i will put on my dress and slip on my shoes
and look myself in the eyes.
me to me
saying goodbye.

goodbye to all the hatred.
goodbye to all the anger.
goodbye to all the jealousy.
goodbye to me.

i will lay down on the earth
waiting to be absorbed into the rich soil
and pray and pray and pray

that when i am rebirthed.
i am every bit as beautiful
but new.

you are like the desert.
you hide beauty beneath layers
and layers
and layers
of dullness.

you cower from the world.  
hot in the sun but cool at night.
you contain more life than one could ever imagine

your chest forms the sand dunes
your arms are carved from stone

i could get lost in you
my desert

overflowing with love

now here I am
trying to pull myself from this drought

I miss drowning

do you feel safe within yourself?
do your beliefs battle your feelings?




what can i do to fight a winning battle?

are you proud to carry your father's name?
the weight of all your family sitting at the end of your title.

do you whisper it to yourself as you look in the mirror? do you search out his face in yours?
do you find the man that you remember? or do you find that man who still walks the earth?

people always tell you
"you have your father's eyes"
but even with his eyes you can't seem to find any part of him in you. except for his name.
stapled onto yours.

my spine a garden trellis
waiting for new growth.

every spring anticipating
every season. slumbering.
waiting.

wishing for the next new blossoms
the next new gorgeous flower

to climb, and Climb, and CLIMB
interweaving in each vertebrae.

when i feel your gaze rest upon me
a weight is lifted from my heart
and another is placed upon my throat.
for when you (who is perfect)
and i (who is ******)
join eyes like the mixing of mud and
water
you steal my words and tear out my voice
imprison me within your sight
and i comply.
for it is you (who is perfect)
and i (who is ******)

i miss myself.

the smell when i got out of the shower
my laugh
looking in the mirror and smiling
telling people i love them

when did being myself become something that wasn’t important anymore?

first nature is sadness and
second nature is you.
once the second nature dies
the first nature returns.
primary being.
where I am sad.

you came as a habit that stuck
you left like a part of me being ripped away
return second nature
come back

please?

you make me want to kiss one thousand
other people.
so that maybe for a split second
i could forget how much i love you.

but why would i give myself up?
you are all i want.

soft yellow glow
surrounding you
a halo.

each curve
so delicate
like clouds.

the smile
you give to me
pure sunlight.

my heaven.
my love.
you are here forever
waiting to welcome me  
into safety.

what is in between your legs?
honeysuckle and heavy cream?




can i have a taste?

i no longer pray for forgiveness.
i pray for growth.
and for me

that is enough.

ten days i will spend
asking for forgiveness
praying for redemption
getting down upon my bones
and whimpering at your feet.

please
kick me while i'm down.
to feel the snap of your toe
against my ribcage
is better than nothing at all.

on your knees to pray
for purity, forgiveness
no one will listen.

you fit into me.
and i fit into you.
where we slid into place.
was something I never thought we'd do.

since we breathed as one.
where we slid into place.
how your weight fell on my chest.
how your hand stroked my waist.

the way you pressed in closer.
how your weight fell on my chest.
when your eyelids heavied.
while your hand brushed my breast.

we layed as one.
the world fell silent.

i watch each act
you're putting on
i clap at intermission

but i can see right through
your costume
yes i can truly listen

with every laugh
you belt out
i hear you loud and clear

while the rest of
the whole audience roars
in your skin you shake with fear

you've put on this show
too often
not enough rest between nights

that you and i both know now
you're imprisoned by the
spotlights.

just like the flowers
i must lose something
to become beautiful again.

now here i am growing.

you thought i was dead didn't you?

dripping in your love
i find myself licking each finger
and savoring the sweetness.

your approval tastes like chamomile,
blackberries, and melted icecream.
the taste of you is even sweeter.

to be here
drenched in your affection
is the most saccharine dream
i could ever hope to imagine.

you love growth
and so do i.
why can't we grow together?
why are you the only one allowed to flourish?

i don't believe in religion.
but if you believe that jesus
was resurrected.
that eve was created in
adam's image.
that moses parted the red sea.

that a woman cannot love a woman
without sinning.

then i will not bother you
with my love.

does that make me a sin?
or a temptation?

you say that religion is a blessing.
but for me

it's a ******* curse.

i breathed in the smoke
that charred my lungs
in hopes that you had seen

the smoke that caused
my chords to crack
and left my voice so mean

but you who whispers softly
and you who speaks with care
could not seem to understand
why i chose the poison air.

you said i am
d i s g u s t i n g
you said i should get
h e l p

so yes you maybe scorned me.
and yes you maybe saw.
and that was what i asked for.
wasn't it?

when for you i broke the law

to test the waters
where they are fast and cold
or lucid and warm
tips of toes dipping in.

to sample flavors
where they are harsh and bitter
or creamy and sweet
tips of tongues dipping in.

my life has been a drought
spent waiting for a storm.
to fix me
and bring life.
now here you are,
showering me with love.

when will I be okay again?