I don't wish at 11:11 anymore, he took that from me.

It would have been six months today, if you had stayed.

You're gone and no amount of music will bring you back to me.

You held on to me so tight that night. So why'd you let me go?

"What is it?"
"Sorry, it's just I haven't heard your voice in three months. It's going to take me a second to get used to it."

The stairs are stained with our favorite kiss.

-bcg (the things you can't clean up the next day)

pearls
powder
and lipstick with the perfect shade of pink

"It's important to look your best when you feel your worst," I recite as I get ready for another day without him.

skirt
scarf
and chanel number five

"Just for a minute," I whisper as I slip the ring on before heading out the door.

coffee
coat
and black pumps

"Goodbye, my love," I accidentally yell through the screen door.

terror
tears
and falling to the ground

“******,” I scream because I actually forgot he's gone

{bcg}

Don’t wish for love. Wish for happiness.
And never, ever confuse the two.

He likes reading Russian poetry and she likes listening to him whisper it through the phone.

She likes watching sitcoms, dramas, and really anything available on Netflix steaming and he likes teasing her about it on the way home.

They like to distract themselves and pretend everything's alright. They like to text and talk every week night.


They fit well, like out of a storybook page, or a rhyme in an old song that you would hear on your dad’s iPod on shuffle. Except there was one thing they overlooked all those nights talking about everything and nothing over and over till the sun would rise.

She never could watch the last episode of the shows she binged, but he always read the last page of the books he read. She was afraid of endings and goodbyes.

So when the clock struck twelve and it was time to go home, only one was doomed to a life of bathroom floors, empty stomachs, and dull, dead eyes.

-bcg (i was afraid of endings and when you asked me i told you i would be fine

I didn't cry today
I can't write it in a resume or post in a status or sing it in a song
But I didn't cry today so maybe that means I'll be okay
Maybe the unprompted tears or sudden screams are over
Maybe I'll never sit in the shower hyperventilating
Because I accidentally pictured his eyes
Again

When I hear his name
It’s like every one of those horrible moments all rolled into one
It’s like every time I pick up the phone to call him
And the universe waits till the third digit to remind me that he’s gone
Because that’s what he is: gone
But I can't forget the way he held my face
Or his laugh at three in the morning

I avoid sitting in certain rooms
Because when I walk by his spot
It's like it’s mocking me
"You're still here and he's not"

So I'll celebrate the first day without tears
I'll ignore people who may mention him
And when I walk into the dining room
I'll keep my eyes on the floor
So I'm not reminded that it's no longer his chair
And he’ll never be there
Again
{bcg}

You made the small things big
The little phrases and patterns we adopted as our own
You made them important, you made them feel like home
It was the way you said "I know"
Or the way I said "tell me something"
Those repeated moments grounded me
Those habitual words centered me
I never had a home until the moment I realized
You were never going to stop saying, "Hi"
{bcg}

Listening to a song when I close my eyes and my mind travels to another world
Where your hands are around my waste and we are moving with the music
My head is on your chest and you are whispering my name into my ear
Your hand is in mine like its supposed to be and I am hours like I'm supposed to be
But then I open my eyes, take a breath, and try to forget we were almost meant to be
{bcg}

I want you like I want one of my shows.

When we aren't together I don't want to think about you. I don't want to ponder you, analyze you, or worry about you. When you aren't here, I want nothing to do with you.

But when we are together I want to only be with you. I want to spend hours on you, obsessing over you, binging on you. I want every waking moment to be spent watching you and discovering you and every sleeping moment to be spent dreaming about you.

I want you, but only like one of my shows.

-bcg (binge watching Netflix isn't healthy, but neither are you)

She wishes for simplicity
She wishes for an out
She wishes and she cries
But you'll never ever hear her shout

Cause she loves the way you hold her
So close and so dear
She pulls you in closer, it's just for your ears to hear

She says
"I'm falling quick and I'm falling fast
So don't ever try to pull me back
Let me go
Let me be
Cause I'm an anchor
And I'm falling into the sea"

“What I like most about relationships is hope. Hope for tomorrow. Hope for the future. Looking forward to every single day, looking forward to waking up and talking or falling asleep and dreaming of them.
Relationships are not just about living in the moment. They are not about looking into each others eyes and seeing love, but looking toward a future and seeing love. And it’s not that I don’t want a future with you, it’s that I can’t even see it.
When I close my eyes I imagine being with you, but only from our past. I want to see us in the future. I want to see us lying in bed next to eachother and laughing at the coffee with spilled on the new sheets. I want to see us making meals together and walking the dogs at twilight.
But all I can see, all I can think about, is every moment I’ve spent with you. Every moment I’ve been with you. Every glance, every smile, every touch, every kiss, every time you whispered my name as I pulled you closer.
My mind never drifts to tomorrow- like it should- it drifts to the past. And the worst part is I can’t tell you. If I ever told you about my inability to see a future I know what you would think. You would think that means I want to say goodbye. You’ll think that means I don’t want you to keep calling and your name to keep showing up on my screen.
I want you to give me a future. Give me a tomorrow. It doesn’t have to be much, just one little thing I can hold on to; that can poke a hole in the darkness in front of me. I look at you and part of me wants to cry because I can only see the past. I can only see the memories. I can’t see tomorrow. So just give me a few words so that I can be a little less sad and I can see a little more future.”

-bcg (an excerpt from the book I’ll never write)

our story needed to be shared
it was epic
with moments of divine beautiful happiness
and moments of raw animalistic pain
so i attempted to write it down

it took me years of reliving every detail
writing on napkins in coffee shops
and receipts in grocery stores

it took me years of memories
three suicide attempts
and two men i never really loved

i finished last night
i finished our story
------------------------------------
and then my screen lit up
and then the walls came down
and then i realized our story hasn't ended
all we've been through is the prologue

I put on another dress
I apply another coat of blush
I curl my hair perfectly
     I look like a dream

I take another pill
I pour another glass
I pull out a razor
     I hurt like a nightmare

I tell another joke
I give another kiss
I smile till I forget
     I fake like an actor

You know how when you lose someone you avoid things that remind you of them
Like that coat you wore when you first held hands
Or the song that was playing in that one car ride with them
Or the food you ate the last time you were together

Well it's like anything and everything is one of those things for me
So I'm going through life trying to avoid life
Just because it reminds me of losing you
Sure, my heart's already broken, but it still keeps breaking everyday

But the worst part is not the tears or stomach pains that come from these things
It's that if I met you tomorrow and I knew all the hurt you would cause me
I would still love you while I had you
{bcg}

laying on the floor i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the desperation
a song to understand the hurt
a song to to understand that sometimes it won't get better

walking through the streets i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the mask
a song to understand the covering up
a song to understand that sometimes faking it won't get rid of the hurt

standing in the middle of the floor i searched for a song
one to match the pain the sorrow the fear i was facing
a song to understand the confusion
a song to understand the guilt
a song to understand that sometimes I can't take another step

but there is no song
there are no lyrics
there is no instrument
it's silence without you

Some day we'll see each other again and we'll dance and sing
and at last everything will be as it was supposed to be


-bcg// someday you and i will be again (its okay, i can wait)

you always could
     make my lips hungry
     and my fingers loving

and now the mere thought of seeing you
     makes my hands shake
     and my bones ache

i don't think this is a good idea
i don't think this is a good idea
                              -(seeing him in ten days)

I didn't have a real close friend growing up
I didn't have a confidant, a bestie, a trusty pal
I hid my secrets with men whose years were so far away from mine that they couldn't hear my cries for help

That changed last night at 2:13am
Because it wasn't until we were lying on the floor in the kitchen
Discussing our fears and our doubts
Eating ham and cheese croissants
Gazing up at the plaster ceiling as if it was the night sky
That I realized

You are my best friend

"I never wanted to be happy. I just wanted you."

The only thing that hurt more than losing you was


                                                losing


        me


                                     too.

"What you don't understand is that I could spend the rest of my life, listening to you tell me about your day."
-bcg (just one more thing to add to the list of why you should have chosen me)

The conversation is constant with you we don't say hi or hello anymore we just continue to discuss matters important to us//like your favorite dessert your mother makes and how I hate the word why and everything that has ever or could ever make us cry//we don't need to greet eachother or acknowledge who or what "us" is we just need to continue calling until one day we don't have to call because somehow, slowly, without either of us noticing, I'm in your arms and your heart//forever

Some days I can't stop thinking about you and some days I wonder why I start.
{bcg}

Somewhere, right at this moment, a man is walking into a coffee shop. He's looking at the board above the baristas head. He can't decide what type of tea to get. This is the hardest decision that he's going to have to make today.

Somewhere, right at this moment, a man is having trouble selecting his drink order, while you're doubled over on the floor with a bottle clutched to your chest and a handful of pills begging to be swallowed, choosing whether to live or die.

-bcg (perspective can be a ***** and a life saver)

"I just realized everything I've ever written has been a love letter to you."

-bcg (a letter i'll never send and you'll never see)

Today I was in the middle of something when I had a fleeting thought of what it would me like if you were here. I immediately stopped what I was doing to let myself daydream of you. So rarely do I let my mind drift to this that I thought it would be a little reward for being so good and compartmentalizing so well.

So I thought of you. I thought of the joke you would make about my handwriting. I thought about where your hand would be on my thigh. I thought about the laugh lines around your eyes that would come out when you smiled at my smile. I thought about it all.

But while I wasn’t paying attention, my mind went out of control, and I was skimming through memories of you and me while simultaneously making up scenarios of everything that we could be. The room was spinning and I was barely breathing when suddenly everything went cold and hot at the same time and you were saying goodbye a thousand times. Over and over, each one hit, and I just had to sit back and let the waves of grief keep crashing over the same body that once was held in your arms when I couldn’t stop shaking that Wednesday night back in July.

It was like I was falling and flying all at once and it took three deep breaths to clear it all up.
I gathered myself and left the room because for some reason it was starting to smell of you.

**** this and **** goodbyes. I would die for just one more night.

-bcg (i forget about you long enough to forget why i needed to)

and now she's not sleeping because the threat of nightmares is always there. It used to be that after a day of distress and pain and cruelty she could look forward to dreamland where she could sleep easy. But you took that from her every time you visit her mind as she lays her head on the pillow just trying to unwind. So she pulls herself out of bed and downstairs to put another *** of coffee on and prays to God that tomorrow will be the last dawn she sees because she's ready for eternity. After everything she's seen in dreams and reality, you've pushed her to look forward to the eternal long sleep.

I missed you this holiday
I just wanted to tell you it was so rough
Time heals all wounds they say
But time ain't coming soon enough

He places his hand on the small of my back and we walk down the street like everything that was meant to be, was being,
and we were at the center of it all.


-bcg (what a good sunday really looks like)

"How are you?"
"I'm fine."

"How are you?"
"I feel sick, sick like I'm dying. Dying from all of the things that used to make me happy. Your pictures on my computer are killing me. Your old letters are killing me. Every memory of me and you and everything we used to be, is killing me. But the thing that gets to me the most, the one thing that tops all other reason for tears: The fact that I can't talk to you about it. I can't tell you about how much I miss you or how much  I loved you or about all of the hard times. I can't ask you if you feel the same. I can't ask you if you want to try again. That's killing me, not having my best friend."

Empty to the brim
I couldn't look at him
The last the last the last time
He raised his head and breathed a sigh
And he walked away into the night

Yelling screaming into the crowd
Searching searching for a face
But he was gone into the dark's embrace

But it was a dream a dream of romance a dream of bliss
A dream just a dream explains that kiss
Cause the only way I can stop myself from going after him
It was a dream a dream of sin

The day I met him I fainted. I can't say it was his fault as it was hours before we saw each other, but I think it was the universes way of foreshadowing the wave that was about to break over me. We rarely notice the universe's foreshadowing, but if we did we would save ourselves from so much trouble. If only you had noticed the way his hands shake like your fathers did after he came home from the bar. If only you had paid attention to her inability to ever answer the simple question of, "how are you.”

“I know you care, but what you don’t understand is that it would be easier for both of us if I said goodbye now. I know I’m not the girl you end up with. If we let this go soon I might be able to get over you in this lifetime.

Because one day I’m going to put my music on shuffle and for some reason a Christmas song will start playing. And for some reason it will remind me of your love of Christmas lights and how I used to tease you about how tacky it was to keep them up after New Years and you would pretend to be offended and I would pretend to apologize and everything was just so beautiful. And for some reason that memory will send me over the edge and I will be lying in bed or sitting at work or at dinner with friends and suddenly, suddenly I can’t breath and I realize there will never be a time where our memories don’t haunt me.

And so we have to say goodbye soon because I know you won’t stay forever and the farther I fall for you the harder it will hurt when I finally hit the ground. You’ll be fine. You’ll get over me quickly, I’ve already seen you do it once. Just let me go easy this time. Please, please if you ever loved me, let me go quickly because the pain will already be enough to last a lifetime.”

-bcg (it’ll be easier this way, i promise)

It was a day like any other
I made coffee, you read the paper
We walked the dogs
And took a nap together

But it isn't the day itself I keep going over in my mind
It's that kiss, that very last kiss

It wasn't special
Nothing unique
Just a kiss

Like we would be doing it for the rest of our lives

And then you left.

Your chair by the window is empty. It mocks me as I walk by.

"I know you love him, but he's broken you so many times. I don't know if you'll always be able to put yourself back together."

-bcg (the lesson we never quite learn)

I met him on a grassy hill
While I was walking alone
He was so gentle and sweet
And I fell in love with the way he looked at me

He's the rain pouring down
He's the songs we'd sing aloud
He's the poems we read
He's everything that goes through my head

A happiness that can't be described
A love that was reborn every night
We felt the time closing in
But that didn't stop us from fallin'

He's the rain pouring down
He's the songs we'd sing aloud
He's the poems we read
He's everything that goes through my head

Time ran out we knew it would
But I still cried where he stood
He looked down and breathed a sigh
And he walked away into the night

But he's still the rain pouring down
And he's still the songs we'd sing aloud
He'll always be the poems we read
He'll always be everything that goes through my head

"Hi. I uh was scrolling through the note section of my phone, looking for a song I had written awhile back, and I saw all of the notes I had written while we were together.
Some of them were funny things you said that I wanted to remember. Some of them were sweet things you said that I wanted to remember.
And yeah it was kinda hard seeing those, but I was fine you know? I got through that fine. But then I started seeing the stories I had written down. Stories of things I had done or seen. But I hadn't written them down for me.
They were stories to tell you later.
But this time I read through them and I, you know, chuckled and stuff at the different encounters with strangers or odd family members.
And there was just something really poetic about enjoying these stories myself. Stories that I had compiled for you.
And I just wanted to say that I think today was maybe the first big step in the long journey of getting over you. "

i saw a movie last night that reminded me of us
strangers to lovers to friends
miles between each other
and a long beautiful goodbye

but then the movie ended
the credits rolled
and i stared at the black screen for a long time
because i was waiting for the explanation

i don't know what's next
i don't know how to pick up the pieces
i don't know how to not have your shoulder to lean on
i don't know how to exist to you only in a little screen and speaker
i don't know how to do this

but the movie ended and it was time to go home
so i’m left in a sea of “i don’t knows”