I am the gale of a storm
Pressed against your face
Rushing with hasty percussion
Then gone without a trace
A hailing siren's final resting place
What was seemingly a blessing
Now deceived and defaced
So easily forgotten
Already replaced

Hardly believed in
As if by mistake
The price of your faith
Fallen from grace

I leave no trace
But the remaining feeling
And with undue haste
You're set to reeling
Like a deep congealing festering wound
It's my reminiscent touch
That tortures you

But you can't recall the song
That's lost on the wind
Once it departs
To never return again

During lonely moments
You will solemnly reflect
Upon the endeavor of this vocation
To be dependable
When answering The Call for help

Righteously, it is assumed that vested within our intentions may be a demonstrative, direct altruism, allegiance, and adherence to a virtuous disposition.

However, this would in fact be indicative remotely of self-righteousness

Those who walk this path
Will never know a peak
Or a crest to achieve
For you are never over
And you are never through
When trying to be
Someone special

Rejoice in understanding
That it is within the arduous journey
That you may be granted
The less than prestigious
Yet priceless reward
Known as perspective

When you reach within
Do you find yourself
Descending an everlasting abyss
Or remiss to find your fingertips
Ascend past the glass ceiling
of Heaven

I find it kind of ironic
How the snow always falls
While ashes from charcoal rise

When you play with thoughts
That flood your brain
Do they elate your senses
Or bring you pain
Do you show on the surface
What's imprinted in your skin
Or leave the premise to be unwrapped
Then tossed aside once again

I began to write
So that I could know myself
And what I find
Is that I'd rather be someone else

Dead Inside

That's a flag that no soul runs to capture
It leaves you high and dry
Stranded alone
Staring down from the rafters
Wondering what went wrong
And then proceeded after
Which carries on into the very present Existential disaster

What is it that besets me
Perplexes my soul
To forever second guessing
Presetting the ridicule
And never ending questioning
With sharpened tips directed within

For my eternal conflict festering
My eager disposition
Reveals my meager position
Desperately inflicting
Conditioned precision
Leading ultimately to division

All while I'm asking why

Was this what I envisioned?
Did the pieces fit together
Like a perfect prism
Projecting nimbus clouds
Or simply bring the rain down
In my prison?

I get the suspicion
That there was no omission
While considering these propositions:

Maybe if I could be different
Then I could be divident
Blistered from the sun and innocent

Am I justified or satisfied
In all that I desire
When admitting each want
That's past transpired?

For the joys of life
Don't require far places to be found
Foreign grounds
Only offer exotic ways to suffer

But there's no coming home
When I'm pushing through alone
No one to love me while I'm alive
No spark of the falling snow
Meeting the burning charcoal
No ember
And nothing to remember
When I'm already dead inside

It's as though I've died
Yet haven't reached the end of my life Passing by unfazed
Through these phases ever changing
Taking kindness from strangers
When they offer their advice

Suffice to be content
With what's left behind
Acting on hapless sacrifices
Or sickening vices
Hollowing my inside private spaces
Until the point I disappear
Or otherwise remain faceless

A blank slate..
I'm ready to bear my own vines
To share this with you
Substantiate it over time
And let roots grow where they lie

If only you'd allow me
To take your hand in mine
I'd fit the mold
I'd fill that hole
Within your ripped apart heart
And never miss

I wish you to know this
That you have been
*The last dream of my soul

My zeal and consumption
Reveal the dysfunction
While determining each compunction Attained from my blind spot

There's no restraint
Only beligerant justification
Of how you somehow fit
Into the conducive picture
When I'm caught

And because I can't see it
I remain elusive
Telling you where the shoe fits
Telling you what the truth is
All the while preaching
That I'm so introspective
And also failing to ascertain
My own negligence

Sabotaging everything that I have
When I'm left feeling bad
By some kind of red flag
Raising false alarms
Sounding like the war
In my pin cushion heart

If I listened
I'd hear your quiet
Dismissive confessions
Instead of invisible projections
And the lies I tell myself
That have become manifested

If I had to guess
I'm sweating for fear of rejection
Yet you didn't even raise that question
It's the guise under which I hide
For protection
Revealing my true colors

I need to stop being so defensive
Of my never ending cycle
And take heed
That what's been (them)
Is merely ashes in the wind
While this (us) is revival

Capturing what you want to see
In the shattered picture frame
Putting the pieces together on your own Wearing rose tinted shades
Hearing your own jovial melody
To the song that's out of tune
Talking yourself through
The same familiar feeling in your room
You'd find flowers there
And be better prepared
If you only saw them bloom

If only you listened
They'd tell you what's missing
In your spaces in between
And how you're the only one
When all is said and done
Who still waits and believes

Your faith is mistaken
Your pain is misshapen
Forever replacing
Another clever ruse
For you're only delusional
And never fooling anyone else
When you think you get to choose

I'm missing all the lively surprises
Bright places
You never come running to find
When I'm not caught looking
At the aftermath left from behind
The passing time would simply fly
When I'm lying listless in bed
Instead of being trapped there for hours
While wrapped inside of my head

I am holding on unsteady
To your already gone
That song played on repeat
The same one that saved me
"There must be something in the water"
Before tears descend my cheek
I don't want you to hear
A sudden drawn in breath
Breaking my thin veneer

I fear something coveted escaped
From my parted quivering lips
Like a whisper too soft
Lost from grasping fingertips
It hits only once
Then gets tossed in the mix
Because I'm guilty
Of letting myself reminisce

My two cents is my refrain
Because I let in bliss
And found you yet again
Convincing
Resisting
Persisting we weren't meant
But only for the big empty

Turns out I'm not who you're looking for
On top of the ledge
I'm the lemon wedge
Twisted and dripping
Into your open wounds

The truth is I don't live
Within these precious
Ephemeral moments
I only bear witness
To what I've missed
The instant dismissed

And I'm so lonely.
I was looking forward
To finally come home to you
Because I'm tired of roaming
The world is a cold place
When nobody knows me

I thought if only...
You wanted to know me too

You'd be my only exception, my paramore
And I already know that's not the story
You spelled it out with ink from your heart
And your own closed door...
Anyways, I'm sorry to implore

And for finding all of your bright places
I thought I'd be the luminous candle
To dispel your concealed dark
Instead of revealing empty spaces

I feel your heart dripping with saturation
To the point of sedation
It makes you afraid and stray away
From all your playcating
Playful ways being sated

And my own pain has been harbored
Within my lonesome self hatred
For many years at a time
Creating empty spaces

But you are not vacant
Within the confines of your walls
You're only frightened of slipping
Or falling at all

But you speak to me
With the shine in your eyes
In between the words you say
You're a clever artist
Gone, lost and departed
With what you convey

I refrain from saying too often
That I see your approach soften
Because you're lying there naked
Inside of your coffin

Beckoning sweetly for me to meet you Somewhere in the ground
So that we can exchange soft phrases
Without making a sound
Never again will I pull you away
When you don't want to be found...

Just know I'm listening
To your splendid reminiscence
I'm not giving in
To my own cognitive dissonance
Now that I see you clearly
And I feel you dearly
I want you near me

There's no fear and no pain
I'll be hanging around
Waiting to call out your name
Until the time comes
For us to say goodbye
Anyways, I love you
I had the time of my life

A Saint's fall from grace
Was written in subtle remission
Misgiving the unknown lengths
Within his impending perdition

He sits alone with Familiar near
Drawing permissive ethereal energy
Through a single ring finger
Seemingly from nowhere

Incoming ancient rites
Through unprecedented sight
Which is merely a foreplay
Unto the forays of his personal plight

For he lays with the knowledge
Of angels, deities, and Divine kings
Paralyzed within these confines
And unable to speak
The peril of an incorrigible feral beast Presently feeding on his precious sleep

A sanctified clandestine ritual
Opaque within the haze
For the utter ignorance of his current form Can not be fazed

All the while perched above him looming
The orders of the past
Which cast his imminent ruin
Strangulated by a single urgent thought
To which is owed his undoing

An existence to remain subservient
Fluid, and entirely alone
As was the expedient nature
Of his excommunication from the throne

And though he's been devoted
Thoughtful and reminiscent
There still lies a lingering shadow
Dissipating in the distance
The latter to which can not be replaced
With any amount of insistence

For ice burns the veins
That label him a Saint
There's no way to defame
Or ever replace an ordained vocation

Innate spun the tine of the fate's Creation
Needless abandon to pursue explanation When the weight of his burden
Entirely subdues resignation

It's simply the ripples of the current Resounding within his present station

Whispering into the deep heart of his fear
With it's morbid, amorphous face
Ever reminding him the story
Of his final fall from grace

"You can not die in a soul prison
You can only be reborn."

If I am destined to die this day
My preemptive fate is to endure
The cross's burden of the reincarnate
This cryptic incantation spurned
If not reanimated by concentric hatred
Burning within like a fire concentrated

I can think of
No better form of poetic justice
Than to be subjected to yet
Another lifetime
Of helpless suffering

Screaming at my creator
Without an articulate tongue
My thrashing heart weighed against
The pure and chaste plume of the Dove

I've already been designated
For another trip around His Sun
The vast black hole of gases
Worshipped as a God

And when my eyes meet their demise
And I'm lifted from this fable dream
I'll bare my tortured soul once again
Returning petrified and unable to scream

I thought I heard ringing
From a familiar alarm
While happening upon your wounded,
though still beating heart

For I'll forever take pleasure
In removing their glass shards
Whether the stakes bless my favor
Or forsake my stars

You stood so firm
In the midst of chagrin
Like a Cheshire cat
Boldly tilting her chin

And I understand how
A blister under the skin
Can demand a cure for the itch
Of it's lingering burden

So I decided then and there
To invite you to a fantasy
Like your all-time favorite
Cherished childhood Disney

Where you could dance the night away
And laugh and sing, but
Also where the smile stays in your eyes
Most importantly

Little did I know
In the midst of all my plans
You'd reach right back
Searching to uncover my guarded stance

And through some kind of clandestine
Clairvoyant pretense
You hopped on the wall
Peering through my broken defense

Like blue orbs beaming
With no sign of retreating
I was paralyzed by your sunlight
I had no chance of defeating

Only beckoning, softly, and entreating
You pulled me in beneath the surface
Before the instant was fleeting

Somehow
You made me take a moment
To stop and think
How to draw a line
That's left behind
And for once remain succinct
Revitalize a pacified panic button
Without a necessary distinction

So best believe
When I say your name
(because I can't refrain)
You'll hear all about how it's adorned
With calligraphy from the memory
I'll retain
And smiling silently
(while showing my teeth)
I'll hope you feel the same
Until next we meet, Calisa Mae

Lucifer heard overtures
And melodic bells
Akin to the kind fine tuned
Whilst under angels' spells

They orchestrated a plan
Sinister and wicked
The task given Him
Once fallen from Heaven's thicket

For it had been blessed and ordained
An order
Sanctified
Justified
Maintained

He knows no malice
No sign of chagrin
Save the knowledge of this righteous Resolution

As the master plan begins
There was a ringing
Each time Seraphim did approach near
But his intention was devout
And distinctly clear

Singed within his heart
No torturous malady
But a signate of Hope
To His fixated reality

An answer to questions
Of destitude and control
With either road traveled
Consequences tend to fracture the soul

Each Piece of Eight
Broken from the Whole
To satisfy and quench
A clandestine mold

And because He's been told
Forsaken to behold
This is simply another story foretold

Little to wonder
With nothing to rally
When the Pieces fell in line
For the perfect finale.

I'm reaching with searching fingers Rewinding my present time
For some lost, lingering epiphany
I may have left behind
Desperately digging
For who I'll never be
Retrieving my sighing hands
Reminded that I'll find only Me

The remaining grains of sand
Slipping from my hand
I will lose myself
In the midst of my other plan
And I'll lose you too
For the clever ruse
Says you get what you see
But I was never pretending
Only presenting who I wanted to be

Loss is what I have come to know
I only fabricate schemes of finding home Stealing from other stories
With broad spectrums
And respectful categories
I can begin to see
Somewhere peaceful
Behind a clouded dream

I'm a parasitic husk
Reaching out
To devour and consume anyone
Foolish enough to exhume my past
And I fear that once I become sated here
There will remain no way back

I'm reaching with searching fingers Rewinding my present time
For some lost, lingering epiphany
I may have left behind
Desperately digging
To where I'll never be
Retrieving my sighing hands
Reminded that I'll find only Me

My friends
My possessions
My home
The life that I sacrificed
In search of redemption
Or to make sense
Of some unknown calling
All was wasted when I did not die

So now I can't stand
To be trapped in my skin
Let me forget that I'm here
Just for a single moment
Allow me to live
Vivaciously visualizing a daydream
Where all that I see isn't haunting me
With the broken tendrils of a lost reality Twisting and turning my righteous grief
Into the one I despise, a father of deceit.

Ever precarious
Always vicariously
The nefarious cycle fights to repeat
Through my sober
I'm still not safe
Now that the running is over
I'm still making martyrs
Trying to stake their claim
As if I have any idea
How to get back from Me
Once again

There are some who choose
To hold on to their pain
For that's all to remain
Of their most cherished memory
When everything else is gone

Remind me of how I'll find
The ninth circle of Hell
When departing this life
At the sound of a bell
The very notion
Of our lonesome memory
Robbing me of sleep
As a thief in the night
Steals my soul to keep

What began as an innocent felicity
Has now twisted itself in so many knots
To remain hidden and unseen
I can't believe
That I ever found reprieve
While bound by your eyes
It was all an obscene dream of schemes
And seemingly serene alibis

I've stopped eating
I'm growing feeble and weak
The surmounting toll of this life
Has reached its low peak
Realizing you were merely a fantasy
Entrenched in the deep
Out of reach

For now we share secrets that echo
Through a window with curtains drawn
Eventually I know you'll let go
Because I said so
When everything else is gone

Remind me of how I'll find
The ninth circle of Hell
When departing this life
At the sound of a bell
The very notion
Of my lonesome memory
Robbing me of sleep
As a thief in the night
Steals my soul to keep

Love and Fear

Are tender devotions
They lose momentum
Relenting to stay in motion
Like trying to capture cavitations
Lost in an ocean
With a camera out of focus
Hoping no one is knowing

If left unattended

They become relentless
Measuring up
To everything and everyone

If lead astray

They stand unafraid
Demanding they're defended
By anything and anyone

If unanswered

They feel resented
As if guilty of treachery
Left unsentenced

Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to stay alive
I'm sorry that I lied
I'm sorry that I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try

Take me down to the breaking point
Where I soften and forget
All about disappointing you
Or what could be misconstrued
Disestablished, or casually deflected

For still I watch helplessly
As camoflauge intercepts my language
I can hide and be strange
Or pleasant and fake
But it doesn't make us any less estranged
Yet when I'm pretending
There's no mending my mistakes
Because they break us
Like a fault line when the earth quakes

When the message you're sending
Is much too diplomatic
I need to feel the pressure rising
I need a triumph of humanity
Static rolling through my fingers
Charging my frozen feet as I linger
On those last choice words of yours
Retorting lightning fire out of my mouth
My ears still ringing
From the weight of their impact

Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to feel alive
I'm sorry if I lied
I'm sorry that I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try

I can be so condescending
Like my response to your questions
Are forever pending
Another moment in time
But I can't pretend
Like I'm some mysterious riddle
I try to be clear and keep things civil
I try to disappear
Only with me in the middle
My broken heart is simple
Which makes me a criminal

It's never enough
I'm sorry that's too much
Stealing my serene
Leaving me unclean
And never free
Deceit ultimately leaving me
To my heart's lonesome conceit

Keeping still my heartbeat
Just to stay alive
I'm sorry that I lied
I'm sorry if I died
Before you happened by
My demons lay at night
Before you came along
I wouldn't even try
I wouldn't even try

You are not coming home
You're only visiting mine
The path I've carved to the bone
With my blood and sweat
When you left me behind

We're expecting connections
From two dead cells
Yet there's not a flickering light
No prospective spark to find

I want the best of both worlds
Knowing I've driven you away
While coping with the anger and confusion That leads me astray

I don't need restitution.
I don't seek retribution.
Here I see no resolution.
Let there be no delusion.

Perhaps there's a part of me
That will always care
About what you think or how you feel
But honestly it's hard for me to be real
When the wounds never mutually heal

My heart is repealed
Until your story's revealed
Maybe when Hell freezes over
Or pigs grow wings and fly
Suffice to say

I've grown older
Fulfilled in my own ways
Chasing epiphanies and revolutions
I've become colder
Concealed in my own space
Now I've found the ideal solution

Simply (smile)
Give you an illusion

The one who fights for a righteous cause
Will expose to sight all uncouth flaws

Wise are the ones called
Fools
Who won't see through a clever
Ruse

Today I reached for you
With a kind of virtue
And sincerity pressed behind
the design on my lips
Little realizing I was still reviling
Within my current remiss

I went and sinned again darlin'

There's little to do for recompense,
and so cordially I professed to you
all of my candid truths
With every intent
To avoid becoming uncouth
and elusive

Because... I do miss you
And I suppose I well knew...
You don't feel the same
I could feel it the instant you responded
Not the least bit concerned
Which was well deserved
Leaving me completely despondent

I need you to remind me
Just how lost my heart has become
And what that has cost anyone
Trying to reach for me
When I become undone

Somewhere in between
the real desire to reignite whatever fire
had transpired between us
With a new flame
Lay my hidden ulterior motive

Even I believed we would achieve
Something constructive
Yet my devious mind
Deceived even myself
To harness this abject,
self-destructive desire

Call me by my real names:
Heartless.
Narcissist.
Liar.
Coward.
Creep.
Thi­ef of catharsis.

Remind me of the same feeling
Delivered in your own unique way
Because I can't stand
To let myself ever forget again
This pain in my chest
Is everything to remain
It's all I have left

When I brush my teeth
I wish I could rip all of them out
Reach down my throat
And drown my stomach in Listerine
to exhale and feel cold air
rolling around my mouth

When I shower
I wish the water would devour my skin
To peel it away like acid rain
So that I could be blissfully naked
And clean once again

I imagine being able
To jump out of my bones
Like a fish swimming upstream
Against the winding current
Knowing it's headed home

Because even while devising lines
Of adjectives strewn together
I vividly imagine tearing fragments
of my hair to be born again
In a plume of Phoenix feathers

If I could crack my neck
and set forth a cleansing vapor trail
My backpedaling steps would vanish
In the path forward left unveiled

If I could step outside the line
of attempted perfection
Maybe I could change my perception
And face my reflection

But the problem is
I've learned to love this Monster
Through our constant battles
So even when I'm seeing clearly
I feel him near me
Sleeping in the shadows

In my dreams I vividly imagine
Dipping you in a vat of hydrofluoric acid Popping your air bubbles
Rising up in masses
Smiling as you choke and scream
And your body turns to molasses
Whispering sweet things
While witnessing your pitiful reactions

Wait, no
Scratch that I've got a better plan of action That does justice considering
All of your previous unsuccessful tactics
It may involve anthrax, although
You may not be worth the extra taxes
When all I'm looking for
Is to properly rupture your synapses

That's right, too much trouble
So instead I'll use arsenic to compensate
With a dosage that's double
Lie you down and strip you bare
And tie you to the back platform
By your long black hair

Green eyes wide open
With a speculum for your mouth
So that anything you're rejecting
Isn't allowed to come out
And don't worry about restraints
I made a point to crucify you
To your cross made of 2x8 planks

Meanwhile you've been nullified
Lying there listless
I'll look you straight in the eyes
So you know there's no forgiveness

Open up wide
Because here comes the Apache train
I have to admit while you're asphyxiating
I begin fixing to gladly salivate

Is it no surprise
I want to watch the light leave your eyes While you sit and you writhe
Struggle, and finally die!?

Don't look so mortified
I just divulged your ****** scene
So now that I'm satisfied
We can proceed to clean
The mess you've made is putrid
and obscene I can't believe
Just how excessively you could bleed

But that's why I draped the floor
With sheets
And for the the spots beyond their reach We've got Oxy-clean
Hydrogen peroxide and Clorox bleach

Besides before I take you for a ride
We have to dismember your appendages
So no one can be the wiser to identify
Any percentages of finger, digit or thumb
So half of you will have to remain
In the barrel drum
It's all fun and games
Until this slaps me in the face
When someone finds an "innocent victim" Then reports their interpretation
of the case

See, I don't just want you dead,
I want you erased without a trace
So that the stories and allegories ahead
Will not leave my good name defaced

Switch from my peripheral
To my rear view mirror
While we demonstrate less viscerally
That under water you'll also disappear
I'll make you cement shoes
For your descent through the waters
Of Gods and sea monsters
Convicted
By Neptune's sons and daughters

Then once the sacrifice is made
I can forget you
Without a doubt I am resentful
But I'd like to leave behind
Part of my life that's so dreadful
Resuming my usual resistance
With little to do on my mental
Now that I have subdued your existence

I'm eating lentils

I'm playing games
With no emotion
No pet names
and plain devotion
The soil's eroding
There's no consoling
the truth
When I didn't elude
to the difference
There's no trust
When I lead with lust
So then
Uncouth again
This deliverance

My heart is cold
I sold my soul
I lost control
When you took hold
My two cents
And I carefully sense
There's no recompense
For my selfish nature
I'm just so dense

There's no pretense
Only defense
When I'm on the fence
And left you low in suspense

It's preconditioned
Leave no suspicion
In my position
There's something missing
So now I've listened
I'm reminiscent
Of evanescence
No convalescence
It's my decision

Never again will I pretend
like I
gave
no
chase

My only regret is I forget
that
I'm
so
defaced

Forever in debt
for the smile
That I've
now
replaced

If I ever reset
Or resume to beset
I'll just
leave
no
trace

With all due respect I'm not racist. I'm just dealing with and reflecting on what I'm faced with. Ignorance stands tall amongst all the publicized stations. People claiming hatred for what they've been given or had taken... in pigments. We should be past the point in time where it's an epidemic But everybody's creating reprimands like this **** could be different. Wishing they could make a decision or live by the revision of their manifested vision... Well I guess you can't stop fear. People disrespect what they reject then project their veneer. Maybe if you took a minute to consider why we're all here you'd find ways to pay reparations replacing base words with fear. And no I do not disrespect the effects of history. We should all carry moments of silence in reflection of our mystery. But propagating and protecting an eternal war that **** gets to me when our primary focus should be moving forward progressively. Yet you choose to react. Elevating racist statements from both sides of the track. Attacking anyone for the color on their skin sets us back. It's past time to celebrate whether you're white or you're black. Some will tell me I don't understand. They look at me and just instantly read my hand. But that's exactly the reason to initiate a different plan judging any book by its cover like that makes you a bigger man. It's time for us to stand and forget about sympathy. That word is useless when held in comparison with empathy. If you could try to harmonize then eventually potentially we could end reducing systematic projections protecting entropy. But you won't. Not for all your pride. One eye for another for what you've suffered and you feel inside. Leading towards a devastating path to divide when I've been making Revelations in my attempt to justify. Blame the present pretenses. Blame it on their wealth. Blame it on account of everyone's single mindedness except yourself! I'm not racist. And I don't have any defensive excuses. I only speak the truth so my intention is ruthless. I'm not trying to replace or defame Joyner Lucas when his claim to fame explained in the original just where the shoe fits. I'm only trying to say one thing here that is this: Your power to separate is ******* stupid and reopens the suture. Only through coming together can we pave a better way for our future.

You claim I came from beneath the surface to your undoing. Yet you were the conservative one who told me to cease what we were doing. So assertively, who do you think you're fooling? You're like a needle weaving around in interstitial fluid. But my veins have been filled with tryptophan. You might playfully say they very well may have been ruined.

  You said to slow down and look around and check the pace of the beat because stepping stones are unknown
when made with cold feet. And in turn I took a step back to retreat so that I wouldn't confuse nor subdue the impudent snooze to my heartbeat.

  And darlin', not to be too explicit but I stepped to the side to abide when you began acting so tactfully complicit. Eliciting emotions as readily as waves of the ocean emitting their violent rhythms. But the notions tender returned to sender have now gone and split schisms exploding causing utter commotion like somehow I slipped or stuttered while muttering my notions to churn you like butter lotion.

  And while this isn't to spurn you, you're requesting my devotion when you barely know my name. So in the mirror what's crystal clear is the thin and whimsical veneer of reciprocity.

  I was adamant to prevent my vile extravagant fragments from implementing collateral damage dispensed towards anyone while I can be so relentless. It was never my intention to hang you up on a wall or leave you otherwise stranded landing nowhere near where I'm standing at all. Rather than bawl or try to break the Berlin Wall, may I suggest we take a rest before the hammer falls?

So that when I don't answer a call you don't wallow growing suspicious of my convictions convinced they aren't there or I've listed restrictions. The difference is that you decide not to believe it. Wow. So I'm not surprised your alibi won't allow you to see it now.

  I can't perceive it for you though I'm not deceiving you
if you could possibly conceive it to be true then maybe next time around you could receive it too. I'll leave that to you
for I can only say my piece. We can maybe slow down
before the throw down or we'll cyst and decease.

  Don't look at me like that last line was mischeviously written or you didn't see it correctly. I'm not an obsequious sycophant but I mean quite simply that we'll become diseased and die if we stick to projecting. Rather than rant planting seeds bitterly reflecting let's make a promise to be honest and say it directly.

That's all I ask of you KC.

Respectfully,
Chris P.

I'm not heartless
Just using my heart less
Hoping art is an answer
Like cancer is catharsis

Right now, I'm coping
Picking up the broken pieces
From when this started
Ripping me open in little shreds
Closed again before I noticed

Once I lost feeling, I stopped reeling
There's no revealing memories
Now that you've gone
All dearly departed

Hoping something prestigious
Grows from this seedless garden
But it's like trying to capture air
From a fractured jar
To make an attempt
Of clearing my heart

Not to mention restart it

Seamless spent broken leaves
Hedonist and facetious facsimiles
While I soak in mass energies
To resuscitate dead memories
Just casually discuss the minor details
Of all my sad hapless dreams
Don't try to act or pretend to believe
If you lack a fractured tendency
You'll simply react
To your own hopeless epiphany

While laughing you'll remember me

Aside from the venom presented
Within my resentful history
It's the recurring action persistently
Building traction for another
And once again
Redacted epiphany

Prolifically trapped
In a perdition subliminally
I have personally granted permission
The eternal conditions of a prisoner
Taking backward steps so timidly

It's become tradition
So twisted and vivid...

All I see are projections
Protecting corrections
Rejecting reflections
Until the message infested
Keeps me second guessing
Or stressing and searching
For a holy blessing

It's a mess
I've run amok
There's no abstaining the jest

Honestly I do confess
The only promise I will keep
Is to remain taking the test
And lay the rest six feet beneath

But I'm always second best
The runner-up stumbling
Surreptitiously obsessed
With my mind's eye manifest
Delusional and mumbling
To compare with the rest
I'll use my heart less
And cease the thunder rumbling

If I could attest
It was my absolute best
That used to mean something

You can believe that time
Is illusively winding each moment away
Or you can see
That conducively binding elements
Made the person before you today

Whether born orange or deformed
You're made of clay
You can choose to be elastic or fantastically Phantasmically taking drastic action Habitually
Static or fanatic statistically
You could be
The epitome of the sigh in your dreams

Or you could let them die
Subside to abide a life in purgatory
Deny the steps outside your perdition
Then you're conditioned to a position
Which settles you in a corner
Of subtle submission

Take a prescription for your remission
Like some limited edition conviction
Could omit that something is missing

It's a fight for your life
Whether it be right or wrong
Will you stand and dance
Take a chance with romance
Or sing the same old song?

Will you hear your reaction
Or fear the retraction redacting
On what your fear whispers all along?

The only thing
That we control in life is choice
The only way you find your rightful way
Out of strife is to find your voice

The only way to rejoice more often
Is to bury dismay
It starts right now with thoughts so loud
To characterize what's inside to relay
Convey the truth or choose to belay
Because the fact of the matter is that
We have only today

The moments behind you can not save
You get one life
And then spend your time in a grave
Tomorrow never comes often enough
And by then it's much too late

I was born a gentle soul
Reformed with an old jovial wisdom
Which was corrupted by the first attack
Stripped of my candor and left to meander
Until a visceral skin latched to my back

I watched my rivet dreams vicariously
All the while from side scenes
Spending time refining the premise
The fine hemmed edges
Were sharp yet crude
When tuned to this percentage

The very root of metamorphosis
Became an epitome of what I am
While walking a tight rope
Of Hope's chokehold
Invoking me to stand
Forcing me to look down
With nowhere to land

Echoes of mediocrity only fuel my drive
Staving fires from mere survival
Into the desire to thrive
While every injustice withers and dies
I bide my time refining my form
While the perfect storm subsides

The strengths I hide
Preside just beneath the surface
A revival impulse is convulsive therapy
Leaving me resolute within my purpose

Uncouth is the pretense
To claim and obtruding suspense
Whilst I am colluding and fearful
Whether I reminisce or remain pensive
The time has come to be cheerful

The only power over me
Is what I allow to reside
And keep me preventive
So if I choose to stay inside
It's because I'm designing
The next in line incentive

After I've repented
The only indefatigable witness
To my truth is me and God
And at times I ask myself
Will I know the blister's burden
Or fabricate a facade?

Talk to me about finding happiness
When you've got nothing else to eat
Talk to me about choosing to smile
When you're losing every mile
Grinding and unwinding
By the skin of your ***** teeth

Talk to me about working full time
When no money is made
And forget getting laid!
Talk to me about exercise
When the rest of your life
Is spent inside all day

Talk to me about making decisions
When your various synonyms
Mean little to nothing
Creating minimal difference
Literally it's the victim learning
To step outside of the prison box
Listening to your inhibitions
While filling your mind with self-talk

The waking life of daily decisions
How you can verse them
Rehearse them
And then learn with precision
How to carefully
Collectively craft
Your very own vision

But the minimum preliminary basis
Is that you have to be free
You can't be stuck in a cage unheard
Left with nothing further to be
You can't be three fingers short
Pretending the keys that you see
Aren't dangling from an olive branch
That's just out of reach
The very notion loses motion perpetually
Until you're all alone in the ocean
Perceptually

Eventually when you're banned
And barred and feeling diseased
There's only two ways to return
Time and terminally
So don't look to me
Wondering why I'm stuck in a ditch
When you're the one that can leave
You delusional *****

I live for revenge
I think that you're passionate
Convinced that I'm already dead
Lavish and debonair
I'm in debt to the devil
For sleeping in His bed
Your impeccable guile
Compliments your style, mon frere
It's signed in fine print
From blood that was shed
Clever opponents notice fault
By words that they said
The shell of my former self
Now resides in my head
But there's no truth to the rumors
In fact, you're my favorite undead!

All that's left to cleanse my plate
To feed my greed driven palate
It's as though bountiful boisterous
oysters flood the palms of your hands
Is the life of sin reflecting this malice
You've got a natural talent
Filling my cup with fresh debauchery
In return for empty, eternal youth
Sometimes God has mastered His plan
And infernal immortality

There's no glory
To the story of Dorian Gray
You lack a certain pride
Replacing a soul for a void
An earthly presence inside
An endless hole for a voice
The essence to express yourself
With nothing to hide
An eternally bending road taken by choice
I can't decide if you were blessed
Or just took the lesser divide

For I touch those that I love with lust
All I know is when I look in your eyes
The left hand reaches, covered in dust
I'm taken for a ride
The rusty right preaches and rushes
We're so close even though
There hasn't been much time
Boasting dangerous anger
Strangely deranged
From making better strangers
Out of envious pushes
And I hope to know you better
But it's though you're never mine...

I sold my soul for no recourse
The door is closed
The window shut
The home divorced
The deal was wrong
The girl is gone
She left me short
So run along, you best be on
It won't be long
I'm after yours

You were a fresh breath of sunshine
To subside the clouds and fog
Cluttering up another day in my mind
The careful charisma
Carried by your charming smile
Very well may have saved my life
I'd like to take time to properly thank you

Offering my small words as tribute
In exchange for the large favor
You aren't even aware you've given me
I can assure that it's there
It's in the air of your inquisitive nature
That caught me by surprise
As I casually discussed my dreams
Because they've already died
You stood there beaming
Leaving me to question your intentions
As is my modus operandi

And yet you pressed on singing along
While I grew anxious of how long
I'd been standing in line
I studied your face for a hint or a trace
Of some ulterior motive or priority
Pertaining to the duties of a service soul
Yet there was nothing to find

No designs or crafts aft of the smile
Behind your eyes
As you took my hand and said goodbye
That you were happy to meet me
Hoping to greet me again next time
I decided then and there a firm resolve
To not let my mind spoil or absolve
The innocent felicity
Or serendipity of simply meeting you
with love.
Tiana-Kai

Even through this screen
she manages to strike me
Her side glances and careful words
Delighting my fantasy
While saying my name again
Inviting me with the wisps
of her pixelated hands

As if tracing lines in sand
Would bring me closer
I long to compose the words to create
That shy glance on your face
I'm always receiving through the glass
The truth is you could say anything new
And I'd still be the same old mess

Fighting to control my beating heart
and lack of breath
Because I have panic attacks
And I miss you just the same
And I play dumb when you won't say it
I act surprised because
I can't compensate it
Constantly in denial when I contemplate for too long

So instead I'll sing you a song
I'll keep it short and sweet
Rather than taking so long
Because darlin', you could
Say anything
Say anything
And I'd be happy again

Because sometimes I lose sleep
While I'm too busy listening on repeat
To the music that's always reminding me
Of the night she closed her eyes
And rested her feet on my thighs
While the rest of the world was dead
We were lying together in her hospital bed

I'm fighting to control my beating heart and lack of breath
Because I have panic attacks
And I miss you just the same
But I play dumb when you can't say it
I might act surprised because I can't compensate it
I'm constantly in denial when I...
Contemplate for far too long

So instead I'll sing you a song
I'll keep it short and sweet
Rather than have it lasting just too long
Because darlin', you could
Say anything
Say anything
And I'd be happy again

So I'll sing you this song

I'll keep it short and sweet
Rather than taking so long
Because darlin', you could
Say anything
Say anything
And I'd be happy again

No one has ever taken a chance with me
Some have danced with me
But most are quick to be real slick
And change their stance with me
Fake people making noise
And playing games
Calling names, pointing fingers
And placing blame

Little realize
While they're fixed on displacing shame
All this nonsense stays constantly
Suspended through my veins

They burst open with the worst notions Contorted emotions to mass explosions
Like mixing large proportions of gasoline
Fire driven moths-to-flames

And my response is to conjure
Create, contemplate, and maintain
So please run along and carry on
Like you never knew my name
Because saying it will curse you
When you mention it in vain

Don't react or erupt like 'this' was abrupt When you never said 'this' to my face
Don't act surprised or try to hide it
Like you missed it or tried to fight it
Like you have any right to deny it
Now that you've finally been erased

I'm tired of all the back-thens
And back-whens
You're a has-been, and I'm laughing

Coming out of the woodwork
Some leaving without a trace
Like a blank space could ever replace
Everything you didn't make work

In the end we didn't mend
So I guess I wasn't worth it
At best we could jest, try to forget
Let's say that I deserve it
I wasn't perfect and then again
I'm not a ******* servant

Should I reword it?
Use different verbage?
Change my perspective respective
Of your verdict on the time spent?
I wouldn't know
Because you never showed
And I'm too busy living in ('this') moment

Step up on stage
And undress for a second
As I exsanguinate your flesh
Just to let you know that you're rejected
Then I'll bend you over
Slit you open
And let your entrails leave
Like a funfetti stream
That you try to chase
But just can't reach

The only problem that I've got with you
Is that you're not dead
When I've beaten the side
Of your head with this hammer
Until it turned red (you know)
From all the bloodshed

Shattered your skull to open a hole
So wide you could reach inside
With chopsticks like a ramen bowl
Removed all the lies like Pinnochio's nose Then I got my real vice
You could call it the main course

As you slumped over
And heard my footsteps retreating
I'd be more focused on checking
If your heart's still beating
It's not deceiving
That you were begging for your life
But you knew I had a surprise in store
When you opted for the knife

I'm at the borderline
Between suicide and anger
Rage fills my veins
Until pain displaces hate
With fate sometimes interlaced

The confines of closed doors
And shattered dreams
Bringing memories and stinging lies
Behind my eyes
Before I sleep

Thoughts are cheap
And each preaching adamant to proclaim
That nothing can tame the victim
Or hero placed inside my shame

Can't maintain
In fact I'm barely surviving
I used to have epiphanies
But now there's only whisperings
Of how I'm dying

There's no honor in this service
It's a ******* circus
Clowns running around with spitting wires And loose circuits
Power trips hungry like sharks in a lake
But these big fish demonstrate
Their "authority"
More like lobsters in a tank

Don't talk to me like you know
What honor means
When the value is lost
It is simply a traditional proclivity
Duty means showing up on time
Fully pressed and clean
When the pretense you must respect
Is history

I get there are brave men who died in uniform
But for most of us it's living life dying
In the perfect storm

I've got three friends who turned out dead Who didn't fight in a war
Aside from the one inside their head

People throw around time
Like it means nothing
Saying in three years it'll be fine
And then you can be something
But I'm perfectly aware of my capabilities
It's only the needless restrictions
Working circles to nowhere
They call it Liberty

Pushing down every last reaction
Until I'm not a person anymore
Just a part of the faction to shut me up
And close the door
Thank me for my service
Or just shame me for the benefits
But you do not get to blame me
For not receiving this as Genesis

I hold my breath, say a prayer
And roll the dice
And that's the rat race anyone serving
Knows as military life

I first felt the ferrous fissures
Delivering shivering quivers
Down my spine
As each chime took the light
Outside of our present days

Then the shakes grew into tension
My naked, sobering suspension
Was left never to mention
Nor whisper what I needed to say

And when I asked you of this
You withdrew so quick
I only had time to trace the lines
Of your escaping shadow

Holding on to tentative strings
And all the small things
You left for me to find
The same gray forests of signs
And silent ways

Designs you used to craft and convey
With clever ease
Laughter beseeching my thoughts
Silence now haunting my dreams
They are now presently looming
Cold coniferous trees

It's not as if I can pretend
Like simply taking paper and pen
Could possibly remedy this
When I have to look down forever
At the ink staining my foot, leg, and wrist
I'm convinced that I created this fate
Because it seems in this picture frame
I'm the one who made a mistake

You carry the hate in your heart
like it's been priveleged to you

My misgivings have now adopted
the persona that I imbue

I faced the other way as we faded
when you withdrew

You suffer daily
and face this struggle alone

Claiming everybody abandoned you
and did you wrong

But you don't lose me
Like I've told you all along

You're a mean one
Mr. *****
You really are an eel
You're as affable as cancer
And your laughter doesn't stick
Mr *****
*****
You're a two bit phony
One trick pony with...
Little to no *** appeal!

You're a shyster
Mr. *****
Your mark's a hallow roll
Your game is pulling wires
Framing "liars" is your goal
Mr *****
*****
You have all the elusive fleeting of a
twice repeating
CEO board meeting!

You're a sly one
Mr. *****
You have silver on your teeth
You have all the slender slickness
Characteristics of deceit
Mr *****
*****!!!

Given the choice between you and cancer it may take me a while to answer but I think that I would rather take my chances with the....
TERMINAL LIFESTYLE!!!!!!

You wish for me to put in words
What I have to say
Like the answers that I've given
On their own
Could never relay
They come and go
Touch on fate
Dissipate and replicate
The disingenuous nature
That you frequently necessitate

Extend your olive branch
Then act like you feed me
When the branches are famished
Needy, condescending and deceiving Conceiving that I'm the villain
When I don't respond to how you react
Like you could perpetuate in me
The supposition for your tact

The fact that you lack any original clarity
Is the reason I'd never reach to you
Like I was Seraphim
The simple reason
That I'm writing all of this
Is simply just to prove to you
That I don't have to convince
I don't have to persist
Rehash, then reminisce
Like treading through faded memories with you
Will satiate my daily fix

I resist
Because I know exactly where I'm headed And you insist because that truth
Is what keeps us separate

Every second
You playcate on a pretense
When your intentions are crystal clear
And I can't provide that service
Or serve that purpose
While I'm standing here

To be perfectly honest
I never promised you anything
All I did was sigh and reply
To how your heart would so readily sing
Then you project your insecurities
Directly to my face
As if I was the one who gave them rise
Within the first place

Protecting your manipulations
While contemplating your motives
Are exactly the reasons we're done
Before we even started
I'm sick of being a punching bag
For someone acting devoted

And now it's been denoted
I've written you off, this story is done
This time you're in the subject line
Because you are truly NOT the one

It begins with a soft bite
That quickly forms into a leech
Beseeching my thoughts...
Controlling my speech..
Preaching important matters
Carrying potential to teach
All their essential condescending
Never-endings out of reach

Yet the pitfall arrives
When I choose to listen
With sighs and ghosted thoughts
The result of some or other condition
Bolstering a vision with apt precision
When every remission indicates
The necessary revision

Envy stifles a stern conviction
Jealousy trifles within final prediction
Anger endangers calm
Making strangers within this perdition
Bring it all in as I wriggle and writhe
Because I am to blame
For all of my pride

...It stays inside

As soon as my cards were shown I decided to fold. I can't keep this under control while I'm so vulnerable. Yet another rapport thrown in the fire and tossed out the door... And I'm so **** gullible. I watch this bridge burn from a distance before it will mend. Yet again the result of desiring you-
More than a friend

I'm nervously staring at a blank page
I can not concentrate
Why can I not explain how deranged
These thoughts will range before I engage with another
Leaving everything getting to me beneath the surface
While asking after others

Internal whispers hint on my actions
Each infraction gains traction
As I fail to supplement the latter with a fraction of a rebuttle
All the while huddling in a corner and never subtle
Like a mortar ready to explode yet I self-implode each time
Because I refuse to unload
It makes my mind the victim within this fight

The fact that I will not attack but rather act and pretend
Like this suspension will defend me or better yet transcend me
Is another cover until exactly when?
Otherwise pending
How selfishly imposed is my level of deceit
Not a second of relief for I am a liar and a thief
To expose copiously my own hopeless struggle crumbling me

But if I don't take this venom that's coursing through me
If I don't choose lemons over poison
That's it, I'm done C'est la vie, ***** me
I'll write out each and every buffer
For this montage of self-sabotage isn't quite enough
To make me suffer

No.

It seems I need to be hit with lightning nineteen times while struck from behind and intertwined in the jaws of a great white shark before anything productive happens or anything creative sparks. Before I utilize the clandestine confines of this mind to do or say or think of something smart. Just another day to start another chapter in the story of my life. I've come so far and fought so hard to stay away from that knife. Known recognition through prepositions giving meaning to my trifles and tremblings, be they lucid dreams or presently vivid memories...

And never feigning, only straining harder each day
Contemplating carefully
The words that I say
The thoughts that I convey
The everyday reality that's now so far away

What can I do to replace the voices haunting me?
Flaunting their perfect prisms
And what I'll never be

Its never enough
And that's just too much..
Stealing my serene
Leaving me unclean
And never free

There are fleeting patches of light
Within my confused and idled mind
What once was abundant with mercy
Has now presently been confined
I find myself
Picturing the worst within the frame
Yet not wishing to let those wild thoughts
Go about Untamed

Its like a game you play by yourself
When all the lights are out
In the dark without a spark
And no one to call for help
Is this the conflict of a broken promise
Or simply present tense
Am I justified within my suspense
Or should I rather...
Attempt to condense

Even though this makes sense
It could easily be that or the other
Don't get me started on the similarities
Between interactions happening
With she
And my distant mother

I don't wish to smother her
Only desire my peace of mind
I'm determined to soothe the fire
Before leaving everything behind

I don't want to call you a liar
But its where I find myself treading
Like that one event suddenly made a dent
And fissures started spreading
Like every last thing could be a deception
Manifesting what I believe
And I don't think I'll really get to know
Is it you
Or is it me?

The fact of the matter is that you
Choose to believe
There's no reprieve
From this constant, continual...
Consistent deceit
This contraceptive perception
Manifesting what you believe
'What happens once will come again'
From that there's no relief

That which you take heed from
Is imprinted on your skin
As if you can't reach within
For matters intimate
Second guessing and stressing
While vacantly sedated
Placating under false pretenses
-Keeping sated

-Faded
Like you were the product
Of this aftermath
Attacking the apt capability
Of all you lack
-Underhanded
In the most subtle approach
This perpetual cognizant apparition
Of these ghosts

Furthermore
They boast and beg recognition
Putting prescriptions to their name
Like defacing prepositions
Could well esteem their fame

I maintain that I refuse
To be a product of the masses
Drifting whimsically and making victims From my caprices

The end result of my fate
Never created hate
Only this conditioned position
From which I now must escape

I'd rather sit
Listen and contemplate
Than justify my shame
I'll take the pain
Of my twisted thoughts
Before letting them run astray

No one pray for me
Because I've done this once before
And sanction I will find
Within this mind
Before I hit the floor

Once I had a dream that I'd found Elysium
My convictions were beyond reproach
Placing restraints on my silver tongue
I approached a well and drank of it deep
I'd lose sleep within the stirrings of each ripple
Convincing myself the reflection I saw was me
And that we were together in that shallow water

Now I'm responsible for my perdition
Because I tell lies before I close my eyes
And as I fall into this subtle remission
I'll surely drown
On my own, without a sound
Smiling as I feel my lifeless body sink
Because once I had a dream that I'd found Elysium

But it was just a dream
Still a dream
Only a dream

A sailor well knows while far away from home
To slowly lower the brim of his cover
Hold fast, and swallow his pride
For to display pointless emotion
While with faithful, intended devotion
In the middle of the ******* ocean...
Can only lengthen the great and terrible divide
He hides his chagrin, well versed
Sticks out his chin, lets out a curse
And simply lets the time pass by
The burdens back home he must face alone
Because he simply cannot be at her side

The borders of insanity with every last calamity
Only strengthen his stubborn resolve
For the smile on her face can't be replaced
So tirelessly without rest he does his best
For not to allow the world around her revolve

Every mile that tries to cheapen
Her now bent oblique belief weakening
Misleading, deceiving grievances on repeat
Hours spent askance with no chance for relief
Are all accounted for and held seperate
For soon he comes back to find her
Her sad eyes a gentle reminder
And that reward has him addicted and so desperate

Don't ask him why he has no alibi ready
Why he would rather die than break down
This life at sea is rough
And unsteady enough
Without her being around

So when he flashes you that grin
Do not think it disingenuous
There's no convoluted, contorted distortion
Or disproportionate sentiment carried within
Its only the aftermath from living this life of sin

This rocking boat will clutch your throat
And bring you down on your knees
For we understand love that's torn
And know to never get too warm
Because sailors aren't born, we are forged
Within the depths of harsh winds and roiling seas

What if children are actually the wisest beings on the planet?

And the state in which we call "the development period" before they learn to talk is when they are trying their best to convey all of the secrets of life and death to you?

All children can justifiably do this because their "innocence" as we perceive it is actually the profound wisdom to come of living an entire lifetime that still exists within them. Hence, they have left the troubles of this world behind and still remember passing images and details of what happens after this.

When they figure out they can't actually speak to you for some reason, they then begin to act in the most candid manner to demonstrate their knowledge. And because perhaps, you too have experienced another life or even multiple lives before the one that you're living, you catch on to bits and pieces of what they are demonstrating and appreciate that.

Then, since these little ethereal beings are learning to be human again and you're the first people they meet and spend the most time with, they want to identify with you.

So the beginnings of what we call "personality" are really just the congenial memories to the secrets of the universe shared between parents and children. And eventually, the child grows up and.forgets all their secrets, only to remember them as they live life once again. There's gotta be something to that adage where people refer to the elderly reverting back to their childlike selves, after all!

.

I will continue to live each day
Talking to myself telling little lies
And I will die out when I'm gone
Leaving a big nothing behind

It will be as though I never was
Turning my back
To my disappearing footsteps
And an evaporating essence

Only, there is no heaven
And the truth is
There never was

I don't fear your darkness
Surreptitiously speaking
With a condescending voice
You think you're keeping
My eyes gaze is never far away
And the glint in your eyes
Tells me more than it has to say

The fact that some would run reeling
At the side of yourself shown
You find less appealing
Is a cynical fiber
Which you've taken to reeling
While weeping and reaching
For understanding and feeling
I can only display what escapes
From concealing

Revealing to you
My own demon's caress
And how it yearns for intervention
And feigns duress
Until you show up with your mess
In its subtlety
And it admires your candor
Right there where you lay
How you live with fear
Yet still show up on display

And not for a moment
Do you hide from the past
With a heart stitched on your sleeve
It remains steadfast
So I'll reach for you
Here and now at last
Before the intoxication fades
And we think too fast
Will you come play with me?

My cell phone lights up
Its my friend George:
Come back to the hospital Chris
You cannot afford to miss this

I stare at my withered face a little longer
in the mirror
My reflection has been torn asunder
I look tired, unfit to wear the uniform
thrown under my desk
Combing my hair, checking my teeth
I allow this present demon to dissipate
Amongst the broken tendrils
of haunting thoughts
And a horrible screaming cacophony

Meeting my gaze and preparing
for whatever the weather
has become outside
Pulled by a premise of the reprisal
to my fantasy
Perhaps the length of this silence
Is actually foreshadowing a miracle
I believe

I'm led by the shadows
of alternate realities
Harnessing the power to stifle this sequestering doubt
and all my fears
As I shut the door, I walk with footsteps
That imagine running to greet you
Holding you tight and holding back tears
As if it was the first time I'd meet you

I strengthen my resolve
It brings me pain to revolve
My strained thoughts
Around fairy tales
All the while Jacoby Shaddix is echoing
'She loves me not'
My third eye blind pushes me in
'The background'
And simultaneously, I tell myself
'Keep the soul, that's control'

I feel my heart pounding in my chest
Beads of sweat trace the lines of my palms
Because I know that if I had seen her today
I could leave everything else behind
It would all be beautifully different
Instead I receive the most disappointing news this week

Because I've learned that when the difference between
What you know and what you believe
Is rubbed in your nose and laid at your feet
Even that cupcake...
And everything else is bittersweet