The day I met him I fainted. I can't say it was his fault as it was hours before we saw each other, but I think it was the universes way of foreshadowing the wave that was about to break over me. We rarely notice the universe's foreshadowing, but if we did we would save ourselves from so much trouble. If only you had noticed the way his hands shake like your fathers did after he came home from the bar. If only you had paid attention to her inability to ever answer the simple question of, "how are you.”

He looked at her like she was meant to be looked at. Not like he wanted her, not like he needed her, but like he knew she was his person and he was hers and they would be each others for the rest of their lives.

"What was it like to lose him?"

"It isn't one single feeling when it happens. It's an empty feeling, that follows you around forever and ever."

-bcg (it never leaves)

Convince him to get a new hair cut and when he does, notice the way it doesn't frame his face the way it used to and how his shaved head reminds you of your cousin who, as your mom said, enlisted too young. Listen to him, really listen to him when he talks and watch the way his mouth automatically turns to a smile after every single sentence he utters. Make note of every time he laughs at his own joke. When he tosses you a compliment picture his last person and how they must have felt when he tossed the same line to them. As you're lying in bed try to recall the time before he called you his and consider how long you wanted him. Remember the way you memorized his drink orders and the sweater he always wore on Tuesday. Realize that you stopped memorizing him the day he confessed to memorizing you. Bring him to social gatherings and become annoyed with the way he clings to you. Catch him staring at you at least three times in one day and when the day is over compare that number to the zero amount of times you found yourself gazing his way. His voice will come to annoy you and it is important that instead of shutting it out, you let it in. Eventually this annoyance will turn into hatred so you have to let every word sink in. Don't listen to your friends tell you how nice he is and ignore the voice in your head telling you that you have to be happy because he treats you right, unlike the last one. Let it finally hit you that you no longer like him, when you find yourself at 2am crying, in a dark room illuminated only by the light of a computer screen displaying the last picture you have of the man you actually love.

I don't just miss you when I'm lonely, darling

I miss you when I'm in a room full of people
and someone tells a joke
and I look around the room for you
and I just want to see if you're laughing
just to see your smiling face
that's all I want

I don't just miss you when I'm lonely, darling
It's when I'm happy too

I still can't sleep at night because you wander across my eyelids,
but you'll never know.

Listening to a song when I close my eyes and my mind travels to another world
Where your hands are around my waste and we are moving with the music
My head is on your chest and you are whispering my name into my ear
Your hand is in mine like its supposed to be and I am hours like I'm supposed to be
But then I open my eyes, take a breath, and try to forget we were almost meant to be
{bcg}

She wishes for simplicity
She wishes for an out
She wishes and she cries
But you'll never ever hear her shout

Cause she loves the way you hold her
So close and so dear
She pulls you in closer, it's just for your ears to hear

She says
"I'm falling quick and I'm falling fast
So don't ever try to pull me back
Let me go
Let me be
Cause I'm an anchor
And I'm falling into the sea"

"You aren't supposed to step on the cracks, I'll tell on you," I stick my tongue out at his comment and he laughs. I saunter closer to him on the street as we close in on our destination and he wraps his arm around me. We are just about to the pet store when Peter pulls on my hand and stops on the sidewalk. I turn around confused, "What's wrong? Having doubts?"
"No, I just want to make sure you aren't."
"I'm fine, I want to do this. I'm ready, I promise."
"Do you think we're going to fast?"
I laugh and he smiles sheepishly, "I don't want you to get scared again, I don't want to rush you."
"Trust me, Peter, I'm ready for this. Let's get engaged."

We walk hand in hand into the pet store and pick out our little puppy, our ring, and our promise to each other. He's more playful than the others and his right ear won't stay upright. I like his dopy looking half smile and Peter likes his boundless energy.

After we leave the store with our new family member, Peter bends down to look eye to eye with Marshal. I watch him whisper something in his ear and it almost looks as if Marshall nods. I giggle as Peter straightens up and ask him what he had said. Peter turns to me and smiles the same kind of dopy grin Marshall had and says, "Oh I just warned him not to step on any cracks, as I am very fond of this back."

He places his hand on the small of my back and we walk down the street like everything that was meant to be, was being, and we were at the center of it all.

-bcg (we always talked about getting a dog as an engagement ring)

I'm here and you're there.

-a five words ******* tragedy (the plane ticket you gave me is sitting on my mantle and i stare at it through the 2am tears)

“Do you still think about me?”
“Well, I don’t think about you as much as you think about me.”

2. “I’m yours and you’re mine, for now”

3. “I like you”
No response.

4. “We just don’t make sense.”
“But right now, with me laying in your arms, with my head on your chest, laughing about the weather, don’t we make a little bit of sense?”
“No.”

5. “This is getting too hard, I can’t keep doing this. I don’t think we should talk anymore.
“Okay.”
“What are you thinking?”
“How mad you would be if I said, “Well this was fun,” and hung up on you”

6. “If you told me to stay, I would stay. Just ask me to stay, please.”
“I’m not going to beg you, if you want to go. Just go.”

-bcg (things i laughed off, but shouldn’t have)

6/23/14
2:34am
Him: okay, well what's your biggest fear? Or (even better) what do you despise the most?
Her: um... Time
Him: haha why?
Her: i guess it's just that it's impossible to win a fight against time

8/14/14
12:11am
Him: it just doesn't make sense.
Her: what doesn't?
Him: us.
Her: why?
Him: we just aren't at the same places in our lives, we can't keep doing this.
Her: you can't fight for us, for what we are, for everything we could be?
Him: it's impossible to win a fight against timing.

“-----, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending. I love you and I care about you and even though I’m trying to play it cool and act like I don’t care, you are everything to me. And the worst part is, I think you know that. I think you know that you can change my mood in one sentence, in one unreturned call. Yet you still don’t give a ****. And you know what, ----- I deserve more. I deserve more than spending my nights in a puddle of blood on the bathroom floor because you hurt me so much I had to hurt myself for my body to understand it. And I used to know that I deserve more, but somewhere between you being a stranger and you being my all, I forgot that I deserve better.
I know I told you I could handle it. I know you think I can be okay with always being your second choice. And I know you think I’m cynical and that I don’t believe in white horses and princes and fairytale endings. But I do, -----, I do. I know you think because of all the **** I’ve been through I’ve learned that nothing ever turns out okay, there is never a happy ending. But I haven’t, -----, I haven’t given up. I still have hope and I know it’s naïve and I know it’s stupid, but I still have hope that maybe, just maybe, someday you will choose me and you will keep choosing me for the rest of our lives.”

-the drunken, “just saying hi,” message left on the answering machine at 2am

laying on the floor i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the desperation
a song to understand the hurt
a song to to understand that sometimes it won't get better

walking through the streets i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the mask
a song to understand the covering up
a song to understand that sometimes faking it won't get rid of the hurt

standing in the middle of the floor i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the confusion
a song to understand the guilt
a song to understand that sometimes I can't take another step

but there is no song
there are no lyrics
there is no instrument
it's silence without you

I never told my mother about you
I knew it would be ******* her
And even harder on me
So I just never told her

But sometimes I would feel sad
Because something reminded me of you
And I would get up and go to the bathroom
Because I couldn't cry in front of her

She has no idea the hurt I was in
She has no idea the pain I endured
She has no idea what I had so
She has no idea what I lost

But a song will come on
While we are riding in the car
And my eyes start tearing up
And I can't tell her why
And she feels so bad she starts to cry

I've given so many excuses
Allergies, the wind, an eyelash
And even though she doesn't believe me she doesn't pressure
Because she understands the truth must be too painful for her ears
{bcg}

I know you care. Even when you told me things that hurt so bad I had to use a blade against my own skin for my body to make sense again. Even when you literally showed me how little I mattered to you. Even when you stopped loving me the first time. Even when you watched in silence as I begged for you to ask me to stay. Even now when I haven’t heard from you for so long and I am so close to the edge.

I know you care because you always cared, just not enough.

-bcg (i dont know how long i can keep holding on)

Some days I can't stop thinking about you and some days I wonder why I start.
{bcg}

“What I like most about relationships is hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for the future. Looking forward to every single day, looking forward to waking up and talking or falling asleep and dreaming of them.
Relationships are not just about living in the moment. They are not about looking into each others eyes and seeing love, but looking toward a future and seeing love. And it’s not that I don’t want a future with you, it’s that I can’t even see it.
When I close my eyes I imagine being with you, but only from our past. I want to see us in the future. I want to see us lying in bed next to eachother and laughing at the coffee with spilled on the new sheets. I want to see us making meals together and walking the dogs at twilight.
But all I can see, all I can think about, is every moment I’ve spent with you. Every moment I’ve been with you. Every glance, every smile, every touch, every kiss, every time you whispered my name as I pulled you closer.
My mind never drifts to tomorrow- like it should- it drifts to the past. And the worst part is I can’t tell you. If I ever told you about my inability to see a future I know what you would think. You would think that means I want to say goodbye. You’ll think that means I don’t want you to keep calling and your name to keep showing up on my screen.
I want you to give me a future. Give me a tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be much, just one little thing I can hold on to; that can poke a hole in the darkness in front of me. I look at you and part of me wants to cry because I can only see the past. I can only see the memories. I can’t see tomorrow. So just give me a few words so that I can be a little less sad and I can see a little more future.”

-bcg (an excerpt from the book I’ll never write)

You're gone and no amount of music will bring you back to me.

You're talking to someone else?

Yeah, but it's different.

You talk to him everyday, you text him every night, he knows you... How is it different?

     I talk to you, I respond to him. I love you, I fill time with him. He’s there for me, I’m still waiting on you.

you gave me a prince
then told him i wasn't his princess

you gave me a knight
then told him i wasn't worth the war

you gave me a savior
then you told him i wasn't worth saving

i loved him
i loved him even though i was too young to know what love was
i loved him
and you took him from me

our story needed to be shared
it was epic
with moments of divine beautiful happiness
and moments of raw animalistic pain
so i attempted to write it down

it took me years of reliving every detail
writing on napkins in coffee shops
and receipts in grocery stores

it took me years of memories
three suicide attempts
and two men i never really loved

i finished last night
i finished our story
------------------------------------
and then my screen lit up
and then the walls came down
and then i realized our story hasn't ended
all we've been through is the prologue

Kids compare their love to the stars. Citing celestial forces in their rooftop, late night, parents-can't-hear, stolen-beer vows. They compare the way their hands combine to constellations ever present in the night sky. I trashed this misconception in the back of a Chevrolet with the married man I was with that day when he compared our love to the moon and sun and how ours was a forbidden one. There wasn't a notion of poetry in his slurred words, just a man so scared of growing old he needed the comfort of a child, to soothe his soul. You and me, you and the person I am trying to be, don't need the sun or the moon or the stars in the sky, we just need the TV set on a Tuesday night. We fell in love in the daylight, in parks down the street. We fell for each other, not the universe, that before you, had tortured me. We don't need space suits to look into each other's eyes and know that it's here, right here, on this couch where we first made love that we call home. The kids can keep their zodiac signs and universe themed metaphors because our love can't be illustrated with astrological analogies. It's complicated and messy and hurtful and hard, but loving you is the best thing I’ve ever done, right here on earth.


-bcg (we fell in love in the daylight, so what happens when the sun goes down)

i don't know why you left

was it the miles between our calls
or the years between
because if so id understand
was it the secrets
or having to keep things from me
because if so id understand

but if it was not loving enough
if it was not caring
if it was boredom
or if you just stopped liking me
i don't understand

because I loved enough for the both of us
and you always said you cared
and we always had something to discuss
you said you liked me even if you only would on a dare
and you swore you'd never lied to me
so i know you spoke the truth
when you said I'm yours and you're mine this time
{bcg}

I've heard people say, "You know you're in love when all the songs make sense."
Well after loving you I know that to be untrue.

I've been with many people and I understood what the songs were saying.

I knew I was in love when none of the songs could encapsulate the way I felt. I had to write my own songs. There was no combination of notes or words already in the universe that explained what I knew to be true.

Thank you for teaching me that when you're in love; the songs don't just make sense.

You feel so much when you’re in love, you have to write your own songs.

Home is supposed to be safe
Home isn't supposed to desert you
Home is supposed to love you unconditionally
Home isn't supposed to make you want to pull out the blade
Hope is supposed to be comfortable
Home isn't supposed to require little white pills
Home is supposed to be you
Home isn't supposed to be killing me

I keep reading quotes about just wanting to be simple with someone. Just wanting to lay in bed and eat pizza with their person. Nothing special, something simple.

That's the stupidest **** I've ever heard. There is nothing simple about being in love.

So I don't want simple.
I want you. No matter what you come with, no matter how complicated it gets, no matter when we end.

I want you and there is nothing simple about that.

Three months ago, before we started talking regularly again, I asked you a question. You probably wouldn’t remember, it was a fleeting moment so long ago, but I remember. I remember thinking before I asked it, I remember nervously awaiting your response, I remember assuming you would respond in a joke.

But you didn’t.

You weren’t happy, and while you said it in a much more eloquent and well thought out way, I saw the sadness in your eyes.

And here we are now and I just felt like you should know that every single time I almost hung up, every single time I almost didn’t laugh off one of your cruel jokes, every single time I was one glass away from calling you and telling you to go **** yourself because you were killing me so slowly sometimes I would forget you even were. Every single time, I would stay on the call, I would laugh off the joke, I would put down the drink, because you weren’t happy and I was the one person who was never, ever okay with that and I’m still working everyday to change it.


-bcg (i asked you, but you never asked me)

and i'm happy you're in my life again and i'm happy we have eachother again but you have to understand that sometimes we can't talk

not because i don't want to
i always want to talk with you

but sometimes peering into your life for too long reminds me that for a little while you didn't want me to be apart of it

"What is it?"
"Sorry, it's just I haven't heard your voice in three months. It's going to take me a second to get used to it."

The story of you and me is my favorite story to tell.

Next to my alarm clock, on my bedside table, I keep a note
It simply says:
"It was a dream. He's still gone."
And every morning when I wake up with a smile
And roll over to trace your lips good morning,
I see the note
I don't have to read it anymore
I know what it says
I memorized it like I memorized you
{bcg}

There are two reasons why I still talk to you: you are fun and you make me feel special. However, in the past month or so I’ve started feeling like you talk to me only when you’re bored. Like I’m the person who will always return a text and answer a call. I will always be here to entertain you. I am your person, but slowly you are losing your place as mine. I don’t feel welcome here anymore and I don’t think you really want me.
It’s not that I don’t love you or that I don’t want you, I have never wanted someone more. You are the only thing that has brought joy into my life in months.
But I no longer feel special when I talk to you and even though we’re having fun, I don’t feel good. I’ve been ignoring people who do make me feel special because I have fun with you. The person I talk to every night should want my company and make time for me. I don’t want to be your “sometimes” anymore.

And I’m not asking you to change and I don’t want you to. I fell in love with the man you are and I would never ask you to alter yourself for me. Which is why I’m simply saying goodbye.

We weren’t meant to be and that’s just the way it is. I don’t feel special when I talk to you. I feel small. I feel used. I don’t want to be wanted just when it’s convenient, I just want to be wanted.

-bcg (i’ve told you everything about myself, everything… except this)

I didn't cry today
I can't write it in a resume or post in a status or sing it in a song
But I didn't cry today so maybe that means I'll be okay
Maybe the unprompted tears or sudden screams are over
Maybe I'll never sit in the shower hyperventilating
Because I accidentally pictured his eyes
Again

When I hear his name
It’s like every one of those horrible moments all rolled into one
It’s like every time I pick up the phone to call him
And the universe waits till the third digit to remind me that he’s gone
Because that’s what he is: gone
But I can't forget the way he held my face
Or his laugh at three in the morning

I avoid sitting in certain rooms
Because when I walk by his spot
It's like it’s mocking me
"You're still here and he's not"

So I'll celebrate the first day without tears
I'll ignore people who may mention him
And when I walk into the dining room
I'll keep my eyes on the floor
So I'm not reminded that it's no longer his chair
And he’ll never be there
Again
{bcg}

pearls
powder
and lipstick with the perfect shade of pink

"It's important to look your best when you feel your worst," I recite as I get ready for another day without him.

skirt
scarf
and chanel number five

"Just for a minute," I whisper as I slip the ring on before heading out the door.

coffee
coat
and black pumps

"Goodbye, my love," I accidentally yell through the screen door.

terror
tears
and falling to the ground

“******,” I scream because I actually forgot he's gone

{bcg}

She used my name when she spoke to me. Like we would be in the middle of talking about the weather and she would deliberately finish a sentence about the impending rainstorm with my name and all of a sudden this innocent conversation reached a level of intimacy I had only experienced in bed with another person.
It was exhilarating, feeling your name in the mouth of someone like that.
With just the way she forms your name with her lips she could make you want to hold hands and waste away Friday nights in the most cliché romcom way. Every moment was full, every moment was exciting, and every ******* moment was completely and fatally exhausting.

-bcg (excerpt from the book I’ll never write)

I still miss you just as much
I just don't say it anymore.
Because when I do
The look on your face
That mixture of pity and uncomfortableness
Makes me want to *****.
And I can't throw up with an empty stomach
And heaving is just unladylike.

-bcg (i miss you)

I told you I'd never let you become my everything
But that's a stupid promise to make
Because I can't control the impact of something on me
When you left I couldn't force myself not to break
{bcg}

Somewhere, right at this moment, a man is walking into a coffee shop. He's looking at the board above the baristas head. He can't decide what type of tea to get. This is the hardest decision that he's going to have to make today.

Somewhere, right at this moment, a man is having trouble selecting his drink order, while you're doubled over on the floor with a bottle clutched to your chest and a handful of pills begging to be swallowed, choosing whether to live or die.

-bcg (perspective can be a ***** and a life saver)

I met him on a grassy hill
While I was walking alone
He was so gentle and sweet
And I fell in love with the way he looked at me

He's the rain pouring down
He's the songs we'd sing aloud
He's the poems we read
He's everything that goes through my head

A happiness that can't be described
A love that was reborn every night
We felt the time closing in
But that didn't stop us from fallin'

He's the rain pouring down
He's the songs we'd sing aloud
He's the poems we read
He's everything that goes through my head

Time ran out we knew it would
But I still cried where he stood
He looked down and breathed a sigh
And he walked away into the night

But he's still the rain pouring down
And he's still the songs we'd sing aloud
He'll always be the poems we read
He'll always be everything that goes through my head

Today I was in the middle of something when I had a fleeting thought of what it would me like if you were here. I immediately stopped what I was doing to let myself daydream of you. So rarely do I let my mind drift to this that I thought it would be a little reward for being so good and compartmentalizing so well.

So I thought of you. I thought of the joke you would make about my handwriting. I thought about where your hand would be on my thigh. I thought about the laugh lines around your eyes that would come out when you smiled at my smile. I thought about it all.

But while I wasn’t paying attention, my mind went out of control, and I was skimming through memories of you and me while simultaneously making up scenarios of everything that we could be. The room was spinning and I was barely breathing when suddenly everything went cold and hot at the same time and you were saying goodbye a thousand times. Over and over, each one hit, and I just had to sit back and let the waves of grief keep crashing over the same body that once was held in your arms when I couldn’t stop shaking that Wednesday night back in July.

It was like I was falling and flying all at once and it took three deep breaths to clear it all up.
I gathered myself and left the room because for some reason it was starting to smell of you.

**** this and **** goodbyes. I would die for just one more night.

-bcg (i forget about you long enough to forget why i needed to)