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My zeal and consumption
Reveal the dysfunction
While determining each compunction Attained from my blind spot

There's no restraint
Only beligerant justification
Of how you somehow fit
Into the conducive picture
When I'm caught

And because I can't see it
I remain elusive
Telling you where the shoe fits
Telling you what the truth is
All the while preaching
That I'm so introspective
And also failing to ascertain
My own negligence

Sabotaging everything that I have
When I'm left feeling bad
By some kind of red flag
Raising false alarms
Sounding like the war
In my pin cushion heart

If I listened
I'd hear your quiet
Dismissive confessions
Instead of invisible projections
And the lies I tell myself
That have become manifested

If I had to guess
I'm sweating for fear of rejection
Yet you didn't even raise that question
It's the guise under which I hide
For protection
Revealing my true colors

I need to stop being so defensive
Of my never ending cycle
And take heed
That what's been (them)
Is merely ashes in the wind
While this (us) is revival
Written 20JUL20 @ 4:36 AM
Capturing what you want to see
In the shattered picture frame
Putting the pieces together on your own Wearing rose tinted shades
Hearing your own jovial melody
To the song that's out of tune
Talking yourself through
The same familiar feeling in your room
You'd find flowers there
And be better prepared
If you only saw them bloom

If only you listened
They'd tell you what's missing
In your spaces in between
And how you're the only one
When all is said and done
Who still waits and believes

Your faith is mistaken
Your pain is misshapen
Forever replacing
Another clever ruse
For you're only delusional
And never fooling anyone else
When you think you get to choose
Written 05Jul20 @1130 CST
I'm missing all the vivacious surprises
Bright places
You never come running to find
When I'm not caught looking
At the aftermath left from behind
The passing time would fly
When I'm lying listless in bed
Instead of being trapped there for hours
While inside of my head

I am holding on unsteady
To your already gone
That song played on repeat
The same one that saved me
"There must be something in the water"
Before tears descend my cheek
I don't want you to hear
A sudden drawn in breath
Breaking my thin veneer

I fear something escaped
From my parted quivering lips
Like a whisper too soft
Lost from grasping fingertips
It hits only once
Then gets tossed in the mix
Because I'm guilty
Of letting myself reminisce

My two cents is my refrain
Because I let in bliss
And found you yet again
Persisting we weren't meant
But only for the big empty

Turns out I'm not who you're looking for
On top of the ledge
I'm the lemon wedge
Twisted and dripping
Into your open wounds

The truth is I don't live
Within these precious
Ephemeral moments
I only bear witness
To what I've missed
The instant I've blown it

And I'm so lonely.
I was looking forward
To finally come home to you
I'm so tired of roaming
The world is a cold place
When nobody knows me

I thought if only...
You wanted to know me too

You'd be my only exception, my paramore
And I already know that's not the story
You spelled it out with ink from your heart
With your own closed door...
Anyways, I'm sorry to implore

And for finding all of your bright places
I thought I'd be the luminous candle
To dispel your concealed dark
Instead of revealing empty spaces
"Feels like we're on the edge right now. I wish that I could say I'm proud. I'm sorry that I let you down." The highlighted quote is borrowed from Lewis Capaldi.

Written 06/28/2020
I feel your heart dripping with saturation
To the point of sedation
It makes you afraid and stray away
From all your playcating
Playful ways being sated

And my own pain has been harbored
Within my lonesome self hatred
For many years at a time
Creating empty spaces

But you are not vacant
Within the confines of your walls
You're only frightened of slipping
Or falling at all

But you speak to me
With the shine in your eyes
In between the words you say
You're a clever artist
Gone, lost and departed
With what you convey

I refrain from saying too often
That I see your approach soften
Because you're lying there naked
Inside of your coffin

Beckoning sweetly for me to meet you Somewhere in the ground
So that we can exchange soft phrases
Without making a sound
Never again will I pull you away
When you don't want to be found...

Just know I'm listening
To your splendid reminiscence
I'm not giving in
To my own cognitive dissonance
Now that I see you clearly
And I feel you dearly
I want you near me

There's no fear and no pain
I'll be hanging around
Waiting to call out your name
Until the time comes
For us to say goodbye
Anyways, I love you
I had the time of my life
I will never forget you. Written 05/19/20
Cassi is soon found sleeping
Snoozing to soothing dreaming
The sound of thunderstorms
Keeping her tucked in and warm
Just before the day's retreat
After every last demon's defeat
She crosses her heart and hopes to keep
Then she wakes up once more

She's always tired of the never ending
Forever deceitful and cruel sun setting
The last unicorn forlorn and despondent
From all that transpired
And how she responded

She feels left alone within the shell
From her former glory
This private hell with a tragic story
No alibis with idle categories
Can reform her broken immortality

Yet her mighty veneer
Will soon be restored
If only as soon as Schmendrick is ready
Or Prince Lir reminds her of the magic
Beset within her weary heart
She's never forgetting
She's not the last of her kind
Because that's not her ending

You said to hold on

Because you're a little unsteady
While the color in your eyes
I won't be forgetting
No matter the trail or dissent
Tufted footfalls lead while treading
I'm right beside you
Whenever you're ready
This is dedicated. Written beginning 05/17 and finished 05/19/20
A Saint's fall from grace
Was written in subtle remission
Misgiving the unknown lengths
Within his impending perdition

He sits alone with Familiar near
Drawing permissive ethereal energy
Through a single ring finger
Seemingly from nowhere

Incoming ancient rites
Through unprecedented sight
Which is merely a foreplay
Unto the forays of his personal plight

For he lays with the knowledge
Of angels, deities, and Divine kings
Paralyzed within these confines
And unable to speak
The peril of an incorrigible feral beast Presently feeding on his precious sleep

A sanctified clandestine ritual
Opaque within the haze
For the utter ignorance of his current form Can not be fazed

All the while perched above him looming
The orders of the past
Which cast his imminent ruin
Strangulated by a single urgent thought
To which is owed his undoing

An existence to remain subservient
Fluid, and entirely alone
As was the expedient nature
Of his excommunication from the throne

And though he's been devoted
Thoughtful and reminiscent
There still lies a lingering shadow
Dissipating in the distance
The latter to which can not be replaced
With any amount of insistence

For ice burns the veins
That label him a Saint
There's no way to defame
Or ever replace an ordained vocation

Innate spun the tine of the fate's Creation
Needless abandon to pursue explanation When the weight of his burden
Entirely subdues resignation

It's simply the ripples of the current Resounding within his present station

Whispering into the deep heart of his fear
With it's morbid, amorphous face
Ever reminding him the story
Of his final fall from grace
Written 05May2020 at 0439 after waking up from a nightmare at 0200 and immediately thrown into the second spiritual experience of my lifetime
"You can not die in a soul prison
You can only be reborn."

If I am destined to die this day
My preemptive fate is to endure
The cross's burden of the reincarnate
This cryptic incantation spurned
If not reanimated by concentric hatred
Burning within like a fire concentrated

I can think of
No better form of poetic justice
Than to be subjected to yet
Another lifetime
Of helpless suffering

Screaming at my creator
Without an articulate tongue
My thrashing heart weighed against
The pure and chaste plume of the Dove

I've already been designated
For another trip around His Sun
The vast black hole of gases
Worshipped as a God

And when my eyes meet their demise
And I'm lifted from this fable dream
I'll bare my tortured soul once again
Returning petrified and unable to scream
Thanks to the creators of The Midnight Gospel for the inspiration.
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