Anticipation
I felt it as we stared into each other's eyes.
You weren't done with me.
I loved it.
Around we went, on a stair we sat side by side
Heart racing I looked at you
Magnetism
Lips collided
Short
Sweet
Bliss
You took my breath away
Mind fuzzy
I was a goner
Fast forward a month
To a stolen moment in time
Flustered indeed I paced around anxiously
Enjoying every second of it
I wished I could embrace you
But this was better than nothing
You've been on my mind too often
This has never happened to me.
How come this blonde haired, colored eye boy could make me this weak, and yet this strong?
Worried, but excited?
And just happy?
Why this one?

For whatever reason, God, I like this one. Can I keep him?
Thanks for the consideration.

Heart racing
Mind pacing
Legs shaking
What is this?

I have heard of this disease
A most deadly one indeed
It is called love.

Your name riddles my papers
Your words riddle my thoughts
Your voice rattles my legs
You rattle my heart

I want to know your heart
I want to know your mind
I want to know your soul
And I want you to be mine.

I long for a sweet embrace
I long for an adrenaline coated kiss
I long for one more dance
I long to see you again

What am I to do,
If I love you?

Answer me this, Harold of Wisdom
They say follow your heart,
They say listen to it too,
But what if you're so separated from your heart,
you can't hear it,
nor can it move?

The heart beats fine
Rhythmic supply of crimson life unhindered
Yet it lies inside an invisible cage
A vault, if you may
Keeping it secure from the outside
But silent as well
Away from the waves of life
But unable to move
Time after time, the wall gets tested
Grows stronger
Until it is so fortified, a king would spend an entire army in its conquering

But what happens when one wishes to unlock this case?
Is it rusted together forever?
Does it leak the occasional flow of love?
Did it contain any to begin with?
One tries to undo the wall, brick by brick,
But that never does any good.
And the wall is so powerful,
No act of nature can batter it to its end
So anything one says at this stage comes out half-assed,
Insincere,
Untrustful,
Only showing half of one'a heart.
One doesn't aim for this,
No, not at all.
And yet the situation arises again and again.

The bricks of the walls
The walls of the hearts
The protection
The solitation
How does one conquer one's own defense?

Starless, chilly an autumn night
It all started right
A dance it would be
A stranger I was
Amongst a two roosts of Latter Day Saints
Popular, I was not
Neither shy nor sociable,
I stood in wait for a suitor
Then a lad glided in
A bit taller than I, blonde hair, green eyes
And an adorable hat on his head
Chitter-chatter,
Smiles, laughter,
Then the Games began
This suitor, Gage he was called
Had speed, but not dexterity
And was soon defeated
Charming, cheering, continuing
The dancing came
Clumsy, was I ever so
While he radiated mastery
Every misstep spin on my part
Made him smile
He whispered in my ear,
In hot breaths,
Compliments of golden rarity
A suitor of suitors I see
A spectacular dance, then another...and quite a few more
Each spin drawing me closer,
As we learned the ways of our bodies purely
The intense stares making my cheeks glow rouge
Beguiled in the moment,
I followed Gage out in an innocent move
Outside, taking a walk around the sacristy
We sat upon an abandoned stair
We spoke, we laughed, and...
His sparking eyes locked with mine
And I knew such a day would come!
An elegant milestone!
Lips in incoherent shapes as we did the most ancient of things
Simple and sweet
Breathless, I was
Yet I wanted more
We kissed once again, longer this route
Your lips are sweet, he said in my ear, as I shook in delight
Paper and pen, number in hand
My phone in his hands, exchanging modern things
A quick hug
And a long night of thought for me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since then, contact has been strangled to a near death
As though it was alive beforehand
My hope has faded
But still, I choose to see it as a lesson for the wise
Not a regret for the stupid
It was magical,
It was ordinarily extraordinary,
And blessed I feel for the experience.

The ecstasy of such a simple childhood thing
Swinging on the playground
You don't realize how joyful it makes you feel
Till you do it once more
And feel leg stretching familiarity
Wind racing past
Scenes blurred
Edges of lips curving towards a blue sky
The freedom of flying for just a little while...

I
am
   just
      an
        empty
            shell
                that
                    is
                      falling
                                  .  
                                    .  
                                       .....

Pain is...
Being able to imagine a future with him
Someone who will never love you.

Pain is...
Loneliness
Sadness
Being overlooked
Wishing for the impossible
Seeing everyone run from you.

Pain is spirit breaking,
Tear jerking torment.

That's what pain is.

I'm playing with fire
The blaze is rising
And I don't know to stand,
Fly,
Or run.
Where do I go from here?

am i real?
does anyone see me?
am i not a ghost?
sometimes,
the way people look past me,
i think i might be one.
so often i feel forgotten,
left out.
i mean i have friends,
yeah,
but i wish others would see me too.
today i feel blue.

Sometimes being unique is a hassle
When you're in a castle
Where everyone is the same
And no one's like you
There's no one to talk to

They don't know your music
Or read poetry

You don't share the money
That drips like honey from their clothes

You don't like rap
Which is readily on tap

You're not athletic
Makes you feel pathetic

You feel so alone
Unknown
They're all such clones
Same hair
Same clothes
Same likes and dislikes
What's an outsider to do?

You end up left out
In a dark corner where nothing presides
Divides you from everyone else.

Sometimes being different is a hassle
When you live in a castle
Where being different is frowned upon.

A boy he was
Long, long ago
As he glided into the chromed and teal druggist shop
1950s it was
Vintage years
Women in pert dresses
Men in sharp taupe suits
Filled the shop with a smoky manner
On that summer Sunday afternoon
Fan bladed just a-turnin'
Right through time itself

He saw this box before
Jeweled, valuable big music box
Been here not too long
Breathing in a flavored breath
He saw another it
The black round of pure bliss
"Blue Suede Shoes" by Elvis Presley
The white letterin' said
Letter G
Number 4
Hands ***** cold metal from warm pockets
Slipping them into the maiden's shelter
Fingers to buttons,
Arm to record
Music to shop
"Well, it's one for the money,
Two for the show,
Three to get ready,
Now go, cat, go."
Floated in mass commodity
Away the ears and mind blew in the wind
Far from his hometown
Far from his school
And far from everything he already knew...

Daydream ended too soon for his comfort
The boy stared at the flashy box
And spoke a quiet goodbye
Tile guided him out the ringing door
Concrete guided him home
Where now the older him
Lives crooked, but happy
With a dear old woman who loves him more than anything else
And a jukebox
With many records in it
But one is still on top
"Blue Suede Shoes" by Elvis Presley
In chipped, faded lettering

I accept my fate at last
I burned you
You turned on me
Goodbye forever
I don't need you any more
Than you need me
Dead weight you were
For weeks now
I've just been too kind to say anything
Throw your darts all you want
Spit your poison
And fire your guns
I don't give a flip

Alone
Lost
Abandoned
In this desolate society
Like so many others
Without a father
Without either set of my grandparents
It's just my mom and I

I seek shelter in my friends
But I never seem to find the right kind
I've broken more friendships than I should
No wonder they leave me too
Emotionally at least

But there's one brave, kind soldier still holding on
I broke his love
I banished his trust
And I haven't helped his internal storm
...But yet still he hangs on.
I know he's not the religious sort at all
But God bless him

At least I got one there for me :)

I've apologized
And wondered why
I did that to you

I've done my share of lying
Then my share of crying
Oh what did I do?

And then by kindness and loyalty
You stay with me
A girl you met
Over the Internet
Whose been well abandoned
You're amazing in that way

I am but a foolish girl
With too many words
Not knowing how much weight
Hangs on those words
I admit it
I admit it!

Yes,
Not uneducated
But stupid nonetheless
And you placed your trust in me
And so I did trespass

Now you're stuck
In the invisible muck
I didn't mean to create
I can't go back
And change what I have done
So now I'm stuck too
Cause I don't know
Nor do you know
What to do next

We've already tried to drop the reins
But still this remains
I guess all we can try to do
Is repair this 'ship
But you can't trust me
You can't love me
And neither can I

I'm desperate for a way
To go back in time
And erase the blip
That damaged the 'ship

And so the Titanic sinks slower and slower
To Poseidon's lair
And we can't seem to get anywhere
One barely alive
The other full of life,
But guilt in her heart

Lost, lost, lost
Dark, dark, dark
Just echos, echos, echos of the past
That doesn't seem to ever last

Things have been rough
Since I pushed you off the cliff
And tried to recover your mangled body.

I try to make it seems as though I don't need you
I lie to myself
As I did to you
I'm too good at lying

But the truth
Is that imagining my life right now without you in it
Would be like cake without icing
Still good, but not as nearly as good as it could be

I confide in you
I trust you
I want to believe in you
I speak to you at my loneliest
I share my thoughts, my scattered emotions, with you
I understand it now
I need you much more than you do me
I just do

I am well aware I wronged you
I didn't mean to
I have no tactic
No good strategy

If your heart was something electrical
Charged to 80%
You're now left with 5% or so
All because of me
That's how much I hurt thee, no?

I may not understand you
You complex being
But I do know some things, monsieur

And this is my Poetic Response.

Yes, I've gambled with the heart
I've betted, cheated, lost and won
More than I can count
Yes, I've gambled with the heart

Dangerous business
Gamblin' with somethin'
so delicate
but my wins out-weigh
my losses
And I say "Hey, that's good enough."

And I know I've hurt some people
And I know I've hurt some hearts
Almost like gamblin' with a loaded gun
But that's just all the rage these days
Gamblin' with the heart

Dangerous business
Gamblin' with somethin'
so delicate
but my wins out-weigh
my losses
And I say "Hey, that's good enough."

And i got to say
to all my victims
I regret to say
I'm gettin' better at gamblin'
Everyday with hearts

And you really hope
They just don't go
And break

Numb
Yet reactive to everything
That's how I feel today

Music doesn't touch my abnormally cold soul
Like it does most other days

People, however,
Anger
Sadden
Frustrate
Me to no end today

It's a weird day...

Who am i really
you ask me
as we sit out on this curb
i say i don't know
but as i speak the words,
i know that i'm lying to myself

If i am a puzzle
i've got a few pieces figured out
more are coming daily
but let me speak these out loud
i swear i won't be too long

i am a smart-alec
a true know-it-all
a hypocrite
and i hurt those close to me
and i can't see it any
sometimes i speak too much
sometimes not at all
but this is who i really am
this is who i really am

your patience is wire thin
but continue i must
and i do

who i am really
i'm fun naive girl
who has too much
of this nasty world
my past is horrible
but my future's bright

and i know not everyone
everywhere
will accept everything of me
some will want pieces
some will want all
and i'm alright with that

i am a smart
and musical
teenage girl just growing up
too wise for my age
i feel like a mage

but that's just me
oh oh oh oh yeah
yes that's just me

That's just me

Times of trouble
Test us through the days
Hardship and worry
Rise in many ways

And with all this lightning
And all this rain
You either lose it all
Or have much to gain

Because this storm
It will pass
And this life
Won't always last
The storm will always pass

And when the skies turn black and gray
And all your hope is gone
Just think to yourself
Tomorrow's a new day!

Because this storm
It will pass
And this life
Won't always last

This storm will pass
Yes the storm
The unforgiving horrifying storm
It will surely pass!

Yes the storm will surely pass...

In my pale palm lies something invisible
Yet imaginable
In a desert white valleys and signature ridges
Something beautiful and has no flaws
Lack of it can drive man insane
Or having it can drive a man to better himself
And work for a good future

Tis a calming handful of hope.

We've had our fun
But the conversations are done
Time for the parting of ways

I betrayed you
And made you hate me
I know, I see

Our last messages
Bitter indeed
I knew we wouldn't last long
We had lost our momentum
And I had lost your trust

So I understand it is time to say goodbye
To have a nice life
So I'll say it, but I won't mean it
And to be honest
I haven't cared in a while about you
I did at one time
But not now...

Our relationship just became too stale
For me
Or you
There's the truth...

If you love someone
And they feel they must go
For sorting out their life or whatever they must do
Let them go
And then pray they'll come back to you.

Be patient
Be kind
In the hardest of times
Try to understand
And always be a friend.

If they don't come back
It wasn't meant to be, I guess
But always keep faith and hope
In your heart
That the best shall be.

"Just because you have a PhD doesn't mean you can't be stupid."

I know I don't post much anymore
But to this I keep score
How thankful I am of y'all :)

You listen to my jabbering rhymes
In the best and worst times
And support me always :)

33 of you there are
Enough to fill many many cars
National and international :)

Some write sad songs
Others really long
Some of y'all write both :)

And to the ones that have became friends to me
I thank you most of all
For sticking by me
No matter the fall :)

Thank you followers :)

Here I am, just brushin' up on my notes
that someday, I'll sing to you in person
That like everything else
In this world
These days
Everything becomes a someday...

But how much time do you truly have to fit in all those
Long gone promised memories
Known as somedays

An old man once said to me
"I'd like to see the Eiffel Tower"
He knew his days were runnin' out
But his wish turned into a someday
When he passed away
Passed away

Life is too short
To keep saying things
Without meanin' it all
And actin' upon it

I knew this couple long ago
Where they went nobody knows
But they once said
"Someday, we'll go to California
Raise our kids just like we wanna."
I think they made their wish come true...

Life is better when you act
Upon every single wish
Don't leave any unanswered
Call them all back to memories
From child to old
Everyone says something that turns into a someday...

And time passes fast as it always did
And time stands still for no one
So just do it...
Don't waste in the only life you have
Live moment to moment
Always taken a chance
Oh yeah

But lesson learned
Don't be the old man
And waste all your time...

i broke a major law
not city nor state nor federal rule
i broke someone's heart
i was incredibly cruel

he was already broken
he'd been hurt bad before
i can't believe i sunk his boat
and i swore i'd never hurt him

i lied to him
and the rose of regret falls upon me
being so far away from him
and bringing him pain i cannot see

what do i do?
i do not know
will he forgive?
if so, it'll be slow
just tell me
please

what happened to the positive feelings?
did they all fade away?
what happened to your promise
to see me in person someday?
we haven't been talking,
and honestly i'm worried
what happened?
what changed?
will we never be the same?

In the state of the Lone Star,
the sun begins to pound on my pale skin
As summer begins

I'm out of school
I'm out of a social life
I'm flooded in books
Required and wanted alike

Sweltering heat makes the air thick
Like sweet Southern molasses
The mosquitoes are out full force
And the ants are too

Old ladies and men on porch swings
Speaking quietly to themselves
The young and active squabble in yards and pools
Whilst under parent's watchful eye
The young and geeky sit in front of screens
Fingers and thumbs moving away

Freedom
The boiling *** of summer freedom
Drips on the stove of the people
Calming them into summer's lazy drift...

Those are the realities of a Southern Summer.

you say you love to see yourself bleed
you say you over-think
you say i needn't plead
i'm afraid you're on the brink

you say i'm the closest to heaven that you'll ever be
you say you are a sad, sad person
to the first i'll agree
i just hope it doesn't worsen

you say no one's ever loved you
you say you hate everyone
but the first isn't true
i do love you
though you're not the favorite son

you say you're a liar who hates liars
you say in death there is salvation
who lights rude fires
but who deserves a standing ovation

i don't like this side of you i must admit
but i fair no better looking only at the surface
at all the wit and ****
you must have a purpose
as we all do
all we have to do is find it
me and you

will you let me guide you out of your misery?
i am here to help
will you let me love you as a brother and best friend?
i want to love you
will you let me see your ****** wrists?
i would like to help them heal
will you let me see the real you, behind the facade?
i want to know who you really are
will you love me?
i really want to be cherished
will you like what you see when i show you the real me?
i can't be assured you will
will you let me tell you about my scars? my story?
i need to be free

well, will you?

Becoming myself
Rising from the ashes of a girl
Into the fires of womanhood
I am between
Slowly, gradually
I am finding things about myself
that I never knew
Was it that I never asked?
Or is it newly hatched?
That I'll never know
But surely I am becoming me
Flaming feathers of confidence rising every month or so
As I molt my childhood fears
My body shifts to accommodate for life ahead
And make me beautiful
Victory comes closer
As required schooling gets closer to ending and college creeps in
Drama is soon to taint my crimson
Pressure increases
But I will continue to transform
Despite all this
And become the brightest phoenix I can be

There are so many aspects of a person to remember
Their face, eyes, weight, voice, their name...
The things I remember the most are
Their eyes, face, name, and...
Scent
If it was exotic, comforting, addicting, sweet, spicy...
How odd is that?

Vanity is the killer sin of woman and man
Showing up everywhere in common day society
Magazines, books, music, and on and on and on

We are all guilty of it to some degree
From the man spraying on cologne in the attempt to get a partner
To women in talon-tipped platform heels

We have convinced our sons and daughters that beauty is something that must be manufactured
Not purposely, no! But we still have!
Not the natural ways of us human beings

Nature tells us, "Beauty shall not be messed with."
Yet that's what we keep doing!

To the brave, the bold, the foolish,
Whatever you may be
I dare you
To look beyond cultural
Social
Influences on mankind
And see that everyone is beautiful to someone in someway
And that true beauty is internal
And vanity matters not!

This is a song for the lost
A song for the broken
A song for the lonely
And weak

I know how it feels to be that way
I've battled through hardship myself
And I know how it all makes you feel
Low in the spirits
Like you just can't get up
And it seems all lost
And everything's failing
But I'm here to tell you
It's not

The sun will come again
After the rain is done
So just keep going
Through this hell you're in now

All the bullying
All the shame
All the humiliation
It's hard to keep going
But in the end, it's worth all it

So hold your head up high
And show them you're better
And just keep pushing on
'Cause

The sun will come again
After the rain is done
So just keep going
Through this hell you're in now

And if you ever just feel like giving up
Moving on
Listen to my voice
And ask yourself
"Is this really what I want?"

This is a song
For the lost
And the lonely
And the ones who need more love
You're worth it
You're worth it
You're worth it, I say
So keep
So keep
Going on

The people you love the most
Will always betray you the worst

The people you hate
Will be the ones that help you

Your "friends"
Will be the first people to ditch you

The people you never thought of
Will love you
When no one else will

It's The People you least expect...

tears...
fears...
lies...
goodbyes...
no kiss...
no bliss...
lonely nights...
long fights...
love is done...
and my heart feels barren...
a dark veil comes over me...
where i can't see...
what will i do,
without you?

What have you done to me?

You have...

Flirted and teased

Swept me off my feet

Been on my mind
And in my songs

Made me fall in love with you

Then you just dropped me
Like a nasty tissue
When at once you treated my tender heart
Like a porcelain figure

Why?

Why do I dream?
When nothing I dream ever happens?

We never met

I cannot fly

I am not there

And never will be

All these days I dream
Without known consciousness

And pray they come true
Do you not  hear my prayers, my Lord?

But they never do
And I always leave myself disappointed
Wishing for what Destiny **won't give me...

I thought you were the exception
To my curse of sour apples

It didn't take me long
To notice a difference
The lack of affection
The absences

The sacred crimson
Of which we were bound
Meant nothing to you

You loathing brute!
You thief!

You came in like a phantom
And out like a March wind

Did you ever think about me?
About my love for you?
All these things I think of
As I think back on you...

Salty, bitter tears
To end sweetness
With another hateful word
All because of you...

To have everything known
No secrets left
That's true freedom

To have no restraints
No bars blocking me from doing what I want to do
That's true freedom

To have a heart be known
No love to hide or secret admirers
That's true freedom

I'm a...
Nerd
Tryin' to run with the herd
Lonely one
Miss out on all the fun
Reader
If there was a book meter, I'd have broken it by now
Musical novice
Though I'm aimless in my pursuit
Believer in the Almighty
He is to me like a father to a daughter
Smartie
Sweet and hardy

I'm a lot of things
And that'll change over the years,
But I hope to be
The best me I can be
Now and forever.

I wake the mornin
To the birds in the trees
Sunshine in my eyes
Another day"s delight
Oooh, oh, oh

There nothin
Like comin to school
Fresh like a summer breeze
Makes the day not so long
'Cause summer comin on
Faster than speed of light

This is sweet, sweet serenity
This is sweet, sweet serenity
Oh yeah
Sweet, sweet senenity

Don't need nothin fancy
No need some boy to complete me
I'm fine my own
But know
Cause I got people
I got friends and family
Who are faithful
What might I need
More than this sweet serenity?

Sweet, sweet serenity
Sweet, sweet
Sweet, sweet
Sweet, sweet serenity
I am happy with my life
I don't need any help
No, no, no
Doing just fine on my own
Even when times are tough
I bring myself back up
I am strong
I am strong

This
Is
Sweet,
Yes, sweet, sweet serenity

Sometimes I feel as though
There is an ocean
Between me and other people
A mental sea, of course
I don't act like them
I don't think like them
I'm not one of them

I wish it didn't exist
The Black Sea of my mind
I wish I could just be normal
Like everyone else

I wish that I could find my niche
Where I might find my place
In this vast world
Where I could find people like me
To hang with
A best friend even
That'd be lovely

Oh, how I wish...

I once saw a blue jay in a oak tree
And awed as mother fed her children
And flew away for more.
The little feathered things
Stared at me and peeped
Then mother bird came back
And fed them once more
Then they all laid down
Mother included
And they took themselves an afternoon nap

That was such a natural experience
Yet it changed me in so many ways
Teaching me things
No book
No poem
No teacher
Could ever explain
Motherhood is love,
No matter the species
The race, the culture.
Motherhood is love.

Somedays I read back on my poetry
And wonder: Is that really me?
My poetry came out great
I realize with glee

When you write
You're so unsure
What you want to say

Then you go back
And read it again
It's not half bad
You realize with a grin

So no matter your topic of write
Say what you wish to say
Because you'll read back
And come away
With a bit of wonder in your heart
And a smile on your face

The Genius
Philosophizing the universe
One who thinks of quadratic theories of space and time
On his free time
The one who thinks of beautiful poetry
To a delightful muse

The Madman
Inventing ways he can put math to his cause
Always thinking of things to invent
Ideas- a storm of them
Intelligence- enormously, yes
Standing behind a corner
Stalking his love

I ask you:
Is there much difference between madmen and geniuses? Aren't they the same?

Rain falls quietly outside
The windows up
As I sit beside my window
With my coffee cup
Filled with hot chocolate

Creamy and smooth
The warm happiness runs down my throat
Soothing my week's worries
And I sing a whole note
Of sweetness

The dimmed light of the sun
Mirrors my attitude
And I think of my loved one
And speak of my gratitude
That ended up with someone so great

I have nothing to do
These days are the best
These days help me get through
All the rest
Rainy days rule

My dream guy
Isn't buff
Nor perfect

My dream guy
Can be a little scrawny
And be perfectly unperfect

My dream guy
Can be a little weird
I won't mind

My dream guy
Can be a little broken
I am too
We can help fix each other

My dream guy
Can be uniquely handsome
I like 'em that way anyway

My dream guy...