
And you will turn me into the bad guy.
Ignoring all you've done to instigate and break my heart.
You're just incapable of doing wrong.  

(Keep snapping at me, and being mean, and biting the hand that attempts nothing but pleasing you. Every minute of everyday. And I can't even get a genuine kiss. Nothing. This is why I feel I deserve nothing).

You've left me all alone in the same room as you.
And it's colder than the loneliest winter evening.
I can't stand to be here.
Unwanted.

I may go sit outside. With the spiders that weave.
You're not my inspiration today, as pretty as you may be.
Lies laced inside and out, in between each other they play.
Heart strings to strum on and everlasting beats to serve my day.
I turn my headphones up so that I can stay out of your mind for once and live in mine.
It has been decades since I've spent a moment in here, cobwebs and spinners cover every spine.
All the spines to the books I haven't written.
Nothing to write tonight while you're so smitten.

I'm afraid the hope in your eyes is too overwhelming.
That spot next to you is always so welcoming.
The goosebumps on your skin tell me too much.
This average life we lead is putting me under.
The sensations you cause me rush like thunder.

I want you to stop. I can't focus when you put so much heart into what you're doing.
You're voice over powers mine and...
Itching like crazy, I'm thinking just maybe, this is way too much for me.

I don't know how to say no. It's impossible to say no when I'm following you wherever you go.
I don't mean to turn you off.
All I do is mix things up.
You're crying for my hand, I can't give it up.
Keep playing hard, just try to call my bluff.

How am I to take care of you,
Take care of us,
When you live life in such a rush.

I can't fix myself and your addiction,
It just adds on to my affliction.
And I'm the only one who cares.
The only one who stares
Truth in the face.
I'm done putting your desires in place.

Tonight you looked me in the eye,
And told me to accept some lie,
To listen to your sad escape,
And expect me to accept this fate.
I am dying in your sad attempt
To forget your weakness and leave you exempt,
From consequence.
And I'm expected to love you.
Expected to just trudge through
This mess.

I'm so angry I could just explode,
Concern myself with how you erode
And let yourself burst up into flame.
While I stand still alone to blame.
This is why I cannot leave,
Alone and lost, left to believe
This garbage you call love and honesty.

In death I find my truth and peace,
I can't erase this life I lease.
But I'm **** near cause and effect,
This cause your pain, deflect
The rest.
I would but nought to die before
This life you let fly and to soar,
To my defeat and this weak roar.
I'll **** myself to flee the poor
And sick excuse you call a lie,
Into those clouds I wish to fly.

You're selfish.
My anguish.

I'd bring to death those you call trust
And sacrifice this pathetic lust.
In the corner of the bathroom stall,
Fighting this fight against your brick wall.
You told me to accept who you are,
But this young man is far too far
From who I once loved and believed.
I'm done being beaten and deceived.

I would **** for you.
This truth may be the only brew
I'll let you have again.

Somedays I know I care more than you.
Someways I hate how much I love too.
One day I may just leave you behind,
Some days I think I'm losing my mind.
Sometimes you treat me like a trophy.
A fight to obtain but now too easy.
Those days you come home and refuse to speak,
But I never stop talking, showing my heart is weak.
The little things are now no more.
My little things must be a bore.
I know I don't make you most happy.
I know you think I'm far too sappy.
You never tell me I've done something wrong,
Either way, it becomes clear I don't belong.
I just wish that our love was the same,
Instead, I'm alone in this "love me" game.
Maybe I am too high maintenance,
Been broken down to your complacence.
Perhaps some things don't get better with age.
I'll make my role "the" role on stage.
This stage is life.
Make performance of strife.
Win academy awards
Out of backstabbing words.
But shine with that smile,
Always go the extra mile.
Even if your love you won't show,
Mine will always be something you know.
And with or without you, it'll grow.
I'll clearly never stop begging for your undivided attention.
Forever chained between a Heaven and Hell suspension.

(Girl) When you sing to me
Its too easy to see
Your voice gets me high
Can you let out that sigh and just sing for me?
Will you sing to me?

(Same tempo follows)
2. (Boy) When I sing to you
I see right through
The stars in your eyes
-- its not easy to spy what you want from me.
Tell me what you want from me.

(Change tempo)
3. Its not right for a boy
Who gets what he wants
To be alone in this world
Just so totally lost.
If you could lead me astray
(Guy) For just one day
No, for just one nighttttt ("night" sang together.)

4. (Together) I'll find... a way to uplift this cloud
Just to remove this doubt
And bring you back here now
(Girl) I know (Boy - I know...) (end together) its too hard to say
(Boy) What you'll need another day
(Girl) And what you want today.

(Follow tempo of verse 3.)
5. (Boy) Its too bad for this girl
To sing here tonight
To smell her scent on the air
To see her tears as she cries
I want to make her alright
(Girl) I need you tonight
(Slight overlap)(Boy) Meet me just for tonight?

6. (Together) We'll find... a way to lift up these clouds
A way to remove this doubt.
And stay here together now.
(Boy) Now I know... (Girl - I know...) (end together) what I need to say
(Girl) I know what I want today
Know that we need to stay.

7.(Tempo of 3 and 5)
(Together) Lets just stay here tonight
If only tonight
(Girl) Will you just turn out the light
(Boy ) I'll guess I'll turn out the light.
Because I know what you've got
You've got my heart in a box
(Girl) I need the key to your lock
(Slight overlap)(Boy) You take whatever you want.

8. (Tempo of 1 and 2)
(Girl) When you sang to me
I knew you could see
Your voice got me high
I need to feel this high now, forever
(Together) Lets sing for forever.
(Slow tempo even more)
(Boy) I'll sing to you
I love what you do
You keep me alive
I'll do no less than strive for forever.

I got engaged this winter.
Yeah, in vegas!
I've already started planning.
Spring wedding. A-line strapless sweetheart dress. Tanning!
Eggshell with dark blue accents.
Wildflowers and wedding showers?!


No.


Not everyone that gets engaged is Susie homemaker in rage mode.
Oh, here we go. I know
What you're thinking.
"She's only 22, she's in college, she's too young."
Please, save your pity.
I am most assuredly doing me.
I'm so tired of these stereotypes.
Giving engagements all this negative hype.
I see it all the time.
I'm also 22.
No, Taylor swift, not like you.
I'm doing it differently.
My life is also a party.
But
I too am living, only, my way.
I did get engaged.
And guess what, life's not over.
Not shortened, not stunted, not a bore.
I just don't feel the need to get trashed and go *****
Around.
Stereotypically college-like, of course.
You're problem is you think it's old fashioned.
Engaged?
"Oh, **** forget about passion."
It's trendy to think that.
Well, you don't know jack.
I haven't changed a wink.
I don't stand at the kitchen sink,
And cook. Or clean.
I do those things. But I'm OCD.
I'm not going to stop being me.
And a real man doesn't expect that.
This ring, and after,
He's still the same,
Our existence is full of laughter.
It's not sexist to fall in love.
It's sexist to think it is.
It's ******* you judge me for being.
The only difference in my life?
Is he shares my strife.
I'm sprung.
It's not old fashioned to get engaged young.
It's old fashioned to think engagements are like they used to be.
I have a permanent drinking buddy.
And we do drugs.
We share hugs.
And we have ***. A lot.
With video games in between.
Nope, when the ring came out that didn't stop.
This ring is not a ball and chain,
And that's what's wrong with your brain.
You think it's all about him?
I have to live my life on his whim?
I have to check my phone and "he better answer me," 24/7 of quality,
Time.
Nope, that's just you and your ex.
My guy, he expects
Nothing new.
Do I look like a house wife?
The last thing this has done is ruin my life.
I'm in school, I have a job, I have a goal.
I'm not playing some tired old role.
And my life rules because he supports it.
What are you ******* at me for? I don't owe you ****.
Much less an explanation.
Can I live?
He's got the world to give.
And I'm taking that,
On top of everything else I've got going.
And my momentum's not slowing
Because I experienced something beautiful in front of the Nike of Samothrace at Caesar's Palace.
The difference between you and me
Isn't that you're more free.
I've got someone who wouldn't change me and who doesn't want me tamed.
Have you EVER been able to say the same?
But... maybe you all disagree.
Maybe now I don't really know me.
I only know one thing,
And that's that I'm happy.

Listen
To the songs that don't **** you off
But calm your soul.
So where do we go
And recall where to pick up where we left off
There may not be enough to remind you what matters
But keep the show together for good looks
Since that is all that matters
Then the sounds you may eventually feel will mean nothing
And when I say feel
I mean hear
Because it won't mean a thing when you're deserving more than you feel in emotions.
Now we must let go whats holding on
Because after that we will fall apart
And search in vain for things that hold true
Against those that feel good.
****

This
Might be an entire year of bitter writing
If I can't get over myself, what do I have.
That wasn't a question.
Memories float in and out of existence.
While every song I love plays on high.
Without capability of telling lies,
I'm forced into a childhood I never lived
But always loved.
And I'll go on for days.
Pen and paper aren't my ways.
I'm out of conventional trials and my best friends in denial.
Maybe it's all in my head
Beyond what's alive and dead.

I watch everything up and down.
Don't remember which ways mean a frown.
I'll make your day if you'd both let me.
Am I allowed to make the choices all inside.
I can't pretend it doesn't exist. But I'll tell the boy next door about it.

He listens when I want to cry.
Forgetting about the life I gave him in lies.
He's still all for my life
And I forget his strife
Everytime I remember he exists.

I can write for the rest of my time.
But nothing represents another without rhyme.
And I can drink again
Watch your friend eat everything.
****.
I love this song.

Now nothing can go wrong
And I'll write all I say
Miss you

Nothing wrong with two ways.
Remember all the good days.

I know you don't forget my pockets.
Which represents all the lockets
Of the songs and hair I showed you
But follows a rhythm unrelated to my life

But my life is boring.
Follow the next guy

And sway to the rhythm of your own song
As I've lost track of my track and that's okay.

It's one step at a time angel. No one can handle this on their own. It  
made no sense when it all happened. But now we'll never know. Let's  
pretend it was a dream. Please, for me, just let it be. It'll make a  
world of difference if you and me had never been.

I just won't sleep again for us. Awake I'll always stay, to lie in  
thought of everything, of every broken scene. The night when you and I  
had made our pact to always take, to always take the chance it took to  
make it through each day. And we headed for forever, without a glance  
from anyone. We headed for eternity with no purpose but to run.

Our hands a lock no one could break, our hearts, they would beat  
together. A rhythm that could not be tamed in any stormy weather. We  
walked through wind and rain and heat. The pain we hit could not be  
beat. I lost my way, my grip was weak, unknowingly my pace increased.  
I made one fatal move, a move that caused our fire to cease.

You never gave up anything, you never let it go. You turned yourself  
inside out because I changed your soul. You fought hard in a losing  
game because you fought alone. I broke you down and picked us up and  
lost it to her moan. She did you right but still you stayed the dark  
one you had grown. Now hearts that sink into this ocean must be made  
of stone.

I haven't forgotten how it felt to know who you once were. To be so  
young and anxious for the love that quickly burned. And now I'll end  
this love note with one thought that you will spurn. I may have fallen  
for your games but you will never learn that everyone has seen in you  
my heart you won't return.

If this is what's in store
I'm not interested in anything
you're selling.
I'd rather be alone and
hurting myself than
try anymore.
One sided **** that doesn't make a difference
Guess you gotta be a part

of the group or cease to exist
at all.
I'll have another beer
and forget I was ever here.
I'd let my connections to
the outside world die
rather than use them to reach
you any longer.

If you call reaching my
efforts of getting your attention
and your letting me fall into
this nothing and bottle.

Jesus Christ, keep dancing
You've got the attention,
just not mine.

Congratulations, you're very near
destruction and,
I hope you lead us there.

In a dark room with NO
curtains
I can see you
Beg for unique capabilities,
I'm tired of it.
and you'll be thanked when
judged because you're just
so different.

Sorry I took your note cards
while you were busy forgetting I
had a place in the
world.
I was busy trying to leave a trace.
To follow home
because this place
*****.
-- I was going to leave these for
-- you to find
-- But, *******
-- Get out of my mind.
-- On second thought,
I'm actually really good.

The eyes will see what the heart desires
if the mind wills it so. It inspires;
his rage, her innocence.
And up the stairs he'll race; still to her hearts pace,
and frozen in time.
For what she wanted was not that with which
she gave away. She gave way as his prey.

And numbly he took his heart's whole take;
and led on her mind. The fake;
his strength, her frailty.
And through the oceans he would travel, to this her body's grace,
and lost in waves.
For the path he took was not how she envisioned
its ending. Their pendulum on a string.

She never peacefully passes on, though he does fairly quickly,
for she let him; without a care;
his victory, her despair.
And quietly walking she leaves, the grave site still in view,
and time will quake.
For even if she holds her head still high, her death
she will not strive. Whereas he, was never really alive.

His strength he imposed, left marks on her
head and heart. In vain;'
his gain, her pain.
And the lesser she'd open her eyes, the faster time passes,
and over its been.
For now she lets herself go, keeping herself closed
unto life. The insincerity clung to her strife.

I lie to myself for the resonance of others.
What matters to you means little to me.

Fairly sob mothers, I've watched all my life.
I work against the powers of the arrows,
-potions, serums, and drugs.

I live for myself internally.
and please what is necessary externally.

No one desires the muck from which the rose grows best,
but they desire the rose regardless.

I wish to pick all the flowers that sprout
and water them forever more without the
wilting of others.

I only possess so much water.
I conform by farming the less.

I tend to one to make it the most beautiful.
Often it is against my nature.

I'll never know the life of a great grower
but in creating one thing acceptable,
I am fine.

It entered into our lungs,
it left them just as soon.
Long enough to quell our thoughts
like the sun precedes the moon.

We watched her come aboard.
We saw them all from high.
That's when it all began,
quicker than we would sigh.

One after another
the story repeated.
We gazed in amazement,
unable to keep seated.

She came again and ended,
herself before our eyes.
The screams themselves had blended,
un-deaf to all her cries.

It blew our senses open,
stunted in fascination.
We started to enjoy her,
we started to enjoy.
There was another her.

A tweet outside controls my focus
repetitive and continuous.
I grit my teeth.
It stops and makes me anxious,
I wish it to come back.
Odd birds to fight
with me.
Fly away and leave me be.
Machinery outside, the bird, it changes form.
Construction of a noise,
It remains unconcerned.

Get over it.
You are.
And that’s just too bad isn’t it?
Good for you, you, you.
Just can’t wait to see what’s next.
Just can’t wait to see what matters to you more.
You going to keep getting upset?
Because I’m going to keep getting irritated.
And consuming all that makes me forget that you’re unhappy.
Don’t care.
At least I won’t if I keep telling myself that I won’t.
I don’t care if it takes forever.
And it doesn’t matter how much I don’t understand at the moment.
Because I understand it now.
And it doesn’t matter how much you love the lyrics or the fact that they are lyrics in themselves. They mean something concerning the moment.
And you said you’re faking until the morning.
And the music cannot be loud enough.
Nothing drowns out the fact that I know the truth.
The neighbors do too, and that is why I won’t turn down the music.
But I could go all night, I’ve done it before,
When someone else has failed me, because guess what? Everyone does. I can have a relationship and believe in it or I can have something I fake, but whatever I have is opposite of whatever the victim feels.
So tell me what you think you feel and I’ll tell you that on principle alone that you are wrong and indifferent.
***** to be you.
But I can sit here all day and keep going.
Because it has been so wrong,
And without metaphors everything is said instead of implied.
And I am tired of lying anymore.
Guess I don’t believe in what is going on anymore.
Let’s get hypothetical,
Then nothing seems as serious,
And I can lie about it in the morning, just as you do.
Maybe I imagine everything that goes on and I have no idea.
Maybe you’re an idea, and you don’t really exist.
I think I don’t really care.
I’ll wake up and spend my life pretending,
And it will feel great,
Because since you think that I am just a mess,
I can show you what I am really hiding by not actually showing you in any symbolic or secretive way.
It’s too bad you act like you care,
Because in turn you will act hurt.
But thankfully I’ll know different.
And feel no regret when I’m done with this.

Rainbows sit high
Imagination glides down their backs
and it scars hearts
after reaching a high, nothing matches that
Missing something now.
The paint, it trickles down and melts eyes
its canvas pain, it paints it gray.

To my fickle sea.
Poking holes in wishes you receive
The colors of the bay, they float away
Black and White is an infinite abyss
Lose yourself in the grace of it.
No in between,
just keep your eyes wide
you'll see nothing.
The sand at your feet
The glass and rocks that glaze the earth,
always find a way to cut their grace.
Don't pray too hard for me.

Search through your garden
the size of a thumbtack
the flowers rise over your head.
Trees of candy cane sprout before your eyes
You can't see what another sees,
no one to know what you know.

Taking a step inside an orchids stem
and tip-toeing down through the veins of its petals
the purple and gold
they all bleed through your mind.
Form and shape the world which you dance along,
thoughts of blowing breezes send your thoughts along their way
into this endless sea.

Watch the lines write themselves into darkened corners.
The bright and shining sun could change your world.
Swirling and spiraling staircases send you downwards without a thought,
no stopping the whirl-pool once your slipping under.
An octopus would take you in
and with every one of his eight arms he caresses your pain away
showing real effort in his cause

those who impress, settle at unrest

Watch as the berries erupt and bloom
crawl along the lines
mazes of blue
and red know there is no way to succeed.
Watch as the bumblebees sneeze with their noses covered in yellow dreams.
they pack it in with their toes in teams

A great glass lake, to skate along
the ripples
She falls along each crease,
stumbling and tumbling between each droplet.

The clouds fly high above her head,
they gaze upon her flowing gown.
They cry sad tears when they see her eyes
drowning her futures in their skies,
flowing and crashing and thrashing.

With an umbrella, float away
above the days when everything
turned out wrong.

The great glass lake serves true,
until you skip the rock of inferiority along its reflection.
The shatter will fly all about.
That is the point at which it ends
Everything you know is then contradicted and compromised
Your own description shattered

Stones drop from high heights
out of clouds with heavy hearts
waiting to smash this dream.

Great glass lake shines on.

Hit the bottom hard,
hit the bottom hard you will
to where those pills once filled its full capacity.
Drink it down with a shot of dismay and curiosity.
Look round
and watch the sadness consume.
Don't the walls talk when they get like this?

Step outside and breathe
the Autumn air,
hate for caring, forget that it happened.
Watch the stars switch around.
Let this be as your sign, you've taken too much.
Tonight, you should forget where you hid those pills inside you.
I may be here,
but I should be there with you.

And sad she's been.

and drinking in the new year has everything seemed like it would fit into place... but fit in it does not, a square hole fitting a sphere shaped piece...

attempting the new does the old fit in better than anything, and happy nowhere does she fit in, and drink does she more...

but the more she sips the poison, does the toxin fill her lungs and more often than not does the feeling of unease take over her body... and simply the many that call her amazing really mean terrible...

but know little that they mean terrible, and the few that read terrible, know simply the  tears that fall are more simple and complete than anything felt before, and every feeling felt before is unknown and foreign to those who think they are aware, but are really oblivious.

always does the rain fall on those who ask for it, don't be sad and wish it didn't happen, because the truth that lies is what really exists and the new year brings in nothing but good hopes and wishes. maybe he should sleep.

and ask for that does she not, she wishes the truth would surface, because then would the sun break through and the light be seen by many, and make all the pieces fall into place, and everyone would read the story much more easily in the light than in the dark of her thoughts and maybe then will her soul not feel so heavy but light.

and always will she feel better if everything the alcohol keeps inside would stay inside, and the years past would not exsist and everything would fade away and the rain would it wash away everything...

and pretend all that occurred didn't, and innocent she would remain instead of everything stolen from her heart would she remain happy, instead of ruined and just another pawn in life's game of chess instead of a piece of a game that can ruin others...

and always ruin will she because she deserves death but isn't strong enough to give, because if strong enough to give would everyone serve time and deal debt instead of tears filling cups, and woes filling life, and pain filling strife... maybe then would the debt be repaid but no...

the heart still beats with unknown determinations... if the truth of it all showed would the heart truthfully give up and let the truth give in... whereas the life would be lost and no one would question it...

Old fashioned girls with indifference in their eyes.
a will to be different.
a desire to be unique, but an emptiness fit for the farthest reaches of space.
a pathetic excuse for an individual are you.
the exact copy to that of a ghost of nothing... vain fantasy, as inconstant as the sea.
but dependable are your downfalls, everyone see's your issues.
if you were smart, you'd take it off.
you'd shed your skin and be yourself.
deny the paint on your face and the fact that we can all see it, we know you think you're above it.
you may think what you say doesn't reach my ears, but your ridiculous calls and impunitive voice are what I hear above all else.
it'll escape your mind, and I'm the one who will remind you of what it once was.
I'll get in your head, you're thinner than you think, your being is nothing, and your demise I will be.
your downfall is on a platter dear, take heed and be smart or behind your back is where you'll find the MOST disappointment of your life.
wish all you want, wishes are nothing.
especially to the undeserving.

Exposure,
plenty of light,
nothing uncovered,
or too much left unknown.
Through the lens, which he can't see but only thoughts and ideas he scatters through his shutter.
The rain can be captured quickly and in large amounts.
The press of a button and the stress is released, a flash of light and lightening coincide
crash
electrify.
Fighting the storm, protecting his truths and love.
He still trudges ahead; heart in hand.
Recording his sight, capturing the beauty.

Making it home, he doesn't think twice, he places his heart back in its chest and moves on downstairs.
Walking tall and soaking wet,
avoids looks or stares that come his way.
Piecing his mind back together, missing pieces lost outside in the horrible weather.
He'll keep on aching and asking himself questions, as slowly as the night air dries his split hairs, he can slowly rethink the choices he's made.

Slowly does it flow through your veins. Choke on your own demise and desire. Wanting something bad enough can drive you mad... getting it can **** you.

He lay there unknown, alone, and ******. Sleep and silence is the only peace he's felt in the last 15 minutes, as important as the last 17 years.

Unconscious states are the least he could ask for. So tired, so undead, wishes are hopeless. Barely breathing, it's painful doing so simple a task. He cannot move, he could hold his breath, he cannot see, he cannot dream.

Unconscious and thoughtless... his brain still works in overdrive. Controlling his lungs, his intake, his ability to live.

Broken bones and tragic endings to persistent stories leave no room for unknowns. Answers to be found have lost their simplicity and luster. The lack of information that matters most can ****** him further into his end.

Shattered teeth and swollen eyelids, black and blue and bent awkwardly at the joints. Does he want to move? To risk is to live, to try is to put forth effort, and to succeed means either nothing, or everything.

To Lose It All

The tears the flood the sea are now dry.
A drought consumes your throat and gasping for air you inhale a dust that forces you to succumb to your fate.
You're living, you're breathing, and moving, and you're empty.
A shell of your former self. The ghost of a perfect stranger.
There's no complexity in disillusionment; And an empty locked room remains that way until a purpose is brought to its doorstep.
But without the drive, the purpose barely thrives.

The cat is positioned in the northern corner of the world. The room. The room from which I never wander from. My world, through which I experience life.

The sun, which rises in the east of the confinement, it is as my anger, my heat, my wish for ease. In contrary terms, the west, where it sets is my mind's rest.

The cat does not change positions; even when the clouds gather and dim my room does he stand still. My only company, a standing statue of a true carved wooden soul.

The clouds are dark and the walls are dripping, sopping like grey wet paint streaming down, and puddling on the ground through which I walk over. My tears and grey damp surroundings fill the room until I nearly suffocate under my own emotions for lack of oxygen.

I can sing my soul out into the grey and wait, the wind is my key, the thunder my tone. Such a monsoon through which I crave my well being. The salted tears falling from my chin only further fill the room, and in my boisterous battle against my world, as soon as I slip under and silenced I am does the rain cease, and drain into my soul it does.

Once I finally take a breath, the crickets begin their melody, in tune to my heartbeat, and emotionally wasted does it want to give up on me. But never does it lose its faith in my ability to rest and be content. Trying harder with all its might to withstand the room and its tribulations.

The moon greets my sleepy eyes, and as it is generous enough to let me lay my eyes upon it, unlike the sun, I am thankful enough to lay my head in its rays. It represents my chance to start tomorrow fresh, wherein I'll wait again to see my moon and hear my heart by my side, and beat the monsoon which is as my mind's rush.

Don't expect more than the last downfall which first and foremost
made your heart skip a beat at what you thought would be most worth it.
Pick yourself up to sky high heights and wait for falls which must come quickly after what you built this all up to be.
And if you're already falling, then forget you were ever up so high, because an ending to a story is what completes and diminishes all that previously occurred and broke hearts.
The clouds with which you fall through are the haze with which you saw through, and blow hard baby doll, they'll float away behind your plane crash tracks, and you wont hurt so deeply.
The sun is far away and reaching it isn't the greatness you're waiting for, wherein the point you realize is that your fall back to earth is much nicer than reaching your idea of heaven.
Because if you've really touched it, nothing compares...
believe it or not you'll live.
Even after a fall from such a great high.
Subconsciously you'll find yourself up there again and don't take it too seriously, because you'll find yourself plummeting once again.
Just watch your step.
Glass of peace of mind breaks easy love.

I've done a lot.....
I've done a lot in my lifetime.....
I've done a lot in the past 11 months...
I've felt even more...
I've made decisions....
I've made mistakes....
I've created conclusions and shoved them in the mirror's reflection.
I've made a finalization...
I've terminated the story...
I've concluded this connection.

Now I'm alone...
Now I feel like excess emotions left in a puddle to be stepped in and splashed in, for fun or dismay.
-a muddy disgrace of distaste.
-a muddy reflection of disgust.
-a distraction on the path to your destination.

I feel sick...
Sick to my stomach
Sick in the Mind...
Sickly branches that creep out from my heart, determined to entomb my entire internal system, and hold me there to deal with what level I've continued to stoop myself too.
Myself... the one that's so much better than what she's encountered and how she's figured her future.
I deserve what I have, and what I choose.
I deserve what I get, for what I've chosen.

I'm throwing up...
I'm throwing up everything...
everything that my heart has eaten right out of the palms of those who've given it to me.
I don't wanna feel it anymore....
I don't want that pressure forced on my stomach any longer.
I'm sick...
I'm sick again.
Its all coming up....
I'm letting it out... all the emotions that so rightfully belong on the floor in a jumbled mess rather then crammed in my stomach where they explode with temptation as my stomach thrusts itself in circles....
its looking for a way to let everything go.
My body knows whats right....
I'm emotionally anorexic.
I throw it all away without wanting to let it go, I would rather keep everything that reminds me of that time, that time when my stomach did not churn in agony...

I am miserable....
I am mistaken.... and misjudged...


I am sick...
and distracted...
I'm... lost?

Lost in the mirrors and fine lines... fine lines between punishment and disabilities...
I can see myself....
I see myself pale and done.
Done with everything I'm hearing and thinking right now.
I've gone too far.
I'm done.