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One taste and bang pounds the hammer
Sitting patiently seething with bedside manner...

Staring at the fix in my hands
I've been lost in a wonderful fantasy
It was never the plan but I developed schemes
I'm fighting the disease that wants me to drown
Plotting my escape when not a soul is around
Hoping never to be found again

With one decision I could let go
Mixing a cocktail of saliva and bliss
For one last show
Dancing in a wonderland wrought by disgrace
Leaving no trace after the chase
I'll finally close my eyes
As death's scythe sings me lullabies
The nightmare defaced

All the lies wrapping around my throat
The waste choking me, wishing to leave my lungs
Then I die
But life's mysteries just so happened by

The moment of decision
Fades to remission

Whispers it's leave on the breeze again
To return in a moment's time
Gravity come back
Or leave me suspended
Masks and mirrors
Images defaced
Replace the smile under the sun
I want star light
Or just leave it somewhere
Reflection has gone away
Just don't vanish
While there's still tension
Don't pull it back
If only until the morning light
My apathy
I'm sitting on the porch taking in the scene's reflection
I freeze time to admonish myself of the moment's perfection
Astonished by the serene vestige of a complete life
Molded by time, patience, virtue, and strife
My daughter Jacqueline holds a flower in hand
And bolts towards me as I pretend to stand
Then catching me exclaims "you won't win this race!"
As I lift her up to me she plants a kiss upon my face
With a wistful innocence she places the rose in my hair
Closes her eyes and whispers "I love you everywhere."
"No matter where, I love you too, my darling Jacqueline"

Beyond oceans and streams and everything in between

Then my beautiful bride steps outside
Clutching the next miracle on the way
There's something she wishes to tell me
But her words I can not relay
I am suddenly stricken with a pain in my chest
They look down upon me and shout "you know what is best!"
But the voice I hear is distinctly my own
"It is by your choice that you remain alone"
The finale like an overture orchestrates my malady
I open my eyes and come slowly back to reality
It's so much easier to be the "bad man." This poem is dedicated. This is the reality I paint. This is the beautiful reality, apropos to nothing, because I will never let it be...

I will always love you Lunar Luvnotes
I'm sick of everything being so

Sick of repetitive
Sick of the space in between
Being filled with a sedative
What's left for remarks
Has lost all it's spark
And any chance to turn and dance
Now contemplated as a farce

No swimming in the let go
Too perplexed with the undertow
And a personal perpetual head hunt
That conceptually returns
Then comes and goes.
I scream. Can I stop carrying these Boulders?
It seems the second
I relax my shoulders
Is the very instant that my desolate Impending doom smolders

I test tracing lines to vent my crimes But the paper seems like a stranger
My last confidant left to respond
Was taunting this balled up anger

"It would have never happened
If you weren't distracted.
And paid a little attention
And gave a little practice.
Your talent has been squandered.
Your very soul grows cold
Like an overlaundered actress.
Maybe if you spent some time to write and rhyme you'd have something
To show for it
Maybe if you weren't a voodoo doll Filled with push pins
In that instant you wouldn't blow it.
Maybe if you had the patience
To plant that seed you could grow it.
And instead of extinguishing
The first sign of a spark or fire
You would just know it."

It's like being caught in an interview Between the lie you tell yourself
And the distant truth
And the web you weave
Has too many deviations
And you grow confused
You grow tired and old
And feel just as abused

Then a simulated head rush it seems
With two strokes of the pens brush
Can softly whisper sweet things
While your cheeks turn to red blush
Then comes back around
To bite you like a viper
When you realize you grew Complacent and despise to
Naturally get hyper
The life you could have then
Gradually escapes the vice
Of your fingers
And here's the final zinger
That kind of sentiment will linger

The hallowed out version of you Stepping in to be the ringer
When all you ever feel is to reveal That you're actually a singer
That you actually have more talent Than most in your little finger
If you could just stop getting caught up In what was brought up,
What he said she said
And all those things
That make you malinger

So wake me up when it's all over
Get me off this roller coaster
Take me away to that sweet place Where I was younger
A time when I was funny and bold
And filled with hunger
Let me ******* dreams
With not a wasted moment
Teach me to fill this space
Even while I make a small dent
This poem is dedicated to Eric Adams
Partially Revised 19 Aug 21
I catalog events with a subtle, ulterior pretense
Describing the notorious infamy in all the events
And anything characterized, inspiring, and bold
Makes a story unfold in the real time it's told
I am snowblind and need defibrillation to wake up
Either my heart turned cold or has simply had enough

The ferry fan dreamboat has only so inadequately found
That as I feel my orienting response record the time down
It is not truly me who was looking around
Though I can pinpoint the exact moment that I drowned
The only lingering product of me absolutely remaining
Is the aftermath of my angina so ever restraining
Never complaining until the sound of the trigger
Then I'll be adamant to describe that noise with vigor
Though rigorous it may be, I will try, I might even with some tact
And let you in one last time presenting only fact.
I stepped away and left this place while presently in line
The sentence was one more time for the last time
And then you said goodbye

I was watching all the while a vapor on the scene
And I felt myself lose oxygen with no production in my spleen
My blood does not perfuse in that bilateral moment of blame
How can I let asystole clamp and constrict my cowed red vein?
How could I dilate the cause of my shame?
How could I love my life in the rain?

The simple reason I was experiencing tinitus...
I found out all connections were lies
Like a manufactured virus
Love was a prescription with doses written in ink
With no distinction and no response I could not think
With no recompense or recognition I felt my larynx shrink

I was only dumbfounded so I took to my reflexes
Handpicking a numb tendency to fill my recesses
But it only drains you and me and leaves a hole behind
I'm nowhere near magical so it's power cannot rewind
If so inclined I'll tap my spine and steer it all back
But I don't feel you anymore
*Only this heart attack
This poem is dedicated to anyone who loses a piece of themselves every time someone truly special walks away.
During lonely moments
You will solemnly reflect
Upon the endeavor of this vocation
To be dependable
When answering The Call for help

Righteously, it is assumed that vested within our intentions may be a demonstrative, direct altruism, allegiance, and adherence to a virtuous disposition.

However, this would in fact be indicative remotely of self-righteousness

Those who walk this path
Will never know a peak
Or a crest to achieve
For you are never over
And you are never through
When trying to be
Someone special

Rejoice in understanding
That it is within the arduous journey
That you may be granted
The less than prestigious
Yet priceless reward
Known as perspective
To the girl who told me that I saved her life somewhere below the equator.
Written September 3rd, 2020
Typing on a keyboard blindly imagining a new font
The scant canvas before me is intimidating
I relish the world I'm renovating
A new dawn gleaming it's way to my thoughts steady stream
Enchanting my mind like Aurora Borealis beams
It seems as though a victim was made by tracing lines through sand
Can it all be saved? Or is it a depraved, hopeless, sinking land?
Despondent while reciting lines my mind has bought
Simultaneously causing my blood cells to rot
Wishing for one blaze or spark of true inspiration

Pick up your tools and fix all you have wrought craven
Save it, reclaim it because no matter the end of this mess
You promised to light your candles entrenched in your best

The ****** of what my heart beats to in trance
Save one last Gypsy's moon dance for me
The once intoxicating chills now feel so *******
This wine drenched life is my last chance

Dear Sunshine:
There was a time when I wished that you would go away
Leave me to the hallow I burrowed myself in to keep me warm

Dear Starlight:
You left me with an eternal plight asking for your radiance to stay
When I feel the burn of your kiss catch the last flight

Dear Home:
Fallacy's throne upon which I sit left me conducive with fright
Until I learned how to fabricate sails out of wind and stones

Dear Family:
Can all of you see that even though I wayward roam
Snow leopards must protect ALL of those who are in need

Dear Friends:
I wish it didn't have to end, Sighing away the sown seeds
You live on by the ink on my skin as well as your mark that mends

Dear You:
Though I can't walk in your shoes, I'll trace the bends
and wind back around to lend you my heart in lieu

Dear Me:
All ahead that you perceive is binding together and tearing in two
...So tangible then are all the mad ramblings infinite
Said all the ephemeral wise men clearly.
This has to be one of my worst poems ever
My cell phone lights up
Its my friend George:
Come back to the hospital Chris
You cannot afford to miss this

I stare at my withered face a little longer
in the mirror
My reflection has been torn asunder
I look tired, unfit to wear the uniform
thrown under my desk
Combing my hair, checking my teeth
I allow this present demon to dissipate
Amongst the broken tendrils
of haunting thoughts
And a horrible screaming cacophony

Meeting my gaze and preparing
for whatever the weather
has become outside
Pulled by a premise of the reprisal
to my fantasy
Perhaps the length of this silence
Is actually foreshadowing a miracle
I believe

I'm led by the shadows
of alternate realities
Harnessing the power to stifle this sequestering doubt
and all my fears
As I shut the door, I walk with footsteps
That imagine running to greet you
Holding you tight and holding back tears
As if it was the first time I'd meet you

I strengthen my resolve
It brings me pain to revolve
My strained thoughts
Around fairy tales
All the while Jacoby Shaddix is echoing
'She loves me not'
My third eye blind pushes me in
'The background'
And simultaneously, I tell myself
'Keep the soul, that's control'

I feel my heart pounding in my chest
Beads of sweat trace the lines of my palms
Because I know that if I had seen her today
I could leave everything else behind
It would all be beautifully different
Instead I receive the most disappointing news this week

Because I've learned that when the difference between
What you know and what you believe
Is rubbed in your nose and laid at your feet
Even that cupcake...
And everything else is bittersweet
In retrospect, this poem makes me ashamed. But I keep it up because it was a real moment that I lived. Its power can not be denied, so keeping it here will serve as a reprimand
My zeal and consumption
Reveal the dysfunction
While determining each compunction Attained from my blind spot

There's no restraint
Only beligerant justification
Of how you somehow fit
Into the conducive picture
When I'm caught

And because I can't see it
I remain elusive
Telling you where the shoe fits
Telling you what the truth is
All the while preaching
That I'm so introspective
And also failing to ascertain
My own negligence

Sabotaging everything that I have
When I'm left feeling bad
By some kind of red flag
Raising false alarms
Sounding like the war
In my pin cushion heart

If I listened
I'd hear your quiet
Dismissive confessions
Instead of invisible projections
And the lies I tell myself
That have become manifested

If I had to guess
I'm sweating for fear of rejection
Yet you didn't even raise that question
It's the guise under which I hide
For protection
Revealing my true colors

I need to stop being so defensive
Of my never ending cycle
And take heed
That what's been (them)
Is merely ashes in the wind
While this (us) is revival
Written 20JUL20 @ 4:36 AM
I was born a gentle soul
Reformed with an old jovial wisdom
Which was corrupted by the first attack
Stripped of my candor and left to meander
Until a visceral skin latched to my back

I watched my rivet dreams vicariously
All the while from side scenes
Spending time refining the premise
The fine hemmed edges
Were sharp yet crude
When tuned to this percentage

The very root of metamorphosis
Became an epitome of what I am
While walking a tight rope
Of Hope's chokehold
Invoking me to stand
Forcing me to look down
With nowhere to land

Echoes of mediocrity only fuel my drive
Staving fires from mere survival
Into the desire to thrive
While every injustice withers and dies
I bide my time refining my form
While the perfect storm subsides

The strengths I hide
Preside just beneath the surface
A revival impulse is convulsive therapy
Leaving me resolute within my purpose

Uncouth is the pretense
To claim and obtruding suspense
Whilst I am colluding and fearful
Whether I reminisce or remain pensive
The time has come to be cheerful

The only power over me
Is what I allow to reside
And keep me preventive
So if I choose to stay inside
It's because I'm designing
The next in line incentive

After I've repented
The only indefatigable witness
To my truth is me and God
And at times I ask myself
Will I know the blister's burden
Or fabricate a facade?
Her red roses have thorns
Her black demons surreptitiously lie
It's like witnessing good flora be dissolved
By potassium hydroxide
The only trouble with her is this:
All the while she is looking inside
With a magnifying glass
For each and anything amiss
I'm viewing her with a kaleidoscope

Yet I magnify the intensity of her colors
While she resides within
Her fractured self-image
But she's metamorphic
Beneath that stress and pressure
These tests cause duress
And weigh heavy burdens
Upon her chest

Yet instead of diamonds
She produces a blue sapphire
Something a little brighter
To which she can hold on tighter
I hope the load feels a little lighter
As I throw my rope in
And climb down there with her

Picture us collecting leaves
With hearts on sleeves
Forming jewels, relief swelling our heads
Instead of the familiar usual ache
Of wondering fools

Let's weave and wind our own designs
And leave the threaded webs
Of past mistakes behind
To the point in time
Where pressing rewind isn't so lonely
Stones can be cold, or shine like silver
Because we both know that gold
Is cheap and phony

But not the heart of the ocean
Deep with devotion
A jewel of eternal love
With Blue Sapphire eyes
I will light up your dark skies
And reveal to you the stars above
This poem is dedicated to the brightest light in the room. I love you.
Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to stay alive
I'm sorry that I lied
I'm sorry that I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try

Take me down to the breaking point
Where I soften and forget
All about disappointing you
Or what could be misconstrued
Disestablished, or casually deflected

For still I watch helplessly
As camoflauge intercepts my language
I can hide and be strange
Or pleasant and fake
But it doesn't make us any less estranged
Yet when I'm pretending
There's no mending my mistakes
Because they break us
Like a fault line when the earth quakes

When the message you're sending
Is much too diplomatic
I need to feel the pressure rising
I need a triumph of humanity
Static rolling through my fingers
Charging my frozen feet as I linger
On those last choice words of yours
Retorting lightning fire out of my mouth
My ears still ringing
From the weight of their impact

Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to feel alive
I'm sorry if I lied
I'm sorry that I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try

I can be so condescending
Like my response to your questions
Are forever pending
Another moment in time
But I can't pretend
Like I'm some mysterious riddle
I try to be clear and keep things civil
I try to disappear
Only with me in the middle
My broken heart is simple
Which makes me a criminal

It's never enough
I'm sorry that's too much
Stealing my serene
Leaving me unclean
And never free
Deceit ultimately leaving me
To my heart's lonesome conceit

Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to stay alive
I'm sorry that I lied
I'm sorry if I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try
The stillness flooding the night is only lengthened
By the false strength and silence that I've taken
Confiding in old memories and young hope
While gasping for new life with stale smoke
My mind rewinds our scattered memory
On the porch outside where no one can see

-I've played my own deceit and I'm grasping for patience and relief


Do you remember how to smile
It fades away but only for the while
Next week finds what perspective lends
At least then we'll know when it all ends
What to wish for...

Your sudden entrance at my front door
Takes back the times we lost before
Please don't turn your heel and walk away
Though I conceal it my heart's still featured anyway
I can't pretend my life without you doesn't hurt

-So suddenly I'm filled with shame and I'm the only one to blame
This is my first attempt at song writing in a very long time.
It was inspired by the song 'The Background' by Third Eye Blind, those who haven't heard it should listen. I can only hope that one day I could write such powerful words as are in that song. Hyphen indicates bridge and asterisk the chorus. This may be incomplete. Gotta pick something on the ol' gitar fer it.
I'm missing all the lively surprises
Bright places
You never come running to find
When I'm not caught looking
At the aftermath left from behind
The passing time would simply fly
When I'm lying listless in bed
Instead of being trapped there for hours
While wrapped inside of my head

I am holding on unsteady
To your already gone
That song played on repeat
The same one that saved me
"There must be something in the water"
Before tears descend my cheek
I don't want you to hear
A sudden drawn in breath
Breaking my thin veneer

I fear something coveted escaped
From my parted quivering lips
Like a whisper too soft
Lost from grasping fingertips
It hits only once
Then gets tossed in the mix
Because I'm guilty
Of letting myself reminisce

My two cents is my refrain
Because I let in bliss
And found you yet again
Persisting we weren't meant
But only for the big empty

Turns out I'm not who you're looking for
On top of the ledge
I'm the lemon wedge
Twisted and dripping
Into your open wounds

The truth is I don't live
Within these precious
Ephemeral moments
I only bear witness
To what I've missed
The instant dismissed

And I'm so lonely.
I was looking forward
To finally come home to you
Because I'm tired of roaming
The world is a cold place
When nobody knows me

I thought if only...
You wanted to know me too

You'd be my only exception, my paramore
And I already know that's not the story
You spelled it out with ink from your heart
And your own closed door...
Anyways, I'm sorry to implore

And for finding all of your bright places
I thought I'd be the luminous candle
To dispel your concealed dark
Instead of revealing empty spaces
"Feels like we're on the edge right now. I wish that I could say I'm proud. I'm sorry that I let you down." The highlighted quote is borrowed from Lewis Capaldi.

Written 06/28/2020
I'm starting to collect bug bites
And they sure hurt a bunch
But at least it's not delusional
Which was my first hunch
Something random.
Talk to me about finding happiness
When you've got nothing else to eat
Talk to me about choosing to smile
When you're losing every mile
Grinding and unwinding
By the skin of your ***** teeth

Talk to me about working full time
When no money is made
And forget getting laid!
Talk to me about exercise
When the rest of your life
Is spent inside all day

Talk to me about making decisions
When your various synonyms
Mean little to nothing
Creating minimal difference
Literally it's the victim learning
To step outside of the prison box
Listening to your inhibitions
While filling your mind with self-talk

The waking life of daily decisions
How you can verse them
Rehearse them
And then learn with precision
How to carefully
Collectively craft
Your very own vision

But the minimum preliminary basis
Is that you have to be free
You can't be stuck in a cage unheard
Left with nothing further to be
You can't be three fingers short
Pretending the keys that you see
Aren't dangling from an olive branch
That's just out of reach
The very notion loses motion perpetually
Until you're all alone in the ocean

Eventually when you're banned
And barred and feeling diseased
There's only two ways to return
Time and terminally
So don't look to me
Wondering why I'm stuck in a ditch
When you're the one that can leave
You delusional *****
For all of you optimists
Pick up the phone for a dial tone
While alone for the first time
With a knife to your neck
You express how echoes affect your life
Never once do you hear from the other side
I self destruct you press your luck and replay lost time

There's no break in the wake of my silence
Now you hate that I'm late to the violence
This mistake, our new fate has crossed through
What is lost, what it cost, but ain't really nothing new
Nothing new

Oh! Cara, Cara baying blood
Cleanse yourself from tracking mud
Hear me out, I think you should
Crying never did no good
Take the blade from your hand
Throw it up and take a stand
In between the lines you read
Rooting vines can't hide your greed
You deceive all the tricks
Laughing as you get your fix
Turn around placing blame
Shivering from all your shame
This is an attempt at song writing for me with a punk theme. Cara Cara starts the chorus and will most likely be used twice
Cassi is soon found sleeping
Snoozing to soothing dreaming
The sound of thunderstorms
Keeping her tucked in and warm
Just before the day's retreat
After every last demon's defeat
She crosses her heart and hopes to keep
Then she wakes up once more

She's always tired of the never ending
Forever deceitful and cruel sun setting
The last unicorn forlorn and despondent
From all that transpired
And how she responded

She feels left alone within the shell
From her former glory
This private hell with a tragic story
No alibis with idle categories
Can reform her broken immortality

Yet her mighty veneer
Will soon be restored
If only as soon as Schmendrick is ready
Or Prince Lir reminds her of the magic
Beset within her weary heart
She's never forgetting
She's not the last of her kind
Because that's not her ending

You said to hold on

Because you're a little unsteady
While the color in your eyes
I won't be forgetting
No matter the trail or dissent
Tufted footfalls lead while treading
I'm right beside you
Whenever you're ready
This is dedicated. Written beginning 05/17 and finished 05/19/20
He is the Melting ***
Cast Iron
A dreamer of the day as Lawrence foretold
To even dare the possibility of revealing the old truth
Gives way to a long pause
A drawn in breath that if held in long enough will boil over
And before boiling over that whistle will demand attention
First and foremost

He says his name aloud and turns away
His mind bounding to the next grandiose idea
The next afformation to improve upon
The next trait to emulate
The next ideal

Never giving heed to the fire at his side
Making his insides churn
He cannot release what lies within
So he carries it around

Being Cast Iron
Yet there is only what he can do
Being Cast Iron
And all that he can be
If you're happy and you know it
Slit your wrists
Watch your blood drip down
To your fists

If you're happy and you know it
Stay away from THE zombie poet
If you're happy and you know it
Look out for Chris
inspired by the latest weight watchers commercial
You're a mean one
Mr. *****
You really are an eel
You're as affable as cancer
And your laughter doesn't stick
Mr *****
You're a two bit phony
One trick pony with...
Little to no *** appeal!

You're a shyster
Mr. *****
Your mark's a hallow roll
Your game is pulling wires
Framing "liars" is your goal
Mr *****
You have all the elusive fleeting of a
twice repeating
CEO board meeting!

You're a sly one
Mr. *****
You have silver on your teeth
You have all the slender slickness
Characteristics of deceit
Mr *****

Given the choice between you and cancer it may take me a while to answer but I think that I would rather take my chances with the....
Always wanted to do this one. I do not own any of the rights to this original work which belongs to Dr. Seuss but you all know that it's meant to be read with that rhyme scheme in mind.
I'd like to request that we take a digital snapshot,
not remember in black and white.
Our keen insight developing symphonies
Our harmonious future.
I need a piece,
I need the key to twist
Turn this defeating suture.

It breaks my heart to see your disease.
In my bones I wish to mend your seams
I'd give you my lungs to let you breathe
To you my love I send
. . .But to me your soul is dead
I'd rather be friends instead
The latest development
Let the resin of my pain be the fan to my flame
And introduce new and old ways for me to feel
Complete me. For I am only incomplete
While forgetting how You came to save me
My goal is still in sight
It only feels hundreds of miles away
I now know that I love myself, for I wish me good
Allow my actions to do good for others
Let me save them
In this way I know many more things precious
Grant me strength and courage to work within You
My God
My compassion and my love will be my ultimate strength
And I am thankful of a reminder of who I can be
I never knew how lost I was until I found God. Now I live every day to do His work. He has saved my life. I wish to be grateful and remain humble
Tip Your hat
And curtsy low
The masses so mandate absolute guile
A handshake, a smile, a proper and refined bow!
To adorn thy head and semble wit
And do your best!
Take pride with etiquette
If not informed
Ye won't last a mile
And differentiation between animals distinguishes you,
Resplendent child
Wash your hair and underclothes with soap
Lest ye resemble sow
And goodness dear
Have I forgotten now?
Always remember to smile!
So I'll take your Winter clothes with zest
I'll scramble on point
No unruly mess
Oh, did i forget your coat?
No, I've got it, relax, care for a smoke?
My apologies, please forgive my latency
It must be warm in here for my blood
In fact...
Boiling over kettle within
Prevent me from committing sin
I do wish to vent
Pick up this pen
And release red wells from his dainty, fragile neck
The underbelly. It's beknownst to me entrails are thick
Now whatever shall I do with this fresh clutter?
I'll act for free, so cordially!
With my chivalrous lines
But can you, my friend, respond in kind?
After all, it's only common courtesy
It's over now, my fantasy
It dissipates with urgency
And this is my confession
Imbibed in me from every grueling, tedious lesson
An implication of uniformity
The daydreams borne from the perfunctory
This is for anyone who has ever worked in the retail industry. As politely as you can possibly express it.
October 20th, 2010

Dear Future Me:
As each day passes, you will think of a way
Through ups and downs to travel
New words shall walk your way
As dreams unfold
But never allow sleep, or your lacking
any Ambiguity
And so I say unto you
That this message be relayed
Until the hands on the clock
Stand still
When the Spectacular
Spectacle Labyrinth draws nigh
Lift your head up, kid
And remember the sky
This was a letter transcribed in code from an old journal of mine. The idea was inspired by the Thousand Suns album by Linkin Park.
People commit suicide when their soul is dehydrated
When thoughts outside a solid wall can not be gyrated
All embers grow cold and vacant like they've been sedated
Or maybe caved in because once inflated to a certain extent
There's no room to be sated when only knowing wicked intent
A body needs to be caressed and let a broken bone mend
To make it flexible and elastic -first shown how to bend
It's nothing fantastic but merely a lesson on how to cope
How to watch yourself rebound from any and all hope
How to break down and realign then redesign the entire mind
Seeing being beaming retreating
screaming at you
with NOTHING inside

And how that harrowed hole bores into how you're defined
And how time is the only place left to fill an empty space
So hollow at this point it feels like it can just be replaced
The following revolutions come one second at a time
If you can't find the courage for evolution
You're destined to rewind
It manifests as a habit building pressure in your mind
Until one day what's filled up has pressed your luck
Because guess what? it was the same as the last grind

The only healthy circle comes from an innate sense of being
When you reach within all you've been and all that you are seeing
And when you find the epitome of all that you have sought Remember all in practice & nothing that lasts is bought Overcoming tragedy found through glory and no retreat
While marching to the sound of your heart's personal drumbeat Will be lost to you over and again yet returns at a single thought It's no predisposition but practiced, understood, then conditioned When you open your ears and truly listen

Not all times do diamonds glisten.
No footprints are left behind without a vision.
No wisdom is borne without decision.
Nothing changes without remission.
No fault is known without admission.
No script was written without revision.
No skill ever mastered without precision.

So when you spend time wondering how things could have been different.

You'll do yourself a favor instead wondering what it all meant.
Capturing what you want to see
In the shattered picture frame
Putting the pieces together on your own Wearing rose tinted shades
Hearing your own jovial melody
To the song that's out of tune
Talking yourself through
The same familiar feeling in your room
You'd find flowers there
And be better prepared
If you only saw them bloom

If only you listened
They'd tell you what's missing
In your spaces in between
And how you're the only one
When all is said and done
Who still waits and believes

Your faith is mistaken
Your pain is misshapen
Forever replacing
Another clever ruse
For you're only delusional
And never fooling anyone else
When you think you get to choose
Written 05Jul20 @1130 CST
The sunrise creeps up the hillside
Illuminating the Shadow ridge
Rejuvenating every color within a rainbow bridge
So iridescent and lively, Awaken all that is
Light spills through sullen remiss
Like perfume letters sealed with a kiss
Leaving the leaves of the trees only half shaded
Sated now until next we see our soul-stitched stars debated

This is the meeting place of a farewell embrace
The present relieves the past from the shadows disgrace
As yesterday races away leaving no trace
Crying be gone now
A new day is mine

Bestow on me majestic grace and sing me lullabies
I wish to revel in this beautiful space
Not level to the buzzing of greedy flies
This taken in with silent reflection
The day that time asked Why
I've seen this once, just once before,
Yet always in my dreams
This silence harrowing a muted rapport
My silent dreams of Nevermore
Collaboration inspired by Lunar Love Notes and a very interesting 37 hours to follow
I'm at the borderline
Between suicide and anger
Rage fills my veins
Until pain displaces hate
With fate sometimes interlaced

The confines of closed doors
And shattered dreams
Bringing memories and stinging lies
Behind my eyes
Before I sleep

Thoughts are cheap
And each preaching adamant to proclaim
That nothing can tame the victim
Or hero placed inside my shame

Can't maintain
In fact I'm barely surviving
I used to have epiphanies
But now there's only whisperings
Of how I'm dying
In an effort to preserve a solitary strand of consciousness laced with conscientiousness that I can only describe as the lingering remnants of hope within me, I'd like to take the time to catalogue this lonely thought amidst an overwhelming, unwanted, and relentless cacophony.

Sometimes, even within the most ludicrous events or wanderings of the mind we can find a moment of gratitude or humble ourselves to then change our perspective
-however briefly.

Think about how tirelessly a phone speaker or any electronic device for that matter works to provide as a source of consistent entertainment, comfort, and support (depending on how you utilize your devices). Yet the minute it breaks or fails, we viciously attack it for having failed us; chastising, deploring, and implementing our derogatory sleights once it deviated outside of its expectancy. Negating the circumstances previous in which it has been right there to provide what we desired or needed in real time.

The same thing can be applied to how we treat each other. It is vital to remember if we feel that someone has failed us to simultaneously recall how many times they have been there when we needed them. And most importantly forgive them the faults of their human condition while gaining the ability to recognize those very faults within ourselves. Approach with understanding, share wisdom, and spread compassion as you tread. Even if the circumstances do not fall in kind with you. The reason behind your pain, confusion, and suffering is so that you'll know when the good times come. "What you are, I once was. What I am, so you will become."
Once I had a dream that I'd found Elysium
My convictions were beyond reproach
Placing restraints on my silver tongue
I approached a well and drank of it deep
I'd lose sleep within the stirrings of each ripple
Convincing myself the reflection I saw was me
And that we were together in that shallow water

Now I'm responsible for my perdition
Because I tell lies before I close my eyes
And as I fall into this subtle remission
I'll surely drown
On my own, without a sound
Smiling as I feel my lifeless body sink
Because once I had a dream that I'd found Elysium

But it was just a dream
Still a dream
Only a dream
Haunting me
We exchange phrases in the dark
Like playmates turned confidants
That needed a necessary spark
To release a subtle vulnerability

While my own heart goes crazy with this longing, festering desire
Unsightly circumstances that are shallow and pedantic
Helpless to the careful method
In which your soft voice enraptures me

If I paid attention
Suspended my voice of reason
I'd end up searching for a branch to connect us that bears no fruit
For attraction is aloof
And ever fleeting

And it's been years since we met
With nothing in between
No lover's dreams connecting us
All that comes from me on impulse
Is lust
As you lay enveloped in young covers
And I in forgotten rust

I lay here on my cowardly spine
Tracing lines through memories
Attempting to control the feelings overwhelming me
I'm Lovecraft's outsider
Who fell off the face of the earth once looking upon his reflection
My clever deception that forever keeps me second guessing

Here comes another confession
As we lay discussing seemingly ethereal dreams
You tell me surreptitiously
About your hatred for concession stands
And breach this tension
That broke my mind's sinful schemes

You're such a good friend
Lying in bed and taking the time
To engage in a real discussion
All the while I'm fighting to control how my face is blushing

I'm definitely attracted but I wouldn't hold that sentiment
So I sit with a preventative
Dose of rationale designed to corral all these untethered caprices

It's like a fascist demands to make a statement
While a whimsical, dying romantic sates himself in a debate
I don't ever ask questions to get the answers I'm looking for
When all it takes is a turn of phrase
Or an upturned twitch in cheek
Which leaks so much more than mere words can say

I appreciate you for the jovial tune your voice gives away
It brings me forward from self-deprecation and the drama Towards honesty

I value your pleasant enthusiasm while the lights are off
That dissipates my impure thoughts
It puts me in a righteous place
Until the break of dawn when we can see our faces
And once again adorn our individual reliefs

You've confided in me more than what others get to see
Life has been rough and even though I'm lingering
Longing for your touch
Your careful words mean so much
And truly I think it's enough
After re-editing, this poem describes the small pleasures that I can take from a heart to heart conversation about anything or nothing at all. "Everyone's filling me.up with noise, and I don't know what they're talking about. You see all I need is a whisper... In a world that only shouts."
No one has ever taken a chance with me
Some have danced with me
But most are quick to be real slick
And change their stance with me
Fake people making noise
And playing games
Calling names, pointing fingers
And placing blame

Little realize
While they're fixed on displacing shame
All this nonsense stays constantly
Suspended through my veins

They burst open with the worst notions Contorted emotions to mass explosions
Like mixing large proportions of gasoline
Fire driven moths-to-flames

And my response is to conjure
Create, contemplate, and maintain
So please run along and carry on
Like you never knew my name
Because saying it will curse you
When you mention it in vain

Don't react or erupt like 'this' was abrupt When you never said 'this' to my face
Don't act surprised or try to hide it
Like you missed it or tried to fight it
Like you have any right to deny it
Now that you've finally been erased

I'm tired of all the back-thens
And back-whens
You're a has-been, and I'm laughing

Coming out of the woodwork
Some leaving without a trace
Like a blank space could ever replace
Everything you didn't make work

In the end we didn't mend
So I guess I wasn't worth it
At best we could jest, try to forget
Let's say that I deserve it
I wasn't perfect and then again
I'm not a ******* servant

Should I reword it?
Use different verbage?
Change my perspective respective
Of your verdict on the time spent?
I wouldn't know
Because you never showed
And I'm too busy living in ('this') moment
******* all.
A Saint's fall from grace
Was written in subtle remission
Misgiving the unknown lengths
Within his impending perdition

He sits alone with Familiar near
Drawing permissive ethereal energy
Through a single ring finger
Seemingly from nowhere

Incoming ancient rites
Through unprecedented sight
Which is merely a foreplay
Unto the forays of his personal plight

For he lays with the knowledge
Of angels, deities, and Divine kings
Paralyzed within these confines
And unable to speak
The peril of an incorrigible feral beast Presently feeding on his precious sleep

A sanctified clandestine ritual
Opaque within the haze
For the utter ignorance of his current form Can not be fazed

All the while perched above him looming
The orders of the past
Which cast his imminent ruin
Strangulated by a single urgent thought
To which is owed his undoing

An existence to remain subservient
Fluid, and entirely alone
As was the expedient nature
Of his excommunication from the throne

And though he's been devoted
Thoughtful and reminiscent
There still lies a lingering shadow
Dissipating in the distance
The latter to which can not be replaced
With any amount of insistence

For ice burns the veins
That label him a Saint
There's no way to defame
Or ever replace an ordained vocation

Innate spun the tine of the fate's Creation
Needless abandon to pursue explanation When the weight of his burden
Entirely subdues resignation

It's simply the ripples of the current Resounding within his present station

Whispering into the deep heart of his fear
With it's morbid, amorphous face
Ever reminding him the story
Of his final fall from grace
Written 05May2020 at 0439 after waking up from a nightmare at 0200 and immediately thrown into the second spiritual experience of my lifetime
November 29th, 2014

Dear Chris:
I miss you dear, I'd like to say.
Though it's been six months, thoughts of you are here to stay. My words turn to putty and I wish to form them like clay because there's so much to you I wish to convey. I've been traveling and unraveling the belt loops of life, and striding through gliding on ice skates from strife. I don't know if still I can sing the same tune. Our dreams from the Bay have been vexing me; perplexing me since June. The ring you gave me has my fingers swollen like my head, just like a balloon! And I don't know if it makes me sullen to confess when you asked for my hand, even hypothetically, I was to be your wife complete with white dress. Somewhere along the line that dream has changed. Though I feel that this letter was written selfishly. I really must say.. All I know is that I miss you Chris, I have missed you since May.


December 1st, 2014

I was wanton and flagrant when your letter was received. I was bounding and bursting; hardly contained in my seat. Your familiar fragrance beseeching my heart's conceit, and in your confidence said that you're missing me. Until the usual silence declares again it's already half past three. Time to wash away delusions that are causing my hope to reek.

Certainly there will be another chance to hear from you next week.
This poem was written after checking e-mails all week.
Lucifer heard overtures
And melodic bells
Akin to the kind fine tuned
Whilst under angels' spells

They orchestrated a plan
Sinister and wicked
The task given Him
Once fallen from Heaven's thicket

For it had been blessed and ordained
An order

He knows no malice
No sign of chagrin
Save the knowledge of this righteous Resolution

As the master plan begins
There was a ringing
Each time Seraphim did approach near
But his intention was devout
And distinctly clear

Singed within his heart
No torturous malady
But a signate of Hope
To His fixated reality

An answer to questions
Of destitude and control
With either road traveled
Consequences tend to fracture the soul

Each Piece of Eight
Broken from the Whole
To satisfy and quench
A clandestine mold

And because He's been told
Forsaken to behold
This is simply another story foretold

Little to wonder
With nothing to rally
When the Pieces fell in line
For the perfect finale.
I thought I heard ringing
From a familiar alarm
While happening upon your wounded,
though still beating heart

For I'll forever take pleasure
In removing their glass shards
Whether the stakes bless my favor
Or forsake my stars

You stood so firm
In the midst of chagrin
Like a Cheshire cat
Boldly tilting her chin

And I understand how
A blister under the skin
Can demand a cure for the itch
Of it's lingering burden

So I decided then and there
To invite you to a fantasy
Like your all-time favorite
Cherished childhood Disney

Where you could dance the night away
And laugh and sing, but
Also where the smile stays in your eyes
Most importantly

Little did I know
In the midst of all my plans
You'd reach right back
Searching to uncover my guarded stance

And through some kind of clandestine
Clairvoyant pretense
You hopped on the wall
Peering through my broken defense

Like blue orbs beaming
With no sign of retreating
I was paralyzed by your sunlight
I had no chance of defeating

Only beckoning, softly, and entreating
You pulled me in beneath the surface
Before the instant was fleeting

You made me take a moment
To stop and think
How to draw a line
That's left behind
And for once remain succinct
Revitalize a pacified panic button
Without a necessary distinction

So best believe
When I say your name
(because I can't refrain)
You'll hear all about how it's adorned
With calligraphy from the memory
I'll retain
And smiling silently
(while showing my teeth)
I'll hope you feel the same
Until next we meet, Calisa Mae
To the girl who ghosted me.
When I close my eyes
I kiss the air
A shadow dawns on me
I become aware
I kiss the air
I kiss the air
But the fragrance lost
Was no perfume
One day
This loser you saw
Looks just like you
I kiss the air
Yes, I kiss the air
But still
I recollect washing all the dogs
The wandering stray cat
Caught in a fog
When you served me that notice
I was in the ditch
But you couldn't have seen
Too busy putting on lipstick
All the flirting
Taunting teens
Pay due respect to the ice queen
But one glance from between the eyes
Reminds her
Chances can pass by
High heels
Short skirt
The well is about to flood
Because i once knew
She's misunderstood
But those days are gone
Like a snow globe once shaken
The levee fractured and all but taken
What wise words say
I was mistaken
And I kiss the air
I kiss the air
Push that button and let the rush in
As your face flushes, voices tussle

amid the existing cacophony

Pick it up, consider it, or push it aside
Because all or any of that **** should not hinder your stride
And no resonance of putrid residue left inside

Because you are of you
And THAT makes you beautiful

Whether demonstration be of lines or dance
I can feel how your gestures entrance
So don't let anything, not one thing fall to chance

Consternation will not best you.

Disdainful looks of scorn unfortunately adorn this fallible world
We learn to accept this, as for them, they can sit and twirl
Because I can hear that nothing will stop this girl

It's best not to step
An alternative to turning the other cheek!
All the silly banter
Combines with familiar cadence an echoing canter
Reveal to me the meaning of moon in Cancer
And erase that preordained connotation
I'm desperate in attempts for a proclamation
Evoke a melody on reminiscence and born anew
I shall not remiss for i walk in different shoes
While jiving along to the same melody of rhythm and blues
Reveling in the rowdy rock concert
Take a step with me and we can glide
Relocate the harrowing and relinquish my pride
I feel soap bubbles cleansing slowly
Rising inside
When i speak your true name
It can't be called upon only inspired by you
Inspiration is powerful from any perspective view
So let's rejoice in our wondering and wandering
And step through the flume
Patience is a virtue
Hold my hand because in truth
I only wish to walk with you
Yes, the "i's" are supposed to be lower-cased. This was written for the only person I could ever write poetry with. Though I could never convince you, one day you will see in yourself what I still do.
I'm not heartless
Just using my heart less
Hoping art is an answer
Like cancer is catharsis

Right now, I'm coping
Picking up the broken pieces
From when this started
Ripping me open in little shreds
Closed again before I noticed

Once I lost feeling, I stopped reeling
There's no revealing memories
Now that you've gone
All dearly departed

Hoping something prestigious
Grows from this seedless garden
But it's like trying to capture air
From a fractured jar
To make an attempt
Of clearing my heart

Not to mention restart it

Seamless spent broken leaves
Hedonist and facetious facsimiles
While I soak in mass energies
To resuscitate dead memories
Just casually discuss the minor details
Of all my sad hapless dreams
Don't try to act or pretend to believe
If you lack a fractured tendency
You'll simply react
To your own hopeless epiphany

While laughing you'll remember me

Aside from the venom presented
Within my resentful history
It's the recurring action persistently
Building traction for another
And once again
Redacted epiphany

Prolifically trapped
In a perdition subliminally
I have personally granted permission
The eternal conditions of a prisoner
Taking backward steps so timidly

It's become tradition
So twisted and vivid...

All I see are projections
Protecting corrections
Rejecting reflections
Until the message infested
Keeps me second guessing
Or stressing and searching
For a holy blessing

It's a mess
I've run amok
There's no abstaining the jest

Honestly I do confess
The only promise I will keep
Is to remain taking the test
And lay the rest six feet beneath

But I'm always second best
The runner-up stumbling
Surreptitiously obsessed
With my mind's eye manifest
Delusional and mumbling
To compare with the rest
I'll use my heart less
And cease the thunder rumbling

If I could attest
It was my absolute best
That used to mean something
Revised 22 Sep 21
Here's to us:
She knows I don't do mushy stuff
So she paints a more candid picture
She whispers shades of something to make me laugh
And etches a residing softness to my sober

I love these pictures of us because they're unapologetic
I find comfort within the confines of your gentle caresses
And now that you're gone the current sweeps me up
But not into a projected evanescence
Because I don't have to seek joy when I know it's found
I don't have to spend my time in the clouds
Getting high off of pipe dreams and sweet things
Or imagine my blessings
I only have to look upon a photograph
And like magic it comes rushing back to me
Galloping with the giddy glee of youth
Or the enigma of a cartoon character

Where our roads bend I'll find you at the cross section
Where the path divides I'll find you on the sidelines
-and if not, the next stoplight
Where you sit guessing as to how much longer it will hold on for
And no matter how long it takes
No matter how many mistakes or closed doors
I'll come back to surprise you

But the disguises I hide in are only comprised of my true colors
We take a moment to sing our shared music shutters
With shared confessions of catharsis
I can't deny that you've got a hold on my heart, the spark is lit.
And I would walk with you
Even if we only had one match left
The world is now a medley
Contradictions, paradoxes, and catch-22s
Values and morals broken
by Tolerance

And this is incidentally overly-permissive
her secret is...

The very infrastructure
The basis of normalcy is
not just broken down
But warped altogether
Shabby Spackle cracks reveal CHANGE
Ephemeral periods to lick wounds
That are, indeed, a fallacy
And the dogs howl for convalescence
Imagine the point of no return,
where light can only remain an idea
for the overwhelming pitch black veil enveloping you
Faces distant blur as shadows creep contemptuously
Through a place only light should know
The gateway to the soul has been breached!
Defaced, sold.
With a guaranteed price tag!
this poem is not about government policy
In my dreams I vividly imagine
Dipping you in a vat of hydrofluoric acid Popping your air bubbles
Rising up in masses
Smiling as you choke and scream
And your body turns to molasses
Whispering sweet things
While witnessing your pitiful reactions

Wait, no
Scratch that I've got a better plan of action That does justice considering
All of your previous unsuccessful tactics
It may involve anthrax, although
You may not be worth the extra taxes
When all I'm looking for
Is to properly rupture your synapses

That's right, too much trouble
So instead I'll use arsenic to compensate
With a dosage that's double
Lie you down and strip you bare
And tie you to the back platform
By your long black hair

Green eyes wide open
With a speculum for your mouth
So that anything you're rejecting
Isn't allowed to come out
And don't worry about restraints
I made a point to crucify you
To your cross made of 2x8 planks

Meanwhile you've been nullified
Lying there listless
I'll look you straight in the eyes
So you know there's no forgiveness

Open up wide
Because here comes the Apache train
I have to admit while you're asphyxiating
I begin fixing to gladly salivate

Is it no surprise
I want to watch the light leave your eyes While you sit and you writhe
Struggle, and finally die!?

Don't look so mortified
I just divulged your ****** scene
So now that I'm satisfied
We can proceed to clean
The mess you've made is putrid
and obscene I can't believe
Just how excessively you could bleed

But that's why I draped the floor
With sheets
And for the the spots beyond their reach We've got Oxy-clean
Hydrogen peroxide and Clorox bleach

Besides before I take you for a ride
We have to dismember your appendages
So no one can be the wiser to identify
Any percentages of finger, digit or thumb
So half of you will have to remain
In the barrel drum
It's all fun and games
Until this slaps me in the face
When someone finds an "innocent victim" Then reports their interpretation
of the case

See, I don't just want you dead,
I want you erased without a trace
So that the stories and allegories ahead
Will not leave my good name defaced

Switch from my peripheral
To my rear view mirror
While we demonstrate less viscerally
That under water you'll also disappear
I'll make you cement shoes
For your descent through the waters
Of Gods and sea monsters
By Neptune's sons and daughters

Then once the sacrifice is made
I can forget you
Without a doubt I am resentful
But I'd like to leave behind
Part of my life that's so dreadful
Resuming my usual resistance
With little to do on my mental
Now that I have subdued your existence

I'm eating lentils
This poem is dedicated
As this bird
After so long took jauntily to the sky
Once again
He held his head high in triumph
After so long being confined and contained
He soars gratefully
Majestically through the air
For perpetually he fell, contemplating
Why not?
Having been in despair
Imprisoned so long
It's all he knows

Today gravity shall not take him
Euphoria is counter-intuitive
And he falls up into the clouds
This bird did smile then,
at such a wondrous epiphany

The torment was over
Replaced with magnificent opportunity
No longer will his song remain unheard
The melody of vindication
has permeated his body and soul
His relief a sigh
A new song fills his heart
It's not often I question my physical age
Until I hear my mental voice desperately trying to engage
inferiority complex

Psychiatry. intense feeling of inferiority, producing a personality characterized either by extreme reticence or, as a result of overcompensation, by extreme aggressiveness.
lack of self-esteem; feeling of inadequacy; lack of self-confidence.
You were a fresh breath of sunshine
To subside the clouds and fog
Cluttering up another day in my mind
The careful charisma
Carried by your charming smile
Very well may have saved my life
I'd like to take time to properly thank you

Offering my small words as tribute
In exchange for the large favor
You aren't even aware you've given me
I can assure that it's there
It's in the air of your inquisitive nature
That caught me by surprise
As I casually discussed my dreams
Because they've already died
You stood there beaming
Leaving me to question your intentions
As is my modus operandi

And yet you pressed on singing along
While I grew anxious of how long
I'd been standing in line
I studied your face for a hint or a trace
Of some ulterior motive or priority
Pertaining to the duties of a service soul
Yet there was nothing to find

No designs or crafts aft of the smile
Behind your eyes
As you took my hand and said goodbye
That you were happy to meet me
Hoping to greet me again next time
I decided then and there a firm resolve
To not let my mind spoil or absolve
The innocent felicity
Or serendipity of simply meeting you
with love.
Amazing what someone who is a ray of sunshine can do for your day
It begins with a soft bite
That quickly forms into a leech
Beseeching my thoughts...
Controlling my speech..
Preaching important matters
Carrying potential to teach
All their essential condescending
Never-endings out of reach

Yet the pitfall arrives
When I choose to listen
With sighs and ghosted thoughts
The result of some or other condition
Bolstering a vision with apt precision
When every remission indicates
The necessary revision

Envy stifles a stern conviction
Jealousy trifles within final prediction
Anger endangers calm
Making strangers within this perdition
Bring it all in as I wriggle and writhe
Because I am to blame
For all of my pride

...It stays inside

As soon as my cards were shown I decided to fold. I can't keep this under control while I'm so vulnerable. Yet another rapport thrown in the fire and tossed out the door... And I'm so **** gullible. I watch this bridge burn from a distance before it will mend. Yet again the result of desiring you-
More than a friend
I'm playing games
With no emotion
No pet names
and plain devotion
The soil's eroding
There's no consoling
the truth
When I didn't elude
to the difference
There's no trust
When I lead with lust
So then
Uncouth again
This deliverance

My heart is cold
I sold my soul
I lost control
When you took hold
My two cents
And I carefully sense
There's no recompense
For my selfish nature
I'm just so dense

There's no pretense
Only defense
When I'm on the fence
And left you low in suspense

It's preconditioned
Leave no suspicion
In my position
There's something missing
So now I've listened
I'm reminiscent
Of evanescence
No convalescence
It's my decision

Never again will I pretend
like I

My only regret is I forget

Forever in debt
for the smile
That I've

If I ever reset
Or resume to beset
I'll just
The idea behind this was a response to a conversation I had today that practices extreme lycanism. I wanted to rhyme as frequently as possible to give it that roll of emphatic delivery. I'll probably come up with a hook in the future for this one and put a beat down for it.
Step up on stage
And undress for a second
As I exsanguinate your flesh
Just to let you know that you're rejected
Then I'll bend you over
Slit you open
And let your entrails leave
Like a funfetti stream
That you try to chase
But just can't reach

The only problem that I've got with you
Is that you're not dead
When I've beaten the side
Of your head with this hammer
Until it turned red (you know)
From all the bloodshed

Shattered your skull to open a hole
So wide you could reach inside
With chopsticks like a ramen bowl
Removed all the lies like Pinnochio's nose Then I got my real vice
You could call it the main course

As you slumped over
And heard my footsteps retreating
I'd be more focused on checking
If your heart's still beating
It's not deceiving
That you were begging for your life
But you knew I had a surprise in store
When you opted for the knife
Inspired by Necro and all death rap. A freestyle I wrote and only edited slightly
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