In an effort to preserve a solitary strand of consciousness laced with conscientiousness that I can only describe as the lingering remnants of hope within me, I'd like to take the time to catalogue this lonely thought amidst an overwhelming, unwanted, and relentless cacophony.

Sometimes, even within the most ludicrous events or wanderings of the mind we can find a moment of gratitude or humble ourselves to then change our perspective
-however briefly.

Think about how tirelessly a phone speaker or any electronic device for that matter works to provide as a source of consistent entertainment, comfort, and support (depending on how you utilize your devices). Yet the minute it breaks or fails, we viciously attack it for having failed us; chastising, deploring, and implementing our derogatory sleights once it deviated outside of its expectancy. Negating the circumstances previous in which it has been right there to provide what we desired or needed in real time.

The same thing can be applied to how we treat each other. It is vital to remember if we feel that someone has failed us to simultaneously recall how many times they have been there when we needed them. And most importantly forgive them the faults of their human condition while gaining the ability to recognize those very faults within ourselves. Approach with understanding, share wisdom, and spread compassion as you tread. Even if the circumstances do not fall in kind with you. The reason behind your pain, confusion, and suffering is so that you'll know when the good times come. "What you are, I once was. What I am, so you will become."

Her red roses have thorns
Her black demons surreptitiously lie
It's like witnessing good flora be dissolved
By potassium hydroxide
The only trouble with her is this:
All the while she is looking inside
With a magnifying glass
For each and anything amiss
I'm viewing her with a kaleidoscope

Yet I magnify the intensity of her colors
While she resides within
Her fractured self-image
But she's metamorphic
Beneath that stress and pressure
These tests cause duress
And weigh heavy burdens
Upon her chest

Yet instead of diamonds
She produces a blue sapphire
Something a little brighter
To which she can hold on tighter
I hope the load feels a little lighter
As I throw my rope in
And climb down there with her

Picture us collecting leaves
With hearts on sleeves
Forming jewels, relief swelling our heads
Instead of the familiar usual ache
Of wondering fools

Let's weave and wind our own designs
And leave the threaded webs
Of past mistakes behind
To the point in time
Where pressing rewind isn't so lonely
Stones can be cold, or shine like silver
Because we both know that gold
Is cheap and phony

But not the heart of the ocean
Deep with devotion
A jewel of eternal love
With Blue Sapphire eyes
I will light up your dark skies
And reveal to you the stars above

I said it out loud
So there would be no shroud
No elusive vestige's veneer
Leaving fingerprints and clouds
No shadow of a doubt
That isn't allowed
And I'm certain the only time to say it
Was right now

No intricacies or implicit notions
Only acting in time
And staying in motion
While we'd been singing all night
Of a hearts devotion
An ocean flooded through me
Like I had drained a potion

I couldn't wait to retrace footsteps
Once you come back
Even though in person
Would have been using more tact
Even more there was
An irrepressible desire to state a fact

So even though
It may not be the right time or place
I'd rather let you in now
Than wait to see your face
I don't need an answer
Just take my words and don't recede

I'll be patiently waiting
Until you find your reprieve
It may have been ill conceived
But it's what I know
And choose to believe

We exchange phrases in the dark
Like playmates turned confidants
That needed a necessary spark
To release a subtle vulnerability

While my own heart goes crazy with this longing, festering desire
Unsightly circumstances that are shallow and pedantic
Helpless to the careful method
In which your soft voice enraptures me

If I paid attention
Suspended my voice of reason
I'd end up searching for a branch to connect us that bears no fruit
For attraction is aloof
And ever fleeting

And it's been years since we met
With nothing in between
No lover's dreams connecting us
All that comes from me on impulse
Is lust
As you lay enveloped in young covers
And I in forgotten rust

I lay here on my cowardly spine
Tracing lines through memories
Attempting to control the feelings overwhelming me
I'm Lovecraft's outsider
Who fell off the face of the earth once looking upon his reflection
My clever deception that forever keeps me second guessing

Here comes another confession
As we lay discussing seemingly ethereal dreams
You tell me surreptitiously
About your hatred for concession stands
And breach this tension
That broke my mind's sinful schemes

You're such a good friend
Lying in bed and taking the time
To engage in a real discussion
All the while I'm fighting to control how my face is blushing

I'm definitely attracted but I wouldn't hold that sentiment
So I sit with a preventative
Dose of rationale designed to corral all these untethered caprices

It's like a fascist demands to make a statement
While a whimsical, dying romantic sates himself in a debate
I don't ever ask questions to get the answers I'm looking for
When all it takes is a turn of phrase
Or an upturned twitch in cheek
Which leaks so much more than mere words can say

I appreciate you for the jovial tune your voice gives away
It brings me forward from self-deprecation and the drama Towards honesty

I value your pleasant enthusiasm while the lights are off
That dissipates my impure thoughts
It puts me in a righteous place
Until the break of dawn when we can see our faces
And once again adorn our individual reliefs

You've confided in me more than what others get to see
Life has been rough and even though I'm lingering
Longing for your touch
Your careful words mean so much
And truly I think it's enough

Reach out and cut your hands on the glass strand shards
Sticking out of my heart
Shouting in rage; forgetting my age
Desperately hoping to engage
Or restart

Walking on eggshells and retract
From the fact that both my feet retreat
When I sense you lurking so tactfully
One wrong step severs that last kind breath
Until we forget what it was like before
In between a battleground haze (mazes comprised to our designs)
And ulterior motives

It's amazing how forgetful we can be
Until there's no good memories
I need some recompense to provide for an accurate censor
And try to determine why I feel greed
And propensity in my relationships

I don't want to be caught in the same headspace
What a waste to frivolously seek the finish line
Leaving impressive vines with no roots
And nothing to annoint
But I suppose its due to the exceedingly increasing value
Of time and how that robs us blind
With nothing to do
And a moot point

The hardest thing to accept while we hope and pray
Baring our souls naked and afraid
Is taking rejection head on
No protection while asking why
Simply because...
No matter your age or gender
There's no tender way to reply:

Return to sender

Am I too progressive with my indiscretions
So hazardous while blathering implicit messages
Confiding in your esteem
Preening my feathers, licking wounds
And I guess...
Sending messages that are perplexing and confused
Causing stresses and second guesses leading to conceptual asepsis
Otherwise there'd be no guise or feelings manifested

I'd be chaste if only I could feel my ****** bones
Yet I have no control, and that makes me bold
So I spray my words in haste
I knew it was true when I told you
You looked like you'd been replaced
Then it took a moment to regain your composure
But I could feel your pain was real like you got hit by a bulldozer

What we had was then threatened to be torn asunder
I swear the silence that ensued rumbled as loud as thunder
It was as though that moment let go drained away our gladness
All there was to remain was feigned
Within the echo of profound sadness
Ashamed feeling like my blunders lead to your heart's plunder
I'm deciding now to write this down to prevent it taking us under

The way I look at relationships is a free flowing fluid
The brass tacks slip through the cracks
Rest assured that we're not ruined
Suffice to say I don't see you that way
Because we're not black or white
We're different shades of gray

I'm not going to lie. I don't want to rhyme. Its 5 am and I'm thinking about how the time has been spent. How I'm now going to invent a way to be clever or crass but brass doesn't retain it's veneer unless it's polished. It stays clear. And so here I sit for the 27th hour of the day thinking of what to say, sour when my words are failing me. Where to start, I guess we could unravel the heart. I never had a problem with you pulling it apart. Because we would look inside to find what's missing. And together stitch it up with a necessary revision. And look at me reminiscing. And look at me all nostalgiac. I think the truth of the matter is that I can't miss you because I'm sick. I CAN'T allow the tears to come because it'd be too quick. I can't stop rhyming because I'm trying to say... something legitimate and embrace what you used to tell me. To recognize that side of my soul that could dive so deep. Instead I hear EVE 6 turning my heartbeat to a beautiful oblivion. And think I could distract myself from what has been haunting me since we went our separate ways. Or how you came into my mind so many times tonight... It was as if I was speaking with a familiar face. See for me understand I am a different kind of sober whale. I can't even find release while begging please and breaching the surface to just let it cease without indulging in despondence but the tears won't come and I think it's drowning me. Then I think this is so right with insight of the way we treated each other wrong inconspicuously and the burdens placed upon these lives. And all along I'd try to make a case and point regardless if it was yours or mine. I'd find value in the lesson and perplexion and what still doesn't make sense is how I'm ******* second guessing. My mind won't let me shut it off so maybe that's why I'm stressing? I had a single moment of clarity. Let's wait a moment and see if I will wake up before I sleep. Let's see if I reload this gun just for fun at what's taunting me. Let's see how many metaphors I can think of to wash away the tide. The only thing that's filled my dreams since the moment we said goodbye. I apologize for my intrusion, but it's no delusion when you and I were so INTegral there was no confusion. I felt the smallest waves you'd make and we'd come together full fledgling fusion. Diffusing what didn't serve us and make room for convalescence. But this time what I say may just explain why we slipped into evanescence. Because I just pulled off the latest trick from my belt that I fashioned as armor and wore as a pelt. But a one trick pony only has so many tickets to sell until realizing that his grandeur is his hell. So let me tell you what I know now. There's no place for me in your life. It's not right. And I didn't say goodbye. I didn't even try. I was so convinced that I was doing us a service and operating on pretenses. And now our time has passed and I'm grateful to have those fences to look over and know that I was truly blessed with something profound. Because you lifted me into the sky and I brought you to the ground. And all I deserve is nostalgia and the tears that I found. I just wish that I could tell you how much you mean to me. There will never come another like you. Not with your serendipity. One more cheap rhyme probably forms a design But I couldn't believe what I was selling. And you know Nissa that I know what it is to be a felon. So I'll go on telling the same story but I wanted you to know... It was with you only that so ever felt like home. And I learned there's a difference between what we know and what we believe. And what I know will never grant me any reprieve. I'm so caught in denial spinning spirals and trying to convince myself I miss the idea of you and me. But it's a lie and I know it. I miss your truth, our bond, and your ferocity. And that philosophy could never surmount to that pretense. The arrogant dense ***** who told you there was no recompense. There's no idea of us, only what we were. And I fantasize now of how I compromised when you were sure. I had every intention that my decision would provide a final cure. But there I go again like that filters out my impurity. Like a last ditch effort could ever comfort you now. I just hope that somehow you'll read this. I never grieved over you and very few eyes will see this.

I couldn't let go. And just say no, because I'm an addict and once I got into the flow there's no doubt that the ps4 went into rest mode. When the poem that I wrote for you was lost to the abyss I grew despondent and may have suffered paralysis a minute or two before this revision. Here I sit with a stale cigarette because it's been a while. And I'm not talented, so after reading your poems I've decided to steal your style. Then I made a decision to cut the lights, making the room dark. Because maybe if I shut off a sense or two my mind could begin to spark.

And quit berating me like a shark over losing that last thought. Even though I know you feel that kind of energy that I'm so desperately trying to lay bare naked for you to see so ******* unapologetically.

So once again I apologize for my intrusion. I'll try to keep it short and to the point and omit the confusion... Just let that raw spongy meat fill the sink like a blood soaked delusion. I'm like a fungus trying to find that tender feeling. The very same that's left me reeling. Congealing at the mouth for a minute or two until I let the tears run that had been concealed as if in a Sun fusion tomb.

And not to be rude but these first lines are garbage. I wanted to save that last one because at least there was some heartfelt flow. Not just rhymes and the due time of some clandestine woe. Here we go.. I can't do this. It's like the moment has passed because it got ruined. And now I can't get back to the place where I'm imagining your face or our palms interlaced...

And now my phone is dying. I'm scrambling to the charger deranged and out of place. I can't let the phone die then one more time curse the sky and wonder why. I won't take it as a sign that these words aren't meant to be written while I'm trying to remember only what the last one said like it needed this phony precision... Just acting crazy and coddling this vision like it's my baby. Like 7AM is a normal time to still be up. I don't know, maybe? Maybe it's because I've been thinking about you lately. And the thought of that had me in denial, lady. And look at me getting cocky with what I say. Like I can stand here and act queer and make sloppy jokes like that's okay!?

Maybe that's the reason why I can't sleep. Because I can't even hide my pride any more this time. I'm tired of rhyming. I just want to touch on what you used to tell me was a piece of me that was inspiring. I'd be lying if I said I have any of it left because any notion of that premise is so much less than deft. And here I go thinking I'm about to touch upon what's left in my heart when I know just how it will end but no idea where to start. Maybe it will come to me if I talk about dreams. Something innocent enough to dilute my own selfish reprieve.

What you meant to me.. Has me stricken with grief. Every word that I write feels like a giant hypocrisy. Every time that I think these thoughts I want to drown myself in my sleep.

And now I have that other poem that's going through my head but you have no ideas as to how it sounded or what it said. I described myself as a felon for what I did to you. How I stole your time for my own designs that much I know is true. But the truth of the matter is I can't stop the superfluous rush of rhyming words that want to come and they need to hush up. I'm trying to come from the heart. And all I can say is that I'm in a lot of pain just trying to relay... Trying to close my eyes and enter that flow state. For you I will.. I'm awake with my intent. It's almost eight but not too late for me to tell you just how I feel. If I try to rhyme it's not going to be right. It kills me inside that it's hard to fight. But I guess that's typical. Because I'd rather think of what to say next than be literal. Because I'd rather be a figurative criminal than dig deeper. I'd rather grow cynical than for once just face the reaper. I know my character when I despise my own reflection that alternates between this state and a newly found perception Because I'd rather be an outcast. Reject and misunderstood preacher than a disciple... and I'm my only rival.. But this isn't a confession to you and this digression isn't the Bible...

Just a predecessor to an elaborate truth and one at which I've been so uncouth. I see a black hole when I close my eyes. I know that I tell lies and hide behind alibies so my vacancies are my disguise. Now does that suffice for my ******* ego? Can I finally tell someone that I love just how hard it was to let go. How two years have passed and nothing feels so special because someone met tonight lead me to retrograde and that was heavy.. But it was more like an epiphany. It forced my pride and opened wide the holes I have inside. The very same that came from the time we said goodbye. When I forced your hand and took that stand and created a divide. I try and I try to convince myself that I miss the idea of you. But I'd be lying. I changed things up and pressed my luck but here's to trying. The stupid rhymes won't go away. They think it's safe. They think it's dignified, composed, and chaste. Whatever their reasons they fight being erased. And I guess that's the next wave of emotion I have to face..  

Even in a room with no-one around. I have to think about how it was you who lifted me into the clouds, and I in turn always brought you to the ground. I do believe the love we had was profound. I knew that you could speak to me without a sound.

And yet we still drowned, and I'm left shaking, still headstrong and rationalizing and faking. Still ******* rhyming even though this is the second poem in the making. How I managed to render the most precious bond I had forever forsaking it. What I'm left with to know is that I have no right after all this time to come into your life.

What I've learned is there's a difference between what you know and what you believe. In a moment of clarity I know what I've got is deserving. And then choose to believe in nostalgia and empty tears. Because Nissa, darling, it's been two years. And you're a new person in the moment I was here. Somehow I hope that one day you will read this little post-it note that means more to me than any wisdom or quote in the few passages here that aren't cunning or rote. It wasn't meant for many eyes to see. But I can't take this familiar loneliness haunting me. And there I go trying to connect synapses into the next day like it matters as time elapses
I lay here in bed with nothing to say but convey memories within my head. They don't fill me with dread, I reminisce with a soft version of sober ringing like the singing call of the dead. And though it was fleeting you will never leave me. So from the deaths that I've caused this to follow is what I'm bereaving. I might have been dreaming but I once was believing that all my deceit could prevent me from grieving. Like I don't already know that you're long gone and I'm still breathing. Like I don't sit here seething and still trying to rhyme or think of that last design. Like I'm not lying at all or that I haven't been crying. Washed up water methods and coping mechanisms may sedate me for a week. I don't want all of your love because for me it was enough knowing we were Nissa and Cedric.

I'm beginning to understand why they say home is where the heart is because I scream while I'm alone remembering and receive no catharsis. It's why I starve myself of necessary sleep to stay awake then soothe myself when I shake reflecting on mistakes. Now I only have to wonder about what you're doing. Because I won't reach out, ungluing and unraveling a door that's been shut when just a reminder of you washed me into a rut. It's why the ocean's waves are bringing me peace. They're consistency is what I have left to just cease and desist when I grow sullen and remiss. When I've now spent my night writing this. When I miss your kiss, but truly long for your echo. When I know I have to move on now but I won't let go. I love you. Just in case.. You didn't know.

Here's to us:
She knows I don't do mushy stuff
So she paints a more candid picture
She whispers shades of something to make me laugh
And etches a residing softness to my sober

I love these pictures of us because they're unapologetic
I find comfort within the confines of your gentle caresses
And now that you're gone the current sweeps me up
But not into a projected evanescence
Because I don't have to seek joy when I know it's found
I don't have to spend my time in the clouds
Getting high off of pipe dreams and sweet things
Or imagine my blessings
I only have to look upon a photograph
And like magic it comes rushing back to me
Galloping with the giddy glee of youth
Or the enigma of a cartoon character

Where our roads bend I'll find you at the cross section
Where the path divides I'll find you on the sidelines
-and if not, the next stoplight
Where you sit guessing as to how much longer it will hold on for
And no matter how long it takes
No matter how many mistakes or closed doors
I'll come back to surprise you

But the disguises I hide in are only comprised of my true colors
We take a moment to sing our shared music shutters
With shared confessions of catharsis
I can't deny that you've got a hold on my heart, the spark is lit.
And I would walk with you
Even if we only had one match left

People commit suicide when their soul is dehydrated
When thoughts outside a solid wall can not be gyrated
All embers grow cold and vacant like they've been sedated
Or maybe caved in because once inflated to a certain extent
There's no room to be sated when only knowing wicked intent
A body needs to be caressed and let a broken bone mend
To make it flexible and elastic -first shown how to bend
It's nothing fantastic but merely a lesson on how to cope
How to watch yourself rebound from any and all hope
How to break down and realign then redesign the entire mind
Seeing being beaming retreating
screaming at you
with NOTHING inside

And how that harrowed hole bores into how you're defined
And how time is the only place left to fill an empty space
So hollow at this point it feels like it can just be replaced
The following revolutions come one second at a time
If you can't find the courage for evolution
You're destined to rewind
It manifests as a habit building pressure in your mind
Until one day what's filled up has pressed your luck
Because guess what? it was the same as the last grind


The only healthy circle comes from an innate sense of being
When you reach within all you've been and all that you are seeing
And when you find the epitome of all that you have sought Remember all in practice & nothing that lasts is bought Overcoming tragedy found through glory and no retreat
While marching to the sound of your heart's personal drumbeat Will be lost to you over and again yet returns at a single thought It's no predisposition but practiced, understood, then conditioned When you open your ears and truly listen

Not all times do diamonds glisten.
No footprints are left behind without a vision.
No wisdom is borne without decision.
Nothing changes without remission.
No fault is known without admission.
No script was written without revision.
No skill ever mastered without precision.

So when you spend time wondering how things could have been different.

You'll do yourself a favor instead wondering what it all meant.

I want you to scream your lungs out today loud and proud
Bow your head and gesticulate all that you have vowed
Because if that art didn't echo cathartic it wouldn't make a sound
If you didn't chase the highest rungs the path is wayward bound
If life didn't motivate you there would be no drive
And if you weren't in motion then you wouldn't survive
And if you didn't bound from strife you wouldn't thrive
Because staying wound up doesn't allow for any pride
The sedentary life desecrates and decimates and pushes down our dreams
It bottles up and washes up all our clever schemes
It tricks you into thinking that you have no right to believe
That there is no reprieve to compensate a cold reality
Well I have got news to you warriors who fight
Continue on your path and scream singing blues and sharing might
Even if this a dream I don't need to be educated on mirth
It is the split second's impact where I feel it's worth
Remember to revel and celebrate and overcome the mind
Or ask yourself what kind of footsteps you want to leave behind

Certainly there is no such thing as rewind

Now is the time I am grateful to be alive
To prove my worth for my birth
The God that blessed my time
I am given golden hours
That no one can take from me
I am in charge and omnipotent
To hold the key and set me free
I was given the right to learn from my fear
To overcome what's been and yield strength within
And protect those who I hold dear
If I don't get to choose what affects me
Certainly I am given free will to protect me
The power of my mind to regulate what is perplexing and vexing until encountering the next thing
So if the only thing truly naked is my fear
Then maybe next time I'm down and out I'll remember that I was here
I'll remember my calling is so crystal clear and to humble myself
That I am fortunate and I am blessed
And only need to remind someone else

Pick up the phone for a dial tone
While alone for the first time
With a knife to your neck
You express how echoes affect your life
Never once do you hear from the other side
I self destruct you press your luck and replay lost time

There's no break in the wake of my silence
Now you hate that I'm late to the violence
This mistake, our new fate has crossed through
What is lost, what it cost, but ain't really nothing new
Nothing new

Oh! Cara, Cara baying blood
Cleanse yourself from tracking mud
Hear me out, I think you should
Crying never did no good
Take the blade from your hand
Throw it up and take a stand
In between the lines you read
Rooting vines can't hide your greed
You deceive all the tricks
Laughing as you get your fix
Turn around placing blame
Shivering from all your shame

Come take comfort in relieving your trouble
His ears ripple like puddles taking in the stories
Betray your vulnerability as a confidant
And know your armor remains a safe accoutrement
While revealing your fears in several categories

Oh the glorious lessons of love that you've known
The epiphanies and Persephone violets that you've blown
The heartache and strife behooves flowers once sewn
With only the reassurance of knowing you've grown
And how they expired to make room for Rome

And sitting contemplating in quiet reflection
The listener's gift is to sigh and admonish while offering perception
He'll ask you of switching roles and give advice
He'll conjure up any answer until the finale does suffice

Listening to your footsteps fade as you walk out the door
Until the next time you need a vice similar to before
Is one more reassurance to bring His pain to the floor
One last confirmation to cease searching for a moor
Negate the endless need for vulnerability et amour
Until there are no longer holes in his own armor

*Nothing inside to hide or frighten you
Et pour ne rien révéler sous

Compassion is a distraction
Leaving butterflies and still question marks
While I'm smiling, groaning, and thrashing
Swimming in a cesspool filled with cruel sharks
Not used to kind remarks and the complimentary excess
So I hashtag fallacies and clever messages to make them all perplexed

Then
Come the moment of truth cross them out wave goodbye
And slash every last dime a dozen heart
If what they were saying was genuine. . .
I'd find a way
To be disappointed from the start
Pixellated picture frames hover play over dull space
When it's the only real way to me I ever get to see your full face
And when left alone in the confines of a necessary moment
I'd lead with retrospect and waste time wondering what it all meant
I forget to taste and touch. Too busy while I preach and rush
To enjoy a moment in the sun and all that noise seems to hush
The day I forgot to stop and think was the day I had some fun
Until I rewind the reality tape and press play to watch it come undone
The tale I spin runs with parasites that perforate dripping abcesses
Ravage rats ravenous and infected blood flows through cordial asepsis
Fantasizing of better times while right now passes by.
I close my eyes and kiss the sky and wish that I could fly
Fish for stockpile rhythm and dive bar singing blues
Sizing up and dicing up and slicing up the clues

Sometimes it can be as simple as simple: me and you
Until I **** that too and habits bloom I'm just a fool
Who thinks on wasted talent
The words I write don't render sight so I don't bother myself
A single dent.
My cup has run over wild amok. Belly up. Superfluous in extent
I'm not certain whether to give a **** or pray to God my soul is sent.

RE: :) Wow. My Gawd that is sooo hot. You're really so tlented! Hmu 2 c wat's up. Or better yet txt me #Spent xoxo
Until next time
Let me kno wat u ment.

...

I catalog events with a subtle, ulterior pretense
Describing the notorious infamy in all the events
And anything characterized, inspiring, and bold
Makes a story unfold in the real time it's told
I am snowblind and need defibrillation to wake up
Either my heart turned cold or has simply had enough

The ferry fan dreamboat has only so inadequately found
That as I feel my orienting response record the time down
It is not truly me who was looking around
Though I can pinpoint the exact moment that I drowned
The only lingering product of me absolutely remaining
Is the aftermath of my angina so ever restraining
Never complaining until the sound of the trigger
Then I'll be adamant to describe that noise with vigor
Though rigorous it may be, I will try, I might even with some tact
And let you in one last time presenting only fact.
I stepped away and left this place while presently in line
The sentence was one more time for the last time
And then you said goodbye

I was watching all the while a vapor on the scene
And I felt myself lose oxygen with no production in my spleen
My blood does not perfuse in that bilateral moment of blame
How can I let asystole clamp and constrict my cowed red vein?
How could I dilate the cause of my shame?
How could I love my life in the rain?

The simple reason I was experiencing tinitus...
I found out all connections were lies
Like a manufactured virus
Love was a prescription with doses written in ink
With no distinction and no response I could not think
With no recompense or recognition I felt my larynx shrink

I was only dumbfounded so I took to my reflexes
Handpicking a numb tendency to fill my recesses
But it only drains you and me and leaves a hole behind
I'm nowhere near magical so it's power cannot rewind
If so inclined I'll tap my spine and steer it all back
But I don't feel you anymore
*Only this heart attack

Let the resin of my pain be the fan to my flame
And introduce new and old ways for me to feel
Complete me. For I am only incomplete
While forgetting how You came to save me
My goal is still in sight
It only feels hundreds of miles away
I now know that I love myself, for I wish me good
Allow my actions to do good for others
Let me save them
In this way I know many more things precious
Grant me strength and courage to work within You
My God
My compassion and my love will be my ultimate strength
And I am thankful of a reminder of who I can be
Amen

I'm sitting on the porch taking in the scene's reflection
I freeze time to admonish myself of the moment's perfection
Astonished by the serene vestige of a complete life
Molded by time, patience, virtue, and strife
My daughter Jacqueline holds a flower in hand
And bolts towards me as I pretend to stand
Then catching me exclaims "you won't win this race!"
As I lift her up to me she plants a kiss upon my face
With a wistful innocence she places the rose in my hair
Closes her eyes and whispers "I love you everywhere."
"No matter where, I love you too, my darling Jacqueline"
Beyond oceans and streams and everything in between

Then my beautiful bride steps outside
Clutching the next miracle on the way
There's something she wishes to tell me
But her words I can not relay
I am suddenly stricken with a pain in my chest
They look down upon me and shout "you know what is best!"
But the voice I hear is distinctly my own
"It is by your choice that you remain alone"
The finale like an overture orchestrates my malady
I open my eyes and come slowly back to reality

The connections we make in this life are precious. Perhaps the most valuable commodity available to us. It's very brave of you to openly admit that you are afraid to put your heart on the line. There are a good deal of people who will tell you if the one you are writing about harms you or does wrong to you that you are too good for them. I propose this question to you. What if you were to confront the basis for your fear and tell yourself that whatever it may be is something you have since overcome and are superior to? And if you haven't then certainly with time and perspective you will. Writing is an excellent channel for this kind of emotion and you will watch as your experiences flow into your writing relieving of you all your torment and fear to be replaced with courage. A courage to think about yourself as worthy of others love, as everyone innately was born to be. It is only through fear that we isolate ourselves, blame ourselves, and live in inferiority. What makes anyone truly special or more deserving of love than another? Not a thing, and any one who would contest this is openly admitting that they are the very same creatures who struggle with the same fear as everyone else. I say this to you as one stranger to another.

You question me with insipid candor
As though it was worth an answer
Repeat the same deeds with silver tongue
A talented, insolent dancer
Do you not see the ripples and wakes
The wan smiles pasted on your son's face
Reflect just once on your mistakes
The painful sound your cadence makes
Crashing like waves as it's always been

I am forced to wayward roam alone
To receive my only splendor as obscene
I am cursed to despise anything my own
Until only perspective renders me clean
The strength within is all I've sought
Through years of patience finally bought
Destroyed in a second with one wrong thought
So I hold fast to what my numb heart has wrought
Wash away, and never let you in

Perhaps one day you'll breach the shore
As a man who relishes in serendipity
Abandoning everything else for whom he values more
Who trades an ocean of isolation for an epiphany
But until you know a man from a mouse
Until you know a lover from a spouse
Not until you know a child from a louse
Until then I'll be waiting for you at the lighthouse
*Waiting to call you Dad again

This is not a poem, but a message.
I believe you have the wrong person while regarding my poetry,
and I apologize for what you have been through.
However, I don't believe you know me or the person to whom my work has been dedicated to.
If I am wrong in my assumption, I ask you to contact me.
I want to talk with you if I'm who you are looking for

We started with our wounds and hearts turned askance
The dance began and turned to romance
Lying in the day sharing fantasy
When night fell bearing truth a sight to see

We grew and we bonded and ranted and raved
We sung and we shouted and cuddled and played
As the days went on I grew more dismayed
The fault in our stars had arrived, and there it stayed

So I cursed and screamed and pleaded and prayed
I reasoned and bargained and schemed and delayed
It wasn't long before you were exposed to that violence
So I made a decision. The last step was to leave you in silence

My love is more than passion
It's the connection and rapport
It's the manifesto cut in stone residing in my core
I will protect you and save you before you bleed any more

You are with me always
Though it seems i can't stay
I will see you always
As the one who got away
I will hear you always
Though not by the sound of your voice
You are missing to me always
As I did not give you a choice

I love you with all my heart
Which is why I have long since known
My life is a war that is tearing me apart:
The battle i must fight alone

Your call of love is only an echo. It's all but spent, yet I hear your intent- even with the final blow. All the talk of lost soft caresses frosts my mind's recesses. I can't help but stop and think. That moment.. is gone within the time of a blink. A soothing song that's dangerous when you sing along. It paralyzes. The compromises. Trying to hold on to what's already gone.

Time to move on. Save a breath for me when the pain comes strong knowing we weren't meant to be. It hurts now but doesn't compare with never fighting the curse. Vicious circles. Continuing a facade only made us worse. We were never really going where we landed. And I would rather die than survive here alone stranded. So carry me in fond memories that come around now and then.
                                                  
                                                                               I wish you the best,
                                                                        - Never to see you again

He is the Melting ***
Cast Iron
A dreamer of the day as Lawrence foretold
To even dare the possibility of revealing the old truth
Gives way to a long pause
A drawn in breath that if held in long enough will boil over
And before boiling over that whistle will demand attention
First and foremost

He says his name aloud and turns away
His mind bounding to the next grandiose idea
The next afformation to improve upon
The next trait to emulate
The next ideal

Never giving heed to the fire at his side
Making his insides churn
He cannot release what lies within
So he carries it around

Being Cast Iron
Yet there is only what he can do
Being Cast Iron
And all that he can be

The reason I left was not of your being
It was that side of you kept well hidden, not for seeing
The preliminary basis of a concealed fact
A genuine warning sign maintained with tact
It restrains your hands and demeans your worth
While contemplating the test next time around that you'll see Earth
Slender body in my arms but your vision is crying
A feeling so horrible to give up trying
Dying each day to be born anew
With Depraved Heart sentience for filling that shoe

At first in your voice I heard inspirational phrases
Peering through the rain for better weather phases
Fighting and twisting to match their ennui
But you bounded through all the reciprocity
Catching the vapor updraft with that shy grin
Remembering the skin you're wearing is genuine
You march to that drum beat sounding the lightning storm
Of A cold heart blowing in the wind, unaware that it's warm

So in breaking your heart you'll hear love again and take flight
Prance with every step and paint a newly blank canvas full of fight
The part of you crying, "missing puzzle piece hidden in plain sight!"
Is the very same light within you I've seen shine so bright
And know I came to realize by the end of this night...
The next day and Tomorrow are yours to write

Everyone learns that convalescence turns to evanescence when reheated bubbles rise into effervescence. Conflicts turn with ease from shame to blame and wrap back around afflicting and constricting the veins. Tension to dissension when your worst thoughts slide by the side taking every abide on their pretentious and demented path to divide. This lesson on entropy is no radical notion. But rather a fanatical description of raw emotion. The most important connections we build in this life will be tested redundant with an abundance of strife. Perfection is impossible, we must only continue to row. Our reflection is the garden that we inevitably grow. It begins at one moment by sowing a single seed. Reach out to someone feeling lonesome because truly we are all in need. Or try again with heart in hand and if you fear for wasted time...

I love you.
I forgive you.

These few words don't need to rhyme.

The stillness flooding the night is only lengthened
By the false strength and silence that I've taken
Confiding in old memories and young hope
While gasping for new life with stale smoke
My mind rewinds our scattered memory
On the porch outside where no one can see

-I've played my own deceit and I'm grasping for patience and relief

chorus

Do you remember how to smile
It fades away but only for the while
Next week finds what perspective lends
At least then we'll know when it all ends
What to wish for...

Your sudden entrance at my front door
Takes back the times we lost before
Please don't turn your heel and walk away
Though I conceal it my heart's still featured anyway
I can't pretend my life without you doesn't hurt
Today...

*
-So suddenly I'm filled with shame and I'm the only one to blame

Spark up my cancer stick as the mist rolls in
Enchanted as I sit on these steps
and catch water rivulets while holding my breath,
the smoke entwining with secrets I've shed
all the while cherishing the thought of shared bed.
My wicked streak no longer welcome here
there's no room in our nest for this shame in my chest
I find myself nourishing what hasn't happened yet,
flourishing the tender side of my soul in the dead of night
I sit here alone not cold, for beknownst to me,
my inner vision in sight, orange cones surround the scene,
that cannot obscure moonlight, oxygen growing in trees
and all the famed whispers cavorting with me
All congenial with our convictions,
this depiction of snow Winter sent has me lifted
Every fence i lean over has only meant that I see you
Spring sprouts as a human,
your hope makes me feel new
I've hit the ground running to pick up your pace,
but not for a second do I feel in a race
We have hit a harmonious stride,
and Dear I do find
that your words are the grace in this ephemeral place
I'm right beside you smiling because home is your face

If you're happy and you know it
Slit your wrists
Watch your blood drip down
To your fists

If you're happy and you know it
Stay away from THE zombie poet
If you're happy and you know it
Look out for Chris

It's not often I question my physical age
Until I hear my mental voice desperately trying to engage

Creation
Devastation
Obliteration
Condemnation
Is this
What Lincoln foretold
Of the emancipation proclamation?

All the silly banter
Combines with familiar cadence an echoing canter
Reveal to me the meaning of moon in Cancer
And erase that preordained connotation
I'm desperate in attempts for a proclamation
Evoke a melody on reminiscence and born anew
I shall not remiss for i walk in different shoes
While jiving along to the same melody of rhythm and blues
Reveling in the rowdy rock concert
Take a step with me and we can glide
Relocate the harrowing and relinquish my pride
I feel soap bubbles cleansing slowly
Rising inside
When i speak your true name
It can't be called upon only inspired by you
Inspiration is powerful from any perspective view
So let's rejoice in our wondering and wandering
And step through the flume
Patience is a virtue
Hold my hand because in truth
I only wish to walk with you

November 29th, 2014

Dear Chris:
  
I miss you dear, I'd like to say. Though it's been six months, thoughts of you are here to stay. My words turn to putty and I wish to form them like clay because there's so much to you I wish to convey. I've been traveling and unraveling the belt loops of life, and striding through gliding on ice skates from strife. I don't know if still I can sing the same tune. Our dreams from the Bay have been vexing me; perplexing me since June. The ring you gave me has my fingers swollen like my head, just like a balloon! And I don't know if it makes me sullen to confess when you asked for my hand, even hypothetically, I was to be your wife complete with white dress. Somewhere along the line that dream has changed. Though I feel that this letter was written selfishly. I really must say.. All I know is that I miss you Chris, I have missed you since May.

-Adeline

December 1st, 2014

Adeline:
   
I was wanton and flagrant when your letter was received. I was bounding and bursting; hardly contained in my seat. Your familiar fragrance beseeching my heart's conceit, and in your confidence said that you're missing me. Until the usual silence declares again it's already half past three. Time to wash away delusions that are causing my hope to reek.
Still..

Certainly there will be another chance to hear from you next week.

Mystery compels his curiosity,
and he's curious about everything like a child.
Revealing his ticking gears in a timely fashion.
He used to wear his passions and
his heart strung out on the sponge's sleeve,
But it only brought pain; deposition from grief

*So the gift I bereave to you from the ashes of the old me is someone honest and true, who takes chance's Pitfall into consideration. Scribing my words to you how a Phoenix sheds it's plumes. No more I love you's until I feel you saying I love you too.

The virtuous society Lost regulates overwhelming
                               DISTASTEFUL
                               Condescension
Depraved citizens all contained then become cynical
                                BREAKING
                                Reprehension
A mandate or suggestive guideline to think like a criminal

One taste and bang pounds the hammer
Sitting patiently seething with bedside manner...

Staring at the fix in my hands
I've been lost in a wonderful fantasy
It was never the plan but I developed schemes
I'm fighting the disease that wants me to drown
Plotting my escape when not a soul is around
Hoping never to be found again

With one decision I could let go
Mixing a cocktail of saliva and bliss
For one last show
Dancing in a wonderland wrought by disgrace
Leaving no trace after the chase
I'll finally close my eyes
As death's scythe sings me lullabies
The nightmare defaced

All the lies wrapping around my throat
The waste choking me, wishing to leave my lungs
Then I die
But life's mysteries just so happened by

The moment of decision
Fades to remission

Whispers it's leave on the breeze again
To return in a moment's time

Him:
I'd like to request that we take a digital snapshot,
not remember in black and white.
Our keen insight developing symphonies
Our harmonious future.
I need a piece,
I need the key to twist
Turn this defeating suture.

Her:*
It breaks my heart to see your disease.
In my bones I wish to mend your seams
I'd give you my lungs to let you breathe
To you my love I send
. . .But to me your soul is dead
I'd rather be friends instead

Derive your own meaning while poets stay dreaming and fat cats stay scheming...

A dame grown broken down spills her heart out with the blood she can't lend. My best friend has to get by on food stamps with a 9 to 5 to pay for his insulin. Diabetes ain't no joke and don't ask why they haven't provided a cure. It's a testament to how money talks while he endures the sufferin' for others to get at that comb of honey. Did I forget to mention, all y'all listening, that we're barely over twenty? Meanwhile my lil sis lies bedridden comatose while the doctors with fancy degrees shake their heads at this personal disease they can't diagnose. Young in the deteriorating body she was given while much older in all her pride, accepting what fate has dealt her with and knowin' peace inside.  Boast 'bout how you got diamonds in yo teeth, and how the welfare you're making is more than I get paid overtime to feed my fam, ILY. Lather, rinse, repeat, take a moment to be grateful for your bed. I'll take this hate raw and remember there are fates far worse than death. Not to sound pretentious, like we've taken worse blows than others who are stressin'. After all, the message that we wish to confide:
Every breath is precious, it matters what you do with your time, down to the last second.

I'm tired of writing poetry for all the desolate disgraces I see in this world. Homeless hit a peak of 2.5 million children country wide in this land of opportunity. How are you supposed to survive with no role models or daily inspiration? The lessons you cherish are when your next meal arrives, not waiting on your pension. Suspended through the thicket of all this strife, and they are the ones who are grateful day and night. The smallest hospitality does not pass through their ears while comfortable in the heat you're deciding which brand of beer to choose. Intoxicate yourself like your problems will just vanish while a little girl no more than four begs strangers for a sandwich. Then blame the victims for stealing your bits of gold, when all they wanted was a blanket to keep out of the cold.

Typing on a keyboard blindly imagining a new font
The scant canvas before me is intimidating
I relish the world I'm renovating
A new dawn gleaming it's way to my thoughts steady stream
Enchanting my mind like Aurora Borealis beams
It seems as though a victim was made by tracing lines through sand
Can it all be saved? Or is it a depraved, hopeless, sinking land?
Despondent while reciting lines my mind has bought
Simultaneously causing my blood cells to rot
Wishing for one blaze or spark of true inspiration

Pick up your tools and fix all you have wrought craven
Save it, reclaim it because no matter the end of this mess
You promised to light your candles entrenched in your best

The ****** of what my heart beats to in trance
Save one last Gypsy's moon dance for me
The once intoxicating chills now feel so *******
This wine drenched life is my last chance


Dear Sunshine:
There was a time when I wished that you would go away
Leave me to the hallow I burrowed myself in to keep me warm

Dear Starlight:
You left me with an eternal plight asking for your radiance to stay
When I feel the burn of your kiss catch the last flight

Dear Home:
Fallacy's throne upon which I sit left me conducive with fright
Until I learned how to fabricate sails out of wind and stones

Dear Family:
Can all of you see that even though I wayward roam
Snow leopards must protect ALL of those who are in need

Dear Friends:
I wish it didn't have to end, Sighing away the sown seeds
You live on by the ink on my skin as well as your mark that mends

Dear You:
Though I can't walk in your shoes, I'll trace the bends
...
and wind back around to lend you my heart in lieu

Dear Me:
All ahead that you perceive is binding together and tearing in two
...So tangible then are all the mad ramblings infinite
Said all the ephemeral wise men clearly.

The sunrise creeps up the hillside
Illuminating the Shadow ridge
Rejuvenating every color within a rainbow bridge
So iridescent and lively, Awaken all that is
Light spills through sullen remiss
Like perfume letters sealed with a kiss
Leaving the leaves of the trees only half shaded
Sated now until next we see our soul-stitched stars debated

This is the meeting place of a farewell embrace
The present relieves the past from the shadows disgrace
As yesterday races away leaving no trace
Crying be gone now
A new day is mine

Bestow on me majestic grace and sing me lullabies
I wish to revel in this beautiful space
Not level to the buzzing of greedy flies
This taken in with silent reflection
The day that time asked Why
I've seen this once, just once before,
Yet always in my dreams
This silence harrowing a muted rapport
My silent dreams of Nevermore

I wish to capture the strands of Light with vials so they'll be saved
and check this hindsight soon
Minus the pensive view as faded memories
and Darkness ensue
Intruding on my current's gentle sway

Bottle my dreams into penny-roll seams
and relinquish the dismay
It's what pain lends that builds strong men.
...Or at least that's what they say

Now scattered dreams on tethered beams
that once held the lantern
Salvation
Now dressings all withered; rotted; decayed;
-to reveal  the
Condemnation

And all the while in your mind's eye
Hundreds of miles away
Becomes the grim smile's wail
Like a dim Firefly's tail
or a fawn's capricious trail sold
So bold on it's heel!
When dawn reveals what THEY wish to convey

And if the rustling; bustling; craven;
-musical trees silent cadence disappeared
and was prosecuted, now Jaded
It was taken on volition none of it's own
and it's coy, inspiring, jubilant ways have all long since faded
Evanescence in essence entreat
Reveals countenance's yield:
Asylum or "Haven"
sealed by the messenger Raven's eternal heartbeat

I'd be content then with malice's malady
Rotund with lust for how I have dispirited thee
Hope for one moment, one moment Just
to scrape at the rust and know I am truly free
I'd ask for my kin to photograph this moment
To omit any confusion
I'd hold it close for I cherish it the most
When THEY boast of the grand illusion

And the echoes of children
Fallen from Grace
Trapped in Rapture nefarious
Too precocious for having known
this Forsaken place
Living in the Age of Aquarius

-Christopher  J. P.  Polizzi
November  5th, 2014
9:34 P.M.

Ash in my fire
Harness my desire
Cool my flames
This kind of martyrdom has caressed my soul
And at times i wish to be defamed
As insane as that sounds
The solid ground upon which I was standing has been shaken
Transfixed into a new vessel's identity dreaming
I wouldn't be lying if I said that I wish to run screaming
Though with the upgrades coursing my system redeeming
This thought is but fleeting
I wish to know,
do you see this flow clandestine in the making?
With only ephemeral woe,
the words I chose to toss on throes
can only meld into this conviction
For I must confess i look best unkempt
I feel that scruffy look whispers my hidden contempt
This life's diluted, sweet smiles all the while twisted and bent
Don't fret emotions spent now my dearest of loves
I hear a sigh from my brethren above
As they watch me write lines on parchment
inclined to my predisposition
Listen to me now dear, it is not conditioned
and the furthest from fiction
As pretentious as it sounds
I get shivers
With simultaneous joy
As I see your eyes glisten

Push that button and let the rush in
As your face flushes, voices tussle

amid the existing cacophony

Pick it up, consider it, or push it aside
Because all or any of that **** should not hinder your stride
And no resonance of putrid residue left inside

Because you are of you
And THAT makes you beautiful

Whether demonstration be of lines or dance
I can feel how your gestures entrance
So don't let anything, not one thing fall to chance

Consternation will not best you.

Disdainful looks of scorn unfortunately adorn this fallible world
We learn to accept this, as for them, they can sit and twirl
Because I can hear that nothing will stop this girl

It's best not to step

He thought long and pondered why
Tricking snakes are composed of rose's vines
It's been once before he heard this rhyme
"Can a clock truly erase the time?
When time is but a fabrication set in line
Midnight strikes once if we're lucky"

..and he's heard the chime

He's saving grace, but who is it for?
An open window reveals the closed door
Sat alone with Poe, and the Plutonian shore
He never implied, yet yielded more
And wary now that once before
His heart had sung
But nevermore

He thought

'I must be in a dream.'
Doubting, feigning, proclaiming this obscenity
Yet still burns the daunting question..
*'Famed whisper, play with me.
Shame me, maim me, tame me,
let us cavort as cohorts
Ever so jauntily.
Daunt me, taunt me, haunt me,
take me gaunt and bare..
Bestow on me, throe on me,
unveil this absolutely there.
Now grant this plea, take my words with heed,
enchant this melody I doth hear.
Any jest would be cruel at best
For I truly hold this dear
Revive within what once has been
My faith in the unseen
I ask of thee, I do implore
Save me from this nevermore
Such a marvelous spectacle
N'er again vacate my receptacle
Adorn thyself as would a wreath
This world is formed of plastic
And porcelain
Yet there you sit
And breathe.'

To make love is the very idea of conception
The act.
The play.
The romance has borne anew
Born.
Touching on the impossible, two individuals whispering
to the ethereal realm
Asking upon those who wish to occupy the same space
At the same time
Together
With yearning and passion, minds embrace the soft voice
Calling out.
Traversing into the deep abyss with only hope
that light will guide the path
Not only unscathed, but embraced
Travelers who know nothing but
Their irrepressible curiosity
Instinct
Innate within and demanding to be felt
calls the voice of the child that once was.
Within two lives
Two heartbeats
Two strands of DNA
Entirely new life


*And the echo to come of creation

This love of mine is captivating
Like fiction
In the evening my wish to the sky...
An ultimate depiction
Of love with grace
A high with no addiction
Limitless bounds and...
No lingering restriction
happening to wander by

I wish to enrapture her
with intoxicating cheer!
My gaze shall never refrain
and certainly not leer
So I ask you please...
Don't ever let her shed a tear
This girl should not cry
My last request...
Grant her sheer
Blissful peace
Her story is told in rapid succession
Yet with her pace there's no timely regression
She continues to fly

Sinking on my knees...
Head bowed to you who listens
I plea...
Don't relinquish my love
Only save her from me...

*Her parents warned her about drugs on the streets
But not of the ones with brown eyes
And heartbeats

"Be that as it may"
A stifling phrase
With every good intention
Wants peace to cease the cacophony
But most often yields
Dissension

"Kids sure are growing larger these days!"
"Drug abuse is hardly seen!"
"My eyes view only opaque haze...
from the awing abundance of trees!"
"Not a soul took their life this year!"
"And not one harassed for being queer!"
"Bullying?
What is this word you say?"

"My son is not known for
deceiving tricks,
or time spent in various prisons!"
"My daughter is not known
by her shade of lipstick,
in fact, when she speaks
everyone listens!"

"Not one reason to lock your door!"
"Avarice defamed, people are content with less,
rejoicing graciously for!"
"Did you hear of the major contribution
Of food for the poor?"
"I took a moment to watch water drops glisten"

"Predisposed judgements?
Don't make me laugh."
"Ink on the skin is an expression,
and a craft!"
"Those holes in their skin?
That just means they seek more!"

"It never occurred to me
To speak not the truth!"
"My government provides safety
without being uncouth"
"In fact, the president's never aloof
He's stern in his convictions!"

"Our troops have returned
from what they're calling
'the unnecessary war!'"
"BP oil are hanging their heads
to the floor!"
"And all marine life scrambling to shore,
don't worry, with this sanctuary, we be hoof"*


These things were heard on opposite day
And unless thoughts stray
They'll remain this way.
Don't let it waste, or let it fray
Because it matters right here, right now
Today